Resolution

The list of new Mock Trial members is up, and I'm not on it. To be honest, I'm a lot more disappointed that I thought I'd be. Granted, I knew the chances weren't good, and just trying out was fun in itself, but....as much as I tried not to, I still had gotten my hopes up. After struggling for awhile to find my place at law school, I finally felt like I found something I wanted to be part of, and maybe I could be. Psych.

But that settles one thing -- I'm through looking to this school for validation. If I'm going to do well in the law, I'm going to have to do it the old fashioned way - - Guns.

Beefcake, beefcake!!!

Peep this classic exchange from the first season of South Park:

Stan: Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.

Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.

Stan: Dolphins are way smarter than you!

Cartman: If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?

Stan: Dolphins don't live in igloos, that's eskimos!

Cartman: Dolphins, eskimos, who cares?! It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap!

My views exactly.

There Goes the Neighborhood

Anyone see Pat Buchanon on the Daily Show last night? If you had, you would have seen a true American patriot. A true American patriot interviewing the reactionary, xenophobic, crazy-ass factist-extraordinaire Pat Buchanon, exposing his insanity for all to see. He was out pimping his new book detailing his plan to combat illegal immigration, which basically includes two 10-12 foot fences with a road running between them. Now, at first he seemed damn near lucid, admitting that the Mexican immigrants were only looking for work, and that for those already in the country, we should help make them real American citizens.

However, this is where the veil of crazyness inevitably falls off. Patty's plan of naturalizing these immigrants involves making them learn English, introducing them to American culture, and teaching them our "history," with specific emphasis on traditional American heroes (Custer? McCarthy?). Sound familiar? A bit like the 19th century "Americanization" we performed on the Native Americans. And look how well that turned out - there aren't any Native Americans left. So, perfect approach to the new problem...if you hate Mexicans, that is.

When Stewart questioned the validity (sanity?) of this plan, Buchanon explained its importance - - the Mexican gov't is conspiring to take over America through illegal immigration. They already consider the southwestern portion of the US to be part of Mexico. They'll be making their dirty way into the U.P. any day now. Just imagine, they'll have their stinkin' enchiladas and unclean water all up in our shiznit before you know it.

But by far the craziest thing I heard all night was when Stewart continued to prod Buchanon about why this approach is needed, and Buchanon had this pearl of wisdom: "The Indians had a liberal immigration policy, and look how it worked for them." SNAP! He totally just said that.

You know, we all used to think it was hilarious, but pretty soon we'll all be shouting that battle cry, all across the United States of Meximerica - - "Dey Tuk Ir Jabs!!"

Posse Up

As of 3:37 pm CST, I'm officially putting a posse together. The goals of this posse will be to march upon Best Buy on the east side of Madison and level the building and its inhabitants using any and all forms of weaponry and other destructive equipment. While we will leave the building in a heap of smoldering ash stained with the blood of its employees generally, we will particularly target the so-called "Geek Squad," for their repeated atrocities against mankind, meaning me.

For those of you already preparing your arsenals and applying the warpaint, and who do not require a deliniation of these crimes, you can stop reading now, and continue about your business. For the rest of you, let me break it down like this: I have already mentioned what happened with my old laptop, the cd drive, and the replacement computer they gave me. I was understandably perturbed at the fact that a fair portion of my data had been lost when they simply chose to replace my computer without informing me and destroying the old one, but I felt the benefits of a new computer outweighed anything I may have lost. So, on that day I foolishly decided to show mercy upon Best Buy, and signed an armistice with them, agreeing not to unleash the Mongol hordes. I had thought their treachery at an end.

However, I was mistaken. I received a call one week later informing me that my old hard drive had been recovered, and that I could have the data backed up. I authorized him to go ahead and back it up, charge me for it, and send it back. A few days later I went to the store to pick up what they had sent back. It was not, as I expected, the backup discs, but rather the hard drive itself. Okay, thanks, but what the hell was I supposed to do with it - plug it into my ass and burn my own backup discs? So I gave it back, asked them to back it up, and charged $160 to my credit card. I returned the next day to receive the discs. I took the discs home, put them into my computer, and discovered that all of the files were in some extension I couldn't open. Again, less than helpful. They used a compression program, which I understand, because that was a shitload of data. My problem was they failed to tell me this, and gave me the finished product in a format there was no way for me to use. I tried everything I could to open them, including downloading some program purporting to handle those files. Of course, the program was in German. My Nazi dialects not being what they used to, I was spurned again.

So I went back to Best Buy the next day, asking for them to back up my data in a way that would let me access it. No problem, says they. I leave for Oshkosh, and return the next day. This is four trips in four days, mind you. I pick up the discs they have for me. Guy wants to charge me another $160; had he not conferred with another geek whom I'd dealt with in one of my previous thousand trips, he would have felt the full weight of a skull-crushing cockslap across his bitch-ass mouth, and then nothing at all. Having avoided this inconvenience, I retrieved my discs without further incident and returned home. On the way out, the guy said "Have a nice day," or something similar. I turned to Kristin and quipped "See you tomorrow."

Which brings me to 3:30 pm CST today. I insert the discs into my computer. Same file extensions. Same inability to open the files. And guess what? SAME EXACT DISCS. Now, maybe it was my naivete in taking what they gave me and assuming any level of basic competence - - maybe I should have opened it up and checked everything out for myself before taking it home. But I chose to place the blame on their shoulders for being incompetent beyond all possible belief, rather than me for not simply taking their incompetence for granted and complaining before I knew there was a problem. But, sure enough, about the only thing these discs are capable of doing is informing me that they were created on Thursday night, the 21st, instead of any day this weekend.

Thus we arrive at tonight's bit of raping and pillaging. Anyone who's down, gather your war hammers, morningstars, shoulder-mounted missiles, and jagged sporks, and meet me in the parking lot of the east side Best Buy. Show up late, and all you'll find is the mushroom cloud.

Give That Man a Microphone

I gave Mock Trial another tryout last night, and I'd say it went pretty well. Very well, actually. Probably not well enough to make the team, though. Only 15 out of the 90 that tried out will make it, and I'm not that optimistic. After all, last year I thought I rocked it, and it turns out I missed some pretty crucial info in my argument, so I deserved to miss that one. Plus, that's the way it seems to work here for me. I've been so disjointed from the whole law scene while I've been here, not really participating in anything, not really enjoying the law, getting relatively substandard grades and not really caring, etc - but since the Prosecution Project experience this summer, I've kinda had a revival in interest. I know there's something I want to do with the law now at least, so I thought I'd give it another shot.

And whether or not I make it, I had a good-ass time. Basically I just stood up in front of two people in tiny room and gave an 8 minute closing argument, but I had a blast. That's the way it's always been for me with public speaking, and I don't know why. Everyone that knows me knows I don't say very much in real life. I'm not outgoing, never have been. I'm not the life of the party-type, and I never will be. But public speaking - be it speeches, trials, or acting - that I get into pretty hardcore.

That's why I loved prosecuting - - so much speaking, so little to do with the law. We got stacks and stacks of files which we hadn't read, walked into court, and started handling cases. We spoke to defendants, we spoke to defense attorneys, and we spoke on the record, most of the time with only a limited idea of what was happening in each case. Of course, each case fits into one category or another, and if you know how to deal with that category, you can deal with pretty much anything, so we weren't just talking out of our collective ass. And whenever something came up with real legal research, it was actually a refreshing change of pace. Then there's the stuff you actually prepare for, the trials, the motions, the hearings, etc. Those are even more fun.

Once again, it all comes down to getting up and running off at the mouth. Maybe I'm better cut out for acting or standup comedy. I'd probably enjoy it more. But then, with this, I'd get a respectable job title, all the jaw-flapping I could want, plus the occasional trip into serious law. Plus, you can still be funny in court, and then it's even more fun because it's so unexpected in such a formal setting.

So...whatever, give me law. I'll roll with this, at least until I get disbarred. Then it's on to acting. Or politics. Or homelessness. Anywhere I can ramble to my fellow bums, I'm down.

Pardon Me While I Overthrow the Government

Hot off the presses, it appears the government of Thailand has been overthrown in a military coup. The armed forces and the police combined to declare martial law in Bangkok, then proceeded to overthrow the democratically elected Prime Minister. The commander of the armed forces put out a statement, in which he succinctly told the populace what happened. Then, like any hard-bitten military commander, he apologized for any inconvenience this development may have caused the people.

Let me be the first to ask this question - - What the fuck?? Who takes over a country by force and then apologizes for any potential nuisances this little military junta may have caused?

Come on dude, you just stormed the castle and seized power. You gotta own that shit.

No, Your Face Does Not Exist

Alright Martinez, so I tried to comment on your tv post this morning, and every time I tried, an error message came back. So I thought fine, maybe it was just the network at school. I tried again at home, and this time I got a new message:

"Somehow, the entry you tried to comment on does not exist"

So you tell me, what in the good goddamn is going on with your site? When I read a post, then decide to comment, I generally assume that the post I'm commenting on, at the very least, is in existence. Imagine how distressing it was for me to find out that the post I was commenting on was, in fact, just a hallucination from my addled mind, and that I was merely responding to my own hallucination.

Fix your site, for the love of christ.

We Shall Overcome

Diversity is always a controversial subject in the law school. The implementation of our diversity policy into the application process for journals and other competitive organizations has created a visceral debate between those who believe a culturally and ethnically diverse student body is essential to the learning process, while others believe diversity is an irrelevent consideration, and that only the student's merit and academic qualifications should matter. Personally, I don't think the fact that someone is a Tibetan transexual albino mormon aboriginie should make them any more qualified to participate in these organizations than a good old-fashioned American transexual albino mormon aboriginie, or any other permutation of the labels. I'm very proud of my Afrocasian roots, but I wouldn't like to think I find a position in a student organization, or win a scholarship, or find a job over another qualified candidate because of my blackitude. But that's just me.

I know I'm a little late to this debate, and I'm really not trying to rekindle it. I'm not particularly angry about the present state of affairs, but certain things bother me. For instance, the amount of "Minority ____" that are offered right now. Minority scholarships. Minority fellowships. Minority job fairs. Minority Subway Sandwhich offers. After awhile, you can't help but feel left out. There aren't many minority groups I belong to. There is no Men's Law Student Association, no Cracker Law for me, no Hetero-Law, no National Association for the Advancement of Ninjas. And why should there be? Men and Whitey and Heterosexuals have little problem advancing their cause. The same goes without saying for Ninjas. But still - I want to join something, but where can I join?

There is one minority group I am a card-carrying member of; one group alone to whom I can pledge my proud support of. We are perhaps the smallest minority group in the law school; our ranks are dismally thin. We enter the building, and we are surrounded by our oppressors. With their mind-blowing arrogance, long-winded and often fallacious legal analysis, and irrational hatred of all things good and decent in this world, they look down at us like we don't deserve to pick the lint off their pretty pink shirts. We've held secret meetings informally, we complain about our plight and our tormentors. Our cause is just, and our conviction is firm. But every day we face this sense of crushing defeat, as it seems with every new recruiting class, our numbers will dwindle to extinction.

Fuck it. Consider this a call to arms. Let's make this official, and take our organization public. Call it what you want: the Non-Douchebag Law Students Association. The League of the Anti-Douche. The name's not important. The message is all that matters. We will not be silenced. Hell, we've already got an army - the Community Justice Commandoes, and they never sleep.

Non-douchebags: the silent minority no longer.

Armistice

My battle with Best Buy has all but resolved itself, and for the most part, resolved itself satisfactorily for both parties. The terms of our ceasefire are as follows: I agreed not to raze their building to the ground in a burning conflagration of defective products and incompetent employees, and they gave me a new laptop. Somehow, fixing the old one would have cost $1200, so they cashed it and allowed me to get a new one for free. I don't know how it would it have cost that much to repair, unless every single piece of the thing was malfunctioning (a distinct possibility), but that's the deal. I did have to buy a new services agreement, so I had to drop another $250. Technically I didn't "have" to buy this, but the fact that I had to take my last computer in for repairs roughly 9.4 billion times over a 26 month period convinced me this would be cheaper, and plus I can just trade up again when this one inevitably goes to shit, this Thursday.

Of course, I didn't escape completely unscathed. I had opted not to back up my harddrive when I took it in before, because they said all that was wrong was the CD drive. I had saved my most important files on discs shortly before the drive malfunctioned, so I didn't lose much in the way of documents. But all of my music files are lost, as well as some pictures, and the documents I made over the summer at my job. The Best Buy worker informed me it was always a possibility that when you take a computer in for repairs, they might have to wipe your hard drive. Thus I felt it fair to inform him that in the future, it was always a possibility that when I take my computer in for repairs, I might have to wipe that patronizing smirk off his face with a rusty scythe.

Other positives from this agreement - I will no longer be using the 1852 model Gateway with no internet/windows/electrical capabilities. On the downside, I won't get to annoy the shit out of people in class with the buzzsaw noises it made upon turning on, shutting off, and other random moments during class. I honestly liked that noise; it gave the impression that my inappropriately loud computer was more important that anything the professors or students might have to say, which is a message I'm more than comfortable sending.

This also means I will have regular internet access again, which should allow me to post more often, as well as use instant messaging again, and swiftly replenish my lost stock of illegally downloaded music and/or eel porn.

Say What?

"The police don’t get to just randomly help themselves to your bodily fluids."

- Quoted from Professor Lavigne in today's 4th, 5th, and 6th amendment class.

Rollin'

Here's a rundown of my classes: Police in a Free Society - a new topic for me, and it appears somewhat challenging. Beyond that, I've got the wacky jungle safari (African Law), which pretty much appears to involve reading Cliff's book, and quite possibly nothing to do with the law. How the hell he's going to grade that class, I have no idea. After that, I've got one class (Criminal Litigation) that looks entirely like review of things I already know, which is surprising because I generally try not to learn much here. But when we're discussing the basic attributes of preliminary hearings and I already argued several in court, the material seems less than challenging. Then there's the Prosecution Project's version of Personal Responsibility, which I'm told is pretty much a blow-off class where we talk about our summer experience. And my final class, 4th 5th and 6th amendments, should be pretty demanding, but it is also going to help tremendously with my job, because that's a lot of what I'm dealing with there. For example, today I really struggled trying to write a memo because I couldn't quite sort out the issues well enough to put them on paper. Then I got home, pulled out my textbooks, and read a chapter which gave me all of the law I needed to sort things out. Now I can go back, blast out the memo, and get paid good money for it.

As for next semester, I'll finally deal with T&E. However, I'm told by several reliable sources that if you read the books, do the problems, and know the statutes, you don't have to go to class, and the exam is cake. Plus, I've already heard another class I wanted to take is obscenely easy. That leaves two more schedule fillers, and room for something I'd actually enjoy taking (Literature, Creative Writing, Golf?) just for fun.

Reminds me of the old addage -

Do you know what sucks about being a 3L?

Fiending

Playing Dr. Mario head-to-head has roughly the same addictive effect of smoking crack laced with chocolate and injected with nicotine.