It's Official

To quote Flight of the Conchords, (in falsetto, singing) "It's business....it's business time!"

The legal supergroup MZRM's two greatest attorneys who still live in Madison will now be joining forces to create a partnership. Or an LLC. Or...one of those things. An L.L.Something. Just like L.L. Cool J. It'll be like Mama Said Knock You Out, At law.

So I don't know much about business. Fuck you.

Anyway, I've got a solid foundation for a client base, and Mr. Ismael is starting his as well. I've got money saved away that I forgot about, thus enabling me to not go broke immediately.

There's a lot to do, obviously. Finding office space. Finding office furniture. Developing a business plan. Developing a secret handshake. And most importantly, coming up with a name.

Community Justice Commandoes at Law, anyone?

Well I'll Be Damned

I didn't intend this to be a full movie review, but what the hell...

Evan Almighty

To my complete surprise, this movie didn't completely suck. Yeah, I know. It cost like $50,000 billion dollars to make, which is outrageous for a 90 minute comedy. I know, it's got Steve Carrell essentially playing Noah. And yeah, there's a flood. And Wanda Sykes. Re-fucking-diculous, I know.

Still, some of it was pretty good. For one thing, a movie that Steve Carrell signs off on can't be all bad. Logically, some of the writing had to be pretty funny, and.....it was. There were a few good jokes here and there. Also, the sheer absurdity of some the plot made it generally pretty amusing. And, I'll admit, it had some pretty cute moments, and a life-affirming story.

Granted, some of it was just lame. I'm kinda getting sick of the pro-environment plots coming out of some of today's comedies, and this was no exception. Not that I'm anti-environment, but a comedy with a pro-environment agenda bothers me along the lines of Shoot Em Up with an anti-gun policy. No thanks.

Also, there was an extended bit of slapstick humor during the ark-building scenes, where Steve Carrell injured himself in every way known to man, often repeating the same stupid mistake over and over, and often falling over for no apparent reason. I don't mind slapstick, but at least do it intelligently, and with a purpose.

All in all, I kinda liked the movie. Somebody got it for me for Christmas (not on my list), but I enjoyed it. So there.

My score: C+/B-
Recommendation: If you can step outside of your jaded, cynical selves and just try to enjoy it, it's not that bad. If you can't...well, I understand.

Road Rage

I'm not what one might call "tolerant" or "remotely patient" when driving. Though I have mellowed slightly in my old age (seriously, I have), I still feel the urge to scream at people a lot of the time. For example, people who slow down to look at car accidents. If you're slowing down because everyone ahead of you slowed down and you don't want to hit them, fine. But if you're slowing down to satisfy your own curiousity, fuck you.

Same with people who are already going the speed limit, then slow down when they see a cop. What the fuck are you afraid of, exactly? The police might start cracking down on people who drive less than five miles below the legal limit? Assholes.

Then today, when driving home on the Beltline, I encountered a vehicle driving 47 mph in the passing lane. All alone. No cars ahead of him, plenty of room to the side. I pulled pretty close behind him, and he kept puttering right along.

As far as I'm concerned, you want to drive slow, fine. But not in the far left lane. They don't call it the "passing lane" because of all the other drivers passing the people who drive in it. In some states, you're not even allowed to drive in the left lane for a certain distance when there are no other cars around. Where I come from, you can get shot for less.

Comic Books: Not Just For Dorks Anymore...Or I Have Become A Dork

I used to read comic books, way back in the day. If I had to guess, I'd say I was 7-8 years old. My older brother was the one who really liked them; I gave them a shot, and found they weren't too bad. If I remember correctly, I primarily read Batman comics; I doubt I read anything else. I never got too caught up in comics, though, because any interest I had was soon supplanted by my obsession for TV and movies. To me, they seemed infinitely more satisfying, and easier to follow. And they still do.

However, this year I've found myself going to the comic book stores more and more. Mainly because Joss Whedon, the creator of Buffy, Angel, and Firefly - possibly my three favorite fictional stories ever - has now expanded these universes into the comic book medium. Now, to be honest, there have already been Buffy and Angel comics floating around, and I never paid them any mind. Mostly because Joss himself wasn't writing them. At this time, the respective shows were still on the air (or in production of the movie, as with the continuation of Firefly). And Joss was involved in other comics, including a series called Fray and his take on the X-Men. But I never looked into those. Just not all that interested.

But then my shows ended. Firefly was taken off the air before I ever watched it; I caught it late on DVD, then saw the movie, which was awesome. Buffy ended the same year as Firefly, and went out in spectacular form. Angel was cancelled the following year, which was a travesty because it left all of the main characters in a precarious position in the final moments. Now, the TV series finale was awesome, and symbollicaly it was an excellent way for the show to go out, which made it less of a cliffhanger and more of an inevitability. However, myself and millions of others wanted to know what happend in that final battle, and got denied the chance. Similarly, although Firefly got made into a sweet-ass movie, it wasn't enough - there were so many stories left to be told, that just wouldn't, unless another movie comes out (which, at this point, doesn't seem all that likely.)

That is, until the comics came along. Not just comics telling side stories, actual canonical continuations written or supervised by Joss Whedon. Firefly came out with a three-issue set called "Those Left Behind" to bridge the gap between the end of the TV show and the start of the movie. Now a new series is set to come out in the spring called "Better Days," which I believe is also set prior to the beginning of the movie. In addition, a new graphic novel that tells the story of Book's past will also come out in the spring.

Joss also decided to continue Buffy in comics form, an official continuation referred to as Buffy Seaon 8, though it's not on television. So far there have been 8 issues, and have been relatively decent. I find that I still greatly prefer television to comics, and Buffy didn't really need to continue beyond its final TV episode, but...still good to see the familiar characters and universe that were so great on TV.

By contrast, I was extremely excited to hear the announcement of Angel: After the Fall, an official continuation of that show, which I felt really needed to continue so Joss could tell the story he intended. This isn't quite Angel Season 6, but something different - most of what was intended for that season is included, but the story is actually supposed to be much more epic in scope now, since there are no budget constraints on special effects, no problems with casting, none of the limitations a real TV show has. Of course, it has limitations specific to comics. The first issue was pretty good; rather than picking up directly where the season ended, it picks up in the near future, where some rather surprising issues with some of the characters have come up. It's still slightly hard to follow, as the writing isn't exactly "Point A, Point B, Point C." The writers (Joss and Brian Lynch) are trying not to reveal too much too early, and that's all well and good, but also leaves some genuine "What the fuck?" moments. All in all, good show, and issue 2 is out today.

So, although it's not perfect, comics have allowed the continuation of stories I love that got axed in television, which has led me into the world of comic book dorkery. It was inevitable, I suppose, but here I am.

Attention Motherfucker: Bring It

An open letter to the person who thought I hit their car, then left a profanity-filled note talking about how I was going to pay for it, which included no contact information or insurance information, and left before I got back:

Prove it.

I didn't hit your car. I had to park close to it because a snowbank had encroached on my spot. My door may have rested against your car when I opened it, but it did not scratch it. In fact, no part of my car scratched your car. You know how I can tell? Because there are no marks on my car whatsoever. If I had scratched up your car, as you claim, there would be some sort of mark on my vehicle. There's not. I've got the pictures to prove it.

You, on the other hand, have nothing. So come and get me, motherfucker.

The Most Nad-Mashing, Spine-Crunching Show on Television

I am referring, of course, to Ninja Warrior on the G4 channel, possibly the greatest thing to happen to television since "Dick in a Box." If you've never seen it (you poor bastards), let me break it down for you. Imagine an elaborate obstacle course testing your strength, agility, and endurance. Imagine four separate stages, and each is continually updated and revampted to further test the ability of the challengers. Imagine some absolutely incredible athletes in peak physical condition who become legitimate Ninja Warrior superstars through their repeated successes, who occasionally go nutty and build replica Ninja Warrior practice courses in their backyards for training purposes. Now imagine an assortment of other people from all walks of life who wish to challenge the grueling courses for themselves. Then throw in ridiculously enthusiastic announcer who exclaims every word in an overly-annunciated Japanese accent, and is not afraid to make vaguely inappropriate and often hilarious commentary.

Let me tell you, it's frickin' awesome.

Watching the true Ninja Warriors compete is amazing - the obstacles are ridiculous, and seeing them overcome is pretty sweet. Watching the common folk compete is generally pretty funny, because when someone fails, they plummet to the water in agony. And, for both the warriors and the commoners, there's always a fair amount of absolutely wicked-looking collisions and awkward tumbles. Some are funny, some are heart-breaking, especially when a competitor sinks to the water after nearly completing an obstacle.

G4 shows it like 12 hours a day, so it's hard to miss. I strongly encourage everyone to check it out.

When Calves Attack!

I've got massive calves. Let's not fuck around. I would estimate my calves to represent approximately 90% of my body mass (not including penis mass, of course. That's a whole separate entity). Now, generally my calves are a good thing. For one thing, they make a good conversation piece. Like when I go to the movies, and people behind me angrily ask why they can't see the screen, and I inform them it's just my calves. Then they're like, "Oh, yeah. Wow." Then they move away. Also, I've always been pretty athletic, and am pretty capable at most sports, despite my lack of technical skill in any of them. Being able to run fast or for long distances makes up for a lot, I've found. Particularly in soccer, which involves a whole lot of running and kicking.

However, every once in awhile, the calves revolt, as massive calves are wont to do. Specifically, they cramp up. Let me tell you, that's fucking scary shit. Once I was in a swimming pool at a YMCA, just kinda swimming by myself after a long day. I was just about to get out of the pool when all the sudden one of my calves cramped up. I literally could not move. I damn near drowned. I pretty much had to drag myself over to the wall and pull myself out of the water all by hand. Then, in my senior year of high school, I was playing in a soccer tournament, and I had not had enough water to drink that morning. Well, halfway into the second half I was chasing down an opponent who tried to dribble down the sideline. The moment I caught him, BOTH of my calves cramped up. I hit the floor. I couldn't move. My legs extended straight out, completely rigid, while the guy took the ball all the way down and scored.

It hadn't happened for awhile, but last night I had our last indoor soccer game of the season. We got through the game, a 9-1 shellacking because we did not have any substitutes. In other words, all six of us had to play all 50 minutes with no breaks except at halftime. Soon as the game was over, I walked to the sideline and attempted to remove my shoe. Only to have my left calve attack in force. Again, I was practically paralyzed from the waist down. I had to have my teammates drag me and all of my belongings out of the bench, then help me stretch my leg for like 10 minutes until it finally relaxed.

You know, it's kinda like having this giant pitbull, all bad-ass and powerful, who walks beside me and guards me against evil. I feed it, I strengthen it, and I'm damn proud of it. But every once in awhile the bastard turns on me and bites a chunk out of my unsuspecting ass.

Lesson the First

Things I've learned about the practice of criminal law so far:

1. Criminals make excellent return customers - Out of the approximately 20 clients I've had so far, most either start out with multiple cases or acquire an additional case (or 12) within a couple months.

2. DA's don't like to do any work - One of my clients had a preliminary hearing last week. When she had the audacity to go ahead with it rather than waive the hearing, the DA actually told that if she wanted the hearing he would go ahead and file another felony charge. True to his word, the bastard actually filed it. So, vindictive, lazy, or both?

3. Judges don't like criminals - Believe it or not. Especially those who commit 10 or more crimes, then whine when the judge wants them to sit in jail rather than on house arrest.

4. No one pays attention to motions - I'm still waiting on word regarding motions and demands I filed in September. I'm not keeping my fingers crossed. At this point, I feel like filing my "Motion to Dismiss Based on Imaginary Dragon," and see whether that gets me anywhere.

5. Criminals will lie to you - Either I'm an extremely trusting person, or my clients are damn convincing people. Either way, I've learned that every word a client says must be taken with a grain of salt that is approximately as large as your mom's hairy ass.

6. Caring about these people will ruin your life - Criminals or not, at the end of the day, they're just people. And people are sympathetic. Once you've heard their story, it's hard to say, "Yeah, you ought to sit in jail 'til your balls rot off." I don't like to see people lose their freedom, whether they deserve it or not. And when they do, I take it hard, as though I failed them somehow. Now I understand why criminal defense attorneys have to be assholes.

7. Disorderly Conduct can suck me - The most worthless statute I've ever seen in my life. It is the perfect law for prosecutors because absolutely any type of conduct they'd like to regulate can fall under 947.01. Let's break this bitch down a bit:
"Whoever, in a public or private place..." - This means it can occur anywhere on the face of the earth, including your own home.
"... engages in violent, abusive, indecent, profane, boisterous, unreasonably loud..." - Okay, so the law is limited to, well, pretty much any type of behavior when you're having a good time, including swearing, shouting, and cockslapping. But even if your particular behavior doesn't fall under one of those, it is still illegal if you can call it -
"...otherwise disorderly conduct..." - Otherwise disorderly? So, pretty much everything.
"... under circumstances in which the conduct tends to cause or provoke a disturbance." In other words, anything that provokes anyone in any way, or doesn't provoke someone but theoretically could, then it is illegal.
HOW THE FUCK IS THIS NOT OVERBROAD???

8. Being my own boss is as frightening as it is awesome - I set my own hours, I answer to no one. Bad-ass doesn't begin to describe that feeling. However, there is also no one to reign me in when I consider my "Motion to Dismiss Based on Imaginary Dragon" -type motions. No one to tell me that's a bad idea, or that I need to state certain things on the record, or that the outcome I'm looking for is probably illegal. It's just me. And it's kinda scary.

Well, anyway, that's what I've learned so far. Important lessons to take into my own business, where I shall continue my vendetta against disorderly conduct, file frivolous and outlandish motions, and try not to care when my clients (deservedly) go down in flames...

Favoritism

So I watch a lot of television. That's no secret. I've already reviewed my favorite shows - Buffy, Angel, the West Wing, Firefly, Veronica Mars, Battlestar Galactica, Lost, Alias, Smallville (kinda), and Heroes. Also, though I never reviewed it, the new version of Dr. Who on the BBC (the first season, anyway - the next DVD's havent' arrived yet). After watching these shows over and over and over, I have compiled a list of my favorite episodes of all time. My favorites, mind you, not the best episodes ever. Although, I chose these episodes with an eye toward what I felt best represented the strengths of each series.

Major spoilers abound if you haven't watched these shows, of course. Also, many of these are two-part episodes, and I included both parts (even though, generally, part 2 is always better and more important) because that's how the story was told. These are in no particular order, and not a complete list yet. I will probably put up 15 or so, and I will update this list as soon as I decide on my other favorites.

That said, here we go:

- Doctor Who - The Parting of the Ways - Season 1, Episode 12

For those of you unfamiliar with this British phenomenon, Dr. Who is a time-traveller who ventures back and forth through time to save humanity from various dastardly villains. Chief among them are the Daleks, a ridiculous-looking yet still terrifying race of robots, whom the Doctor had supposedly wiped out during the Time War. After a season's worth of thrills with his new companions Captain Jack and would-be love interest Rose, the Doctor learns that not only are the Daleks back, but they have Rose captive and are about to invade earth. The Doctor faces a choice of whether to wipe out the Daleks once more and destroy every single being on earth in the process in order to save all the other planets from the inevitable Dalek invasion. Heavy stuff, and well-acted as ever by the gleefully manic and intense Christopher Eccleston (also Claude on Heroes) as the Doctor.

- Angel - Lullaby (pts 1 & 2) - Season 3, Episodes 8 & 9

This show featured a vampire with a soul who, after a life of ruthlessly and sadistically killing humans, chose to atone for his crimes by protecting people from demons. The theme of redemption was prevalent throughout the 5 season this show aired, and none moreso than Season 3. Just when Angel had gotten everything on track, and finally had a glimmer of happiness come into his life, his horrific past came back to haunt him. Two centuries prior, Angel and his vampiric love, Darla, had terrorized a noble demon hunter and killed his children. Now, through some mystical miracle, Angel was about to have a son of his own. Queue the return of the demon hunter, who made a deal with a demon to travel two centuries in the future to finally exact his revenge, arriving just when Angel's own son was about to be born. The final moments are breath-taking.

- West Wing - Posse Comitatus - Season 3, Episode 22

The brilliant political drama's third season finale found Jed Barlett in the midst of a presidential re-election campaign, and tackled the heavy question of whether it is acceptable to use force in the absence of authorizing law. For a man dedicated to serving the people and upholding the law, Bartlett found himself struggling with the question of how to deal with a known terrorist who was essentially above capture by legal or diplomatic means. This episode also presented Jed's face to face meeting with his opponent for president, as well as the shocking murder of CJ's secret service protector, with Jeff Buckley's haunting rendition of "Hallelujah" in the background.

- Firefly - Serenity (pts 1 & 2) - Season 1, Pilot

For some ungodly reason, the FOX executives decided that the original pilot for Firefly did not have enough action, so they decided to air it out of order, skipping this two-part episode and airing "Train Job" first. This, of course, was the worst decision ever made by anyone since Hitler decided to launch a winter invasion of Russia (itself the worst decision ever made by anyone since Napoleon tried the same thing). To me, the original pilot for Whedon's space opera still stands as a perfect encapsulment of the show. Plenty of action, plenty of character development, and so many classic moments, it felt like a mini-movie unto itself. Mal shooting the horse. Mal shooting the Alliance agent without any hesitation. Mal pretending that Kaylee had died, as a wicked practical joke on Simon. Absolutely perfect.

More to come...

The Perils of Hunting Cheney

Here's to not knowing when to quit. Presidential candidate and noted leprechaun Dennis Kucinich has proposed a resolution to impeach Vice President Cheney. That resolution is now headed to the House Judiciary Committee for further deliberation. This impeachment resolution alleges "high crimes and misdemeanors" by Cheney in the events leading up to the Iraq war. For those of us who have been counting the minutes until the Bush/Cheney (debacle) ticket expires, this is great news, right?

Well, no. I'm not even talking about the fact that it won't work. Seriously, let's say it did - that Cheney was voted out on his ass. Big blow to the GOP, right? I mean, Bush is still in the high seat, but at least the devil on his shoulder is cast back to the pit where he belongs, right? If nothing else, it's a moral victory.

If I'm not mistaken, "moral victory" in this case would be about the equivalent of "Pyrrhic victory." Kicking Cheney out now won't do any good. We can't undo the past by tagging Cheney's fat ass. At this point, there is no point. Not only that, it could make things much, much worse.

What I'm more worried about, other than simply an empty victory, is the fact that the White House would need a new VP. That means some Republican would be elevated to the Vice Presidency. Is this what we want, now, at the beginning of a presidential election campaign when the GOP really doesn't have all that strong of a front-runner? It's still damn early in the campaign - anything can happen at this point. So forcing the current VP out runs the risk of elevating another stalwart Republican with eyes on the nation's throne into an executive office position of leadership. Good idea.

Now, say what you will about the whether there's actual power in the VP position. I don't think the VP's such an empty shirt role anymore. What more evidence do you need that the VP position has real power than Cheney? If he were just some guy waiting for the President to die so he could take the starting spot, would people really be out for blood right now trying to bring him down?

Maybe the GOP doesn't have anyone ready who could step into the VP spot, and would also be a legitimate presidential candidate. But I don't think that's a risk worth taking to find out. I say if you want a change in leadership, swallow the bitter pill of waiting for this one to expire and concentrate your efforts on ensuring that something better replaces them.

Felons!!

Vice just picked up his first felony (client) today. Preliminary Hearing set for Thursday morning. First evidentiary hearing I've had since I entered the defense game.

Also, I'll start posting more soon. I've been working much harder than I'd care to lately, leaving me little time. I'm readying a list of top 10-15 favorite television episodes, though. Be warned.

Vice Law Offices, S.C. : Serving Your Mom Since 2007

Well it's official - no one wants to hire me. That's fine. I say screw you guys, I'm going home. By "home," I am of course referring to my own business. I'm sorry it's come to this, but it had to happen sooner or later. So here's to being my own boss, setting my own hours, and hopefully working with a bad-ass partner.

25

Well, that was one bad-ass quarter of a century. It's a pretty amazing thing to be able to look back and say that each year has been better than the year before it, but that's where I'm at right now. And although the traditional Devil's Lake hiking trip didn't happen due to some inappropriately scheduled rain, the weekend was pretty sweet. Except, of course, for the ass-whipping the Bager received. But after that - a trip through a giganimous corn maze with Mr. Ismael, Dr. Utah, and Ms. PH, which was awesome. Then we played Dread Pirate, a game which basically consists of pillaging, skirmishing, and mounds of gold.

Yesterday, the assembled Superfriends (minus RPM and The San Who Shall Not Be Named, unfortunately) ate breakfast at Bluephies, played indoor minigolf at Vitense, played a massive game of RISK, watched the Packers defeat some sort of Indian tribe, and ate Butterfinger cake and ice cream. Then I spent some quality time with a bad-ass hippopotamus, read a (muh'fuckin') book, watched some Buffy, and called it a night.

The only downside about 25ism? No more health care. Assholes.

On the plus side, I can run for Congress now if I get bored doing other stuff.

Burn!

I called Charter today to see if they could help fix our internet connection, because we've had little to no signal for nearly a week. So when I get on the phone with the lady and give her my information, the first thing she says is "You're going to have to give me a moment, my computer's being slow."

I was this close to responding, "Ah, I see you also have Charter."

Watch Your Cornhole, Buddy

So for those of you who use gmail, do you know how when you're checking an email message, to the right of the message google has placed links to things that are similar to the contents of your message? For example, when I have messages that are law-related, it places links to law firms, or when one message discusses cats, there are links to cat declawing or cat rescue.

Well, in a recent message which made references to a corn maze, google gave me links to "cornhole4sale.com" and "cornholeoutlet.com."

Uh....thanks, but no thanks.....

Awesome and Great!

Here is the actual jingle that was just used on a promo for ABC:

"Make a man date
For Tuesday at 8
Cavemen and Carpoolers are
awesome and great!!"

I can't even begin to describe how much hatred is coursing through my veins right now. It's the kind of feeling that makes people start to think that genocide is an acceptable practice. Say, for example, if ABC ad executives could be considered a separate race of people. This jingle only has four lines, and three of them are atrocities against creativity. First of all, "man date?" Second, Cavemen? Third and finally, "awesome and great?"

I've got more creativity in a single strand of ball hair than these fuckers do in their whole advertising department.

Game On

Let the battle commence! If you've kept up, you'll know I'm referring to that big case I'm working on where we've been challenging the constitutionality of statutes left and right, and winning, surprisingly enough. Let me recap: first there was the defamation charge, which the State conceded was unconstitutional. Then we took a shot in the dark at the identity theft charge, and, to my utter astonishment, we won that too, and the judge dismissed. Apparently not knowing when they were completely outmatched, the State appealed immediately. While they worked on that, I set my sights on another charge, decided I didn't like that either (factual grounds, not constitutional), and filed a Motion to Destroy. Once again, the State conceded I was right. And thus fell three of six charges.

Don't call it a comeback, folks - the State filed its appellate brief about a month ago. Upon initial reading, I wanted to cry. They had two arguments, both of which seemed dead-on. But I preservered, and for the past couple weeks I have been busting my ass to, yet again, create the law I as I wish it.

Well, now it's done.

And let me tell you, it's actually pretty damn good. My last brief on this charge was pretty lame, to be honest - it was mostly misdirection and logic-leaping. Put another way, it was much like the Underpants Gnomes business plan:

Step 1 - The defamation statute is unconstitutional.
Step 2 - ???
Step 3 - Therefore, the identity theft statute is also unconstitutional.

This time, however, I was actually able to come up with something. For several reasons, I think - partially because of the trial court judge's unbelievably favorable ruling, partially because the way the statute applies to the facts is slightly more favorable than originally thought, and partially because I found some relatively decent caselaw. So now it's all set to go, with my name included on the cover and everything.

Now the AG gets another chance to reply, then it's off to the Court of Appeals. Possibly the Supreme Court, if they agree to bypass.

Time for Thunderdome. I don't really expect to win, but holy balls if we did.....

Good Enough For Me

(Sniff) What's that I smell? (sniff) Caselaw? (sniff sniff) Favorable caselaw? (sniff sniff) Relatively-on-point? You've got to be kidding me. (sniff) Published favorable relatively-on-point caselaw? Weird. Ooh, what's that? (sniff) Federal? Nice. Oh, wait... (sniff) New Hampshire? Thats...kinda like a state, right?

Fuck it. It's going in.

Beach Cats

It's official - after months of cat-not-having, we now have approximately two cats in the apartment. Their names are Emmy and Maggie, both are females. Emmy is a dark gray color, while Maggie is gray and white. They are both supercute, and friendly.

I have to say, the best part about having cats so far is having watched Maggie stare down a stuffed purple unicorn for nearly fifteen minutes. The unicorn, of course, never blinked, so Maggie became pretty unnerved, and repeatedly backed away in fear. Then she would peak her head back out, stare down the unicorn again, until again becoming wary of its fearsome appearance and backing away.

Charity

I took an appointed case for a young woman a couple months back, and that case is now resolved. Her mother was a codefendant in the case, and she was at her daughter's hearing. The mother did not have an attorney. Her own pretrial came up, and now she asked if I could represent her. This was two days prior to the hearing, mind you. I thought fuck it - I've read the police reports, I know the facts, I don't need to do any investigation. Just a phone call to the DA, a brief appearance at the hearing, and it would be over. I decided to take it pro bono.

I called the DA to negotiate. She couldn't talk to me because she thought I had a conflict of interest. Fine, that's fair. So I got a written waiver of conflict of interest from the mother.

Today I go to the hearing. Stand there for an hour, because the DA's can't find the file. Finally they get it, and ask to speak with me. Then the DA says she can't speak with me about the case because I have a conflict of interest. I told her I got a written waiver. She says I need one from the other client too, and explains how there could be all sorts of things that could happen if one testifies and says something against the other's interest, or I bring up something said in confidence said by one. Okay, I suppose that could theoretically happen, but how is that the DA's problem? Isn't that my problem?

Whatever. I tell them I can get the waiver no problem. They say I still might not be able to represent her. Nigga what? "You should call the Ethics Hotline," she says. Aw, helllllllll no. Don't fucking tell me I need to get waivers, but if I get waivers, you still can't speak to me.

Mind you, I'm just being a nice guy here. I'm not getting paid. I just wanted to help her out. Fact is, IF I do any more work on this case, and I get a waiver and the DA still won't talk to me, I'll cockslap her so hard her teeth fall out.

Lesson learned: Don't ever try to help people.