Friday, August 31, 2007

Business As Usual

Suddenly I've got a bunch of new clients, as well as the potential for clients that would actually be paying me directly. Now I've got to think about the whole business aspect of things, like fee retainers, malpractice insurance, letterhead.....

Anyone want to go into business with me? First step is to start a company. I'm thinking something along the lines of "Chuck Norris Law Offices," or "Justice, Ltd."

Holy Cliched Claptrap, Batman!

Do not, do not, do NOT let anyone force you into watching High School Musical. I watched it last night with KH and little sister, and going in I kind of wanted to see it. I remember enjoying TV shows and movies about high school, and even now I can enjoy them, to an extent. And I can appreciate a good musical. So I thought that based on this show's popularity, it must be something witty and fresh and insightful.

Um, no.

It's from the Disney Channel. I did not know that beforehand. I also didn't realize how patently stupid it could be. I mean, I'll take this with a grain of salt -- it's aimed at people probably 10 years younger than me. But 10 years ago, I would still have found this insulting to my intelligence. Sure, high schools have cliques, and stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. But I've never seen such a ridiculously stereotyped view of high school. Ever.

Basically this story is about a bunch of one-dimensional characters desperate to prevent other characters from becoming two-dimensional. There's a whole theme of being who you are, but the portrayal is unrealistic to the point of laughable. Every character is assigned one trait. At more than one point in the show, the male lead actually laments, "I don't want to just be basketball guy." Seriously. In other shows, you get stereotypical labels, and the defining characteristics that go along with that label. Not here. All you get is what you do. Jocks play sports. Grunge kids dress like grunge kids. Smart kids participate in science competitions. And that about covers it.

So when basketball guy and science girl decide they want to try singing, the whole school flips out. Other people start to develop a second character trait. Random Jock also likes to bake. Grunge Kid #1 plays the viola. Fat chick likes hip hop dancing. Oooh...but that's all they do. It's like the writers thought they needed to boil this concept down to the most simple terms possible for their target audience to understand. Did kids get a whole lot stupider in the past decade or so? Judging by the rampant popularity of this movie (and its sequel), I'd have to say yes.

I'd love to sit and pick out the individual points I thought were really maddening, but I'd be here all day. I've already wasted too much time on this post. I really intended just to make it three lines long, but I felt it needed context. Anyway, don't watch the movie.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Once Again It's On

I applied to you once before. It was a position that I was more qualified for than any I've applied for. I was told the interview process would be simple, that anyone who's not a total idiot makes it past the first screening interview. I went to the screening interview, and it was probably the best interview I've ever had. Then I got a letter saying you were sorry, that I would not be getting another interview. Huh.

That was a pretty strong kick in the nuts, considering I know some of the people you've hired in the past, and, while there are some notably badass exceptions, more than a few are completely incompetent. I never found out for sure why I didn't get another interview; I was too bitter to call and find out.

Now you've begun accepting applications again. Best believe you can expect to see me. For real, this time.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Three Down


This just in - Attorney General Alberto "I Have No Respect For the Constitution" Gonzales has just resigned, adding to the list of key players in the Bush regime who have resigned this year, which includes former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, and former Puppetmaster General Karl Rove. Let's look back at the highlights of Gonzales's tenure as chief prosecutor for the United States:

a. Warrantless wiretapping and eavesdropping = okay.

b. Lying to the House and Senate Judiciary Committees = okay.

c. Civil rights for detainees of Guantanamo Bay = not okay.

d. Firing U.S. Attorneys for purely political reasons = okay.
e. Trying to manipulate a hospitalized and barely coherent former AG into reauthorizing the wiretapping bill over the acting AG's orders = okay.

f. The right of habeus corpus = nonexistent.

So why resign now? I guess if you take all your orders from Karl Rove and Rove resigns his post, there just isn't much left for you to do. Or maybe Gonzales figured his assault on the rule of law just wasn't working as well as he had hoped.

Anyway, to you Mr. Gonzales, farewell and good riddance.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

What Are You Still Doing Here?

At this point, complaining about President Bush's screwups has become pretty pointless. There will be no impeachment; driving around with an "Impeach Bush/Cheney" bumper sticker is akin to driving around with an "elect Dukakis/Bentsen in '88" sticker. In other words, get over it -- it's not happening. Even with election season just around the corner, the hard reality is that we've still got 14 more months of him (19 if you count the two months until the newly elected president gets sworn in and Bush officially leaves). So we've got a solid year left of Bush continuously one-upping himself in making the worst decisions possible. Every time I hear the latest Bush policy, I think to myself "That's the worst idea I've ever heard," but then he always does himself one worse the next time. So it's hard to complain about each one, because you know the next will be that much worse.

Today, however, I find the need to say something. This isn't the worst thing ever, but it's pretty damn insulting. I'm referring to a recent Bush speech where he argued that we ought to stay in Iraq, and as his support, reasoned that we should have stayed longer in Vietnam. No wait, there's more. He gave this speech in front of the Veterans of Foreign Wars.

There are several ways you can interpret those statements, no doubt. But personally, if I had been one of the veterans at that speech, I probably would have interpreted it thusly: "If only we had stayed in Vietnam.....more of you fine folks would be dead right now."

I'm not sure I've ever witnessed such a brashly selective view of history. First, he ignored practically every lesson to be learned from Vietnam (such as don't engage in foreign wars based on political ideology rather than an actual security threat), downplayed the whole "quagmire" possibility and charged into an ill-prepared and ill-designed war. Then, once the whole thing goes to shit, when we're stuck without any real solution, when hundreds of thousands of lives have already been lost - THEN he looks at Vietnam. I'll be damned.

I'll admit, the American withdrawal from Vietnam was poorly executed, and resulted in some pretty serious problems such as destabilization and countless refugees that needed to flee the area. And yes, it does have a strong paralell to what is happening in Iraq today. And by no means am I saying we ought to be high-tailing it out of Iraq, because I have no idea what the best solution is. But for the love of Christ, is he really that ballsy to bring Vietnam out NOW and throw it in our faces as a reason to support him, after we've practically shouted VIET-FUCKING-NAM at him for years and years? Apparently, yes.

Maybe it doesn't matter at this point. Maybe, like the article says, it's just a last ditch gambit for a president with nothing to lose. I guess there's no such thing as negative-credibility. But still... I never ceased to be amazed at the depths this man is willing to sink to.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

A Reason To Watch Heroes Again

Last year's abysmal season finale of Heroes left many of us contemplating whether we would even watch the next season, or at least left us looking forward to the season with a disinterest bordering on complete apathy. For one thing, they were rumored to not be starting the season until January or February like many other serialized shows (Lost, Battlestar Galactica, 24, Your Mom's a Horcrux, etc.). Apparently that's changed, and they will be starting up this fall again, but still....I, for one, was losing interest real fast.


Now, however, I have a reason to watch. Heroes has announced that they have just added Kristen Bell to the cast as an enigmatic new character. For those of you unaware, Kristen Bell was the titular star of the recently cancelled series Veronica Mars. She also happens to be my favorite actress on television. Or possibly anywhere, for that matter. For starters, she has serious acting ability, and can be play anguished and dramatic equally well as hilarious and goofballish. She's got mad sarcasm skillz, and is damn cute to boot.

So, you can bet I'll be watching when Heroes picks back up for Season 2. Let's just hope they give Bell a character worth playing, and the viewers an apology for spitting on us during the finale.

Wanted: Experienced Lyger Trainer

Cruising the job bank today, I found a posting by the Department of Corrections for an Administrative Specialist. Now, this is a non-legal position so I figured I wouldn't apply, but I decided to at least look at it since it is tangentially related to criminal law. The posting is pretty standard, until you get to the listing of job knowledge and abilities they want. At this point, you find out that whoever drafted this posting is a big Napoleon Dynamite fan. The following is an excerpt from the requirements:

"Job Knowledge, Skills and Abilities:

Extensive skills in using and maintaining confidential information.*
Extensive telephonic skills.*
Skills in oral communication sufficient to relate to professionals, managers and the general public.*
Conflict resolution skills.*
Organizational skills.*
Skills in written communications to prepare well organized and coherent correspondence.*
Skills in using automated information systems.*
Skills in hunting centaurs.*
Skills in using software, including Microsoft Word and Excel.*
Skills in using data to prepare reports.*
Record keeping skills.*
Computer hacking skills.*
Problem solving skills.*
Time management skills."

Okay, so I threw in a couple extra there, and sure, they didn't spell "skills" with a 'z.' But I love the fact that, rather than just giving a general "Job Skills" heading and listing X, Y, and Z, they give a general "Job Skills" heading and still make sure to include the word "skills" in every requirement. So either the DoC places a premium on redundancy or the poster had a little fun on this one.

Friday, August 17, 2007

For the Record

If you notice a fairly large bruise under my chin, the giant bandage on my knee, and the band-aids on my palm and finger, to be clear, these injuries were all sustained in a recent ninja attack. I did not receive them while rollerblading way too fast down a hill, spinning around and smashing my jaw into the concrete in an astonishing display of rollerblading ineptitude. Any reports you here to the contrary are lies, all lies.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Forward

Having read Mr. Ismael's reflections on moving, I have to agree, the process is awful. Sorting through your old stuff, wondering why on earth you have most of that crap, deciding what needs to be kept, boxing it up and throwing out the rest, cleaning out the disgustingness, loading the boxes into a moving contraption, then unloading and unpacking everything you just boxed up - I can hardly think of a bigger pain in the ass. You're basically being forced to uproot your whole existence and move on in search for a better place. It's kinda like being a Native American, except without all the drinking.

The upside? I no longer live in a place I'm ashamed of, that I don't care what it looks like, and that I dread having to show to anyone. I now live in a place that I'm proud of, that I actually want to clean and keep nice, and that I'd love to have people over to see. Most of it is due to my girl's interior design mad skillz (for instance, getting things that match other things -- genius), which tend to make the apartment look pretty sweet. We're still lacking some furniture and other minor touches, but it is coming together nicely.

Even cooler -- everything works. Other than my parents house, I've lived in three dorms and two tiny apartments. (Plus KH's old apartment, which I frequented like a common squatter for awhile, before quasi- moving in, which I don't really count in my analysis.) I would always be lacking things, or things would break, just the basic modern conveniances, and it would be frustrating as hell. Even at KH's place, the lack of a dishwasher was maddening, and the shower was either haunted or just vindictive with the consistently freezing or scalding water temperature. Now, however, we have pretty much everything we need, except an in-home washer and dryer. But we've got plenty other amenities to make up for it, like the unbelievably handy patio door, and the fact that I can accidentally (and repeatedly) leave the car or apartment doors unlocked without worry of having it stolen/transientized.

So yeah, moving is exhausting, and it casts a depressing light on part of your life that is ending, but there is plenty to look forward to once the move is completed. Not just with the apartment, but with life in general. Just think of it this way -- you're leaving behind the parts of you that are unnecessary, carrying the best parts of you forward, and hopefully moving to a better place.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

I Think I Need a Wheeliebag

So the strap on my computer case broke today. This makes five computer cases I've had, and on each one, either the clip holding the strap broke, or the clip physically ripped out of the lining of the case, making it impossible to use the strap. At this rate, I go through computer cases almost as fast as your mom goes through horsecock.

(Normally I would point out how badly I just burned your mom right now, but from what I hear, she's already burning.)

Apparently computer cases aren't meant to hold anything in addition to the laptop. Which is a problem for me, because I need it to hold several files, random papers, additional notebooks, some Rolos, my keys and wallet, and other things from time to time. Now, it may be my fault for putting all of this stuff in the case, but if I don't, where else will I put it? I need these things with me. I'm not going to carry a backpack in addition to my computer case. I've tried that, and its just awkward. As far as I'm concerned, I shouldn't have to haul multiple bags around when one should suffice.

I guess I'll just go back to carrying my laptop in my backpack, if I can clear some room. That, or I'll become part of the problem. I'll get a wheeliebag. No problems with straps breaking off there. I could even get like two or three bowling balls and drag them suckers around, smashing into people's legs, rolling over people's feet, and making sure to disrupt the flow of all pedestrian traffic in my wake.

Of course, I'd have to keep my guard up, because wheeliebags are a gateway drug to greater assholery. First wheeliebags, then I start spoiling the ends of movies, then I stop shaving and start ordering people not to eat meat, and next thing you know its pink shirts all over the place.

Ah yes. The path to the dark side takes one step at a time.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Read a Book, N*gga!

As an avid fan of hip hop, I'd be the first to admit that rap has really hit the skids lately. And by lately, I mean the past several years. To be perfectly honest, I've never really cared that much for the genre's lyrics -- the production is what hooks me. This is why I've never gotten much into the underground scene; the lyrics may be much more intelligent, but the production is comparatively lacking. I'll admit that I mostly listen to the mainstream -- Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube, etc., and although I think my favorites are better than the vast majority of mainstream rap, they're still mainstream, which equals a general lack of substance and often dumbed-down lyrics. So I tend to take the blatant violence, misogyny, criminal references, drug references, and straight-up stupidity with a grain of salt. If the beat knocks, I can generally overlook quite a bit of asinine lyrics.

For me, rap is all about the attitude -- confidence, charisma, defiance. Everyone's got an internal rhythm, and mine happens to be set to the beats of Dr. Dre, Timbaland, and Just Blaze. I don't know why; maybe it stems from a subconscious rebellion against the music of the area I grew up in (country) and the music of the people I grew up with (alternative and metal, primarily); or maybe its something deeper. I don't know. It's just a part of me.

Over the past couple of years, I've branched out a bit in my tastes and listen to a broader selection than I used to. However, I still tend to refrain from participating in discussions of music with my friends, primarily because (a) I don't know what music they're talking about, or (b) I don't understand it in the same way they do. Same way with my music - I don't talk to other people about it for those reasons. I also shy away from playing it around them for this reason, but another reason is that, as I've explained, most rap sounds stupid. If people don't feel the beats the same way I do, they'll just listen to the idiotic lyrics and dismiss it as terrible music. Which, of course, they have every right to do.

Still, I've got a recommendation for everyone. Check out the song "Read a Book" by Bomani "D'Mite" Armah. Better yet, check out the video for it on YouTube. At first glance, you'd swear this is by Lil Jon, and I had thought it was until this morning when I did a little digging. It's actually a parody of Lil Jon, or at least a parody of the Chappelle Show's take on Lil Jon.

So what's the song? Fucking brilliant, that's what. Rather than following the usual rap stereotypes, talking about dealing drugs, buying expensive cars, and having sex with as many women as possible, this song advises its listeners, among other things, to read a book, buy some land, raise your kids, and wear deoderant. Simple, certainly, but a positive message for once. Basically, the song is meant to be a satire of how terrible rap has become.

More importantly, the style of the song is brilliant. He does it in exactly Lil Jon's style - short, repetitive, and obscene lyrics. He even throws in the trademarked "Okaaaay!" at a choice moment. Plus, the song is set to a really cool orchestral arrangement. It's got these clashing elements of positive messages and orchestral backdrops versus seemingly dumbed-down and repetitive lyrics filled with obscenities. It's amazing.

I won't tell you the lines here; out of context it wouldn't be as funny, plus I wouldn't want to ruin the effect for if and when you hear it. But please, everyone, check it out.

Friday, August 03, 2007

World News Update

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan (AP) — On Friday, Pakistan criticized the U.S. government for the continued funding of NASA's Phoenix Mission, a Mars lander that is headed to the red planet to look for water and carbon compounds that could signify life on Mars. Top Pakistan officials said continued support of this program was irresponsible and will likely lead to invasions from hostile alien nations.

"It's a very irresponsible action, that's all I can say," Pakistan's Foreign Minister Khusheed Kasuri told AP Television News. "As global terrorism becomes an increasing threat to all nations, this is no time to be meddling in the affairs of extra terrestrial life forms. Suicide bombers will seem like a minor threat compared to weaponized space lasers that any invading race will likely possess."

In protest to the Phoenix Mission, 1,000 tribesmen rallied in Miran Shah, the main town in North Waziristan tribal area, condemning the American government by burning an American flag and chanting slogans against the United States. "Down with America! Down with outer space! Death to all space invaders!" local cleric Maulvi Mohammed Roman cheered, spurring on the rally.

After this demonstration, the Taico Corporation of Japan asked whether the protestors intended
to condemn the video game "Space Invaders" and its isometric depictions of death-ray wielding alien life forms, originally developed for the arcade and Atari gaming platforms.


In response, protestors reassembled in Miran Shah on Monday and burned another American flag.


A confused spokesman for Taico then issued a statement asking for clarification on what exactly the American flag had to do with whether Pakistan condemns the "Space Invaders" game.


When reached for comment, Pakistani Foreign Minister replied, "Because." He later added, "Death to America!!"