Oh, it's on.

Two Words

2010-01-06T15:23:00.002-06:00

First jury trial since July 2008.

Three charges. One dismissed without going to jury.

Verdicts reached on remaining two charges.

Each verdict had two words.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

This is Why Technology Rules

2009-12-18T10:57:00.003-06:00

This morning I had a two-hour dentist appointment for some in-depth gum cleaning procedure. Sounds horrible, you say? It would have been, except I was allowed to listen to my Ipod during the whole thing. Sure it was still uncomfortable, but I was listening to Zeppelin. So instead of hearing awful, screeching dentistry equipment, I was hearing When the Levee Breaks and Immigrant Song.

2009 is a good time to be alive.

Wasp, the Hunted

2009-11-12T09:53:00.003-06:00

Long ago, circa 2007, I gave up my full-time ninjaing career to go into the practice of law. Questionable as that decision was, you'll be happy to know it hasn't required me to give up the practice of ninjitsu altogether. Our office has been the target of bug attacks from time to time. Every now and again, we will get bees or wasps. Tuesday we had a wasp attack. Though my skills proved to be a little rusty, but still lethal.

Let me set the scene. This wasp was roughly 4 feet long, with a 6 foot wing span, much like a baby pterodactyl. It zoomed down from our blinds at the front of the room and began swooping around at us, trying to gouge our skulls. Then it would just fly back to the blinds and hide in the upper corner atop some metal thingy. Mr. Ismael and I decided to take action, and approached the beast from the south. Not having my weapon of choice, the nunchaku, I settled for a legal pad, with the intent to swat at the sucker when it came flying back for another pass. However, the beast soon grew wise to my intention, and chose to remain hidden atop the metal thingy near the ceiling rather than face my wrath. But I would not let this (non)aggression stand.

So I did the only logical thing. I chucked the legal pad at the metal thingy. While it missed the wasp by a couple inches, it stuck into the wall like a shuriken (ninja star). With thanks to Ryan, here is the picture to prove it:

Naturally, the wasp was so intimidated that, well, it remained hidden. For a moment, we briefly considered throwing Ismael's legal pad at the other legal pad to get it down, but were concerned the second legal pad would also become stuck, thereby rendering the situation hopelessly ridiculous. Instead, I approached the window, reefed the first legal pad down, and we waited. When the beast flew down across the window, Ismael began striking with his legal pad. I believe he was able to stun the beast until it fell into a crevasse on the window sill, at which point Ismael retreated in case the wasp got angry and launched a desperation strike.

Before it could, however, I moved in and smashed the monstrosity with my legal pad until its head collapsed, thus ending the threat, and restoring peace to the office.

Two Rings to Rule Them All

2009-10-12T10:32:00.002-06:00

I trust that all (3) of you who read this know the happy news and were there for the event itself. But in case there are any stragglers, hear this: The two great powers from west (Eau Claire) and east (Oshkosh) have joined, united by the power of their rings; she of the Side Diamonds, most notable for blinding well-wishers and opponents from any angle; and he of the Mimetic Poly-alloy, most notable for creating T-1000's. Much congratulations and fealty are owed.

And many thanks to all of you who helped make two geeks very happy on their special day.

The Marriagator

2009-09-14T07:46:00.002-06:00

I have now officiated a wedding. Check that one off in the List Of Stuff I Had No Idea I'd Ever Do But It's Aight. Actually, the whole thing was pretty badass. I didn't have to get ordained, or even go online and sign up the United Church of People Who Appreciate Jesus and Bears Holding Sharks or anything. In Colorado, anybody can do it. That's just how they roll.

The upshot is that, if anybody wants a rogue wedding, I can do it. I'm pretty sure I am now able to roam the Colorado countryside pronouncing marriages left and right.

This is a power they would have been wise not to give me. I can tell you this much - next time I go to CO, there are gonna be some pretty suprised newlyweds.

Yay?

2009-08-19T08:08:00.002-06:00

The revised draft of my book went to printing yesterday. I hesitate to call it a second draft, because really it's a second first draft. It's progress either way, because the story has definitely improved. It just sucks that it took nearly 2 years to finish the first first draft, and just under a year to finish the second first draft. At this rate, in just a few years' time, I'll already be on my fifth first draft.

Higher Learning

2009-08-06T17:00:00.001-06:00

Today, over lunch, I watched the last 30 minutes of XXX: State of the Union for legitimate research and educational purposes. Swear to God.

Midnight Pruning

2009-07-10T07:17:00.004-06:00

No, the title is not referring to some catchy new euphemism. It refers, instead, to a story of unsurpassed ridiculousness, courtesy of your old pal Vice. And I promise you, every word of it is the truth.

Our satellite has been having problems for a couple weeks now, with the signal cutting in and out. It goes out for long stretches of time, causing us to miss programming on occasion. I've been trying to get someone out here to look at the problem. It hasn't been easy (e.g. the first person told me to call back when it wasn't cloudy, to which I wanted to say how about I just call back when you're done going and fucking yourself), but we finally got someone out to the house yesterday. Naturally, they have you block off a 5 hour period in which they might arrive, and then arrive half an hour past the 5 hour period. But he got here, and checked things out.

Ultimately he concluded that foliage was blocking our receiver. Whether or not this is the entire problem, I'm not sure. But he did show me this cool device where I could look up into the sky and see the exact spot our signal was coming from for both receivers. Sure enough, there was a patch of branches and leaves that was blocking both the upper and lower receivers. The repair guy told me there wasn't anything he could do, because we'd have to either (a) have the satellite moved, which our landlord probably won't go for, or (b) have the offending branches cut down, which we'd have to consult our landlord about.

Problem was, we didn't want to wait. We've been screwing around with this damn thing for weeks, and we wanted it fixed. So I got a picture of the offending branches, and decided to cut them down myself. We went to Target and bought some shears, labelled (I shit you not) "The Lopper." It was bad-ass. We brought it home, and contemplated when to do the deed. I decided on doing it late at night, so people wouldn't see me and contact the landlord. As it got later, pH asked me when I was going to do it, and I hadn't quite got the nerve yet. Ten pm rolled around, and we made the decision to just go to bed and deal with it another time.

3:45 am. I woke up, checked out the scene, and decided to give it a go. I figured nobody would be out at that time, and we just got new stadium lights outside our complex which would make it easy to see. So I grabbed the camera with with picture of the branches, our mini step ladder, and the Lopper, and headed outside.

As I suspected, no one was around. I walked over to the satellite, took a look up at the tree, and tried to find the branches. But it didn't look right. In the picture, there was one big clump in the middle, with one little solitary branch hanging above. Now it looked more like two big clumps, and I wasn't sure which was the right clump, or if all of it was. I thought fuck it, I'll hack 'em all down. So I walked my mini step ladder over and took a look.

Now, those of you familiar with your old pal Vice knows I'm not the tallest individual in the world. Abundant heighth is actually a serious disadvantage in the world of ninjaing. So let's just say I roll with a pretty low center of gravity. The mini step ladder I was using gave me about an extra clearance of maybe 1 1/2 to 2 feet. The Lopper had a handle over a foot long. The branches, on the other hand, were about 15+ feet off the ground. In other words, I couldn't come close to reaching those branches. I wouldn't have been able to reach those branches even with a tall ladder.

Buckle up, because this is where things get retarded.

At this point, I had a decision to make. I envisioned several options. 1. Go back to bed, call the landlord in the morning, have them deal with it. 2. Go back to bed, buy a bigger ladder, buy a bigger Lopper, and try again another time. 3. Scale the tree, climb out onto the branches, and start lopping. 4. Rip the tree out of the ground by its roots with my bare hands.

I passed on all of those options, for several reasons. It was like 4 am. I was already awake, and no one was around. I didn't have to get up early the next day. I didn't want to wait for the landlord. I had my Lopper. I am a man. I don't climb trees well, and probably worse while holding the Lopper. And I saw no reason to destroy the entire tree at that point. So I did the only thing I could do. If I couldn't go to the tree, I had to make the tree come to me.

My first thought was that a few well-thrown ninja stars would do nicely, buzzing the branches right off. My second thought was that a few poorly-thrown ninja stars would crash into the nearby cars, buzzing the car parts right off. I passed on that.

Then I decided that a little rope might do the trick. My thinking was if I could throw the rope over the branch, I could pull down on both ends, which would lower the branch toward the ground. Recognizing this as the stroke of brilliance that it was, I came inside to look for rope, while trying not to disturb my light-sleeping fiancee who had to get up early. The only rope I had was a small bit of rope I used while tying things to my car once while moving. I decided that wouldn't be long enough, so I kept looking. Then I found a pair of extension cords. One was about 15 feet long, the other about 5. I thought, this is perfect - tie them together, and away we go.

Got outside, tied the cords together, and tossed them at the branch. Missed. Tossed them again. Missed. My goal was to toss it far enough over so that enough cord hung down on both sides so I could just grab them both and tug. The first time I got the cord up there, I flung the whole thing too far. The entire cord got stuck on a branch much higher up than the original branch.

So there I was, with my whole plan stuck in a tree. At this point, I had a decision to make. I envisioned several options. 1. Forget the cord, go to bed, landlord, etc. 2. Forget the cord, go to bed, taller ladder, etc. 3. Find some way to get my extension cord down, then cut my losses and go to bed. 4. Find some way to get the extension cord down, then continued what I'd set out to do. I think you know where I'm going with this.

As I started trying to think how to get the cord down, a car rolled into the parking lot. I stopped, walked around a bit, got a bottle of water from my car, and came back when the person was safely inside, a couple buildings away. I decided if I could find something long enough I could poke the cord or hook it and pull it down. Not wanting to risk one of my golf clubs (which I've been known to bust in half over foliage), I grabbed the Swiffer Sweeper. Only problem with that was the head wobbles. Without giving it much thought, I grabbed a clotheshanger and the Swiffer, and brought them both outside.

By this time it was starting to sprinkle. But a little rain never hurt anybody, right? So I took the mini step ladder and the Swiffer and tried to prod my extension cord out of the tree. No dice. I could reach one part hanging down, but the Swiffer couldn't latch on. So I took the clotheshanger, bent it so the whole wire part was vertical except for the hook, and attempted to position the thing on the Swiffer. After a few minutes, I got something workable, and I tried again. Success! I got the extension cord down. Then I set back about trying to throw it over the branch.

Occasionally I'd get the cord up on the branches, but the other end wouldn't hang far enough down so that I could reach it. That didn't help, so I just had to tug it back down and try again. Deciding I wasn't putting enough mustard on the toss, I reared back and gave it a solid heave. Success! An almost perfect throw, with plenty of cord hanging down on both sides.

Before I set about attempting to do some lopping, I felt something strange on the back of my head. I reached back to feel it. It was blood. My fingers were sticky with blood. My scalp was bleeding. I vaguely recalled something hitting me. Turns out, when I tossed the cord up, the bottom plug struck me in the skull on the way up. I kept rubbing the spot, and wiped the blood off on the grass.

At this point, I had a decision to make. This task had cost me a half hour worth of sleep already. I hadn't cut off any branches. It was raining. And now I was bleeding from the head. I envisioned several options. 1. Screw the cord, go inside, wipe the blood off, go to bed, landlord, etc. 2. Screw the cord, go inside, wipe the blood off, go to bed, taller ladder, etc. 3. Wipe the blood off, keep working. 4. Screw the blood, keep working.

So...I set up my ladder, grabbed the lopper, and started tugging on the cord. Sure enough, the branches bent to my will. I started trying to cut. It still wasn't easy, as I had to bend the branches a long way down. I cut off a few bits, and then the cord dislodged. I took a look back up at the tree. Didn't look like I'd done enough damage (to the tree, at least). So I scooped up the branches, tossed them in the dumpster, and took a moment to reflect.

Another car came by. This time, it parked closer to my building. Plus, the guy didn't go inside right away - he stayed outside and had a cigarette. Asshole. I decided to take this opportunity to go inside and wipe some of the blood off with a paper towel. That seemed to help, so I went back out and kept working. As I kept tossing the cord, I made sure to hang on to the other end so as not to (a) get the whole thing stuck in the tree again, or (b) let it impale me in the skull again. I gave it a few good tosses. I was getting better, and routinely got it at least partially stuck in the tree. Then I got a really good one, as both ends were nice and long on each side, and the middle was stuck firmly in the trees. I positioned my ladder and Lopper, and tried pulling. But I was having trouble trying to lower the branches and raise my Lopper at the same time since I'd gotten more brances tangled this time. I tried tying the ends of the cord around the tree trunk, and I almost got there when the point where the two cords met came apart, and the cords fell down. No branches cut that time.

So I kept going, and made sure to tie the cords in a loop around where they met so when I started pulling, I'd be pulling on the loop rather than directly on the connection between the cords. That seemed to work better. The next time I got the cord stuck, I got a few more branches, but not many. Another car rolled past, so I took a short break. Then I set back at it. After a few close misses, I got it caught tenuously. I decided to give it a shot, and if it came down when I tugged, so be it. But the cord held on the branch, and brought it close enough for me to do some lopping. This time I got a good amount of foliage, and a nice thick branch before the cord slipped and the larger branch returned skyward.

I cleared the lopped foliage away and took another look. Quite frankly, I couldn't tell if I'd gotten the right branches. I know I got some of it, but the whole thing looked so different from when I took the picture earlier, I couldn't be sure.

It had taken me an hour, and I was sweating and tired, and I didn't know if I could do any better with the tools at my disposal. Given that I hadn't completely failed, I decided to call it a night (morning). I grabbed the mini step ladder, the Swiffer Sweeper, the bent clotheshanger, the extension cords, and the Lopper, and wobbled inside. Washed up a bit, and crawled back into bed at 4:55 am.

Couldn't sleep, of course. I was pretty awake, and struggling not to laugh at my own stupidity. Plus, the back of my head was still sore, and it hurt to lay it on the pillow. Eventually I drifted off, followed by dreams of even more stupidity.

That, my friends, is what they call midnight pruning.

BTW - I've now checked the television. I'm not sure if I did any good or not. One of the satellites still seems blocked, but the other is free and clear now. But we're getting programming at least. Yay me.

Why I Own Cats

2009-07-06T11:12:00.004-06:00

Scene: I set a sandwich down on the arm of the couch, wrapped in a paper towel.

K1 was sitting on the back of a nearby chair.

K2 was sitting by the patio door, looking out the screen.

As I walk out of the kitchen, I see K1 creeping over toward the sandwich, very slowly. I get closer, and K1 still doesn't notice. Finally she spots me and freaks out. K1 leaps over the back of the couch, directly at K2. K2, thinking she's under attack, freaks out, and goes tearing out of the room. K1 rushes head first into the screen door, then sits there in a daze.

For the next half hour, anytime the kitties see one another, they all have puffy tails and fur standing up on their backs, and they keep hissing and chasing one another around the room.

Classic.

1,000 Words

2009-07-02T07:46:00.001-06:00

On the Prowl

2009-06-27T11:51:00.003-06:00

Sometimes your fat, lazy, can't-figure-out-how-to-shit-in-the-box kitten catches a baby chipmunk.

Sometimes it's really gross.

Goodbye, and Thanks For All the FIBs

2009-06-23T17:34:00.003-06:00

As far as I'm concerned, Illinois is done. Throughout the years, I've found plenty of reasons to hate Illinois. Where to begin? You've got FIBs that come to our state and ruin all that is good and decent. You've got the never-ending stench of skunk on some of the highways. You've got tolls, making people stop and pay to continue driving on their god-forsaken roadways. That right there is morally offensive. Plus you've got Illinois Nazis. I hate Illinois Nazis.

Lately, however, Illinois has really upped the assholery, to the point where I am vowing never to drive in that state again until the facism stops. On my most recent trip, I got hit with a ticket for failing to stop at a red light. To be fair, I blew the light. Not on purpose, but because it was really late and I turned left when the green arrow for the straight lanes came on. But I didn't even get pulled over by a cop. No, I got flagged by a goddamned video camera. $100 down the drain, thank you very much.

Next, I had skipped some of their rat-bastard tolls and intended to pay them when I got home. But I waited too long (8 days. 8 fucking days. Apparently me waiting 8 fucking days was inexcusable to those asshats). Therefore, I was not able to pay them online. I wasn't able to pay them at all. I had committed a "violation." That was it. So I got something in the mail saying I owed the great state of Illinois another $146. For missing $3.00 worth of tolls. It was either pay it, or get hit with another $300 worth of fines that would get sent to a collections agency. On the off chance they would ever come to collect, I decided to save the hassle and just pay it.

But now they're really crossing the line. The highways are all torn up with construction, and they've got their stupid signs saying "Hit a roadworker, serve 14 years in prison." As someone who actually works in criminal justice, I know full well that that in itself is completly fucking ridiculous. But compared to all the other assholery going on, that's toward the bottom of the list, so let's move on ahead. Due to construction, the speed zones have reduced from 65 mph to 45 mph, even less in places. Of course, nobody actually drives the speed limit, right?

Well, they better fucking start now. Check this shit out:

Illinois will begin using photo radar in freeway work zones in July. One mile per hour over the speed limit and the machine will get you a nice $375.00 ticket in the mail. Beginning July 1st, the State of Illinois will begin using the speed cameras in areas designated as "Work Zones" on major freeways. Anyone caught by these devices will be mailed a $375.00 ticket for the FIRST offense. The SECOND offense will cost $1000.00 and comes with a 90-Day suspension. Drivers will also receive demerit points against their license, which allow insurance companies to raise Insurance rates.

That right there is some bullshit. In Illin-we're-too-fuckin-good-to-pronounce-our-'S's, one mile over the speed limit is a $375 fine.

Well, if the whole point of this is to completely discourage people from ever entering your shit-tastic state ever again, congratulations. You can kiss my black ass goodbye.

Hypocrisy is the New Black

2009-06-18T07:14:00.002-06:00

That crashing sound you hear is Senator John Ensign falling flat on his gay-bashing face. Sen. Ensign has now entered rarified air in joining former Senator Larry Craig and Representative Mark Foley, as a family values conservative shot down by a sex scandal. Like Sen. Craig, Ensign was another staunch protector of traditional marriage and GOP congressman to reveal he has had an extramarital affair.

Personally, I can't be more proud of the fact that we've got stand-up guys like Ensign, Craig, and the thrice-divorced Rush Limbaugh preaching to us about family values. And the message? Marriage is a union between one man, one woman, a female staffer, a second woman to replace the first one, pre-teen boys, a third woman to replace the second one, and the occasional diddle in a men's bathroom stall.

The Landed Gentry UPDATED

2009-06-08T18:29:00.005-06:00

Just put an offer in on a house. Soon I shall own property. I also own a business, a car, and some cats. I'm also getting married.

I'm almost like one of those people...you know...uh, what are they called?

Right. Adults.

Almost.

UPDATE: 6/9/09 - Countered by a swift kick in the nuts.

UPDATE: 6/9/09 - Countered with a headbutt to the ovaries.

UPDATE: 6/10/09 - Countered by pretty much conceding defeat.

We win!

UPDATE: 6/10/09 - Nevermind. We just got bent over by the bank. It's not happening, at least for now.

Huh?

2009-05-27T11:16:00.003-06:00

I have a Blackberry. However, I have not yet learned all of its little tricks and nuances. This is partially due to my own laziness, and partially in an effort to frustrate Ismael.

At any rate, today I got a little graphic in the upper right corner where the missed calls and voicemails show up. The missed call graphics are like an X, and the voicemails are an envelope. But the graphic I have right now is a smiley face. It says I have one smiley face, with an asterisk. Whatever the hell it is, it doesn't show up in my emails or as a text message. I don't know where the fuck to locate this thing.

Please, somebody, tell me what the hell is going on.

This One's For You, Utah

2009-05-24T09:47:00.002-06:00

I'm Barry F'ing Gibb!

Also, here's the new one from Andy Samberg and JT. Not as good as "Dick in a Box," (which they actually admit during the song), but still pretty dec:

Stay of Execution

2009-05-18T07:54:00.003-06:00

I watch a lot of television shows, and much of what I watch tends to be quirky, serialized sci fi/fantasy with low ratings and cult status. As a result, most tend to be on the chopping block when the networks have to make their renew or cancel decisions. Shows like Angel, Veronica Mars, and Wonderfalls all got the axe while I was watching; I wasn't part of Firefly when it was on the air, but that was another travesty that happened to a show I now love. There are many other shows I watched when they started that all got cancelled, so many I can't even remember their names. Spring is nice, but it is also where my shows go to die.

This year appeared headed for a fate worse than most. The number of shows I watch regularly increased significantly this year, even after I gave up on Heroes for good. Some shows were pretty popular and were guaranteed renewals (Lost, The Office, and to a lesser extent, 30 Rock), so I knew about those in advance. I just started watching Supernatural, and that got an early renewal notice as well. Good news on those fronts.

But there are several others I feared for dead: Dollhouse, Joss Whedon's struggling but promising new show on FOX, Castle, the new ABC mystery/crime show starring Nathan Fillion (Mal) which I really really enjoyed, Reaper, the CW's fairly entertaining Kevin Smith-style comedy/fantasy show, and Chuck, NBC's wildly entertaining spy comedy show. The news was grim for most, made all the more frustrating by the fact that Heroes got an early renewal notice. No accounting for horrible, horrible taste, I guess.

But here we are at the zero hour, and the news is incredibly good.

Chuck got renewed!

Castle got renewed!

Even Dollhouse got renewed!

Still waiting for word on Reaper. I had heard this was dead in the water for a long time, but now there may even be hope on that front.

Quite a relief...

The Great Debate

2009-05-10T13:05:00.003-06:00

Thanks to PH for forwarding this. Witness the greatest theological debate of our times, as played out on signs at two opposing churches:

http://evilbeetgossip.film.com/2009/05/05/just-because-21/

Why Did the Turtle Cross the Road? UPDATED

2009-05-07T13:16:00.004-06:00

Word of advice - don't believe everything you read. Contrary to Ismael's tweeting earlier in the day, I did not kill a turtle. I ran over a turtle, but I didn't kill it. This was the scene - We were on our way into Portage, driving down Highway 33. I saw what looked like a rock in the road. It was big, kinda grayish. But I thought I could drive over it without a problem. So I did. Except, right when I got within a foot of the thing, I learned it was a turtle. A frickin' giant-ass turtle at that. A moment later, I was over it. The car definitely scraped a long the turtle. But it wasn't dead. In fact, I looked in the rearview, and noticed that the turtle was still walking around afterward. It was probably shitting itself, certainly. But not dead.

But now we have an answer to an age-old question:

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get the fuck out of Portage. For realz.

UPDATE: 2 hours later, on the drive back, we saw the turtle. It was now clearly dead. Lying on its back on the side of the road, guts ripped out. I swear, I didn't do it.

The Whirlwind

2009-05-03T12:05:00.003-06:00

Ever have that feeling where you've suddenly stepped into some alternate reality, where everything that happens is surreal and awesome? We had one of those moments about an hour ago. PH and I had just left the mall, where we had purchased some clothing, a new suit, and a couple of frothy beverages. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and the air was warm and pleasant. We had walked there, and we started walking back. We walked along the parking lot behind JC Penneys, just passing the Chilis, and contemplating how to spend the rest of the beautiful day.

Just then, the wind picked up. Soon it became difficult to walk or speak. Debris battered us like stinging hail. For a moment, I seriously considered trying to duck and cover, it was so ridiculous. But we kept going, past the area behind the Boston Store where the cars were parked, into the barren wasteland of a parking lot As we marveled at the force of the wind, a shopping cart appeared across the lot, moving of its own accord. It raced toward us as though by jet propulsion. It had apparently escaped the Cub Foods area, and was on a mission to destroy. First it was just bizarre, then it was a little scary, as it was seriously moving toward us. Then its trajectory carried it past us, and it was hilarious. But then we realized it was heading for the rows of parked cars, and it had a serious head of steam going.

Making a snap decision, I dropped my new suit bag on the ground and chased after the cart. I only had sandles on, making it a little difficult to run, but I sprinted after it and began gaining ground. But the cart was still about fifty feet ahead, with about fifty feet before it would smash into the side of a car. I put the burners on and snagged that sucker about fifteen feet short of hitting the car.

After taking a moment to process, I walked the car back towards PH, who by now was laughing gregariously at the absurdity of it all. I couldn't help but join her. Strangely, the wind had all but disappeared by then. And although it reared its head again later during the walk back, it remained pretty still as we marched the intrepid shopping cart back to the Cub cart corrals.

Now we're just left with questions. Mainly, WTF? Also, was what I did heroic? Well, it depends on what you...yes, of course it was. In fact, it was a lot like Xander Cage chasing down Ahab and plunging it into the river, except I didn't deploy my harpoon. It was one of those defining moments that comes along once in a decade or so, and you have to decide for yourself whether to let the magically speeding shopping cart go and put a sizeable dent in someone's car, or whether you have to chase it down and corral that motherfucker. I chose the latter.

Someday, you may have to choose for yourself.

Act of Contrition

2009-04-09T11:53:00.004-06:00

I'm willing to admit when I've been wrong. Previously, I scoffed at the idea of seeing the movie Knowing. Now, having seen it, I apologize to all of my friends who knew better. Most of all, I apologize to Nicolas Cage for ever doubting him. Let me break it down like this:

If you want to see a good movie, do not see Knowing.

If you want to see a great movie, absolutely do not see Knowing.

If, however, you want to see an AMAZING movie, then this is the movie for you. Where does the awesomeness start, you ask? Sure, it's got Nic Cage's ridiculous over-acting. (Witness him bashing a baseball bat against a tree and shouting, "You want a piece of this?" at the aliens. Then try not to die laughing.) But that's just the tip of the good-ass iceberg. You want flaming elk? You got it. How about alien angels? Done. Nic Cage running around looking bewildered? Hell yeah there is. But what about math, you ask? Believe me, there's math. There's shitloads of math.

What more do you need?

Another Way to Ride Dirty

2009-04-05T16:16:00.004-06:00

Ever heard the song "Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson? It's that same type of pleasant little acoustic rock song that gets so much play these days on the pop stations, the type that I just can't stand. At first glance, it's all about love and faith, presented in a syrupy sweet package of earnestness. At second glance, however, it's about something quite different. At least I think so, anyway. I'm going to post some lyrics, you tell me if you agree:

"Come on get higher
loosen my lips
faith and desire
and the swing of your hips
just pull me down hard
and drown me in love

I feel the pull of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils and god when you come on
hold on...

come on get higher
loosen my lips
faith and desire
and the swing of your hips
just pull me down hard
and drown me in love

come on get higher
loosen my lips
faith and desire
and the swing of your hips
just pull me down hard
and drown me
drown me in love

it's all wrong
it's all wrong
it's all wrong, its so right."

Okay, now take another look, and try to tell me this song's not about cunnilingus.

Because it totally is.

Ultimate My Ass

2009-04-03T16:53:00.003-06:00

I'm sure you've all noticed a changing landscape regarding the sizing/labelling of products over the past 5 years or so. Like fast food chains that dropped the term "small," and now they have large, extra large, and colon-buster. I can understand that, as this is America, dammit, and we don't want no small nothin'. Then there's Starbucks, with sizes tall, grande, and venti. Of course, "tall" actually refers to small, and "grande" is medium. Same concept, only trendier, I guess.

But how about labels that just don't make sense? Today I stopped at a gas station/car wash. There were four different levels of car-washing I could choose from. From lowest quality wash to highest, those levels were labelled as follows:

1. Deluxe Wash
2. Ultimate Wash
3. Triple Wash
4. Extreme Wash

So here's the deal. You want to start with "deluxe" rather than "basic" or the like? I understand that. Deluxe just sounds better, and that's the point. But from deluxe, you move up to "ultimate." Here's where it gets problemmatic. How can something described as "ultimate" be only third best? Did the people who designed this system not know what "ultimate" means? Try the following: not to be improved upon or surpassed; greatest; unsurpassed. In other words, they are claiming to improve upon something that they also imply cannot possibly be improved upon. How, you ask? Do it a third time. Seems like if something has already been done perfectly, doing it a third time does nothing. The law of diminishing returns has to come into play.

And don't even get me started on "extreme." Maybe whoever designed this was just a fan of Harold and Kumar. Still, as a wise man once said, "read a book, nigga."

The Finer Things

2009-03-25T11:04:00.002-06:00

Today I've taken a moment to reflect on one of the best parts of my move to Madison a few years back. There are several, of course, not the least of which are (1) my fiancee, (2) my friends, and (3) my job. Next on that list may have to be food. Now, this is not to say that before coming to Madison, I did not eat food. Some may claim that I didn't eat "real" food -- i.e. that I ate only fast food, junk food, and packaged food. This is largely true, though I did grow up with home-cooked meals and parents who tried desperately to get me to eat vegetables. But that's really not the point either. Nor is the point that after coming here, I branched out from the All-American diet to eat a wide(r) variety of foods, such as sushi, Indian food, Tex-Mex food, gyros, and (all thanks to Mr. Utah) cheap Chinese food. And even the occasional salad.

The real point I'm trying to make is that before coming here, I didn't know the correct way to enjoy the foods I liked. And I'll thank my friends for setting me straight on these. Here are some expamples of what I'm talking about:

Steak - Before I came here, I didn't give much regard to how a steak was cooked. Steak was steak, and always welcome unless it was rare. I assumed rare was gross, based primarily on the common hyperboles (serve it bloody; knock its horns off, wipe its ass, put it down on my plate, etc.). I believed that A-1 was a necessity to really enjoy steak. But now I know better. Now I know well done doesn't translate to done better. In fact, I know that any steak cooked beyond medium rare may as well be a blackened lump of shit. And I know that steak sauce, while tasty, is never necessary unless you're eating a terrible steak. And if it's that bad, what's the point?

Ranch - Back in Oshkosh, ranch was just a dressing. Here, it's the wonder condiment. Got a burger and fries, but no ketchup? Dip 'em in ranch. Got a pizza that's perfectly fine on its own? Dip it in ranch. Now it tastes twice as good. Got a mystery meat that's been in the fridge for an untold number of months, and no money for other food? Dip that fucker in ranch. Now it's gourmet. I cringe when I think of how many times I'd be stuck at home with a fridge full of food and a bottle of ranch, but never thought to start picking things at random and seeing what happened rather than resorting to another box of mac and cheese. Or at least, never having slathered the mac and cheese in ranch. Now that's an idea...

Which brings me to the main event -

Cheese - Before law school, my world involved four kinds of cheese: cheddar (yellow cheese), mozarella (white cheese), parmesan in a shaker (ground cheese), and cheese curds (yellow or white). I knew there were other cheeses out there, but they were so strange and foreign, I never really strayed from the big 4. And why bother? Yellow cheese went with everything. It was mild and pleasant and worked with 95% of my cheese cravings. Mozarella was strictly for pizzas, and parmesan was to only supplement the mozarella. Cheese curds were strange and exotic, a luxury item my parents brought back on occasion. I had tried others, of course. Blue cheese was gross. Sharp cheddar tasted funny. Anything else was just a minor variation on yellow cheese. So no need to venture elsewhere.

Then I came here and saw the light. People swore by sharp cheddar, so I gave it another shot. Turns out, it was just like the yellow cheese, only you could actually taste it. And it was damn good. Also, there's an actual block of cheese called parmesan. It doesn't just come in a shaker. And the cheese block is a billion times better. Blue cheese is like a flavor injection for steaks, burgers, and wings. Plus, all the other cheeses have their place for different occasions. Now, one of my favorite past times is hitting up the local Brennans and sampling 10-20 different cheese and cracker combinations.

And that's the real point - if I had never come here, I may have lived my whole life without discovering these things. So I just wanted to say thanks to all my friends and the wisdom they've imparted. Here's hoping I can return the favor some day.

Right...

2009-03-14T09:47:00.001-06:00

Quote of the day:

My fiancee, trying to sell me on seeing the new Nicolas Cage move:

"It's going to be like National Treasure, but with more math."

Truthiness

2009-03-09T18:22:00.002-06:00

Just caught the Colbert Report from March 5th. In case you missed it, the Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger section was brilliant. Here Colbert applauds Rush Limbaugh for re-writing the Constitution, then scolds Sean Hannity for whatever theoretical comment Hannity must have made to lead Hannity to begin praising all things Rush. Colbert then divines what that theoretical comment must have been, and it's a doozy. Watch below.

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Tip/Wag - Rush Limbaugh

Colbert Report Full Episodes
Political Humor

Joke of the Day

Or, if you don't have the patience for that, here it is:

"I mean to warrant obsequious crack-licking like that, he must have said something terrible," theorized Colbert of Hannity's praise. "I mean -- something like the vacuum in Republican leadership has allowed a mean-spirited, lard-assed talk radio host to become the de facto leader which is turning an already crippled party into a bickering laughingstock."

Quote of the Day

2009-03-05T09:24:00.002-06:00

"But in America, if you want to spend some time with the ladies, you gotta show 'em some sausage."

Dave, Flight of the Conchords

...And We're Back!

2009-02-25T08:24:00.002-06:00

In case you haven't heard, I got my data back thanks to a $15 part and a simple "chkdsk" command. So my book is back, and the bazillion hours I've spent on it have not been for naught.

Also, I have this to say for the Geek Squad: Although I appreciate your efforts, it really would have been considerate of you to GO FUCK YOURSELVES, YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS FUCKS!

That's all I have to say about that.

*It comes to my attention that "I'm on a Boat" starts playing every time someone loads this page. I can change that so it doesn't happen, if people want.

*On second thought, I don't care.

Crashed

2009-02-18T20:32:00.003-06:00

Sometimes things fall apart. Or so I've been told, at any rate. I won't even begin to talk about my life being hard, because it's not. My life is a breeze. Bad things rarely happen. But when they do happen, they tend to cluster. Like last Friday night. My laptop crashed on Wednesday, to the point where it said there was no operating system. Against my better judgment, I took it to the Geek Squad at Best Buy to get it fixed. I requested the data back-up for $100 because, like I complete dolt, I hadn't backed up my book in awhile. Months, in fact. But, no biggie, I'd just pay my money and get my shit back. Right?

I should have known better. Friday I went to pick up my data. I've already had issues with getting data back from them in one piece, and I was ready for more shenigans this time. However, I was not ready for them to tell me they couldn't get my data, that it was corrupted.

My gut instinct was absolute panic. If I can't get my data back, I will have lost about 8 chapters worth of revisions, which equals about 100 pages, or about 80 hours worth of work. I will essentially be back at sqaure one on my second draft. It's my fault for not backing it up regularly, but for realz - I was ready to tear skulls from bodies when that guy said my data was corrupted. So I calmly left the store, got back in my car, and screamed until my throat was hoarse.

I basically sped out of the parking lot, and immediately realized that driving while enraged was a bad idea (especially considering how driving in general can be a bad idea for me). So I took a deep breath, slowed down, put my seat belt on, and started driving cautiously.....

And then promptly got into a car accident.

Not even my fault, if you can imagine that. Some chick totally pulled out in front of me and another car, trying to pull a left turn right in front of us. We both slammed on our brakes, but I did it a little too late. The only real damage was to my bumper, no injuries, so no big deal. But not a good experience. And not a good night

Anyway, the dust has cleared a bit. I may yet get my data back. My car will be fixed by the girl's insurance. I will someday have my revenge on Best Buy.

Moral of the story? If I had to pick one, I'd say that if something's important to you, make sure to keep it safe.

If I had to pick two, I'd add that you should never trust the fucking Geek Squad.

I Totally F***ed a Mermaid!

2009-02-09T20:34:00.009-06:00

The "Dick in a Box" guys have done it again. Enjoy.

UPDATE - had to remove it. Couldn't hear Colbert.

Party Til OLR Shuts Us Down

2009-02-08T08:08:00.003-06:00

I miss show business. It took me watching a high school show choir competition to realize it, but I really miss the lights and the stage and the crowds. I miss costumes and characters and making audiences laugh. I'm sick of being the 14-year old lawyer who doesn't talk much and works with the funny Mexican guy. I wanna be a star again.

So here's what I propose: for all of you who miss it too, join me. We'll do Law Revue: the Professional Years. We find a stage somewhere, grab a few props, and take aim at the practice of law. Instead of professors and students we'll mock judges and other attorneys. Your most clueless judge? Toast. Your most loathed DA? Toast. And let's not forget, the greatest source of legal comedy, clients. Glorious, glorious clients. We change the names to protect the incredibly guilty and incredibly dickish alike, and then we roll.

Sure, we'll be disbarred if anybody actually comes to watch us. But that's bound to happen anyway, right? Why not go down in a blaze of comic glory? Think of it as the "swallowing nitroglycerine" approach to picking up women. If we're going to fail, why not fail to the extreme?

No seriously, this could totally work. Who's with me?

Once Again, It's On!

2009-01-31T16:11:00.003-06:00

Shit's getting real for real on Battlestar Galactica once again. After a long hiatus, it finally came back a couple weeks ago to start it's final 10 episodes, which promised to be re-fucking-diculous. The first episode back was a bit maudlin, which was to be expected given how the last half-season ended, but still solid. The second epsiode was surprisingly blah, not really all that promising for how explosive the end of this series was supposed to be. But apparently the point of that episode was just to arrange the pieces for this last episode, which was fucking awesome. Probably one of the most exciting episodes of the series, and the best part - it's only the start of what's to come.

This is why I have difficulty answering what the best TV show ever was - I can't until I see how this show ends.

Tool Academy

2009-01-13T20:43:00.003-06:00

I have never been a fan of reality television. Primarily because it just exposes the lowest common denominator of humanity. Generally just hearing the premise of the shows is enough to make me want to hurl. Also, I can't stand these shows because networks have chosen to inundate the airwaves with this schlock over scripted programs because reality shows are cheaper and easier to make. As a result, many quality television shows get axed in favor of fucking drivel. Plus, as I'm sure you all know, I have a general aversion to reality.

So as a general rule, I don't watch reality tv. Ever. But today I had to break that rule. VH1 has a new show called "Tool Academy," bringing together some of the douchiest douchebags this side of, well, the earth. Cockbags with handles like "Matsuflex" and "Mega" preen and pose and pontificate on their awesomeness, believing they are competing in a contest called "Mr. Awesome." Turns out they are being watched by their long-suffering girlfriends in a contest to see if any of them can stop being tools. Each week, the biggest remaining toolkit gets the boot. It's actually kind of...well, terrible. But as far as guilty pleasures go, it was fun to watch, and made me feel pretty good about myself.

The King of Cake is Dead

2009-01-11T18:54:00.004-06:00

Have you ever been to a bridal expo? Unless you have a vagina, probably not. Bridal expos basically contain an endless series of booths presenting brides-to-be with possible caterers, photographers, invitation makers, dress makers, cake makers, reception halls, DJs, travel agencies, and anything and everything else wedding-related. And if you don't know, weddings are fucking expensive, so the people running the expos throw in drawings and raffles for free stuff at every stop, and then watch the crowds descend in droves.

Admittedly, I am not the manliest man that ever manned up to the world. I don't hunt, I don't drive a pickup, and I don't know the way to the gun show. However, that doesn't mean that I'm personally equipped with female genitalia. Nor do I have any interest in the general wedding planning business. I certainly care what my own wedding will look like, and I am more than willing to provide my input on things, and generally provide whatever help my bride-to-be would like.

Accordingly, being the supportive (and financially wanting) groom-to-be that I am, I agreed to accompany pH to a bridal expo this morning. I will say this - it wasn't horrifying. In fact, as an avid lover of cake and once-dubbed "King of Cake," I was dazzled by the bountiful cake samples available. So I went a little nuts. I sampled cake after cake after cake. And maybe I'm just off my game, but I started to get a little sick. I sampled cakes from the first 4-5 places or so. Then I started to get a lot sick. But the cake makers, they did not stop. At first, I began averting my eyes. Then I had to start running away. The King of Cake could handle no more.

So in the end, the worst part for me wasn't the endless weddingocity of it all.

It was the shame.

The King of Cake is dead. Long live the king.

Bigger and Better

2009-01-01T13:11:00.002-06:00

I'm not usually one to make New Year's resolutions, but this year I feel compelled. 2008 was a fantastic year for me. Well, every year has pretty much been fantastic for me, but this year especially. In order of magnitude, my biggest achievements for this past year:

1. Getting engaged
2. Starting a law firm
3. Completing the 1st draft of my novel

All big, all momentous. But life is all about moving onward and upward, right? So, here are my New Year's resolutions for 2009:

1. Get married
2. Start ANOTHER law firm
3. Complete the 2nd draft of my novel
And oh, what the hell...
4. Become a millionaire by August

Whatever happens, this promises to be another great year.

I Hate Crappy Weather, Except When it Totally Works in My Favor

2008-12-24T23:31:00.004-06:00

I hate snow. I hate snow so bad I'd like to spend an afternoon taking every single snowflake in existence and stabbing it with a trident. It makes driving, one of my favorite pasttimes, a complete hassle. Moreover, driving is such a necessity for me - I drive everywhere, all the time, and when it snows, driving becomes nearly impossible for me. My car literally can't make it up a small, unplowed incline. When I sit at a poorly plowed intersection, I can't just accelerate into my lane. I sit there and spin my wheels, then realize I have to wait for the next round of cars to pass before I can go. 10 minute drives become 30 minute drives, and 30 minute drives become fuckin' eternity. I hate snow.

So I was supposed to do some work today, then grab PH and jump in the car and drive 3 hours through the stupid snow to go to Aurora, Illinois to see PH's family for Christmas Eve. Of course, 3 hours in the snow would become 4 hours pretty quickly, and my patience would run out probably 15 minutes into the drive, and that would be that. Instead, since the stupid snow made even attempting the drive a near impossibility, I got to spend the day doing a little final Christmas shopping, buying myself some comic books, working on the 2nd draft of my book, having dinner with PH at our apartment, watching 5 episodes of 30 Rock on dvd, drinking wine, exchanging presents, eating ice cream, and NOT having to drive 4 hours through the snow.

No offense whatsoever to PH's family, because I would have loved to see them. But still.

God, I love the snow.

Quote of the Day

2008-12-12T12:36:00.001-06:00

"But really, I'm fed up with the entire warlock community bitching about how fucked we are right now."

Tarknin: the New Quidditch

2008-12-12T11:03:00.002-06:00

I had many dreams last night, some frustrating, some resulting in my death, some just oddly amusing. But there was one that was completely badass. Allow me to present the next great American past time:

Tarknin.

Tarknin is essentially a cross between hockey and lumberjacking. There is a circular arena with three teams and three large goals. There are no goalies. There are also no balls or pucks of any kind. No, Tarknin uses timber. I'm talking actual tree logs, varying in size. There are several logs on the arena at any given time. Each player has a staff or other object, and we use these staffs to corral the logs and propel them towards the goal. Every goal is worth two points.

In my dream, I got to play this game with and against friends for maybe ten minutes, and let me tell you, it was fan-fucking-tastic. And not just because I scored, launching a fifteen foot log across the arena and into our goal. The whole thing was just plain fun.

And more than that, after the game we all devised a sort of program for our Tarknin league. And when I say "we," I pretty much mean Mr. Utah designed the program. Accordingly, each player had a picture in the guide resembling themselves in the style of a World of Warcraft character. We each had badass nicknames, and some of us were depicted riding three of the four horses of the apocalypse. Only, one of them was a actually flaming orange firebear named "Hell."

Bottom line: football is for pussies.

Health Food

2008-11-29T19:55:00.003-06:00

Made the trip back to O-Town for Thanksgiving with my family. I've got a pretty small family, and many of them are in Florida this time of year, but there were more relatives in attendance than I had expected. That was a pleasant surprise.

My favorite part of Thanksgiving with my family may have been baking cookies. Dad had the great idea of having me, the fiancee, and my parents spend a couple hours after dinner making Christmas cookies. It was a nice activity, good chance to talk about wedding plans and everything else. But the cookies themselves left a bit to be desired. Being an avid cookie dough fiend, I sampled a little piece during the construction, and detected a distinct lack of sweetness. Now, I'm also a raging sugarholic, so lack of sugar to me is a pretty meaningless concept. So I didn't mention it to my parents, and continued on with the rolling and cutting. The dough was being a bit problemmatic in that regard, but eventually we got several trays of cookies done and into the oven.

But then the cookies came out of the oven, and one got eaten. Turns out I was right. Not a single cookie had even a smidge of sugar. Even slathering them with radioactive frosting couldn't save them.

Ultimately the entire batch made its way into the garbage. Only the frosting survived.

So you learn something new every day. I, for instance, now know how to make sugar-free Christmas cookies.

Acts of War

2008-11-24T18:26:00.005-06:00

Just when you thought the ceaseless, seemingly never-ending cycle of war and violence was about to end, Axl Rose comes along and launches an all-out assault on China.

The blame lies with all of us, really. The signs were all there, but we just too naive. I mean, the reports have been coming out for over seventeen years. Everyone said Axl Rose was working on something devastating, and China would be the target. I, for one, didn't believe it. I thought it was a myth. He had been underground for so long. Every once in awhile, a new report of progress came out. I figured he was just blustering, like all those other world powers who retire and fade into the sunset, but fire off some jingoistic comments every now and then to keep their rep alive. Axl Rose didn't have that kind of power anymore, I was sure of it.

Boy, was I wrong. Out of nowhere, Axl finally launched "Chinese Democracy." And the effects have been devastating. China has denounced it has a "venemous attack," claiming that Guns 'N Roses had "turned its spear point on China," and that this was part of a plot to "grasp and control the world."

As of 7:00 eastern standard time, nearly 45 million Chinese have been killed and another 760 million wounded as a result of this shameless and unprovoked attack.

Return of a Classic

2008-11-16T11:51:00.002-06:00

Saturday Night Live has always been one of my favorite television shows. As I've mentioned, the show inspired me to spend endless hours of high school and undergrad writing, acting and producing my own amateur version of SNL with my friends, and eventually go on to do the same in the Law Revue show at law school. The show has been on since the mid-70's and the quality has always varied dramatically from year to year, even episode to episode. Every once in awhile, a new cast of new up-and-coming comedians breathed fresh life into the show. Inevitably those stars left for bigger and better things, and the show stagnated. For every John Belushi and Chris Farley and Will Ferrell there was an Anthony Michael Hall and Chris Elliott and Chris Kattan. And since the depatures of Ferrell and Tina Fey, the show's ebb and flow has pretty much just ebbed.

However, I'm extremely pleased to say that the past couple of seasons have brought a bit of a renaissance, with fresh actors, fresh writing, and genuinely funny sketches. Sure, the 2008 election was a huge boon to the show, as Fey returned to do a viciously funny Sarah Palin, and the other actors playing the major political players (Hillary, McCain, Obama, and Biden) were all pretty spot-on. The joint press conference with Palin and Hillary, where Palin aw-shucksed her way into the contention for the white house, while Hillary practically frothed at the mouth over her oblivious counterpart taking her spotlight, was particularly hilarious.

But it's more than that. Not only have the political sketches been sparking lately, but the rest of the sketches have been pretty damn funny too. For instance, Christopher Walken's latest appearance provided a slew of quality sketches, including the gardener who was very scared of plants, as well as the Walken family reunion. The cast, though comprised of relatively unknowns, is pretty well-rounded with funny performers. Jason Sudekis, Bill Hader (a key player in the Judd Apatow comedies), Kristen Wiig, and Will Forte have all made great additions to the cast. The latest episode (first one post-election) was hosted by Paul Rudd, and the results were still pretty funny. With this type of format, there's always going to be a few great sketches, a few terrible sketches, and the majority in the middle as hit-or-miss. But even those hit-or-miss sketches have been more hit than miss lately.

Among my favorites -

Kristen Wiig's "Judy Grimes" travel-writer character who appears on Weekend Update, who speaks in a nervous, rapid-fire way, repeatedly adding "just kidding" to every statement, which ends up being a lot funnier than it sounds.

Beyonce attempts to shoot a music video to "Single Girls," but is extremely creeped out by her new back-up dancers, played by Justin Timberlake, Andy Samberg, and Bobby Moynihan - three dudes (obviously) wearing little black dresses and high heels.

An untitled series of sketches with four guys who reminisce about an old song, then talk about how it reminds them of some absurdly perverse memory, then they all go on singing as though it's perfectly normal. My favorite exchange:

Will: Well... I'll tell you who this song reminds me of.
Amie: Amie!
Bill: No -- Courtney.
Buddies: Aw, come on!
Bill: Did you finally ask her out?
Will: I did. I remember this song was playing that night. and I finally worked up the nerve to talk to her, and she just stonewalled me. And I said, "What's wrong?" and she said she could never go out with me. I asked why, and she said, "I found out you're a pedophile." And I was, like, "A pedophile? A pedophile?! That's a pretty big word for a ten year-old!"

Who knows how long the upswing will last, of course, but for now I'm digging me some SNL for the first time in a long time.

In Defense of the Thong Song

2008-11-14T11:38:00.003-06:00

I've got a bone to pick with Charlie's Worst Song in the World competition. The competition pitted Tiny Tim's "Tiptoe through the Tulips" against Sisqo's "Thong Song," for the unenviable title of worst song ever. The link I provided has clips for each to help you decide. I can't find any information on this competition, other than these two songs squared off for #1 in terms of pure audio feces. I don't know if there were other songs in competition and these two made it to the finals, or if the station took a poll, or if someone just picked these two.

Whatever their methods, it appears that "Tiptoe" has pulled into a commanding lead, 67-33. Rightfully so, in my opinion. After listening to that song for the first time, I had to shut it off almost immediately because I could feel my internal organs on the verge of shredding themselves in protest. I literally felt nauseous for the next 10 minutes. I don't think I've ever had such a strong physical reaction to music before. I've read a series of fantasy books where a composer stumbled upon music that could be arranged in a way so as to kill all of the listeners, and I'm pretty sure that was based on this song.

By contrast, and I know I'll draw some heat for this, but "Thong Song" doesn't even remotely qualify as the worst song ever. Sure, the topic is ridiculous and banal. Sure the lyrics are simplistic and repetitive. I'll be the first to admit, "Dumps like a truck, truck, truck, Thighs like what, what, what" is straight up fucking retarded. And yes, the overall result is annoying beyond reproach, especially considering how overplayed it was for a dark period in history.

But I believe it has at least some positive attributes, which is more than can be said for songs like "Tulips" and a few others that come to mind. For example, strip away all of the lyrics and singing, and the song has a decent Timbaland-esque arrangement to it. In particular, I can appreciate the use of the violin melody, because at least it is a break from some of the painfully monotonous and uninspired beats that plagues modern R&B and hip hop. Most of the shit today has little more than a drum beat and a terrible rapper and/or singer. This has a flippin' violin. I have to give props for that.

Also, Sisqo has some pipes. Forgot the drivel that he's saying for a moment, listen to his voice. Especially compared to today's flavor-of-the-month R&B singers. You'll notice a stark difference: he doesn't sound like a robot chipmunk (I'm looking at you, T-Pain and Ne-Yo. For a related note, see this amusing video about the relationship between T-Pain and his vocoder.) Sisqo actually sounds like a person when he sings. More than that, he's a good-ass singer.

Well...that about exhausts the list of positive attributes for this song. Still, it's way out of the "Tulips" league, and definitely not the 2nd worst song ever.

No, my friends, the 2nd worst song ever is Federline's ode to d-baggery, "Popozao." This transcends even the "awesomely bad" label (see "Ice Ice Baby" or "Rock Lobster") and moves straight into terribly, horribly, atrociously bad territory.

Still, it's no "Tip Toe through the Tulips," and that's saying a lot.

NOANSWERS

2008-11-01T08:30:00.003-06:00

As I was telling Ismael the other day, I really think the slogan "NOBAMA" is pretty much the quintessence of the McCain campaign, and a good indication of why he will and should lose the election. I've been following the election pretty closely, from the primaries to the conventions to the final weeks. I've seen countless advertisements, read hundreds of articles and polls, and watched all the debates (except the VP debate, since only one side chose to engage in actual debate). Having witnessed all of this, "NOBAMA" is the best that McCain can come up with to answer the question of why he should be president. And I think that's pretty sad.

Some amount of negative campaigning is always to be expected at this level. Some of the attacks are bound to be nasty and personal. The campaigns, and the candidates in particular, can't always be held at fault for the things that get said. But to a greater extent, campaigns should be about why one candidate should be elected, and not why the other candidate shouldn't. Before you can start tearing down your opponent, you need a clear, resounding answer to why you should be president. McCain started that way, touting his experience, and rightfully so. The man has undeniably impressive credentials.

But as soon as Obama began his meteoric rise on the winds of "Change," suddenly McCain co-opted the theme, and proclaimed himself the candidate of change. Okay, that's a little murkier, considering McCain largely supports the same agenda as Bush did. But McCain does have some notable policy differences from Bush the Lesser, so voters could let that one slide. The title of "Maverick" was well-earned over McCain's many years in public service, so I was willing to cut him a little slack on that, despite his recent forays into far-right rather than center-right. The man's got to appeal to his base, so some of that was to be expected.

And at first glance, the selection of Palin as his running mate seemed to bolster that idea pretty handily. If there is one thing she's accomplished in her short career in public service (there is -- I've counted. Exactly one thing, in fact...), then it's bucking the establishment. Of course, calling them "The Original Mavericks" was a pretty ridiculous stretch, considering Maverick from Top Gun was around a hell of a lot longer than Palin, but whatever. All in all, McCain made a pretty successful attempt at taking the change mantle from his opponent.

Then reality set in. Palin proved to be grossly underqualified. McCain's (new) true colors began to bleed through, particularly in the debates. While Obama began to convince independants that he had the chops and the knowledge necessary to be commander-in-chief, McCain did little to distinguish himself from Bush. Truth be told, other than McCain's respect for the constitution, there weren't many.

And over the past month, the campaign has shifted toward a ratification of Obama rather than a choice between two equally adept candidates. The question has become whether Obama is ready rather than who would make a better president. And since Obama's performance has been uniformly steady if not spectacular, McCain can't win like that.

Since he can't rise above Obama, he's got to try to tear him down with fear tactics. Ooh look - he's got questionable associations. He knows a guy who was a domestic terrorist thirty years ago. He must be a terrorist too. He went to a church where the pastor recently made some pretty incendiary anti-America remarks. He must feel the same way. His middle name is "Hussein," just like that dictator from Iraq. He must be a Muslim extremist.

Or the McCain supporters will just ridicule Obama's accomplishments. The mocking comments by Guliani and Palin regarding Obama's past as a community organizer were breathtakingly disrespectful, not just to Obama but to the thousands and thousands of Americans who hold similar positions and try to make positive differences in their communities. It's a sad day when major political candidates go on national TV and mock the public service efforts of their opponents. Notice that after Palin's blithely idiotic remarks, you didn't see anyone close to Biden or Obama getting up and mocking Palin for being mayor of a town of 8 people and governer of a state with 12 people. The comedy shows in the tank for Obama may have done that, but certainly not the candidate or any public servants that support him.

So when I'm driving around and see signs that say "NOBAMA," I'm both saddened at what the McCain campaign has devolved into, and heartened by the fact that none of these attacks are working. And well they shouldn't. McCain's campaign has effectively limited him to being the "not Obama" candidate. That's a bit like being "anyone but Bush," a phrase I heard a lot from democrats during the 2004 campaign. Unfortunately for McCain, that strategy doesn't work when your opponent is actually popular, much less wildly popular as Obama has become.

So go on, keep telling us about how you're not Obama. That just underscores why most of the country won't be voting for you.

Look Up at the Sky - Not a Bird, Not a Plane, It's...Ew.

2008-10-29T21:01:00.005-06:00

Picture this, if you will. You're hard at work studying, with your nose buried in a book, and your mind on the upcoming exam. Completely oblivious to the world around you, you suddenly realize that something just touched your hand. You didn't see where it came from -- there's no one around. It's not a fly or a bug. Instead, when you look at your hand, you see a little drop of liquid. It's not raining or snowing -- you're indoors. You can't imagine where there would be water coming from. But it looks transparent like water. Not completely transparent, though. There's just a hint of white. Almost a creamy...

Oh shit.

A sinking feeling hits you. It can't be...

That's right. You just got phantom splooged.

What's hysterical about this is that the facility manager says they've had a history of such behavior and they're worried about a resurgence. Really? You've got a history of mischievious people on the upper floors shooting their wads onto unsuspecting students?

Times sure have changed since I was in school.

Implosion

2008-10-12T17:45:00.003-06:00

Apparently Wisconsin's football teams have begun their slow descent into hell. First the Packers lost to the Cowboys. Then the Badgers went up big before blowing it against Michigan. Then the Packers sucked it up against the Buccaneers. Then the Badgers blew it against Ohio State. Then the Packers blew goats against the Falcons. Then the Badgers got forcibly raped by Penn State.

What's next - the Packers get beat by 150 against Seattle? The Badgers lose to a Pop Warner football team?

Christ, guys. Pull it together.

"Don't Bring Enough Unless You're Going to Share With The Thing..."

2008-10-09T14:21:00.003-06:00

It's official. Going to see Electric Six again. Awesome.

FYI, the title of this post comes from Mr. Ismael's comment to Mr. RPM after RPM bought a ticket, but had the audacity not to purchase everyone else's tickets as well.

Make sense of it if you can...

Sometimes You Win Two

2008-10-06T18:45:00.002-06:00

Fresh off my unmitigated victory in a reconfinement hearing, last week I won my first revocation hearing ever. It was a pretty solid win for me, considering (a) the guy committed a new crime and admitted to it, (b) he had already been given a second chance (ATR) and screwed up again, (c) I didn't even have a viable alternative to revocation available, and (d) if revoked, the guy would have automatically gone back to prison for a year and a half.

Apparently I found the only ALJ who listens to reason and common sense. Also, one who buys into the "Come on..." argument.

For my next trick? Maybe I'll watch Heroes and chill for a bit.

Engage!

2008-10-05T18:33:00.002-06:00

This will undoubtedly come as a complete shock those of you who know me, but Ms. Purple Haze and I are now engaged. I produced the one ring on Thursday, October 2, and she graciously accepted.

For those of you dying to know (ie none of you), the proposal occurred at the San Diego Zoo, in front of the hippo tank. If that sounds random to you, it means a lot to us. For one thing, hippos are blood brothers with ninjas until the end of space and time. And these particular hippos live in a sweet tank, one that doesn't even leak.

Bottom line - your old pal Vice has a fiancee, and couldn't be happier. Look upon the ring at your own peril, as you may be blinded by the side diamonds.

Sometimes You Win One

2008-09-24T22:16:00.002-06:00

When I tell people I work in criminal defense, one question I often get is "How many cases have you won?" I have a hard time trying to explain that in this line of work, "winning" is a relative term. It can refer to the number of trials won, or the number of times a case has been outright dismissed - no deals, no negotiating, just a clean win. If you count just those two categories, than the answer is very, very few. Throw in the number of times I get a result that the client is happy with, the number goes up. Count the ones where I at least get a better result for the client than if they went without counsel, the number goes even higher.

Overall, however, it's a losing fight. And it should be, of course, because it's criminal defense, and the vast majority of people are guilty and don't have a defense. Still, getting to know these people, getting to understand why they do what they do, fighting for them - it's a rough business because no matter what you do, you're probably going to lose.

Nowhere is this more true than in the probation/parole revocation situation. You've got a person who has already been convicted and placed on probation, and is now accused of doing something else, so the Department of Corrections want to lock them up. The revocation context is almost impossible to deal with because these people don't get the same rights anymore. Revocation hearings are not trials. Evidence not normally admissible at trial because it would violate the client's rights is suddenly fair game. The burden of proof is much lower. The judge is not a judge, but an "administrative law judge," which is code for an attorney who doesn't like your guy and has no interest in what you have to say on your guy's behalf. I've had about 8 of these things, and I haven't won a single one.

Reconfinement hearings are even worse. This is where the probationer or parolee has already been revoked, and the only question is how long to lock them up for. They're going to jail or prison. That's it. There is no "winning" here. It's damn depressing.

So the other day I had a reconfinement hearing with a guy who I really felt for. He was on supervision, and he absconded. In other words, he completely left the state, for over a year, without telling his parole agent. Usually they take off because either (a) they broke the law and don't want to get caught, (b) they get stressed out because they don't have money because they don't get a job because...etc, etc., or (c) they got drunk/high and wandered off.

This guy, on the other hand, took off because he got shot in the head, and then he got jumped by the same people a little later. So I've got him asking me to have the judge let him out, because he took off for fear of his own life. I've got his family literally screaming at me because they don't think I'm doing my job well enough. I've got a DA and a probation agent who want to lock him up for at least another year. And the judge?

Well, the State set out its argument, the Agent gave his side of things, and then I made my argument. The judge, believe it or not, went for it. He actually agreed that absconding from supervision due to fear of getting murdered isn't the worst idea that ever happened. And he let the guy out, just like that.

Suddenly I'm the hero. Suddenly my client goes free, his family loves the shit out of me, and I actually won something.

Today I spoke to the agent on the phone, and he said "Wow, that was quite a victory for you the other day." I'm like "That's right, chump. One and counting. Slowly."

I didn't say that. But I should have.

Feels good to win once in awhile.

I'm Not A Religious Scholar, But...

2008-09-17T20:47:00.002-06:00

Someone needs to do some editing on the "Islam" page at Wikipedia. I'm fairly certain the first paragraph is not supposed to read as follows:

"Islam (Arabic: الإسلام; al-'islām (help·info); pronounFuck you Shahab is a monotheistic Abrahamic religion originating with..."

Think I'm joking? See for yourself.

Proportional Response (Updated)

2008-09-11T09:21:00.004-06:00

As avid readers of this blog (all four of you), you know I've had my share of struggles with Best Buy in the past. For example, the new-disc drive-not-attached-to-anything incident, which seemed to be resolved when they gave me a new computer, leading me to declare an armistice on today's date (9/11, interestingly enough) two years ago. Then, however, came the give-me-back-my-data-you-miserable-fuckers incident, which led to it being entirely back on, and the vicious murder of the entire east side Geek Squad.

Since then, things have settled down, for the most part. Moved out to the west side, where things are laid back, and the Geek Squad over here doesn't seem entirely cretinous. I've occasionally had issues with the new (circa fall 2006) computer Best Buy gave me, such as a malfunctioning display (which required a total hard drive wipe), a loose plug, a new power cord, and a "complete functioning stop" incident (which required a total hard drive wipe). Annoying, but again, I'm still under warranty, so at least I don't have to pay anything to get it fixed.

Most recently, my battery stopped holding a charge for more than 45 minutes. Simple enough, just have them send me a new one, right? So that's what I did. Tried it out last night. Doesn't what one would call "fit" in my computer, meaning it doesn't so much "work" as "lay there like a worthless piece of excrement." Now, this bothers me enough, because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's robots. If there are two things I can't stand, it's malfunctioning technology. I love technology - cars, phones, computers, batcycles - but I lose my shit when it stops working, because I rely so heavily on the convenience. In fact, 98% of all the yelling and 76% of all the cursing I have ever done in my life has been at broken technology. So I did a little shit flipping this morning, then cooled down, because I still have the other battery, and I can still plug it in AC (Slater)-style. Right?

Except the fucking plug wasn't working this morning, so I couldn't run it on AC power. My new battery wasn't working because it's a filthy whore. And my old battery wasn't working because - get this - I tried to charge the new and incorrectly fitting battery last night (to no avail) so my old battery decided to just hang out and die. Why not just put the old one back in and charge it? Because the FUCKING PLUG WASN'T WORKING, SO I COULDN'T CHARGE SHIT.

Take it to Best Buy. She looks, sees the plug isn't working. Says we'll have to send the computer out, it'll come back to me within 8-10 business days. I didn't kill her. I wanted to, but I didn't. I should have, of course. Because what she was leaving out was that (a) the computer would actually come back to me in 23 business days, (b) it would no longer function, and (c) once it got returned to me, I would have to send it back so they could "fix" (read: let a kid with Down's Syndrome beat on it with a hammer) it, then "rush" it back to me within "5" business days (read: 24 business days) in a slightly more functioning yet still non-functional manner.

And, oh yeah, she helpfully added that she could charge me for a data backup. Of course, if you'll recall, Best Buy only gives you your data on a disc where the files are all in .nfgh format. (For those of you not up on the current techno jive, ".nfgh" format refers to "not fucking gonna happen.") I said thanks, but (step closer and I will murder you) no thanks.

Then I thought, instead of having my computer sent out, how about Best Buy just ship me a new battery that actually fits? She said sure, they can do that. Then I realized that the new battery, if indeed it would fit (ha!), would still not be charged when it arrived. Meaning I would have to charge it using my computer and its non-functioning AC plug. Right.

Then I asked if there was any way the store could charge my flippin' crappy battery at least, so I could get my 45 minutes off of it to save some data and do some business. She's like "no, we'd have to find the exact model computer here in the store, and that's unlikely" (read: Apparently you haven't been paying attention. We don't help people here. We frustrate them. We fuck them over. We take their computers and see how many gallons of maple syrup we can pour over their motherboards before they stop functioning. If that's what you're looking for, then you've come to the right place.") So, instead of having my computer sent out and my data backed up, both never to return functioning again, I left the store enraged.

Luckily for Best Buy, I just watched the West Wing episode "A Proportional Response," where President Bartlett has to authorize his first military attack. The Syrians had shot down an American plane that was carrying doctors to a teaching hospital, one of whom was Jed's personal doctor, who just had a newborn baby girl. The President took the attack personally, initially wanting to wipe Syria off the face of the earth, but Leo and the Joint Chiefs talked him down, after a long, hard effort. Eventually, Bartlett chose a more proportional attack that didn't risk civilian casualties.

So, in an effort to be more Bartlett-esque, I have decided not to raze Best Buy from the earth. Instead, I went home and plugged in my AC adaptor. Lo and behold, I was actually able to get a charge. Seems if I don't jiggle the thing too much, I can make it work. Then I calmly dialed up Best Buy's "help" line, and had a new battery sent. The call was promising, because the girl on the phone actually wanted to know my computer's model number, so as to find a matching battery. She said that will get here in 3-5 business days. So I'll see that in a couple weeks.

Between then and now, I'll muddle through, hoping I can continue to jerryrig this power cord to keep getting a charge, and making sure all of my work and writing are backed up.

But a word of caution to the west side Best Buy - as of this moment, consider yourselves Iran. So much as look at me funny, your ass is next.

UPDATE: The new battery they sent me? The good news: unlike the last one they sent me, this actually fits into my computer. The bad news: much like the last one they sent me, it doesn't work. Apparently it is entirely charge-resistant. I left it plugged in for an entire night, then woke up and tried to use it. Nothing. When the battery was in, it wouldn't even register that the AC adaptor was plugged in. Then I switched back to my old battery, which, of course, was dead. I got that re-charged, and it worked. But the "new" one still doesn't do jack shit. Grrr...

UPDATE 2: So I've been hanging on for dear life with my old battery. It can now function without the aid of AC power for about 25 minutes.

That sound you hear is a nuclear arsenal going live. Time for a little shopping trip...

Novel

2008-09-03T10:36:00.003-06:00

After nearly two years of work, I have finally completed the first draft of a book. I had been going at a pretty good pace until this pesky job started to take off, now I have to work during my week days. But I've plugged along, and as of Monday I finished it. Though I don't know what the correct spacing and margins should be, right now the finished product is 701 pages.

As far as the contents, you've got a basic assortment of vampires, zombies, and other badassedry. As to the quality, I can't speak to that. It's not Shakespeare, it's not Hemingway, it's not Tolkien. But I like it. Then again, I liked The Chronicles of Riddick.

Now for the editing process. I don't really know what I'm going to do with it, ultimately. But I know it's only the first of a six book series. Maybe I'll try to get published. Maybe I'll just keep it for myself.

But what's important is that I've come this far, and I can finally put that bit from Family Guy out of my mind, the one where Stewie teases Brian about his alleged novel in an increasingly high-pitched voice, just to mock him:

Stewie: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? (voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off."

The End is Nigh

2008-09-01T15:20:00.004-06:00

This week's signs that the apocalypse is upon us:

- Taco Bell, and their new "Volcano Taco."

Leave it to T-Bell to start marketing a pink taco. So many jokes come to mind...brings a new meaning to playing with your food....etc, etc. Also puts a new spin on their slogans. "Thinking outside the bun," indeed. Or, a new way to "Make a run for the border." How about the old "You can munch it!" A new way to "Spice up the night." Also, when they originally came out with the phrase "Fourth meal," I thought they meant food, not vagina. But this version is better. If nothing else, should contain fewer rat droppings.

And don't even get me started on the "lava sauce."

Sign # dos:

- The following sign absolutely exists on a church in Oshkosh:

This, for those of you Wisconsinites who had forsaken believing in Jesus Christ as your lord and savior in favor of the second coming, Brett Favre. In this state, we take our churching almost as serious as our Packers.

Tha Shizknight

2008-08-15T17:31:00.004-06:00

I haven't done a comprehensive movie review in awhile. Now, however, I feel compelled, having seen the best goddamned movie ever made on two occasions. That movie, of course, is

The Dark Knight

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD.

Don't read if you haven't seen the movie yet.

(In fact, go see the movie now. I'll wait.)

Alright, so maybe not the best movie ever made. I'm not really fit to judge that, I suppose. But I can say without question that The Dark Knight has surpassed all other movies to become my favorite of all time. As someone who loves both superhero movies and morality tales, this just blew everything out of the water for me. I went into this movie with such high hopes, it was difficult trying to convince myself not to expect the greatest movie ever. And yet, this movie met every expectation I had and surpassed them all.

Admittedly, in terms of sheer quality, the Lord of the Rings trilogy is probably better. Even taken individually, each of those movies is possibly better overall. But that's about it. I'm still in love with The Matrix and The Matrix Reloaded, but this was better. And compared to any other superhero movie, there's nothing that even comes close. That's not even a slight exaggeration. After watching TDK for the first time, I re-watched Spiderman 2 again, which I had previously considered to be the best superhero movie, edging out X-Men 2. But it wasn't even close. I mean, Spiderman 2 was, and still is (in my opinion) an awesome movie, with a tremendous story arc for its titular character and spectactular action sequences. But TDK is so epic, so sprawling, so complex, it made Spiderman 2 look like a campy kids movie. It was really kind of astounding.

So what's so great about it? Well, let's start with the obvious. The action and stunts are simply spectacular. But really, any action movie can deliver that. And sure, the cinematography is amazing, particularly the wide shots of Chicago-as-Gotham. But again, any movie can have beautiful design. The acting is solid all around - Christian Bale makes a terrific Batman/Bruce Wayne, once again. Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine add tremendous class to their roles. Maggie Gyllenhall is a step up from Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes. And, of course, ...

You want to know where the movie really shines? With the villains, of course. As previously mentioned, I love me a good-ass villain. With this movie, you've got the Joker. Now, I thought the previous series of Batman movies started off pretty well with Tim Burton's Batman and Batman Returns. I particularly liked Jack Nicholson's Joker. I mean, come on. "Wait'll they get a load of me." Right? Classic. Kinda creepy, kinda menacing, pretty cool. Then you've got Heath Ledger. Seemed kind of like a strange choice to me. But his Joker? Fucking phenomenal. All the raving you've heard about his performance, it's all true. And what amazed me was how completely different his Joker was from Jack's rendition. Instead of the veritable Clown Prince of Crime, you've got a terrorist, in every sense of the word. I mean, he's fucking terrifying. And made all the more terrifying by the fact that the writers gave him no backstory, no real motivations other than to "watch the world burn." His introduction to the crime lords of Gotham is priceless. And his showdown with Batman in the police station is pretty heady stuff. The ultimate battle between Order and Chaos.

Then you've got Harvey Dent, aka "Two-Face." Now, his story seems almost a bit rushed, or tacked-on here. I, like many others, thought he was going to be set up to be the main villain of the potential third movie. And there's still a chance he'll reappear, I suppose. But here you really got to see his full transition from crusading good guy to monstrous villain. Harvey embodied the major theme of the movie - how the good and pure can become corrupted. At the outset, Harvey, commissioner Jim Gordan, and Batman form a tripartite alliance to bring down the major forces of corruption in Gotham. These three are supposed to be incorruptible. But early on, the Joker points out a major problem with Batman as part of this alliance - he works outside of the law. While he is trying to impose order, he is also a vigilante. While Batman Begins showed how sometimes extralegal measures are necessary when the forces within the justice system have themselves become corrupted, this movie partially explores the other side of that coin. To his credit, Batman realizes the problem, which becomes clear when other masked copycat vigilantes start roaming the streets with automatic weapons. As a result, Batman nearly gives up his cape to pass the mantle to Harvey, because Harvey represents the type of hero that Batman can never be.

In a way, this is similar to Spiderman 2, except that Bruce Wayne's decision to give up being Batman is made even more compelling than Peter Parker's decision to give up being Spiderman. While Peter does it for largely selfish (though completely understandable) reasons, Bruce nearly does it because of largely principled reasons, because a vigilante represents nearly the polar opposite of order, and when the justice system is functioning, there is no need for vigilantes. (Of course, his motives are partillay selfish as well, as he believes giving up the cape will allow him to be with Rachel. )

But it all falls apart when the Joker attempts to bring both Harvey and Batman down to his level. By destroying everything Harvey cares about, the Joker turns him into a monster like him. And he attempts to do the same to Batman, pushing him to his limit, trying to force him to break his own moral code. To top it off, the Joker attempts to show Batman (and humanity at large) that when the chips are down, all of them are corruptible by forcing them to chose between their own lives and the lives of others. And even after that crisis is resolved, Batman still has to pick up the pieces from Harvey's transformation to a monster.

As a result of all of this death and mayhem, many saw this movie as an entirely nihilistic tale, but they really missed the point. I mean, besides the obvious nod to the goodness of humanity when neither group decides to pull the trigger on the other, Batman's ultimate decision to let himself take the blame for all of Harvey's destruction while allowing Harvey to become sanctified really seals the deal. We are not a wholly debased species, even at the worst of times. Joker himself admits it during the climax, telling Batman "You truly are incorruptible." Harvey fell from grace; Batman did not. In the eyes of Gotham he did, but Jim Gordan knows the truth. His family knows the truth. Batman never broke his one rule, he never killed, he never became the thing he was fighting against. And in the end, he allowed himself to be seen as the villain rather than let the people of Gotham lose faith in Harvey Dent, their white knight.

TDK was not without its flaws. It really was LONG. Thought its really hard to say that anything should have been cut, the long runtime was certainly noticeable. And again, the apparent resolution to Harvey Dent's arc seemed kinda short shrift and abrupt. It fit in perfectly with the themes of the movie, but still, Aaron Eckhart's Two Face could have carried a whole movie as a villain (at least thematically....but it would have been really hard looking at that face for much longer). But part of that is Nolan's efforts to leave nothing left on the field. Too often you see stories that don't really cover much ground, part of which is to ensure more story remains to be told in the sequels. Here, you don't really need much more. I mean, this thing was fucking epic, whether you think of it as a superhero movie or a crime drama. In fact, one wonders how Nolan could ever hope to top this, if in fact he does make a sequel.

And it will be a shame if this movie doesn't get serious Oscar consideration due to its superhero nature. Because it's so much more than a superhero movie. It's my favorite superhero movie ever. It's my favorite crime drama ever. It's my favorite action movie ever. It's my favorite movie, ever. Period.

My score: A+
Recommendation: Just watch it. I dare you not to be blown away.

Ah, Maturity

2008-08-05T16:20:00.001-06:00

Called a client today, left a voicemail. His voice message proclaimed it to be the inbox for one Mr. "Howie Feltersnatch."

Call me skeptical, but I do not believe that was his actual name.

Find Out Why They Call Him "Captain Hammer"

2008-08-02T11:25:00.004-06:00

For those of you who have any interest in Joss Whedon, or Neil Patrick Harris, or Mal from Firefly/Serenity, or like comic book villains, or enjoy laughing, I strongly encourange you to check out "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog." This internet series, made by Whedon, the creator of Buffy, Angel, and Firefly, came in response to the writer's strike, and network executives who gasped at the idea of giving writers any royalties for the media they created for the internets. Remember the whole "We don't even know what the internets are, much less how anyone could possibly use them for entertainment purposes" crap they tried to pull? Well, Joss made a low-budget, relatively high quality product and made it available for FREE. So go to the link, and check it.

When you're watching, keep a look out for the Evil League of Evil, Fake Thomas Jefferson, and Captain Hammer's less-than-subtle explanation of where his title came from. Classic.

Blessed Are the Righteous

2008-07-28T10:44:00.002-06:00

For those of you who hadn't heard, there was a shooting in a Tennessee church a couple days ago. At 10:00 am, while children of the church's congregation were putting on a production of "Annie," Jim Adkisson walked in with a 12-gauge and started firing off rounds, killing two people. When asked why he did it, Adkisson cited the church's outspoken support for liberal policies, such as support for equal treatment of homosexuals, women and minoirities. In fact, Mr. Adkisson drafted a 4-page manifesto discussing how the church was a "bastion of liberalism," and how liberals had been taking jobs he should have had. Apparently, this church's socially liberal agenda entitled Mr. Adkisson to start indiscriminately killing members of its congregation.

I guess I'm just flabbergasted by the thought process that must have gone on in this man's head. So God hates gays, right? He must also hate the people who help the gays. By contrast, Mr. Adkisson is a God-fearing white man with Christian values and Christian beliefs. These people were perverting a house of God. So, as an instrument of God's wrath, it was his responsibility to execute divine justice. Right?

I just can never fathom how these people buy into their own bullshit, the ones that think they have the responsibility to kill others who believe something other than what they believe. Especially when these people call themselves Christians. I mean, am I reading the wrong book? In my book, it says, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave room for the wrath of God; for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." In my book it says, "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you."

I almost forgot. In my book, it also says, "THOU SHALT NOT KILL."

What book have you been reading?

The Verdict Is In...

2008-07-25T15:26:00.001-06:00

GUILTY.

I can't fucking believe it. Reasonable doubt my ass.

At Last

2008-06-28T09:21:00.002-06:00

Another soccer game, another injury. Vice has a tendancy to play balls-to-the-wall soccer, which usually results in a nasty new injury each week. (My right big toenail has been blue and purple for like 4 weeks now, with no signs that the shit will go away any time soon.) Well, I'm happy to report my latest injury - something fucked up my ankle, leaving me gimping around the apartment.

The plus side to all of this? I finally have an excuse to use my Dragon Cane. Bad-ass.

Facism at Home

2008-06-25T21:39:00.002-06:00

Thought I'd alert all of you unsuspecting moviegoers to a sinister plot to ruin the moviegoing experience. If you're thinking about seeing a movie at the Star Cinemas theater on PD, don't. Apparently Star has been bought out by the some unknown company with a "K" in its logo, which I assume can only be a branch of the Ministry of Love. Last night was the first time in a while that I had seen a movie at that theater, so I'm not sure exactly when this K monstrosity took over. But I can tell you about their "improvements," which seemed much akin to the UW's improvement in the transcripts department (e.g. making the transcripts $8 each rather than free, moving the registrar's office to a less convenient location, generally making them more difficult to obtain, etc.).

What improvements have the K-holes made, you ask? Well, for starters, the prices for the snacks are no longer listed with tax. So, instead of listing $6.25 for a tub of popcorn, they list $5.93, or some shit. A minor annoyance, perhaps. (Also, I believe they raised the prices. Last I recall, a large popcorn was $5.75. Maybe I'm wrong, so I'll leave that one alone.)

You want a real complaint? How about this - they will no longer give you little plastic cups for your water. Instead, they now give you conical paper cups. Flimsy, crappy paper cups that don't even fit into the cup holders! The bottoms of the cup holders have a piece of plastic that prevents the cups from sitting level. No matter how you arrange it, the cup will not sit right. So if you fill the cup, it will spill all over the floor, and onto your feet.

This, I assume, is an attempt to force people to buy the over-priced bottles of water (what do they cost now, $18 a piece?) rather than the last bastion of reasonable priced movie theater edibles - free, refreshing water. It's a complete dick move, and it made Ismael's abrupt tossing of his water cone (full of water at the time) at the garbage can and storming off a reasonable move. (Less reasonable was his later request for me to go get him another water cone.)

Further proof of the K-hole facist regime that has infiltrated Star Cinemas? They now offer only one kind of salt for your popcorn. And it's not regular salt. It's some sort of processed butter salt. What kind of horseshit is that? Butter salt isn't even the standard type of salt, so to limit our options to only that is fucktarded. Also, they no longer offer various types of flavored salts (garlic salt, ranch salt, cheddar cheese flavoring, etc) which I didn't use, but I'm sure others did. Now all we have is butter salt. Ultimately, it's still pretty good in the taste department, but that's no excuse.

Finally, and most creepily, was the admonishment that the audience receives by the movie screen just prior to the start of the film. Basically it says we needed to be on our best behavior, because there were people watching us, and would throw us out of their facist theater if we didn't obey their facist code. The crux of it was that there was a separate surveillance camera pointed at every single moviegoer in the theater, and one false move would mean our demise.

So, in conclusion, I urge you all to boycott the new K-hole Cinemas in a concerted effort to counter such assholery. Unless, of course, you want to see something on the IMAX. Or if it's right next to your house. Or if it shows a movie you want to see that isn't being shown by another theater. Or, you know, if you like facism.

SIDE NOTE - Prince Caspian is a pretty damn good movie. I have no idea if it was remotely like the book, but it was a solid piece of entertainment. I'd highly recommend it.

I Have Seen the Future, and It Is Awesome

2008-06-19T20:40:00.006-06:00

Forget your fancy sports cars, your hybrids, your battle tanks, and your Batmobiles. (Well, maybe not your Batmobiles...) I have seen the future of automobilery, and it is much better than any of that. No need for hydraulics. No need for shocks. No need for tires.

Everybody, get your hovercrafts!!

That's right. They're finally here, real live hovercrafts. And they're awesome.

Check this video, and turn the sound way up. It's the promotional video for the first commercially viable hovercraft. Check it.

I love the future.

This One's For You, Ismael

2008-06-17T18:25:00.004-06:00

As we crossed the road to get back to our apartment complex, PH and I were accosted by a vehicle full of women. Upon driving past us, one leaned out the window and shouted the following phrase:

"It's my money, and I want it now!"

It's Alive!

2008-06-12T18:22:00.002-06:00

Good God almighty, our satellite TV is back on line. After three weeks of being reduced to network programming, we finally got our TV back up and online. The recent drought almost made me want Charter back (shudder, gasp). It only took one competent person three hours messing around with our satellite, in the middle of a thunderstorm and pouring rain, no less, to fix the problem. Poor guy. He was a champ.

Anyway, now I can finally get back to several pointless hours of channel surfing each day. More importantly, the return of the Daily Show and Colbert, so I can catch up on current events.

Way to Represent Your Gender

2008-06-06T19:03:00.006-06:00

"Women's emotions are controlled by their vaginas. Vaginas interfere with the ability of women to reason. Vaginas make women moody and irrational. Women in power would make rash, illogical, emotion-based decisions. This is why they are not qualified to hold public office, and why they should not be allowed to participate in the political sphere."

This, in a nutshell, has been a dominant strain of thought regarding the role of women in politics, dating back pretty much forever. Accordingly, government has always been the dominion of men. And to a large extent, it still is, despite the tremendous advancements made by women over the past couple centuries. Look no further than American government for proof. In America, women have only had national suffrage since 1920. The vast majority of seats in the House and Senate are occupied by men - women make up just over 16% of Congress, as opposed to over half of the general population. We have never had a female president.

The question, of course, is why. I mean, really. I suppose the situation in Congress is as much the problem of incumbency as it is residual chauvanism. Members of congress just don't get defeated, whether male or female. That's why we get senators who are over 100 years old, or members of the house on their 30th term. In this system, change happens slowly, if at all.

That doesn't account for the presidency, of course, as presidents have term limits. We've had 42 presidents (not double-counting Cleveland, who was #22 and 24), and none have been women. We haven't even had a woman as a major party nominee yet. The closest was Geraldine Ferraro, Walter Mondale's running mate in 1984 for the Democratic Party. We have more and more women running in primaries, but to date, no female nominees.

Of course, this year we almost had Hillary Clinton. You'll hear the phrase "groundbreaking" liberally applied to her campain, and it was - she was a major-party frontrunner for over 10 months, and barely missed out on the nomination. As we all know, she was defeated by the equally groundbreaking campaign of Barack Obama, the first African American to be a major party's nominee for president. We've all heard how these two candidates have energized women and African Americans, respectively. And I guess that's only natural. If I was a woman or an African American, and I was a student of history and current affairs who understood the centuries of political oppression, and was frustrated by the continuing lack of proportional numbers of women or African Americans in power, I would probably also be very excited about these two candidates. (In fact, despite the fact that I'm a white male, I was very excited about both. Admittedly, I supported Obama over Hillary, and I generally think that she's a bad person. But I think both would be excellent as president, and if things had gone the other way, I would have voted for Hillary in a heartbeat.)

But then, that also brings up the problem of "symbolic" or "descriptive" representation. Basically, it's a question of whether the gender or race of a candidate actually matters. On the one hand, taking the view that we're all created equal, it shouldn't matter. A man should be able to represent women just as well as he represents men, and vice versa. Whites should be able to represent blacks just as well as they represent whites, and vice versa. With this ideal in mind, the race and gender of a candidate should make no difference to voters.

This is why I've always been pissed off when someone asks the question, "Hypothetically, would you ever vote for a woman as president?" The question only gauges whether or not I'm a sexist. All I know about this hypothetical candidate is that she's a woman. I know nothing of her positions on the issues. I know nothing of her character. Ultimately, I know nothing about her. All I can tell you is that the fact that this candidate possesses a vagina doesn't disqualify her from office in my book. Same with race, same sexuality, same with any other superficial characteristic you can come up with.

Of course, not all voters think this way. Some voters harbor gender or racial biases. They care about these superficial characteristics. A lot. Some truly believe that a woman will better represent women, or that an African American will better represent African Americans. And they may not be wrong, because politics often doesn't follow the ideal I mentioned. That's just the reality of the situation. And, in my opinion, it means that people who vote based primarly on race or gender are not foolish simply because they base their votes on these supposedly superficial characteristics.

But then there are others who I won't hesitate to judge as being foolish. Take, for example, this woman. An ardent Hillary supporter, Billie Bromer says that she is highly unlikely to vote for Obama in November now that Hillary has been defeated in the race for the Democratic nominee, despite the fact that Bromer is a Democrat. Bromer's not alone - a substantial portion of Hillary's supporters are considering either not voting, or possibly voting for Republican nominee John McCain. Now, I won't outright call these people stupid. If McCain's positions on the issues are more in line with yours than Obama's are, fine. But the voters - particularly women - who won't vote for Obama because their beloved female candidate got defeated are idiots. Just listen to this statement by Bromer, as part of her explanation of why she won't vote for Obama:

"We are homeless now and we are desperately seeking a home. We feel we have been ''abused'' by the Obama campaign and by the Democratic party.

Why would we go back to our abusers, especially when they continue to minimize our thoughts and feelings? The feminist in some of us certainly trumps any party loyalty we may have had and actually trumps any views we may have on Roe v. Wade or Iraq."

The last line is what really makes me angry. This woman is essentially voting squarely based on the vagina. The "feminist" in her trumps all other issues? Then she probably shouldn't be allowed to vote. Hillary Clinton stood for a whole lot more than simple possession of a vagina. I guarantee you she wasn't running to put a woman in the White House - she was running to push her issues, such as...for instance...Roe v. Wade, or Iraq.

Sure, why not vote for McCain? Except that his positions are pretty much diametrically opposed to those of Hillary. Sure, why not stay home on election day, let your non-vote be a boycott for your candidate getting defeated? Except that by not voting, you're not engaging in the political process. By not voting, you're making it a little more likely that the candidate who opposes your candidate's positions on every issue will get elected.

It seems to me that this woman is betraying the very principals her candidate stood for. It seems like her stance is completely irrational. It seems like she's acting out of spite and emotion rather than reason and logic. It seems like she's doing a complete disservice to herself, her candidate, and her gender.

Then again, I'm just a man. What do I know?

Motion Practice

2008-05-23T17:47:00.003-06:00

As a lawyer, a lot of what I do is paperwork. As a defense attorney, a lot of what I do is filing motions. Most are just procedural necessities; others have real meaning. Some are pointless. Some are bound to fail. Some are bound to piss people off.

But there are others that I just love. Two in particular. I love the act of writing them, knowing their significance. But even more satisfying is the act of filing them. Whenever I hand one to the clerk, I just get that feeling. The clerks never realize the significance of the particular motion to me, but I kinda wish they did. I keep waiting for one who's in the know, one who looks down at it, then she's like, "For realz?" And I'm like "Fuckin' right." Then we high-five. It's awesome. Or, it's awesome for me, anyway.

So what are these motions, specifically?

1. Motion to Dismiss, on behalf of a client I like

2. Motion to Withdraw, on behalf of a client I hate

It's hard to decide which I enjoy more. All in all, I'd say number 1, but not by much.

Imaginationland

2008-05-17T10:28:00.012-06:00

On Thursday, in a speech given in the pivotal electoral battleground state of Ohio, Republican frontrunner John McCain unveiled his vision of the future following four years of a McCain presidency. As a response to all of those who worry that a McCain presidency would simply be a continuation of what many consider to be the disastrous policies of the current administration, McCain envisions a golden age of relative peace and prosperity for America, where our current problems have long since been solved, and the uncertainty and disillusionment of 2008 will seem like mere bad dreams. I think you'll agree that McCain's vision demonstrates without a doubt why he should be elected. If you are ready, I would be honored to take you on a whirlwind tour of McCain's America, circa January 2013:

- The Iraq war has been won. Iraq will be a functioning democracy, and most of our troops will have returned to us. The few remaining divisions will only be staying behind to act as collection agencies, who spend their days counting the money that the newly democratic people of Iraq have graciously begun to donate to the United States to express their undying gratitude for bringing peace and freedom to their land.

- The international community will have convinced Iran and North Korea to abandon their nuclear aspirations. More specifically, Iran and North Korea will be convinced to abandon these aspirations by an international coalition of freedom-loving robots that will invade these nations, killing every single living person in sight, including Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. The robots that seize power and establish their respective constitutional robocracies will have no interest in developing nuclear weapons, instead setting their sights on enslaving the surrounding nations and bending them to their merciless robotic will.

- Osama bin Laden will have been captured and killed. McCain himself will lead the expedition, hunting through the caves of northern Pakistan, and will battle Osama in a fight to the death. The fight will end when McCain distracts bin Laden by pointing behind him and getting him to turn around, at which point McCain will exclaim "Yippie ky-aye, motherfucker!" and punch a hole through bin Laden's face. Luckily, these events will be captured on film, and turned into the final installment of the Die Hard franchise, entitled Die Hard 5: Die Already.

- There will still not have been a major terrorist attack on the United States since September 11, 2001. The tide will turn for good in December of 2010, when the terrorists accidentally set off a bomb in Paris. On that day, the terrorists will finally decide to change their ways after witnessing firsthand the true consequences of terrorism, when hundreds of innocent civilians are killed. Following this shocking tragedy, terrorist leaders will band together to institute a policy of pacifist terrorism only.

- Domestically, the United States economy will be seeing an unprecedented surge. All the jobs that had been lost to developing foreign countries will return through President McCain's sweeping Employment Repatriation Act of 2009. Every industry will be seeing record growth, particularly the candy manufacturing industry. Under a McCain presidency, the American people will begin constructing life-sized gingerbread houses covered in candy canes and gumdrops. They will drive licorice cars down roads made out of peanut brittle, through forests made of lollipops and over rivers filled with sugar plums and cotton candy. The impending oil crisis will be averted when a rancher discovers a massive and untapped oil reservoir beneath Jellybean Mountain, and the price of gas will plummet to 0.85 chocolate coins / gallon by 2011.

- Siberians will stop bitching about how fucking cold it is over there.

- The problems of global warming and illegal immigration will be solved simultaneously through McCain's strategic use of Giant Brick Walls around the border. These GBW's will be approximately 1.5 miles high, will surround every American border and oceanfront, and will be made out of special Mexican-resistent and greenhouse gas-resistent bricks.

- Flying cars will have finally been invented, and will be affordable enough for civilian use. Unfortunately, they will have been invented by the robots, and will only be used by the robots to fly over foreign nations and kidnap their women.

As you can see, McCain's America is a strong, successful America, on the verge of becoming a complete utopia. But the only way to make this dream a reality is to vote for John McCain. Think about it - five years from now the Iraq war will be over, almost. Osama bin Laden will be an afterthought. Americans will no longer have to worry about terrorism, oil shortages, rising gas prices, unemployment, global warming, bitching Siberians, or illegal immigration. Really, the only remaining threat will be the robots. And honestly, you can't blame John McCain for all of our robot-related problems. Sure, some stick-in-the-mud liberocrats will point out the fact that the only reason McCain will be alive in 2013 is because of his newly designed robot exoskeleton, and the fact that McCain will be the democratically elected Supreme Chancellor of Robotica.

But, I mean, come on, people. He's just one man. (Well, technically, half-man, half machine. But you get the idea.)

Vote McCain!

McCain looks into his magical, floating crystal ball.

U(nidentified) F(atass) O(bject)s

2008-05-13T19:26:00.005-06:00

Almost forgot to mention this. As I was walking toward the Dane County Courthouse the other day, guess who I saw? To narrow it down, let's do it twenty questions style:

20. Yes, it is a human being, barely.

19. Yes, this person is male.

18. Yes, he is an attorney.

17. No, this person does not have a soul, except for the ones he stole.

16. Yes, he does leave a trail of slime behind him as he walks.

15. No, he has never met a bag of pork rinds het didn't like.

14. Yes, he has litigated many cases in federal court.

13. No, he does not like to brag about it, he just can't help it.

12. Yes, he is much better than you, and would like to thank you for acknowledging it.

11. No, he does not like kittens, except in a stew.

10. Yes, he did recently escape being chained to a lake of fire in hell.

9. No, he didn't mind it there, except for the disappointing shortage of evilness in his peers.

8. Yes, he went to "law school" at Marquette.

7. Yes, he does teach legal writing at UW.

6. No, his grading scale does not extend past an 84.

5. Yes, he does ooze bacon fat from his pores.

4. No, he will not sign autographs.

3. Yes, he does buy his hair from KMart.

2. Yes, every time he smiles, a small child dies of heart failure.

1. No, he is not the greatest trial attorney in America. He is the greatest trial attorney in the history of the galaxy.

Who is this mystery man?

If you guessed Bob Fuckin' Kasieta, you're absolutely right.

Award yourself the number of points corresponding with the point at which you guessed correctly, and may God have mercy on your souls.

Finally, a Movie Named After My Penis

2008-05-04T16:01:00.004-06:00

Starting the summer off right, I bring you (official) movie review numero 10:

Iron Man

Comic book superhero movies have always been pretty hit or miss. Anyone remember Superman 4 or Batman and Robin? Me neither. Then the 2000's saw a re-emergence in quality superhero movies, led by the first two Spiderman movies, the first two X-Men installments, and a reset of the Batman franchise in Batman Begins. However, as the genre became more lucrative, everyone started jumping on the bandwagon. All comics became fodder for movies, whether worthy or not. Ghostrider happened, and the death toll is still rising. The Fantastic Four and Incredible Hulk franchises seem to be in a deadlocked race to see which offering blows the most goats. Even the third installments of Spiderman and X-Men were noticeably weaker than their predecessors. And to top it all off, Lex Luthor tried his hand at yet another real estate scheme.

But there seems to be no end in sight to the superhero movie trend, as every third rate superhero is still getting his or her own movie. 2008 seems to be no different, with new Incredible Hulk, The Punisher and Hellboy offerings on the way. July will bring us The Dark Knight, which should provide the Batman franchise's pinnacle if Spiderman 2 and X-Men 2 are any indication.

Then there's Ironman. I never read this comic. I never read anything about this character. The concept is pretty self-explanatory, and kinda silly - man wears suit of metal, blows shit up. Hey, worked for Robocop, right? Except, at this point, we demand a lot more of our superheroes than simple mindless destruction and badassery. Some skepticism here was clearly warranted.

The trailers gave me hope, however. Robert Downey Jr. was cast as the lead. Not the typical buffed up pretty boy, by any stretch. Downey's got some read comedic chops, when he's not languishing in a gutter strung out on crack. To me, comedy is an essential element of any superhero movie. I mean, we're watching some completely unrealistic shit, often involving a cape and tights clad wackjob running around trying to stop the end of the world. Without some serious levity, there's only going to be laughter for the wrong reasons. (See, e.g., Attack of the Clones. "Oh Amidala, last time I saw you I was like 8 years old and you were much older, but ever since then my loins have throbbed for you. Look at how serious my expression is! Our love is so epic!" And scene.) Thankfully, Iron Man has comedy to spare. It comes at all the right moments. The first attempts at flight are particularly laugh-out-loud hysterical.

Then you've got characters. Iron Man, aka Tony Stark, is an incredibly arrogant and equally brilliant billionaire playboy who designs and glibly markets military weaponry without stopping to consider the consequences. His transformation toward having a conscience and concern for stopping the global bodycount is fairly believable, and he remains the same likeable jackass from beginning to end. Plus, the plot offers a valid criticism toward today's profiteering off of warmongering, while never actually getting preachy. A tough balancing act, but this movie pulled it off pretty well.

The action is generally pretty strong, if not spectacular. The final battle is pretty much what you'd expect, but avoids descending into outright lameness, which was a definite possibility given the setup. Overall, a rock solid effort all around, considering it's a guy in a metal suit.

And the best part - I didn't even realize there was a comic book superhero named after my penis. You see, on my first and only trip to Washington D.C. I attended a sort of young leader's conference. The students were all arranged into groups of 25, and as an introductory game we all gave our names and our favorite hobby. One member of our group, who would later become one of my best friends in the history of the universe, informed us that, as a rule, each man's penis should have a nickname based off of his hobby. The only names I can remember are "Rocky," for a rock climber friend of mine, and my own member's name - "Iron Man," based on my love of golf. I thought it fairly appropriate. And I knew Ozzy did a pretty badass tribute song back in the day, which was used to good effect in both the movie trailer and the movie itself. But now I've got a whole movie I can point at -- a damn good movie, no less -- and say, "My schlong inspired that phenomenal piece of filmmaking."

Although, to be fair, as far as tributes go, I'll always be partial to the People's Republic of China and their aptly named "Dragon Tower."

My score: A-
Recommendation: Hellz fuckin' yeah.

Attacked!

2008-04-26T08:28:00.002-06:00

High above in its mountainous fortress, the Beast watched and plotted. Little did I know it had me it its sights, stalking me, awaiting only the right moment to spring its trap. I had ventured into its domain, a slight the Beast would not abide.

Too late I heard it move; too late did I sense the attack. I raised my hands in defense, but the Beast coiled and struck true, its talons clawing deeply into the exposed flesh of my face.

Then, victorious in its conquest, the Beast slinked away, to wait and plot its next attack.

But my scars remain, and may never heal. Forever they shall attest to the fated night when I became the hunted.

TRANSLATION: I was watching TV on the lower bunk of the bunkbed in the office of our apartment. The cats normally call the top bunk home, and occasionally jump to the lower bunk to get down. K2, aka Maggie, aka Fatpants, decided to jump down. I heard her rustling up above, and shifted slightly in my place. The son-of-a-bitch misjudged her landing and ended up landing claws-first directly on the left side of my face.

So yes, I've got some pretty sweet scars. If anyone asks, I got attacked by a jungle cat.

Sucks For You!

2008-04-17T18:29:00.002-06:00

One of those moments happened at lunch today. You know, the kind where it's so incredibly awkward and embarassing for someone, the kind that we never ever want to happen to ourselves? Thankfully, it didn't happen to me. And it didn't happen to Ismael, or PH, who were also present. It didn't even happen to the esteemed Mr. Utah, oddly enough, though it seemed exactly the type of thing that would happen to him. On a regular basis.

The scene - myself, Ismael, PH, and another law school acquaintance were eating lunch at a downtown restaurant. All of us are criminal defense lawyers, to some extent. So, naturally, the topic of conversation came around to DA's whom we just can't stand. Our acquaintance began a rant about a particular DA that he'd had problems with recently, going so far as to call him an "asshole." That was the point where I looked up.

Lo and behold, that very same DA was sitting just a few tables away.

"He's here!" I gasped, as subtly as I could. The conversation didn't quite stop, but soon everyone realized that not only was the DA right there, but that he had probably heard a good portion of the rant directed at him.

As a young criminal defense attorney trying desperately to get treated with respect by the local DA's, I can't think of a much more horrifying thing to happen.

Except, perhaps, if it was a judge.

Oh well. At least it didn't happen to me.

I've Gotta Have More Googly Eyes

2008-04-09T20:18:00.003-06:00

The legendary Christopher Walken hosted Saturday Night Live for the 100th time last weekend. As usual, he managed to make it funny. Here's my favorite sketch, entitled "Indoor Gardening Tips from a Man Who's Very Scared of Plants":

Geek Out

2008-04-06T22:23:00.010-06:00

I attended the Oddyssey Convention ("OddCon ")this weekend in Madison, a three day event at the Radisson where geeks united to discuss super-geeky shit. Much of it was geared towards writers - novelists, screenwriters, poets, etc., while the rest was for fans of the sci fi/fantasy media. Being an both an aspiring writer and a big fan, I found plenty to enjoy.

The main reason I went is that my favorite author, George R.R. Martin, was the headlining guest. For those of you who've never heard of him, George is the author of the "A Song of Ice and Fire" series. Simply put, it's fucking awesome. Basically historical/fantasy fiction along the lines of Tolkien but with a decidedly humanistic approach, rather than the standard elves, dwarves, and wizards that most Tolkien-esque writers have adopted in his wake. There is some magic involved, but mostly at the fringes. Martin's books are wonderfully complex, especially if you enjoy a good amount of political intrigue, as well as copious amounts of blood, sex, death, cursing, and glory. They are quite long and increasingly bloated, but the most engaging and compelling story I've read in awhile. So getting to see him up close and personal was pretty cool.

Beyond that, I was once again faced with the (comforting) knowledge that I will never reach the astronomical levels of geekdom reached by a select few. For instance, to be a supergeek, as a man I would have to either (a) stop shaving and grow a Santa Claus-esque beard, (b) stop getting my hair cut, allowing myself a long, flowing ponytail, and (c) gain approximately 300 lbs. To become a supergeek woman, one would follow step (c), never comb her hair, ever again, obtain a set of face-swallowing, 7 inch thick bifocals, and possibly step (a), at your discretion.

Also, while I generally don't condone taking certain people and holding them up for public ridicule, there was one woman there who was so beyond geeky, so fantastically nauseating, so blissfully obnoxious that I can't not mention her. She had it all - the frizzed-out tuft of hair, the 7 inch thick bifocals, and the 200 lbs of extra blubber. She also wore the same outfit all three days. But more than that, she always sat right in the front (occasionally on the floor rather than chairs), spoke very slowly and in a nasal voice approximating that of Towelie, and constantly blurted out ridiculously stupid comments and questions. And since she was right in the front, she kept interrupting the panelists. By the second day, both fans and panelists alike cringed when they saw her enter the room. At one point, when she asked a blatantly stupid question, a panelist appropriately replied, "That's a stupid question." One of the other panelists tried to soften it, backpedaling for the guy, but he insisted, "No. It's stupid. I'm not going to answer it." Then, on the final day, she gave an absolutely perfect comment to close out the weekend. A panel was talking about multi-book storytelling, and one author referred to something as being "like juggling alligators." Then this woman opined, in her disturbingly shrill voice, "The thing about alligators is, you never know if...you've got them the way...um, wait, if they've got you...um..." And then the awkward trail-off into the oblivion of retardedness.

Perhaps she was mentally ill, and if so, I apologize. But if not, she owed everyone else at the convention an apology for inflicting her presence on what was otherwise a pretty fun weekend.

Still, enduring the atrocious hairstyles, facial hair and outfits was worth it, if only to indulge my inner geek for a little while.

How About a Little Less Insulting My Profession, A Little More "Shut the Hell Up"

2008-04-03T19:49:00.002-06:00

Wisconsinites are retarded. Gableman? A justice of the Wisconsin Supreme Court?

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

I grew up in this state. I know the population is comprised mostly of rural, conservative people. I've always tried to be open-minded. My friends in high school were mostly of this ilk. On many a Friday night I found myself attending county fairs, stock car races, and smoke-filled local taverns because that's what my friends were into. I didn't hunt, I didn't fish, I didn't drive a pickup truck, I didn't listen to either country or heavy metal music, I didn't smoke, and I didn't drink. Needless to say, I didn't fit in at all.

But the people who did do all of those things were my friends and their friends and their families and my family. They are good, intelligent people.

Yet I know they're the same idiots who just elected Mike Fucking Gableman to the supreme court.

I've already tried not to feel better than these people. I've always been a couple steps ahead academically, but I tried to check my arrogant, elitist nature at the door when thinking about my home town and its inhabitants.

But no. Fuck that. I'm better than them. If only because I know better than to vote for Mike Gableman.

Forget the fact that he's just another bag of hot air who avoids the tough questions by pivoting back to his talking points. Forget the fact that he doesn't have nearly the requisite intellectual chops to be qualified for the SUPREME COURT. No, what galls me about this fucker is the fear-mongering tactics he used to win, specifically by dragging my profession through the mud. Criminal defense attorneys are not criminals. In the criminal justice system, we play just as important a role as the prosecutors who pronounce themselves "protectors of the public." See, we're the ones defending the down-trodden. Gableman's attacks (and don't even start with the fact that most of the ads came from independant groups, because you know he sanctioned them) equated criminals with evildoers and defense attorneys as agents of the Beast. Cocksucker.

I just love when he goes on and on about how he's not some "judicial activist" like Butler, that he would "uphold the plain language of the law." Then, at the same time, he rants about how Butler used to set criminals free by using "technicalities." Ooooh, technicalities. You know what a technicality is? In this context, a technicality is when a defense attorney asserts a defendant's constitutional right, like the right of every citizen to be free from an unreasonable search and seizure, or the right to confront one's accusers in court, or the right against self-incrimination. A "technicality" is the equivalent of "upholding the plain language of the law" when applied to criminal defendants. Gasp, shudder.

The sad thing is, it's not Gableman's fault. It's the fault of the citizens of Wisconsin who fall for such tactics. More likely than not, it's the fault of my old friends, their friends, their families, and my family. So, as our constitutional rights get increasingly eroded by justices who claim to "uphold the plain language of the law," all the while advancing one political agenda, I know whom to thank.

The Importance of Grammar

2008-03-27T17:58:00.002-06:00

Today I observed the following bumper sticker on a car window:

"Bad-ass boys ride bad ass toys!"

At first glance, this may seem like a perfectly innocuous attempt at male bravado. However, upon closer inspection, a serious flaw becomes apparent.

Now, by no means am I a grammar Nazi. Being part-black myself, I understand the occasional need to completely eviscerate the English language. Still, I have to take issue with this particular statement. Let me break it down for you:

"Bad-ass" is an excellent word, by all accounts. Often used to describe the kung fu stylings of Chuck Norris, the latest Vin Diesel movie, and Acts of Favre. However, to be used as intended in the above bumper sticker, it NEEDS a hyphen. When the hyphen is omitted, the original intent of the sentence can be completely subverted.

For example, let's examine the phrase "bad ass toys." In this context, "bad" acts as an adjective. Without the hyphen, the word "ass" is not connected to "bad;" instead, it becomes part of the object of the sentence - "ass toys."

For a man, association in any way with "ass toys" is generally not helpful when attempting to construct a macho image. Even worse, the adjective "bad" implies that not only is an ass toy in use, but the toy itself is of poor quality or craftsmanship.

And use of the verb "ride" indicates that not only does the man possess a shoddy butt plug, but confirms that he rides it.

Proper pronunciation of the phrase thus changes from what the man intended:

"Bad-ass boys ride bad-ass toys!"
to
"Bad-ass boys ride bad ass toys!"

This, my friends, is the importance of grammar.

Also, the car was a piece of shit.

Let Them Watch Horrifically Boring Crap

2008-03-25T22:31:00.003-06:00

Let's get right to this bitch, shall we? Movie review the whateverth:

Marie Antoinette

First of all, yes, I did watch Marie Antoinette. Yes, I still have a penis. And no, it hasn't withered and died as a result of watching this movie. It did, however, give me some funny looks during the show, as if to say, "Dude, really?" I just kinda shrugged, and that was that.

Second of all, there will be no spoilers in this review. Not because I want to spare those of you who wish to see it from discovering what happens, but because nothing actually happens. I mean, I'd love to give away all the plot twists, except there is no plot. Not even one straight line of plot. Not even the slightest hint of a plot.

Now, for those of you who might someday have even the slightest desire to watch this movie, here's what I suggest you do instead. Take your average piece of toilet paper. One-ply, two-ply, quilted, doesn't matter, just rip off a square. Now, take a piece of tape, and tape that sucker to your wall. Get a nice, comfy chair, and pull it about five feet from that square of toilet paper. Now, settle in for the next two hours, and stare at that piece of toilet paper. If you happen to notice anything about it, anything at all, you will have far surpassed the viewing experience of watching Marie Antoinette.

You think I'm kidding? Right then. I will now describe for you the entire movie, frame by frame:

- Girl in dress
- Girl in carriage
- Girl meets Patches O'Houlihan (aka Louix XIV). For some reason, Patches doesn't throw any wrenches at her. He mostly stands there, terribly miscast
- Girl meets Molly Fucking Shannon in a powdered wig
- Girl goes to France
- Girl meets her husband, Max Fischer (aka Louis XVI). Max makes no attempt at acting
- Girl marries Max Fischer, becomes princess
- Girl dances
- Girl gets new dresses
- ....nothing
- Girl eats dinner
- Girl looks forlorn
- Max is terribly awkward
- Patches gets it on with Yelena from XXX
- Idle gossip
- Max is too lame to have sex with Girl
- Patches croaks
- Girl looks forlorn
- Girl gets new dresses
- Girl eats many pastries
- Idle gossip
- Girl builds peasant village
- France has an army?
- Girl contemplates buying oak trees
- Girl does it with soldier
- Girl looks forlorn
- Soldier has completely non sequitur scene atop a hill with explosions in background
- Max Fischer mumbles a bit
- Peasants surround Versailles
- Empty room
Fin.

I kept watching, waiting for something to happen. Occasionally there would be some bizarre and terribly stupid line that would hook my interest again. My girl hit it right on the head - a kind of morbid curiousity kept us both watching. Normally I'm not one to slow down for car wrecks, but with this I kind of felt like I needed the full experience to properly appreciate it. So I watched it all, in all its car wreck glory. Kind of a slow-motion, 122 minute car wreck where none of the cars actually collide with anything, and in fact there are not even any cars present.

And that about covers it.

My Score: D
Recommendation: Only if you like pretty dresses and hate the needless distractions of plotting, characterization, drama, humor, themes, events, and things that happen

Trifecta, Part II

2008-03-19T11:15:00.004-06:00

That sound you hear is the crowd, still cheering. In my head, of course, because no one actually comes to watch my soccer games. But whatever. Point is, Monday night I got my second straight hat trick. We played a pretty decent team, who scored the first goal. We didn't have any of our usual scorers (except me, apparently). I proceeded to score the next THREE goals of the game. It was fucking ridiculous. Not to mention our goalie, "Spiderman," who was blocking goals Matrix-style at the back. Absolutely monstrous.

We ended up winning 6-1, but I prefer this statistic: I outscored the other team 3-1.

Sometimes pimpin' is easy.

For Realz

2008-03-12T22:27:00.001-06:00

Walking down King Street today, saw an object lying on the sidewalk. Red, cylindrical, maybe 8 inches long by one inch wide. Got a little closer. Took another look.

It was a fucking vibrator.

Swear to God.

Trifecta

2008-03-01T10:18:00.003-06:00

I'm not what one would call a "talented" soccer player. Simply put, I don't have skillz. I never have. Soccer has been my main sport for awhile now, since sophomore year of high school, when I first started playing. Prior to that I had tried just about every sport, with varying degrees of success. Basically, I was pretty athletic, though not particularly skilled at anything. Soccer ended up being a good fit, because I could run fast and wasn't afraid to be aggressive. So I became a defensive specialist, where my job was mostly to stop the other team's offense. And I was good at it. I became team captain, and even went all-conference my senior year.

After high school, I played on some summer recreational leagues, and tried indoor soccer a couple times. Indoor wasn't my thing, because there were fewer players on the field at a time, which meant everyone had to play offense and defense. So I played, and even scored a couple times from sheer luck. But sooner or later I lost interest.

However, I started playing again this past year in an effort to get in better shape (and as an outlet for aggression/competitiveness). As I said, I still wasn't very 'skilled,' which limited my effectiveness. But I've gotten better with each game, and more comfortable trying to play offense. My teams often struggled due to a lack of players, making us play 5-on-6 (or worse) a lot of the time. We had some pretty good players, but having to play all 50 minutes with no substitutes really wears on you, no matter how good you are. For this session, however, our team suddenly has more people. We also imported one player who appears to be the equivalent of Superman, who can score from anywhere on anyone. So things have really picked up. We won our first two games against pretty good teams.

Last night we had our third game. It started out horribly. The other team had a guy (#13, for future reference) that was like the Anti-Superman, with all the powers of Superman, only using his powers for evil, since he played for the other team. For the first half, none of us played all that well, and #13 led them to a 4-1 lead. In particular, I blew some serious goats, including shanking a wide open shot from a couple feet away on a beautiful pass from Superman. That was a great feeling. Again, I felt like my complete lack of technical proficiency had come back to haunt me.

But the second half was another story. When I entered the game, we were down 4-2. Our goalie, hereafter known as Spiderman (due to his quickness, sticky fingers, and general spider-like mutations) was keeping us in the game with some pretty ridiculous saves. He had directed us to gang up on #13, which I made a point to do in the second half. But first, I got down toward the goal, and Superman set me up for another shot. This time I blasted it right into the goalie's face. Frankly, I was surprised they didn't call me for a dangerous ball, because it really was. But the shot, which careened off the goalie's face and into the goal, counted, bringing us to within one goal. Then, about a minute later, I stole the ball from someone, dribbled it the length of the field (pitch, if you're a purist), beat their last defender and drilled another goal to tie the game.

Let me tell you, scoring is an awesome feeling. The whole game stops, the defeated goalie has to retrieve the ball, and you get to do a victory trot back to your half of the pitch. I don't often get to enjoy that feeling, but getting it twice in a minute was amazing. Not to mention shocking.

I left the game shortly afterward, and soon we were losing again. We had one player who, through seeming frustration, would not leave the game, no matter how tired he became. #13 went on a spree, and soon they were up 7-4. Then Superman returned to the game and got us another goal to bring it to 7-5. I returned to the game, and once again made it my mission to shut down #13. I got my chance pretty quickly, when he got the ball at mid-field, one-on-one against me. If he beat me, then he would have had an open run against Spiderman, who, though awesome, would have been hard-pressed to stop #13 without any assistance. Fortunately, I ate that fucker up. I stole the ball, passed it off, and someone else passed to another person who scored.

Not long after, I had another opportunity. Someone kicked it toward #13, but a little past him, so he would have to run to it. I beat him there, drilled the ball away, and once again someone dished it off to someone else who scored. And just like that, we were tied again, and we had all the momentum.

If I remember correctly, the next thing to happen was our tiebreaker. We had a bunch of people on offense trying to make something happen, and I was one of them. Someone passed me the ball, and I had a fairly decent opening, so I fired another shot. The goalie charged at it, but the ball ricocheted off one of the other opponents' shoulder, dropped over the goalie's head, and into the goal.

That's right -- three goals for the Viceman. I don't know how to explain that. But it happened, I swear to God.

We had the lead until somebody slipped past and hit a really tricky shot to tie it up again. But our defense held them, and I'm pretty sure Superman hit the next goal, making it 9-8. I came out soon after that, and in the final minutes someone got another goal to ice the game. We won 10-8. It was fucking fantastic. To know that we beat a good team by coming from three goals down - not once, but twice - and to know that I helped lead the charge each time (despite my staggering incompetence in the first half) was an amazing feeling.

Really, who needs actual skills when you've got luck?

FY,T2 - Technology Strikes Back

2008-02-21T12:58:00.003-06:00

I could never be a Luddite. (Or neo-Luddite, or whatever is correct - the guys that oppose technology.) I'm not one of those people who would rather have been born in the 1800's, or 1950's, or whatever. I loves me my technologies. As an attorney and an aspiring writer of bad-ass sci-fi/fantasy, I love my laptop to death. I've tried writing on a typewriter before, and it's fun for the first 30 seconds, until you want to rewrite something, and then you pretty much have to scrap the whole project and start over. I love the internets. I love cell phones. I love rocket-guided missiles that can shoot down satellites and filthy Russians. I love laser pointers that drive cats nuts. I love special effects. I love fuel-injected cars. I hate robots, but I like TV shows about blowing robots up.

Still, technology has been biting me in the ass lately with its robotic teeth. Witness my partner in law's account of yesterday, which felt a lot like it must have felt to be a Holocaust victim (if, in fact, such a thing happened).

And more and more, I'm seeing technology that I just don't need or want. For instance, the magical paper towel dispensers that you just wave at and they dispense towels. Or the sinks that you wave at and they dispense water. I know the theory behind each is the reduction of germs, because you don't have to contact these surfaces with your hands. But when I stand in front of these things waving my hands in vain and getting no towels or water, I feel like a fucking retard. I don't know why, but some of these things you either have to wave your hands just right, or else nothing you can do will trigger them. Either way, same result - I stand there unable to perform a ridiculously simple task, just because some toolbag decided we needed to upgrade our hand washing/drying to the point where we can't wash/dry our hands anymore. Keep that shit -- I'll stick with the manual method.

Also, I still can't access any of my bank accounts.

Throwing Off the Yoke Of Oppression

2008-02-11T22:53:00.000-06:00

The transformation is complete - my home is now 150% Charter-free. After years of putting up with Charter's bullshit, Vice has gone satellite, and oh what a wonderful feeling it is. Let's recount the highlights of Charter's reign of terror:

- The first time I had Charter, my payments were made by Charter taking automatic withdrawals from my checking account each month. After a semester of unemployment, my checking account was just about running on empty going into the summer. Then, when I cancelled my service, Charter automatically deducted $90 from my account. Why? There weren't any cancellation fees, or fees for failing to return my shit, or money I owed from previous months. No, it was a "We're going to try to fuck you over and hope you don't watch your account transactions carefully" fee. Naturally, that $90 put me in the red and left me putting everything on my charge card until my summer internship started paying off. My parents were actually floating me their loose change to carry me over for a few weeks. And, of course, Charter couldn't just put the money back in my account. Oh no. For some reason, it took over two months before I saw that money again. Assholes.

- In the fall of 2007, PH decided to get Charter for her apartment, which I was fortunate enough to frequent regularly. After a couple months, Charter determined that PH was late with her payments, and decided to shut off her service completely. Of course, they had been paid in full. PH tried to explain this, to no avail. When they refused to turn the service back on, PH chose to stop paying for realz. As a matter of principle, of course, she never obtained service at that apartment again, and due to Charter's blatant douchebaggery, we struggled through fuzzy antenna television stations and no convenient internet access for about eight months before finally moving out. Assholes.

- After moving to a new apartment, we (reluctantly) signed up with Charter once again, since they basically own Madison. After obtaining cable and internet for reasonable rates for the first six months, the introductory period ended, and the infamous price increases took effect, sending our bill up approximately $30/month. That, of course, was expected. At the same time, however, Charter chose to eliminate the lower levels of internet speeds they previously offered, forcing everyone to receive and pay the correspondingly higher rate for 5mb internet. This increased our bill by an additional $20/month. So, in the course of one month, we went from paying approximately $70/month to paying $120/month with very little change in the actual services we received. Assholes.

- And let's not forget Charter's dicktastic refusal to work out something with the Big Ten Network, thereby depriving Madisonians from the ability to watch BTN-broadcast Badger football (and other sports) from the comfort of their own homes, forcing us into packed sportsbars with limited visibility of the game. Then they had the gall to air ads portraying themselves as the good guy fighting for the viewers, blaming the Big Ten Network for the whole thing. The Big Ten Network may be a steaming pile, but if you fuckers think for one hot second I'm gonna believe you give half a shit about your viewers, think again. Assholes.

Ultimately, the price increase was the last straw. We hit the phone book and did a little research, and decided to switch to TDS. Now we have local phone, internet, satellite TV, and DVR for about $100/month, with a guarantee that prices will not increase in the next 2 years.

Plus, the DVR is amazing. No longer are we slaves to the broadcast times, having to be home and ready to watch at exactly the right moments, having to stop what we're doing at certain intervals or miss what we want to see. One of the most satisfying moments came just half an hour ago, when the Colbert Report began, and I was in the kitchen making myself a gi-fucking-normous bowl of popcorn. I still had a minute of popping left to go when the show began, and as much as I love the popcorn piping hot out of the microwave, I didn't want to miss the opening minutes. Then the realization hit - I didn't have to. I waited, cracked open my popcorn, and poured myself a drink, all while Colbert was up and running. Then I sat down, ate my popcorn, and rewound to the start of the show. Awesome.

Right now I'm watching Ninja Warrior. There's not even any Ninja Warrior on right now.

Of course, TDS could also prove to be complete cockbags. But I'm confident that any type of shit they might pull will pale in comparison to the festering anal wart that is Charter Communications. Goodbye, and good riddance.

Quothe the Ninja

2008-01-27T19:09:00.000-06:00

Favorite new phrase:

"Ninja please!"

IRS (Income-Raping Scavengers)

2008-01-25T08:37:00.000-06:00

The IRS has decided to rape me. Higher tax bracket my ass. If that's the case, why don't I have any more money than I used to? I haven't been spending any more than I used to. I guess there's a major difference in taxation between "poor" and "slightly less poor."

Now I will have to start making quarterly estimated tax payments in earnest. Something about the "time value of money," so the IRS decides it needs it before I actually make it. Well that's great, considering SPD doesn't pay me until two-three weeks after the case is closed, which is generally three months after I start it. So, to review, here is my taxation/income chronology:

1. I pay the IRS on income I haven't made yet
2. I do the work
3. I get the income on work I did months ago and paid taxes on several months ago

Here's a question - where the fuck is my "time value of money?"

Monsterous

2008-01-20T10:57:00.000-06:00

The wait is finally over, folks. After months and months of viral marketing and hype, Cloverfield has come out, and I have seen it.

That's right, I've seen the monster that tore apart Manhattan. I know what it is.

WARNING: Spoilers ahead.

It was brutal. It was hideous. It was the culmination of all movie monsters - think of everything that frightens you, everything that creeps you out -- this monster had all that and more.

And now, I will reveal it to you.

Here it is, folks, in all it's glory - the Cloverfield monster is:

A giant half-chicken, half-squirrel.

Yeah, I was surprised too.

Sorry I couldn't find a bigger picture. I assume everyone on the internets was simply too afraid to upload anything larger.

Backbone

2008-01-15T17:28:00.000-06:00

Goddamnit. Just once I wish I could get a client with some spine. Everybody wants to fight their case, until it's a couple months down the road and they're still sitting in jail, or they're scared of getting a criminal conviction, and no one wants to try the case.

Well I want to try the case! Pussies.

God, get some spine. Stop thinking of yourselves. Face it, you can afford to sacrifice a little freedom and peace of mind for the sake of me getting to go nutty in court.

Dude, Stop Fucking Calling Me

2008-01-10T23:03:00.000-06:00

Look, I know you don't want to go to jail. But you're going to. And there ain't a goddamn thing I can do about it.

Not that I want to, of course. I think you should go to jail. You committed like 10 different crimes, then flipped your shit when you found out the judge wanted you to spend some time in jail. What the fuck did you expect?

Now you want me to try to do the impossible. File the Magic Motion. Convince the judge to put you on house arrest. Never mind the fact that I already asked the judge to put you on house arrest, and in no uncertain terms, he basically gave the legal equivalent of "Fuck you, you lowlife, stupid piece of shit. Rot in jail. Peace!" Remember how, after going on a tirade about how you went on a crime spree, the judge actually apologized for how worked up he got? Guess what? He wasn't apologizing to you. He was apologizing to everyone else in the court that witnessed him showing how he really felt, rather than being objective and level, as a judge is supposed to.

You know why it happened in the first place? Because you're a fuckup, and you fucked up, over and over. Then, after we worked out a sentence where half of your jail time would get stayed if you successfully completed alcohol treatment, then you go and ask him to give you a break on the rest of it. Like yeah, you really got a raw deal. I feel sorry for your sorry ass.

Guess what? You don't want to go to jail? STOP BREAKING THE LAW!

If you call me tomorrow, and I'm there to take the call, this is what I'm going to say:
"I'm sorry, Mr. ______. There's nothing more I can do for you. Take care."

Now, since you're so goddamned dense that you can't take a fucking hint, here's what it means:
"I hope you die. No, seriously. I hope you get pulled over by the police, just for being an asshole. I hope the cop comes up to your window and asks you a question. I hope you look at him and say something retarded, like you always do. And I hope that cop whips out his baton and bashes in your fucking skull. You know why I'd like to see that happen? Because I'm a man who appreciates justice. So fucking die already, you worthless, witless piece of human excrement."

Talk to you tomorrow, pal.

Resolved: Eat More Fried Food

2008-01-02T22:51:00.000-06:00

Of all the things that make a man's life worth living, glory and fried food have to be two of the top five. So what better way to ring in the new year than inviting one's friends over, setting up a 30 quart deep fryer, and frying the shit out of some outrageously good food?

On the menu for the night: Deep-fried turkey. Deep-fried jalapeno poppers with bacon and cheese. Deep-fried tempura vegetables. And for dessert, deep-fried twinkies. Not to mention PH's ooey, gooey, melt-in-your-mouth, orgasm-inducing chocolate chip cookies which, while not deep fried, were spectacular nonetheless.

Also, note the roaring hippopotamus standing guart atop the candle, watching over the bountiful feast. Bad ass.

Our good friend Mr. Utah made the long, dark voyage from the barren wastelands of the BRF to join us, and his presence was extraordinary as always. First, he devised a phenomenal name for the new firm, "Ismael, Vice, Goliath & Slagathor" (edited to protect our respective last shreds of anonymity). Second, he whipped out quite possibly the greatest line of the night, and I quote: "I guarantee that in the modern age, Skeletor would get tons of poon." Touchee.

Pictured to the right is Mr. Utah being heinously violated by Mr. Ismael.

Finally, Mr. Ismael now requests that he be henceforth referred to as "The Frymaster."

Hope everyone else's New Years were as sweet as this one.

It's Official

2007-12-28T11:20:00.000-06:00

To quote Flight of the Conchords, (in falsetto, singing) "It's business....it's business time!"

The legal supergroup MZRM's two greatest attorneys who still live in Madison will now be joining forces to create a partnership. Or an LLC. Or...one of those things. An L.L.Something. Just like L.L. Cool J. It'll be like Mama Said Knock You Out, At law.

So I don't know much about business. Fuck you.

Anyway, I've got a solid foundation for a client base, and Mr. Ismael is starting his as well. I've got money saved away that I forgot about, thus enabling me to not go broke immediately.

There's a lot to do, obviously. Finding office space. Finding office furniture. Developing a business plan. Developing a secret handshake. And most importantly, coming up with a name.

Community Justice Commandoes at Law, anyone?

Well I'll Be Damned

2007-12-26T21:30:00.000-06:00

I didn't intend this to be a full movie review, but what the hell...

Evan Almighty

To my complete surprise, this movie didn't completely suck. Yeah, I know. It cost like $50,000 billion dollars to make, which is outrageous for a 90 minute comedy. I know, it's got Steve Carrell essentially playing Noah. And yeah, there's a flood. And Wanda Sykes. Re-fucking-diculous, I know.

Still, some of it was pretty good. For one thing, a movie that Steve Carrell signs off on can't be all bad. Logically, some of the writing had to be pretty funny, and.....it was. There were a few good jokes here and there. Also, the sheer absurdity of some the plot made it generally pretty amusing. And, I'll admit, it had some pretty cute moments, and a life-affirming story.

Granted, some of it was just lame. I'm kinda getting sick of the pro-environment plots coming out of some of today's comedies, and this was no exception. Not that I'm anti-environment, but a comedy with a pro-environment agenda bothers me along the lines of Shoot Em Up with an anti-gun policy. No thanks.

Also, there was an extended bit of slapstick humor during the ark-building scenes, where Steve Carrell injured himself in every way known to man, often repeating the same stupid mistake over and over, and often falling over for no apparent reason. I don't mind slapstick, but at least do it intelligently, and with a purpose.

All in all, I kinda liked the movie. Somebody got it for me for Christmas (not on my list), but I enjoyed it. So there.

My score: C+/B-
Recommendation: If you can step outside of your jaded, cynical selves and just try to enjoy it, it's not that bad. If you can't...well, I understand.

Road Rage

2007-12-20T16:40:00.000-06:00

I'm not what one might call "tolerant" or "remotely patient" when driving. Though I have mellowed slightly in my old age (seriously, I have), I still feel the urge to scream at people a lot of the time. For example, people who slow down to look at car accidents. If you're slowing down because everyone ahead of you slowed down and you don't want to hit them, fine. But if you're slowing down to satisfy your own curiousity, fuck you.

Same with people who are already going the speed limit, then slow down when they see a cop. What the fuck are you afraid of, exactly? The police might start cracking down on people who drive less than five miles below the legal limit? Assholes.

Then today, when driving home on the Beltline, I encountered a vehicle driving 47 mph in the passing lane. All alone. No cars ahead of him, plenty of room to the side. I pulled pretty close behind him, and he kept puttering right along.

As far as I'm concerned, you want to drive slow, fine. But not in the far left lane. They don't call it the "passing lane" because of all the other drivers passing the people who drive in it. In some states, you're not even allowed to drive in the left lane for a certain distance when there are no other cars around. Where I come from, you can get shot for less.

Comic Books: Not Just For Dorks Anymore...Or I Have Become A Dork

2007-12-19T12:37:00.000-06:00

I used to read comic books, way back in the day. If I had to guess, I'd say I was 7-8 years old. My older brother was the one who really liked them; I gave them a shot, and found they weren't too bad. If I remember correctly, I primarily read Batman comics; I doubt I read anything else. I never got too caught up in comics, though, because any interest I had was soon supplanted by my obsession for TV and movies. To me, they seemed infinitely more satisfying, and easier to follow. And they still do.

However, this year I've found myself going to the comic book stores more and more. Mainly because Joss Whedon, the creator of Buffy, Angel, and Firefly - possibly my three favorite fictional stories ever - has now expanded these universes into the comic book medium. Now, to be honest, there have already been Buffy and Angel comics floating around, and I never paid them any mind. Mostly because Joss himself wasn't writing them. At this time, the respective shows were still on the air (or in production of the movie, as with the continuation of Firefly). And Joss was involved in other comics, including a series called Fray and his take on the X-Men. But I never looked into those. Just not all that interested.

But then my shows ended. Firefly was taken off the air before I ever watched it; I caught it late on DVD, then saw the movie, which was awesome. Buffy ended the same year as Firefly, and went out in spectacular form. Angel was cancelled the following year, which was a travesty because it left all of the main characters in a precarious position in the final moments. Now, the TV series finale was awesome, and symbollicaly it was an excellent way for the show to go out, which made it less of a cliffhanger and more of an inevitability. However, myself and millions of others wanted to know what happend in that final battle, and got denied the chance. Similarly, although Firefly got made into a sweet-ass movie, it wasn't enough - there were so many stories left to be told, that just wouldn't, unless another movie comes out (which, at this point, doesn't seem all that likely.)

That is, until the comics came along. Not just comics telling side stories, actual canonical continuations written or supervised by Joss Whedon. Firefly came out with a three-issue set called "Those Left Behind" to bridge the gap between the end of the TV show and the start of the movie. Now a new series is set to come out in the spring called "Better Days," which I believe is also set prior to the beginning of the movie. In addition, a new graphic novel that tells the story of Book's past will also come out in the spring.

Joss also decided to continue Buffy in comics form, an official continuation referred to as Buffy Seaon 8, though it's not on television. So far there have been 8 issues, and have been relatively decent. I find that I still greatly prefer television to comics, and Buffy didn't really need to continue beyond its final TV episode, but...still good to see the familiar characters and universe that were so great on TV.

By contrast, I was extremely excited to hear the announcement of Angel: After the Fall, an official continuation of that show, which I felt really needed to continue so Joss could tell the story he intended. This isn't quite Angel Season 6, but something different - most of what was intended for that season is included, but the story is actually supposed to be much more epic in scope now, since there are no budget constraints on special effects, no problems with casting, none of the limitations a real TV show has. Of course, it has limitations specific to comics. The first issue was pretty good; rather than picking up directly where the season ended, it picks up in the near future, where some rather surprising issues with some of the characters have come up. It's still slightly hard to follow, as the writing isn't exactly "Point A, Point B, Point C." The writers (Joss and Brian Lynch) are trying not to reveal too much too early, and that's all well and good, but also leaves some genuine "What the fuck?" moments. All in all, good show, and issue 2 is out today.

So, although it's not perfect, comics have allowed the continuation of stories I love that got axed in television, which has led me into the world of comic book dorkery. It was inevitable, I suppose, but here I am.

Attention Motherfucker: Bring It

2007-12-13T19:38:00.000-06:00

An open letter to the person who thought I hit their car, then left a profanity-filled note talking about how I was going to pay for it, which included no contact information or insurance information, and left before I got back:

Prove it.

I didn't hit your car. I had to park close to it because a snowbank had encroached on my spot. My door may have rested against your car when I opened it, but it did not scratch it. In fact, no part of my car scratched your car. You know how I can tell? Because there are no marks on my car whatsoever. If I had scratched up your car, as you claim, there would be some sort of mark on my vehicle. There's not. I've got the pictures to prove it.

You, on the other hand, have nothing. So come and get me, motherfucker.

The Most Nad-Mashing, Spine-Crunching Show on Television

2007-12-10T17:29:00.000-06:00

I am referring, of course, to Ninja Warrior on the G4 channel, possibly the greatest thing to happen to television since "Dick in a Box." If you've never seen it (you poor bastards), let me break it down for you. Imagine an elaborate obstacle course testing your strength, agility, and endurance. Imagine four separate stages, and each is continually updated and revampted to further test the ability of the challengers. Imagine some absolutely incredible athletes in peak physical condition who become legitimate Ninja Warrior superstars through their repeated successes, who occasionally go nutty and build replica Ninja Warrior practice courses in their backyards for training purposes. Now imagine an assortment of other people from all walks of life who wish to challenge the grueling courses for themselves. Then throw in ridiculously enthusiastic announcer who exclaims every word in an overly-annunciated Japanese accent, and is not afraid to make vaguely inappropriate and often hilarious commentary.

Let me tell you, it's frickin' awesome.

Watching the true Ninja Warriors compete is amazing - the obstacles are ridiculous, and seeing them overcome is pretty sweet. Watching the common folk compete is generally pretty funny, because when someone fails, they plummet to the water in agony. And, for both the warriors and the commoners, there's always a fair amount of absolutely wicked-looking collisions and awkward tumbles. Some are funny, some are heart-breaking, especially when a competitor sinks to the water after nearly completing an obstacle.

G4 shows it like 12 hours a day, so it's hard to miss. I strongly encourage everyone to check it out.

When Calves Attack!

2007-11-29T18:23:00.001-06:00

I've got massive calves. Let's not fuck around. I would estimate my calves to represent approximately 90% of my body mass (not including penis mass, of course. That's a whole separate entity). Now, generally my calves are a good thing. For one thing, they make a good conversation piece. Like when I go to the movies, and people behind me angrily ask why they can't see the screen, and I inform them it's just my calves. Then they're like, "Oh, yeah. Wow." Then they move away. Also, I've always been pretty athletic, and am pretty capable at most sports, despite my lack of technical skill in any of them. Being able to run fast or for long distances makes up for a lot, I've found. Particularly in soccer, which involves a whole lot of running and kicking.

However, every once in awhile, the calves revolt, as massive calves are wont to do. Specifically, they cramp up. Let me tell you, that's fucking scary shit. Once I was in a swimming pool at a YMCA, just kinda swimming by myself after a long day. I was just about to get out of the pool when all the sudden one of my calves cramped up. I literally could not move. I damn near drowned. I pretty much had to drag myself over to the wall and pull myself out of the water all by hand. Then, in my senior year of high school, I was playing in a soccer tournament, and I had not had enough water to drink that morning. Well, halfway into the second half I was chasing down an opponent who tried to dribble down the sideline. The moment I caught him, BOTH of my calves cramped up. I hit the floor. I couldn't move. My legs extended straight out, completely rigid, while the guy took the ball all the way down and scored.

It hadn't happened for awhile, but last night I had our last indoor soccer game of the season. We got through the game, a 9-1 shellacking because we did not have any substitutes. In other words, all six of us had to play all 50 minutes with no breaks except at halftime. Soon as the game was over, I walked to the sideline and attempted to remove my shoe. Only to have my left calve attack in force. Again, I was practically paralyzed from the waist down. I had to have my teammates drag me and all of my belongings out of the bench, then help me stretch my leg for like 10 minutes until it finally relaxed.

You know, it's kinda like having this giant pitbull, all bad-ass and powerful, who walks beside me and guards me against evil. I feed it, I strengthen it, and I'm damn proud of it. But every once in awhile the bastard turns on me and bites a chunk out of my unsuspecting ass.

Lesson the First

2007-11-20T14:04:00.000-06:00

Things I've learned about the practice of criminal law so far:

1. Criminals make excellent return customers - Out of the approximately 20 clients I've had so far, most either start out with multiple cases or acquire an additional case (or 12) within a couple months.

2. DA's don't like to do any work - One of my clients had a preliminary hearing last week. When she had the audacity to go ahead with it rather than waive the hearing, the DA actually told that if she wanted the hearing he would go ahead and file another felony charge. True to his word, the bastard actually filed it. So, vindictive, lazy, or both?

3. Judges don't like criminals - Believe it or not. Especially those who commit 10 or more crimes, then whine when the judge wants them to sit in jail rather than on house arrest.

4. No one pays attention to motions - I'm still waiting on word regarding motions and demands I filed in September. I'm not keeping my fingers crossed. At this point, I feel like filing my "Motion to Dismiss Based on Imaginary Dragon," and see whether that gets me anywhere.

5. Criminals will lie to you - Either I'm an extremely trusting person, or my clients are damn convincing people. Either way, I've learned that every word a client says must be taken with a grain of salt that is approximately as large as your mom's hairy ass.

6. Caring about these people will ruin your life - Criminals or not, at the end of the day, they're just people. And people are sympathetic. Once you've heard their story, it's hard to say, "Yeah, you ought to sit in jail 'til your balls rot off." I don't like to see people lose their freedom, whether they deserve it or not. And when they do, I take it hard, as though I failed them somehow. Now I understand why criminal defense attorneys have to be assholes.

7. Disorderly Conduct can suck me - The most worthless statute I've ever seen in my life. It is the perfect law for prosecutors because absolutely any type of conduct they'd like to regulate can fall under 947.01. Let's break this bitch down a bit:
"Whoever, in a public or private place..." - This means it can occur anywhere on the face of the earth, including your own home.
"... engages in violent, abusive, indecent, profane, boisterous, unreasonably loud..." - Okay, so the law is limited to, well, pretty much any type of behavior when you're having a good time, including swearing, shouting, and cockslapping. But even if your particular behavior doesn't fall under one of those, it is still illegal if you can call it -
"...otherwise disorderly conduct..." - Otherwise disorderly? So, pretty much everything.
"... under circumstances in which the conduct tends to cause or provoke a disturbance." In other words, anything that provokes anyone in any way, or doesn't provoke someone but theoretically could, then it is illegal.
HOW THE FUCK IS THIS NOT OVERBROAD???

8. Being my own boss is as frightening as it is awesome - I set my own hours, I answer to no one. Bad-ass doesn't begin to describe that feeling. However, there is also no one to reign me in when I consider my "Motion to Dismiss Based on Imaginary Dragon" -type motions. No one to tell me that's a bad idea, or that I need to state certain things on the record, or that the outcome I'm looking for is probably illegal. It's just me. And it's kinda scary.

Well, anyway, that's what I've learned so far. Important lessons to take into my own business, where I shall continue my vendetta against disorderly conduct, file frivolous and outlandish motions, and try not to care when my clients (deservedly) go down in flames...

Favoritism

2007-11-15T13:34:00.000-06:00

So I watch a lot of television. That's no secret. I've already reviewed my favorite shows - Buffy, Angel, the West Wing, Firefly, Veronica Mars, Battlestar Galactica, Lost, Alias, Smallville (kinda), and Heroes. Also, though I never reviewed it, the new version of Dr. Who on the BBC (the first season, anyway - the next DVD's havent' arrived yet). After watching these shows over and over and over, I have compiled a list of my favorite episodes of all time. My favorites, mind you, not the best episodes ever. Although, I chose these episodes with an eye toward what I felt best represented the strengths of each series.

Major spoilers abound if you haven't watched these shows, of course. Also, many of these are two-part episodes, and I included both parts (even though, generally, part 2 is always better and more important) because that's how the story was told. These are in no particular order, and not a complete list yet. I will probably put up 15 or so, and I will update this list as soon as I decide on my other favorites.

That said, here we go:

- Doctor Who - The Parting of the Ways - Season 1, Episode 12

For those of you unfamiliar with this British phenomenon, Dr. Who is a time-traveller who ventures back and forth through time to save humanity from various dastardly villains. Chief among them are the Daleks, a ridiculous-looking yet still terrifying race of robots, whom the Doctor had supposedly wiped out during the Time War. After a season's worth of thrills with his new companions Captain Jack and would-be love interest Rose, the Doctor learns that not only are the Daleks back, but they have Rose captive and are about to invade earth. The Doctor faces a choice of whether to wipe out the Daleks once more and destroy every single being on earth in the process in order to save all the other planets from the inevitable Dalek invasion. Heavy stuff, and well-acted as ever by the gleefully manic and intense Christopher Eccleston (also Claude on Heroes) as the Doctor.

- Angel - Lullaby (pts 1 & 2) - Season 3, Episodes 8 & 9

This show featured a vampire with a soul who, after a life of ruthlessly and sadistically killing humans, chose to atone for his crimes by protecting people from demons. The theme of redemption was prevalent throughout the 5 season this show aired, and none moreso than Season 3. Just when Angel had gotten everything on track, and finally had a glimmer of happiness come into his life, his horrific past came back to haunt him. Two centuries prior, Angel and his vampiric love, Darla, had terrorized a noble demon hunter and killed his children. Now, through some mystical miracle, Angel was about to have a son of his own. Queue the return of the demon hunter, who made a deal with a demon to travel two centuries in the future to finally exact his revenge, arriving just when Angel's own son was about to be born. The final moments are breath-taking.

- West Wing - Posse Comitatus - Season 3, Episode 22

The brilliant political drama's third season finale found Jed Barlett in the midst of a presidential re-election campaign, and tackled the heavy question of whether it is acceptable to use force in the absence of authorizing law. For a man dedicated to serving the people and upholding the law, Bartlett found himself struggling with the question of how to deal with a known terrorist who was essentially above capture by legal or diplomatic means. This episode also presented Jed's face to face meeting with his opponent for president, as well as the shocking murder of CJ's secret service protector, with Jeff Buckley's haunting rendition of "Hallelujah" in the background.

- Firefly - Serenity (pts 1 & 2) - Season 1, Pilot

For some ungodly reason, the FOX executives decided that the original pilot for Firefly did not have enough action, so they decided to air it out of order, skipping this two-part episode and airing "Train Job" first. This, of course, was the worst decision ever made by anyone since Hitler decided to launch a winter invasion of Russia (itself the worst decision ever made by anyone since Napoleon tried the same thing). To me, the original pilot for Whedon's space opera still stands as a perfect encapsulment of the show. Plenty of action, plenty of character development, and so many classic moments, it felt like a mini-movie unto itself. Mal shooting the horse. Mal shooting the Alliance agent without any hesitation. Mal pretending that Kaylee had died, as a wicked practical joke on Simon. Absolutely perfect.

More to come...

The Perils of Hunting Cheney

2007-11-06T15:57:00.000-06:00

Here's to not knowing when to quit. Presidential candidate and noted leprechaun Dennis Kucinich has proposed a resolution to impeach Vice President Cheney. That resolution is now headed to the House Judiciary Committee for further deliberation. This impeachment resolution alleges "high crimes and misdemeanors" by Cheney in the events leading up to the Iraq war. For those of us who have been counting the minutes until the Bush/Cheney (debacle) ticket expires, this is great news, right?

Well, no. I'm not even talking about the fact that it won't work. Seriously, let's say it did - that Cheney was voted out on his ass. Big blow to the GOP, right? I mean, Bush is still in the high seat, but at least the devil on his shoulder is cast back to the pit where he belongs, right? If nothing else, it's a moral victory.

If I'm not mistaken, "moral victory" in this case would be about the equivalent of "Pyrrhic victory." Kicking Cheney out now won't do any good. We can't undo the past by tagging Cheney's fat ass. At this point, there is no point. Not only that, it could make things much, much worse.

What I'm more worried about, other than simply an empty victory, is the fact that the White House would need a new VP. That means some Republican would be elevated to the Vice Presidency. Is this what we want, now, at the beginning of a presidential election campaign when the GOP really doesn't have all that strong of a front-runner? It's still damn early in the campaign - anything can happen at this point. So forcing the current VP out runs the risk of elevating another stalwart Republican with eyes on the nation's throne into an executive office position of leadership. Good idea.

Now, say what you will about the whether there's actual power in the VP position. I don't think the VP's such an empty shirt role anymore. What more evidence do you need that the VP position has real power than Cheney? If he were just some guy waiting for the President to die so he could take the starting spot, would people really be out for blood right now trying to bring him down?

Maybe the GOP doesn't have anyone ready who could step into the VP spot, and would also be a legitimate presidential candidate. But I don't think that's a risk worth taking to find out. I say if you want a change in leadership, swallow the bitter pill of waiting for this one to expire and concentrate your efforts on ensuring that something better replaces them.

Felons!!

2007-11-02T15:03:00.000-06:00

Vice just picked up his first felony (client) today. Preliminary Hearing set for Thursday morning. First evidentiary hearing I've had since I entered the defense game.

Also, I'll start posting more soon. I've been working much harder than I'd care to lately, leaving me little time. I'm readying a list of top 10-15 favorite television episodes, though. Be warned.

Vice Law Offices, S.C. : Serving Your Mom Since 2007

2007-10-25T21:52:00.000-06:00

Well it's official - no one wants to hire me. That's fine. I say screw you guys, I'm going home. By "home," I am of course referring to my own business. I'm sorry it's come to this, but it had to happen sooner or later. So here's to being my own boss, setting my own hours, and hopefully working with a bad-ass partner.

25

2007-10-15T10:48:00.000-06:00

Well, that was one bad-ass quarter of a century. It's a pretty amazing thing to be able to look back and say that each year has been better than the year before it, but that's where I'm at right now. And although the traditional Devil's Lake hiking trip didn't happen due to some inappropriately scheduled rain, the weekend was pretty sweet. Except, of course, for the ass-whipping the Bager received. But after that - a trip through a giganimous corn maze with Mr. Ismael, Dr. Utah, and Ms. PH, which was awesome. Then we played Dread Pirate, a game which basically consists of pillaging, skirmishing, and mounds of gold.

Yesterday, the assembled Superfriends (minus RPM and The San Who Shall Not Be Named, unfortunately) ate breakfast at Bluephies, played indoor minigolf at Vitense, played a massive game of RISK, watched the Packers defeat some sort of Indian tribe, and ate Butterfinger cake and ice cream. Then I spent some quality time with a bad-ass hippopotamus, read a (muh'fuckin') book, watched some Buffy, and called it a night.

The only downside about 25ism? No more health care. Assholes.

On the plus side, I can run for Congress now if I get bored doing other stuff.

Burn!

2007-10-10T13:45:00.001-06:00

I called Charter today to see if they could help fix our internet connection, because we've had little to no signal for nearly a week. So when I get on the phone with the lady and give her my information, the first thing she says is "You're going to have to give me a moment, my computer's being slow."

I was this close to responding, "Ah, I see you also have Charter."