While driving down Bassett St. last night, I encountered an old enemy of Mr. Utah, and thus an old enemy of us all. As I negotiated the curve onto Wilson St., I found myself face to face with a GIANT RACCOON, last seen fleeing in terror from Mr. Utah's previously coon-infested apartment building at the corner of Bassett and West Wash. Many of you may recall Mr. Utah's confrontations with the raccoon and its kin over the fall of 2004 and spring of 2005, until he ultimately bested it in a climactic final battle held at the Thunderdome. Afterwards, the raccoon fled the apartment and took its babies underground, and had not been spotted since. However, the re-emergence of the Alpha Coon last night spells trouble. After all, raccoons are some of the most destructive, assholish creatures ever created. (The link is to Utah's archive; scroll down to find his authoritative PBS review on Raccoons.) They are like the evil version of John McClane -- seriously hard to kill. Unless they get rabies/syphillis, which infects their brains and causes them to enter your yard and wander around aimlessly for several hours until they fall over and die, leaving you to dispose of their gigantic, worthless carcasses. Much like a common homelii.
The scourge of the animal kingdom is back, so hide your women, children, and beloved pets. Unless you want this to happen to them:
Don't let this happen to America.
1 comment:
I always knew this day would come...like every good guy who fails to kill the villain, inevitably, the raccoon will rise again. While it would have been simple to order a firebombing of the sewars like General Hummel in the Rock, I failed to do so and wandered inside of my apartment with the slow piano music playing and the credits rolling. Now there will be a sequal, and sometimes, the good guys lose. We need to posse up and be prepared to fight the scourge of the sewars as they rise once again. I anticipate a sequal filled with great action scenes and a soundtrack filled with Xzibit.
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