Never Too Late

Week 14 of Trusts and Estates class, and I just learned what deferred marital property is. Right now I'm staring down the impending exam like Joe in Family Guy after the apocalypse, with my lower half buried under the driveway, staring down the Mega Rat screaming "Bring it onnnnn!"

Convenience

Speed dial is pretty much awesome. I've got about 60 different people I can call at any given moment just by hitting a number and the pound key. You meet a person once, store their number, and never have to worry about the digits again. Back in the days before I had a cell phone (and in the days when I had a terribly cheap cell phone) I didn't have that feature, so I knew the phone numbers of anyone I wanted to call. Of course, at that time everyone I would call lived in my area code, and most everyone had the same first three digits, so I only really had to remember about 4 digits per person. Now everyone comes from all over the place, which means ten digits a piece. I don't want to waste a significant portion of my brain remembering everyone's exact phone numbers, so speed dial is ridiculously convenient.

Unless I get put in jail, as I've learned today.

I'd always wondered what would happen if I lost my phone, because I don't actually know anyone's phone numbers any more. The thought progression would be something like "Yeah, that would suck balls." And then I'd laugh and completely forget how screwed I'd be if it happened for real.

So today I was doing intake at the jail and met this guy who had been put in detox and was now sobering up. He wanted to call his parents to come bail him out. He wanted to call his sister to bail him out. He wanted to call his girlfriend so she knew where he was. And he wanted to call his work so they knew where he was, and so that he wouldn't lose his job. This would all have been well and good once he got a phone call, because he could call one person and have them make the other calls.

Except they took his cell phone away, and he didn't know any of these numbers.

So here the guy is, rotting in a jail cell, and no one has a clue where he is. And he can't contact them until he fills out a request form to get his phone back, because every bit of helpful information he could want is in that phone right now.

Moral of the story: Don't get thrown in jail. I'm not too worried myself, of course, because a) I'm generally a law-abiding person, and b) when I fail to abide by the law, I don't leave witnesses or survivors. Still, there are dangers. For future reference, if you're ever trying to contact me and it seems like I have vanished from the face of the earth, it's safe to assume I have surrounded by a bunch of tall people who took my phone and decided to play keep away.

Tribute to Villainy

As I've said many times before, I love an epic story of good and evil. Central to any great good and evil story is a good villain; since the villain's evil scheme generally drives the story, the better the villain/scheme, the better the story. I've commented on my love of good villains here, but today I want to go beyond that and pay tribute to some of my favorite villains.

Now, I'm not saying this list constitutes the greatest villains of all time - far from it. If that's what you want, check out AFI's top 100 heroes and villains list. This isn't even a comprehensive list of my favorites, since I'm sure I've forgotten some. But as far as I'm concerned, these baddies made for good story, and deserve the recognition.

So, in no particular order, I present my Tribute to Villainy:

1. Darth Vader

Anyone looking for the epitome of a villain need look no further than Vader. 1/2 man, 1/2 machine, all badass. Ruthless, menacing, calculating, the Fightin' Vader simply oozed darkness and destruction every time he was on screen. Come on, the guy managed to make audible wheezing frightening. Plus, James Earl lent his formidable voice talents. Classic.

2. Hans Gruber

Alan Rickman's Gruber, the brilliant sleazebag Eurotrash terrorist, providing the perfect counterpart to Bruce Willis' badass American cowboy cop in "Die Hard." Ultimately, he took an unfortunate fall from a bazillion story window, but for a brief shining moment, Hans had shit on lockdown.

3. Dr. Evil

Think about it, the guy's got "evil" in his name. What more proof do you need? Evil laugh? Check. Evil underground hideout? Check. Evil kitty? Check. Evil air quotation marks on needlessly quoted words? Check. Sure, he wanted to take over the world, but really, all he wanted was some frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads. Is that so much to ask?

4. Keyser Soze

Though we never really see the infamous Keyser on screen in "The Usual Suspects," his influence pervades and drives the movie. His name inspires terror in the criminal underworld and law enforcement alike. And his brilliance only becomes clear at the end of the movie. He leaves you with the classic line: "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was making convincing the world that he didn't exist."

5. Jaws

Da-duh. Da-duh. Da-duh. CHOMP! Jaws made swimming in the ocean and getting mauled by a shark cool again. Also, little known fact, Jaws was the first choice to host the talk show later hosted by Rosie O'Donnell. Each interview would have ended in Jaws baring his monstrous teeth and eating the guest. In a way, not that much different, I suppose. Still, badass, for a fish.

6. Voldemort

I've already given mad props to Lord Voldemort here. When you've got a whole society of people afraid to speak your name, that's villainy on a whole different level. "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" ought to be a hell of a conclusion to the series, and Voldy should be front and center.

7. (Agent) Smith

When computer programs go bad, they go really, really bad. Not content to rot in humanity's prison or to face deletion, Smith went apeshit rogue in the sequels and pretty much took over absolutely everything. Unflappable, unstoppable, and pretty much unfuckwithable. Hugo Weaving pretty much chewed the scenery like a mofo as Smith got megalomaniacal, and it was awesome.

8. Catwoman

Let's forget, for the moment, Halle Berry's "Catwoman" from 2004, which was one of the worst movies ever made. No no, give me Michelle Pfeiffer, a skin-tight black leather cat suit, and a whip. Me-fucking-ow! Certainly not among the ranks of supervillain, but definitely a serious baddie. Not only did she whip the Dark Knight's ass on a regular basis, she also had his alter-ego by the short hairs. Talk about cracking the whip!

9. Heffalump

If ever a more ferocious beast graced stage, screen or page, let it speak now or shut its face. You like honey? So does the Heffalump, and it will not think twice about stealing your honey pot, spitting on your face, and humping your sister, Heffalump-style. And she better hope he's not accompanied by a Woozle...

10. The Ring/Sauron

Okay, so the Dark Lord was pretty much reduced to a flaming dismembered eyeball by the time the War of the Ring began, but he pulled some serious weight in Middle Earth for awhile. And how about the One Ring itself? Able to drive people power-crazy just by looking upon it? The Ring's got serious evil game, let's not kid ourselves.


Anyone I've left off?

So Wrong, and Yet...

Check out Supersoaker's latest invention: The Oozinator!

The link takes you to a You Tube video, which is the actual commercial used, plus a remix to the tune of Lil Jon's "Get Low," appropriately enough. This is not a joke - this is a real product they have been marketing.

Now, I don't know why Supersoaker decided to make a gun that squirts ooze, or why they decided the ooze should be white, or why they made the tag line "Major pumping required." But it's so wrong, no matter how you look at it.

And on the Hasboro website, where you can purchase the Oozinator for a mere $24.99, they advise: "With the OOZINATOR blaster you don’t just get soaked, you get drenched!"

Aw skeet skeet!

No Buts, Meow -- It's the Law

Forgive me, perhaps I'm feeling a little bit drunk with power right now, but goddamn! I love the law sometimes. I mean, authority figures have always ingrained this "It's the Law" mentality into our heads. First, growing up, our parents told us we couldn't do something. We ask why; their response? "Those are the rules." Occasionally we'd get something nearer the truth: "Because." Because? Because why? "Because I said so!" That's not an answer, we thought vainly to ourselves, as there was nothing we could do about it.

Same with teachers. Why can't I walk around the hallway without a hall pass? "That's the rule." Then, as we get older, the major authority -- police officers. "Why can't I drive 35 mph through here when its four lanes and there are no houses or pedestrians?" "That's the law." And now (for some of us), the ultimate authority - courts. Why is segregation permissible? "We uphold the rule of stare decisis. This is the law as it stands, and we affirm that law."

The law my ass. The older we get, the wiser we get, the more we realize - "Because I said so" is actually the truth behind the matter, in pretty much every occasion. Someone decided this is the rule. Whether there is good reason for the rule or not, virtually every decision, whether rule, law, or nonbinding resolution, is pretty much just "Because I said so."

That's the great thing about finally being the authority figure. Or at least in a position to fuck with authority figures -- i.e., a lawyer.

Here I am at work, drafting this brief charging a statute as unconstitutional again. I just printed off a rough draft, read through it, and realized -- this is absolute hogwash. I mean, no court on earth should look at this and think, "Yeah, that's an accurate statement of the law." Don't get me wrong, its well-written and relatively persuasive. I present an argument that, if you completely lose sight of the statute and its purpose, you might actually buy, if only for a moment. It's a fairly complex issue, and the brief basically follows a logical progression along the lines of "This is a well-established policy. This is an important fact. Because of the presence of this important fact, this policy should be applied to this completely unrelated statute under these circumstances, and achieve this result." Now, the policy is correct, and the facts are correct, so it's not like I'm just making shit up. But at some point, the logic train pretty much goes straight the fuck off the rails. In other words, what I'm suggesting is a pretty absurd result.

But my god, if a judge were to read this and buy my argument? Stranger things have happened. And if that happened, heaven forbid, this would be the new state of the law.

Because I said so.

How cool is that?

What is Your Position?

Good question. I'm sitting in T&E right now. No, seriously. I'm at the class.

You want proof? Um...we're talking about elephant tusks right now, if that helps. I don't know why. He's asking us the value of elephant tusks, and something to do with probate. Would I want to probate my elephant tusks? Maybe, I don't know. I've never probated an elephant tusk before, I don't know if it's worth it. Could be.

High basis. Maybe we want a high basis. Unless we've got a different client, then our interests will conflict. What? But I like high basis. If I can sell the tusk, the capital gains tax is lower than the estate tax, so I'd rather have a low basis. Or something.

And, the future tax is less onerous than the present tax. John is not picking a basis. When you do that, you are also setting the basis. It is very important to keep those two things separate.

T&E is hard, apparently.

UPDATE: Still in T&E. Some guy just sneezed the loudest sneeze in history. People are laughing. It's awesome.

UPDATE: Holy shit, I actually got called on. The one day I go. Actually, I was going to leave halfway through, when I still hadn't been called on, and only one problem remained for my section. I stayed on the off chance I'd get called on (and laziness, not wanting to move my stuff) and there it happened. Sometimes, life just works as it should.

3Lism

Number of pages assigned for reading in Sentencing this week: 280

Number of pages I read for Sentencing this week: 0

Knowing that it won't make any difference whatsoever: Priceless


For most law students, there is diligence and effort;
for 3Ls, there is coasting.

Unmitigated Crap: The Musical

Every once in awhile a particular singer or band will come along and create a song that leaves me thinking "Man, that is the worst song ever made. Ever." For awhile, I thought it was Sean Paul, whose pathetically simplistic beats and incoherent babbling flooded the airwaves with craptastic song after song. However, Mr. Paul has since been upstaged (downstaged?). Now, don't get me wrong, Sean Paul still makes terrible music. But apparently he doesn't have the chops to compete for Worst Artist in the History of the Fucking World anymore.

No, that title came down to a dogfight between Gwen Stefani and Sarah "Fergie" Ferguson. While Gwen Stefani may have been respectable back in her No Doubt days, she has since blossomed into one of pop music's premier writers of atrocious music. Who can forget "Hollaback Girl" and its rousing chorus of "This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" That song alone should have earned her a banishment from, well, life.

Then Fergie came along. There's been some real shit on the airwaves the past few years, most of it really bad R&B/pop, but Fergie really takes the cake, then shoves it down her hideous throat and recycles it into the next worst song you've ever heard. Remember the Black Eyed Peas? Remember how they used to be kinda fun and new, with songs like "Let's Get it Started"? Well, then "My Humps" happened, destroying every bit of credibility they ever had. Riding the wave of this smashing success, what's a girl to do, besides piss her pants on stage?

Put out a solo album, of course. Got to hand it to her, she went all out in the effort to ruin popular music as we know it. First there was "London Bridge," one of the most asinine pieces of audio defecation ever made. Then there was "Fergalicious." Now, not only was it horrible, it was also unoriginal. Not that Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious" was some musical masterpiece, but it didn't deserve this. "Fergalicious" pretty much sums up Fergie's approach to music: it's just like bad pop music, only infinitely more wretched.

But then, what is this? Has Fergie been unseated? This song I'm hearing on the radio lately - some raspy-voiced woman spelling out the word "Glamorous" to the tune of some simplistic-poppy-horseshit beat may just edge out anything else on the air right now! For a moment, I was really impressed that someone could just come and bitchslap the Duchess of Crap like that and take her crown.

Then I found out that, in fact, "Glamorous" WAS performed by Fergie.

Ah yes, I should never have doubted her, or her unparalleled ability to churn out the most offensively bad 'music' in the history of space and time. Thank you, Ms. Ferguson. Now shut the fuck up already.

For Realz

That Guy on State Street: "Hey, do you have a minute to help fight global warming?"

My response: "Not really."

What I wanted to say: "Hellz yeah! Let's make this a real fight though, know what I'm saying? I'm talking sabotage, espionage, maybe a little genocide-age. You show me your arsenal, I'll show you mine. It's past time we break a foot off in global warming's ass! You say the word, and its on! Shit's about to get real for realz, homey. I'ma cop me a rocket launcher, climb up a tree, and bust a cap in the sun's greenhouse gas-spewing grill, muthafucka!"

Sad thing is, I used to be That Guy, for one week in June, 2005. For the money, not the cause. So when I held my tongue today, it was because of whatever enemies might be lurking, not because I relate. Fuck That Guy.

Snark

Quote from a rather rotund girl at LDP: "Every once in awhile I'm on top of things."

My thought: "Apparently not your boyfriend, otherwise he would have been crushed to death by now."

Some People Are Just Too Incompetent to Drink Coffee

I'm not a coffee drinker. I tried it when I was younger, and the taste put me off of it, much like beer. So I never got hooked on caffeine, and I pretty much avoided coffee. Then once I got handed a free sample of a Starbucks Mocha Frappucino, and it was damn tasty. So from then on, whenever I found myself having to be at a coffee shop, at least I had something I could order. I still never got coffee from gas stations or at restaurants, because I liked soda better. Then I started getting the Starbucks frappucino bottles every once in awhile when I wanted something different, and they were okay. Since then, I've had a cup of coffee on occasion, and I find that its not that bad. An acquired taste, much like beer. Still, not my drink of choice.

But today, for some reason, I felt like coffee, and decided to get it from a gas station. I've never gotten coffee from a gas station before; I've had it when other people brew it, or in a coffee shop, or in a restaurant, but never somewhere where I had to choose what I wanted, pour it myself, and mix it myself.

Not a big deal, right? It pretty much consists of pouring coffee into the cup. Simplest thing in the world. And who am I? I'm 24 years old. I'm a law student, about to graduate, about to become a professional. Beyond that, I'm a ninja. Stealthy, coordinated, and graceful. I can kill an antelope from 300 yards away with little more than my piercing gaze. Sure as hell I can pour myself a cup of coffee. Well, I'd just never done it, so it was new to me.

So I did it. I chose french vanilla. I poured the coffee, added the cream, and grabbed a lid, and proceeded to put the lid on.

And dumped it all over the counter, on the floor, and on myself.

Life can be humbling sometimes.

Mitigated and Unmitigated Crap: Double Feature

Is there any such thing as mitigated crap? This discussion came up over spring break; all philosophical implications aside, my answer is yes. My latest cinematic review should demonstrate the difference, employing the same double feature tactic of the movie that inspired this review. Ladies and gents, may I present cinematic review the eighth:

Grindhouse

and

2001: A Space Odyssey

An odd pair, no? After all, Kubrick's 2001 is often cited by critics as one of the best motion pictures ever made; Rober Ebert places it at #2 on his all time list. Possibly the most influential sci-fi movie ever, groundbreaking for its use of realism in space, showing everything happening in real time, moment by moment. By contrast, Grindhouse is an homage to 70's b movies, a compilation of feature flicks by Tarantino and Rodriguez, two directors known for sensationalist depictions of violence and depravity, and fake movie trailers which are equally over the top. 2001 is an epic tale of exploration and discovery, of the dangers of technology, and of mind-bending questions that have left viewers scratching their heads for decades. Grindhouse has alien zombies, Nazi werewolves, Mexican assassins, car chases, and oh yeah - a girl with a gun leg.

So what we've got is one classic movie and one terrible movie, right?

Exactly. Just not in the way you'd think.

Grindhouse is certainly a crappy movie. Intentionally crappy, that is. The ideas are terrible, really. I'm talking absolute schlock. But the directors know this; in fact, that is the point. Entertainment is the bottom line here, and these directors know how to entertain. Take an idea beyond any hope of plausibility and just have fun with it. There's a sense of energy that pulses throughout the movies and trailers that draws you in, tells you to leave your inhibitions at the door, and just enjoy yourself. This, of course, leads to some terribly exciting moments, absolutely hilarious movements, and simply awful moments. Many people would be turned off by this, and rightly so -- it's not everyone's cup of tea. Not all of it was mine, either. But the spirit behind the movie was incredible, and it really was exactly what it said - an experience.

The best part of the show, for me, was Machete, the first movie parody featuring a bad-ass Mexican assassin who kills a whole lot of people with a machete. Cheech Marin made a guest appearance as a shotgun-toting priest, which was hilarious. And possibly the best tag line ever made: "They just fucked with the wrong Mexican." And the runner up: "If you hire Machete to kill the bad guy, you'd better make sure the bad guy isn't you." Best of all, this is apparently getting made into a real movie, direct to dvd. Hot damn.

Then Planet Terror, Robert Rodriguez's feature contribution. Overall, this was very strong. My main problem with it was that the dialogue in the first half hour was surprisingly weak. From what I remember, the entire theater was silent for those 30 minutes. Of course, that was just the setup for the craziness that was about to unfold, but still - rather than silly and foreboding, it was just kinda awkward. However, once the zombies began appearing and the plot threads started coming together, it got awesome in hurry. I won't give away too many details -- spoilers aren't a major concern for this movie because even if you know what happens, you have to see it to believe it. The gun leg certainly doesn't disappoint, though you will have to wait until the climax to see it, and from that point on - sheer awesomeness. (Suspended disbelief is a must, of course) The latter 2/3 of this movie are a combination of balls-out action and silly comedy, marked by a ridiculously hilarious moment when a particularly important scene got cut out, and suddenly shit gets crazy. And oh yeah, Fergie gets killed, horribly.

Then more fake previews. Of this bunch, Thanksgiving is probably the best, an 80's slasher that pushes every convention of the genre to its ridiculous extreme. Don't was pretty funny as well, lampooning the ominous voiceover for scary movies, though the joke got old pretty fast. I was really disappointed by the Werewolf Women of the S.S. trailer; from the premise, I figured this would be the craziest of the bunch, but it just didn't have many laughs. The only exception is an appearance from Nicholas Cage, which may have been the funniest moment of the entire double feature. Good to see his career is heading back up after Ghostrider.

Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof closed out the show. He brought his patented technique of excessive banter between the characters, all of which seems entirely extraneous, but actually provides an illuminating look into the psyche of each character. For instance, in Death Proof, we are presented with two extended scenes of dialogue - one with the first group of girls, one with the second. The first group reveals themselves to be insipid and kinda skanky; the second group appear to have much more strength of character. This dichotomy becomes important when Kurt Russell's character makes attempts to kill each group with varying success, and helps explain why the second group is ultimately able to expose him as merely a twisted coward, rather than this death proof badass he thought himself to be. Ultimately I thought this was a pretty good show. Not on par with Pulp Fiction or the Kill Bill series, but certainly entertaining.

My grade: Machete - A
Planet Terror - B+
Werewolf Women - C-
Don't - B-
Thanksgiving - A-
Death Proof - B

Recommendation: Not for the faint of heart, but those who just want to be entertained, this craptastic extravaganza is right up your alley.

2001 provides our example of unmitigated crap. Talk about a movie that takes itself seriously. I'll admit, there are some pretty cool ideas here, such as the "technology can turn on us" idea reused in countless stories since this was released. I really wanted to like the movie; I wanted to care. I wanted to appreciate it for its message, its aesthetics, its intelligence. Instead, I ended up hating it for its unfailing pretentiousness.

The first 25 minutes gave us monkeys; lots and lots of monkeys. The monkeys learned things, over time, including how to use tools (such as animal bones to bash in each others' skulls). That's all well and good, but I don't care. There's a reason we don't make movies about neanderthals and cromagnons - they were fucking stupid. And god-awful boring. It's the same reason we don't make movies about how we evolved from single celled organisms - it was BORING AS SHIT. I'm sure Kubrick was making a statement about how discovery is a constant, and how it is the same now for us as it was in millenia past. That's the deal with the Monolith that appears here, then later on a planet, then in the guy's room at the end. But for the life of me, I just don't care.

Then the space station. This section was at least watchable, and had some semblance of a point. The noteworthy thing here is how Kubrick didn't cut to the exciting or important moments -- he filmed every single excruciating second of what happens in space. Now, there's something worthwhile about that in itself, and if he were making a documentary about space exploration, I could forgive it. But this is a fictional story; it was based on Arthur C. Clarke's short story of the same name. None of that is necessary to tell the story. None of that belongs in this movie. Yet many critics still say this was groundbreaking. Of course it was - no one ever did it before. You know why? It was BORING AS SHIT. Are we sensing a running theme here?

After the space station, we take a trip through the Jupiter Infinity Wormhole of Inexplicable Crap. I dare you not to fall asleep during this sequence. This was comparable to sitting down and watching the colorful patterns that play on Windows Media Player during the songs; a lot of color and wonder, but no meaning whatsoever. If you manage to stay awake (or wake up) in time for the ending, you're treated to a few shots of the surviving astronaut from the space station arriving in some room, seeing himself older, eating at a table, then seeing himself older, dying in bed. And the monolith reappears in front of him. Again, discovery, exploration, blah blah holy shit my eyes are bleeding blah blah. Then, finally, a giant baby floating in space, staring at the earth. Then its all over.

Aint that a kick in the scrote.

My score: C-
Recommendation: Maybe you can get more out of it than I did, or maybe you should spare yourself the pain.

Thoughts From Florida

So, things have been hella awesome here in Floridizzle. I won't recap everything - Ismael's already on it. I will just note a few things:

- Today I burned my scalp so badly that the skin on my forehead seems to have liquified a bit. When I press on it, the skin squishes like tar. It's not the best feeling.

- Coolio will never die. "Fantastic Voyage" is an amazing song. Screw you, haters.

- Mr. Utah did not have a spider enter his ear canal and lay eggs last night, contrary to popular belief. That was an unsubstantiated rumor that started with an actual game of telephone that went horribly, horribly awesome. Not to say that it won't happen, but it hasn't happened yet.

Vice, signing off.