Sometimes your fat, lazy, can't-figure-out-how-to-shit-in-the-box kitten catches a baby chipmunk.
Sometimes it's really gross.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Goodbye, and Thanks For All the FIBs
As far as I'm concerned, Illinois is done. Throughout the years, I've found plenty of reasons to hate Illinois. Where to begin? You've got FIBs that come to our state and ruin all that is good and decent. You've got the never-ending stench of skunk on some of the highways. You've got tolls, making people stop and pay to continue driving on their god-forsaken roadways. That right there is morally offensive. Plus you've got Illinois Nazis. I hate Illinois Nazis.
Lately, however, Illinois has really upped the assholery, to the point where I am vowing never to drive in that state again until the facism stops. On my most recent trip, I got hit with a ticket for failing to stop at a red light. To be fair, I blew the light. Not on purpose, but because it was really late and I turned left when the green arrow for the straight lanes came on. But I didn't even get pulled over by a cop. No, I got flagged by a goddamned video camera. $100 down the drain, thank you very much.
Next, I had skipped some of their rat-bastard tolls and intended to pay them when I got home. But I waited too long (8 days. 8 fucking days. Apparently me waiting 8 fucking days was inexcusable to those asshats). Therefore, I was not able to pay them online. I wasn't able to pay them at all. I had committed a "violation." That was it. So I got something in the mail saying I owed the great state of Illinois another $146. For missing $3.00 worth of tolls. It was either pay it, or get hit with another $300 worth of fines that would get sent to a collections agency. On the off chance they would ever come to collect, I decided to save the hassle and just pay it.
But now they're really crossing the line. The highways are all torn up with construction, and they've got their stupid signs saying "Hit a roadworker, serve 14 years in prison." As someone who actually works in criminal justice, I know full well that that in itself is completly fucking ridiculous. But compared to all the other assholery going on, that's toward the bottom of the list, so let's move on ahead. Due to construction, the speed zones have reduced from 65 mph to 45 mph, even less in places. Of course, nobody actually drives the speed limit, right?
Well, they better fucking start now. Check this shit out:
Illinois will begin using photo radar in freeway work zones in July. One mile per hour over the speed limit and the machine will get you a nice $375.00 ticket in the mail. Beginning July 1st, the State of Illinois will begin using the speed cameras in areas designated as "Work Zones" on major freeways. Anyone caught by these devices will be mailed a $375.00 ticket for the FIRST offense. The SECOND offense will cost $1000.00 and comes with a 90-Day suspension. Drivers will also receive demerit points against their license, which allow insurance companies to raise Insurance rates.
That right there is some bullshit. In Illin-we're-too-fuckin-good-to-pronounce-our-'S's, one mile over the speed limit is a $375 fine.
Well, if the whole point of this is to completely discourage people from ever entering your shit-tastic state ever again, congratulations. You can kiss my black ass goodbye.
Lately, however, Illinois has really upped the assholery, to the point where I am vowing never to drive in that state again until the facism stops. On my most recent trip, I got hit with a ticket for failing to stop at a red light. To be fair, I blew the light. Not on purpose, but because it was really late and I turned left when the green arrow for the straight lanes came on. But I didn't even get pulled over by a cop. No, I got flagged by a goddamned video camera. $100 down the drain, thank you very much.
Next, I had skipped some of their rat-bastard tolls and intended to pay them when I got home. But I waited too long (8 days. 8 fucking days. Apparently me waiting 8 fucking days was inexcusable to those asshats). Therefore, I was not able to pay them online. I wasn't able to pay them at all. I had committed a "violation." That was it. So I got something in the mail saying I owed the great state of Illinois another $146. For missing $3.00 worth of tolls. It was either pay it, or get hit with another $300 worth of fines that would get sent to a collections agency. On the off chance they would ever come to collect, I decided to save the hassle and just pay it.
But now they're really crossing the line. The highways are all torn up with construction, and they've got their stupid signs saying "Hit a roadworker, serve 14 years in prison." As someone who actually works in criminal justice, I know full well that that in itself is completly fucking ridiculous. But compared to all the other assholery going on, that's toward the bottom of the list, so let's move on ahead. Due to construction, the speed zones have reduced from 65 mph to 45 mph, even less in places. Of course, nobody actually drives the speed limit, right?
Well, they better fucking start now. Check this shit out:
Illinois will begin using photo radar in freeway work zones in July. One mile per hour over the speed limit and the machine will get you a nice $375.00 ticket in the mail. Beginning July 1st, the State of Illinois will begin using the speed cameras in areas designated as "Work Zones" on major freeways. Anyone caught by these devices will be mailed a $375.00 ticket for the FIRST offense. The SECOND offense will cost $1000.00 and comes with a 90-Day suspension. Drivers will also receive demerit points against their license, which allow insurance companies to raise Insurance rates.
That right there is some bullshit. In Illin-we're-too-fuckin-good-to-pronounce-our-'S's, one mile over the speed limit is a $375 fine.
Well, if the whole point of this is to completely discourage people from ever entering your shit-tastic state ever again, congratulations. You can kiss my black ass goodbye.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Hypocrisy is the New Black
That crashing sound you hear is Senator John Ensign falling flat on his gay-bashing face. Sen. Ensign has now entered rarified air in joining former Senator Larry Craig and Representative Mark Foley, as a family values conservative shot down by a sex scandal. Like Sen. Craig, Ensign was another staunch protector of traditional marriage and GOP congressman to reveal he has had an extramarital affair.
Personally, I can't be more proud of the fact that we've got stand-up guys like Ensign, Craig, and the thrice-divorced Rush Limbaugh preaching to us about family values. And the message? Marriage is a union between one man, one woman, a female staffer, a second woman to replace the first one, pre-teen boys, a third woman to replace the second one, and the occasional diddle in a men's bathroom stall.
Personally, I can't be more proud of the fact that we've got stand-up guys like Ensign, Craig, and the thrice-divorced Rush Limbaugh preaching to us about family values. And the message? Marriage is a union between one man, one woman, a female staffer, a second woman to replace the first one, pre-teen boys, a third woman to replace the second one, and the occasional diddle in a men's bathroom stall.
Monday, June 08, 2009
The Landed Gentry UPDATED
Just put an offer in on a house. Soon I shall own property. I also own a business, a car, and some cats. I'm also getting married.
I'm almost like one of those people...you know...uh, what are they called?
Right. Adults.
Almost.
UPDATE: 6/9/09 - Countered by a swift kick in the nuts.
UPDATE: 6/9/09 - Countered with a headbutt to the ovaries.
UPDATE: 6/10/09 - Countered by pretty much conceding defeat.
We win!
UPDATE: 6/10/09 - Nevermind. We just got bent over by the bank. It's not happening, at least for now.
I'm almost like one of those people...you know...uh, what are they called?
Right. Adults.
Almost.
UPDATE: 6/9/09 - Countered by a swift kick in the nuts.
UPDATE: 6/9/09 - Countered with a headbutt to the ovaries.
UPDATE: 6/10/09 - Countered by pretty much conceding defeat.
We win!
UPDATE: 6/10/09 - Nevermind. We just got bent over by the bank. It's not happening, at least for now.
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