I Hate Crappy Weather, Except When it Totally Works in My Favor

I hate snow. I hate snow so bad I'd like to spend an afternoon taking every single snowflake in existence and stabbing it with a trident. It makes driving, one of my favorite pasttimes, a complete hassle. Moreover, driving is such a necessity for me - I drive everywhere, all the time, and when it snows, driving becomes nearly impossible for me. My car literally can't make it up a small, unplowed incline. When I sit at a poorly plowed intersection, I can't just accelerate into my lane. I sit there and spin my wheels, then realize I have to wait for the next round of cars to pass before I can go. 10 minute drives become 30 minute drives, and 30 minute drives become fuckin' eternity. I hate snow.

So I was supposed to do some work today, then grab PH and jump in the car and drive 3 hours through the stupid snow to go to Aurora, Illinois to see PH's family for Christmas Eve. Of course, 3 hours in the snow would become 4 hours pretty quickly, and my patience would run out probably 15 minutes into the drive, and that would be that. Instead, since the stupid snow made even attempting the drive a near impossibility, I got to spend the day doing a little final Christmas shopping, buying myself some comic books, working on the 2nd draft of my book, having dinner with PH at our apartment, watching 5 episodes of 30 Rock on dvd, drinking wine, exchanging presents, eating ice cream, and NOT having to drive 4 hours through the snow.

No offense whatsoever to PH's family, because I would have loved to see them. But still.

God, I love the snow.

Quote of the Day

"But really, I'm fed up with the entire warlock community bitching about how fucked we are right now."

Tarknin: the New Quidditch

I had many dreams last night, some frustrating, some resulting in my death, some just oddly amusing. But there was one that was completely badass. Allow me to present the next great American past time:

Tarknin.

Tarknin is essentially a cross between hockey and lumberjacking. There is a circular arena with three teams and three large goals. There are no goalies. There are also no balls or pucks of any kind. No, Tarknin uses timber. I'm talking actual tree logs, varying in size. There are several logs on the arena at any given time. Each player has a staff or other object, and we use these staffs to corral the logs and propel them towards the goal. Every goal is worth two points.

In my dream, I got to play this game with and against friends for maybe ten minutes, and let me tell you, it was fan-fucking-tastic. And not just because I scored, launching a fifteen foot log across the arena and into our goal. The whole thing was just plain fun.

And more than that, after the game we all devised a sort of program for our Tarknin league. And when I say "we," I pretty much mean Mr. Utah designed the program. Accordingly, each player had a picture in the guide resembling themselves in the style of a World of Warcraft character. We each had badass nicknames, and some of us were depicted riding three of the four horses of the apocalypse. Only, one of them was a actually flaming orange firebear named "Hell."

Bottom line: football is for pussies.

Health Food

Made the trip back to O-Town for Thanksgiving with my family. I've got a pretty small family, and many of them are in Florida this time of year, but there were more relatives in attendance than I had expected. That was a pleasant surprise.

My favorite part of Thanksgiving with my family may have been baking cookies. Dad had the great idea of having me, the fiancee, and my parents spend a couple hours after dinner making Christmas cookies. It was a nice activity, good chance to talk about wedding plans and everything else. But the cookies themselves left a bit to be desired. Being an avid cookie dough fiend, I sampled a little piece during the construction, and detected a distinct lack of sweetness. Now, I'm also a raging sugarholic, so lack of sugar to me is a pretty meaningless concept. So I didn't mention it to my parents, and continued on with the rolling and cutting. The dough was being a bit problemmatic in that regard, but eventually we got several trays of cookies done and into the oven.

But then the cookies came out of the oven, and one got eaten. Turns out I was right. Not a single cookie had even a smidge of sugar. Even slathering them with radioactive frosting couldn't save them.

Ultimately the entire batch made its way into the garbage. Only the frosting survived.

So you learn something new every day. I, for instance, now know how to make sugar-free Christmas cookies.

Acts of War

Just when you thought the ceaseless, seemingly never-ending cycle of war and violence was about to end, Axl Rose comes along and launches an all-out assault on China.

The blame lies with all of us, really. The signs were all there, but we just too naive. I mean, the reports have been coming out for over seventeen years. Everyone said Axl Rose was working on something devastating, and China would be the target. I, for one, didn't believe it. I thought it was a myth. He had been underground for so long. Every once in awhile, a new report of progress came out. I figured he was just blustering, like all those other world powers who retire and fade into the sunset, but fire off some jingoistic comments every now and then to keep their rep alive. Axl Rose didn't have that kind of power anymore, I was sure of it.

Boy, was I wrong. Out of nowhere, Axl finally launched "Chinese Democracy." And the effects have been devastating. China has denounced it has a "venemous attack," claiming that Guns 'N Roses had "turned its spear point on China," and that this was part of a plot to "grasp and control the world."

As of 7:00 eastern standard time, nearly 45 million Chinese have been killed and another 760 million wounded as a result of this shameless and unprovoked attack.

Return of a Classic

Saturday Night Live has always been one of my favorite television shows. As I've mentioned, the show inspired me to spend endless hours of high school and undergrad writing, acting and producing my own amateur version of SNL with my friends, and eventually go on to do the same in the Law Revue show at law school. The show has been on since the mid-70's and the quality has always varied dramatically from year to year, even episode to episode. Every once in awhile, a new cast of new up-and-coming comedians breathed fresh life into the show. Inevitably those stars left for bigger and better things, and the show stagnated. For every John Belushi and Chris Farley and Will Ferrell there was an Anthony Michael Hall and Chris Elliott and Chris Kattan. And since the depatures of Ferrell and Tina Fey, the show's ebb and flow has pretty much just ebbed.

However, I'm extremely pleased to say that the past couple of seasons have brought a bit of a renaissance, with fresh actors, fresh writing, and genuinely funny sketches. Sure, the 2008 election was a huge boon to the show, as Fey returned to do a viciously funny Sarah Palin, and the other actors playing the major political players (Hillary, McCain, Obama, and Biden) were all pretty spot-on. The joint press conference with Palin and Hillary, where Palin aw-shucksed her way into the contention for the white house, while Hillary practically frothed at the mouth over her oblivious counterpart taking her spotlight, was particularly hilarious.

But it's more than that. Not only have the political sketches been sparking lately, but the rest of the sketches have been pretty damn funny too. For instance, Christopher Walken's latest appearance provided a slew of quality sketches, including the gardener who was very scared of plants, as well as the Walken family reunion. The cast, though comprised of relatively unknowns, is pretty well-rounded with funny performers. Jason Sudekis, Bill Hader (a key player in the Judd Apatow comedies), Kristen Wiig, and Will Forte have all made great additions to the cast. The latest episode (first one post-election) was hosted by Paul Rudd, and the results were still pretty funny. With this type of format, there's always going to be a few great sketches, a few terrible sketches, and the majority in the middle as hit-or-miss. But even those hit-or-miss sketches have been more hit than miss lately.

Among my favorites -

Kristen Wiig's "Judy Grimes" travel-writer character who appears on Weekend Update, who speaks in a nervous, rapid-fire way, repeatedly adding "just kidding" to every statement, which ends up being a lot funnier than it sounds.

Beyonce attempts to shoot a music video to "Single Girls," but is extremely creeped out by her new back-up dancers, played by Justin Timberlake, Andy Samberg, and Bobby Moynihan - three dudes (obviously) wearing little black dresses and high heels.

An untitled series of sketches with four guys who reminisce about an old song, then talk about how it reminds them of some absurdly perverse memory, then they all go on singing as though it's perfectly normal. My favorite exchange:

Will: Well... I'll tell you who this song reminds me of.
Amie: Amie!
Bill: No -- Courtney.
Buddies: Aw, come on!
Bill: Did you finally ask her out?
Will: I did. I remember this song was playing that night. and I finally worked up the nerve to talk to her, and she just stonewalled me. And I said, "What's wrong?" and she said she could never go out with me. I asked why, and she said, "I found out you're a pedophile." And I was, like, "A pedophile? A pedophile?! That's a pretty big word for a ten year-old!"

Who knows how long the upswing will last, of course, but for now I'm digging me some SNL for the first time in a long time.

In Defense of the Thong Song

I've got a bone to pick with Charlie's Worst Song in the World competition. The competition pitted Tiny Tim's "Tiptoe through the Tulips" against Sisqo's "Thong Song," for the unenviable title of worst song ever. The link I provided has clips for each to help you decide. I can't find any information on this competition, other than these two songs squared off for #1 in terms of pure audio feces. I don't know if there were other songs in competition and these two made it to the finals, or if the station took a poll, or if someone just picked these two.

Whatever their methods, it appears that "Tiptoe" has pulled into a commanding lead, 67-33. Rightfully so, in my opinion. After listening to that song for the first time, I had to shut it off almost immediately because I could feel my internal organs on the verge of shredding themselves in protest. I literally felt nauseous for the next 10 minutes. I don't think I've ever had such a strong physical reaction to music before. I've read a series of fantasy books where a composer stumbled upon music that could be arranged in a way so as to kill all of the listeners, and I'm pretty sure that was based on this song.

By contrast, and I know I'll draw some heat for this, but "Thong Song" doesn't even remotely qualify as the worst song ever. Sure, the topic is ridiculous and banal. Sure the lyrics are simplistic and repetitive. I'll be the first to admit, "Dumps like a truck, truck, truck, Thighs like what, what, what" is straight up fucking retarded. And yes, the overall result is annoying beyond reproach, especially considering how overplayed it was for a dark period in history.

But I believe it has at least some positive attributes, which is more than can be said for songs like "Tulips" and a few others that come to mind. For example, strip away all of the lyrics and singing, and the song has a decent Timbaland-esque arrangement to it. In particular, I can appreciate the use of the violin melody, because at least it is a break from some of the painfully monotonous and uninspired beats that plagues modern R&B and hip hop. Most of the shit today has little more than a drum beat and a terrible rapper and/or singer. This has a flippin' violin. I have to give props for that.

Also, Sisqo has some pipes. Forgot the drivel that he's saying for a moment, listen to his voice. Especially compared to today's flavor-of-the-month R&B singers. You'll notice a stark difference: he doesn't sound like a robot chipmunk (I'm looking at you, T-Pain and Ne-Yo. For a related note, see this amusing video about the relationship between T-Pain and his vocoder.) Sisqo actually sounds like a person when he sings. More than that, he's a good-ass singer.

Well...that about exhausts the list of positive attributes for this song. Still, it's way out of the "Tulips" league, and definitely not the 2nd worst song ever.

No, my friends, the 2nd worst song ever is Federline's ode to d-baggery, "Popozao." This transcends even the "awesomely bad" label (see "Ice Ice Baby" or "Rock Lobster") and moves straight into terribly, horribly, atrociously bad territory.

Still, it's no "Tip Toe through the Tulips," and that's saying a lot.

NOANSWERS

As I was telling Ismael the other day, I really think the slogan "NOBAMA" is pretty much the quintessence of the McCain campaign, and a good indication of why he will and should lose the election. I've been following the election pretty closely, from the primaries to the conventions to the final weeks. I've seen countless advertisements, read hundreds of articles and polls, and watched all the debates (except the VP debate, since only one side chose to engage in actual debate). Having witnessed all of this, "NOBAMA" is the best that McCain can come up with to answer the question of why he should be president. And I think that's pretty sad.

Some amount of negative campaigning is always to be expected at this level. Some of the attacks are bound to be nasty and personal. The campaigns, and the candidates in particular, can't always be held at fault for the things that get said. But to a greater extent, campaigns should be about why one candidate should be elected, and not why the other candidate shouldn't. Before you can start tearing down your opponent, you need a clear, resounding answer to why you should be president. McCain started that way, touting his experience, and rightfully so. The man has undeniably impressive credentials.

But as soon as Obama began his meteoric rise on the winds of "Change," suddenly McCain co-opted the theme, and proclaimed himself the candidate of change. Okay, that's a little murkier, considering McCain largely supports the same agenda as Bush did. But McCain does have some notable policy differences from Bush the Lesser, so voters could let that one slide. The title of "Maverick" was well-earned over McCain's many years in public service, so I was willing to cut him a little slack on that, despite his recent forays into far-right rather than center-right. The man's got to appeal to his base, so some of that was to be expected.

And at first glance, the selection of Palin as his running mate seemed to bolster that idea pretty handily. If there is one thing she's accomplished in her short career in public service (there is -- I've counted. Exactly one thing, in fact...), then it's bucking the establishment. Of course, calling them "The Original Mavericks" was a pretty ridiculous stretch, considering Maverick from Top Gun was around a hell of a lot longer than Palin, but whatever. All in all, McCain made a pretty successful attempt at taking the change mantle from his opponent.

Then reality set in. Palin proved to be grossly underqualified. McCain's (new) true colors began to bleed through, particularly in the debates. While Obama began to convince independants that he had the chops and the knowledge necessary to be commander-in-chief, McCain did little to distinguish himself from Bush. Truth be told, other than McCain's respect for the constitution, there weren't many.

And over the past month, the campaign has shifted toward a ratification of Obama rather than a choice between two equally adept candidates. The question has become whether Obama is ready rather than who would make a better president. And since Obama's performance has been uniformly steady if not spectacular, McCain can't win like that.

Since he can't rise above Obama, he's got to try to tear him down with fear tactics. Ooh look - he's got questionable associations. He knows a guy who was a domestic terrorist thirty years ago. He must be a terrorist too. He went to a church where the pastor recently made some pretty incendiary anti-America remarks. He must feel the same way. His middle name is "Hussein," just like that dictator from Iraq. He must be a Muslim extremist.

Or the McCain supporters will just ridicule Obama's accomplishments. The mocking comments by Guliani and Palin regarding Obama's past as a community organizer were breathtakingly disrespectful, not just to Obama but to the thousands and thousands of Americans who hold similar positions and try to make positive differences in their communities. It's a sad day when major political candidates go on national TV and mock the public service efforts of their opponents. Notice that after Palin's blithely idiotic remarks, you didn't see anyone close to Biden or Obama getting up and mocking Palin for being mayor of a town of 8 people and governer of a state with 12 people. The comedy shows in the tank for Obama may have done that, but certainly not the candidate or any public servants that support him.

So when I'm driving around and see signs that say "NOBAMA," I'm both saddened at what the McCain campaign has devolved into, and heartened by the fact that none of these attacks are working. And well they shouldn't. McCain's campaign has effectively limited him to being the "not Obama" candidate. That's a bit like being "anyone but Bush," a phrase I heard a lot from democrats during the 2004 campaign. Unfortunately for McCain, that strategy doesn't work when your opponent is actually popular, much less wildly popular as Obama has become.

So go on, keep telling us about how you're not Obama. That just underscores why most of the country won't be voting for you.

Look Up at the Sky - Not a Bird, Not a Plane, It's...Ew.

Picture this, if you will. You're hard at work studying, with your nose buried in a book, and your mind on the upcoming exam. Completely oblivious to the world around you, you suddenly realize that something just touched your hand. You didn't see where it came from -- there's no one around. It's not a fly or a bug. Instead, when you look at your hand, you see a little drop of liquid. It's not raining or snowing -- you're indoors. You can't imagine where there would be water coming from. But it looks transparent like water. Not completely transparent, though. There's just a hint of white. Almost a creamy...

Oh shit.

A sinking feeling hits you. It can't be...

That's right. You just got phantom splooged.

What's hysterical about this is that the facility manager says they've had a history of such behavior and they're worried about a resurgence. Really? You've got a history of mischievious people on the upper floors shooting their wads onto unsuspecting students?

Times sure have changed since I was in school.

Implosion

Apparently Wisconsin's football teams have begun their slow descent into hell. First the Packers lost to the Cowboys. Then the Badgers went up big before blowing it against Michigan. Then the Packers sucked it up against the Buccaneers. Then the Badgers blew it against Ohio State. Then the Packers blew goats against the Falcons. Then the Badgers got forcibly raped by Penn State.

What's next - the Packers get beat by 150 against Seattle? The Badgers lose to a Pop Warner football team?

Christ, guys. Pull it together.

"Don't Bring Enough Unless You're Going to Share With The Thing..."

It's official. Going to see Electric Six again. Awesome.

FYI, the title of this post comes from Mr. Ismael's comment to Mr. RPM after RPM bought a ticket, but had the audacity not to purchase everyone else's tickets as well.

Make sense of it if you can...

Sometimes You Win Two

Fresh off my unmitigated victory in a reconfinement hearing, last week I won my first revocation hearing ever. It was a pretty solid win for me, considering (a) the guy committed a new crime and admitted to it, (b) he had already been given a second chance (ATR) and screwed up again, (c) I didn't even have a viable alternative to revocation available, and (d) if revoked, the guy would have automatically gone back to prison for a year and a half.

Apparently I found the only ALJ who listens to reason and common sense. Also, one who buys into the "Come on..." argument.

For my next trick? Maybe I'll watch Heroes and chill for a bit.

Engage!

This will undoubtedly come as a complete shock those of you who know me, but Ms. Purple Haze and I are now engaged. I produced the one ring on Thursday, October 2, and she graciously accepted.

For those of you dying to know (ie none of you), the proposal occurred at the San Diego Zoo, in front of the hippo tank. If that sounds random to you, it means a lot to us. For one thing, hippos are blood brothers with ninjas until the end of space and time. And these particular hippos live in a sweet tank, one that doesn't even leak.

Bottom line - your old pal Vice has a fiancee, and couldn't be happier. Look upon the ring at your own peril, as you may be blinded by the side diamonds.

Sometimes You Win One

When I tell people I work in criminal defense, one question I often get is "How many cases have you won?" I have a hard time trying to explain that in this line of work, "winning" is a relative term. It can refer to the number of trials won, or the number of times a case has been outright dismissed - no deals, no negotiating, just a clean win. If you count just those two categories, than the answer is very, very few. Throw in the number of times I get a result that the client is happy with, the number goes up. Count the ones where I at least get a better result for the client than if they went without counsel, the number goes even higher.

Overall, however, it's a losing fight. And it should be, of course, because it's criminal defense, and the vast majority of people are guilty and don't have a defense. Still, getting to know these people, getting to understand why they do what they do, fighting for them - it's a rough business because no matter what you do, you're probably going to lose.

Nowhere is this more true than in the probation/parole revocation situation. You've got a person who has already been convicted and placed on probation, and is now accused of doing something else, so the Department of Corrections want to lock them up. The revocation context is almost impossible to deal with because these people don't get the same rights anymore. Revocation hearings are not trials. Evidence not normally admissible at trial because it would violate the client's rights is suddenly fair game. The burden of proof is much lower. The judge is not a judge, but an "administrative law judge," which is code for an attorney who doesn't like your guy and has no interest in what you have to say on your guy's behalf. I've had about 8 of these things, and I haven't won a single one.

Reconfinement hearings are even worse. This is where the probationer or parolee has already been revoked, and the only question is how long to lock them up for. They're going to jail or prison. That's it. There is no "winning" here. It's damn depressing.

So the other day I had a reconfinement hearing with a guy who I really felt for. He was on supervision, and he absconded. In other words, he completely left the state, for over a year, without telling his parole agent. Usually they take off because either (a) they broke the law and don't want to get caught, (b) they get stressed out because they don't have money because they don't get a job because...etc, etc., or (c) they got drunk/high and wandered off.

This guy, on the other hand, took off because he got shot in the head, and then he got jumped by the same people a little later. So I've got him asking me to have the judge let him out, because he took off for fear of his own life. I've got his family literally screaming at me because they don't think I'm doing my job well enough. I've got a DA and a probation agent who want to lock him up for at least another year. And the judge?

Well, the State set out its argument, the Agent gave his side of things, and then I made my argument. The judge, believe it or not, went for it. He actually agreed that absconding from supervision due to fear of getting murdered isn't the worst idea that ever happened. And he let the guy out, just like that.

Suddenly I'm the hero. Suddenly my client goes free, his family loves the shit out of me, and I actually won something.

Today I spoke to the agent on the phone, and he said "Wow, that was quite a victory for you the other day." I'm like "That's right, chump. One and counting. Slowly."

I didn't say that. But I should have.

Feels good to win once in awhile.

I'm Not A Religious Scholar, But...

Someone needs to do some editing on the "Islam" page at Wikipedia. I'm fairly certain the first paragraph is not supposed to read as follows:

"Islam (Arabic: الإسلام; al-'islām (help·info); pronounFuck you Shahab is a monotheistic Abrahamic religion originating with..."

Think I'm joking? See for yourself.

Proportional Response (Updated)

As avid readers of this blog (all four of you), you know I've had my share of struggles with Best Buy in the past. For example, the new-disc drive-not-attached-to-anything incident, which seemed to be resolved when they gave me a new computer, leading me to declare an armistice on today's date (9/11, interestingly enough) two years ago. Then, however, came the give-me-back-my-data-you-miserable-fuckers incident, which led to it being entirely back on, and the vicious murder of the entire east side Geek Squad.

Since then, things have settled down, for the most part. Moved out to the west side, where things are laid back, and the Geek Squad over here doesn't seem entirely cretinous. I've occasionally had issues with the new (circa fall 2006) computer Best Buy gave me, such as a malfunctioning display (which required a total hard drive wipe), a loose plug, a new power cord, and a "complete functioning stop" incident (which required a total hard drive wipe). Annoying, but again, I'm still under warranty, so at least I don't have to pay anything to get it fixed.

Most recently, my battery stopped holding a charge for more than 45 minutes. Simple enough, just have them send me a new one, right? So that's what I did. Tried it out last night. Doesn't what one would call "fit" in my computer, meaning it doesn't so much "work" as "lay there like a worthless piece of excrement." Now, this bothers me enough, because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's robots. If there are two things I can't stand, it's malfunctioning technology. I love technology - cars, phones, computers, batcycles - but I lose my shit when it stops working, because I rely so heavily on the convenience. In fact, 98% of all the yelling and 76% of all the cursing I have ever done in my life has been at broken technology. So I did a little shit flipping this morning, then cooled down, because I still have the other battery, and I can still plug it in AC (Slater)-style. Right?

Except the fucking plug wasn't working this morning, so I couldn't run it on AC power. My new battery wasn't working because it's a filthy whore. And my old battery wasn't working because - get this - I tried to charge the new and incorrectly fitting battery last night (to no avail) so my old battery decided to just hang out and die. Why not just put the old one back in and charge it? Because the FUCKING PLUG WASN'T WORKING, SO I COULDN'T CHARGE SHIT.

Take it to Best Buy. She looks, sees the plug isn't working. Says we'll have to send the computer out, it'll come back to me within 8-10 business days. I didn't kill her. I wanted to, but I didn't. I should have, of course. Because what she was leaving out was that (a) the computer would actually come back to me in 23 business days, (b) it would no longer function, and (c) once it got returned to me, I would have to send it back so they could "fix" (read: let a kid with Down's Syndrome beat on it with a hammer) it, then "rush" it back to me within "5" business days (read: 24 business days) in a slightly more functioning yet still non-functional manner.

And, oh yeah, she helpfully added that she could charge me for a data backup. Of course, if you'll recall, Best Buy only gives you your data on a disc where the files are all in .nfgh format. (For those of you not up on the current techno jive, ".nfgh" format refers to "not fucking gonna happen.") I said thanks, but (step closer and I will murder you) no thanks.

Then I thought, instead of having my computer sent out, how about Best Buy just ship me a new battery that actually fits? She said sure, they can do that. Then I realized that the new battery, if indeed it would fit (ha!), would still not be charged when it arrived. Meaning I would have to charge it using my computer and its non-functioning AC plug. Right.

Then I asked if there was any way the store could charge my flippin' crappy battery at least, so I could get my 45 minutes off of it to save some data and do some business. She's like "no, we'd have to find the exact model computer here in the store, and that's unlikely" (read: Apparently you haven't been paying attention. We don't help people here. We frustrate them. We fuck them over. We take their computers and see how many gallons of maple syrup we can pour over their motherboards before they stop functioning. If that's what you're looking for, then you've come to the right place.") So, instead of having my computer sent out and my data backed up, both never to return functioning again, I left the store enraged.

Luckily for Best Buy, I just watched the West Wing episode "A Proportional Response," where President Bartlett has to authorize his first military attack. The Syrians had shot down an American plane that was carrying doctors to a teaching hospital, one of whom was Jed's personal doctor, who just had a newborn baby girl. The President took the attack personally, initially wanting to wipe Syria off the face of the earth, but Leo and the Joint Chiefs talked him down, after a long, hard effort. Eventually, Bartlett chose a more proportional attack that didn't risk civilian casualties.

So, in an effort to be more Bartlett-esque, I have decided not to raze Best Buy from the earth. Instead, I went home and plugged in my AC adaptor. Lo and behold, I was actually able to get a charge. Seems if I don't jiggle the thing too much, I can make it work. Then I calmly dialed up Best Buy's "help" line, and had a new battery sent. The call was promising, because the girl on the phone actually wanted to know my computer's model number, so as to find a matching battery. She said that will get here in 3-5 business days. So I'll see that in a couple weeks.

Between then and now, I'll muddle through, hoping I can continue to jerryrig this power cord to keep getting a charge, and making sure all of my work and writing are backed up.

But a word of caution to the west side Best Buy - as of this moment, consider yourselves Iran. So much as look at me funny, your ass is next.

UPDATE: The new battery they sent me? The good news: unlike the last one they sent me, this actually fits into my computer. The bad news: much like the last one they sent me, it doesn't work. Apparently it is entirely charge-resistant. I left it plugged in for an entire night, then woke up and tried to use it. Nothing. When the battery was in, it wouldn't even register that the AC adaptor was plugged in. Then I switched back to my old battery, which, of course, was dead. I got that re-charged, and it worked. But the "new" one still doesn't do jack shit. Grrr...

UPDATE 2: So I've been hanging on for dear life with my old battery. It can now function without the aid of AC power for about 25 minutes.

That sound you hear is a nuclear arsenal going live. Time for a little shopping trip...

Novel

After nearly two years of work, I have finally completed the first draft of a book. I had been going at a pretty good pace until this pesky job started to take off, now I have to work during my week days. But I've plugged along, and as of Monday I finished it. Though I don't know what the correct spacing and margins should be, right now the finished product is 701 pages.

As far as the contents, you've got a basic assortment of vampires, zombies, and other badassedry. As to the quality, I can't speak to that. It's not Shakespeare, it's not Hemingway, it's not Tolkien. But I like it. Then again, I liked The Chronicles of Riddick.

Now for the editing process. I don't really know what I'm going to do with it, ultimately. But I know it's only the first of a six book series. Maybe I'll try to get published. Maybe I'll just keep it for myself.

But what's important is that I've come this far, and I can finally put that bit from Family Guy out of my mind, the one where Stewie teases Brian about his alleged novel in an increasingly high-pitched voice, just to mock him:

Stewie: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? (voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off."

The End is Nigh

This week's signs that the apocalypse is upon us:

- Taco Bell, and their new "Volcano Taco."

Leave it to T-Bell to start marketing a pink taco. So many jokes come to mind...brings a new meaning to playing with your food....etc, etc. Also puts a new spin on their slogans. "Thinking outside the bun," indeed. Or, a new way to "Make a run for the border." How about the old "You can munch it!" A new way to "Spice up the night." Also, when they originally came out with the phrase "Fourth meal," I thought they meant food, not vagina. But this version is better. If nothing else, should contain fewer rat droppings.

And don't even get me started on the "lava sauce."

Sign # dos:

- The following sign absolutely exists on a church in Oshkosh:

This, for those of you Wisconsinites who had forsaken believing in Jesus Christ as your lord and savior in favor of the second coming, Brett Favre. In this state, we take our churching almost as serious as our Packers.

Tha Shizknight

I haven't done a comprehensive movie review in awhile. Now, however, I feel compelled, having seen the best goddamned movie ever made on two occasions. That movie, of course, is

The Dark Knight

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD.

Don't read if you haven't seen the movie yet.

(In fact, go see the movie now. I'll wait.)

Alright, so maybe not the best movie ever made. I'm not really fit to judge that, I suppose. But I can say without question that The Dark Knight has surpassed all other movies to become my favorite of all time. As someone who loves both superhero movies and morality tales, this just blew everything out of the water for me. I went into this movie with such high hopes, it was difficult trying to convince myself not to expect the greatest movie ever. And yet, this movie met every expectation I had and surpassed them all.

Admittedly, in terms of sheer quality, the Lord of the Rings trilogy is probably better. Even taken individually, each of those movies is possibly better overall. But that's about it. I'm still in love with The Matrix and The Matrix Reloaded, but this was better. And compared to any other superhero movie, there's nothing that even comes close. That's not even a slight exaggeration. After watching TDK for the first time, I re-watched Spiderman 2 again, which I had previously considered to be the best superhero movie, edging out X-Men 2. But it wasn't even close. I mean, Spiderman 2 was, and still is (in my opinion) an awesome movie, with a tremendous story arc for its titular character and spectactular action sequences. But TDK is so epic, so sprawling, so complex, it made Spiderman 2 look like a campy kids movie. It was really kind of astounding.

So what's so great about it? Well, let's start with the obvious. The action and stunts are simply spectacular. But really, any action movie can deliver that. And sure, the cinematography is amazing, particularly the wide shots of Chicago-as-Gotham. But again, any movie can have beautiful design. The acting is solid all around - Christian Bale makes a terrific Batman/Bruce Wayne, once again. Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine add tremendous class to their roles. Maggie Gyllenhall is a step up from Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes. And, of course, ...

You want to know where the movie really shines? With the villains, of course. As previously mentioned, I love me a good-ass villain. With this movie, you've got the Joker. Now, I thought the previous series of Batman movies started off pretty well with Tim Burton's Batman and Batman Returns. I particularly liked Jack Nicholson's Joker. I mean, come on. "Wait'll they get a load of me." Right? Classic. Kinda creepy, kinda menacing, pretty cool. Then you've got Heath Ledger. Seemed kind of like a strange choice to me. But his Joker? Fucking phenomenal. All the raving you've heard about his performance, it's all true. And what amazed me was how completely different his Joker was from Jack's rendition. Instead of the veritable Clown Prince of Crime, you've got a terrorist, in every sense of the word. I mean, he's fucking terrifying. And made all the more terrifying by the fact that the writers gave him no backstory, no real motivations other than to "watch the world burn." His introduction to the crime lords of Gotham is priceless. And his showdown with Batman in the police station is pretty heady stuff. The ultimate battle between Order and Chaos.

Then you've got Harvey Dent, aka "Two-Face." Now, his story seems almost a bit rushed, or tacked-on here. I, like many others, thought he was going to be set up to be the main villain of the potential third movie. And there's still a chance he'll reappear, I suppose. But here you really got to see his full transition from crusading good guy to monstrous villain. Harvey embodied the major theme of the movie - how the good and pure can become corrupted. At the outset, Harvey, commissioner Jim Gordan, and Batman form a tripartite alliance to bring down the major forces of corruption in Gotham. These three are supposed to be incorruptible. But early on, the Joker points out a major problem with Batman as part of this alliance - he works outside of the law. While he is trying to impose order, he is also a vigilante. While Batman Begins showed how sometimes extralegal measures are necessary when the forces within the justice system have themselves become corrupted, this movie partially explores the other side of that coin. To his credit, Batman realizes the problem, which becomes clear when other masked copycat vigilantes start roaming the streets with automatic weapons. As a result, Batman nearly gives up his cape to pass the mantle to Harvey, because Harvey represents the type of hero that Batman can never be.

In a way, this is similar to Spiderman 2, except that Bruce Wayne's decision to give up being Batman is made even more compelling than Peter Parker's decision to give up being Spiderman. While Peter does it for largely selfish (though completely understandable) reasons, Bruce nearly does it because of largely principled reasons, because a vigilante represents nearly the polar opposite of order, and when the justice system is functioning, there is no need for vigilantes. (Of course, his motives are partillay selfish as well, as he believes giving up the cape will allow him to be with Rachel. )

But it all falls apart when the Joker attempts to bring both Harvey and Batman down to his level. By destroying everything Harvey cares about, the Joker turns him into a monster like him. And he attempts to do the same to Batman, pushing him to his limit, trying to force him to break his own moral code. To top it off, the Joker attempts to show Batman (and humanity at large) that when the chips are down, all of them are corruptible by forcing them to chose between their own lives and the lives of others. And even after that crisis is resolved, Batman still has to pick up the pieces from Harvey's transformation to a monster.

As a result of all of this death and mayhem, many saw this movie as an entirely nihilistic tale, but they really missed the point. I mean, besides the obvious nod to the goodness of humanity when neither group decides to pull the trigger on the other, Batman's ultimate decision to let himself take the blame for all of Harvey's destruction while allowing Harvey to become sanctified really seals the deal. We are not a wholly debased species, even at the worst of times. Joker himself admits it during the climax, telling Batman "You truly are incorruptible." Harvey fell from grace; Batman did not. In the eyes of Gotham he did, but Jim Gordan knows the truth. His family knows the truth. Batman never broke his one rule, he never killed, he never became the thing he was fighting against. And in the end, he allowed himself to be seen as the villain rather than let the people of Gotham lose faith in Harvey Dent, their white knight.

TDK was not without its flaws. It really was LONG. Thought its really hard to say that anything should have been cut, the long runtime was certainly noticeable. And again, the apparent resolution to Harvey Dent's arc seemed kinda short shrift and abrupt. It fit in perfectly with the themes of the movie, but still, Aaron Eckhart's Two Face could have carried a whole movie as a villain (at least thematically....but it would have been really hard looking at that face for much longer). But part of that is Nolan's efforts to leave nothing left on the field. Too often you see stories that don't really cover much ground, part of which is to ensure more story remains to be told in the sequels. Here, you don't really need much more. I mean, this thing was fucking epic, whether you think of it as a superhero movie or a crime drama. In fact, one wonders how Nolan could ever hope to top this, if in fact he does make a sequel.

And it will be a shame if this movie doesn't get serious Oscar consideration due to its superhero nature. Because it's so much more than a superhero movie. It's my favorite superhero movie ever. It's my favorite crime drama ever. It's my favorite action movie ever. It's my favorite movie, ever. Period.

My score: A+
Recommendation: Just watch it. I dare you not to be blown away.

Ah, Maturity

Called a client today, left a voicemail. His voice message proclaimed it to be the inbox for one Mr. "Howie Feltersnatch."

Call me skeptical, but I do not believe that was his actual name.