Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Sometimes You Win One

When I tell people I work in criminal defense, one question I often get is "How many cases have you won?" I have a hard time trying to explain that in this line of work, "winning" is a relative term. It can refer to the number of trials won, or the number of times a case has been outright dismissed - no deals, no negotiating, just a clean win. If you count just those two categories, than the answer is very, very few. Throw in the number of times I get a result that the client is happy with, the number goes up. Count the ones where I at least get a better result for the client than if they went without counsel, the number goes even higher.

Overall, however, it's a losing fight. And it should be, of course, because it's criminal defense, and the vast majority of people are guilty and don't have a defense. Still, getting to know these people, getting to understand why they do what they do, fighting for them - it's a rough business because no matter what you do, you're probably going to lose.

Nowhere is this more true than in the probation/parole revocation situation. You've got a person who has already been convicted and placed on probation, and is now accused of doing something else, so the Department of Corrections want to lock them up. The revocation context is almost impossible to deal with because these people don't get the same rights anymore. Revocation hearings are not trials. Evidence not normally admissible at trial because it would violate the client's rights is suddenly fair game. The burden of proof is much lower. The judge is not a judge, but an "administrative law judge," which is code for an attorney who doesn't like your guy and has no interest in what you have to say on your guy's behalf. I've had about 8 of these things, and I haven't won a single one.

Reconfinement hearings are even worse. This is where the probationer or parolee has already been revoked, and the only question is how long to lock them up for. They're going to jail or prison. That's it. There is no "winning" here. It's damn depressing.

So the other day I had a reconfinement hearing with a guy who I really felt for. He was on supervision, and he absconded. In other words, he completely left the state, for over a year, without telling his parole agent. Usually they take off because either (a) they broke the law and don't want to get caught, (b) they get stressed out because they don't have money because they don't get a job because...etc, etc., or (c) they got drunk/high and wandered off.

This guy, on the other hand, took off because he got shot in the head, and then he got jumped by the same people a little later. So I've got him asking me to have the judge let him out, because he took off for fear of his own life. I've got his family literally screaming at me because they don't think I'm doing my job well enough. I've got a DA and a probation agent who want to lock him up for at least another year. And the judge?

Well, the State set out its argument, the Agent gave his side of things, and then I made my argument. The judge, believe it or not, went for it. He actually agreed that absconding from supervision due to fear of getting murdered isn't the worst idea that ever happened. And he let the guy out, just like that.

Suddenly I'm the hero. Suddenly my client goes free, his family loves the shit out of me, and I actually won something.

Today I spoke to the agent on the phone, and he said "Wow, that was quite a victory for you the other day." I'm like "That's right, chump. One and counting. Slowly."

I didn't say that. But I should have.

Feels good to win once in awhile.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I'm Not A Religious Scholar, But...

Someone needs to do some editing on the "Islam" page at Wikipedia. I'm fairly certain the first paragraph is not supposed to read as follows:

"Islam (Arabic: الإسلام; al-'islām (help·info); pronounFuck you Shahab is a monotheistic Abrahamic religion originating with..."

Think I'm joking? See for yourself.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Proportional Response (Updated)

As avid readers of this blog (all four of you), you know I've had my share of struggles with Best Buy in the past. For example, the new-disc drive-not-attached-to-anything incident, which seemed to be resolved when they gave me a new computer, leading me to declare an armistice on today's date (9/11, interestingly enough) two years ago. Then, however, came the give-me-back-my-data-you-miserable-fuckers incident, which led to it being entirely back on, and the vicious murder of the entire east side Geek Squad.

Since then, things have settled down, for the most part. Moved out to the west side, where things are laid back, and the Geek Squad over here doesn't seem entirely cretinous. I've occasionally had issues with the new (circa fall 2006) computer Best Buy gave me, such as a malfunctioning display (which required a total hard drive wipe), a loose plug, a new power cord, and a "complete functioning stop" incident (which required a total hard drive wipe). Annoying, but again, I'm still under warranty, so at least I don't have to pay anything to get it fixed.

Most recently, my battery stopped holding a charge for more than 45 minutes. Simple enough, just have them send me a new one, right? So that's what I did. Tried it out last night. Doesn't what one would call "fit" in my computer, meaning it doesn't so much "work" as "lay there like a worthless piece of excrement." Now, this bothers me enough, because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's robots. If there are two things I can't stand, it's malfunctioning technology. I love technology - cars, phones, computers, batcycles - but I lose my shit when it stops working, because I rely so heavily on the convenience. In fact, 98% of all the yelling and 76% of all the cursing I have ever done in my life has been at broken technology. So I did a little shit flipping this morning, then cooled down, because I still have the other battery, and I can still plug it in AC (Slater)-style. Right?

Except the fucking plug wasn't working this morning, so I couldn't run it on AC power. My new battery wasn't working because it's a filthy whore. And my old battery wasn't working because - get this - I tried to charge the new and incorrectly fitting battery last night (to no avail) so my old battery decided to just hang out and die. Why not just put the old one back in and charge it? Because the FUCKING PLUG WASN'T WORKING, SO I COULDN'T CHARGE SHIT.

Take it to Best Buy. She looks, sees the plug isn't working. Says we'll have to send the computer out, it'll come back to me within 8-10 business days. I didn't kill her. I wanted to, but I didn't. I should have, of course. Because what she was leaving out was that (a) the computer would actually come back to me in 23 business days, (b) it would no longer function, and (c) once it got returned to me, I would have to send it back so they could "fix" (read: let a kid with Down's Syndrome beat on it with a hammer) it, then "rush" it back to me within "5" business days (read: 24 business days) in a slightly more functioning yet still non-functional manner.

And, oh yeah, she helpfully added that she could charge me for a data backup. Of course, if you'll recall, Best Buy only gives you your data on a disc where the files are all in .nfgh format. (For those of you not up on the current techno jive, ".nfgh" format refers to "not fucking gonna happen.") I said thanks, but (step closer and I will murder you) no thanks.

Then I thought, instead of having my computer sent out, how about Best Buy just ship me a new battery that actually fits? She said sure, they can do that. Then I realized that the new battery, if indeed it would fit (ha!), would still not be charged when it arrived. Meaning I would have to charge it using my computer and its non-functioning AC plug. Right.

Then I asked if there was any way the store could charge my flippin' crappy battery at least, so I could get my 45 minutes off of it to save some data and do some business. She's like "no, we'd have to find the exact model computer here in the store, and that's unlikely" (read: Apparently you haven't been paying attention. We don't help people here. We frustrate them. We fuck them over. We take their computers and see how many gallons of maple syrup we can pour over their motherboards before they stop functioning. If that's what you're looking for, then you've come to the right place.") So, instead of having my computer sent out and my data backed up, both never to return functioning again, I left the store enraged.

Luckily for Best Buy, I just watched the West Wing episode "A Proportional Response," where President Bartlett has to authorize his first military attack. The Syrians had shot down an American plane that was carrying doctors to a teaching hospital, one of whom was Jed's personal doctor, who just had a newborn baby girl. The President took the attack personally, initially wanting to wipe Syria off the face of the earth, but Leo and the Joint Chiefs talked him down, after a long, hard effort. Eventually, Bartlett chose a more proportional attack that didn't risk civilian casualties.

So, in an effort to be more Bartlett-esque, I have decided not to raze Best Buy from the earth. Instead, I went home and plugged in my AC adaptor. Lo and behold, I was actually able to get a charge. Seems if I don't jiggle the thing too much, I can make it work. Then I calmly dialed up Best Buy's "help" line, and had a new battery sent. The call was promising, because the girl on the phone actually wanted to know my computer's model number, so as to find a matching battery. She said that will get here in 3-5 business days. So I'll see that in a couple weeks.

Between then and now, I'll muddle through, hoping I can continue to jerryrig this power cord to keep getting a charge, and making sure all of my work and writing are backed up.

But a word of caution to the west side Best Buy - as of this moment, consider yourselves Iran. So much as look at me funny, your ass is next.

UPDATE: The new battery they sent me? The good news: unlike the last one they sent me, this actually fits into my computer. The bad news: much like the last one they sent me, it doesn't work. Apparently it is entirely charge-resistant. I left it plugged in for an entire night, then woke up and tried to use it. Nothing. When the battery was in, it wouldn't even register that the AC adaptor was plugged in. Then I switched back to my old battery, which, of course, was dead. I got that re-charged, and it worked. But the "new" one still doesn't do jack shit. Grrr...

UPDATE 2: So I've been hanging on for dear life with my old battery. It can now function without the aid of AC power for about 25 minutes.

That sound you hear is a nuclear arsenal going live. Time for a little shopping trip...

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Novel

After nearly two years of work, I have finally completed the first draft of a book. I had been going at a pretty good pace until this pesky job started to take off, now I have to work during my week days. But I've plugged along, and as of Monday I finished it. Though I don't know what the correct spacing and margins should be, right now the finished product is 701 pages.

As far as the contents, you've got a basic assortment of vampires, zombies, and other badassedry. As to the quality, I can't speak to that. It's not Shakespeare, it's not Hemingway, it's not Tolkien. But I like it. Then again, I liked The Chronicles of Riddick.

Now for the editing process. I don't really know what I'm going to do with it, ultimately. But I know it's only the first of a six book series. Maybe I'll try to get published. Maybe I'll just keep it for myself.

But what's important is that I've come this far, and I can finally put that bit from Family Guy out of my mind, the one where Stewie teases Brian about his alleged novel in an increasingly high-pitched voice, just to mock him:

Stewie: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? (voice getting higher pitched) Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? (voice returns to normal) No, no, you deserve some time off."

Monday, September 01, 2008

The End is Nigh

This week's signs that the apocalypse is upon us:

- Taco Bell, and their new "Volcano Taco."

Leave it to T-Bell to start marketing a pink taco. So many jokes come to mind...brings a new meaning to playing with your food....etc, etc. Also puts a new spin on their slogans. "Thinking outside the bun," indeed. Or, a new way to "Make a run for the border." How about the old "You can munch it!" A new way to "Spice up the night." Also, when they originally came out with the phrase "Fourth meal," I thought they meant food, not vagina. But this version is better. If nothing else, should contain fewer rat droppings.

And don't even get me started on the "lava sauce."

Sign # dos:

- The following sign absolutely exists on a church in Oshkosh:


This, for those of you Wisconsinites who had forsaken believing in Jesus Christ as your lord and savior in favor of the second coming, Brett Favre. In this state, we take our churching almost as serious as our Packers.