Come and Get Me

Someone is clearly trying to kill me. Assassination attempts are nothing new, of course, but nonetheless irritating. Imagine having to remove the head of a new assassin each week and placing it on a pike to ward off all comers, only to realize that the decapitated-head-on-a-pike routine just ain't striking terror like it used to.

This time, they started attacking through my dreams. Over the course of one particular dream this morning, my enemies bombed, in succession, three of my most frequented dwellings. The dream began with the knowledge that someone had blown up my apartment and destroyed all of my belongings. I drove my vehicle (a red minivan) to an overly elaborate Law Review meeting, then sat in the audience and chilled. (At least I think it was overly elaborate, unless the Senior Board regularly books full conference halls with auditorium seating for spectators to watch them discuss WLR-related business while seated at a long table on a raised platform.) After the meeting, I went to find my minivan, but it had disappeared. After an ill-fated attempt to chase down a similar looking vehicle, I called in a search party, which discovered my minivan's whereabouts - scattered in pieces all around the parking lot. Someone had bombed my frickin' minivan.

Now, normally I'm not too rattled by the occasional bombing, but two successful bombings in a row made me worry. I called my parents' house to see if they were alright. My older brother answered the phone. He laughed at my concern, but then noted that he was holding some "thing" that was beeping. Then the phone cut out. I literally started screaming. Someone had bombed my parents house and killed my family. Thankfully, the dream ended without any more attempts. I can only assume my adversaries chose not to attack KH's apartment for fear of her inevitable reprisal, referred to in police circles as "firebombing the shit out of everything that moves."

Once I had woken up, I thought the threat had passed. However, after about a half hour at work, I discovered someone had left a thumbtack lying on the floor of my office, with the sharp end sticking up, ready to attack. If not for my impeccable bat-like vision, I would be dead right now.

Normally at this point I would ask that if you see me, do not make any suspicious movements, 'cause I'm a bit on edge at this point. Rest assured, however, you won't see me. For the next five days, it's all ninjatude and stealth mode. Come and get me, haters.