An American Hero

CNN talk show host Glenn Beck ought to get an award for his show last night. Commenting on the steam pipe explosion that occurred this week in New York City, Beck first chided the witnesses, most of whom panicked when it happened. Then he suggested this shows a greater problem, that we are all completely unprepared for the next terrorist attack. Then he and a couple of guys discussed how to be prepared for such an attack.

If I may be so bold, on behalf of the citizens of New York, I say thank you, Glenn Beck. Where would we be without people like you? By "people like you," I of course mean "fat, rich television pundits who sit behind their cushy news desks hurling criticism down the mountain at people who actually experience these events first hand." Thank you, Mr. Beck, for pointing out exactly who among us is letting the terrorists win.

First of all, some massive explosion occurs in the middle of Lexington Avenue in downtown Manhattan, and the first thing people do is panic? What the hell is the matter with them? Are these people so easily frightened that all it takes to upset them is a massive explosion? Do they think they're doing a service to anyone by running for their lives and ensuring their own safety? What cowards. If Glenn Beck had been standing there that day and a steam geyser shot up higher than the 77 story Chrysler Building, creating a deafening roar as it rained soot and chunks of concrete down on bystanders, and putting a giant crater in the middle of the street, you know he would have stood firm and looked to rescue other people.

Second, this just goes to show that when you don't spend every minute of every day waiting for a terrorist attack to occur, the minute one actually does, you're probably screwed. The next big attack could come at any moment; it could kill hundreds, thousands even. It could happen anywhere, by any means, from anyone. And if that isn't enough to make you afraid, and if you don't spend every day living in fear, then clearly, you may as well be a terrorist yourself. For shame, America. For shame.

Finally, everyone should go out an get themselves a "Go Pack" for when the next strike happens. Sure, go out and get a backpack, and fill it with a flashlight, a first-aid kit, some rope, some basic food supplies, a blanket, and you'll be the most prepared citizen in case of an attack. That way, if you're standing on the street and a building next to you explodes, surrounding you in a firestorm complete with shattered glass, ruptured concrete, and twisted steel, you'll be able to...um...eat an energy bar, and clean up some minor cuts and bruises. Just hope you don't have a massive slab of concrete smash down on your skull, because then you'll be just as unprepared as anyone else.

So here's to Glenn Beck, a real American hero, for pointing out the faults and inadequacies of others in a crisis, while not ever having to face a real crisis himself.