Guilty

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. I've been busy with a lot of things going on, but none of them seemed particularly post-worthy. There was one event that made me think.

So lately I've been working at LDP. Defense is obviously a change for me; I've never had to deal with clients, never had to deal with real people and their problems. Even working as a clerk for a guy who does a lot of defense work - he deals with the clients, I get the legal issues. A lot of the clients seem pretty shady, so its a relief to forget their role in the process and just deal with what the law is (and occasionally attempt to fabricate the law on their behalf).

LDP is different. Forget, for the moment, intake at the jails - not a pleasant experience, but there's nothing overly shattering going on. I speak to the inmates, ask them the most basic questions, and move on to the next. Though the scene isn't pretty, you never really have to engage with anything.

Client work is different. For instance, I had a client with final pre-trial on Wednesday. Obviously, I can't go much into details; suffice it to say, I thought it was a pretty clear cut case, and she would have to plead (the offer was pretty decent, all things considered). Then we found out she was currently homeless, either living with friends or in her car, and 5 mos. pregnant, and was about to lose her job based on a faulty drug test result. Plus she's got a heart condition, and had a pacemaker installed about a year ago. All at the tender age of 18. This makes me think about how lucky I've had it, and how as a DA, I'd be able to skip all of this unnecessary real life stuff. I get the file with its boilerplate information on a nameless defendant and a standard offense, and make an objective decision.

Just like life - I can go through every day in my cushy life without having to see the problems other people face. I've always had this public servant attitude in me, this vague notion of wanting to do great things so I could help people; actually helping real people has been something different. And I start to think maybe I'm not as good of a person as people generally assume. I don't know.

On the other hand, all apologies to Mr. Utah, but I do give money to homeless people on occasion. Not so much to the panhandlers, but I also get a lot that come up to me directly and ask for a dollar or two. They've always got some story why they need it, and I'm not sure I ever really believe them. But I think either way, they've got it worse off than me, and dropping a couple dollars won't hurt me. Maybe they can sense I'm a softie. Maybe they can just see it.

So when we spoke to the DA and got her to offer a much better deal, I felt pretty good. And when I called some shelters for this girl to stay at, I felt better. Speaking to people has never been my strong suit; when we spoke to this girl at the courthouse, my supervising attorney did most of the talking, so I just got to hear the sad story. But now, it was my turn to speak. So I called her, informed her of the places she could go to stay, places she could get hot meals. And when, in tears, she thanked me for all of my help, I felt.....

Guilty.