Vigilance and Travesty

I woke up this morning, looked outside, and saw that all was still right with the world, at least for the moment. Democracy still stands, GW still holds the office, and the Taliban have not set up camps in my front lawn. Yet. Despite these comforting signs, I know that vigilance is required to continue my happy American way of life.

Which is why the decision of Democratic representative from Minnesota, Keith Ellison, to be sworn into office using Thomas Jefferson's copy of the Koran is troubling to no end. The man calls himself a public servant, an American leader, and yet he takes his oath with one hand on terrorism's handbook? This goes beyond unethical, beyond unacceptable. This is downright dangerous.

First, it shows that our rock of American democracy, the US House of Representatives, has been infiltrated by muslims ("terrorists.") This is how it starts; first Minnesota elects a muslim in the House, then Iowa elects an Iraqi to the Senate, and pretty soon Kentucky's sending Mr. Kim-Jong II to the US Supreme Court. Not on my watch, Mr. Ellison. Not on my watch.

Second, as Roy Moore so succinctly stated, our country was founded on the freedom of religion without the interference of government. This means that the government may not interfere with its citizens' practice of Christianity. By swearing an oath on the Koran, Ellison is attempting to impose muslimocity on a nation of freedom-loving Christians. The US Constitution compels Congress to step in and prevent Ellison from taking office, unless he's willing to re-swear his oath on the US Bible. Otherwise, Congress will have been complicit in the greatest trampling of the civil rights of American Christians since Woodstock.

Third, Ellison's use of the Koran to take his oath undermines American civilization. This point is self-evident, and requires no further explanation or support.

Fourth, this incident exposes Thomas Jefferson for what he really was: a terrorist-lovin' terrorist. Sure, he wrote the Declaration of Independence; but few know the truth - - that Mr. Mohammed al-Jefferson originally intended to be a declaration of independece from liberty and the American way. Only after extensive editing by Paul Bunyan and one Mr. Charles Norris did this document come to be known as what it is today. But now that the truth is out, Congress must take several steps:

(1) Destroy all nickels. Nobody likes nickels. Nobody uses nickels. Nickels are small, puny, and frankly un-American. Nickels should all be tossed in a giant vat and melted down, and the molten metal should be shaped into a gigantic machete, with one purpose in mind:
(2) Removing Jefferson's face from Mount Rushmore. Surely the face of a more worthy patriot belongs on one of our nation's greatest treasures. Maybe not W yet, (YET), but certainly Ronald Reagan, or Jerry Falwell.
(3) Torch the Jefferson Memorial. That place is ass anyway. Rather than a massive, lithosphere-touching phallus like the Washington Monument, the Jefferson Memorial is vaguely dome-shaped, like some sort of...jihad...or something. Burn it down, and salt the earth. And -
(4) Replace all references to "Jefferson" across the country (street names, building names, people's names) with the word "Libertarydom." I know, it's not an actual word, but it sounds damn American.

Only after taking these steps can we ensure that this latest sideswipe by the terrorists will fail utterly and completely.

My parting words for Mr. Ellison and those (traitors) who support him: Freedom isn't free. Think about that when you're inevitably picked up in your cave and left to rot in Guantanamo.