When Calves Attack!

I've got massive calves. Let's not fuck around. I would estimate my calves to represent approximately 90% of my body mass (not including penis mass, of course. That's a whole separate entity). Now, generally my calves are a good thing. For one thing, they make a good conversation piece. Like when I go to the movies, and people behind me angrily ask why they can't see the screen, and I inform them it's just my calves. Then they're like, "Oh, yeah. Wow." Then they move away. Also, I've always been pretty athletic, and am pretty capable at most sports, despite my lack of technical skill in any of them. Being able to run fast or for long distances makes up for a lot, I've found. Particularly in soccer, which involves a whole lot of running and kicking.

However, every once in awhile, the calves revolt, as massive calves are wont to do. Specifically, they cramp up. Let me tell you, that's fucking scary shit. Once I was in a swimming pool at a YMCA, just kinda swimming by myself after a long day. I was just about to get out of the pool when all the sudden one of my calves cramped up. I literally could not move. I damn near drowned. I pretty much had to drag myself over to the wall and pull myself out of the water all by hand. Then, in my senior year of high school, I was playing in a soccer tournament, and I had not had enough water to drink that morning. Well, halfway into the second half I was chasing down an opponent who tried to dribble down the sideline. The moment I caught him, BOTH of my calves cramped up. I hit the floor. I couldn't move. My legs extended straight out, completely rigid, while the guy took the ball all the way down and scored.

It hadn't happened for awhile, but last night I had our last indoor soccer game of the season. We got through the game, a 9-1 shellacking because we did not have any substitutes. In other words, all six of us had to play all 50 minutes with no breaks except at halftime. Soon as the game was over, I walked to the sideline and attempted to remove my shoe. Only to have my left calve attack in force. Again, I was practically paralyzed from the waist down. I had to have my teammates drag me and all of my belongings out of the bench, then help me stretch my leg for like 10 minutes until it finally relaxed.

You know, it's kinda like having this giant pitbull, all bad-ass and powerful, who walks beside me and guards me against evil. I feed it, I strengthen it, and I'm damn proud of it. But every once in awhile the bastard turns on me and bites a chunk out of my unsuspecting ass.

Lesson the First

Things I've learned about the practice of criminal law so far:

1. Criminals make excellent return customers - Out of the approximately 20 clients I've had so far, most either start out with multiple cases or acquire an additional case (or 12) within a couple months.

2. DA's don't like to do any work - One of my clients had a preliminary hearing last week. When she had the audacity to go ahead with it rather than waive the hearing, the DA actually told that if she wanted the hearing he would go ahead and file another felony charge. True to his word, the bastard actually filed it. So, vindictive, lazy, or both?

3. Judges don't like criminals - Believe it or not. Especially those who commit 10 or more crimes, then whine when the judge wants them to sit in jail rather than on house arrest.

4. No one pays attention to motions - I'm still waiting on word regarding motions and demands I filed in September. I'm not keeping my fingers crossed. At this point, I feel like filing my "Motion to Dismiss Based on Imaginary Dragon," and see whether that gets me anywhere.

5. Criminals will lie to you - Either I'm an extremely trusting person, or my clients are damn convincing people. Either way, I've learned that every word a client says must be taken with a grain of salt that is approximately as large as your mom's hairy ass.

6. Caring about these people will ruin your life - Criminals or not, at the end of the day, they're just people. And people are sympathetic. Once you've heard their story, it's hard to say, "Yeah, you ought to sit in jail 'til your balls rot off." I don't like to see people lose their freedom, whether they deserve it or not. And when they do, I take it hard, as though I failed them somehow. Now I understand why criminal defense attorneys have to be assholes.

7. Disorderly Conduct can suck me - The most worthless statute I've ever seen in my life. It is the perfect law for prosecutors because absolutely any type of conduct they'd like to regulate can fall under 947.01. Let's break this bitch down a bit:
"Whoever, in a public or private place..." - This means it can occur anywhere on the face of the earth, including your own home.
"... engages in violent, abusive, indecent, profane, boisterous, unreasonably loud..." - Okay, so the law is limited to, well, pretty much any type of behavior when you're having a good time, including swearing, shouting, and cockslapping. But even if your particular behavior doesn't fall under one of those, it is still illegal if you can call it -
"...otherwise disorderly conduct..." - Otherwise disorderly? So, pretty much everything.
"... under circumstances in which the conduct tends to cause or provoke a disturbance." In other words, anything that provokes anyone in any way, or doesn't provoke someone but theoretically could, then it is illegal.
HOW THE FUCK IS THIS NOT OVERBROAD???

8. Being my own boss is as frightening as it is awesome - I set my own hours, I answer to no one. Bad-ass doesn't begin to describe that feeling. However, there is also no one to reign me in when I consider my "Motion to Dismiss Based on Imaginary Dragon" -type motions. No one to tell me that's a bad idea, or that I need to state certain things on the record, or that the outcome I'm looking for is probably illegal. It's just me. And it's kinda scary.

Well, anyway, that's what I've learned so far. Important lessons to take into my own business, where I shall continue my vendetta against disorderly conduct, file frivolous and outlandish motions, and try not to care when my clients (deservedly) go down in flames...

Favoritism

So I watch a lot of television. That's no secret. I've already reviewed my favorite shows - Buffy, Angel, the West Wing, Firefly, Veronica Mars, Battlestar Galactica, Lost, Alias, Smallville (kinda), and Heroes. Also, though I never reviewed it, the new version of Dr. Who on the BBC (the first season, anyway - the next DVD's havent' arrived yet). After watching these shows over and over and over, I have compiled a list of my favorite episodes of all time. My favorites, mind you, not the best episodes ever. Although, I chose these episodes with an eye toward what I felt best represented the strengths of each series.

Major spoilers abound if you haven't watched these shows, of course. Also, many of these are two-part episodes, and I included both parts (even though, generally, part 2 is always better and more important) because that's how the story was told. These are in no particular order, and not a complete list yet. I will probably put up 15 or so, and I will update this list as soon as I decide on my other favorites.

That said, here we go:

- Doctor Who - The Parting of the Ways - Season 1, Episode 12

For those of you unfamiliar with this British phenomenon, Dr. Who is a time-traveller who ventures back and forth through time to save humanity from various dastardly villains. Chief among them are the Daleks, a ridiculous-looking yet still terrifying race of robots, whom the Doctor had supposedly wiped out during the Time War. After a season's worth of thrills with his new companions Captain Jack and would-be love interest Rose, the Doctor learns that not only are the Daleks back, but they have Rose captive and are about to invade earth. The Doctor faces a choice of whether to wipe out the Daleks once more and destroy every single being on earth in the process in order to save all the other planets from the inevitable Dalek invasion. Heavy stuff, and well-acted as ever by the gleefully manic and intense Christopher Eccleston (also Claude on Heroes) as the Doctor.

- Angel - Lullaby (pts 1 & 2) - Season 3, Episodes 8 & 9

This show featured a vampire with a soul who, after a life of ruthlessly and sadistically killing humans, chose to atone for his crimes by protecting people from demons. The theme of redemption was prevalent throughout the 5 season this show aired, and none moreso than Season 3. Just when Angel had gotten everything on track, and finally had a glimmer of happiness come into his life, his horrific past came back to haunt him. Two centuries prior, Angel and his vampiric love, Darla, had terrorized a noble demon hunter and killed his children. Now, through some mystical miracle, Angel was about to have a son of his own. Queue the return of the demon hunter, who made a deal with a demon to travel two centuries in the future to finally exact his revenge, arriving just when Angel's own son was about to be born. The final moments are breath-taking.

- West Wing - Posse Comitatus - Season 3, Episode 22

The brilliant political drama's third season finale found Jed Barlett in the midst of a presidential re-election campaign, and tackled the heavy question of whether it is acceptable to use force in the absence of authorizing law. For a man dedicated to serving the people and upholding the law, Bartlett found himself struggling with the question of how to deal with a known terrorist who was essentially above capture by legal or diplomatic means. This episode also presented Jed's face to face meeting with his opponent for president, as well as the shocking murder of CJ's secret service protector, with Jeff Buckley's haunting rendition of "Hallelujah" in the background.

- Firefly - Serenity (pts 1 & 2) - Season 1, Pilot

For some ungodly reason, the FOX executives decided that the original pilot for Firefly did not have enough action, so they decided to air it out of order, skipping this two-part episode and airing "Train Job" first. This, of course, was the worst decision ever made by anyone since Hitler decided to launch a winter invasion of Russia (itself the worst decision ever made by anyone since Napoleon tried the same thing). To me, the original pilot for Whedon's space opera still stands as a perfect encapsulment of the show. Plenty of action, plenty of character development, and so many classic moments, it felt like a mini-movie unto itself. Mal shooting the horse. Mal shooting the Alliance agent without any hesitation. Mal pretending that Kaylee had died, as a wicked practical joke on Simon. Absolutely perfect.

More to come...

The Perils of Hunting Cheney

Here's to not knowing when to quit. Presidential candidate and noted leprechaun Dennis Kucinich has proposed a resolution to impeach Vice President Cheney. That resolution is now headed to the House Judiciary Committee for further deliberation. This impeachment resolution alleges "high crimes and misdemeanors" by Cheney in the events leading up to the Iraq war. For those of us who have been counting the minutes until the Bush/Cheney (debacle) ticket expires, this is great news, right?

Well, no. I'm not even talking about the fact that it won't work. Seriously, let's say it did - that Cheney was voted out on his ass. Big blow to the GOP, right? I mean, Bush is still in the high seat, but at least the devil on his shoulder is cast back to the pit where he belongs, right? If nothing else, it's a moral victory.

If I'm not mistaken, "moral victory" in this case would be about the equivalent of "Pyrrhic victory." Kicking Cheney out now won't do any good. We can't undo the past by tagging Cheney's fat ass. At this point, there is no point. Not only that, it could make things much, much worse.

What I'm more worried about, other than simply an empty victory, is the fact that the White House would need a new VP. That means some Republican would be elevated to the Vice Presidency. Is this what we want, now, at the beginning of a presidential election campaign when the GOP really doesn't have all that strong of a front-runner? It's still damn early in the campaign - anything can happen at this point. So forcing the current VP out runs the risk of elevating another stalwart Republican with eyes on the nation's throne into an executive office position of leadership. Good idea.

Now, say what you will about the whether there's actual power in the VP position. I don't think the VP's such an empty shirt role anymore. What more evidence do you need that the VP position has real power than Cheney? If he were just some guy waiting for the President to die so he could take the starting spot, would people really be out for blood right now trying to bring him down?

Maybe the GOP doesn't have anyone ready who could step into the VP spot, and would also be a legitimate presidential candidate. But I don't think that's a risk worth taking to find out. I say if you want a change in leadership, swallow the bitter pill of waiting for this one to expire and concentrate your efforts on ensuring that something better replaces them.

Felons!!

Vice just picked up his first felony (client) today. Preliminary Hearing set for Thursday morning. First evidentiary hearing I've had since I entered the defense game.

Also, I'll start posting more soon. I've been working much harder than I'd care to lately, leaving me little time. I'm readying a list of top 10-15 favorite television episodes, though. Be warned.

Vice Law Offices, S.C. : Serving Your Mom Since 2007

Well it's official - no one wants to hire me. That's fine. I say screw you guys, I'm going home. By "home," I am of course referring to my own business. I'm sorry it's come to this, but it had to happen sooner or later. So here's to being my own boss, setting my own hours, and hopefully working with a bad-ass partner.

25

Well, that was one bad-ass quarter of a century. It's a pretty amazing thing to be able to look back and say that each year has been better than the year before it, but that's where I'm at right now. And although the traditional Devil's Lake hiking trip didn't happen due to some inappropriately scheduled rain, the weekend was pretty sweet. Except, of course, for the ass-whipping the Bager received. But after that - a trip through a giganimous corn maze with Mr. Ismael, Dr. Utah, and Ms. PH, which was awesome. Then we played Dread Pirate, a game which basically consists of pillaging, skirmishing, and mounds of gold.

Yesterday, the assembled Superfriends (minus RPM and The San Who Shall Not Be Named, unfortunately) ate breakfast at Bluephies, played indoor minigolf at Vitense, played a massive game of RISK, watched the Packers defeat some sort of Indian tribe, and ate Butterfinger cake and ice cream. Then I spent some quality time with a bad-ass hippopotamus, read a (muh'fuckin') book, watched some Buffy, and called it a night.

The only downside about 25ism? No more health care. Assholes.

On the plus side, I can run for Congress now if I get bored doing other stuff.

Burn!

I called Charter today to see if they could help fix our internet connection, because we've had little to no signal for nearly a week. So when I get on the phone with the lady and give her my information, the first thing she says is "You're going to have to give me a moment, my computer's being slow."

I was this close to responding, "Ah, I see you also have Charter."

Watch Your Cornhole, Buddy

So for those of you who use gmail, do you know how when you're checking an email message, to the right of the message google has placed links to things that are similar to the contents of your message? For example, when I have messages that are law-related, it places links to law firms, or when one message discusses cats, there are links to cat declawing or cat rescue.

Well, in a recent message which made references to a corn maze, google gave me links to "cornhole4sale.com" and "cornholeoutlet.com."

Uh....thanks, but no thanks.....

Awesome and Great!

Here is the actual jingle that was just used on a promo for ABC:

"Make a man date
For Tuesday at 8
Cavemen and Carpoolers are
awesome and great!!"

I can't even begin to describe how much hatred is coursing through my veins right now. It's the kind of feeling that makes people start to think that genocide is an acceptable practice. Say, for example, if ABC ad executives could be considered a separate race of people. This jingle only has four lines, and three of them are atrocities against creativity. First of all, "man date?" Second, Cavemen? Third and finally, "awesome and great?"

I've got more creativity in a single strand of ball hair than these fuckers do in their whole advertising department.

Game On

Let the battle commence! If you've kept up, you'll know I'm referring to that big case I'm working on where we've been challenging the constitutionality of statutes left and right, and winning, surprisingly enough. Let me recap: first there was the defamation charge, which the State conceded was unconstitutional. Then we took a shot in the dark at the identity theft charge, and, to my utter astonishment, we won that too, and the judge dismissed. Apparently not knowing when they were completely outmatched, the State appealed immediately. While they worked on that, I set my sights on another charge, decided I didn't like that either (factual grounds, not constitutional), and filed a Motion to Destroy. Once again, the State conceded I was right. And thus fell three of six charges.

Don't call it a comeback, folks - the State filed its appellate brief about a month ago. Upon initial reading, I wanted to cry. They had two arguments, both of which seemed dead-on. But I preservered, and for the past couple weeks I have been busting my ass to, yet again, create the law I as I wish it.

Well, now it's done.

And let me tell you, it's actually pretty damn good. My last brief on this charge was pretty lame, to be honest - it was mostly misdirection and logic-leaping. Put another way, it was much like the Underpants Gnomes business plan:

Step 1 - The defamation statute is unconstitutional.
Step 2 - ???
Step 3 - Therefore, the identity theft statute is also unconstitutional.

This time, however, I was actually able to come up with something. For several reasons, I think - partially because of the trial court judge's unbelievably favorable ruling, partially because the way the statute applies to the facts is slightly more favorable than originally thought, and partially because I found some relatively decent caselaw. So now it's all set to go, with my name included on the cover and everything.

Now the AG gets another chance to reply, then it's off to the Court of Appeals. Possibly the Supreme Court, if they agree to bypass.

Time for Thunderdome. I don't really expect to win, but holy balls if we did.....

Good Enough For Me

(Sniff) What's that I smell? (sniff) Caselaw? (sniff sniff) Favorable caselaw? (sniff sniff) Relatively-on-point? You've got to be kidding me. (sniff) Published favorable relatively-on-point caselaw? Weird. Ooh, what's that? (sniff) Federal? Nice. Oh, wait... (sniff) New Hampshire? Thats...kinda like a state, right?

Fuck it. It's going in.

Beach Cats

It's official - after months of cat-not-having, we now have approximately two cats in the apartment. Their names are Emmy and Maggie, both are females. Emmy is a dark gray color, while Maggie is gray and white. They are both supercute, and friendly.

I have to say, the best part about having cats so far is having watched Maggie stare down a stuffed purple unicorn for nearly fifteen minutes. The unicorn, of course, never blinked, so Maggie became pretty unnerved, and repeatedly backed away in fear. Then she would peak her head back out, stare down the unicorn again, until again becoming wary of its fearsome appearance and backing away.

Charity

I took an appointed case for a young woman a couple months back, and that case is now resolved. Her mother was a codefendant in the case, and she was at her daughter's hearing. The mother did not have an attorney. Her own pretrial came up, and now she asked if I could represent her. This was two days prior to the hearing, mind you. I thought fuck it - I've read the police reports, I know the facts, I don't need to do any investigation. Just a phone call to the DA, a brief appearance at the hearing, and it would be over. I decided to take it pro bono.

I called the DA to negotiate. She couldn't talk to me because she thought I had a conflict of interest. Fine, that's fair. So I got a written waiver of conflict of interest from the mother.

Today I go to the hearing. Stand there for an hour, because the DA's can't find the file. Finally they get it, and ask to speak with me. Then the DA says she can't speak with me about the case because I have a conflict of interest. I told her I got a written waiver. She says I need one from the other client too, and explains how there could be all sorts of things that could happen if one testifies and says something against the other's interest, or I bring up something said in confidence said by one. Okay, I suppose that could theoretically happen, but how is that the DA's problem? Isn't that my problem?

Whatever. I tell them I can get the waiver no problem. They say I still might not be able to represent her. Nigga what? "You should call the Ethics Hotline," she says. Aw, helllllllll no. Don't fucking tell me I need to get waivers, but if I get waivers, you still can't speak to me.

Mind you, I'm just being a nice guy here. I'm not getting paid. I just wanted to help her out. Fact is, IF I do any more work on this case, and I get a waiver and the DA still won't talk to me, I'll cockslap her so hard her teeth fall out.

Lesson learned: Don't ever try to help people.

Worst of the Worst

I watch a lot of movies, as anyone who has read this blog knows. Admittedly, I watch a lot of bad movies in my search for the good ones. And in the realm of sci fi/fantasy, my personal favorite, there is no shortage of badness. Watching bad movies isn't always a bad thing, of course. You've got your "so bad it's good" category, which includes Snakes on a Plane and Doom, among others. As an aspiring writer in the field of sci fi/fantasy, I also benefit from seeing bad movies just so that I can learn from their mistakes (Underworld, Bloodrayne, I'm looking at you here).

Compare, for example, Grindhouse and Shoot 'Em Up. Grindhouse, as I've said, was amazing. Made with the specific intent to be laughably bad, these movies embraced the badness and went for sheer entertainment value. I can respect that. The action was over-the-top and often pretty cool (particularly with Planet Terror), the plots were intentionally terrible, and all of it was pretty funny. By contrast, Shoot 'Em Up was a movie I'd hoped would fall into the first category, but ended up firmly in the second. It looked like it would be a smart, hip take on the mindless action movie, both an ode to action and a satire of action. Instead, it was just a failure. First, it wasn't funny. For a movie that was clearly made tongue-in-cheek, the writers have little to no sense of humor. Bad puns and air-quote "witty" remarks abound. Sure, make a line or two completely groan-inducing; don't make EVERY FUCKING ATTEMPT AT HUMOR groan-inducing. It's like they wrote up a script with a bunch of "insert joke here" lines, filled them in temporarily with bad jokes, then forgot to revise them before filming. And don't get me started on the whole gun control message. This movie should have had no plot; it would have been much better for it. Don't give me a plot - not in this type of movie. Just put me in the middle of some whiz-bang action, and send me on my way. That's all they had to do. But instead they tacked on some leftist political crap. It's like they wanted to celebrate gun violence and admonish gun violence at the same time. Frankly, it was fucking offensive to me as a viewer. Still, I could learn from those mistakes, and some of the action was passable, even entertaining. That's why I wouldn't rate this movie below a C- or D+.

But there are other movies -- unspeakably bad movies, where the badness has no redeeming value. Sometimes, to borrow a phrase, the movie is simply an unmitigated crap-gargle. And today I will list the worst of the worst. My worst of the worst, mind you; there are many necessarily bad movies I have never seen, and will not be on this list. For instance, I have never (and will never) watched any of the following:

Gigli
Norbit
Little Man
Glitter
Big Mama's House 2
Daddy Day Camp

With that caveat, here are the worst movies I have ever seen:

5. Judge Dredd
Laughably bad. The thing was, I expected this to be pretty good at the time. I was way wrong. "I am the law!" still cracks me up, though.

4. Catwoman
Saw this in the theater against my will. If you haven't seen it, I can't begin to describe how bad the plot is. I mean you've got Catwoman, a superhero, essentially, taking on...what? Sharon Stone, evil cosmetics lady? Um...why? And how is this lady supposed to be able to fight Catwoman? Because the makeup makes her face really strong? Seriously, that's what they came up with. Snore.

3. Van Helsing
What do you get when you combine the greatest and most memorable monsters ever created, a legendary badass monster fighter, a couple of decent stars, and a huge budget? Gypped. If this movie had ANY semblance of decent plot, or ANY semblance of story development, this could have been awesome. Instead, it sucked mega balls.

2. Ultraviolet
Not much I can say that I haven't already said about this one. Suffice it to say, this was one of the most monumentally stupid and plothole-leaden movies ever made. I wanted to fashion a rope out of my Twizzlers and hang myself, but there weren't enough in the bag.

1. Freddy Got Fingered
Hands down, the worst I've ever seen. Descriptions fail me. Oh hell, I'll give it a shot. Imagine your grandmother, right? Imagine nailing each of her hands and feet to a wall, then stabbing her in the neck with a broken shard of glass until her head falls off, then having sex with her severed head. That's about what watching this movie is like. (And, I'm told, that is actually one of the deleted scenes) Tom Green's writing process on this movie must have been something like this: "What is the most horrifying thing I can think of? That will be the next scene. Then, what could possibly be worse than what I just came up with? That will be the following scene." And so on, and so on.

Never, ever, ever watch this movie.

I'm Just About to Revoke Your Face

Remember how nobody at the Division of Juvenile Corrections ever seemed to, oh, let's say, work? Well, you'll be pleased to know it's not just the juvenile division. I've got a probation revocation case, and I need to view the guy's probation file, because that's where absolutely everything I need to know about this case is located. So I call the guy's probation officer. No answer. Left a message. Didn't return my call. Called him a couple days later, left a message. Didn't return my call. Sent him an email. Didn't return my email. Called him again today, 10:30 am. No answer. Left a message. Tried his supervisor. Supervisor's out until Friday (when, I assume, he will return and will put in a full day's work, from 9-10 am, then call it the weekend). I called the main office where this guy works. No answer.

What the fuck is wrong with you people? I mean, do you do anything whatsoever?

So This is What My Life Has Become

What does it say about me when, the moment I get off the phone with my mom, I start calculating how many tenths of an hour the call lasted, then try to figure out who I can bill that time to?

Anyone?

Anyone know the name of that book, you know the one that has all the caselaw that is controlling authority, completely on point, and supports your position 100%? Because I could use that right now.

Hell, I'd take the name of the book with the caselaw that's marginally on point, makes vague statements that could plausibly be interpreted to support even one of my arguments, and is mildly persuasive. If anyone knows the name of that book, I'll take that too.

Hard Knock Life

If I just heard that correctly, my boss, who takes approximately 8 weeks of vacation per year, and who just got back from another week in sunny South Carolina, just complained that his vacation was too short, and that once he got back he had so much shit to do. He said that vacations really aren't worth it unless you can take 2-3 months off at a time.

And I'm like "Yeah, things are tough all over."

Suck On That!

Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I am free at last!! I have been working on TAXES for the past 5 hours, struggling desperately through form after form trying to figure out how much I owe in Estimated Taxes. Apparently if tax is not taken out of your income when you receive it, the government wants you to pay the tax in quarterly installments. This is particularly applicable to those who are self-employed or independent contractors (both of which I kind of am, as of August of this year). Also, it seems that once you're self-employed, you owe twice as much in taxes because the employer and employee each pay a share, and now you're both. Fuckin' A, right?

Plus I also collected a paycheck in January that didn't have tax taken out, and didn't realize that type of thing requires you to pay the tax quarterly, rather than at the end of the year. And if you don't pay quarterly, or if you don't pay enough, the IRS hits you with penalties. So already I have a problem - I didn't pay on that earlier amount. Great.

The next quarterly payment is due September 17, so I've been working diligently trying to figure out what I owe, and what to do about the other thing I owe. There's a 1040 form for Estimated Tax, complete with a worksheet. I got it, and started working on that. But then, they wanted equal payments across the four quarters, whereas I had an amount in the first quarter, nothing in the second quarter, another amount in the third, and I will probably have a lot more in the fourth. There is something called the Annualized Installment Method, which allows for an uneven dispersal, go I got that form. That form also has its own worksheet. So I start working on the worksheet...

And it is kicking my ass. Hardcore. I keep finding different little things I need to take into account. Like, there's a self-employment deduction of half your income. Then there's a social security tax, which may or may not apply. Plus, you're supposed to only take 92.35% of your income as your net income, rather than the whole amount. Then you multiply it by crazy figures called "Annualized Amounts," for each of the different periods. I shit you not, the numbers for the different periods in one category are 0.116, 0.0696, 0.0435, and 0.029. And you've got me by the balls if you want to know what the significance of any single annualized amount is. Then, after laboring through those numbers, you subtract other numbers, multiply by more numbers, add the last two numbers together, and take the cosign of the square root of the parafractor of your mom's maiden name, then stick that up your ass and carry the seven. Apparently that's how you calculate your adjusted gross income.

But then, when you take the outcome of that whole series of events and plug it into the next chart, do I add in the income that has already had tax withheld and include that in my calculations? Otherwise I start ending up with like -$8000 in some columns. I assume the IRS isn't looking for a -$8000 payment from me at any point, and things look wrong. Subtract your exemption amount, and your education expense -- but subtract that in every quarter? I only paid that once a year, and the deduction only gets deducted once a year.....

And then my mind explodes. The IRS wants my soul. They can't have it.

I've got this chart, right? And it's getting more and more ridiculous. I want desperately to figure this out myself - I've already invested so much time, plus I'm a lawyer, I'm intelligent, I can figure this shit out myself, right? Right...I've already considered breaking down and going to H&R Block. But I'm told they want money to help me. Plus I'd have to set up an appointment, with the deadline approaching. And that could take days. Days I don't have.

So then I think "Fuck it - I just won't pay now, and I'll get hit with the penalty when I file my regular taxes." But I imagine it won't be a small penalty. Plus, I already got hit with a parking ticket today for some bullshit, and I hate (HATE) giving the government money for penalties on principle. No way am I paying a penalty.

Back to the drawing board. These are the times that try men's souls, and I will not cede mine to some incoherent IRS computations and paperwork. So, as I start working my formula again, something catches my eye in the "Who has to pay" section. I've already read it a couple times, and it almost certainly applies to me, since about 3/4 of the tax I will owe won't be withheld. I check the first condition, and it still applies to me. Fine.

Second condition, and BOTH conditions have to apply in order for me to be required to pay Estimated Tax. Number 2 is a two-parter - I have to determine if my withheld income is smaller than the lesser of either (a) 90% of my 2007 tax or (b) 100% of my 2006 tax. Obviously it's not smaller than (a) -- again, only about 1/4 of my tax will be withheld this year. However, by a stroke of luck, the amount that's been withheld this year is already greater than the full amount of last year's withholdings.

Jigga what? That means.....

FUCK YOU, ESTIMATED TAX. GAME OVER.

To the IRS, I'll see you boys in April, just like usual. And if you try to jack me on this, I'm going to get the mop out.