Holiday Travel Guide

It's your old pale Vice here, with a word of friendly advice. I know many of you are heading home for the holidays pretty soon; some will be driving, others will be flying. As I myself will be taking to the skies in a little over a week, I've done some research into the new airline regulations, and what items can and cannot be taken onto an airplane. A helpful, comprehensive list of prohibited and non-prohibited items can be found here, provided by the Transporation Security Administration.

If you don't want to read it, I can provide a brief summary of the highlights.

Acceptable Items (Carry-on and Checked)

Liquids - this is the big change. After the recent crackdown, the regulations have lightened up. Now you can have liquids and gels in 3 oz (or smaller) containers, all stored in a clear ziploc bag. Make that a 1 quart ziplock bag. God knows only terrorists need clear ziplock bags bigger than 1 quart. One important exception: Breastmilk. If you bring a hip flask of breast milk to the security checkpoints, be prepared to get searched.

Nail clippers - also allowed again. Apparently they used to be prohibited because you can take a nail clipper and stab somebody in the eye with it. Oddly enough, they also allow plastic knives and corkscrews, which I've been using to remove eyeballs with for years.

Toy Transformer Robots - never fear, you can take your transformers onto the plane. Unless you plan on transforming your robots into a knife, or breastmilk holder.

Walking canes - those of us who are safely on the other side of the hill can still bring our walking equipment, rather than being forced to crawl across the entire airport on our wrinkly, decrepit bellies. And we can still beat whippersnappers but good.

Diabetes - for those of you with diabetes, rest assured, you will be able to take it on vacation with you.

Prosthetic devices - another boon for the decrepits. If you have prosthetic limbs and/or torsi, you no longer have to check it.

Checked Items Only

Martial arts weapons/nanchukas/throwing stars - I was really saddened when I saw this, as the TSA has taken it upon itself to blatantly discriminate against ninjas. I thought about consulting with Mr. Utah to see if we could take this to federal court for an equal protection violation, but then I realized, ninjas are not exactly a protected class. Protected in the sense of flipping out and killing anything that moves, sure, but not protected in the strict scrutiny sense.

Stun guns/shocking devices - I've got your "shocking device" right here, assholes.

Alcohol - If you buy it inside the security checkpoint, you can have it. Otherwise, no carry-on. Note that if your alcohol is more than 140 proof, you can't have it at all. Because this is, apparently, Nazi Germany.

Cricket bats - sorry, not on the plane.

Vampire bats - again, only if checked.

Sabers/Swords - Apparently they're trying to cut down on the accidental stabbing deaths or some such. Thankfully there is no such restriction on bayonets. Which is why I'll be attaching a bayonet to my cell phone, my sunglasses, my belt, my breastmilk flask, and my vampire bat. Can never be too careful, says me.

Spear guns - As if to completely take the fun out of firing a spear through several rows of annoying people in succession, the TSA has senselessly banned spear guns on the plane. Okay smart guys, so what happens when Anarchy 99 launches an aircraft scheduled to deliver Silent Night to several major cities across the globe, and the only way to stop it is fire a spear gun at the aircraft and propel across the air onto the craft, turn the bomb upside down, and sink it in a monument to badassery? Answer me that.

Firearms - No big loss for me, but for those of you who prefer shooting over stabbing, take heed.
Axes and Hatchets - Another fine pair of decapitating implements, prohibited.

Flare guns - no visits to Woodmans while on the plane, apparently.

Hammers - Sorry, MC. Looks like you better check yoself.

Cattle prods - What?!? What happens if my cows get loose and start running willy nilly all over the plane? How am I supposed to herd them back up if I can't prod them effectively?

Tools - Now this is where it gets a little bizarre. Those tools among you who are "greater than seven inches in length" must be checked. Tools who are "less than seven inches in length" can be carried on. Some mighty picky stewardesses, if you ask me. And let's face it, the vast majority of tools are nowhere near seven inches in length. Oh, snap!!

Absolutely Prohibted Items (Carry-on and Checked)

Hand grenades/dynamite - Again, as if to take the fun out of the entire vacation. Who doesn't love randomly chucking a hand grenade on the floor of the plane, letting it roll around, and trying to guess who's going to blow up?


Chlorine bleach - And how, I ask you, am I supposed to keep my whites white?


Tear gas - They may as well ban all trips to San Francisco if you ban the most effective method of clearing out large groups of hippies en masse. Sure, I can still resort to chopping them up one by one with my truty Dirty Filthy Hippie Machete, but sometimes I don't want massive quantities of chemically-altered blood on my clothes.

That pretty much covers the essentials. Happy holidays, and here's wishing safe travel to all.