At Last

Another soccer game, another injury. Vice has a tendancy to play balls-to-the-wall soccer, which usually results in a nasty new injury each week. (My right big toenail has been blue and purple for like 4 weeks now, with no signs that the shit will go away any time soon.) Well, I'm happy to report my latest injury - something fucked up my ankle, leaving me gimping around the apartment.

The plus side to all of this? I finally have an excuse to use my Dragon Cane. Bad-ass.

Facism at Home

Thought I'd alert all of you unsuspecting moviegoers to a sinister plot to ruin the moviegoing experience. If you're thinking about seeing a movie at the Star Cinemas theater on PD, don't. Apparently Star has been bought out by the some unknown company with a "K" in its logo, which I assume can only be a branch of the Ministry of Love. Last night was the first time in a while that I had seen a movie at that theater, so I'm not sure exactly when this K monstrosity took over. But I can tell you about their "improvements," which seemed much akin to the UW's improvement in the transcripts department (e.g. making the transcripts $8 each rather than free, moving the registrar's office to a less convenient location, generally making them more difficult to obtain, etc.).

What improvements have the K-holes made, you ask? Well, for starters, the prices for the snacks are no longer listed with tax. So, instead of listing $6.25 for a tub of popcorn, they list $5.93, or some shit. A minor annoyance, perhaps. (Also, I believe they raised the prices. Last I recall, a large popcorn was $5.75. Maybe I'm wrong, so I'll leave that one alone.)

You want a real complaint? How about this - they will no longer give you little plastic cups for your water. Instead, they now give you conical paper cups. Flimsy, crappy paper cups that don't even fit into the cup holders! The bottoms of the cup holders have a piece of plastic that prevents the cups from sitting level. No matter how you arrange it, the cup will not sit right. So if you fill the cup, it will spill all over the floor, and onto your feet.

This, I assume, is an attempt to force people to buy the over-priced bottles of water (what do they cost now, $18 a piece?) rather than the last bastion of reasonable priced movie theater edibles - free, refreshing water. It's a complete dick move, and it made Ismael's abrupt tossing of his water cone (full of water at the time) at the garbage can and storming off a reasonable move. (Less reasonable was his later request for me to go get him another water cone.)

Further proof of the K-hole facist regime that has infiltrated Star Cinemas? They now offer only one kind of salt for your popcorn. And it's not regular salt. It's some sort of processed butter salt. What kind of horseshit is that? Butter salt isn't even the standard type of salt, so to limit our options to only that is fucktarded. Also, they no longer offer various types of flavored salts (garlic salt, ranch salt, cheddar cheese flavoring, etc) which I didn't use, but I'm sure others did. Now all we have is butter salt. Ultimately, it's still pretty good in the taste department, but that's no excuse.

Finally, and most creepily, was the admonishment that the audience receives by the movie screen just prior to the start of the film. Basically it says we needed to be on our best behavior, because there were people watching us, and would throw us out of their facist theater if we didn't obey their facist code. The crux of it was that there was a separate surveillance camera pointed at every single moviegoer in the theater, and one false move would mean our demise.

So, in conclusion, I urge you all to boycott the new K-hole Cinemas in a concerted effort to counter such assholery. Unless, of course, you want to see something on the IMAX. Or if it's right next to your house. Or if it shows a movie you want to see that isn't being shown by another theater. Or, you know, if you like facism.


SIDE NOTE - Prince Caspian is a pretty damn good movie. I have no idea if it was remotely like the book, but it was a solid piece of entertainment. I'd highly recommend it.

I Have Seen the Future, and It Is Awesome

Forget your fancy sports cars, your hybrids, your battle tanks, and your Batmobiles. (Well, maybe not your Batmobiles...) I have seen the future of automobilery, and it is much better than any of that. No need for hydraulics. No need for shocks. No need for tires.

Everybody, get your hovercrafts!!

That's right. They're finally here, real live hovercrafts. And they're awesome.

Check this video, and turn the sound way up. It's the promotional video for the first commercially viable hovercraft. Check it.

I love the future.

This One's For You, Ismael

As we crossed the road to get back to our apartment complex, PH and I were accosted by a vehicle full of women. Upon driving past us, one leaned out the window and shouted the following phrase:

"It's my money, and I want it now!"

It's Alive!

Good God almighty, our satellite TV is back on line. After three weeks of being reduced to network programming, we finally got our TV back up and online. The recent drought almost made me want Charter back (shudder, gasp). It only took one competent person three hours messing around with our satellite, in the middle of a thunderstorm and pouring rain, no less, to fix the problem. Poor guy. He was a champ.

Anyway, now I can finally get back to several pointless hours of channel surfing each day. More importantly, the return of the Daily Show and Colbert, so I can catch up on current events.

Way to Represent Your Gender

"Women's emotions are controlled by their vaginas. Vaginas interfere with the ability of women to reason. Vaginas make women moody and irrational. Women in power would make rash, illogical, emotion-based decisions. This is why they are not qualified to hold public office, and why they should not be allowed to participate in the political sphere."

This, in a nutshell, has been a dominant strain of thought regarding the role of women in politics, dating back pretty much forever. Accordingly, government has always been the dominion of men. And to a large extent, it still is, despite the tremendous advancements made by women over the past couple centuries. Look no further than American government for proof. In America, women have only had national suffrage since 1920. The vast majority of seats in the House and Senate are occupied by men - women make up just over 16% of Congress, as opposed to over half of the general population. We have never had a female president.

The question, of course, is why. I mean, really. I suppose the situation in Congress is as much the problem of incumbency as it is residual chauvanism. Members of congress just don't get defeated, whether male or female. That's why we get senators who are over 100 years old, or members of the house on their 30th term. In this system, change happens slowly, if at all.

That doesn't account for the presidency, of course, as presidents have term limits. We've had 42 presidents (not double-counting Cleveland, who was #22 and 24), and none have been women. We haven't even had a woman as a major party nominee yet. The closest was Geraldine Ferraro, Walter Mondale's running mate in 1984 for the Democratic Party. We have more and more women running in primaries, but to date, no female nominees.

Of course, this year we almost had Hillary Clinton. You'll hear the phrase "groundbreaking" liberally applied to her campain, and it was - she was a major-party frontrunner for over 10 months, and barely missed out on the nomination. As we all know, she was defeated by the equally groundbreaking campaign of Barack Obama, the first African American to be a major party's nominee for president. We've all heard how these two candidates have energized women and African Americans, respectively. And I guess that's only natural. If I was a woman or an African American, and I was a student of history and current affairs who understood the centuries of political oppression, and was frustrated by the continuing lack of proportional numbers of women or African Americans in power, I would probably also be very excited about these two candidates. (In fact, despite the fact that I'm a white male, I was very excited about both. Admittedly, I supported Obama over Hillary, and I generally think that she's a bad person. But I think both would be excellent as president, and if things had gone the other way, I would have voted for Hillary in a heartbeat.)

But then, that also brings up the problem of "symbolic" or "descriptive" representation. Basically, it's a question of whether the gender or race of a candidate actually matters. On the one hand, taking the view that we're all created equal, it shouldn't matter. A man should be able to represent women just as well as he represents men, and vice versa. Whites should be able to represent blacks just as well as they represent whites, and vice versa. With this ideal in mind, the race and gender of a candidate should make no difference to voters.

This is why I've always been pissed off when someone asks the question, "Hypothetically, would you ever vote for a woman as president?" The question only gauges whether or not I'm a sexist. All I know about this hypothetical candidate is that she's a woman. I know nothing of her positions on the issues. I know nothing of her character. Ultimately, I know nothing about her. All I can tell you is that the fact that this candidate possesses a vagina doesn't disqualify her from office in my book. Same with race, same sexuality, same with any other superficial characteristic you can come up with.

Of course, not all voters think this way. Some voters harbor gender or racial biases. They care about these superficial characteristics. A lot. Some truly believe that a woman will better represent women, or that an African American will better represent African Americans. And they may not be wrong, because politics often doesn't follow the ideal I mentioned. That's just the reality of the situation. And, in my opinion, it means that people who vote based primarly on race or gender are not foolish simply because they base their votes on these supposedly superficial characteristics.

But then there are others who I won't hesitate to judge as being foolish. Take, for example, this woman. An ardent Hillary supporter, Billie Bromer says that she is highly unlikely to vote for Obama in November now that Hillary has been defeated in the race for the Democratic nominee, despite the fact that Bromer is a Democrat. Bromer's not alone - a substantial portion of Hillary's supporters are considering either not voting, or possibly voting for Republican nominee John McCain. Now, I won't outright call these people stupid. If McCain's positions on the issues are more in line with yours than Obama's are, fine. But the voters - particularly women - who won't vote for Obama because their beloved female candidate got defeated are idiots. Just listen to this statement by Bromer, as part of her explanation of why she won't vote for Obama:

"We are homeless now and we are desperately seeking a home. We feel we have been ''abused'' by the Obama campaign and by the Democratic party.

Why would we go back to our abusers, especially when they continue to minimize our thoughts and feelings? The feminist in some of us certainly trumps any party loyalty we may have had and actually trumps any views we may have on Roe v. Wade or Iraq."

The last line is what really makes me angry. This woman is essentially voting squarely based on the vagina. The "feminist" in her trumps all other issues? Then she probably shouldn't be allowed to vote. Hillary Clinton stood for a whole lot more than simple possession of a vagina. I guarantee you she wasn't running to put a woman in the White House - she was running to push her issues, such as...for instance...Roe v. Wade, or Iraq.

Sure, why not vote for McCain? Except that his positions are pretty much diametrically opposed to those of Hillary. Sure, why not stay home on election day, let your non-vote be a boycott for your candidate getting defeated? Except that by not voting, you're not engaging in the political process. By not voting, you're making it a little more likely that the candidate who opposes your candidate's positions on every issue will get elected.

It seems to me that this woman is betraying the very principals her candidate stood for. It seems like her stance is completely irrational. It seems like she's acting out of spite and emotion rather than reason and logic. It seems like she's doing a complete disservice to herself, her candidate, and her gender.

Then again, I'm just a man. What do I know?

Motion Practice

As a lawyer, a lot of what I do is paperwork. As a defense attorney, a lot of what I do is filing motions. Most are just procedural necessities; others have real meaning. Some are pointless. Some are bound to fail. Some are bound to piss people off.

But there are others that I just love. Two in particular. I love the act of writing them, knowing their significance. But even more satisfying is the act of filing them. Whenever I hand one to the clerk, I just get that feeling. The clerks never realize the significance of the particular motion to me, but I kinda wish they did. I keep waiting for one who's in the know, one who looks down at it, then she's like, "For realz?" And I'm like "Fuckin' right." Then we high-five. It's awesome. Or, it's awesome for me, anyway.

So what are these motions, specifically?

1. Motion to Dismiss, on behalf of a client I like

2. Motion to Withdraw, on behalf of a client I hate

It's hard to decide which I enjoy more. All in all, I'd say number 1, but not by much.

Imaginationland

On Thursday, in a speech given in the pivotal electoral battleground state of Ohio, Republican frontrunner John McCain unveiled his vision of the future following four years of a McCain presidency. As a response to all of those who worry that a McCain presidency would simply be a continuation of what many consider to be the disastrous policies of the current administration, McCain envisions a golden age of relative peace and prosperity for America, where our current problems have long since been solved, and the uncertainty and disillusionment of 2008 will seem like mere bad dreams. I think you'll agree that McCain's vision demonstrates without a doubt why he should be elected. If you are ready, I would be honored to take you on a whirlwind tour of McCain's America, circa January 2013:

- The Iraq war has been won. Iraq will be a functioning democracy, and most of our troops will have returned to us. The few remaining divisions will only be staying behind to act as collection agencies, who spend their days counting the money that the newly democratic people of Iraq have graciously begun to donate to the United States to express their undying gratitude for bringing peace and freedom to their land.

- The international community will have convinced Iran and North Korea to abandon their nuclear aspirations. More specifically, Iran and North Korea will be convinced to abandon these aspirations by an international coalition of freedom-loving robots that will invade these nations, killing every single living person in sight, including Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. The robots that seize power and establish their respective constitutional robocracies will have no interest in developing nuclear weapons, instead setting their sights on enslaving the surrounding nations and bending them to their merciless robotic will.

- Osama bin Laden will have been captured and killed. McCain himself will lead the expedition, hunting through the caves of northern Pakistan, and will battle Osama in a fight to the death. The fight will end when McCain distracts bin Laden by pointing behind him and getting him to turn around, at which point McCain will exclaim "Yippie ky-aye, motherfucker!" and punch a hole through bin Laden's face. Luckily, these events will be captured on film, and turned into the final installment of the Die Hard franchise, entitled Die Hard 5: Die Already.

- There will still not have been a major terrorist attack on the United States since September 11, 2001. The tide will turn for good in December of 2010, when the terrorists accidentally set off a bomb in Paris. On that day, the terrorists will finally decide to change their ways after witnessing firsthand the true consequences of terrorism, when hundreds of innocent civilians are killed. Following this shocking tragedy, terrorist leaders will band together to institute a policy of pacifist terrorism only.

- Domestically, the United States economy will be seeing an unprecedented surge. All the jobs that had been lost to developing foreign countries will return through President McCain's sweeping Employment Repatriation Act of 2009. Every industry will be seeing record growth, particularly the candy manufacturing industry. Under a McCain presidency, the American people will begin constructing life-sized gingerbread houses covered in candy canes and gumdrops. They will drive licorice cars down roads made out of peanut brittle, through forests made of lollipops and over rivers filled with sugar plums and cotton candy. The impending oil crisis will be averted when a rancher discovers a massive and untapped oil reservoir beneath Jellybean Mountain, and the price of gas will plummet to 0.85 chocolate coins / gallon by 2011.

- Siberians will stop bitching about how fucking cold it is over there.

- The problems of global warming and illegal immigration will be solved simultaneously through McCain's strategic use of Giant Brick Walls around the border. These GBW's will be approximately 1.5 miles high, will surround every American border and oceanfront, and will be made out of special Mexican-resistent and greenhouse gas-resistent bricks.

- Flying cars will have finally been invented, and will be affordable enough for civilian use. Unfortunately, they will have been invented by the robots, and will only be used by the robots to fly over foreign nations and kidnap their women.

As you can see, McCain's America is a strong, successful America, on the verge of becoming a complete utopia. But the only way to make this dream a reality is to vote for John McCain. Think about it - five years from now the Iraq war will be over, almost. Osama bin Laden will be an afterthought. Americans will no longer have to worry about terrorism, oil shortages, rising gas prices, unemployment, global warming, bitching Siberians, or illegal immigration. Really, the only remaining threat will be the robots. And honestly, you can't blame John McCain for all of our robot-related problems. Sure, some stick-in-the-mud liberocrats will point out the fact that the only reason McCain will be alive in 2013 is because of his newly designed robot exoskeleton, and the fact that McCain will be the democratically elected Supreme Chancellor of Robotica.

But, I mean, come on, people. He's just one man. (Well, technically, half-man, half machine. But you get the idea.)

Vote McCain!

McCain looks into his magical, floating crystal ball.

U(nidentified) F(atass) O(bject)s

Almost forgot to mention this. As I was walking toward the Dane County Courthouse the other day, guess who I saw? To narrow it down, let's do it twenty questions style:

20. Yes, it is a human being, barely.

19. Yes, this person is male.

18. Yes, he is an attorney.

17. No, this person does not have a soul, except for the ones he stole.

16. Yes, he does leave a trail of slime behind him as he walks.

15. No, he has never met a bag of pork rinds het didn't like.

14. Yes, he has litigated many cases in federal court.

13. No, he does not like to brag about it, he just can't help it.

12. Yes, he is much better than you, and would like to thank you for acknowledging it.

11. No, he does not like kittens, except in a stew.

10. Yes, he did recently escape being chained to a lake of fire in hell.

9. No, he didn't mind it there, except for the disappointing shortage of evilness in his peers.

8. Yes, he went to "law school" at Marquette.

7. Yes, he does teach legal writing at UW.

6. No, his grading scale does not extend past an 84.

5. Yes, he does ooze bacon fat from his pores.

4. No, he will not sign autographs.

3. Yes, he does buy his hair from KMart.

2. Yes, every time he smiles, a small child dies of heart failure.

1. No, he is not the greatest trial attorney in America. He is the greatest trial attorney in the history of the galaxy.


Who is this mystery man?

If you guessed Bob Fuckin' Kasieta, you're absolutely right.

Award yourself the number of points corresponding with the point at which you guessed correctly, and may God have mercy on your souls.

Finally, a Movie Named After My Penis

Starting the summer off right, I bring you (official) movie review numero 10:

Iron Man

Comic book superhero movies have always been pretty hit or miss. Anyone remember Superman 4 or Batman and Robin? Me neither. Then the 2000's saw a re-emergence in quality superhero movies, led by the first two Spiderman movies, the first two X-Men installments, and a reset of the Batman franchise in Batman Begins. However, as the genre became more lucrative, everyone started jumping on the bandwagon. All comics became fodder for movies, whether worthy or not. Ghostrider happened, and the death toll is still rising. The Fantastic Four and Incredible Hulk franchises seem to be in a deadlocked race to see which offering blows the most goats. Even the third installments of Spiderman and X-Men were noticeably weaker than their predecessors. And to top it all off, Lex Luthor tried his hand at yet another real estate scheme.

But there seems to be no end in sight to the superhero movie trend, as every third rate superhero is still getting his or her own movie. 2008 seems to be no different, with new Incredible Hulk, The Punisher and Hellboy offerings on the way. July will bring us The Dark Knight, which should provide the Batman franchise's pinnacle if Spiderman 2 and X-Men 2 are any indication.

Then there's Ironman. I never read this comic. I never read anything about this character. The concept is pretty self-explanatory, and kinda silly - man wears suit of metal, blows shit up. Hey, worked for Robocop, right? Except, at this point, we demand a lot more of our superheroes than simple mindless destruction and badassery. Some skepticism here was clearly warranted.

The trailers gave me hope, however. Robert Downey Jr. was cast as the lead. Not the typical buffed up pretty boy, by any stretch. Downey's got some read comedic chops, when he's not languishing in a gutter strung out on crack. To me, comedy is an essential element of any superhero movie. I mean, we're watching some completely unrealistic shit, often involving a cape and tights clad wackjob running around trying to stop the end of the world. Without some serious levity, there's only going to be laughter for the wrong reasons. (See, e.g., Attack of the Clones. "Oh Amidala, last time I saw you I was like 8 years old and you were much older, but ever since then my loins have throbbed for you. Look at how serious my expression is! Our love is so epic!" And scene.) Thankfully, Iron Man has comedy to spare. It comes at all the right moments. The first attempts at flight are particularly laugh-out-loud hysterical.

Then you've got characters. Iron Man, aka Tony Stark, is an incredibly arrogant and equally brilliant billionaire playboy who designs and glibly markets military weaponry without stopping to consider the consequences. His transformation toward having a conscience and concern for stopping the global bodycount is fairly believable, and he remains the same likeable jackass from beginning to end. Plus, the plot offers a valid criticism toward today's profiteering off of warmongering, while never actually getting preachy. A tough balancing act, but this movie pulled it off pretty well.

The action is generally pretty strong, if not spectacular. The final battle is pretty much what you'd expect, but avoids descending into outright lameness, which was a definite possibility given the setup. Overall, a rock solid effort all around, considering it's a guy in a metal suit.

And the best part - I didn't even realize there was a comic book superhero named after my penis. You see, on my first and only trip to Washington D.C. I attended a sort of young leader's conference. The students were all arranged into groups of 25, and as an introductory game we all gave our names and our favorite hobby. One member of our group, who would later become one of my best friends in the history of the universe, informed us that, as a rule, each man's penis should have a nickname based off of his hobby. The only names I can remember are "Rocky," for a rock climber friend of mine, and my own member's name - "Iron Man," based on my love of golf. I thought it fairly appropriate. And I knew Ozzy did a pretty badass tribute song back in the day, which was used to good effect in both the movie trailer and the movie itself. But now I've got a whole movie I can point at -- a damn good movie, no less -- and say, "My schlong inspired that phenomenal piece of filmmaking."

Although, to be fair, as far as tributes go, I'll always be partial to the People's Republic of China and their aptly named "Dragon Tower."

My score: A-
Recommendation: Hellz fuckin' yeah.

Attacked!

High above in its mountainous fortress, the Beast watched and plotted. Little did I know it had me it its sights, stalking me, awaiting only the right moment to spring its trap. I had ventured into its domain, a slight the Beast would not abide.

Too late I heard it move; too late did I sense the attack. I raised my hands in defense, but the Beast coiled and struck true, its talons clawing deeply into the exposed flesh of my face.

Then, victorious in its conquest, the Beast slinked away, to wait and plot its next attack.

But my scars remain, and may never heal. Forever they shall attest to the fated night when I became the hunted.

TRANSLATION: I was watching TV on the lower bunk of the bunkbed in the office of our apartment. The cats normally call the top bunk home, and occasionally jump to the lower bunk to get down. K2, aka Maggie, aka Fatpants, decided to jump down. I heard her rustling up above, and shifted slightly in my place. The son-of-a-bitch misjudged her landing and ended up landing claws-first directly on the left side of my face.

So yes, I've got some pretty sweet scars. If anyone asks, I got attacked by a jungle cat.

Sucks For You!

One of those moments happened at lunch today. You know, the kind where it's so incredibly awkward and embarassing for someone, the kind that we never ever want to happen to ourselves? Thankfully, it didn't happen to me. And it didn't happen to Ismael, or PH, who were also present. It didn't even happen to the esteemed Mr. Utah, oddly enough, though it seemed exactly the type of thing that would happen to him. On a regular basis.

The scene - myself, Ismael, PH, and another law school acquaintance were eating lunch at a downtown restaurant. All of us are criminal defense lawyers, to some extent. So, naturally, the topic of conversation came around to DA's whom we just can't stand. Our acquaintance began a rant about a particular DA that he'd had problems with recently, going so far as to call him an "asshole." That was the point where I looked up.

Lo and behold, that very same DA was sitting just a few tables away.

"He's here!" I gasped, as subtly as I could. The conversation didn't quite stop, but soon everyone realized that not only was the DA right there, but that he had probably heard a good portion of the rant directed at him.

As a young criminal defense attorney trying desperately to get treated with respect by the local DA's, I can't think of a much more horrifying thing to happen.

Except, perhaps, if it was a judge.

Oh well. At least it didn't happen to me.

I've Gotta Have More Googly Eyes

The legendary Christopher Walken hosted Saturday Night Live for the 100th time last weekend. As usual, he managed to make it funny. Here's my favorite sketch, entitled "Indoor Gardening Tips from a Man Who's Very Scared of Plants":

Geek Out

I attended the Oddyssey Convention ("OddCon ")this weekend in Madison, a three day event at the Radisson where geeks united to discuss super-geeky shit. Much of it was geared towards writers - novelists, screenwriters, poets, etc., while the rest was for fans of the sci fi/fantasy media. Being an both an aspiring writer and a big fan, I found plenty to enjoy.

The main reason I went is that my favorite author, George R.R. Martin, was the headlining guest. For those of you who've never heard of him, George is the author of the "A Song of Ice and Fire" series. Simply put, it's fucking awesome. Basically historical/fantasy fiction along the lines of Tolkien but with a decidedly humanistic approach, rather than the standard elves, dwarves, and wizards that most Tolkien-esque writers have adopted in his wake. There is some magic involved, but mostly at the fringes. Martin's books are wonderfully complex, especially if you enjoy a good amount of political intrigue, as well as copious amounts of blood, sex, death, cursing, and glory. They are quite long and increasingly bloated, but the most engaging and compelling story I've read in awhile. So getting to see him up close and personal was pretty cool.

Beyond that, I was once again faced with the (comforting) knowledge that I will never reach the astronomical levels of geekdom reached by a select few. For instance, to be a supergeek, as a man I would have to either (a) stop shaving and grow a Santa Claus-esque beard, (b) stop getting my hair cut, allowing myself a long, flowing ponytail, and (c) gain approximately 300 lbs. To become a supergeek woman, one would follow step (c), never comb her hair, ever again, obtain a set of face-swallowing, 7 inch thick bifocals, and possibly step (a), at your discretion.

Also, while I generally don't condone taking certain people and holding them up for public ridicule, there was one woman there who was so beyond geeky, so fantastically nauseating, so blissfully obnoxious that I can't not mention her. She had it all - the frizzed-out tuft of hair, the 7 inch thick bifocals, and the 200 lbs of extra blubber. She also wore the same outfit all three days. But more than that, she always sat right in the front (occasionally on the floor rather than chairs), spoke very slowly and in a nasal voice approximating that of Towelie, and constantly blurted out ridiculously stupid comments and questions. And since she was right in the front, she kept interrupting the panelists. By the second day, both fans and panelists alike cringed when they saw her enter the room. At one point, when she asked a blatantly stupid question, a panelist appropriately replied, "That's a stupid question." One of the other panelists tried to soften it, backpedaling for the guy, but he insisted, "No. It's stupid. I'm not going to answer it." Then, on the final day, she gave an absolutely perfect comment to close out the weekend. A panel was talking about multi-book storytelling, and one author referred to something as being "like juggling alligators." Then this woman opined, in her disturbingly shrill voice, "The thing about alligators is, you never know if...you've got them the way...um, wait, if they've got you...um..." And then the awkward trail-off into the oblivion of retardedness.

Perhaps she was mentally ill, and if so, I apologize. But if not, she owed everyone else at the convention an apology for inflicting her presence on what was otherwise a pretty fun weekend.

Still, enduring the atrocious hairstyles, facial hair and outfits was worth it, if only to indulge my inner geek for a little while.

How About a Little Less Insulting My Profession, A Little More "Shut the Hell Up"

Wisconsinites are retarded. Gableman? A justice of the Wisconsin Supreme Court?

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

I grew up in this state. I know the population is comprised mostly of rural, conservative people. I've always tried to be open-minded. My friends in high school were mostly of this ilk. On many a Friday night I found myself attending county fairs, stock car races, and smoke-filled local taverns because that's what my friends were into. I didn't hunt, I didn't fish, I didn't drive a pickup truck, I didn't listen to either country or heavy metal music, I didn't smoke, and I didn't drink. Needless to say, I didn't fit in at all.

But the people who did do all of those things were my friends and their friends and their families and my family. They are good, intelligent people.

Yet I know they're the same idiots who just elected Mike Fucking Gableman to the supreme court.

I've already tried not to feel better than these people. I've always been a couple steps ahead academically, but I tried to check my arrogant, elitist nature at the door when thinking about my home town and its inhabitants.

But no. Fuck that. I'm better than them. If only because I know better than to vote for Mike Gableman.

Forget the fact that he's just another bag of hot air who avoids the tough questions by pivoting back to his talking points. Forget the fact that he doesn't have nearly the requisite intellectual chops to be qualified for the SUPREME COURT. No, what galls me about this fucker is the fear-mongering tactics he used to win, specifically by dragging my profession through the mud. Criminal defense attorneys are not criminals. In the criminal justice system, we play just as important a role as the prosecutors who pronounce themselves "protectors of the public." See, we're the ones defending the down-trodden. Gableman's attacks (and don't even start with the fact that most of the ads came from independant groups, because you know he sanctioned them) equated criminals with evildoers and defense attorneys as agents of the Beast. Cocksucker.

I just love when he goes on and on about how he's not some "judicial activist" like Butler, that he would "uphold the plain language of the law." Then, at the same time, he rants about how Butler used to set criminals free by using "technicalities." Ooooh, technicalities. You know what a technicality is? In this context, a technicality is when a defense attorney asserts a defendant's constitutional right, like the right of every citizen to be free from an unreasonable search and seizure, or the right to confront one's accusers in court, or the right against self-incrimination. A "technicality" is the equivalent of "upholding the plain language of the law" when applied to criminal defendants. Gasp, shudder.

The sad thing is, it's not Gableman's fault. It's the fault of the citizens of Wisconsin who fall for such tactics. More likely than not, it's the fault of my old friends, their friends, their families, and my family. So, as our constitutional rights get increasingly eroded by justices who claim to "uphold the plain language of the law," all the while advancing one political agenda, I know whom to thank.

The Importance of Grammar

Today I observed the following bumper sticker on a car window:

"Bad-ass boys ride bad ass toys!"

At first glance, this may seem like a perfectly innocuous attempt at male bravado. However, upon closer inspection, a serious flaw becomes apparent.

Now, by no means am I a grammar Nazi. Being part-black myself, I understand the occasional need to completely eviscerate the English language. Still, I have to take issue with this particular statement. Let me break it down for you:

"Bad-ass" is an excellent word, by all accounts. Often used to describe the kung fu stylings of Chuck Norris, the latest Vin Diesel movie, and Acts of Favre. However, to be used as intended in the above bumper sticker, it NEEDS a hyphen. When the hyphen is omitted, the original intent of the sentence can be completely subverted.

For example, let's examine the phrase "bad ass toys." In this context, "bad" acts as an adjective. Without the hyphen, the word "ass" is not connected to "bad;" instead, it becomes part of the object of the sentence - "ass toys."

For a man, association in any way with "ass toys" is generally not helpful when attempting to construct a macho image. Even worse, the adjective "bad" implies that not only is an ass toy in use, but the toy itself is of poor quality or craftsmanship.

And use of the verb "ride" indicates that not only does the man possess a shoddy butt plug, but confirms that he rides it.

Proper pronunciation of the phrase thus changes from what the man intended:

"Bad-ass boys ride bad-ass toys!"
to
"Bad-ass boys ride bad ass toys!"


This, my friends, is the importance of grammar.



Also, the car was a piece of shit.

Let Them Watch Horrifically Boring Crap

Let's get right to this bitch, shall we? Movie review the whateverth:

Marie Antoinette

First of all, yes, I did watch Marie Antoinette. Yes, I still have a penis. And no, it hasn't withered and died as a result of watching this movie. It did, however, give me some funny looks during the show, as if to say, "Dude, really?" I just kinda shrugged, and that was that.

Second of all, there will be no spoilers in this review. Not because I want to spare those of you who wish to see it from discovering what happens, but because nothing actually happens. I mean, I'd love to give away all the plot twists, except there is no plot. Not even one straight line of plot. Not even the slightest hint of a plot.

Now, for those of you who might someday have even the slightest desire to watch this movie, here's what I suggest you do instead. Take your average piece of toilet paper. One-ply, two-ply, quilted, doesn't matter, just rip off a square. Now, take a piece of tape, and tape that sucker to your wall. Get a nice, comfy chair, and pull it about five feet from that square of toilet paper. Now, settle in for the next two hours, and stare at that piece of toilet paper. If you happen to notice anything about it, anything at all, you will have far surpassed the viewing experience of watching Marie Antoinette.

You think I'm kidding? Right then. I will now describe for you the entire movie, frame by frame:

- Girl in dress
- Girl in carriage
- Girl meets Patches O'Houlihan (aka Louix XIV). For some reason, Patches doesn't throw any wrenches at her. He mostly stands there, terribly miscast
- Girl meets Molly Fucking Shannon in a powdered wig
- Girl goes to France
- Girl meets her husband, Max Fischer (aka Louis XVI). Max makes no attempt at acting
- Girl marries Max Fischer, becomes princess
- Girl dances
- Girl gets new dresses
- ....nothing
- Girl eats dinner
- Girl looks forlorn
- Max is terribly awkward
- Patches gets it on with Yelena from XXX
- Idle gossip
- Max is too lame to have sex with Girl
- Patches croaks
- Girl looks forlorn
- Girl gets new dresses
- Girl eats many pastries
- Idle gossip
- Girl builds peasant village
- France has an army?
- Girl contemplates buying oak trees
- Girl does it with soldier
- Girl looks forlorn
- Soldier has completely non sequitur scene atop a hill with explosions in background
- Max Fischer mumbles a bit
- Peasants surround Versailles
- Empty room
Fin.

I kept watching, waiting for something to happen. Occasionally there would be some bizarre and terribly stupid line that would hook my interest again. My girl hit it right on the head - a kind of morbid curiousity kept us both watching. Normally I'm not one to slow down for car wrecks, but with this I kind of felt like I needed the full experience to properly appreciate it. So I watched it all, in all its car wreck glory. Kind of a slow-motion, 122 minute car wreck where none of the cars actually collide with anything, and in fact there are not even any cars present.

And that about covers it.

My Score: D
Recommendation: Only if you like pretty dresses and hate the needless distractions of plotting, characterization, drama, humor, themes, events, and things that happen

Trifecta, Part II

That sound you hear is the crowd, still cheering. In my head, of course, because no one actually comes to watch my soccer games. But whatever. Point is, Monday night I got my second straight hat trick. We played a pretty decent team, who scored the first goal. We didn't have any of our usual scorers (except me, apparently). I proceeded to score the next THREE goals of the game. It was fucking ridiculous. Not to mention our goalie, "Spiderman," who was blocking goals Matrix-style at the back. Absolutely monstrous.

We ended up winning 6-1, but I prefer this statistic: I outscored the other team 3-1.

Sometimes pimpin' is easy.

For Realz

Walking down King Street today, saw an object lying on the sidewalk. Red, cylindrical, maybe 8 inches long by one inch wide. Got a little closer. Took another look.

It was a fucking vibrator.

Swear to God.

Trifecta

I'm not what one would call a "talented" soccer player. Simply put, I don't have skillz. I never have. Soccer has been my main sport for awhile now, since sophomore year of high school, when I first started playing. Prior to that I had tried just about every sport, with varying degrees of success. Basically, I was pretty athletic, though not particularly skilled at anything. Soccer ended up being a good fit, because I could run fast and wasn't afraid to be aggressive. So I became a defensive specialist, where my job was mostly to stop the other team's offense. And I was good at it. I became team captain, and even went all-conference my senior year.

After high school, I played on some summer recreational leagues, and tried indoor soccer a couple times. Indoor wasn't my thing, because there were fewer players on the field at a time, which meant everyone had to play offense and defense. So I played, and even scored a couple times from sheer luck. But sooner or later I lost interest.

However, I started playing again this past year in an effort to get in better shape (and as an outlet for aggression/competitiveness). As I said, I still wasn't very 'skilled,' which limited my effectiveness. But I've gotten better with each game, and more comfortable trying to play offense. My teams often struggled due to a lack of players, making us play 5-on-6 (or worse) a lot of the time. We had some pretty good players, but having to play all 50 minutes with no substitutes really wears on you, no matter how good you are. For this session, however, our team suddenly has more people. We also imported one player who appears to be the equivalent of Superman, who can score from anywhere on anyone. So things have really picked up. We won our first two games against pretty good teams.

Last night we had our third game. It started out horribly. The other team had a guy (#13, for future reference) that was like the Anti-Superman, with all the powers of Superman, only using his powers for evil, since he played for the other team. For the first half, none of us played all that well, and #13 led them to a 4-1 lead. In particular, I blew some serious goats, including shanking a wide open shot from a couple feet away on a beautiful pass from Superman. That was a great feeling. Again, I felt like my complete lack of technical proficiency had come back to haunt me.

But the second half was another story. When I entered the game, we were down 4-2. Our goalie, hereafter known as Spiderman (due to his quickness, sticky fingers, and general spider-like mutations) was keeping us in the game with some pretty ridiculous saves. He had directed us to gang up on #13, which I made a point to do in the second half. But first, I got down toward the goal, and Superman set me up for another shot. This time I blasted it right into the goalie's face. Frankly, I was surprised they didn't call me for a dangerous ball, because it really was. But the shot, which careened off the goalie's face and into the goal, counted, bringing us to within one goal. Then, about a minute later, I stole the ball from someone, dribbled it the length of the field (pitch, if you're a purist), beat their last defender and drilled another goal to tie the game.

Let me tell you, scoring is an awesome feeling. The whole game stops, the defeated goalie has to retrieve the ball, and you get to do a victory trot back to your half of the pitch. I don't often get to enjoy that feeling, but getting it twice in a minute was amazing. Not to mention shocking.

I left the game shortly afterward, and soon we were losing again. We had one player who, through seeming frustration, would not leave the game, no matter how tired he became. #13 went on a spree, and soon they were up 7-4. Then Superman returned to the game and got us another goal to bring it to 7-5. I returned to the game, and once again made it my mission to shut down #13. I got my chance pretty quickly, when he got the ball at mid-field, one-on-one against me. If he beat me, then he would have had an open run against Spiderman, who, though awesome, would have been hard-pressed to stop #13 without any assistance. Fortunately, I ate that fucker up. I stole the ball, passed it off, and someone else passed to another person who scored.

Not long after, I had another opportunity. Someone kicked it toward #13, but a little past him, so he would have to run to it. I beat him there, drilled the ball away, and once again someone dished it off to someone else who scored. And just like that, we were tied again, and we had all the momentum.

If I remember correctly, the next thing to happen was our tiebreaker. We had a bunch of people on offense trying to make something happen, and I was one of them. Someone passed me the ball, and I had a fairly decent opening, so I fired another shot. The goalie charged at it, but the ball ricocheted off one of the other opponents' shoulder, dropped over the goalie's head, and into the goal.

That's right -- three goals for the Viceman. I don't know how to explain that. But it happened, I swear to God.

We had the lead until somebody slipped past and hit a really tricky shot to tie it up again. But our defense held them, and I'm pretty sure Superman hit the next goal, making it 9-8. I came out soon after that, and in the final minutes someone got another goal to ice the game. We won 10-8. It was fucking fantastic. To know that we beat a good team by coming from three goals down - not once, but twice - and to know that I helped lead the charge each time (despite my staggering incompetence in the first half) was an amazing feeling.

Really, who needs actual skills when you've got luck?