Things I've learned about the practice of criminal law so far:
1. Criminals make excellent return customers - Out of the approximately 20 clients I've had so far, most either start out with multiple cases or acquire an additional case (or 12) within a couple months.
2. DA's don't like to do any work - One of my clients had a preliminary hearing last week. When she had the audacity to go ahead with it rather than waive the hearing, the DA actually told that if she wanted the hearing he would go ahead and file another felony charge. True to his word, the bastard actually filed it. So, vindictive, lazy, or both?
3. Judges don't like criminals - Believe it or not. Especially those who commit 10 or more crimes, then whine when the judge wants them to sit in jail rather than on house arrest.
4. No one pays attention to motions - I'm still waiting on word regarding motions and demands I filed in September. I'm not keeping my fingers crossed. At this point, I feel like filing my "Motion to Dismiss Based on Imaginary Dragon," and see whether that gets me anywhere.
5. Criminals will lie to you - Either I'm an extremely trusting person, or my clients are damn convincing people. Either way, I've learned that every word a client says must be taken with a grain of salt that is approximately as large as your mom's hairy ass.
6. Caring about these people will ruin your life - Criminals or not, at the end of the day, they're just people. And people are sympathetic. Once you've heard their story, it's hard to say, "Yeah, you ought to sit in jail 'til your balls rot off." I don't like to see people lose their freedom, whether they deserve it or not. And when they do, I take it hard, as though I failed them somehow. Now I understand why criminal defense attorneys have to be assholes.
7. Disorderly Conduct can suck me - The most worthless statute I've ever seen in my life. It is the perfect law for prosecutors because absolutely any type of conduct they'd like to regulate can fall under 947.01. Let's break this bitch down a bit:
"Whoever, in a public or private place..." - This means it can occur anywhere on the face of the earth, including your own home.
"... engages in violent, abusive, indecent, profane, boisterous, unreasonably loud..." - Okay, so the law is limited to, well, pretty much any type of behavior when you're having a good time, including swearing, shouting, and cockslapping. But even if your particular behavior doesn't fall under one of those, it is still illegal if you can call it -
"...otherwise disorderly conduct..." - Otherwise disorderly? So, pretty much everything.
"... under circumstances in which the conduct tends to cause or provoke a disturbance." In other words, anything that provokes anyone in any way, or doesn't provoke someone but theoretically could, then it is illegal.
HOW THE FUCK IS THIS NOT OVERBROAD???
8. Being my own boss is as frightening as it is awesome - I set my own hours, I answer to no one. Bad-ass doesn't begin to describe that feeling. However, there is also no one to reign me in when I consider my "Motion to Dismiss Based on Imaginary Dragon" -type motions. No one to tell me that's a bad idea, or that I need to state certain things on the record, or that the outcome I'm looking for is probably illegal. It's just me. And it's kinda scary.
Well, anyway, that's what I've learned so far. Important lessons to take into my own business, where I shall continue my vendetta against disorderly conduct, file frivolous and outlandish motions, and try not to care when my clients (deservedly) go down in flames...
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3 comments:
Yeah, I was recently told by a certain dickweed judge that self-defense doesn't apply to the DC statute...so if you act "violently" in slapping a crazed nazi torching you and your unborn fetus, you can still be convicted of DC if it tended to cause or provoke a disturbance.
I was just about to blog about being a dick out of habit when I read your post. I agree it's hard to switch off, but with your vindictive prosecutor, I'd say there's a valid base for inventing a ray gun, aiming it carefully at his head, then holstering it and kicking the prosecutor in the junk instead.
Criminal-defense work sounds fucking hard and stressful. You're a braver man than I to choose that as your career. But, hey, you're awesome at it, so there you go.
As far as the DC statute, how has it not been struck down yet? Seriously, how is it not overbroad? Does the supreme court just sort of think that, since it's not a super-serious crime, it's cool? Or that it needs to be that broad to cover all of the behavior we want to outlaw and just happens to have the unfortunate side effect of giving the police the power to arrest you for pretty much anything?
For me, what's most depressing is not the individual clients, but the fact that the entire system is broken in a very real sense.
Yeah, I totally agree - I couldn't care less that these particular people are arrested for disorderly conduct. I just hate the fact of the DC statute, and I will do everything within my power to defeat it whereever I encounter it. Which, apparently, is with every fucking client.
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