What the F*ck? (Updated)

Alright Gollum, its way past time to get your shit together. Now, I know you're probably out questing for your precious, the One Ring, and are therefore too busy to return our goddamned sentencing papers. But until Wisconsin decides to legalize such partnerships, and until Dickey decides to swing that way (toward evil, gangly, bulbous-headed creatures, that is), there's really no point. So give us back our papers, for the love of Christ. I have every intention of writing my next paper in the exact same manner as the first, and I'd like to find out if I did a decent job before cranking out another 15 pages of the same crap. I need my flippin' paper back.

Seriously, you told us we'd get them back a couple weeks after we returned from break. I made sure to attend that class, but lo and behold, nothing. Next week, you say. Next week you'll return our paperses. Fine. Against my better judgment, I attend class. No paperses! "Next week. You can trust poor Smeagol, we promises!" Fine. Final week of class, held at the Terrace. No reason for me to go whatsoever, since I haven't read anything in like 6 weeks, and its not like I'm going to make any effort to participate. Only reason I would even consider going to this, when I know you'll still want to discuss the reading, is to get my blasted paper back.

So I attend. I sit with the group at the table, waiting for your arrival. Then, across the horizon, we spot your giant head, drifting up over the crowd like a hot air balloon. Alas, your hands are empty, except for a copy of the week's reading. You schmuck! I sit through another effin' worthless class, the last of my law school career. What a disappointment this class was. "No paperses? Oh, dear me! We puts them in your hangfileses tomorrow, we promises!"

Checked the hangfile the next day. To my "astonishment," nothing there. A few days later the class listserve gets an email. Seems a student informed you that, yet again, you forgot our flippin' papers. You'll put them in the hangfile ASAP.

Well, aparently in the caves of Middle Earth "ASAP" means in "Approximately Seventy Ages, Possibly." I checked my hangfile again today, and again got a donut for my troubles. (To be clear, there was no actual donut in my hangfile, or I'd be too busy eating it right now to be riled up about this.) So any attempt at writing my paper today would be in the dark.

Be a good Smeagol, and get off your lazy ass.

UPDATE: Apparently Gollum hasn't handed our papers back because, get this, he LOST half of them. ??? Now he's got to go creep across Middle Earth to see where the hell he left them.

UPDATE: He has found the papers! We will not get them back until we turn in our next papers. Big surprise.