...And We're Back!

In case you haven't heard, I got my data back thanks to a $15 part and a simple "chkdsk" command. So my book is back, and the bazillion hours I've spent on it have not been for naught.

Also, I have this to say for the Geek Squad: Although I appreciate your efforts, it really would have been considerate of you to GO FUCK YOURSELVES, YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS FUCKS!

That's all I have to say about that.

*It comes to my attention that "I'm on a Boat" starts playing every time someone loads this page. I can change that so it doesn't happen, if people want.

*On second thought, I don't care.

Crashed

Sometimes things fall apart. Or so I've been told, at any rate. I won't even begin to talk about my life being hard, because it's not. My life is a breeze. Bad things rarely happen. But when they do happen, they tend to cluster. Like last Friday night. My laptop crashed on Wednesday, to the point where it said there was no operating system. Against my better judgment, I took it to the Geek Squad at Best Buy to get it fixed. I requested the data back-up for $100 because, like I complete dolt, I hadn't backed up my book in awhile. Months, in fact. But, no biggie, I'd just pay my money and get my shit back. Right?

I should have known better. Friday I went to pick up my data. I've already had issues with getting data back from them in one piece, and I was ready for more shenigans this time. However, I was not ready for them to tell me they couldn't get my data, that it was corrupted.

My gut instinct was absolute panic. If I can't get my data back, I will have lost about 8 chapters worth of revisions, which equals about 100 pages, or about 80 hours worth of work. I will essentially be back at sqaure one on my second draft. It's my fault for not backing it up regularly, but for realz - I was ready to tear skulls from bodies when that guy said my data was corrupted. So I calmly left the store, got back in my car, and screamed until my throat was hoarse.

I basically sped out of the parking lot, and immediately realized that driving while enraged was a bad idea (especially considering how driving in general can be a bad idea for me). So I took a deep breath, slowed down, put my seat belt on, and started driving cautiously.....

And then promptly got into a car accident.

Not even my fault, if you can imagine that. Some chick totally pulled out in front of me and another car, trying to pull a left turn right in front of us. We both slammed on our brakes, but I did it a little too late. The only real damage was to my bumper, no injuries, so no big deal. But not a good experience. And not a good night

Anyway, the dust has cleared a bit. I may yet get my data back. My car will be fixed by the girl's insurance. I will someday have my revenge on Best Buy.

Moral of the story? If I had to pick one, I'd say that if something's important to you, make sure to keep it safe.

If I had to pick two, I'd add that you should never trust the fucking Geek Squad.

I Totally F***ed a Mermaid!

The "Dick in a Box" guys have done it again. Enjoy.


UPDATE - had to remove it. Couldn't hear Colbert.

Party Til OLR Shuts Us Down

I miss show business. It took me watching a high school show choir competition to realize it, but I really miss the lights and the stage and the crowds. I miss costumes and characters and making audiences laugh. I'm sick of being the 14-year old lawyer who doesn't talk much and works with the funny Mexican guy. I wanna be a star again.

So here's what I propose: for all of you who miss it too, join me. We'll do Law Revue: the Professional Years. We find a stage somewhere, grab a few props, and take aim at the practice of law. Instead of professors and students we'll mock judges and other attorneys. Your most clueless judge? Toast. Your most loathed DA? Toast. And let's not forget, the greatest source of legal comedy, clients. Glorious, glorious clients. We change the names to protect the incredibly guilty and incredibly dickish alike, and then we roll.

Sure, we'll be disbarred if anybody actually comes to watch us. But that's bound to happen anyway, right? Why not go down in a blaze of comic glory? Think of it as the "swallowing nitroglycerine" approach to picking up women. If we're going to fail, why not fail to the extreme?

No seriously, this could totally work. Who's with me?

Once Again, It's On!

Shit's getting real for real on Battlestar Galactica once again. After a long hiatus, it finally came back a couple weeks ago to start it's final 10 episodes, which promised to be re-fucking-diculous. The first episode back was a bit maudlin, which was to be expected given how the last half-season ended, but still solid. The second epsiode was surprisingly blah, not really all that promising for how explosive the end of this series was supposed to be. But apparently the point of that episode was just to arrange the pieces for this last episode, which was fucking awesome. Probably one of the most exciting episodes of the series, and the best part - it's only the start of what's to come.

This is why I have difficulty answering what the best TV show ever was - I can't until I see how this show ends.

Tool Academy

I have never been a fan of reality television. Primarily because it just exposes the lowest common denominator of humanity. Generally just hearing the premise of the shows is enough to make me want to hurl. Also, I can't stand these shows because networks have chosen to inundate the airwaves with this schlock over scripted programs because reality shows are cheaper and easier to make. As a result, many quality television shows get axed in favor of fucking drivel. Plus, as I'm sure you all know, I have a general aversion to reality.

So as a general rule, I don't watch reality tv. Ever. But today I had to break that rule. VH1 has a new show called "Tool Academy," bringing together some of the douchiest douchebags this side of, well, the earth. Cockbags with handles like "Matsuflex" and "Mega" preen and pose and pontificate on their awesomeness, believing they are competing in a contest called "Mr. Awesome." Turns out they are being watched by their long-suffering girlfriends in a contest to see if any of them can stop being tools. Each week, the biggest remaining toolkit gets the boot. It's actually kind of...well, terrible. But as far as guilty pleasures go, it was fun to watch, and made me feel pretty good about myself.

The King of Cake is Dead

Have you ever been to a bridal expo? Unless you have a vagina, probably not. Bridal expos basically contain an endless series of booths presenting brides-to-be with possible caterers, photographers, invitation makers, dress makers, cake makers, reception halls, DJs, travel agencies, and anything and everything else wedding-related. And if you don't know, weddings are fucking expensive, so the people running the expos throw in drawings and raffles for free stuff at every stop, and then watch the crowds descend in droves.

Admittedly, I am not the manliest man that ever manned up to the world. I don't hunt, I don't drive a pickup, and I don't know the way to the gun show. However, that doesn't mean that I'm personally equipped with female genitalia. Nor do I have any interest in the general wedding planning business. I certainly care what my own wedding will look like, and I am more than willing to provide my input on things, and generally provide whatever help my bride-to-be would like.

Accordingly, being the supportive (and financially wanting) groom-to-be that I am, I agreed to accompany pH to a bridal expo this morning. I will say this - it wasn't horrifying. In fact, as an avid lover of cake and once-dubbed "King of Cake," I was dazzled by the bountiful cake samples available. So I went a little nuts. I sampled cake after cake after cake. And maybe I'm just off my game, but I started to get a little sick. I sampled cakes from the first 4-5 places or so. Then I started to get a lot sick. But the cake makers, they did not stop. At first, I began averting my eyes. Then I had to start running away. The King of Cake could handle no more.

So in the end, the worst part for me wasn't the endless weddingocity of it all.

It was the shame.

The King of Cake is dead. Long live the king.

Bigger and Better

I'm not usually one to make New Year's resolutions, but this year I feel compelled. 2008 was a fantastic year for me. Well, every year has pretty much been fantastic for me, but this year especially. In order of magnitude, my biggest achievements for this past year:

1. Getting engaged
2. Starting a law firm
3. Completing the 1st draft of my novel

All big, all momentous. But life is all about moving onward and upward, right? So, here are my New Year's resolutions for 2009:

1. Get married
2. Start ANOTHER law firm
3. Complete the 2nd draft of my novel
And oh, what the hell...
4. Become a millionaire by August

Whatever happens, this promises to be another great year.

I Hate Crappy Weather, Except When it Totally Works in My Favor

I hate snow. I hate snow so bad I'd like to spend an afternoon taking every single snowflake in existence and stabbing it with a trident. It makes driving, one of my favorite pasttimes, a complete hassle. Moreover, driving is such a necessity for me - I drive everywhere, all the time, and when it snows, driving becomes nearly impossible for me. My car literally can't make it up a small, unplowed incline. When I sit at a poorly plowed intersection, I can't just accelerate into my lane. I sit there and spin my wheels, then realize I have to wait for the next round of cars to pass before I can go. 10 minute drives become 30 minute drives, and 30 minute drives become fuckin' eternity. I hate snow.

So I was supposed to do some work today, then grab PH and jump in the car and drive 3 hours through the stupid snow to go to Aurora, Illinois to see PH's family for Christmas Eve. Of course, 3 hours in the snow would become 4 hours pretty quickly, and my patience would run out probably 15 minutes into the drive, and that would be that. Instead, since the stupid snow made even attempting the drive a near impossibility, I got to spend the day doing a little final Christmas shopping, buying myself some comic books, working on the 2nd draft of my book, having dinner with PH at our apartment, watching 5 episodes of 30 Rock on dvd, drinking wine, exchanging presents, eating ice cream, and NOT having to drive 4 hours through the snow.

No offense whatsoever to PH's family, because I would have loved to see them. But still.

God, I love the snow.

Quote of the Day

"But really, I'm fed up with the entire warlock community bitching about how fucked we are right now."

Tarknin: the New Quidditch

I had many dreams last night, some frustrating, some resulting in my death, some just oddly amusing. But there was one that was completely badass. Allow me to present the next great American past time:

Tarknin.

Tarknin is essentially a cross between hockey and lumberjacking. There is a circular arena with three teams and three large goals. There are no goalies. There are also no balls or pucks of any kind. No, Tarknin uses timber. I'm talking actual tree logs, varying in size. There are several logs on the arena at any given time. Each player has a staff or other object, and we use these staffs to corral the logs and propel them towards the goal. Every goal is worth two points.

In my dream, I got to play this game with and against friends for maybe ten minutes, and let me tell you, it was fan-fucking-tastic. And not just because I scored, launching a fifteen foot log across the arena and into our goal. The whole thing was just plain fun.

And more than that, after the game we all devised a sort of program for our Tarknin league. And when I say "we," I pretty much mean Mr. Utah designed the program. Accordingly, each player had a picture in the guide resembling themselves in the style of a World of Warcraft character. We each had badass nicknames, and some of us were depicted riding three of the four horses of the apocalypse. Only, one of them was a actually flaming orange firebear named "Hell."

Bottom line: football is for pussies.

Health Food

Made the trip back to O-Town for Thanksgiving with my family. I've got a pretty small family, and many of them are in Florida this time of year, but there were more relatives in attendance than I had expected. That was a pleasant surprise.

My favorite part of Thanksgiving with my family may have been baking cookies. Dad had the great idea of having me, the fiancee, and my parents spend a couple hours after dinner making Christmas cookies. It was a nice activity, good chance to talk about wedding plans and everything else. But the cookies themselves left a bit to be desired. Being an avid cookie dough fiend, I sampled a little piece during the construction, and detected a distinct lack of sweetness. Now, I'm also a raging sugarholic, so lack of sugar to me is a pretty meaningless concept. So I didn't mention it to my parents, and continued on with the rolling and cutting. The dough was being a bit problemmatic in that regard, but eventually we got several trays of cookies done and into the oven.

But then the cookies came out of the oven, and one got eaten. Turns out I was right. Not a single cookie had even a smidge of sugar. Even slathering them with radioactive frosting couldn't save them.

Ultimately the entire batch made its way into the garbage. Only the frosting survived.

So you learn something new every day. I, for instance, now know how to make sugar-free Christmas cookies.

Acts of War

Just when you thought the ceaseless, seemingly never-ending cycle of war and violence was about to end, Axl Rose comes along and launches an all-out assault on China.

The blame lies with all of us, really. The signs were all there, but we just too naive. I mean, the reports have been coming out for over seventeen years. Everyone said Axl Rose was working on something devastating, and China would be the target. I, for one, didn't believe it. I thought it was a myth. He had been underground for so long. Every once in awhile, a new report of progress came out. I figured he was just blustering, like all those other world powers who retire and fade into the sunset, but fire off some jingoistic comments every now and then to keep their rep alive. Axl Rose didn't have that kind of power anymore, I was sure of it.

Boy, was I wrong. Out of nowhere, Axl finally launched "Chinese Democracy." And the effects have been devastating. China has denounced it has a "venemous attack," claiming that Guns 'N Roses had "turned its spear point on China," and that this was part of a plot to "grasp and control the world."

As of 7:00 eastern standard time, nearly 45 million Chinese have been killed and another 760 million wounded as a result of this shameless and unprovoked attack.

Return of a Classic

Saturday Night Live has always been one of my favorite television shows. As I've mentioned, the show inspired me to spend endless hours of high school and undergrad writing, acting and producing my own amateur version of SNL with my friends, and eventually go on to do the same in the Law Revue show at law school. The show has been on since the mid-70's and the quality has always varied dramatically from year to year, even episode to episode. Every once in awhile, a new cast of new up-and-coming comedians breathed fresh life into the show. Inevitably those stars left for bigger and better things, and the show stagnated. For every John Belushi and Chris Farley and Will Ferrell there was an Anthony Michael Hall and Chris Elliott and Chris Kattan. And since the depatures of Ferrell and Tina Fey, the show's ebb and flow has pretty much just ebbed.

However, I'm extremely pleased to say that the past couple of seasons have brought a bit of a renaissance, with fresh actors, fresh writing, and genuinely funny sketches. Sure, the 2008 election was a huge boon to the show, as Fey returned to do a viciously funny Sarah Palin, and the other actors playing the major political players (Hillary, McCain, Obama, and Biden) were all pretty spot-on. The joint press conference with Palin and Hillary, where Palin aw-shucksed her way into the contention for the white house, while Hillary practically frothed at the mouth over her oblivious counterpart taking her spotlight, was particularly hilarious.

But it's more than that. Not only have the political sketches been sparking lately, but the rest of the sketches have been pretty damn funny too. For instance, Christopher Walken's latest appearance provided a slew of quality sketches, including the gardener who was very scared of plants, as well as the Walken family reunion. The cast, though comprised of relatively unknowns, is pretty well-rounded with funny performers. Jason Sudekis, Bill Hader (a key player in the Judd Apatow comedies), Kristen Wiig, and Will Forte have all made great additions to the cast. The latest episode (first one post-election) was hosted by Paul Rudd, and the results were still pretty funny. With this type of format, there's always going to be a few great sketches, a few terrible sketches, and the majority in the middle as hit-or-miss. But even those hit-or-miss sketches have been more hit than miss lately.

Among my favorites -

Kristen Wiig's "Judy Grimes" travel-writer character who appears on Weekend Update, who speaks in a nervous, rapid-fire way, repeatedly adding "just kidding" to every statement, which ends up being a lot funnier than it sounds.

Beyonce attempts to shoot a music video to "Single Girls," but is extremely creeped out by her new back-up dancers, played by Justin Timberlake, Andy Samberg, and Bobby Moynihan - three dudes (obviously) wearing little black dresses and high heels.

An untitled series of sketches with four guys who reminisce about an old song, then talk about how it reminds them of some absurdly perverse memory, then they all go on singing as though it's perfectly normal. My favorite exchange:

Will: Well... I'll tell you who this song reminds me of.
Amie: Amie!
Bill: No -- Courtney.
Buddies: Aw, come on!
Bill: Did you finally ask her out?
Will: I did. I remember this song was playing that night. and I finally worked up the nerve to talk to her, and she just stonewalled me. And I said, "What's wrong?" and she said she could never go out with me. I asked why, and she said, "I found out you're a pedophile." And I was, like, "A pedophile? A pedophile?! That's a pretty big word for a ten year-old!"

Who knows how long the upswing will last, of course, but for now I'm digging me some SNL for the first time in a long time.

In Defense of the Thong Song

I've got a bone to pick with Charlie's Worst Song in the World competition. The competition pitted Tiny Tim's "Tiptoe through the Tulips" against Sisqo's "Thong Song," for the unenviable title of worst song ever. The link I provided has clips for each to help you decide. I can't find any information on this competition, other than these two songs squared off for #1 in terms of pure audio feces. I don't know if there were other songs in competition and these two made it to the finals, or if the station took a poll, or if someone just picked these two.

Whatever their methods, it appears that "Tiptoe" has pulled into a commanding lead, 67-33. Rightfully so, in my opinion. After listening to that song for the first time, I had to shut it off almost immediately because I could feel my internal organs on the verge of shredding themselves in protest. I literally felt nauseous for the next 10 minutes. I don't think I've ever had such a strong physical reaction to music before. I've read a series of fantasy books where a composer stumbled upon music that could be arranged in a way so as to kill all of the listeners, and I'm pretty sure that was based on this song.

By contrast, and I know I'll draw some heat for this, but "Thong Song" doesn't even remotely qualify as the worst song ever. Sure, the topic is ridiculous and banal. Sure the lyrics are simplistic and repetitive. I'll be the first to admit, "Dumps like a truck, truck, truck, Thighs like what, what, what" is straight up fucking retarded. And yes, the overall result is annoying beyond reproach, especially considering how overplayed it was for a dark period in history.

But I believe it has at least some positive attributes, which is more than can be said for songs like "Tulips" and a few others that come to mind. For example, strip away all of the lyrics and singing, and the song has a decent Timbaland-esque arrangement to it. In particular, I can appreciate the use of the violin melody, because at least it is a break from some of the painfully monotonous and uninspired beats that plagues modern R&B and hip hop. Most of the shit today has little more than a drum beat and a terrible rapper and/or singer. This has a flippin' violin. I have to give props for that.

Also, Sisqo has some pipes. Forgot the drivel that he's saying for a moment, listen to his voice. Especially compared to today's flavor-of-the-month R&B singers. You'll notice a stark difference: he doesn't sound like a robot chipmunk (I'm looking at you, T-Pain and Ne-Yo. For a related note, see this amusing video about the relationship between T-Pain and his vocoder.) Sisqo actually sounds like a person when he sings. More than that, he's a good-ass singer.

Well...that about exhausts the list of positive attributes for this song. Still, it's way out of the "Tulips" league, and definitely not the 2nd worst song ever.

No, my friends, the 2nd worst song ever is Federline's ode to d-baggery, "Popozao." This transcends even the "awesomely bad" label (see "Ice Ice Baby" or "Rock Lobster") and moves straight into terribly, horribly, atrociously bad territory.

Still, it's no "Tip Toe through the Tulips," and that's saying a lot.

NOANSWERS

As I was telling Ismael the other day, I really think the slogan "NOBAMA" is pretty much the quintessence of the McCain campaign, and a good indication of why he will and should lose the election. I've been following the election pretty closely, from the primaries to the conventions to the final weeks. I've seen countless advertisements, read hundreds of articles and polls, and watched all the debates (except the VP debate, since only one side chose to engage in actual debate). Having witnessed all of this, "NOBAMA" is the best that McCain can come up with to answer the question of why he should be president. And I think that's pretty sad.

Some amount of negative campaigning is always to be expected at this level. Some of the attacks are bound to be nasty and personal. The campaigns, and the candidates in particular, can't always be held at fault for the things that get said. But to a greater extent, campaigns should be about why one candidate should be elected, and not why the other candidate shouldn't. Before you can start tearing down your opponent, you need a clear, resounding answer to why you should be president. McCain started that way, touting his experience, and rightfully so. The man has undeniably impressive credentials.

But as soon as Obama began his meteoric rise on the winds of "Change," suddenly McCain co-opted the theme, and proclaimed himself the candidate of change. Okay, that's a little murkier, considering McCain largely supports the same agenda as Bush did. But McCain does have some notable policy differences from Bush the Lesser, so voters could let that one slide. The title of "Maverick" was well-earned over McCain's many years in public service, so I was willing to cut him a little slack on that, despite his recent forays into far-right rather than center-right. The man's got to appeal to his base, so some of that was to be expected.

And at first glance, the selection of Palin as his running mate seemed to bolster that idea pretty handily. If there is one thing she's accomplished in her short career in public service (there is -- I've counted. Exactly one thing, in fact...), then it's bucking the establishment. Of course, calling them "The Original Mavericks" was a pretty ridiculous stretch, considering Maverick from Top Gun was around a hell of a lot longer than Palin, but whatever. All in all, McCain made a pretty successful attempt at taking the change mantle from his opponent.

Then reality set in. Palin proved to be grossly underqualified. McCain's (new) true colors began to bleed through, particularly in the debates. While Obama began to convince independants that he had the chops and the knowledge necessary to be commander-in-chief, McCain did little to distinguish himself from Bush. Truth be told, other than McCain's respect for the constitution, there weren't many.

And over the past month, the campaign has shifted toward a ratification of Obama rather than a choice between two equally adept candidates. The question has become whether Obama is ready rather than who would make a better president. And since Obama's performance has been uniformly steady if not spectacular, McCain can't win like that.

Since he can't rise above Obama, he's got to try to tear him down with fear tactics. Ooh look - he's got questionable associations. He knows a guy who was a domestic terrorist thirty years ago. He must be a terrorist too. He went to a church where the pastor recently made some pretty incendiary anti-America remarks. He must feel the same way. His middle name is "Hussein," just like that dictator from Iraq. He must be a Muslim extremist.

Or the McCain supporters will just ridicule Obama's accomplishments. The mocking comments by Guliani and Palin regarding Obama's past as a community organizer were breathtakingly disrespectful, not just to Obama but to the thousands and thousands of Americans who hold similar positions and try to make positive differences in their communities. It's a sad day when major political candidates go on national TV and mock the public service efforts of their opponents. Notice that after Palin's blithely idiotic remarks, you didn't see anyone close to Biden or Obama getting up and mocking Palin for being mayor of a town of 8 people and governer of a state with 12 people. The comedy shows in the tank for Obama may have done that, but certainly not the candidate or any public servants that support him.

So when I'm driving around and see signs that say "NOBAMA," I'm both saddened at what the McCain campaign has devolved into, and heartened by the fact that none of these attacks are working. And well they shouldn't. McCain's campaign has effectively limited him to being the "not Obama" candidate. That's a bit like being "anyone but Bush," a phrase I heard a lot from democrats during the 2004 campaign. Unfortunately for McCain, that strategy doesn't work when your opponent is actually popular, much less wildly popular as Obama has become.

So go on, keep telling us about how you're not Obama. That just underscores why most of the country won't be voting for you.

Look Up at the Sky - Not a Bird, Not a Plane, It's...Ew.

Picture this, if you will. You're hard at work studying, with your nose buried in a book, and your mind on the upcoming exam. Completely oblivious to the world around you, you suddenly realize that something just touched your hand. You didn't see where it came from -- there's no one around. It's not a fly or a bug. Instead, when you look at your hand, you see a little drop of liquid. It's not raining or snowing -- you're indoors. You can't imagine where there would be water coming from. But it looks transparent like water. Not completely transparent, though. There's just a hint of white. Almost a creamy...

Oh shit.

A sinking feeling hits you. It can't be...

That's right. You just got phantom splooged.

What's hysterical about this is that the facility manager says they've had a history of such behavior and they're worried about a resurgence. Really? You've got a history of mischievious people on the upper floors shooting their wads onto unsuspecting students?

Times sure have changed since I was in school.

Implosion

Apparently Wisconsin's football teams have begun their slow descent into hell. First the Packers lost to the Cowboys. Then the Badgers went up big before blowing it against Michigan. Then the Packers sucked it up against the Buccaneers. Then the Badgers blew it against Ohio State. Then the Packers blew goats against the Falcons. Then the Badgers got forcibly raped by Penn State.

What's next - the Packers get beat by 150 against Seattle? The Badgers lose to a Pop Warner football team?

Christ, guys. Pull it together.

"Don't Bring Enough Unless You're Going to Share With The Thing..."

It's official. Going to see Electric Six again. Awesome.

FYI, the title of this post comes from Mr. Ismael's comment to Mr. RPM after RPM bought a ticket, but had the audacity not to purchase everyone else's tickets as well.

Make sense of it if you can...

Sometimes You Win Two

Fresh off my unmitigated victory in a reconfinement hearing, last week I won my first revocation hearing ever. It was a pretty solid win for me, considering (a) the guy committed a new crime and admitted to it, (b) he had already been given a second chance (ATR) and screwed up again, (c) I didn't even have a viable alternative to revocation available, and (d) if revoked, the guy would have automatically gone back to prison for a year and a half.

Apparently I found the only ALJ who listens to reason and common sense. Also, one who buys into the "Come on..." argument.

For my next trick? Maybe I'll watch Heroes and chill for a bit.