Question

So what do you do when you know your client is the victim, but everyone involved in the incident, including the five people that jumped her, the "friend" that set up the encounter, the neighbors who saw it happening and opted to steal from her purse rather than stop the fight, and the cops who came in at the last second and only saw her fighting back, will say that she was the one who committed a crime?

High Tech

Apparently my RAZR's got powers beyond anything mentioned in the sales pitch, specifically the ability to call people of its own accord. Yesterday I went to pick up my girl after she was done with work, and I left my phone at home. As I was pulling in, she was on the phone checking a missed call. The missed call had come from me, only moments before. When I got home, I checked my phone -- true indeed, my phone placed a call to hers that lasted 1:41 long. It usually takes about 3-5 minutes to get from my apartment to her work, depending on traffic, and last night was no different. Therefore, it appears that, after I left the apartment, my phone decided to call hers. My only conclusion can be that my phone is trying to hit on my girl behind my back.

The other thing is, now every time I set my phone down for a bit, I have to check it again to make sure it's not making calls in my absence. So if anyone tries calling me in the near future and my phone seems to be turned off at an unusually early hour, assume its because I don't want my phone to stay up making calls all night.

An American Hero

CNN talk show host Glenn Beck ought to get an award for his show last night. Commenting on the steam pipe explosion that occurred this week in New York City, Beck first chided the witnesses, most of whom panicked when it happened. Then he suggested this shows a greater problem, that we are all completely unprepared for the next terrorist attack. Then he and a couple of guys discussed how to be prepared for such an attack.

If I may be so bold, on behalf of the citizens of New York, I say thank you, Glenn Beck. Where would we be without people like you? By "people like you," I of course mean "fat, rich television pundits who sit behind their cushy news desks hurling criticism down the mountain at people who actually experience these events first hand." Thank you, Mr. Beck, for pointing out exactly who among us is letting the terrorists win.

First of all, some massive explosion occurs in the middle of Lexington Avenue in downtown Manhattan, and the first thing people do is panic? What the hell is the matter with them? Are these people so easily frightened that all it takes to upset them is a massive explosion? Do they think they're doing a service to anyone by running for their lives and ensuring their own safety? What cowards. If Glenn Beck had been standing there that day and a steam geyser shot up higher than the 77 story Chrysler Building, creating a deafening roar as it rained soot and chunks of concrete down on bystanders, and putting a giant crater in the middle of the street, you know he would have stood firm and looked to rescue other people.

Second, this just goes to show that when you don't spend every minute of every day waiting for a terrorist attack to occur, the minute one actually does, you're probably screwed. The next big attack could come at any moment; it could kill hundreds, thousands even. It could happen anywhere, by any means, from anyone. And if that isn't enough to make you afraid, and if you don't spend every day living in fear, then clearly, you may as well be a terrorist yourself. For shame, America. For shame.

Finally, everyone should go out an get themselves a "Go Pack" for when the next strike happens. Sure, go out and get a backpack, and fill it with a flashlight, a first-aid kit, some rope, some basic food supplies, a blanket, and you'll be the most prepared citizen in case of an attack. That way, if you're standing on the street and a building next to you explodes, surrounding you in a firestorm complete with shattered glass, ruptured concrete, and twisted steel, you'll be able to...um...eat an energy bar, and clean up some minor cuts and bruises. Just hope you don't have a massive slab of concrete smash down on your skull, because then you'll be just as unprepared as anyone else.

So here's to Glenn Beck, a real American hero, for pointing out the faults and inadequacies of others in a crisis, while not ever having to face a real crisis himself.

Score!

So while the State is working on its appeal of the dismissal in that big case I've mentioned, I took a moment to look at some of the other charges, which seemed pretty much indefensible. Lo and behold, I found a little problem with one -- a fairly subtle twist on one of the elements, because the case law actually narrowed the statutory language quite a bit. To the point where our client didn't actually do what the statute was designed to prohibit.

Last week I knocked out a motion to dismiss, and this week we found out the State moved to dismiss the charge without a fight.

Boo-yah, bitches! (Oh yes, I'm taking boo-yah back.)

For those of you keeping score at home, that's 3 out of 6 charges dismissed.

Yes, Mom. Yes They Do.

I was having lunch with my parents the other day, trying yet again to explain the difference between my taking appointments for the SPD and trying to get an actual SPD job, as well as what other opportunities are out there for me. The conversation moved in the direction of personal injury law, because I had said that there aren't really any big criminal law firms to my knowledge, mostly smaller firms, and I was asked about Habush Habush and Rottier, which I said dealt more with PI cases. My mom said that she read in a John Grisham novel that you don't want to be a tort lawyer, and I replied that is pretty much what personal injury lawyers work on - tort cases. Mom asked if that was like the term "ambulance chasers," and I said yeah, they would be personal injury lawyers.

Then, God's honest truth, my mom asked me, "So how the firms get those cases? Do they just send someone down to the hospital to look around?"

How Do I Get That Job?

Next to being His L-Ness, playing World of Warcraft, Online poker, and doing just about whatever he feels like at any given time, I'd have to say the second best job might have to be working at the Division of Juvenile Corrections. Their office is only staffed weekdays from 8:30-11:30 am (15 hours a week). I've called there before around 11:15 am and got no answer. Today I called at 10:20 am, and also got no answer. So, when your office is open only 15 hours a week and no one's there to answer the phones, what the hell are they actually doing? And how can I get in on that racket?

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Lawyer

This is a time of transition, of graduation, of moving on to bigger and better things. All my law friends are somewhere on this spectrum -- all have graduated, some have jobs, some do not, some are studying for the bar, some are not, some are practicing, and some are not yet. But we've all accomplished a great deal, and I think it's worth taking a moment to celebrate that achievement. We're lawyers now, or close enough. And having experienced a taste of what it's really like, I'd say it has been worth the effort.

So, to celebrate what comes next, I thought I would share a ceremonial song, a rite-of-passage, if you will. To the tune of "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta" by the Geto Boys - you all know how it goes:

Verse 1

Damn it feels good to be a lawyer
Cuz real lawyer-ass niggas never lose
A real lawyer-ass nigga always runs his fuckin mouth
Cuz real lawyer-ass niggas talk smooth
And real lawyers always rock the fly suits
Pimped out like a straight-up gangsta mack
Like a real lawyer I don’t gotta brag much
Though I’ve got a chair made out of money stacks
And everythings cool in the mind of a lawyer
Cuz lawyer-ass niggas think deep
Working 24/7 ‘til our loans paid
Then we’ll only work three days a week

And all I gotta say to you
Wannabe, gonnabe, law students livin’ that torture
When you finally get admitted it be worth the fuckin’ wait
Damn it feels good to be a lawyer

Verse 2

Damn it feels good to be a lawyer
Getting clients, charging up the massive bills
I used to spend my days in a classroom
But now I’m in the courtroom makin deals
Damn it feels good to be a lawyer
I mean one that everybody know
Ridin around town with my rimz not spinnin
Hittin corners in my Ford Escort
Now real-ass lawyers come in all shapes and colors
Workin’ business law, real estate, and crim
Litigators, public interest, I-to-tha-P
Livin’ lavish ‘cause our pockets never slim

Now all I gotta say to you
Wannabe, gonnabe, 1Ls who wish you’d never entered
Those three years of bullshit will pass by quick
And then damn it feels good to be a lawyer

Verse 3

Damn it feels good to be a lawyer
A real lawyer-ass nigga gets respect
You can call my secretary, set up an appointment
Cuz ain’t nobody that speaks to me direct
And we never have to worry bout the little things
Cuz a real lawyer makes his own rules
We just hire peeps to do our shit for us
And then we never have to tie our own shoes
And the laws of the world don’t apply to us
Because a real-ass lawyer’s above the law
Drive a hundred miles an hour, dead hookers on the roof
Then chase a cop away with a chain saw
And that’s just another day in the life of a lawyer
Cuz real lawyer-ass niggas got it made
And real lawyers never got to worry bout cash
Cuz real lawyer niggas always get paid

Now when you see me you had better get the name right
I’m the motherfuckin court room destroyer
And now I got the world swingin from my nuts
Damn it feels good to be a lawyer.