Unmitigated Crap: The Musical

Every once in awhile a particular singer or band will come along and create a song that leaves me thinking "Man, that is the worst song ever made. Ever." For awhile, I thought it was Sean Paul, whose pathetically simplistic beats and incoherent babbling flooded the airwaves with craptastic song after song. However, Mr. Paul has since been upstaged (downstaged?). Now, don't get me wrong, Sean Paul still makes terrible music. But apparently he doesn't have the chops to compete for Worst Artist in the History of the Fucking World anymore.

No, that title came down to a dogfight between Gwen Stefani and Sarah "Fergie" Ferguson. While Gwen Stefani may have been respectable back in her No Doubt days, she has since blossomed into one of pop music's premier writers of atrocious music. Who can forget "Hollaback Girl" and its rousing chorus of "This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" That song alone should have earned her a banishment from, well, life.

Then Fergie came along. There's been some real shit on the airwaves the past few years, most of it really bad R&B/pop, but Fergie really takes the cake, then shoves it down her hideous throat and recycles it into the next worst song you've ever heard. Remember the Black Eyed Peas? Remember how they used to be kinda fun and new, with songs like "Let's Get it Started"? Well, then "My Humps" happened, destroying every bit of credibility they ever had. Riding the wave of this smashing success, what's a girl to do, besides piss her pants on stage?

Put out a solo album, of course. Got to hand it to her, she went all out in the effort to ruin popular music as we know it. First there was "London Bridge," one of the most asinine pieces of audio defecation ever made. Then there was "Fergalicious." Now, not only was it horrible, it was also unoriginal. Not that Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious" was some musical masterpiece, but it didn't deserve this. "Fergalicious" pretty much sums up Fergie's approach to music: it's just like bad pop music, only infinitely more wretched.

But then, what is this? Has Fergie been unseated? This song I'm hearing on the radio lately - some raspy-voiced woman spelling out the word "Glamorous" to the tune of some simplistic-poppy-horseshit beat may just edge out anything else on the air right now! For a moment, I was really impressed that someone could just come and bitchslap the Duchess of Crap like that and take her crown.

Then I found out that, in fact, "Glamorous" WAS performed by Fergie.

Ah yes, I should never have doubted her, or her unparalleled ability to churn out the most offensively bad 'music' in the history of space and time. Thank you, Ms. Ferguson. Now shut the fuck up already.