It's your old pale Vice here, with a word of friendly advice. I know many of you are heading home for the holidays pretty soon; some will be driving, others will be flying. As I myself will be taking to the skies in a little over a week, I've done some research into the new airline regulations, and what items can and cannot be taken onto an airplane. A helpful, comprehensive list of prohibited and non-prohibited items can be found here, provided by the Transporation Security Administration.
If you don't want to read it, I can provide a brief summary of the highlights.
Acceptable Items (Carry-on and Checked)
Liquids - this is the big change. After the recent crackdown, the regulations have lightened up. Now you can have liquids and gels in 3 oz (or smaller) containers, all stored in a clear ziploc bag. Make that a 1 quart ziplock bag. God knows only terrorists need clear ziplock bags bigger than 1 quart. One important exception: Breastmilk. If you bring a hip flask of breast milk to the security checkpoints, be prepared to get searched.
Nail clippers - also allowed again. Apparently they used to be prohibited because you can take a nail clipper and stab somebody in the eye with it. Oddly enough, they also allow plastic knives and corkscrews, which I've been using to remove eyeballs with for years.
Toy Transformer Robots - never fear, you can take your transformers onto the plane. Unless you plan on transforming your robots into a knife, or breastmilk holder.
Walking canes - those of us who are safely on the other side of the hill can still bring our walking equipment, rather than being forced to crawl across the entire airport on our wrinkly, decrepit bellies. And we can still beat whippersnappers but good.
Diabetes - for those of you with diabetes, rest assured, you will be able to take it on vacation with you.
Prosthetic devices - another boon for the decrepits. If you have prosthetic limbs and/or torsi, you no longer have to check it.
Checked Items Only
Martial arts weapons/nanchukas/throwing stars - I was really saddened when I saw this, as the TSA has taken it upon itself to blatantly discriminate against ninjas. I thought about consulting with Mr. Utah to see if we could take this to federal court for an equal protection violation, but then I realized, ninjas are not exactly a protected class. Protected in the sense of flipping out and killing anything that moves, sure, but not protected in the strict scrutiny sense.
Stun guns/shocking devices - I've got your "shocking device" right here, assholes.
Alcohol - If you buy it inside the security checkpoint, you can have it. Otherwise, no carry-on. Note that if your alcohol is more than 140 proof, you can't have it at all. Because this is, apparently, Nazi Germany.
Cricket bats - sorry, not on the plane.
Vampire bats - again, only if checked.
Sabers/Swords - Apparently they're trying to cut down on the accidental stabbing deaths or some such. Thankfully there is no such restriction on bayonets. Which is why I'll be attaching a bayonet to my cell phone, my sunglasses, my belt, my breastmilk flask, and my vampire bat. Can never be too careful, says me.
Spear guns - As if to completely take the fun out of firing a spear through several rows of annoying people in succession, the TSA has senselessly banned spear guns on the plane. Okay smart guys, so what happens when Anarchy 99 launches an aircraft scheduled to deliver Silent Night to several major cities across the globe, and the only way to stop it is fire a spear gun at the aircraft and propel across the air onto the craft, turn the bomb upside down, and sink it in a monument to badassery? Answer me that.
Firearms - No big loss for me, but for those of you who prefer shooting over stabbing, take heed.
Axes and Hatchets - Another fine pair of decapitating implements, prohibited.
Flare guns - no visits to Woodmans while on the plane, apparently.
Hammers - Sorry, MC. Looks like you better check yoself.
Cattle prods - What?!? What happens if my cows get loose and start running willy nilly all over the plane? How am I supposed to herd them back up if I can't prod them effectively?
Tools - Now this is where it gets a little bizarre. Those tools among you who are "greater than seven inches in length" must be checked. Tools who are "less than seven inches in length" can be carried on. Some mighty picky stewardesses, if you ask me. And let's face it, the vast majority of tools are nowhere near seven inches in length. Oh, snap!!
Absolutely Prohibted Items (Carry-on and Checked)
Hand grenades/dynamite - Again, as if to take the fun out of the entire vacation. Who doesn't love randomly chucking a hand grenade on the floor of the plane, letting it roll around, and trying to guess who's going to blow up?
Chlorine bleach - And how, I ask you, am I supposed to keep my whites white?
Tear gas - They may as well ban all trips to San Francisco if you ban the most effective method of clearing out large groups of hippies en masse. Sure, I can still resort to chopping them up one by one with my truty Dirty Filthy Hippie Machete, but sometimes I don't want massive quantities of chemically-altered blood on my clothes.
That pretty much covers the essentials. Happy holidays, and here's wishing safe travel to all.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
R&R
With one final swipe of the machete, the Fall 06 semester has fallen to a close. By far, the best and easiest semester for me at the UW. What a difference knowing what you want to do and having classes related to that subject can make. After drifting through my first four semesters without really engaging in anything here, the summer experience pointed me toward what I actually care about and enjoy doing. I rearranged my schedule to reflect that, and I think my grades (subpar to this point) will show that. I can finally say with some certainty that I actually want to be a lawyer. (Well, as much of a lawyer as a prosecutor is. Honestly, it's an entirely different world.) That is, until I sell a movie script and bust on up outta this bitch.
So how now to occupy my time? Some long-neglected R&R, I should think. And by R&R, I am of course referring to Roundhousing and Reprobating. The streets miss me.
So how now to occupy my time? Some long-neglected R&R, I should think. And by R&R, I am of course referring to Roundhousing and Reprobating. The streets miss me.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
One Down
That's right, F#&% Tha Police. It went as well as can be expected, considering I didn't pay attention to any of the discussions this year. Plus, donuts were provided. Now, rather than "learning" about 5-0, I can go back to doing what nature intended - tryin' not to let 'em catch me ridin' dirty.
Next up - Cliff's Wacky African Jungle Adventure Safari and Unrelated Indonesia Questions exam. Fellow safariites, polish those machetes.
Next up - Cliff's Wacky African Jungle Adventure Safari and Unrelated Indonesia Questions exam. Fellow safariites, polish those machetes.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
America...
Consider this post a reaffirmation of American preeminence. Ever since I was little, I've developed a reputation as a notoriously picky eater. I don't like vegetables, I don't really like Mexican food, I've never gone for Chinese or Indian or any other Asian food. Growing up in a rural part of Wisconsin, I never really faced much opposition to the good old fashioned American foods I was used to. So my parochial appetite was never really an issue until I came to law school. As the most diverse place I've spent any significant amount of time in, Madison offered an exceptionally broad range of ethnic foods, many of which I've come to enjoy.
As I find more and more foods that I like outside of my usual comfort zone, I've made a sincere effort to broaden my horizons. When it's time to eat, I don't automatically go to the standard burger and fries option. For instance, today the choice of where to eat lunch fell to me, and I decided on the Rising Sons Deli, a Thai/Laotian place on State Street. Thai food has been a recent addition to my pallette, and I had heard good things about this place. Additionally, a sign in the window advertises a buffet of two entrees, rice and soda for $6.95, which is not bad (Forgetting for the moment the option of A8, who provides the same for only $4.95. And hey, they can't all be as phenomenal as A8). So I met up with Kristin, and we gave it a shot.
Come to find out, the "buffet" table has only four options, none of which look particularly appetizing. And let me tell you, thine eyes did not deceive. I got some beef noodles and some meat substance, Kristin got a vegetable deal and the noodles. She took two bites before setting it aside. I wanted to like mine; I got some salt and some soy sauce, and tried to liven it up a bit. No dice. The noodles had no taste whatsoever. The rice had coagulated into a giant mushy rice ball. And the meat -- well, each piece of meat was attached to a sizeable piece of fat. I'm not sure what the meat even was. I located one piece not attached to any fat and gave that a shot. Turns out, I don't think it was supposed to be eaten. It was incredibly gamey, and lit my mouth on fire, until I neatly disposed of the wretchedness into my napkin. In a word, the meal was God-awful.
After a short discussion, we fled to McDonalds, where chicken McNuggets and a McFlurry set things right. Then we find out that Fudruckers, them of the classic American burger and fries variety, had some sort of free meal offer going on.
I know that one abysmal experience shouldn't dissuade me from trying new foods. But right now, as of this moment, all I want to do is find me an apple pie, put a slice of cheese over it, and chomp that sucker down while I salute the flag.
As I find more and more foods that I like outside of my usual comfort zone, I've made a sincere effort to broaden my horizons. When it's time to eat, I don't automatically go to the standard burger and fries option. For instance, today the choice of where to eat lunch fell to me, and I decided on the Rising Sons Deli, a Thai/Laotian place on State Street. Thai food has been a recent addition to my pallette, and I had heard good things about this place. Additionally, a sign in the window advertises a buffet of two entrees, rice and soda for $6.95, which is not bad (Forgetting for the moment the option of A8, who provides the same for only $4.95. And hey, they can't all be as phenomenal as A8). So I met up with Kristin, and we gave it a shot.
Come to find out, the "buffet" table has only four options, none of which look particularly appetizing. And let me tell you, thine eyes did not deceive. I got some beef noodles and some meat substance, Kristin got a vegetable deal and the noodles. She took two bites before setting it aside. I wanted to like mine; I got some salt and some soy sauce, and tried to liven it up a bit. No dice. The noodles had no taste whatsoever. The rice had coagulated into a giant mushy rice ball. And the meat -- well, each piece of meat was attached to a sizeable piece of fat. I'm not sure what the meat even was. I located one piece not attached to any fat and gave that a shot. Turns out, I don't think it was supposed to be eaten. It was incredibly gamey, and lit my mouth on fire, until I neatly disposed of the wretchedness into my napkin. In a word, the meal was God-awful.
After a short discussion, we fled to McDonalds, where chicken McNuggets and a McFlurry set things right. Then we find out that Fudruckers, them of the classic American burger and fries variety, had some sort of free meal offer going on.
I know that one abysmal experience shouldn't dissuade me from trying new foods. But right now, as of this moment, all I want to do is find me an apple pie, put a slice of cheese over it, and chomp that sucker down while I salute the flag.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I'll Be Back
Apparently my efforts at getting a record number of guilty pleas to Hunting Animals From an Aircraft this summer did not go unnoticed. Today I was contacted by the Winnebago County DA's office to see if I could come back to work for them for a couple weeks over winter break. Which is pretty promising, considering the position (Criminal Traffic) I would want is going to be open in January when the new DA takes office, so I imagine I'll be helping out alot there. I doubt the position will still be available by the time I graduate, but this will at least give me a chance to reconnect back there and let them know I'm interested.
Plus, from what I hear, there's been an exponential increase in the number of coyotes and possum killed from "unidentified aircraft fire" this fall while I've been away. Time to put a stop to that malarky, by gum.
Plus, from what I hear, there's been an exponential increase in the number of coyotes and possum killed from "unidentified aircraft fire" this fall while I've been away. Time to put a stop to that malarky, by gum.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Red Tape
The clerk of courts office in Winnebago County is dangerously close to incurring my wrath. I'm attempting to finish up my Character and Fitness application for the State Bar of Nazi Germany, in time to avoid paying the ridiculous $310 charge, so that I can instead pay only the equally ridiculous $210 charge. I'm already thinking fuck that, this state ought to pay me for the privilege of having me practice "law" here. Unless this is a prospective fee for all of the concrete pillars I intend to knock down in the near future. Whatever.
Anyway, I plodded along through all of the outrageously tedious requirements they already asked for, including every address I've lived at, every job I've worked in the last 10 years, as well as contact info for my supervisor from each, and the names and contact info for 6 people who supposedly can attest to my not being a psychopath, or at least a sufficiently ethical psychopath so as to be fit to practice "law" in this state. Done.
Now all that remains is getting information on all my old traffic tickets, which conveniently disappeared off of CCAP this fall. Fine. Called the clerk of courts yesterday around 3:30. Nobody's home. Oh, I forgot, their workday ends at 3:30pm. After all, they're state employees. (No small coincidence, I suppose, that I'm going to be one too.) I called back a couple times later, no answer. I should know better.
So I call back bright and early this morning. They divert me to traffic, where some complete asshole explains to me that he can't just give me that information (won't, more like it), I need to either have someone go to their office (presumably when they're open, between 9am and 9:35 am each day) and pick up a disposition report. Or I can send them a self-addressed, stamped envelope, and they can do a full background check, and send it to me within a week. I just wanted him to read me a few bits of info, but no - he's too busy. I guess his "rest of the day off" break was coming up. I came dangerously close to hanging up on his muppet ass. Called back a few minutes later, and got a woman. Very friendly this time - she says all my info should be on CCAP still. I say it's not. She says it is for her, I say I'll check again and call back if I have a problem. I check, it's not there. I call back.
This time I get a different lady who tells me I'll have to pay for a full background check, she won't just give me that info. It'll take a week, if the girl that does the background checks isn't busy this week. I asked her if I could just have someone pick up a disposition report, like that other guy said. She says no -- disposition this. I politely thanked her, and hung up.
Apparently these asswipes can't take 5 minutes to give me the information I need, which is, of course, a public record. It's not like I'm asking for reports from the Pentagon.
So I'm calling back in about a half hour, and I'm just going to see if I can get the case numbers and dates, that's all. If they can't give me that much, I'm driving back to Oshkosh this afternoon (which is pointless, because they won't be there) or tomorrow to crack a couple skulls 'til the information I need pours out.
UPDATE - I called again, asked if I could get just the date of violation for each. Do I have the citation number? No (you retard, because if I had that, I'd run the information myself, or I'd have the damn citation with me, with would have all of the info I need). Well then, you're going to have to pay for a background check. CLICK.
UPDATE - Thought about calling back, hoping to get someone else, and explain the situation. Decided - fuck 'em. The Board of Bar Examiners will take what I give them. I put the info in to the form, to the best of my ability. So I don't have the inital court date on a seat belt violation. Disbar my fat ass (or preemptively disbar). The form does say "Fill in as much as possible." I did that, notwithstanding having to pay for a full background check on myself. That's all, folks.
Anyway, I plodded along through all of the outrageously tedious requirements they already asked for, including every address I've lived at, every job I've worked in the last 10 years, as well as contact info for my supervisor from each, and the names and contact info for 6 people who supposedly can attest to my not being a psychopath, or at least a sufficiently ethical psychopath so as to be fit to practice "law" in this state. Done.
Now all that remains is getting information on all my old traffic tickets, which conveniently disappeared off of CCAP this fall. Fine. Called the clerk of courts yesterday around 3:30. Nobody's home. Oh, I forgot, their workday ends at 3:30pm. After all, they're state employees. (No small coincidence, I suppose, that I'm going to be one too.) I called back a couple times later, no answer. I should know better.
So I call back bright and early this morning. They divert me to traffic, where some complete asshole explains to me that he can't just give me that information (won't, more like it), I need to either have someone go to their office (presumably when they're open, between 9am and 9:35 am each day) and pick up a disposition report. Or I can send them a self-addressed, stamped envelope, and they can do a full background check, and send it to me within a week. I just wanted him to read me a few bits of info, but no - he's too busy. I guess his "rest of the day off" break was coming up. I came dangerously close to hanging up on his muppet ass. Called back a few minutes later, and got a woman. Very friendly this time - she says all my info should be on CCAP still. I say it's not. She says it is for her, I say I'll check again and call back if I have a problem. I check, it's not there. I call back.
This time I get a different lady who tells me I'll have to pay for a full background check, she won't just give me that info. It'll take a week, if the girl that does the background checks isn't busy this week. I asked her if I could just have someone pick up a disposition report, like that other guy said. She says no -- disposition this. I politely thanked her, and hung up.
Apparently these asswipes can't take 5 minutes to give me the information I need, which is, of course, a public record. It's not like I'm asking for reports from the Pentagon.
So I'm calling back in about a half hour, and I'm just going to see if I can get the case numbers and dates, that's all. If they can't give me that much, I'm driving back to Oshkosh this afternoon (which is pointless, because they won't be there) or tomorrow to crack a couple skulls 'til the information I need pours out.
UPDATE - I called again, asked if I could get just the date of violation for each. Do I have the citation number? No (you retard, because if I had that, I'd run the information myself, or I'd have the damn citation with me, with would have all of the info I need). Well then, you're going to have to pay for a background check. CLICK.
UPDATE - Thought about calling back, hoping to get someone else, and explain the situation. Decided - fuck 'em. The Board of Bar Examiners will take what I give them. I put the info in to the form, to the best of my ability. So I don't have the inital court date on a seat belt violation. Disbar my fat ass (or preemptively disbar). The form does say "Fill in as much as possible." I did that, notwithstanding having to pay for a full background check on myself. That's all, folks.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Bump at Your Own Risk
Some of us are just failing to keep it gangsta these days. I'm looking at you here, Snoop Dogg. Look, I know your street cred went out the window a long-ass time ago, as evidenced by last year's album (Rhythm and Gangsta: The Masterpiece) which was pretty much a piece of bubble-gum pop trash. Sure, Drop it Like It's Hot was ridiculously catchy, but catchy's not what I'm looking for from the D-O-double G. So when critics hailed the your new album, Tha Blue Carpet Treatment, as a return to the Death Row days alongside Dre and 2Pac, I got my hopes up. I expected something hella-fly. I'm talking something that would make me run out and put hydraulics and spinners on my 2000 Ford Escort. I'm talking something that would make me sport the GANGSTA ring and dollar chain for more than just special events.
Sadly, it just ain't happenin'. While Tha Blue Carpet Treatment isn't pop, it sure as shit isn't Doggystyle. Like, it might have been gangsta if any of your producers knew how to drop a decent beat. All I'm saying is, next time -- step yo game up, Dogg. Damn.
Sadly, it just ain't happenin'. While Tha Blue Carpet Treatment isn't pop, it sure as shit isn't Doggystyle. Like, it might have been gangsta if any of your producers knew how to drop a decent beat. All I'm saying is, next time -- step yo game up, Dogg. Damn.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
And Vice Saw That it Was Good
It's been so long since I've posted about anything real-life relevant that I'm struggling to remember how. Whatever, hell with all of you. Anyway, the state of the universe lately has been pleasing to me. Examples:
Finals season - relatively stress free so far. I've had work to do, but I've taken an incremental approach and gotten things done. I've got two papers to finish by Monday, but I've got each of them 2/3 done. I've got two exams, but one of them is my Wacky Jungle Safari Exam. Who the hell knows what's going to be on there. The other is only worth 40% of my grade because we've had a couple of papers to write. (Which, after 2 1/2 yrs of law school, I find extremely helpful because it makes me engage with the material earlier in the semester. I really think the structure of having one final exam at the end of the semester worth 100% of your grade is a horrible class format - everything's riding on one four hour period and whether you can assess a problem with the limited resources you have at that time. Profs said this was to simulate the real life pressures of lawyering, which is total bullshit. Never again in my life will I face a four hour period where I have to assess three hypotheticals, all covering different areas of a legal subject, and make the best argument I can. Especially closed book - - what the fuck is that? This is the legal profession, is it not? All we do is read cases and statutes, and argue from them. Assholes. Rant closed) My last final is Dec. 18th, then I've got some free time to go lion hunting. Also, my Character and Fitness Application is almost finished, save for some speeding ticket questions. And after consulting with Mary Beth Whatsername, I've determined that I will, in fact, be graduating in May. How about that?
Next semester: For my final performance here at the U-dub, I've enrolled in Trusts and Estates (after putting it off as long as possible), Sentencing Fun with Dickey and Smith, and the Legal Defense Program. This equals out to one exam (T&E) which I can pass fail, potentially only one graded class (Sentencing) where the median grade is 90, and LDP. I'm not even going to attend T&E. I'm going to stay working part-time at my law clerk job, which pays a relatively obscene amount for what I do, and for which I recently completed my first appellate brief for the Court of Appeals (which will be promptly laughed out of court, seeing as how I had to craft all of my helpful legal authority out of make believe and duct tape). More importantly, LDP will get me back to court. Sure, I'll have to deal with clients (shiver) and being on the losing side most of the time, but I'll still look fly. I've wanted to get into Dane County's new court house for so long, I'd go in representing Dirty Filthy Stinking Hippies against America if I got to speak on the record.
Plus, more hands-on criminal experience, and more in-court experience should look good to potential employers.
Capitol One Bowl - This is straight-up insane. Let me break this down. Paid Vacation. Including Air Fare and Hotel. Over New Year's Eve. To Orlando, Florida. With Hot Chick. Paid for by Hot Chick's Mom. Pluse some extra Spending Money. To watch the Capitol One Bowl. And see the Badgers destroy Arkansas. And go to Disney World. And chill on the Beach. Where it's Sunny and Warm All the Time. Holy Crap! I can't even begin to explain how excited I am for this (So please forgive the crass description, Hot Chick :)
Law Revue: On the horizon. Had a meeting, which went pretty well. Mr. Utah has already provided a killer sketch, and another sketch provided a pretty funny riff on Weston (and y'all know how much I like to "riff" on Weston, if you know what I mean). Personally, I've had some trouble getting started on writing; loads of ideas, but little application thus far. I've got one in the pan that should be fun if it ever comes together. Until then, just the fact that this is coming up provides much to look forward to.
All of this leads me to believe I can endurethe coming cold front/global television hiatus that threatens to darken the next two months (shiver).
Finals season - relatively stress free so far. I've had work to do, but I've taken an incremental approach and gotten things done. I've got two papers to finish by Monday, but I've got each of them 2/3 done. I've got two exams, but one of them is my Wacky Jungle Safari Exam. Who the hell knows what's going to be on there. The other is only worth 40% of my grade because we've had a couple of papers to write. (Which, after 2 1/2 yrs of law school, I find extremely helpful because it makes me engage with the material earlier in the semester. I really think the structure of having one final exam at the end of the semester worth 100% of your grade is a horrible class format - everything's riding on one four hour period and whether you can assess a problem with the limited resources you have at that time. Profs said this was to simulate the real life pressures of lawyering, which is total bullshit. Never again in my life will I face a four hour period where I have to assess three hypotheticals, all covering different areas of a legal subject, and make the best argument I can. Especially closed book - - what the fuck is that? This is the legal profession, is it not? All we do is read cases and statutes, and argue from them. Assholes. Rant closed) My last final is Dec. 18th, then I've got some free time to go lion hunting. Also, my Character and Fitness Application is almost finished, save for some speeding ticket questions. And after consulting with Mary Beth Whatsername, I've determined that I will, in fact, be graduating in May. How about that?
Next semester: For my final performance here at the U-dub, I've enrolled in Trusts and Estates (after putting it off as long as possible), Sentencing Fun with Dickey and Smith, and the Legal Defense Program. This equals out to one exam (T&E) which I can pass fail, potentially only one graded class (Sentencing) where the median grade is 90, and LDP. I'm not even going to attend T&E. I'm going to stay working part-time at my law clerk job, which pays a relatively obscene amount for what I do, and for which I recently completed my first appellate brief for the Court of Appeals (which will be promptly laughed out of court, seeing as how I had to craft all of my helpful legal authority out of make believe and duct tape). More importantly, LDP will get me back to court. Sure, I'll have to deal with clients (shiver) and being on the losing side most of the time, but I'll still look fly. I've wanted to get into Dane County's new court house for so long, I'd go in representing Dirty Filthy Stinking Hippies against America if I got to speak on the record.
Plus, more hands-on criminal experience, and more in-court experience should look good to potential employers.
Capitol One Bowl - This is straight-up insane. Let me break this down. Paid Vacation. Including Air Fare and Hotel. Over New Year's Eve. To Orlando, Florida. With Hot Chick. Paid for by Hot Chick's Mom. Pluse some extra Spending Money. To watch the Capitol One Bowl. And see the Badgers destroy Arkansas. And go to Disney World. And chill on the Beach. Where it's Sunny and Warm All the Time. Holy Crap! I can't even begin to explain how excited I am for this (So please forgive the crass description, Hot Chick :)
Law Revue: On the horizon. Had a meeting, which went pretty well. Mr. Utah has already provided a killer sketch, and another sketch provided a pretty funny riff on Weston (and y'all know how much I like to "riff" on Weston, if you know what I mean). Personally, I've had some trouble getting started on writing; loads of ideas, but little application thus far. I've got one in the pan that should be fun if it ever comes together. Until then, just the fact that this is coming up provides much to look forward to.
All of this leads me to believe I can endurethe coming cold front/global television hiatus that threatens to darken the next two months (shiver).
Sunday, December 03, 2006
This Just In
Cold weather is bad. (M'kay.) The winter is awful, and so is everyone that likes the winter. That is all.
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