It's your old pale Vice here, with a word of friendly advice. I know many of you are heading home for the holidays pretty soon; some will be driving, others will be flying. As I myself will be taking to the skies in a little over a week, I've done some research into the new airline regulations, and what items can and cannot be taken onto an airplane. A helpful, comprehensive list of prohibited and non-prohibited items can be found here, provided by the Transporation Security Administration.
If you don't want to read it, I can provide a brief summary of the highlights.
Acceptable Items (Carry-on and Checked)
Liquids - this is the big change. After the recent crackdown, the regulations have lightened up. Now you can have liquids and gels in 3 oz (or smaller) containers, all stored in a clear ziploc bag. Make that a 1 quart ziplock bag. God knows only terrorists need clear ziplock bags bigger than 1 quart. One important exception: Breastmilk. If you bring a hip flask of breast milk to the security checkpoints, be prepared to get searched.
Nail clippers - also allowed again. Apparently they used to be prohibited because you can take a nail clipper and stab somebody in the eye with it. Oddly enough, they also allow plastic knives and corkscrews, which I've been using to remove eyeballs with for years.
Toy Transformer Robots - never fear, you can take your transformers onto the plane. Unless you plan on transforming your robots into a knife, or breastmilk holder.
Walking canes - those of us who are safely on the other side of the hill can still bring our walking equipment, rather than being forced to crawl across the entire airport on our wrinkly, decrepit bellies. And we can still beat whippersnappers but good.
Diabetes - for those of you with diabetes, rest assured, you will be able to take it on vacation with you.
Prosthetic devices - another boon for the decrepits. If you have prosthetic limbs and/or torsi, you no longer have to check it.
Checked Items Only
Martial arts weapons/nanchukas/throwing stars - I was really saddened when I saw this, as the TSA has taken it upon itself to blatantly discriminate against ninjas. I thought about consulting with Mr. Utah to see if we could take this to federal court for an equal protection violation, but then I realized, ninjas are not exactly a protected class. Protected in the sense of flipping out and killing anything that moves, sure, but not protected in the strict scrutiny sense.
Stun guns/shocking devices - I've got your "shocking device" right here, assholes.
Alcohol - If you buy it inside the security checkpoint, you can have it. Otherwise, no carry-on. Note that if your alcohol is more than 140 proof, you can't have it at all. Because this is, apparently, Nazi Germany.
Cricket bats - sorry, not on the plane.
Vampire bats - again, only if checked.
Sabers/Swords - Apparently they're trying to cut down on the accidental stabbing deaths or some such. Thankfully there is no such restriction on bayonets. Which is why I'll be attaching a bayonet to my cell phone, my sunglasses, my belt, my breastmilk flask, and my vampire bat. Can never be too careful, says me.
Spear guns - As if to completely take the fun out of firing a spear through several rows of annoying people in succession, the TSA has senselessly banned spear guns on the plane. Okay smart guys, so what happens when Anarchy 99 launches an aircraft scheduled to deliver Silent Night to several major cities across the globe, and the only way to stop it is fire a spear gun at the aircraft and propel across the air onto the craft, turn the bomb upside down, and sink it in a monument to badassery? Answer me that.
Firearms - No big loss for me, but for those of you who prefer shooting over stabbing, take heed.
Axes and Hatchets - Another fine pair of decapitating implements, prohibited.
Flare guns - no visits to Woodmans while on the plane, apparently.
Hammers - Sorry, MC. Looks like you better check yoself.
Cattle prods - What?!? What happens if my cows get loose and start running willy nilly all over the plane? How am I supposed to herd them back up if I can't prod them effectively?
Tools - Now this is where it gets a little bizarre. Those tools among you who are "greater than seven inches in length" must be checked. Tools who are "less than seven inches in length" can be carried on. Some mighty picky stewardesses, if you ask me. And let's face it, the vast majority of tools are nowhere near seven inches in length. Oh, snap!!
Absolutely Prohibted Items (Carry-on and Checked)
Hand grenades/dynamite - Again, as if to take the fun out of the entire vacation. Who doesn't love randomly chucking a hand grenade on the floor of the plane, letting it roll around, and trying to guess who's going to blow up?
Chlorine bleach - And how, I ask you, am I supposed to keep my whites white?
Tear gas - They may as well ban all trips to San Francisco if you ban the most effective method of clearing out large groups of hippies en masse. Sure, I can still resort to chopping them up one by one with my truty Dirty Filthy Hippie Machete, but sometimes I don't want massive quantities of chemically-altered blood on my clothes.
That pretty much covers the essentials. Happy holidays, and here's wishing safe travel to all.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
R&R
With one final swipe of the machete, the Fall 06 semester has fallen to a close. By far, the best and easiest semester for me at the UW. What a difference knowing what you want to do and having classes related to that subject can make. After drifting through my first four semesters without really engaging in anything here, the summer experience pointed me toward what I actually care about and enjoy doing. I rearranged my schedule to reflect that, and I think my grades (subpar to this point) will show that. I can finally say with some certainty that I actually want to be a lawyer. (Well, as much of a lawyer as a prosecutor is. Honestly, it's an entirely different world.) That is, until I sell a movie script and bust on up outta this bitch.
So how now to occupy my time? Some long-neglected R&R, I should think. And by R&R, I am of course referring to Roundhousing and Reprobating. The streets miss me.
So how now to occupy my time? Some long-neglected R&R, I should think. And by R&R, I am of course referring to Roundhousing and Reprobating. The streets miss me.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
One Down
That's right, F#&% Tha Police. It went as well as can be expected, considering I didn't pay attention to any of the discussions this year. Plus, donuts were provided. Now, rather than "learning" about 5-0, I can go back to doing what nature intended - tryin' not to let 'em catch me ridin' dirty.
Next up - Cliff's Wacky African Jungle Adventure Safari and Unrelated Indonesia Questions exam. Fellow safariites, polish those machetes.
Next up - Cliff's Wacky African Jungle Adventure Safari and Unrelated Indonesia Questions exam. Fellow safariites, polish those machetes.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
America...
Consider this post a reaffirmation of American preeminence. Ever since I was little, I've developed a reputation as a notoriously picky eater. I don't like vegetables, I don't really like Mexican food, I've never gone for Chinese or Indian or any other Asian food. Growing up in a rural part of Wisconsin, I never really faced much opposition to the good old fashioned American foods I was used to. So my parochial appetite was never really an issue until I came to law school. As the most diverse place I've spent any significant amount of time in, Madison offered an exceptionally broad range of ethnic foods, many of which I've come to enjoy.
As I find more and more foods that I like outside of my usual comfort zone, I've made a sincere effort to broaden my horizons. When it's time to eat, I don't automatically go to the standard burger and fries option. For instance, today the choice of where to eat lunch fell to me, and I decided on the Rising Sons Deli, a Thai/Laotian place on State Street. Thai food has been a recent addition to my pallette, and I had heard good things about this place. Additionally, a sign in the window advertises a buffet of two entrees, rice and soda for $6.95, which is not bad (Forgetting for the moment the option of A8, who provides the same for only $4.95. And hey, they can't all be as phenomenal as A8). So I met up with Kristin, and we gave it a shot.
Come to find out, the "buffet" table has only four options, none of which look particularly appetizing. And let me tell you, thine eyes did not deceive. I got some beef noodles and some meat substance, Kristin got a vegetable deal and the noodles. She took two bites before setting it aside. I wanted to like mine; I got some salt and some soy sauce, and tried to liven it up a bit. No dice. The noodles had no taste whatsoever. The rice had coagulated into a giant mushy rice ball. And the meat -- well, each piece of meat was attached to a sizeable piece of fat. I'm not sure what the meat even was. I located one piece not attached to any fat and gave that a shot. Turns out, I don't think it was supposed to be eaten. It was incredibly gamey, and lit my mouth on fire, until I neatly disposed of the wretchedness into my napkin. In a word, the meal was God-awful.
After a short discussion, we fled to McDonalds, where chicken McNuggets and a McFlurry set things right. Then we find out that Fudruckers, them of the classic American burger and fries variety, had some sort of free meal offer going on.
I know that one abysmal experience shouldn't dissuade me from trying new foods. But right now, as of this moment, all I want to do is find me an apple pie, put a slice of cheese over it, and chomp that sucker down while I salute the flag.
As I find more and more foods that I like outside of my usual comfort zone, I've made a sincere effort to broaden my horizons. When it's time to eat, I don't automatically go to the standard burger and fries option. For instance, today the choice of where to eat lunch fell to me, and I decided on the Rising Sons Deli, a Thai/Laotian place on State Street. Thai food has been a recent addition to my pallette, and I had heard good things about this place. Additionally, a sign in the window advertises a buffet of two entrees, rice and soda for $6.95, which is not bad (Forgetting for the moment the option of A8, who provides the same for only $4.95. And hey, they can't all be as phenomenal as A8). So I met up with Kristin, and we gave it a shot.
Come to find out, the "buffet" table has only four options, none of which look particularly appetizing. And let me tell you, thine eyes did not deceive. I got some beef noodles and some meat substance, Kristin got a vegetable deal and the noodles. She took two bites before setting it aside. I wanted to like mine; I got some salt and some soy sauce, and tried to liven it up a bit. No dice. The noodles had no taste whatsoever. The rice had coagulated into a giant mushy rice ball. And the meat -- well, each piece of meat was attached to a sizeable piece of fat. I'm not sure what the meat even was. I located one piece not attached to any fat and gave that a shot. Turns out, I don't think it was supposed to be eaten. It was incredibly gamey, and lit my mouth on fire, until I neatly disposed of the wretchedness into my napkin. In a word, the meal was God-awful.
After a short discussion, we fled to McDonalds, where chicken McNuggets and a McFlurry set things right. Then we find out that Fudruckers, them of the classic American burger and fries variety, had some sort of free meal offer going on.
I know that one abysmal experience shouldn't dissuade me from trying new foods. But right now, as of this moment, all I want to do is find me an apple pie, put a slice of cheese over it, and chomp that sucker down while I salute the flag.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I'll Be Back
Apparently my efforts at getting a record number of guilty pleas to Hunting Animals From an Aircraft this summer did not go unnoticed. Today I was contacted by the Winnebago County DA's office to see if I could come back to work for them for a couple weeks over winter break. Which is pretty promising, considering the position (Criminal Traffic) I would want is going to be open in January when the new DA takes office, so I imagine I'll be helping out alot there. I doubt the position will still be available by the time I graduate, but this will at least give me a chance to reconnect back there and let them know I'm interested.
Plus, from what I hear, there's been an exponential increase in the number of coyotes and possum killed from "unidentified aircraft fire" this fall while I've been away. Time to put a stop to that malarky, by gum.
Plus, from what I hear, there's been an exponential increase in the number of coyotes and possum killed from "unidentified aircraft fire" this fall while I've been away. Time to put a stop to that malarky, by gum.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Red Tape
The clerk of courts office in Winnebago County is dangerously close to incurring my wrath. I'm attempting to finish up my Character and Fitness application for the State Bar of Nazi Germany, in time to avoid paying the ridiculous $310 charge, so that I can instead pay only the equally ridiculous $210 charge. I'm already thinking fuck that, this state ought to pay me for the privilege of having me practice "law" here. Unless this is a prospective fee for all of the concrete pillars I intend to knock down in the near future. Whatever.
Anyway, I plodded along through all of the outrageously tedious requirements they already asked for, including every address I've lived at, every job I've worked in the last 10 years, as well as contact info for my supervisor from each, and the names and contact info for 6 people who supposedly can attest to my not being a psychopath, or at least a sufficiently ethical psychopath so as to be fit to practice "law" in this state. Done.
Now all that remains is getting information on all my old traffic tickets, which conveniently disappeared off of CCAP this fall. Fine. Called the clerk of courts yesterday around 3:30. Nobody's home. Oh, I forgot, their workday ends at 3:30pm. After all, they're state employees. (No small coincidence, I suppose, that I'm going to be one too.) I called back a couple times later, no answer. I should know better.
So I call back bright and early this morning. They divert me to traffic, where some complete asshole explains to me that he can't just give me that information (won't, more like it), I need to either have someone go to their office (presumably when they're open, between 9am and 9:35 am each day) and pick up a disposition report. Or I can send them a self-addressed, stamped envelope, and they can do a full background check, and send it to me within a week. I just wanted him to read me a few bits of info, but no - he's too busy. I guess his "rest of the day off" break was coming up. I came dangerously close to hanging up on his muppet ass. Called back a few minutes later, and got a woman. Very friendly this time - she says all my info should be on CCAP still. I say it's not. She says it is for her, I say I'll check again and call back if I have a problem. I check, it's not there. I call back.
This time I get a different lady who tells me I'll have to pay for a full background check, she won't just give me that info. It'll take a week, if the girl that does the background checks isn't busy this week. I asked her if I could just have someone pick up a disposition report, like that other guy said. She says no -- disposition this. I politely thanked her, and hung up.
Apparently these asswipes can't take 5 minutes to give me the information I need, which is, of course, a public record. It's not like I'm asking for reports from the Pentagon.
So I'm calling back in about a half hour, and I'm just going to see if I can get the case numbers and dates, that's all. If they can't give me that much, I'm driving back to Oshkosh this afternoon (which is pointless, because they won't be there) or tomorrow to crack a couple skulls 'til the information I need pours out.
UPDATE - I called again, asked if I could get just the date of violation for each. Do I have the citation number? No (you retard, because if I had that, I'd run the information myself, or I'd have the damn citation with me, with would have all of the info I need). Well then, you're going to have to pay for a background check. CLICK.
UPDATE - Thought about calling back, hoping to get someone else, and explain the situation. Decided - fuck 'em. The Board of Bar Examiners will take what I give them. I put the info in to the form, to the best of my ability. So I don't have the inital court date on a seat belt violation. Disbar my fat ass (or preemptively disbar). The form does say "Fill in as much as possible." I did that, notwithstanding having to pay for a full background check on myself. That's all, folks.
Anyway, I plodded along through all of the outrageously tedious requirements they already asked for, including every address I've lived at, every job I've worked in the last 10 years, as well as contact info for my supervisor from each, and the names and contact info for 6 people who supposedly can attest to my not being a psychopath, or at least a sufficiently ethical psychopath so as to be fit to practice "law" in this state. Done.
Now all that remains is getting information on all my old traffic tickets, which conveniently disappeared off of CCAP this fall. Fine. Called the clerk of courts yesterday around 3:30. Nobody's home. Oh, I forgot, their workday ends at 3:30pm. After all, they're state employees. (No small coincidence, I suppose, that I'm going to be one too.) I called back a couple times later, no answer. I should know better.
So I call back bright and early this morning. They divert me to traffic, where some complete asshole explains to me that he can't just give me that information (won't, more like it), I need to either have someone go to their office (presumably when they're open, between 9am and 9:35 am each day) and pick up a disposition report. Or I can send them a self-addressed, stamped envelope, and they can do a full background check, and send it to me within a week. I just wanted him to read me a few bits of info, but no - he's too busy. I guess his "rest of the day off" break was coming up. I came dangerously close to hanging up on his muppet ass. Called back a few minutes later, and got a woman. Very friendly this time - she says all my info should be on CCAP still. I say it's not. She says it is for her, I say I'll check again and call back if I have a problem. I check, it's not there. I call back.
This time I get a different lady who tells me I'll have to pay for a full background check, she won't just give me that info. It'll take a week, if the girl that does the background checks isn't busy this week. I asked her if I could just have someone pick up a disposition report, like that other guy said. She says no -- disposition this. I politely thanked her, and hung up.
Apparently these asswipes can't take 5 minutes to give me the information I need, which is, of course, a public record. It's not like I'm asking for reports from the Pentagon.
So I'm calling back in about a half hour, and I'm just going to see if I can get the case numbers and dates, that's all. If they can't give me that much, I'm driving back to Oshkosh this afternoon (which is pointless, because they won't be there) or tomorrow to crack a couple skulls 'til the information I need pours out.
UPDATE - I called again, asked if I could get just the date of violation for each. Do I have the citation number? No (you retard, because if I had that, I'd run the information myself, or I'd have the damn citation with me, with would have all of the info I need). Well then, you're going to have to pay for a background check. CLICK.
UPDATE - Thought about calling back, hoping to get someone else, and explain the situation. Decided - fuck 'em. The Board of Bar Examiners will take what I give them. I put the info in to the form, to the best of my ability. So I don't have the inital court date on a seat belt violation. Disbar my fat ass (or preemptively disbar). The form does say "Fill in as much as possible." I did that, notwithstanding having to pay for a full background check on myself. That's all, folks.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Bump at Your Own Risk
Some of us are just failing to keep it gangsta these days. I'm looking at you here, Snoop Dogg. Look, I know your street cred went out the window a long-ass time ago, as evidenced by last year's album (Rhythm and Gangsta: The Masterpiece) which was pretty much a piece of bubble-gum pop trash. Sure, Drop it Like It's Hot was ridiculously catchy, but catchy's not what I'm looking for from the D-O-double G. So when critics hailed the your new album, Tha Blue Carpet Treatment, as a return to the Death Row days alongside Dre and 2Pac, I got my hopes up. I expected something hella-fly. I'm talking something that would make me run out and put hydraulics and spinners on my 2000 Ford Escort. I'm talking something that would make me sport the GANGSTA ring and dollar chain for more than just special events.
Sadly, it just ain't happenin'. While Tha Blue Carpet Treatment isn't pop, it sure as shit isn't Doggystyle. Like, it might have been gangsta if any of your producers knew how to drop a decent beat. All I'm saying is, next time -- step yo game up, Dogg. Damn.
Sadly, it just ain't happenin'. While Tha Blue Carpet Treatment isn't pop, it sure as shit isn't Doggystyle. Like, it might have been gangsta if any of your producers knew how to drop a decent beat. All I'm saying is, next time -- step yo game up, Dogg. Damn.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
And Vice Saw That it Was Good
It's been so long since I've posted about anything real-life relevant that I'm struggling to remember how. Whatever, hell with all of you. Anyway, the state of the universe lately has been pleasing to me. Examples:
Finals season - relatively stress free so far. I've had work to do, but I've taken an incremental approach and gotten things done. I've got two papers to finish by Monday, but I've got each of them 2/3 done. I've got two exams, but one of them is my Wacky Jungle Safari Exam. Who the hell knows what's going to be on there. The other is only worth 40% of my grade because we've had a couple of papers to write. (Which, after 2 1/2 yrs of law school, I find extremely helpful because it makes me engage with the material earlier in the semester. I really think the structure of having one final exam at the end of the semester worth 100% of your grade is a horrible class format - everything's riding on one four hour period and whether you can assess a problem with the limited resources you have at that time. Profs said this was to simulate the real life pressures of lawyering, which is total bullshit. Never again in my life will I face a four hour period where I have to assess three hypotheticals, all covering different areas of a legal subject, and make the best argument I can. Especially closed book - - what the fuck is that? This is the legal profession, is it not? All we do is read cases and statutes, and argue from them. Assholes. Rant closed) My last final is Dec. 18th, then I've got some free time to go lion hunting. Also, my Character and Fitness Application is almost finished, save for some speeding ticket questions. And after consulting with Mary Beth Whatsername, I've determined that I will, in fact, be graduating in May. How about that?
Next semester: For my final performance here at the U-dub, I've enrolled in Trusts and Estates (after putting it off as long as possible), Sentencing Fun with Dickey and Smith, and the Legal Defense Program. This equals out to one exam (T&E) which I can pass fail, potentially only one graded class (Sentencing) where the median grade is 90, and LDP. I'm not even going to attend T&E. I'm going to stay working part-time at my law clerk job, which pays a relatively obscene amount for what I do, and for which I recently completed my first appellate brief for the Court of Appeals (which will be promptly laughed out of court, seeing as how I had to craft all of my helpful legal authority out of make believe and duct tape). More importantly, LDP will get me back to court. Sure, I'll have to deal with clients (shiver) and being on the losing side most of the time, but I'll still look fly. I've wanted to get into Dane County's new court house for so long, I'd go in representing Dirty Filthy Stinking Hippies against America if I got to speak on the record.
Plus, more hands-on criminal experience, and more in-court experience should look good to potential employers.
Capitol One Bowl - This is straight-up insane. Let me break this down. Paid Vacation. Including Air Fare and Hotel. Over New Year's Eve. To Orlando, Florida. With Hot Chick. Paid for by Hot Chick's Mom. Pluse some extra Spending Money. To watch the Capitol One Bowl. And see the Badgers destroy Arkansas. And go to Disney World. And chill on the Beach. Where it's Sunny and Warm All the Time. Holy Crap! I can't even begin to explain how excited I am for this (So please forgive the crass description, Hot Chick :)
Law Revue: On the horizon. Had a meeting, which went pretty well. Mr. Utah has already provided a killer sketch, and another sketch provided a pretty funny riff on Weston (and y'all know how much I like to "riff" on Weston, if you know what I mean). Personally, I've had some trouble getting started on writing; loads of ideas, but little application thus far. I've got one in the pan that should be fun if it ever comes together. Until then, just the fact that this is coming up provides much to look forward to.
All of this leads me to believe I can endurethe coming cold front/global television hiatus that threatens to darken the next two months (shiver).
Finals season - relatively stress free so far. I've had work to do, but I've taken an incremental approach and gotten things done. I've got two papers to finish by Monday, but I've got each of them 2/3 done. I've got two exams, but one of them is my Wacky Jungle Safari Exam. Who the hell knows what's going to be on there. The other is only worth 40% of my grade because we've had a couple of papers to write. (Which, after 2 1/2 yrs of law school, I find extremely helpful because it makes me engage with the material earlier in the semester. I really think the structure of having one final exam at the end of the semester worth 100% of your grade is a horrible class format - everything's riding on one four hour period and whether you can assess a problem with the limited resources you have at that time. Profs said this was to simulate the real life pressures of lawyering, which is total bullshit. Never again in my life will I face a four hour period where I have to assess three hypotheticals, all covering different areas of a legal subject, and make the best argument I can. Especially closed book - - what the fuck is that? This is the legal profession, is it not? All we do is read cases and statutes, and argue from them. Assholes. Rant closed) My last final is Dec. 18th, then I've got some free time to go lion hunting. Also, my Character and Fitness Application is almost finished, save for some speeding ticket questions. And after consulting with Mary Beth Whatsername, I've determined that I will, in fact, be graduating in May. How about that?
Next semester: For my final performance here at the U-dub, I've enrolled in Trusts and Estates (after putting it off as long as possible), Sentencing Fun with Dickey and Smith, and the Legal Defense Program. This equals out to one exam (T&E) which I can pass fail, potentially only one graded class (Sentencing) where the median grade is 90, and LDP. I'm not even going to attend T&E. I'm going to stay working part-time at my law clerk job, which pays a relatively obscene amount for what I do, and for which I recently completed my first appellate brief for the Court of Appeals (which will be promptly laughed out of court, seeing as how I had to craft all of my helpful legal authority out of make believe and duct tape). More importantly, LDP will get me back to court. Sure, I'll have to deal with clients (shiver) and being on the losing side most of the time, but I'll still look fly. I've wanted to get into Dane County's new court house for so long, I'd go in representing Dirty Filthy Stinking Hippies against America if I got to speak on the record.
Plus, more hands-on criminal experience, and more in-court experience should look good to potential employers.
Capitol One Bowl - This is straight-up insane. Let me break this down. Paid Vacation. Including Air Fare and Hotel. Over New Year's Eve. To Orlando, Florida. With Hot Chick. Paid for by Hot Chick's Mom. Pluse some extra Spending Money. To watch the Capitol One Bowl. And see the Badgers destroy Arkansas. And go to Disney World. And chill on the Beach. Where it's Sunny and Warm All the Time. Holy Crap! I can't even begin to explain how excited I am for this (So please forgive the crass description, Hot Chick :)
Law Revue: On the horizon. Had a meeting, which went pretty well. Mr. Utah has already provided a killer sketch, and another sketch provided a pretty funny riff on Weston (and y'all know how much I like to "riff" on Weston, if you know what I mean). Personally, I've had some trouble getting started on writing; loads of ideas, but little application thus far. I've got one in the pan that should be fun if it ever comes together. Until then, just the fact that this is coming up provides much to look forward to.
All of this leads me to believe I can endurethe coming cold front/global television hiatus that threatens to darken the next two months (shiver).
Sunday, December 03, 2006
This Just In
Cold weather is bad. (M'kay.) The winter is awful, and so is everyone that likes the winter. That is all.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Heroes
Nice to be wrong sometimes. I didn't want to watch this show. Hearing the premise of a bunch of normal people gaining super powers and using them to fight evil seemed like exactly my type of show, but for some reason I assumed it wouldn't be any good, and I'd just be disappointed. So I skipped the pilot. But my far wiser and prettier half wanted to watch it, so I got dragged along to watch episode 2. Still skeptical, I found several things to not like about it. First, there was some grotesque and seemingly-unnecessarily graphic corpses going on in that episode. I'm talking someone frozen and missing half a skull, and another nailed horizontally to a wall for no apparent reason. Then there's the dialogue- - decent, but not spectacular. Not trite and cliched, but not witty and irreverant, like other hero-based shows I've known and loved. Then, some of the powers were just weird. The chick that looked into the mirror, then woke up later and everyone was murdered, horribly, with the implication that she had done it. The guy that painted the future, but only when under the influence of heroine. What type of message is that? And the plot seemed a bit scattershot, other than preventing a massive explosion some time in the future. Overall, it was okay. But not good enough for me to commit to another series.
Or so I thought. I watched the next episode. It was a little funnier. A few things started clicking into place. Characters started connecting. The next episode was better. Sure enough, the show hooked me. And every episode so far has been better than the previous one, which is a damn impressive feat.
So what's to like? First, Hiro. The loveably language-challenged, good-natured Japanese kid with the ability to stop time. He is instantly likeable, and provides a lot of the humor, along with his coworker, translator, and friend, Ando. Hiro's the perfect normal-guy-discovers-power character for the viewers to identify with. He's so normal. He looks nothing like an action star. Even though we see a glimpse of his sword-wielding badass future, we know his affable, nice-guy-living-in-obscurity roots. He has a power, and he wants to use it to help people. He doesn't always succeed, but you can't help but root for him. There's a little bit of Hiro in all of us.
Next, you wonder who the villains are. Claire's father is clearly a villain, and there's a solid air of sinister beneath his everyman image. He's got an agenda, you bet your ass. And it can't be too pretty. Yet he comes off sympathetic, if only for his obvious concern for Claire. He's still a father (albeit adoptive), and his protective instinct is pretty severe. Of course, he could be protecting her for other reasons, say...he needs her for his ultimate plan. Or, could be a little of both. Still, Mr. Bennett is a great villain - - understated, yet quietly menacing.
Also, as each hero's power is explored, you start to see there is a character-relevant metaphor for each, which I really hoped was the case. For example, Peter has always been in his brother's shadow, never really did anything that remarkable on his own. So he's got issues as to whether he is able to accomplish something, whether he will amount to anything. He wants to be a hero, but he struggles to figure out what he can do. Ultimately he discovers that his power is that he can absorb and use the powers of others when near them. This means, as he admitted a couple episodes ago, he is pretty much powerless on his own. So the question will be whether he can overcome that, and help people without the benefit of borrowed supernatural powers.
By contrast, we have his brother Nathan - the politician, the golden boy, with unlimited potential. His superpower? He can fly. Certainly appropriate. However, he denies his power, tries to act like it doesn't exist, and tries to curb his brother's heroic impulses. And he's mired in controversy and corruption - tied to a mob family, paying for support in the election. Cheating on his crippled wife. Also appears to be cold and heartless a good portion of the time. Now, this leads some to suspect maybe Nathan will turn out to be a villain, or conclude he's just a bad person. I don't think so. I think it shows he's got a lot of personal issues to overcome before he can accept his destiny as a hero. As someone with considerable power in the real world, he also has the power to help people. Right now, he's mired in selfish, shortsighted crap. He doesn't see his potential for greatness. But when he does, when he accepts his gift? Sky's the limit.
That pretty much sums up the show. Heroes has endless potential. I know some friends who are skeptical as to how long the show can last, because once they deal with Mr. Bennett and Sylar and this future explosion, then what? What's left to deal with?
Believe me, that's just the start. If the writers are worth their salt (and by the way the story seems to be coming together, I'd say they certainly are) then they've got things lined up for years to come. When one villain is taken down, another rises, with a different and even more sinister plan for the future. (Realistically, Sylar is probably small time. Sure, he can do some scary shit, but he's just accumulating powers. Worry about the Mr. Bennett types with bigger plans.) What happens when some of these "heroes" decide to use their powers for evil? What happens when one of our main characters goes through something so painful that it changes them, and they become the enemy? What happens when the public finds out? Sure, X-Men has explored that implication many times over - fear, paranoia, hatred, and conflict - but it's definitely something that should be addressed here.
It sounds like we're just about to find out some of the bigger questions about the powers themselves - how they happened, why they happened, what they mean, etc. To me, this is (or should be) the broader point of the show - - not dispatching the particular villain of the week, or stopping the impending disaster. There will always be more villains and more disasters down the road. A good show uses these villains and disasters as signposts along the roadway toward what the writers want to say, the broader message. From what I can tell, that message is that each and every one of us can be heroes, that each of us has the power to help people and make a difference. This show should be able to last several strong years just showing the growth and development of these characters as they go from insignificant to heroic. And despite my earlier reservations, I believe this show just might get there.
This marks the end of my comprehensive television review. Thanks for reading.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled posting about random, outlandish crap.
Or so I thought. I watched the next episode. It was a little funnier. A few things started clicking into place. Characters started connecting. The next episode was better. Sure enough, the show hooked me. And every episode so far has been better than the previous one, which is a damn impressive feat.
So what's to like? First, Hiro. The loveably language-challenged, good-natured Japanese kid with the ability to stop time. He is instantly likeable, and provides a lot of the humor, along with his coworker, translator, and friend, Ando. Hiro's the perfect normal-guy-discovers-power character for the viewers to identify with. He's so normal. He looks nothing like an action star. Even though we see a glimpse of his sword-wielding badass future, we know his affable, nice-guy-living-in-obscurity roots. He has a power, and he wants to use it to help people. He doesn't always succeed, but you can't help but root for him. There's a little bit of Hiro in all of us.
Next, you wonder who the villains are. Claire's father is clearly a villain, and there's a solid air of sinister beneath his everyman image. He's got an agenda, you bet your ass. And it can't be too pretty. Yet he comes off sympathetic, if only for his obvious concern for Claire. He's still a father (albeit adoptive), and his protective instinct is pretty severe. Of course, he could be protecting her for other reasons, say...he needs her for his ultimate plan. Or, could be a little of both. Still, Mr. Bennett is a great villain - - understated, yet quietly menacing.
Also, as each hero's power is explored, you start to see there is a character-relevant metaphor for each, which I really hoped was the case. For example, Peter has always been in his brother's shadow, never really did anything that remarkable on his own. So he's got issues as to whether he is able to accomplish something, whether he will amount to anything. He wants to be a hero, but he struggles to figure out what he can do. Ultimately he discovers that his power is that he can absorb and use the powers of others when near them. This means, as he admitted a couple episodes ago, he is pretty much powerless on his own. So the question will be whether he can overcome that, and help people without the benefit of borrowed supernatural powers.
By contrast, we have his brother Nathan - the politician, the golden boy, with unlimited potential. His superpower? He can fly. Certainly appropriate. However, he denies his power, tries to act like it doesn't exist, and tries to curb his brother's heroic impulses. And he's mired in controversy and corruption - tied to a mob family, paying for support in the election. Cheating on his crippled wife. Also appears to be cold and heartless a good portion of the time. Now, this leads some to suspect maybe Nathan will turn out to be a villain, or conclude he's just a bad person. I don't think so. I think it shows he's got a lot of personal issues to overcome before he can accept his destiny as a hero. As someone with considerable power in the real world, he also has the power to help people. Right now, he's mired in selfish, shortsighted crap. He doesn't see his potential for greatness. But when he does, when he accepts his gift? Sky's the limit.
That pretty much sums up the show. Heroes has endless potential. I know some friends who are skeptical as to how long the show can last, because once they deal with Mr. Bennett and Sylar and this future explosion, then what? What's left to deal with?
Believe me, that's just the start. If the writers are worth their salt (and by the way the story seems to be coming together, I'd say they certainly are) then they've got things lined up for years to come. When one villain is taken down, another rises, with a different and even more sinister plan for the future. (Realistically, Sylar is probably small time. Sure, he can do some scary shit, but he's just accumulating powers. Worry about the Mr. Bennett types with bigger plans.) What happens when some of these "heroes" decide to use their powers for evil? What happens when one of our main characters goes through something so painful that it changes them, and they become the enemy? What happens when the public finds out? Sure, X-Men has explored that implication many times over - fear, paranoia, hatred, and conflict - but it's definitely something that should be addressed here.
It sounds like we're just about to find out some of the bigger questions about the powers themselves - how they happened, why they happened, what they mean, etc. To me, this is (or should be) the broader point of the show - - not dispatching the particular villain of the week, or stopping the impending disaster. There will always be more villains and more disasters down the road. A good show uses these villains and disasters as signposts along the roadway toward what the writers want to say, the broader message. From what I can tell, that message is that each and every one of us can be heroes, that each of us has the power to help people and make a difference. This show should be able to last several strong years just showing the growth and development of these characters as they go from insignificant to heroic. And despite my earlier reservations, I believe this show just might get there.
This marks the end of my comprehensive television review. Thanks for reading.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled posting about random, outlandish crap.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
This is the first of two show reviews I'm doing without the benefit of having seen a full season, and being able to look back at the beginning after knowing what it was building to. But, steady onward. By all accounts, this should be a great show for me. First, its written by Aaron Sorkin, the creator of the West Wing, which I enjoyed immensely. This ensures that same fast-paced, witty repartee from characters too smart and too clever to actually exist. Second, it's got an excellent cast of actors I enjoy - Matthew Perry, Bradley Whitford, Amanda Peel, Timothy Busfield, DL Hughley, plus a revolving cast of big name guest stars (Ed Asner, John Goodman, your mom). Third, it's about sketch comedy, and given my predilection for Saturday Night Live, this should be right up my alley. Given all of that....
It's disappointing. Don't get me wrong, it's a good show. Just not as good as it ought to be. It's funny, but not that funny. Its got good characters and interaction, just not that good. And its got good stories, but....sometimes I just can't bring myself to care. This show is at its best when the fictional show is in crisis mode for some reason or another, because then the inherent craziness of the characters and what they do is allowed to breathe. When it tries to tell cute little stories, like the old guy who used to work for the show, or the one actor trying to connect with his conservative Midwestern parents, I lose all interest. When it preaches about Christianity and gay rights, I roll my eyes. Its not that I don't like hearing about social and political issues, it's that I don't like hearing what actors and celebrities have to say about social and political issues. Even when I know those statements are coming from a writer like Sorkin.
Mostly this show suffers by comparison to the West Wing. That's the show it's the most like, and it's simply nowhere near as good. The problem is that all of the fast-walking, behind-the-scenes maneuvering here goes to making a comedy show; in the West Wing, they were crafting national policy and resolving international tensions. Studio 60 has that same sense of excitement and urgency; what it lacks is that sense of importance. Even when it tries to talk about important issues.
Again, that's the problem - this show has too much of the style of West Wing, with little of the substance. Studio 60 needs to be its own show. When it focuses on the mechanics of making a comedy show, it works. Give me conflict within the network. Give me conflict between the writers. Give me people struggling to be funny. (Struggling people are funny.) Give me actors with personal drama. Don't give me the West Wing's oddball cousin.
Certainly, there is plenty of potential here. I still love the actors, and how they play off each other. I absoltely loved Jack, the asshole network guy, going off on the potentially lucrative business partner for apparently insulting Jordan's honor. That tirade showed some depth of character; that while he's a money-hungry, ambitious bastard most of the time, he also cares a great deal about the people who work for them, and he'll go to the mat to defend them.
Also, there are plenty of smaller elements I enjoy. Really, I want to like this show. I hope it succeeds. I hope it improves. The last few episodes have been very good. Again, this might be part of criticizing a first-year show midway through its season -- the show could definitely gel and hit its stride. Here's hoping....
Final installment in the series: Heroes
It's disappointing. Don't get me wrong, it's a good show. Just not as good as it ought to be. It's funny, but not that funny. Its got good characters and interaction, just not that good. And its got good stories, but....sometimes I just can't bring myself to care. This show is at its best when the fictional show is in crisis mode for some reason or another, because then the inherent craziness of the characters and what they do is allowed to breathe. When it tries to tell cute little stories, like the old guy who used to work for the show, or the one actor trying to connect with his conservative Midwestern parents, I lose all interest. When it preaches about Christianity and gay rights, I roll my eyes. Its not that I don't like hearing about social and political issues, it's that I don't like hearing what actors and celebrities have to say about social and political issues. Even when I know those statements are coming from a writer like Sorkin.
Mostly this show suffers by comparison to the West Wing. That's the show it's the most like, and it's simply nowhere near as good. The problem is that all of the fast-walking, behind-the-scenes maneuvering here goes to making a comedy show; in the West Wing, they were crafting national policy and resolving international tensions. Studio 60 has that same sense of excitement and urgency; what it lacks is that sense of importance. Even when it tries to talk about important issues.
Again, that's the problem - this show has too much of the style of West Wing, with little of the substance. Studio 60 needs to be its own show. When it focuses on the mechanics of making a comedy show, it works. Give me conflict within the network. Give me conflict between the writers. Give me people struggling to be funny. (Struggling people are funny.) Give me actors with personal drama. Don't give me the West Wing's oddball cousin.
Certainly, there is plenty of potential here. I still love the actors, and how they play off each other. I absoltely loved Jack, the asshole network guy, going off on the potentially lucrative business partner for apparently insulting Jordan's honor. That tirade showed some depth of character; that while he's a money-hungry, ambitious bastard most of the time, he also cares a great deal about the people who work for them, and he'll go to the mat to defend them.
Also, there are plenty of smaller elements I enjoy. Really, I want to like this show. I hope it succeeds. I hope it improves. The last few episodes have been very good. Again, this might be part of criticizing a first-year show midway through its season -- the show could definitely gel and hit its stride. Here's hoping....
Final installment in the series: Heroes
Monday, November 20, 2006
Lost
I'm glad I passed on this show when it first came out. It saved me two seasons worth of outrage. I've never found a show that I liked so much that pissed me off even more. Most of the time, Lost gives you intriguing, deeply-layered mystery intertwined with solid character drama. The rest of the time, it gives you a "What the fuck?" complex, often leading to food and other objects chucked at the TV screen in an unbridled rage.
The first season is incredibly good. You get a few dozen characters crashed down on an uninhabited (?) island. Each character has an air of mystery to them, and each episode picks a particular character and delves into their backstory, with each flashback giving a little insight into the character. The characters have to work together to survive, not just the obligatory "man vs. nature" conflicts of finding food, water, and shelter, but the "man vs. weird shit that keeps happening" conflicts of fighting polar bears, hallucinations, and smoke monsters. The island itself becomes a character, because something is clearly messed up, and unraveling the many mysteries of the island becomes the driving force of the - -
Wait a minute, did he just say "Smoke Monsters?" What in the frilly hell is a smoke monster?
This is what I'm talking about. The show is flippin' crazy. Sometimes, in a hella good way. Sometimes, it's just plain maddening. A good mystery series presents a bunch of compelling questions the characters go about solving as the show progresses. A really good mystery series solves some questions while presenting new and equally compelling questions to continue the show. Lost falls into the latter category, more or less by default, because it answers questions at a rate of about 3 per season, and raises roughly another 15 scrillion per season.
At some point, you start thinking that maybe the writers have no answers, and their basic strategy is to throw new mysteries in there willy nilly to leave the viewers thinking "Wow, this show is so good, I have no earthly idea what the hell is going on in any part of this show whatsoever." I'm only about half-sure that's not what's happening.
By now, in mid-Season 3, some of the loose ends are starting to mosey on toward one another, providing a vague framework of potential answers. That's the best I can give you.
Also, Locke is an excellent character. The guy is vague and cryptic, philosophical and faith-based, which is fun. At the same time, he's got a dagger collection to rival that of Cliff Thompson. He goes through some changes as the series progresses, not all of them good, but most of them necessary. All in all, probably my favorite character. (Except maybe Mr. Eko and his Jesus stick.)
All in all, Lost is an excellent show. It always keeps you guessing, and when it finally pays off its secrets, they usually play out pretty well. The writers pull the curtain back inch by agonizing inch, but so far what they've revealed is pretty tantalizing. Like a book that you can't possibly set down until you've consumed every word, and would then cap somebody and pry the next chapter out of their cold, dead fingers to feed the fix. This show seriously leave you fiending.
My advice for those of you who haven't seen it yet - wait until it's over, then get the DVD sets. Otherwise you'll have to wait, episode to episode, season to season, cliffhanger to diabolical cliffhanger. Or maybe that's half the fun.
Fuckin' smoke monsters.
Next in the Series: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
The first season is incredibly good. You get a few dozen characters crashed down on an uninhabited (?) island. Each character has an air of mystery to them, and each episode picks a particular character and delves into their backstory, with each flashback giving a little insight into the character. The characters have to work together to survive, not just the obligatory "man vs. nature" conflicts of finding food, water, and shelter, but the "man vs. weird shit that keeps happening" conflicts of fighting polar bears, hallucinations, and smoke monsters. The island itself becomes a character, because something is clearly messed up, and unraveling the many mysteries of the island becomes the driving force of the - -
Wait a minute, did he just say "Smoke Monsters?" What in the frilly hell is a smoke monster?
This is what I'm talking about. The show is flippin' crazy. Sometimes, in a hella good way. Sometimes, it's just plain maddening. A good mystery series presents a bunch of compelling questions the characters go about solving as the show progresses. A really good mystery series solves some questions while presenting new and equally compelling questions to continue the show. Lost falls into the latter category, more or less by default, because it answers questions at a rate of about 3 per season, and raises roughly another 15 scrillion per season.
At some point, you start thinking that maybe the writers have no answers, and their basic strategy is to throw new mysteries in there willy nilly to leave the viewers thinking "Wow, this show is so good, I have no earthly idea what the hell is going on in any part of this show whatsoever." I'm only about half-sure that's not what's happening.
By now, in mid-Season 3, some of the loose ends are starting to mosey on toward one another, providing a vague framework of potential answers. That's the best I can give you.
Also, Locke is an excellent character. The guy is vague and cryptic, philosophical and faith-based, which is fun. At the same time, he's got a dagger collection to rival that of Cliff Thompson. He goes through some changes as the series progresses, not all of them good, but most of them necessary. All in all, probably my favorite character. (Except maybe Mr. Eko and his Jesus stick.)
All in all, Lost is an excellent show. It always keeps you guessing, and when it finally pays off its secrets, they usually play out pretty well. The writers pull the curtain back inch by agonizing inch, but so far what they've revealed is pretty tantalizing. Like a book that you can't possibly set down until you've consumed every word, and would then cap somebody and pry the next chapter out of their cold, dead fingers to feed the fix. This show seriously leave you fiending.
My advice for those of you who haven't seen it yet - wait until it's over, then get the DVD sets. Otherwise you'll have to wait, episode to episode, season to season, cliffhanger to diabolical cliffhanger. Or maybe that's half the fun.
Fuckin' smoke monsters.
Next in the Series: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Battlestar Galactica
The first thing I'll say about Battlestar Galactica is that this ain't yo momma's science fiction. This is not a fleet of noble human beings exploring space, engaging in diplomatic relations with various alien races, and saving benign alien races and their planets from destruction. Galactica presents a desperate fleet of human beings, having just escaped the total annihilation of the human race on their home planets, now searching the galaxy for a new home. All the while they're being pursued by the mechanically sinister Cylons, a race of machines originally created by humans to be servants, who then rose up against the humans and ultimately wiped them out in a nuclear holocaust.
I am not the first television critic to say it, nor will I be the last: Battlestar Galactica is the best show on television.
I could go on and on about the action, the characters, the intricate plotting, but that's not what makes this the best series out there. What makes this show so incredible is its relevance to the current state of the world. The show deftly mixes political, military, and religious intrigue, as the last remnants of humanity struggle to surivive and protect themselves from the Cylons, while holding onto the principles of freedom and democracy.
For instance, after the nuclear attack, the battlestar Galactica, an old military vessel, escapes the conflict with a fleet of civilian ships in tow. The Galactica is led by Commander Adama, a grizzled old war veteran, who does everything he can to keep the fleet safe and alive. Thus he gives the orders, and the civilians are expected to follow. But his authority is challenged by the now-highest up in the order of succession, a woman, the Secretary of Education. She becomes the president, and the first season explores the conflict between them as they clash over the conflicting goals of security and freedom. This leads to problems over other issues like holding elections, freedom of the press, and abortion. Just like America in the 21st century, the surviving human race faces the question of how much liberty they are willing to sacrifice in order to feel safe.
And while the humans battle each other over these issues, in the greater scheme of things, the Cylons often represent terrorists. Though originally hulking and metallic figures, the Cylons figured out how to make human models of themselves, which is how they infiltrated the human race and nearly wiped them out. This leaves the humans fearful and paranoid, because anyone can be a Cylon, plotting their destruction all along. The issue of torture and the rights of POWs also comes front and center when the human fleet captures one of the human-modeled Cylons. Both the military and civilian government struggles with these questions; their enemies are machines, but they look and act human. They claim to believe in God, and to have emotions, the capacity to love. So is it okay to torture one for information? How about rape? Enemies or not, can we allow ourselves to do these things?
The religious element is also important, because as I said, the Cylons believe in one God, the Judeo-Christian God, while the humans believe in a pantheon of gods. The Cylons believe they are fulfilling God's wishes by wiping out humanity - - a violent, murderous, unworthy race. This provides an intriguing twist, as the Cylons talk about being God's children, about love and forgiveness, and God's plan for them. And we know all along that the Cylons have a master plan, besides just killing us. The secrecy of this plan provides another important issue.
At all times, the question driving the show is this: Is humanity worth saving? The Cylons didn't think so, so they tried to eradicate us. But the crew of the Galactica and the civilian fleet prove themselves to be good people, flawed but heroic, and worthy of saving. They do everything possible to hold onto the last glimmer of humanity left in them, and the hope that some day they can live in peace.
Bottom line: The conflicts are epic, and the drama is simply riveting. I highly recommend this show to anyone who appreciates good drama.
**Also, didn't mean to downplay how cool the action is in this show. Let me just say there are giant frickin' space battles occurring at a pretty good frequency.
Next in the series: Lost
I am not the first television critic to say it, nor will I be the last: Battlestar Galactica is the best show on television.
I could go on and on about the action, the characters, the intricate plotting, but that's not what makes this the best series out there. What makes this show so incredible is its relevance to the current state of the world. The show deftly mixes political, military, and religious intrigue, as the last remnants of humanity struggle to surivive and protect themselves from the Cylons, while holding onto the principles of freedom and democracy.
For instance, after the nuclear attack, the battlestar Galactica, an old military vessel, escapes the conflict with a fleet of civilian ships in tow. The Galactica is led by Commander Adama, a grizzled old war veteran, who does everything he can to keep the fleet safe and alive. Thus he gives the orders, and the civilians are expected to follow. But his authority is challenged by the now-highest up in the order of succession, a woman, the Secretary of Education. She becomes the president, and the first season explores the conflict between them as they clash over the conflicting goals of security and freedom. This leads to problems over other issues like holding elections, freedom of the press, and abortion. Just like America in the 21st century, the surviving human race faces the question of how much liberty they are willing to sacrifice in order to feel safe.
And while the humans battle each other over these issues, in the greater scheme of things, the Cylons often represent terrorists. Though originally hulking and metallic figures, the Cylons figured out how to make human models of themselves, which is how they infiltrated the human race and nearly wiped them out. This leaves the humans fearful and paranoid, because anyone can be a Cylon, plotting their destruction all along. The issue of torture and the rights of POWs also comes front and center when the human fleet captures one of the human-modeled Cylons. Both the military and civilian government struggles with these questions; their enemies are machines, but they look and act human. They claim to believe in God, and to have emotions, the capacity to love. So is it okay to torture one for information? How about rape? Enemies or not, can we allow ourselves to do these things?
The religious element is also important, because as I said, the Cylons believe in one God, the Judeo-Christian God, while the humans believe in a pantheon of gods. The Cylons believe they are fulfilling God's wishes by wiping out humanity - - a violent, murderous, unworthy race. This provides an intriguing twist, as the Cylons talk about being God's children, about love and forgiveness, and God's plan for them. And we know all along that the Cylons have a master plan, besides just killing us. The secrecy of this plan provides another important issue.
At all times, the question driving the show is this: Is humanity worth saving? The Cylons didn't think so, so they tried to eradicate us. But the crew of the Galactica and the civilian fleet prove themselves to be good people, flawed but heroic, and worthy of saving. They do everything possible to hold onto the last glimmer of humanity left in them, and the hope that some day they can live in peace.
Bottom line: The conflicts are epic, and the drama is simply riveting. I highly recommend this show to anyone who appreciates good drama.
**Also, didn't mean to downplay how cool the action is in this show. Let me just say there are giant frickin' space battles occurring at a pretty good frequency.
Next in the series: Lost
Monday, November 13, 2006
Smallville
Despite my clear predilection for watching sci-fi and superhero-based entertainment, the idea of watching Superman's formative years didn't appeal to me initially. Thus I didn't watch Smallville when it first came on; I didn't watch it at all until last year. For one thing, I was never a big fan of Superman. My problem with Superman, as I've mentioned before, is that he's too powerful. He's got super speed, super strength, super hearing, x-ray vision, heat vision, invulnerability to everything (with one notable exception), and oh yeah, he can fly. The problem for me is making a dramatic conflict. Exactly who is this guy going to struggle to defeat? Villains typically fall into two categories -- brutes and geniuses. And what brute is going to beat Superman? Unless, of course, he has kryptonite. Or, if the villian is also an alien, and thus has powers above and beyond that of Superman. On the other hand, you've got evil geniuses, a la Superman's arch nemesis, Lex Luthor. The evil genius can make an excellent foil, and works as a concept overall, but then you've got to make sure his evil scheme isn't completely retarded (he built a frickin' continent? Sinister alert!!) (Sorry A-Mart, had to go there.) Too often the evil scheme is huge and maniacal and, well, completely illogical. So that can be a problem.
Then there's the backdrop of Smallville itself - - Smallville, Kansas. I don't like farms. I don't like barns. I don't like corn fields. I don't like simple, agrarian values-schlock. At least not for the setting of a movie/television show.
Granted, once I started watching the show, this wasn't a big problem. The focus of the show was naturally on Clark's growing pains, adaptation to super powers, being different and keeping secrets, and becoming a hero, in addition to his relationships to his friends. Basically, this was the Buffy-ized version of Superman. It was even on the same network, the WB. It even had Buffy's "Monster-of-the-Week" style conflict. In Buffy, there was a different demon and/or high school student affected by supernatural phenomena to fight; in Smallville, there was a different being and/or high school student affected by kryptonite to deal with. As with Buffy, Smallville used its kryptonite-laced phenomena as a metaphor to represent problems that actual high school students have to face. And just like Buffy, sometimes this worked well, other times it was just silly, like devolving into a Clark vs. Bugman type conflict. Ack.
But overall, it seems like my type of show, right? Well, yeah. But it really suffers by comparison. For one thing, the writing isn't nearly as good. It had that same type of character and relationship soap drama of Buffy, but it lacked the caustic wit that often permeated the blatantly silly moments of Buffy, showing the writers knew it was silly, the characters knew it was silly, and they were going to have some fun with it. By contrast, Smallville had far too many soap moments where a character approaches Clark with the same-old "I've got a feeling you're hiding something from me" drama. Ooh, is important character number 3 going to discover Clark's secret? No, you dolt. Random expendable character number 8 might, but the importent characters are sadly left in the dark for far too long. Sure, they've each found out several times in various episodes, and each time have been struck with a ridiculously convenient (for the writers, that is) case of amnesia. Gosh, I just learned all of this earth-shattering information about my best friend, but, Oops!! There it goes again. He's just a normal farm boy, who happens to rescue everyone at the last moment, every single time that goes wrong. Huh.
So if I rag on the show so much, why do I watch it, and why do I have the first 5 seasons on DVD? Other than my TV-on-DVD compulsion, it's still a good show. Sure, the writing isn't always (or often) that sharp. Sure the conflicts can be silly. Sure the overall plot unfolds painfully slowly at times. (1/3 of the way through Season 6, and Lana still doesn't know a damn thing. When the hell are they going to pay this moment off? ) Sure, Tom Welling looks like he's getting anally penetrated on that ridiculous WB billboard on Fish Hatchery Road. Still...it's not a bad show.
For starters, it does have that "hero developing his powers and using them for good" element that I always enjoy seeing. Then it has Lex Luthor. Now, those of you who know the Superman story through comics or movies know they battle as adults, and you know that Lex is a Metropolis sophisticate, while Clark came from Hicksville. This show transports Lex into Hicksville, and they first become best friends. Now, that's a hell of a cool twist, I think, mostly because the writers made it relatively plausible. As interesting a character as Clark can be, I think exploring the development of Lex from spoiled rich kid into evil super genius is far more compelling. I love the warped-mentor/rival relationship between Lex and his cruel and brilliant father, Lionel. That's a good story.
The Clark/Lex friendship is also pretty interesting, though it suffers from the same "I know you're hiding something from me" revolving plotline as every other friendship Clark has in this show. Still, watching them go from mutual admiration and fraternity into distrust and hatred has been good television. Particularly because Michael Rosenbaum plays a damn good Lex.
Also, the show has gotten considerably stronger over the years. The addition of Lois has invigorated the show (to an extent, as she's been terribly underused so far), and this will only increase as her role in Clark's life expands. I suppose this show has been necessarily limited by the well-established canon of Superman mythology, so the over-arching plotlines have been constrained to the point of setting up what will happen later. Clark and Lex can't exactly have a fight to the death in this show, because, well, you get the idea.
Over the years, the conflicts have gotten bigger and better. Clark and Lana have fallen out, Clark and Lex are now on the verge of being enemies. Clark and Lois are each becoming involved in the world of journalism. Clark is facing off with alien forces from his father's past. And he's starting to become pulled towards being a hero on the grander scale. The stories no longer involve kryptonite-freaks from high school doing weird shit. The dialogue has gotten noticeably sharper. So....
Overall, it's not perfect. Far, far from it. But it's right up my alley, and has only gotten better over time. Like Clark, you know this show could soar at any moment. If only it could get its fat ass off the ground for good.....
Next in the series: Battlestar Galactica
Then there's the backdrop of Smallville itself - - Smallville, Kansas. I don't like farms. I don't like barns. I don't like corn fields. I don't like simple, agrarian values-schlock. At least not for the setting of a movie/television show.
Granted, once I started watching the show, this wasn't a big problem. The focus of the show was naturally on Clark's growing pains, adaptation to super powers, being different and keeping secrets, and becoming a hero, in addition to his relationships to his friends. Basically, this was the Buffy-ized version of Superman. It was even on the same network, the WB. It even had Buffy's "Monster-of-the-Week" style conflict. In Buffy, there was a different demon and/or high school student affected by supernatural phenomena to fight; in Smallville, there was a different being and/or high school student affected by kryptonite to deal with. As with Buffy, Smallville used its kryptonite-laced phenomena as a metaphor to represent problems that actual high school students have to face. And just like Buffy, sometimes this worked well, other times it was just silly, like devolving into a Clark vs. Bugman type conflict. Ack.
But overall, it seems like my type of show, right? Well, yeah. But it really suffers by comparison. For one thing, the writing isn't nearly as good. It had that same type of character and relationship soap drama of Buffy, but it lacked the caustic wit that often permeated the blatantly silly moments of Buffy, showing the writers knew it was silly, the characters knew it was silly, and they were going to have some fun with it. By contrast, Smallville had far too many soap moments where a character approaches Clark with the same-old "I've got a feeling you're hiding something from me" drama. Ooh, is important character number 3 going to discover Clark's secret? No, you dolt. Random expendable character number 8 might, but the importent characters are sadly left in the dark for far too long. Sure, they've each found out several times in various episodes, and each time have been struck with a ridiculously convenient (for the writers, that is) case of amnesia. Gosh, I just learned all of this earth-shattering information about my best friend, but, Oops!! There it goes again. He's just a normal farm boy, who happens to rescue everyone at the last moment, every single time that goes wrong. Huh.
So if I rag on the show so much, why do I watch it, and why do I have the first 5 seasons on DVD? Other than my TV-on-DVD compulsion, it's still a good show. Sure, the writing isn't always (or often) that sharp. Sure the conflicts can be silly. Sure the overall plot unfolds painfully slowly at times. (1/3 of the way through Season 6, and Lana still doesn't know a damn thing. When the hell are they going to pay this moment off? ) Sure, Tom Welling looks like he's getting anally penetrated on that ridiculous WB billboard on Fish Hatchery Road. Still...it's not a bad show.
For starters, it does have that "hero developing his powers and using them for good" element that I always enjoy seeing. Then it has Lex Luthor. Now, those of you who know the Superman story through comics or movies know they battle as adults, and you know that Lex is a Metropolis sophisticate, while Clark came from Hicksville. This show transports Lex into Hicksville, and they first become best friends. Now, that's a hell of a cool twist, I think, mostly because the writers made it relatively plausible. As interesting a character as Clark can be, I think exploring the development of Lex from spoiled rich kid into evil super genius is far more compelling. I love the warped-mentor/rival relationship between Lex and his cruel and brilliant father, Lionel. That's a good story.
The Clark/Lex friendship is also pretty interesting, though it suffers from the same "I know you're hiding something from me" revolving plotline as every other friendship Clark has in this show. Still, watching them go from mutual admiration and fraternity into distrust and hatred has been good television. Particularly because Michael Rosenbaum plays a damn good Lex.
Also, the show has gotten considerably stronger over the years. The addition of Lois has invigorated the show (to an extent, as she's been terribly underused so far), and this will only increase as her role in Clark's life expands. I suppose this show has been necessarily limited by the well-established canon of Superman mythology, so the over-arching plotlines have been constrained to the point of setting up what will happen later. Clark and Lex can't exactly have a fight to the death in this show, because, well, you get the idea.
Over the years, the conflicts have gotten bigger and better. Clark and Lana have fallen out, Clark and Lex are now on the verge of being enemies. Clark and Lois are each becoming involved in the world of journalism. Clark is facing off with alien forces from his father's past. And he's starting to become pulled towards being a hero on the grander scale. The stories no longer involve kryptonite-freaks from high school doing weird shit. The dialogue has gotten noticeably sharper. So....
Overall, it's not perfect. Far, far from it. But it's right up my alley, and has only gotten better over time. Like Clark, you know this show could soar at any moment. If only it could get its fat ass off the ground for good.....
Next in the series: Battlestar Galactica
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Veronica Mars
I was never a Nancy Drew fan. I prefer conflict over mystery as the driving function of a story. I like conflict on a universal, apocolyptic scale, and super powers, and, well, kung fu fighting. So how do I get roped into a story about a teenaged girl who solves mysteries? Well, at least partially because it's got a definite Buffy feel to it - - skinny, smart-mouthed blonde chick taking on the world, along with her outcast friends. It's got the same snarky, witty sense of humor, especially the titular character. (Witness one exchange from season 1 - Veronica in parking lot, attempting to change a flat tire. Potential boyfriend walks up and simply asks "Flat?" Without missing a beat, her reply: "Just the way God made me.") And it's very tightly woven, with Veronica solving one mystery each week, and putting together more and more clues toward solving a larger, season-long mystery. For example, season 1 finds her trying to solve who killed her best friend, season 2 investigating a major bus crash that killed several school kids, and season 3 investigating campus-wide serial rape problem at her university.
I'm not going to go too in-depth about this show, because as much as I enjoy it, it's not my favorite. Of course, this is probably because it's really not my type of show. Mostly, it's got good characters, smart writing, well-plotted stories, and snappy humor. And that's all I have to say about that.
Next in the series: Smallville
I'm not going to go too in-depth about this show, because as much as I enjoy it, it's not my favorite. Of course, this is probably because it's really not my type of show. Mostly, it's got good characters, smart writing, well-plotted stories, and snappy humor. And that's all I have to say about that.
Next in the series: Smallville
Three Cheers For Voter Fraud
Listen, pollsters, don't think for a second you're going to prevent me from exercising my rights as a cold-blooded American citizen to vote the losing side of a bunch of every referendum. I've got a driver's license, I've got a social security card, I've got an A8 China card. Not enough? Fine. You want proof of residence? No, I don't have any junk mail on me, but I do have this lovely machete with the blood of a transient who used to frequent my building. No good? Hmm.... you want a friend from my block who can verify their own residence to vouch for me? Unlikely, seeing as how my block is packed to the brim with fuckin' dirty-ass hippies, almost-homeless people, and assholes who scratch asinine shit on my elevator doors. And no way am I standing in a line for 30 minutes to find out I need to go grab a piece of mail, come back and stand in line for another 30 minutes, just to cast the decidedly unimportant vote. So thanks, random scruffy hippie number 1, for vouching for me and signing my sheet. You're a true American hero. Now take a shower and get a real job.
Anybody know if the referendum on requiring city officials to conduct a study before they put some sort of wiring in some place or another? I had money riding on that bitch.
Anybody know if the referendum on requiring city officials to conduct a study before they put some sort of wiring in some place or another? I had money riding on that bitch.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
That Entire Movie Just Happened
We interrupt this ongoing presentation of my favorite television shows past and present to bring you movie review the sixth:
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakstan
I'm sitting here with a blank page, trying to think of the words to adequately describe this movie. The phrase "Funniest movie ever made" is kicking around my head right now, but I can't quite commit it to print. True, I've seen several surprisingly hysterical movies this year (Thank You For Smoking, Talladega Nights, Beerfest), and Borat simply blew them all out of the water. I think back to other classic comedies (Office Space, Super Troopers, Dodgeball, Blues Brothers, Spaceballs, etc), and I'm quite sure I laughed harder and more often at this movie than possibly any other movie in history.
The problem is, I don't know that I can really compare it with other comedies. For one thing, and I didn't learn this until afterward, but apparently the vast majority of the movie was unscripted. Which means, when Borat makes his journey around the country and encounters random people, the atrociously prejudiced and intolerant things these people said were unscripted. As in, the people said these horrible things of their own volition, and the sentiments were rooted in their own beliefs. This is what separates Borat from probably its closest counterpart, Thank You For Smoking, in my opinion. Smoking was another mockumentary of sorts which presented terrible people saying uproariously terrible things, and presented a similarly brutal satire on its chosen subject. But those lines were scripted; Borat's lines were real. I'm still absolutely flabbergasted by this.
I mean, I once had an English paper to write about social class differences, where we were supposed to go somewhere with a different class and observe the people. I didn't feel like doing this, so I made up my entire "experience," complete with absolutely perfect quotations from people that clearly identified them as being of a lower social class. Afterwards, my professor expressed astonishment at the fact that those were real quotations, and how perfectly they fit the points I was trying to make. Yeah, that's 'cause they weren't. So when the prejudices expressed in Borat were so perfectly offensive and horrendous, I can't help but have the same feeling - - just too good to be true.
But accepting that for a moment, what else can I say about this film? How about the fact that it single-handledly created its own genre of film: the horror-comedy. I'm not talking satirical horror like Scream, horrible comedy like Freddy Got Fingered, or so-horrible-it's-funny like Judge Dredd. No, I mean the type of comedy that's so offensive, you have to cover your mouth in horror every time you laugh. You've witnessed moments like this in other mediums; the most appropriate comparison is South Park, both the tv episodes and the movie. Those moments where they say something so patently outrageous, so shockingly hysterical, that you have to cover your mouth and look at the person next to you to make sure you just heard that correctly. Well, damn near every joke in Borat is that type of joke, and they sure kept the jokes coming. No wonder Trey Parker and Matt Stone said it might be the funniest movie ever made -this is right up their alley. Mine as well, of course. That's the type of comedy I was going for with the MZRM sketch at Law Revue last year. God and censorship willing, that's the type we ought to bring back this year.
There were so many uproarious moments in this movie, I couldn't possibly recount them all. Now, I don't want to spoil anything for someone yet to see the movie, but I feel confidant that just reciting these points won't give anything away, because they truly must be seen to be believed. Here's my short list of greatest hits - - The Running of the Jew. The bear and the kids. Shopping for the Hummer. The bag of shit. "The blood of every man, woman, and child in Iraq...." Sacking Pamela. The successful use of the "not" joke at the end. Bob Barr and the cheese. The best defense against Jews. Retard. There are just too many to possibly count.
Lest we not forget the full-frontal male nudity. If all of the other jokes didn't make you squirm, the uncomfortability factor shoots through the roof right about now. Especially when it spills out into public. Although averting the eyes is absolutely necessary, I laughed my ass off during this entire scene.
And mad props to Sasha Baron Cohen for having possibly the biggest comic cajones in recorded history. I thought Colbert had brass ones for standing in front of the President at the Correspondent's Dinner and subtly ripping him a new one; that's brave in its own right, 'cause I was worried he might get a bag thrown over his head and get carted off to Guantanamo, never to be heard from again. But the places Cohen went - the ghetto, the rodeo, the Pamela incident -- how he didn't wind up in jail or dead is beyond me. Absolutely fearless.
Funniest movie ever made? If not, certainly a contender.
My score: A+
Recommendation: GO SEE THIS MOVIE IMMEDIATELY.
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakstan
I'm sitting here with a blank page, trying to think of the words to adequately describe this movie. The phrase "Funniest movie ever made" is kicking around my head right now, but I can't quite commit it to print. True, I've seen several surprisingly hysterical movies this year (Thank You For Smoking, Talladega Nights, Beerfest), and Borat simply blew them all out of the water. I think back to other classic comedies (Office Space, Super Troopers, Dodgeball, Blues Brothers, Spaceballs, etc), and I'm quite sure I laughed harder and more often at this movie than possibly any other movie in history.
The problem is, I don't know that I can really compare it with other comedies. For one thing, and I didn't learn this until afterward, but apparently the vast majority of the movie was unscripted. Which means, when Borat makes his journey around the country and encounters random people, the atrociously prejudiced and intolerant things these people said were unscripted. As in, the people said these horrible things of their own volition, and the sentiments were rooted in their own beliefs. This is what separates Borat from probably its closest counterpart, Thank You For Smoking, in my opinion. Smoking was another mockumentary of sorts which presented terrible people saying uproariously terrible things, and presented a similarly brutal satire on its chosen subject. But those lines were scripted; Borat's lines were real. I'm still absolutely flabbergasted by this.
I mean, I once had an English paper to write about social class differences, where we were supposed to go somewhere with a different class and observe the people. I didn't feel like doing this, so I made up my entire "experience," complete with absolutely perfect quotations from people that clearly identified them as being of a lower social class. Afterwards, my professor expressed astonishment at the fact that those were real quotations, and how perfectly they fit the points I was trying to make. Yeah, that's 'cause they weren't. So when the prejudices expressed in Borat were so perfectly offensive and horrendous, I can't help but have the same feeling - - just too good to be true.
But accepting that for a moment, what else can I say about this film? How about the fact that it single-handledly created its own genre of film: the horror-comedy. I'm not talking satirical horror like Scream, horrible comedy like Freddy Got Fingered, or so-horrible-it's-funny like Judge Dredd. No, I mean the type of comedy that's so offensive, you have to cover your mouth in horror every time you laugh. You've witnessed moments like this in other mediums; the most appropriate comparison is South Park, both the tv episodes and the movie. Those moments where they say something so patently outrageous, so shockingly hysterical, that you have to cover your mouth and look at the person next to you to make sure you just heard that correctly. Well, damn near every joke in Borat is that type of joke, and they sure kept the jokes coming. No wonder Trey Parker and Matt Stone said it might be the funniest movie ever made -this is right up their alley. Mine as well, of course. That's the type of comedy I was going for with the MZRM sketch at Law Revue last year. God and censorship willing, that's the type we ought to bring back this year.
There were so many uproarious moments in this movie, I couldn't possibly recount them all. Now, I don't want to spoil anything for someone yet to see the movie, but I feel confidant that just reciting these points won't give anything away, because they truly must be seen to be believed. Here's my short list of greatest hits - - The Running of the Jew. The bear and the kids. Shopping for the Hummer. The bag of shit. "The blood of every man, woman, and child in Iraq...." Sacking Pamela. The successful use of the "not" joke at the end. Bob Barr and the cheese. The best defense against Jews. Retard. There are just too many to possibly count.
Lest we not forget the full-frontal male nudity. If all of the other jokes didn't make you squirm, the uncomfortability factor shoots through the roof right about now. Especially when it spills out into public. Although averting the eyes is absolutely necessary, I laughed my ass off during this entire scene.
And mad props to Sasha Baron Cohen for having possibly the biggest comic cajones in recorded history. I thought Colbert had brass ones for standing in front of the President at the Correspondent's Dinner and subtly ripping him a new one; that's brave in its own right, 'cause I was worried he might get a bag thrown over his head and get carted off to Guantanamo, never to be heard from again. But the places Cohen went - the ghetto, the rodeo, the Pamela incident -- how he didn't wind up in jail or dead is beyond me. Absolutely fearless.
Funniest movie ever made? If not, certainly a contender.
My score: A+
Recommendation: GO SEE THIS MOVIE IMMEDIATELY.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Alias
I tend to feel that the entire reason for the creation of Alias was to put Jennifer Garner in as many skimpy outfits as possible, then make her blow shit up to sate the writers' hot chicks and explosives fantasies. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Still, at its best, Alias was an adrenaline rush of espionage, double-crossing, ass-kicking, hot chicks, and well-crafted family drama.
This is another one I caught on late; the only season I watched live was its last, Season 5, which ended in May. After the end of Buffy and Angel, and between waiting for the next set of West Wing DVDs to come out, I wanted more tv in my life. So I gave Alias a shot. The first season hooked me immediately; it was like one massive spy movie stretched over a full season. Unlike most shows, single episodes didn't present one conflict and resolve it at the end, then present a new conflict the next episode; this created a new conflict halfway through each episode, and left it at a cliffhanger point between the next one. A dirty trick, to be sure, but effective at compelling me to watch the next, and the next, and the next.
The series sagged a bit in Season 3, season 4 was hit or miss (and changed the format to the traditional episodic mode, for better or worse), and season 5 started poorly, then went on hiatus for months, then got shortened, then came back with a vengeance and went out with a bang. But the first two seasons were incredibly good. The basic premise was Sydney was recruited by the CIA as part of a black ops team thwarting international terrorists. Then, after she told her fiancee about her job, he ended up killed. Turns out she was working for a terrorist organization posing as the CIA, and her father was one of her supervisors. Then she became a double-agent for the real CIA, and found out her father was also a double agent. (Plausible, no?) This provided plenty of high-octane action and suspense, and Jennifer Garner was a great lead, but what kept me hooked was the family conflicts and endless secrets. Garner's Sydney Bristow was a bad-ass spy, but her father, Jack (played by Victor Garber), was my favorite character - - an absolutely ruthless, secretive bastard who would do anything to protect his daughter.
Then there's Sloane, Sydney's old boss who pretends to be a CIA figure, and manipulates everyone who works for him into thinking they're protecting the country, when really they're the ones facilitating the terrorist cells. (this is pre-9/11, so most of them are not Arabic - good old Ruskies, Chinamen, and the like.) Sydney has to pretend to work for him. And oh yeah, he had her fiancee killed. Still, he's a sympathetic character, which makes the conflict all the more compelling. Then there's Sydney's mother...let's not even go there.
Yeah, at times the show became ridiculous. It ventured into sci-fi, which I didn't mind, except that it had every single terrorist plot on earth tied to some 500 year old prophet. That got annoying. But if you looked past that, and took quite a bit on faith (like the fact that they seemed able to criss-cross the globe in 30 minute plane rides to get to places in the nick of time), it's good clean fun.
- This is the last of the shows no longer on the air, everything after this will be current -
Next in the series: Veronica Mars
This is another one I caught on late; the only season I watched live was its last, Season 5, which ended in May. After the end of Buffy and Angel, and between waiting for the next set of West Wing DVDs to come out, I wanted more tv in my life. So I gave Alias a shot. The first season hooked me immediately; it was like one massive spy movie stretched over a full season. Unlike most shows, single episodes didn't present one conflict and resolve it at the end, then present a new conflict the next episode; this created a new conflict halfway through each episode, and left it at a cliffhanger point between the next one. A dirty trick, to be sure, but effective at compelling me to watch the next, and the next, and the next.
The series sagged a bit in Season 3, season 4 was hit or miss (and changed the format to the traditional episodic mode, for better or worse), and season 5 started poorly, then went on hiatus for months, then got shortened, then came back with a vengeance and went out with a bang. But the first two seasons were incredibly good. The basic premise was Sydney was recruited by the CIA as part of a black ops team thwarting international terrorists. Then, after she told her fiancee about her job, he ended up killed. Turns out she was working for a terrorist organization posing as the CIA, and her father was one of her supervisors. Then she became a double-agent for the real CIA, and found out her father was also a double agent. (Plausible, no?) This provided plenty of high-octane action and suspense, and Jennifer Garner was a great lead, but what kept me hooked was the family conflicts and endless secrets. Garner's Sydney Bristow was a bad-ass spy, but her father, Jack (played by Victor Garber), was my favorite character - - an absolutely ruthless, secretive bastard who would do anything to protect his daughter.
Then there's Sloane, Sydney's old boss who pretends to be a CIA figure, and manipulates everyone who works for him into thinking they're protecting the country, when really they're the ones facilitating the terrorist cells. (this is pre-9/11, so most of them are not Arabic - good old Ruskies, Chinamen, and the like.) Sydney has to pretend to work for him. And oh yeah, he had her fiancee killed. Still, he's a sympathetic character, which makes the conflict all the more compelling. Then there's Sydney's mother...let's not even go there.
Yeah, at times the show became ridiculous. It ventured into sci-fi, which I didn't mind, except that it had every single terrorist plot on earth tied to some 500 year old prophet. That got annoying. But if you looked past that, and took quite a bit on faith (like the fact that they seemed able to criss-cross the globe in 30 minute plane rides to get to places in the nick of time), it's good clean fun.
- This is the last of the shows no longer on the air, everything after this will be current -
Next in the series: Veronica Mars
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Firefly
Let me put this out there: I didn't watch Firefly during its limited run on the air, and I'm absolutely glad I didn't. If I had, I would have had the unfortunate experience of watching another intelligent, exciting, thought-provoking, and endlessly entertaining television series mistreated and cancelled by FOX. When it first aired, FOX didn't know how to plug this show - was it a western? Another sci-fi space show? Comedy? Action? Character drama? In reality, Firefly was all of the above and more. The two-hour pilot episode is a sprawling mini-movie which introduces the characters and all of the major conflicts that will arise in the series. FOX decided it didn't have enough action, and decided to skip this and air the second episode first. (Which, by the way, wtf?? The pilot was easily more exciting) Then, after like 9 episodes aired, FOX finally decided to air the pilot. They didn't promote the show very well, ratings were low, and FOX cancelled it after episode 11. Tough luck.
Remarkably, this wasn't the end of the show. The shows producers created DVD set of the full series, with the episodes in order, plus three unaired episodes. DVD sales took off. Suddenly people who had never heard of it while on air were purchasing the show and discovering what they had missed, myself included. The cult popularity of this show flourished so much that a full-length feature film was made called Serenity, one of my all time favorites.
When I first heard about it, I chose not to watch it. Sure, it was penned by Joss Whedon, who created two of my other favorite shows. But I already had a full slate of shows I watched. More importantly, the show was set in space. In general, I've never been a big fan of space in tv or movies. I never even watched the Star Wars series in full until Spring Break of my 1L year. So why my space aversion? I guess what I like most in sci-fi is extraordinary occurrances arising from ordinary times. I prefer stories set in the modern day, like Buffy/Angel, Heroes, or the Matrix, because when the supernatural starts happening, it's completely unexpected and exciting. (Sure, the Matrix was actually set in the future, but the parts inside the Matrix were not, and that was what I enjoyed the most.) This is why I generally prefer superhero stories like Spiderman or Batman to fantasy stories like Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter, because in fantasy series, having special powers or seeing monstrous creatures is pretty much the rule rather than the exception. Space is kind of the same thing, because usually our technology is so advanced, and alien creatures run rampant. I really don't like aliens. (Dirty alients trying to take my jab...) Space is a whole different world, with an entirely different set of rules. Basically, I prefer this world and its rules, and watching people break those rules.
Firefly was different. For one thing, no aliens. Sure there were messed up canniballistic creatures called Reavers who massacred and ate people, but even they used to be men. All of the villains and quasi-villains of the piece were human in some form. All the evil in this universe comes from human nature and our own dark impulses. I find that far more compelling than some evil alien race. Because then things are no longer so black and white, and there are real issues to explore. Plus, despite being set in space, Firefly's future was neither the hyper-advanced future of Star Trek, nor the post-apocolyptic hellhole of the Matrix's real world (or, say, Waterworld.) Here, some of the planets are clean and advanced, while others are backward and barren. Hence the juxtaposition of space and Western -the premise is that the controlling government has civilized the core planets, but things on the rim are still a lot like the frontier. Lasers exist, but only the rich can afford them. I found this a more appealing setting for a space drama.
More importantly, the show was pretty awesome. You've got a group of rogues and criminals on a transport ship moving from planet to planet, pulling any job (legal or illegal) to keep themselves afloat, while avoiding the authoritarian Alliance government whenever possible. Whedon blessed this show with his signature wit and multifaceted, compelling characters. Plus, the show explores a major theme: Freedom. Mal and his crew live on a space ship, always on the run, trying to escape the ever-extending arms of the Alliance and its attempts to "civilize" the whole universe, i.e. make them live under its rules. Ultimately, the Alliance is not evil. They are basically a force of good, trying to make things better. But they attempt to accomplish this by taking away freedom and choice. This especially comes out in the movie, where we find out the horrible truth about Alliance meddling and its attempts to make people better.
Unfortunately, since the show was cancelled and the movie had a disappointing box office turnout, we may never see another resurrection of the franchise. Comic books are already in the works, but the prospect of seeing the show on screen may never happen again. That is really a tragedy, because while the movie provided some degree of closure, there were so many stories left to tell. The awful secret the Alliance was keeping was finally exposed, but the Alliance is still there, still in power, and now on the defensive. Another threat, the mysterious Blue Sun corporation, was never developed, except for some subtle hints. And Reavers are still out there, and are a danger to everyone. I would like nothing better than to watch this show for several more seasons and finally see Mal and co. lead a popular uprising against the Alliance, but sadly, that is not going to happen.
Oh well. It's a hell of a ride while it lasts.
Next in the series: Alias
Remarkably, this wasn't the end of the show. The shows producers created DVD set of the full series, with the episodes in order, plus three unaired episodes. DVD sales took off. Suddenly people who had never heard of it while on air were purchasing the show and discovering what they had missed, myself included. The cult popularity of this show flourished so much that a full-length feature film was made called Serenity, one of my all time favorites.
When I first heard about it, I chose not to watch it. Sure, it was penned by Joss Whedon, who created two of my other favorite shows. But I already had a full slate of shows I watched. More importantly, the show was set in space. In general, I've never been a big fan of space in tv or movies. I never even watched the Star Wars series in full until Spring Break of my 1L year. So why my space aversion? I guess what I like most in sci-fi is extraordinary occurrances arising from ordinary times. I prefer stories set in the modern day, like Buffy/Angel, Heroes, or the Matrix, because when the supernatural starts happening, it's completely unexpected and exciting. (Sure, the Matrix was actually set in the future, but the parts inside the Matrix were not, and that was what I enjoyed the most.) This is why I generally prefer superhero stories like Spiderman or Batman to fantasy stories like Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter, because in fantasy series, having special powers or seeing monstrous creatures is pretty much the rule rather than the exception. Space is kind of the same thing, because usually our technology is so advanced, and alien creatures run rampant. I really don't like aliens. (Dirty alients trying to take my jab...) Space is a whole different world, with an entirely different set of rules. Basically, I prefer this world and its rules, and watching people break those rules.
Firefly was different. For one thing, no aliens. Sure there were messed up canniballistic creatures called Reavers who massacred and ate people, but even they used to be men. All of the villains and quasi-villains of the piece were human in some form. All the evil in this universe comes from human nature and our own dark impulses. I find that far more compelling than some evil alien race. Because then things are no longer so black and white, and there are real issues to explore. Plus, despite being set in space, Firefly's future was neither the hyper-advanced future of Star Trek, nor the post-apocolyptic hellhole of the Matrix's real world (or, say, Waterworld.) Here, some of the planets are clean and advanced, while others are backward and barren. Hence the juxtaposition of space and Western -the premise is that the controlling government has civilized the core planets, but things on the rim are still a lot like the frontier. Lasers exist, but only the rich can afford them. I found this a more appealing setting for a space drama.
More importantly, the show was pretty awesome. You've got a group of rogues and criminals on a transport ship moving from planet to planet, pulling any job (legal or illegal) to keep themselves afloat, while avoiding the authoritarian Alliance government whenever possible. Whedon blessed this show with his signature wit and multifaceted, compelling characters. Plus, the show explores a major theme: Freedom. Mal and his crew live on a space ship, always on the run, trying to escape the ever-extending arms of the Alliance and its attempts to "civilize" the whole universe, i.e. make them live under its rules. Ultimately, the Alliance is not evil. They are basically a force of good, trying to make things better. But they attempt to accomplish this by taking away freedom and choice. This especially comes out in the movie, where we find out the horrible truth about Alliance meddling and its attempts to make people better.
Unfortunately, since the show was cancelled and the movie had a disappointing box office turnout, we may never see another resurrection of the franchise. Comic books are already in the works, but the prospect of seeing the show on screen may never happen again. That is really a tragedy, because while the movie provided some degree of closure, there were so many stories left to tell. The awful secret the Alliance was keeping was finally exposed, but the Alliance is still there, still in power, and now on the defensive. Another threat, the mysterious Blue Sun corporation, was never developed, except for some subtle hints. And Reavers are still out there, and are a danger to everyone. I would like nothing better than to watch this show for several more seasons and finally see Mal and co. lead a popular uprising against the Alliance, but sadly, that is not going to happen.
Oh well. It's a hell of a ride while it lasts.
Next in the series: Alias
Monday, October 30, 2006
The West Wing
"I am the Lord your God. Thou shalt worship no other God before me."
How about that for a memorable opening line? This is the first time we see President Jebediah "Jed" Bartlett on The West Wing - - imposing, erudite, every bit the president. Of course, we also found out that he had, earlier in the week, ridden his bicycle into a tree, and was now walking with a cane. This was the spirit of the show - tackling the big issues, showing public service at its finest, while undercutting the characters and plots with a whimsical sense of humor. When Aaron Sorkin ran the show, the dialogue absolutely popped, with characters rushing headlong down the building's endless corridors, trading policy talk and witticisms at a breathtaking rate. If you looked away for a second, you missed something important. Zone out for a bit, and you have no idea what's going on. Sometimes even when you pay attention and understand what is generally happening, you still don't know what they're talking about. Even then, you get the feeling that it's something tremendously important, and the characters are doing everything they can to fix it. Even the dullest of political subjects seemed exhilarating.
Alas, I never actually watched the show while it was on the air. I caught on late, and decided to catch myself up by watching all of the seasons on DVD before actually watching a new episode, because I would just be lost, or I would have missed something really worthwhile. So at this point, I have seen the first 6 seasons, and am eagerly looking forward to next Tuesday, when the 7th and final season comes out on DVD. I am told that the final season was terrible; perhaps it will be. But I have to know how it ends. I want to see every moment of it, because every moment on this show is the potential for greatness. Seasons 5 and 6 (the post-Sorkin era) have also been widely-panned for lacking that kinetic spark of Sorkin's dialogue, and for having become too dramatized and soapish. While I agree that these seasons didn't match the overall quality of the first four, and generally had more episodes that weren't top-notch, they still packed quite a punch, and were still better shows than 95% of everything on the air. I had lowered expectations going in for both of them, and came away pleasantly surprised. So I'm more than willing to see Season 7 through to the potentially bitter end.
To me, The West Wing was truly something special. For someone who has always loved politics, this is the pinnacle of what politics could be to me. This is what public service should be about - - people who really care about making the lives of others better, and who aren't out for personal gain. People who believe in American democracy, people who strive to achieve the ideal, even knowing they will probably fall far short. Here we had a president who was a brilliant mind, regardless of his politics. Here we had real patriots who exercised power for the purpose of creating progress. For anyone wondering why I jump from cult shows about killing demons like Buffy to sharp political dramas like the West Wing, there's the connection - - power. Whether physical, supernatural, or political, the possession, usage, and limits of power have always fascinated me.
But the West Wing did more than just deliver a political fix; it actually changed my political views. I started watching in the spring of 2004; in the fall of 2003, I was still a Republican. I had never given much thought to particular issues, but my grandfather, a 20-yr veteran of the Wisconsin state legislature, was a dyed-in-the-wool conservative, and he helped cultivate my interest in politics. But between taking a Modern American History class that fall and watching this show, my views changed in a hurry. The history class made me take a more critical look at the post-WWII era and the issues it spawned; the West Wing made me reexamine my personal feelings about those issues. For example, in senior year of high school I wrote a paper stating my stance on the death penalty. I didn't really have one at the time, and ended up supporting the death penalty because I took a look at an ACLU list of reasons why to abolish it, and found myself countering every point they made. But after watching the episode "Take This Sabbath Day" in the first season, I had to reexamine that, and pretty quickly resolved that I couldn't endorse state-sponsored killing. I hadn't been brainwashed by the show's blatantly liberal bias (which it surely had), I just found myself agreeing with a more compelling argument. That was neither the first nor the last time the West Wing would change my mind.
I know that real politics is not even remotely like this show. I know that the people involved are self-interested, even those who honestly attempt to serve the public. I know not everyone involved is as smart or persuasive, as elegant or as wise as these characters. I know I'm sure as hell not. And the demands of reality have pretty much convinced me I'll never actually become a politician, nor even attempt to. But the glimmer of hope I have, not just of becoming one, but of why I'd want to become one - - this show is what kept that glimmer alive, and will continue to. And though I'll probably never end up a politician, I still hope to become a public servant in some form or another. To me, this show will forever set the standard.
Next in the series: Firefly
How about that for a memorable opening line? This is the first time we see President Jebediah "Jed" Bartlett on The West Wing - - imposing, erudite, every bit the president. Of course, we also found out that he had, earlier in the week, ridden his bicycle into a tree, and was now walking with a cane. This was the spirit of the show - tackling the big issues, showing public service at its finest, while undercutting the characters and plots with a whimsical sense of humor. When Aaron Sorkin ran the show, the dialogue absolutely popped, with characters rushing headlong down the building's endless corridors, trading policy talk and witticisms at a breathtaking rate. If you looked away for a second, you missed something important. Zone out for a bit, and you have no idea what's going on. Sometimes even when you pay attention and understand what is generally happening, you still don't know what they're talking about. Even then, you get the feeling that it's something tremendously important, and the characters are doing everything they can to fix it. Even the dullest of political subjects seemed exhilarating.
Alas, I never actually watched the show while it was on the air. I caught on late, and decided to catch myself up by watching all of the seasons on DVD before actually watching a new episode, because I would just be lost, or I would have missed something really worthwhile. So at this point, I have seen the first 6 seasons, and am eagerly looking forward to next Tuesday, when the 7th and final season comes out on DVD. I am told that the final season was terrible; perhaps it will be. But I have to know how it ends. I want to see every moment of it, because every moment on this show is the potential for greatness. Seasons 5 and 6 (the post-Sorkin era) have also been widely-panned for lacking that kinetic spark of Sorkin's dialogue, and for having become too dramatized and soapish. While I agree that these seasons didn't match the overall quality of the first four, and generally had more episodes that weren't top-notch, they still packed quite a punch, and were still better shows than 95% of everything on the air. I had lowered expectations going in for both of them, and came away pleasantly surprised. So I'm more than willing to see Season 7 through to the potentially bitter end.
To me, The West Wing was truly something special. For someone who has always loved politics, this is the pinnacle of what politics could be to me. This is what public service should be about - - people who really care about making the lives of others better, and who aren't out for personal gain. People who believe in American democracy, people who strive to achieve the ideal, even knowing they will probably fall far short. Here we had a president who was a brilliant mind, regardless of his politics. Here we had real patriots who exercised power for the purpose of creating progress. For anyone wondering why I jump from cult shows about killing demons like Buffy to sharp political dramas like the West Wing, there's the connection - - power. Whether physical, supernatural, or political, the possession, usage, and limits of power have always fascinated me.
But the West Wing did more than just deliver a political fix; it actually changed my political views. I started watching in the spring of 2004; in the fall of 2003, I was still a Republican. I had never given much thought to particular issues, but my grandfather, a 20-yr veteran of the Wisconsin state legislature, was a dyed-in-the-wool conservative, and he helped cultivate my interest in politics. But between taking a Modern American History class that fall and watching this show, my views changed in a hurry. The history class made me take a more critical look at the post-WWII era and the issues it spawned; the West Wing made me reexamine my personal feelings about those issues. For example, in senior year of high school I wrote a paper stating my stance on the death penalty. I didn't really have one at the time, and ended up supporting the death penalty because I took a look at an ACLU list of reasons why to abolish it, and found myself countering every point they made. But after watching the episode "Take This Sabbath Day" in the first season, I had to reexamine that, and pretty quickly resolved that I couldn't endorse state-sponsored killing. I hadn't been brainwashed by the show's blatantly liberal bias (which it surely had), I just found myself agreeing with a more compelling argument. That was neither the first nor the last time the West Wing would change my mind.
I know that real politics is not even remotely like this show. I know that the people involved are self-interested, even those who honestly attempt to serve the public. I know not everyone involved is as smart or persuasive, as elegant or as wise as these characters. I know I'm sure as hell not. And the demands of reality have pretty much convinced me I'll never actually become a politician, nor even attempt to. But the glimmer of hope I have, not just of becoming one, but of why I'd want to become one - - this show is what kept that glimmer alive, and will continue to. And though I'll probably never end up a politician, I still hope to become a public servant in some form or another. To me, this show will forever set the standard.
Next in the series: Firefly
Friday, October 27, 2006
Buffy the Vampire Slayer; Angel, the Series
If you've ever been to my apartment, you know that I have a large collection of TV series on DVD; if you ever take a closer look, you'll notice that 12 of these dvd sets constitute the complete collection of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (7 seasons), as well as its spin-off show, Angel (5 seasons). These were the first ones I ever got on dvd, and the ones I've spent the most time watching. I've seen every episode of each series several times. So the big question - - Why these shows?
First, I'll admit, the concept sounds pretty silly. A 90-lb blonde chick from California with superpowers who fights vampires. Superchick falls in love with occasionally evil, 240 year old vampire, who then heads to LA to get his own show, and battles an evil law firm.
Just by the title itself, many brush Buffy and its counterpart off as stupid teenage fluff with monsters. But the reason these shows are so good, the reason they developed cult followings and lasted for so long, the reason they achieved so much critical acclaim - - the writer, Joss Whedon. Whedon takes far-fetched, fantastical things like demons, vampires, witches, werewolves, and zombies and turns them into metaphorical representations of the evils we face in every day life. He uses fantasy to explore the truths of reality, and thats what hooks me.
I started watching Buffy at its 4th season; I read a TV guide once that explained the show and told all about its past three seasons, and that a spinoff (Angel) was starting that year as well. The premise of Buffy is simple: High school is hell, literally. The local high school sits atop the mouth of hell. You know how every problem that comes up in high school seems like life and death to a teenager? For Buffy, everything IS life and death. And all of the problems in high school manifest themselves in a supernatural form. A girl that no one notices turns invisible, and starts terrorizing the people that ignored her. The group of mean kids that delight in tormenting people get possessed by a demonic spirit, and really start tearing people apart. Buffy meets an older, mysterious boyfriend with a troubled past; turns out he's a centuries old vampire with a soul, who used to be the most sadistic, vicious killer in the world. A girl who wishes everything were different actually gets to live out that wish in an alternate reality, and finds out everything would be much, much worse.
As the chosen one, Buffy has to deal with every mess that comes up, while keeping her secret identity from her mom. She becomes an outcast at school, because she's always involved in the weird and supernatural. Thus she meets a couple of other outcasts, and they help her fight. Sometimes the fight takes on apocolyptic proportions; other times its simply a matter of growing up. The character development is fantastic; Whedon gives his characters real depth - strengths, weaknesses, awkwardness, success, and failure. And it has real consequences. Whedon's not afraid to kill off his characters for the good of the story. He'll just as soon wrench your heart out and stamp on it before giving you what you want to see. His motto was always to give the viewer what they need, not what they want. And it was never just as simple as kill demons, good over evil. The show explored all of the moral quandries that came with adolescence, as well as the possession and usage of power. And it made for some damn compelling television.
Even more than that, the shows were hilarious, and featured plenty of ass-kicking (especially in the later seasons, when they had a bigger budget. And especially on Angel.) Whedon imbued his characters with his subversive sense of humor, with characters tossing off witty, sarcastic comments at all times, especially in the face of impending death. Then, yes, the fighting. Buffy had super strength, as did the vampires and demons she faced. Other crew members developed powers as well, and at times, there were some full-scale beatdowns. And boy do I like me some kung fu fighting.
So what about Angel? After a painful relapse as psycho-killer (here vampirism serves as a metaphor for substance abuse), Angel skips town and opens a detective agency. Huh? Well, that was mostly a front so he could hunt down evil and try to earn redemption for all the horrible things he did. A couple familiar faces join him, and soon he finds himself in a world of trouble. A mega-powerful law firm apparently controls the city, and represents the vast majority of the world's evil. (something we can identify with, no?) This show really explores the themes of power, corruption, and coming to terms with your past.
As a more adult show than Buffy, I actually enjoyed it more overall. For one thing, plenty more fighting. It was still funny, though not as funny as Buffy because it had a darker tone. But it had the same strengths -- representing real world evil through supernatural creatures, backed by deep characters who developed so much through five seasons.
Ultimately, this show got cut off by the network at its peak; season 5 ended with what's left of the hero core (some had just gotten killed) facing a massive battle which they probably wouldn't survive. Whedon intended the show to go on longer, but it was not to be (Fuckin' WB network).
So the end served as a metaphor - - the good fight never ends. People who stand up and take action against evil and corruption will spend their entire lives in battle. And to this, Whedon's characters live and die by the immortal words of Carl Johnson: "Fuck it. I'm down."
Next in the series: The West Wing
First, I'll admit, the concept sounds pretty silly. A 90-lb blonde chick from California with superpowers who fights vampires. Superchick falls in love with occasionally evil, 240 year old vampire, who then heads to LA to get his own show, and battles an evil law firm.
Just by the title itself, many brush Buffy and its counterpart off as stupid teenage fluff with monsters. But the reason these shows are so good, the reason they developed cult followings and lasted for so long, the reason they achieved so much critical acclaim - - the writer, Joss Whedon. Whedon takes far-fetched, fantastical things like demons, vampires, witches, werewolves, and zombies and turns them into metaphorical representations of the evils we face in every day life. He uses fantasy to explore the truths of reality, and thats what hooks me.
I started watching Buffy at its 4th season; I read a TV guide once that explained the show and told all about its past three seasons, and that a spinoff (Angel) was starting that year as well. The premise of Buffy is simple: High school is hell, literally. The local high school sits atop the mouth of hell. You know how every problem that comes up in high school seems like life and death to a teenager? For Buffy, everything IS life and death. And all of the problems in high school manifest themselves in a supernatural form. A girl that no one notices turns invisible, and starts terrorizing the people that ignored her. The group of mean kids that delight in tormenting people get possessed by a demonic spirit, and really start tearing people apart. Buffy meets an older, mysterious boyfriend with a troubled past; turns out he's a centuries old vampire with a soul, who used to be the most sadistic, vicious killer in the world. A girl who wishes everything were different actually gets to live out that wish in an alternate reality, and finds out everything would be much, much worse.
As the chosen one, Buffy has to deal with every mess that comes up, while keeping her secret identity from her mom. She becomes an outcast at school, because she's always involved in the weird and supernatural. Thus she meets a couple of other outcasts, and they help her fight. Sometimes the fight takes on apocolyptic proportions; other times its simply a matter of growing up. The character development is fantastic; Whedon gives his characters real depth - strengths, weaknesses, awkwardness, success, and failure. And it has real consequences. Whedon's not afraid to kill off his characters for the good of the story. He'll just as soon wrench your heart out and stamp on it before giving you what you want to see. His motto was always to give the viewer what they need, not what they want. And it was never just as simple as kill demons, good over evil. The show explored all of the moral quandries that came with adolescence, as well as the possession and usage of power. And it made for some damn compelling television.
Even more than that, the shows were hilarious, and featured plenty of ass-kicking (especially in the later seasons, when they had a bigger budget. And especially on Angel.) Whedon imbued his characters with his subversive sense of humor, with characters tossing off witty, sarcastic comments at all times, especially in the face of impending death. Then, yes, the fighting. Buffy had super strength, as did the vampires and demons she faced. Other crew members developed powers as well, and at times, there were some full-scale beatdowns. And boy do I like me some kung fu fighting.
So what about Angel? After a painful relapse as psycho-killer (here vampirism serves as a metaphor for substance abuse), Angel skips town and opens a detective agency. Huh? Well, that was mostly a front so he could hunt down evil and try to earn redemption for all the horrible things he did. A couple familiar faces join him, and soon he finds himself in a world of trouble. A mega-powerful law firm apparently controls the city, and represents the vast majority of the world's evil. (something we can identify with, no?) This show really explores the themes of power, corruption, and coming to terms with your past.
As a more adult show than Buffy, I actually enjoyed it more overall. For one thing, plenty more fighting. It was still funny, though not as funny as Buffy because it had a darker tone. But it had the same strengths -- representing real world evil through supernatural creatures, backed by deep characters who developed so much through five seasons.
Ultimately, this show got cut off by the network at its peak; season 5 ended with what's left of the hero core (some had just gotten killed) facing a massive battle which they probably wouldn't survive. Whedon intended the show to go on longer, but it was not to be (Fuckin' WB network).
So the end served as a metaphor - - the good fight never ends. People who stand up and take action against evil and corruption will spend their entire lives in battle. And to this, Whedon's characters live and die by the immortal words of Carl Johnson: "Fuck it. I'm down."
Next in the series: The West Wing
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Saturday Night Live
My review of television shows past and present will focus on hour-long shows, rather than sitcoms, cartoons, or others. But first I should give a shout-out to the show that sparked my interest in television, acting, and comedy forever -- Saturday Night Live. I started watching when I was about 10, and watched every Saturday night for probably 6 years or more. What first got me was the political impressions. I've been interested in politics my whole life, and interested in making fun of politics for nearly as long. I walked around spouting off Dana Carvey's catchphrases for George HW Bush and Ross Perot to all my family members back in 1992. That was the time when Farley, Sandler, Spade, Hartman, and (ugh) Schneider dominated the show. Then they moved on, and the show tanked for awhile.
I still watched. It was the coolest thing I'd ever seen. A show like that can make fun of anything, tell any story it wants. Sometimes it was cutting edge, and sometimes it was terrible. But when there's a good sketch, a really good, sharp sketch, that will stay with you for years. And then get made into a terrible, terrible movie. Or, it could spawn the Blues Brothers, still one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. Or the Blues Brothers 2000. Let's not go there.
Anyway, about 1996, the show hit another high period, with the additions of Will Ferrell, Darrell Hammond, and Molly Shannon (although, personally I found all of her popular recurring characters painfully annoying). Suddenly the show was cool again, and there were so many sketches I enjoyed. I had a friend named Adam who felt the same way, and each day at school we'd be doing our favorite impressions, spouting off lines about Bill Brasky, and inadvertently slipping into Harry Caray voices and shaking our heads in attacks of Parkinson's disease.
Then one day I had a English project where one option was to make a video related thematically to a book we read. A couple other friends who were in that class also enjoyed SNL, and we came up with an idea to do a video like an SNL sketch with Harry Caray. I got to play Harry. Now, looking back, my impression was terrible in that sketch. But the whole class loved it. That video got shown to other classes, and I had people all over telling me how funny it was. This was huge for me, since I was generally pretty quiet in school, and now people I rarely spoke to and barely knew were telling me how funny they thought the sketch was.
Around this time Adam and I decided we wanted to make some other sketches. The more we talked about it, the more and more we wanted to do. Our other friends were interested, and pretty soon we had a full show's worth of sketches, plus Weekend Update, fake musical guests, the whole nine yards. Eventually we got it organized and started taping. It was AWESOME. We didn't get much accomplished at first because we kept making ourselves laugh, and we could never complete the sketches. Still, it was one of the most exhilarating things I've ever done.
Suddenly I wasn't just some teenage kid from rural Wisconsin; I WAS Bill Clinton. I WAS Sean Connery. I WAS a Brasky guy, a Roxbury guy, and the host of Weekend Update. I WAS Vanilla Ice, and Ross Perot, and Matt Foley, motivational speaker. I got to be a Blues Brother - - I got to dance and lip synch to "Sweet Home Chicago." Beyond that, I was a writer, and a producer, and an actor. And soon I was known throughout the school for more than just the guy that was going to be president someday.
Of course, reality set in eventually, and we didn't have so much free time anymore. People got jobs, people got busy. It took us all four years of high school to put together a final tape. And then we hit it big. First, we had made a debate between Bush and Gore, where I got to play Gore, and take on a ludicrous Tennessee accent. That got played for our World Affairs and Senior Social Studies classes, until our teacher started figuring out some of the sexual innuendoes. (eg Cheney made a cameo to inform everyone that there's no better combination than "Dick" and "Bush.") Shortly afterward, the full tape got out. By then we were in our last semester, and classes didn't matter much. So any class that had a cast member in it with some down time decided to pop in the tape.
By then, the actual show had gown downhill again, and I didn't really watch anymore, but it didn't matter. It created a monster. In my second year of undergrad, a bunch of us got together again over vacation, and decided to pop the tape in for old time's sake. Someone suggested afterward that we make more shows. That's all it took for me. I was banging out script after script for the next couple of months. And there was that feeling again - - I WAS Sean Connery and Harry Caray and Chris Matthews and Donald Rumsfeld and Christopher Walken (!!) all over again.
On top of the new show, I wrote a script for a Matrix parody. I got to be friggin' Neo. We staged fight scenes. We had fake stunts. We had Uzi's. We had futuristic techno. We had trench coats and Agents and a sweet-ass "your mom" joke. The thing turned out to be 14 minutes long, and we used it as a fake movie preview. Hella tight.
I had to push that show through by sheer will, because by that time we were even more scattered, and even more involved with other projects (ie "real life"). But eventually we finished, and it was, in my opinion, even better than the first. And once again, we had an incredibly good time making it.
Hence my love for Law Revue. It gives me a chance to express some creativity, live vicariously through characters, talk about "alleged vaginas," and, as in MZRM, say some incredibly sexist, racist, and straight-up bad-assist things in front of a large crowd of, well, douchebags. And I get to be Cliff Thompson. How sweet is that?
So here's to you, SNL. The show that carried me through my formative years, and made me love television so much I wanted to make my own. That was the big thing for me - - with the actual show, I watched it, I appreciated the humor, and I laughed, and I enjoyed myself immensely. But making one myself -- I got to give back. I got to make others laugh, and make others enjoy themselves. That's one of the most rewarding feelings I've ever encountered. And now, on to Law Revue '07...
Next in the series: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel
I still watched. It was the coolest thing I'd ever seen. A show like that can make fun of anything, tell any story it wants. Sometimes it was cutting edge, and sometimes it was terrible. But when there's a good sketch, a really good, sharp sketch, that will stay with you for years. And then get made into a terrible, terrible movie. Or, it could spawn the Blues Brothers, still one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. Or the Blues Brothers 2000. Let's not go there.
Anyway, about 1996, the show hit another high period, with the additions of Will Ferrell, Darrell Hammond, and Molly Shannon (although, personally I found all of her popular recurring characters painfully annoying). Suddenly the show was cool again, and there were so many sketches I enjoyed. I had a friend named Adam who felt the same way, and each day at school we'd be doing our favorite impressions, spouting off lines about Bill Brasky, and inadvertently slipping into Harry Caray voices and shaking our heads in attacks of Parkinson's disease.
Then one day I had a English project where one option was to make a video related thematically to a book we read. A couple other friends who were in that class also enjoyed SNL, and we came up with an idea to do a video like an SNL sketch with Harry Caray. I got to play Harry. Now, looking back, my impression was terrible in that sketch. But the whole class loved it. That video got shown to other classes, and I had people all over telling me how funny it was. This was huge for me, since I was generally pretty quiet in school, and now people I rarely spoke to and barely knew were telling me how funny they thought the sketch was.
Around this time Adam and I decided we wanted to make some other sketches. The more we talked about it, the more and more we wanted to do. Our other friends were interested, and pretty soon we had a full show's worth of sketches, plus Weekend Update, fake musical guests, the whole nine yards. Eventually we got it organized and started taping. It was AWESOME. We didn't get much accomplished at first because we kept making ourselves laugh, and we could never complete the sketches. Still, it was one of the most exhilarating things I've ever done.
Suddenly I wasn't just some teenage kid from rural Wisconsin; I WAS Bill Clinton. I WAS Sean Connery. I WAS a Brasky guy, a Roxbury guy, and the host of Weekend Update. I WAS Vanilla Ice, and Ross Perot, and Matt Foley, motivational speaker. I got to be a Blues Brother - - I got to dance and lip synch to "Sweet Home Chicago." Beyond that, I was a writer, and a producer, and an actor. And soon I was known throughout the school for more than just the guy that was going to be president someday.
Of course, reality set in eventually, and we didn't have so much free time anymore. People got jobs, people got busy. It took us all four years of high school to put together a final tape. And then we hit it big. First, we had made a debate between Bush and Gore, where I got to play Gore, and take on a ludicrous Tennessee accent. That got played for our World Affairs and Senior Social Studies classes, until our teacher started figuring out some of the sexual innuendoes. (eg Cheney made a cameo to inform everyone that there's no better combination than "Dick" and "Bush.") Shortly afterward, the full tape got out. By then we were in our last semester, and classes didn't matter much. So any class that had a cast member in it with some down time decided to pop in the tape.
By then, the actual show had gown downhill again, and I didn't really watch anymore, but it didn't matter. It created a monster. In my second year of undergrad, a bunch of us got together again over vacation, and decided to pop the tape in for old time's sake. Someone suggested afterward that we make more shows. That's all it took for me. I was banging out script after script for the next couple of months. And there was that feeling again - - I WAS Sean Connery and Harry Caray and Chris Matthews and Donald Rumsfeld and Christopher Walken (!!) all over again.
On top of the new show, I wrote a script for a Matrix parody. I got to be friggin' Neo. We staged fight scenes. We had fake stunts. We had Uzi's. We had futuristic techno. We had trench coats and Agents and a sweet-ass "your mom" joke. The thing turned out to be 14 minutes long, and we used it as a fake movie preview. Hella tight.
I had to push that show through by sheer will, because by that time we were even more scattered, and even more involved with other projects (ie "real life"). But eventually we finished, and it was, in my opinion, even better than the first. And once again, we had an incredibly good time making it.
Hence my love for Law Revue. It gives me a chance to express some creativity, live vicariously through characters, talk about "alleged vaginas," and, as in MZRM, say some incredibly sexist, racist, and straight-up bad-assist things in front of a large crowd of, well, douchebags. And I get to be Cliff Thompson. How sweet is that?
So here's to you, SNL. The show that carried me through my formative years, and made me love television so much I wanted to make my own. That was the big thing for me - - with the actual show, I watched it, I appreciated the humor, and I laughed, and I enjoyed myself immensely. But making one myself -- I got to give back. I got to make others laugh, and make others enjoy themselves. That's one of the most rewarding feelings I've ever encountered. And now, on to Law Revue '07...
Next in the series: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Stay Tuned
So I'm a complete television junkie. I get hooked on a show, I watch it religiously. I buy the DVD sets, and watch it again. Then I find another show, and repeat the process. I always used to have a few shows on that I watched constantly; now I have 6. Two are new, replacing two that just ended last season. Television has become such an inexorable part of my life that I mark my calendar (theoretically, since I'm not organized enough to have a real calendar) by what TV show is on each day, and by what DVD set is coming out each week. I've gotten so into it at times that I've even read virtual TV shows, and spent a large portion of time writing a virtual series of my own, as well as writing, producing, and acting in an amateur TV show in high school and undergrad. As I've said before, if I had the chance to ditch law completely and write for a tv show, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I love it that much.
Possibly even more than movies, and anyone that knows me knows I love movies. So why TV? Because it allows for so much more development. Compare a 2 hour movie to a standard 22 episode season, with each episode around 45 minutes long -- somewhere in the neighborhood of 17 hours. You can really connect with a character a lot more in television than movies, because you get so much more time watching them, in so many different situations. Plus, a good series can change the tone of every episode. Each individual episode can emphasize drama, action, or comedy. And each can still advance a long-term story arc. They're like the chapters of a book -- each one is meaningful in its own right, yet each is a building block which leads to the final payoff, the big conclusion - - the reason why the writer created this book or season in the first place. Each season has the same importance to the series as a whole, just like each book.
Of course, TV has its downsides too - the incredibly long time commitment it takes to watch, and it takes longer to get the payoff moments. Individual episodes can vary dramatically in quality. And, of course, you've got commercials. Pain in the ass.
However, the bottom line for me is that with a good television show, a well-written one with excitement and humor and well-drawn characters and deep storylines, you get to spend a lot more time in a fictional universe that you really enjoy. It's like a really good book or movie that never ends; you can pick it up and keep going and keep going.
The point of all this? I pretty much want to write about TV. So over the next week or so, this blog is going to be dedicated to my television addiction, and present a rundown of all the shows I've watched, all the ones I watch now, and why. So there.
Possibly even more than movies, and anyone that knows me knows I love movies. So why TV? Because it allows for so much more development. Compare a 2 hour movie to a standard 22 episode season, with each episode around 45 minutes long -- somewhere in the neighborhood of 17 hours. You can really connect with a character a lot more in television than movies, because you get so much more time watching them, in so many different situations. Plus, a good series can change the tone of every episode. Each individual episode can emphasize drama, action, or comedy. And each can still advance a long-term story arc. They're like the chapters of a book -- each one is meaningful in its own right, yet each is a building block which leads to the final payoff, the big conclusion - - the reason why the writer created this book or season in the first place. Each season has the same importance to the series as a whole, just like each book.
Of course, TV has its downsides too - the incredibly long time commitment it takes to watch, and it takes longer to get the payoff moments. Individual episodes can vary dramatically in quality. And, of course, you've got commercials. Pain in the ass.
However, the bottom line for me is that with a good television show, a well-written one with excitement and humor and well-drawn characters and deep storylines, you get to spend a lot more time in a fictional universe that you really enjoy. It's like a really good book or movie that never ends; you can pick it up and keep going and keep going.
The point of all this? I pretty much want to write about TV. So over the next week or so, this blog is going to be dedicated to my television addiction, and present a rundown of all the shows I've watched, all the ones I watch now, and why. So there.
Monday, October 23, 2006
The Greatest Collection of Crap in All the Land
As an extended part of Kristin's birthday celebration, we went to the House on the Rock on Saturday. Whether you have been there before or not, it is definitely worth seeing. The house is pretty pimptastic, what with all the surfaces (and even some rocks) carpeted. It has an Infinity Room, basically just a giant phallic room that extends outward over a forest. There's a little glass area where you can look down and see how far you are about the trees. Unnerving for some, but old hat for those of us who worked tactical skydiving missions in 'Nam. Still cool though. Especially when you realize there is nothing holding it up at the end, and it shakes pretty badly, and you could die at any moment.
But then you get to the crap collections. Now, these are still pretty sweet, at least judging purely on volume. But then shit gets creepy. For instance, dollhouses. I had been there a couple times before, and I had looked at all this stuff, but I never really took in the fact that the guy has roughly 3.8 billion dollhouses in his collection. KHays pointed this out for me, which I hadn't really considered - - the guy who assembled all of this must have been bat-shit crazy. It's like "Hey, look at all these dollhouses." Then you turn a corner, and you've got another hallway of dollhouses. Then, another corner, another hallway filled with dollhouses. Pretty soon you start to think the dollhouses will end, but you move into another theme-crap collection, and hey look - - it's another dollhouse, just randomly placed. Sure enough, we make it through to the final room, and at the very end, there's a frickin dollhouse apparently floating in mid-air.
I don't want you to get the wrong impression - it's not just dollhouses. Specifically, the guy has roughly the same amount of wooden horses. We're walking through a vast room filled with actual dolls, and look at the walls -- wooden horses lined up one on top of another, twenty rows high, fifty rows deep. Walk along the walk way, turn around, look at another wall, and you see the exact same thing. Then you enter a room with a giant carousel. Turn around, horses everywhere. Holy balls are there wooden horses.
Okay, so these are collectible items. Maybe it's wierd, but maybe the guy is just obsessive compulsive about getting every dollhouse and wooden horse in existence. He's got collections of absolutely ricockulous crap that no one in their right mind would ever build, much less collect. There's one room filled with gigantic mechanical crap; a walkway winds around and winds around, and you start to take in the sheer magnitude of what's there. These are not collectors items. It's not like you buy yourself a 25 foot tall windchime, and then another, and they just start piling up. There's a cannon in there which would fire a cannonball roughly the size of a hot air balloon. Okay, so in battle, that would be sweet. I can't imagine it was ever functional. Then you've got a hundred-foot tall mechanical gear contraption which, apparently, is used to run a small clock. Then, more flippin' dollhouses.
Again, the place is incredible. There's a gigantic whale, a collection of armor, guns, swords, reproduced crowns, old elixirs, tapeworms in jars, the biggest carousel ever, and an ice cream shop. Absolutely worth seeing if you've got 3-4 hours free one afternoon. But still...god damn...
But then you get to the crap collections. Now, these are still pretty sweet, at least judging purely on volume. But then shit gets creepy. For instance, dollhouses. I had been there a couple times before, and I had looked at all this stuff, but I never really took in the fact that the guy has roughly 3.8 billion dollhouses in his collection. KHays pointed this out for me, which I hadn't really considered - - the guy who assembled all of this must have been bat-shit crazy. It's like "Hey, look at all these dollhouses." Then you turn a corner, and you've got another hallway of dollhouses. Then, another corner, another hallway filled with dollhouses. Pretty soon you start to think the dollhouses will end, but you move into another theme-crap collection, and hey look - - it's another dollhouse, just randomly placed. Sure enough, we make it through to the final room, and at the very end, there's a frickin dollhouse apparently floating in mid-air.
I don't want you to get the wrong impression - it's not just dollhouses. Specifically, the guy has roughly the same amount of wooden horses. We're walking through a vast room filled with actual dolls, and look at the walls -- wooden horses lined up one on top of another, twenty rows high, fifty rows deep. Walk along the walk way, turn around, look at another wall, and you see the exact same thing. Then you enter a room with a giant carousel. Turn around, horses everywhere. Holy balls are there wooden horses.
Okay, so these are collectible items. Maybe it's wierd, but maybe the guy is just obsessive compulsive about getting every dollhouse and wooden horse in existence. He's got collections of absolutely ricockulous crap that no one in their right mind would ever build, much less collect. There's one room filled with gigantic mechanical crap; a walkway winds around and winds around, and you start to take in the sheer magnitude of what's there. These are not collectors items. It's not like you buy yourself a 25 foot tall windchime, and then another, and they just start piling up. There's a cannon in there which would fire a cannonball roughly the size of a hot air balloon. Okay, so in battle, that would be sweet. I can't imagine it was ever functional. Then you've got a hundred-foot tall mechanical gear contraption which, apparently, is used to run a small clock. Then, more flippin' dollhouses.
Again, the place is incredible. There's a gigantic whale, a collection of armor, guns, swords, reproduced crowns, old elixirs, tapeworms in jars, the biggest carousel ever, and an ice cream shop. Absolutely worth seeing if you've got 3-4 hours free one afternoon. But still...god damn...
Friday, October 20, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Onward and Upward?
Let's take a moment to marvel at the breathtakingly progressive changes happening here at the UW. First we had our ultra-efficient new transcript system, which proved to be neither 1) efficient, 2) beneficial, or 3) functional. Now the U-dub sends me an email saying I need to change my NetID password, because the old passwords are not secure. So I change it. The result? I can no longer access my email.
So at this rate, next week we should be switching from our apparently steam tunnel related heating system to a cutting-edge solar panel energy system, just in time for winter. This way we no longer have to suffer through those 50* temps, and can look forward to each classroom being set at a balmy 18*.
So at this rate, next week we should be switching from our apparently steam tunnel related heating system to a cutting-edge solar panel energy system, just in time for winter. This way we no longer have to suffer through those 50* temps, and can look forward to each classroom being set at a balmy 18*.
Monday, October 16, 2006
One More Year
Thanks to everyone who came along to Devil's Lake to celebrate my birthday yesterday, and those who would have been there if not for an avalanche of work. I had a great time, and I hope you all did too.
Turning 24 is not the biggest deal in itself, except that it means I am one year away from being able to run for Congress. One year away from storming Washington, advocating a bold policy of concealed-machete laws, a movement toward developing giant lasers in space that can shoot hippies from light-years away, and a dramatic increase in hovercraft production.
All of which puts me only two years away from resigning in disgrace, retiring to a hut somewhere in the mountains, where I can be that bat-shit crazy old coot who used to be somebody important, and now just shoots at people who get too close to his possum traps.
Oh, the achingly sluggish passage of time.
Turning 24 is not the biggest deal in itself, except that it means I am one year away from being able to run for Congress. One year away from storming Washington, advocating a bold policy of concealed-machete laws, a movement toward developing giant lasers in space that can shoot hippies from light-years away, and a dramatic increase in hovercraft production.
All of which puts me only two years away from resigning in disgrace, retiring to a hut somewhere in the mountains, where I can be that bat-shit crazy old coot who used to be somebody important, and now just shoots at people who get too close to his possum traps.
Oh, the achingly sluggish passage of time.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
How Morally Turpitudinous Are You?
I decided to stick around for Criminal Litigation today, and truthfully, I’m glad I did. That’s because in discussing immigration, we got a crash course on what offenses constitute moral turpitude. Why? This is the standard used in evaluating whether immigrants should be convicted for committing crimes. I have to say, I was a bit surprised by what the courts say involves moral turpitude and what does not. Thus the inspiration for a new challenge - -
How Morally Turpitudinous Are You?
Are you a deviant, incorrigible person with loose morals? Are you a rebel who will never be any good? Do you think you have what it takes to be morally turpitudinous?
Put yourself to the challenge. The following is a list of laws. Some of these laws involve moral turpitude, while others are just posers, according to American courts. Look over this list, decide which of these you have broken recently, and decide which you think are morally turp'd out. Then find out whether you are indeed morally turpitudinous, or just wish you were.
1. Aggravated Stalking
2. Loan-sharking
3. Bastardy
4. Possession of Stolen Bus Transports
5. Intent to Ravish
6. Fornication
7. Possession of a Sawed-Off Shotgun
8. Possession of Burglary Tools
9. Obtaining a Pell Grant by Fraud
10. Lewdness
11. Malicious Mischief
12. Smuggling Aliens
13. Altering a False Document
14. Homicide by Reckless Conduct
15. Purchase of Food Stamps for Cash
16. Mayhem
17. Failure to Support Wife and Child
18. Loitering in a Public Place to Solicit Men
19. Atrocious Assault and Battery
20. Vagrancy
Answers:
1. Aggravated Stalking - Turpitudinous! - This means stop checking your ex-boyfriend's emails, bitches.
2. Loan-sharking - Non-turpitudinous! - I think anything involving sharks out to be at least a little turpish, but I'll defer to the courts.
3. Bastardy - Non-turpitudinous! - Again, I question the wisdom on this. I think being a bastard is pretty damn turpitudinous. But all you bastards out there, keep it up - you're legally in the clear.
4. Possession of Stolen Bus Transports - Turpitudinous! - That's right - put those stolen bus transports down, you derelicts, lest we kick your ass back to Australia.
5. Intent to Ravish - Turpitudinous! - Yeah, this is unfortunate. I like to ravish just as much as the next red-blooded American, but courts frown upon this. Oh well.
6. Fornication - Non-turpitudinous! - Well, at least down and dirty doin' it is okay. Just don't do it with too much enthusiasm, because you're in ravishing territory, buster.
7. Possession of a Sawed-Off Shotgun - Non-turpitudinous! - Hell yeah! 2nd Amendment lives on, even for dirty, dirty immigrants.
8. Possession of Burglary Tools - Non-turpitudinous! -That's a relief. My breaking and entering days are still well ahead of me.
9. Obtaining a Pell Grant by Fraud - Turpitudinous! - The moral here - you take our money, we boot your ass. I can't agree more.
10. Lewdness - Turpitudinous! - Good. Fratney's getting booted. Hopefully she won't enjoy it.
11. Malicious Mischief - Non-turpitudinous! - Another relief here. I love to get my mischief on, and I rarely mess with people I don't hate.
12. Smuggling Aliens - Non-turpitudinous! - So if you see anything with a giant green head, ten or more appendages, and a laser gun, you have full authorization to stuff that sucker in the trunk and go joy riding.
13. Altering a False Document - Turpitudinous! - Even though the document is already incorrect, you better not mess with it.
14. Homicide by Reckless Conduct - Non-turpitudinous! - Well I'll be damned. Smash someone to the death with a vehicle, sure, but you better not steal anybody's bus transports, or you're gone.
15. Purchase of Food Stamps for Cash - Turpitudinous! - Food stamps are for queers.
16. Mayhem - Turpitudinous! - Unfortunate. I love mayhem.
17. Failure to Support Wife and Child - Non-turpitudinous! - That's a big "fuck you" to all my baby's mommas, and all my babies still waiting for those checks. Keep checking that mail box, suckers!!
18. Loitering in a Public Place to Solicit Men - Turpitudinous! - That's right, Andy. The INS is onto you.
19. Atrocious Assault and Battery - Turpitudinous! - Hmm...I'm wondering what the word "atrocious" applies to. The character of the act, or the quality of the act. Like if you're beating someone up, but you're barely making an impact, I'd consider that atrocious.
20. Vagrancy - Non-turpitudinous! - This is flat out outrageous. Bunch of damn hippie-ass justices on this one, apparently. Oh well.
So there you have it. And now, to interpret your results:
Personal Turpitude
0-4 laws violated - Ain't got no turp in you, dog
5-10 laws violated - Wannabe
11-15 laws violated - On your way to a nice career in turpitudity
16-18 laws violated - You've got serious turpitude skizzies
19-20 laws violated - Turp'd to the fullest
Knowledge of Turpitude
0-4 correct - You don't know nothin' but no turp'n
5-10 correct - Only vaguely familiar with the art of turp
11-15 correct - You've seen some turpitude in your day
16-18 correct - You know your turpitudiousityism
19-20 correct - You wrote the book on turpitude, yo
!!
How Morally Turpitudinous Are You?
Are you a deviant, incorrigible person with loose morals? Are you a rebel who will never be any good? Do you think you have what it takes to be morally turpitudinous?
Put yourself to the challenge. The following is a list of laws. Some of these laws involve moral turpitude, while others are just posers, according to American courts. Look over this list, decide which of these you have broken recently, and decide which you think are morally turp'd out. Then find out whether you are indeed morally turpitudinous, or just wish you were.
1. Aggravated Stalking
2. Loan-sharking
3. Bastardy
4. Possession of Stolen Bus Transports
5. Intent to Ravish
6. Fornication
7. Possession of a Sawed-Off Shotgun
8. Possession of Burglary Tools
9. Obtaining a Pell Grant by Fraud
10. Lewdness
11. Malicious Mischief
12. Smuggling Aliens
13. Altering a False Document
14. Homicide by Reckless Conduct
15. Purchase of Food Stamps for Cash
16. Mayhem
17. Failure to Support Wife and Child
18. Loitering in a Public Place to Solicit Men
19. Atrocious Assault and Battery
20. Vagrancy
Answers:
1. Aggravated Stalking - Turpitudinous! - This means stop checking your ex-boyfriend's emails, bitches.
2. Loan-sharking - Non-turpitudinous! - I think anything involving sharks out to be at least a little turpish, but I'll defer to the courts.
3. Bastardy - Non-turpitudinous! - Again, I question the wisdom on this. I think being a bastard is pretty damn turpitudinous. But all you bastards out there, keep it up - you're legally in the clear.
4. Possession of Stolen Bus Transports - Turpitudinous! - That's right - put those stolen bus transports down, you derelicts, lest we kick your ass back to Australia.
5. Intent to Ravish - Turpitudinous! - Yeah, this is unfortunate. I like to ravish just as much as the next red-blooded American, but courts frown upon this. Oh well.
6. Fornication - Non-turpitudinous! - Well, at least down and dirty doin' it is okay. Just don't do it with too much enthusiasm, because you're in ravishing territory, buster.
7. Possession of a Sawed-Off Shotgun - Non-turpitudinous! - Hell yeah! 2nd Amendment lives on, even for dirty, dirty immigrants.
8. Possession of Burglary Tools - Non-turpitudinous! -That's a relief. My breaking and entering days are still well ahead of me.
9. Obtaining a Pell Grant by Fraud - Turpitudinous! - The moral here - you take our money, we boot your ass. I can't agree more.
10. Lewdness - Turpitudinous! - Good. Fratney's getting booted. Hopefully she won't enjoy it.
11. Malicious Mischief - Non-turpitudinous! - Another relief here. I love to get my mischief on, and I rarely mess with people I don't hate.
12. Smuggling Aliens - Non-turpitudinous! - So if you see anything with a giant green head, ten or more appendages, and a laser gun, you have full authorization to stuff that sucker in the trunk and go joy riding.
13. Altering a False Document - Turpitudinous! - Even though the document is already incorrect, you better not mess with it.
14. Homicide by Reckless Conduct - Non-turpitudinous! - Well I'll be damned. Smash someone to the death with a vehicle, sure, but you better not steal anybody's bus transports, or you're gone.
15. Purchase of Food Stamps for Cash - Turpitudinous! - Food stamps are for queers.
16. Mayhem - Turpitudinous! - Unfortunate. I love mayhem.
17. Failure to Support Wife and Child - Non-turpitudinous! - That's a big "fuck you" to all my baby's mommas, and all my babies still waiting for those checks. Keep checking that mail box, suckers!!
18. Loitering in a Public Place to Solicit Men - Turpitudinous! - That's right, Andy. The INS is onto you.
19. Atrocious Assault and Battery - Turpitudinous! - Hmm...I'm wondering what the word "atrocious" applies to. The character of the act, or the quality of the act. Like if you're beating someone up, but you're barely making an impact, I'd consider that atrocious.
20. Vagrancy - Non-turpitudinous! - This is flat out outrageous. Bunch of damn hippie-ass justices on this one, apparently. Oh well.
So there you have it. And now, to interpret your results:
Personal Turpitude
0-4 laws violated - Ain't got no turp in you, dog
5-10 laws violated - Wannabe
11-15 laws violated - On your way to a nice career in turpitudity
16-18 laws violated - You've got serious turpitude skizzies
19-20 laws violated - Turp'd to the fullest
Knowledge of Turpitude
0-4 correct - You don't know nothin' but no turp'n
5-10 correct - Only vaguely familiar with the art of turp
11-15 correct - You've seen some turpitude in your day
16-18 correct - You know your turpitudiousityism
19-20 correct - You wrote the book on turpitude, yo
!!
Resolved: More Skipping Class
Sitting in my Ethical Issues in Prosecution class right now. Today we've got a speaker. Some guy talking about ethics and integrity, how the rule of law is our religion in America, and some shit. Next I've got my Criminal Litigation class, where (for some ungodly reason) we've got two people coming in to talk about immigration issues. Nothing in the class description mentioned we'd be dealing with this. We don't have any assignments; just some hypothetical to read and be able to discuss. If I ever face an immigration issue in practice, there's just one line I need to know - "They tuk er jaabs!" Is class attendance graded? Hell if I know. Think I might just immigrate my ass back to my apartment and watch television, make up stories involving decapitating zombies, do something productive.
Oh look, dude's got some diagrams on the board. It's a circle formed by two curved lines representing me and my profession. They go round and round. What's it mean, buddy? I affect my job, my job affects me. Right. Pardon me while I pack up my shit and leave the room.
Fact is, I've only skipped one class this fall. I missed another one, but that time I had a legitimate class-related excuse. Clearly, I've been lax in my skipping duties. I hate falling so far behind this early in the semester.
Fuck it. Ho Chunk.
Oh look, dude's got some diagrams on the board. It's a circle formed by two curved lines representing me and my profession. They go round and round. What's it mean, buddy? I affect my job, my job affects me. Right. Pardon me while I pack up my shit and leave the room.
Fact is, I've only skipped one class this fall. I missed another one, but that time I had a legitimate class-related excuse. Clearly, I've been lax in my skipping duties. I hate falling so far behind this early in the semester.
Fuck it. Ho Chunk.
Monday, October 09, 2006
A Bunch of Tree-Hugging Hippie Crap
After working in a prosecutor's office this summer and getting a hands-on experience in criminal law, I decided that this was the field I absolutely wanted to practice in. I found that I really enjoyed the work - - I liked working with people, whether prosecutors, defense attornies, defendants, or judges. I liked the issues I was dealing with - - basic legal issues on regulating behavior. And sure, I liked sitting in court looking fly all day.
But then I come back to school for another year before I can go out and practice. Before this year I was taking mostly general law classes, and now I'm pretty much in all criminal classes. Now that I know what I'm going to do and I'm taking classes relevant to my field, I tend to enjoy classes more now. At first, this all seemed a little surprising, becase after I had the basic criminal classes my 1L year, I had no interest in criminal practice.
After five weeks of classes, I remember exactly why that is - - Hippies. Hippies love criminals. Hippies hate police, and assume that all police actions are unjust and motivated by some sort of bias. (This is understandable, of course, because hippies don't want their pot stash confiscated.) Hippies don't think police should even be able to approach people and ask basic questions without a warrant. Hippies like to discuss their feelings. Hippies believe every contact with the law should be subjective, based upon what they feel the law should be. Hippies think the best punishment for criminals is to place them in 15 minute time-outs in well-lit corners where they can sit and weave hemp baskets, and when they've finished their sentence, they all get lollipops to atone for our cruel but necessary corrective measures.
So here we are, five weeks into the new semester, and the hippies are out in full force. Particularly in my 4th, 5th, and 6th Amendment class. The 4th amendment protections against unreasonable searches and seizures doesn't apply unless the officer has technically stopped the person. Right now we've got an objective standard for what constitutes a stop, but the hippies think it should be subjective. They think it should depend on each person's experiences with the police, and if they personally felt like they were stopped. So really, the law should vary based on how each person feels about it. Fuckin' gag me.
Today we talked about pretextual stops, and whether the officer's motivation should matter. Courts say it generally doesn't, and therefore it is very difficult to challenge a cop's motives. So for example, if a cop suspects someone's a drug dealer and sees them break some minor law, they can make a valid stop of this person based on that minor violation, and investigate them further to find out if the guy's a drug dealer.
Okay, so this is a question worth debating. Personally, I think there are plenty of times where pretextual stops are perfectly valid, but I acknowledge that they can also be subject to abuse where officers are just going after minorities. So there are arguments on the other side. But rather than reasonable arguments against an officer abusing discretion, we get a discussion about people being "inside the circle of oppression," and analogies to Nazi Germany. (My personal favorite -- some bullshit about "systematic systems.") We get people who think we should always be able to challenge an officer's motivation, regardless of the thousands of groundless suits that would be brought, because no one is actually guilty of anything - - the cop always stops us for some other unjust reason.
Oh yeah, and cops shouldn't be able to choose certain areas of a city and step up their enforcement in those areas if the area is populated predominantly by minorities. Even if those areas are statistically the high-crime areas. Why? Because the minority residents of the area don't like having to deal with cops, and they shouldn't be subject to police harassment. Forget about the people who live there who are too afraid to step outside for fear of getting shot. Forget the fact that the police could actually make these districts safer, or, at the very least, make the people feel safer simply from their presence.
Let's just cut to the bottom line then -- cops shouldn't be allowed to even look at a black person. Unless they get robbed by a white person and want to file a complaint.
At least there are a few reasonable people in there this time. My 1L Crim Pro class with Prosser was a full-on-flower-power-free-love-"give-crime-a-chance" fest. Even the fucking exam was a three hour opinion poll about our feelings. I could swear the exam was printed on hemp paper.
Two things that give me hope:
1) Most of these people will never practice criminal law.
2) In practice, the criminal justice system doesn't give a good goddamn about anyone's feelings.
But then I come back to school for another year before I can go out and practice. Before this year I was taking mostly general law classes, and now I'm pretty much in all criminal classes. Now that I know what I'm going to do and I'm taking classes relevant to my field, I tend to enjoy classes more now. At first, this all seemed a little surprising, becase after I had the basic criminal classes my 1L year, I had no interest in criminal practice.
After five weeks of classes, I remember exactly why that is - - Hippies. Hippies love criminals. Hippies hate police, and assume that all police actions are unjust and motivated by some sort of bias. (This is understandable, of course, because hippies don't want their pot stash confiscated.) Hippies don't think police should even be able to approach people and ask basic questions without a warrant. Hippies like to discuss their feelings. Hippies believe every contact with the law should be subjective, based upon what they feel the law should be. Hippies think the best punishment for criminals is to place them in 15 minute time-outs in well-lit corners where they can sit and weave hemp baskets, and when they've finished their sentence, they all get lollipops to atone for our cruel but necessary corrective measures.
So here we are, five weeks into the new semester, and the hippies are out in full force. Particularly in my 4th, 5th, and 6th Amendment class. The 4th amendment protections against unreasonable searches and seizures doesn't apply unless the officer has technically stopped the person. Right now we've got an objective standard for what constitutes a stop, but the hippies think it should be subjective. They think it should depend on each person's experiences with the police, and if they personally felt like they were stopped. So really, the law should vary based on how each person feels about it. Fuckin' gag me.
Today we talked about pretextual stops, and whether the officer's motivation should matter. Courts say it generally doesn't, and therefore it is very difficult to challenge a cop's motives. So for example, if a cop suspects someone's a drug dealer and sees them break some minor law, they can make a valid stop of this person based on that minor violation, and investigate them further to find out if the guy's a drug dealer.
Okay, so this is a question worth debating. Personally, I think there are plenty of times where pretextual stops are perfectly valid, but I acknowledge that they can also be subject to abuse where officers are just going after minorities. So there are arguments on the other side. But rather than reasonable arguments against an officer abusing discretion, we get a discussion about people being "inside the circle of oppression," and analogies to Nazi Germany. (My personal favorite -- some bullshit about "systematic systems.") We get people who think we should always be able to challenge an officer's motivation, regardless of the thousands of groundless suits that would be brought, because no one is actually guilty of anything - - the cop always stops us for some other unjust reason.
Oh yeah, and cops shouldn't be able to choose certain areas of a city and step up their enforcement in those areas if the area is populated predominantly by minorities. Even if those areas are statistically the high-crime areas. Why? Because the minority residents of the area don't like having to deal with cops, and they shouldn't be subject to police harassment. Forget about the people who live there who are too afraid to step outside for fear of getting shot. Forget the fact that the police could actually make these districts safer, or, at the very least, make the people feel safer simply from their presence.
Let's just cut to the bottom line then -- cops shouldn't be allowed to even look at a black person. Unless they get robbed by a white person and want to file a complaint.
At least there are a few reasonable people in there this time. My 1L Crim Pro class with Prosser was a full-on-flower-power-free-love-"give-crime-a-chance" fest. Even the fucking exam was a three hour opinion poll about our feelings. I could swear the exam was printed on hemp paper.
Two things that give me hope:
1) Most of these people will never practice criminal law.
2) In practice, the criminal justice system doesn't give a good goddamn about anyone's feelings.
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