Tapediggity

I have a new enemy. His name is Tapeworm. (or Tape-dog, as no one calls him.) When I eat, he eats my food. Then he eats my stomach as retaliation for invading his space with my food. Thus I have two basic settings during the day – stomach pains from starving, or stomach pains from tapeworm attack. Tapeworm ruins my meals. He ruins my desserts. He makes me afraid to eat. He puts me in a foul mood. And, most importantly, he took our jobs. (‘E tuk er jaabs!)

What do we call such a foul creature, such a foreign entity invading a once-secure sanctuary, causing destruction and carnage with every movement, spewing filth with its pompous and brazen disrespect for the laws of common decency, and generally burninating the countryside? Rajeev? Close. We call him a terrorist. And I’m not talking a media scare-tactic/diversion-from-real-issues GOP style terrorist. I’m talkin’ the real deal.

Now, as I’ve tried to explain, it seemed cute when I bought him. I didn’t realize how big he would get. And now I can’t get rid him. I have tried probably 10 different medications over the years, plus the basic antacid tablets. I have had at least 5 major tests done. I even tried goddamn vegetables for a week. No results to speak of.

Anyone have any suggestions for how to counter such a threat?

(And please, save the actual medical suggestions. I don’t believe in real medical science - - like my good friend Mr. Christopher Diesel Zachar, I was brought up in the school of hard knock medial science. You heard me, fool.)

"Sometimes You Have to Puruse the Fa Shizzle"

That quote, uttered by the incomparable Mr. Martinez during our trip, completely and utterly failed to appropriately describe whatever he was referring to at the time. And I can no longer remember what he was referring to, not that it matters. In the spirit of this, I will give my latest movie recommendation - - go see the movie Over the Hedge. Quite possibly the cutest movie in the history of space and time to the infinity.

Also, if you haven't checked Andy's account of the Chicago trip and weekend, do it now. I don't have any other way to say this, but it was amazing from top to bottom. The ball game, the sleep number beds, the tequila lounge, the Cheesecake Factory, IKEA, Over the Hedge, Gennas, the after party, Bratfest, the Bachhuber barbeque, and....afterward. And, most importantly, the company. You know who you are :)

What can I say? Sometimes you just...yeah.

M*therf*ckin' Snakes On An X-Men

There are some events that change a man forever. I'm not sure X-Men III - The Final Stand was one of them. But I know for damn sure going to see it at the midnight showing with the diehards was a memorable experience in many ways.

First, a disclaimer - - I don't know if I will review X-Men III. If I do, I will at least wait a few days, for the sake of others who will see it. I will say that I thought it was pretty good overall, especially story and action-wise. Some of the action was spectacular, and some of the themes were particularly thought-provoking. However, the character development was spotty at best, and left the movie with a sour aftertaste. The first two X-Men built up a solid core of characters, and a lot of them were largely absent from this film for various reasons. So in the end, when the X-Men go to take on Magneto's army (not really spoiling anything here), out of the six (and later seven) characters who fight, only three of them had any significant role in the previous two films. In my opinion, they tried to make the movie too big, threw in too many characters, and diluted the core character development to the point where the emotional conflicts weren't all that emotional.

However, being at the movie was another story. Now, I'm a major movie/television buff, especially anything action/superhero/sci-fi related. But I learned quite clearly through Andy's quiz on upper-level dorkitude that I just don't have the chops. Not even close.

And then there was last night. We sat at the back of the theater, which was absolutely filled to capacity with the dorkiest guys I have ever had the extreme discomfort of being around. Now, I mean no offense to dorks, none whatsoever. I love dorks, many of my best friends are dorks, and many of them are some of the coolest people I will ever meet. I often love the same topics as dorks, and therefore sympathize greathly with the culture of dorkery. But this was a whole new level of dorkitude I could scarcely comprehend even existed. From RPGs to computer software to gaming systems to cheat codes to calculus, and back again. Everyone had vocal and passionate advocacy for one thing or another, and everyone else was equally as vocal and passionate as to why the first thing was inferior to the second. Most of the time I sat in silence, pretending that I was somewhere else, somewhere pleasant where things made sense again. I mean, I wasn't embarassed to be there, I was just....strangely uncomfortable.

But when the Dork High Commander on Andy's right challenged him to a calculus competition, I had to draw the line. After my outburst, the conversation shifted back toward sci fi movies, which was more familiar territory. But for a few moments, shit was getting critical.

And then the previews started, and all was right with the world. Because I was about to witness perhaps the greatest trailer I have ever seen in my life. That's right - - Snakes on a Plane. It was so unexpected too. It was like this summer you'll see superheroes and unbreakable codes and blockbuster action, but not one of those movies will have this: m*therf*ckin' snakes on a plane. Perhaps this is why I enjoyed the movie more than my colleague. My mind was already completely blown beforehand, and everything else was just gravy.

One thing's for certain: I'm a believer. When I conducted my summer movie preview, I was skeptical about Snakes on a Plane. As much as it shames me to admit, the brilliance of the concept went right over me. But then again, most things do. But now, with the help of my friends, I have converted. And I can proudly affirm the following: We got m*therf*ckin' snakes on this plane!

One Giant Leap for Justice

Through a fantastic technological development, I have been able to procure a recording of my first trial this summer on behalf of the Winnebago County District Attorney's office. After having reviewed the proceedings on tape, I have drafted the official transcript. My first direct examination proceeded as follows:

Judge: Mr Vice, you may call your first witness.

Me: Sweet. The State calls (name omitted to protect somebody).
Can you please state your name and spell it for the record?

Witness: No thanks. I wish to remain mysterious.

Me: Fair enough. Do you know the defendent, Mr. Joseph Momma?

Witness: Yes, I have met him once before.

Me: Was this before or after you went to clown college together?

Defense: OBJECTION: Assumes facts not in evidence.

Me: No, you're assuming facts not in evidence!

Judge: Overruled.

Me: Thank you, your honor. As I was saying, you went to clown college with Mr. Momma?

Witness: No, I didn't say that.

Me: No, I said that. You agreed with me.

Witness: No, I didn't.

Me: So you admit to having worked as a clown?

Witness: No.

Me: Let me rephrase. So you admit to having worked as a clown?

Defense: OBJECTION: Asked and answered.

Me: No, you're asked and answered!

Judge: Sustained. Please move along, Mr. Vice.

Me: Now, at this party, where there may or may not have been any clowns, and you may or may not have been one of the possibly non-existent clowns, were you, in fact, attending this would-be party?

Witness: Huh?

Me: Your honor, would you please direct the witness to answer the question?

Judge: No.

Me: Very well. (pulls out a picture, shows it to witness) Mr. (witness), what did you see here?

Witness: Well, it looks like a little girl getting bitten on the leg by a fire hyrdrant.

Me: Excellent. When you see a girl getting bitten on the leg by a fire hydrant, what do you normally do?

Witness: Um, I suppose I would call the sheriff.

Me: And when you saw this and called the sheriff, what did he say?

Defense: OBJECTION: Hearsay.

Me: Your honor, the statements offered by the sheriff fall under the "irrational quotations" exception to the hearsay rule.

Judge: I'll allow it.

Witness: Okay, but I never called the sheriff. You just showed me the picture.

Me: So what, if anything, did you say or do, or think, or not think next?

Defense: OBJECTION - That question is vague and nonsensical.

Me: No, you're vauge and nonsensical!

Judge: (bangs gavel) Put down that trident, Mr. Vice! Objection sustained.

Me: Let me rephrase. What, if anything, didn't you say or not do next, if ever?

Witness: I'm not sure what you're referring to.

Me: But you admit that I am referring to something?

Witness: What?

Me: Mr. (witness), you testified only seconds earlier that you weren't sure what I was referring to. Is it your testimony now that you do know what I'm referring to?

Witness: Um, no?

Me: Aha! No further questions, your honor.

New Wave-Off

So my momentary freak out over the Trial Ad class was absolutely unnecessary. The assignment was minimal, and the class started two hours later than it usually will. Not only that, but the harsh reality of returning to the building this morning for class was lessened considerably by some thoughtful students. When I arrived at the class room, there was a "New Wave-Off" in progress. The students were competing over who had the best/worst New Wave music collection on the computers, and treating the rest of us to Pretty in Pink, Duran Duran, the Psychadelic Furs, etc. Now, I'm not a fan of New Wave/80's music by any means (I tend not to stray far from my ghetto roots), but I'm a HUGE fan of New Wave/80's music being played in class. It was simply awesome.

Guess Not

Leave it to the law school to thwart my one attempt at being studious. I was fully prepared to sacrifice this day to working on my assignment for tomorrow's Trial Ad interim class, and ventured up to the law building to waste a beautiful day. Lo and behold, the entire building was locked. Of course, I might have known this had I visited the building in the past week, but I didn't think it was necessary. Anyway, I was able to sneak in through the lockers area being painted, but found the doors to the hangfile area were also locked. I considered busting them down with a Rundown-esque display of force, but those doors didn't deserve such a fate. Plus, the painting crew was stationed nearby, and such action would have alerted them, quite possibly leading to a paint war. And having left my nonexistent paintball gun back in my equally nonexistent paintball weapons bunker, I had little choice.

Once again, the world is conspiring to make me not care about the law.

No, It's Not On. It's Off.

Victory is mine! Or so it would seem. My stomach has apparently bowed out of the conflict, as the last couple of days have been relatively smooth sailing. I still don't know why it got riled up in the first place, whether certain food substitutions helped, or what role robots played in the conflict, but I'll take it. Thanks for all of your support.

And if anyone walking around the Gilman/State Street intersection in the next couple of days gets hit with half a head of lettuce, that will be me, celebrating.

Cause and Effect?

Paradigms are shifting at the Vice camp, and a new line of thought has evolved. Call it the ultimate post hoc ergo propter hoc moment if you will, but hear me out. Maybe I've been going about this dietary conflict all wrong. For months I believed that the animal crackers were my enemy. Then, after extirpating the alleged animal cracker menace successfully (animal cracker free for roughly three weeks now), my stomach mounted a debilitating offensive, putting me in almost constant pain after every meal.

Coincidence? I'm not so sure. The simple answer could be animal cracker withdrawals, in which case it should lessen over time, and I should continue to fight the good fight. A more complex possibility is I now suffer from animal cracker deficiancy, and my stomach is acting as a victim rather than a combatant. The third answer is that one has nothing to do with the other, and I'm retarded.

I'm going to give this some serious thought. Rumors of an all-animal cracker diet have even surface, at least for a trial run. I could always add some things, such as peanut butter for protein, orange juice for fruit, and cake for the cake department. This will remain on hold for now, but it's a possibility.

I will give the vegetablization approach its chance, and if this doesn't work, all bets are off.

Vegetable Warfare

File this under the "Enemy of my enemy is my friend" department. Anyone that knows me can attest that I am no fan of vegetables, and I actively avoid any food with a vegetable-type substance involved. (Except french fries, which I still adamently believe qualify as health food). However, as many of you may know, I also have some sort of stomach condition - mostly likely heart burn - that forces me to eat only about half a real portion at any meal. Otherwise I get this terrible pain in my chest, a burning that can last for several hours. The reason I'm not certain it's heartburn is because it doesn't respond to any heartburn medications. I've had countless tests done (including a sonogram, which I highly recommend - very relaxing) and nothing has ever been discovered. So, could be heartburn, could be a tapeworm. Point is, it sucks. It's been an on and off thing for 6-7 years now, growing worse during high stress periods. And it makes it both hard and painful to enjoy eating, which is pretty damn infuriating.

So lately my heartburn/tapeworm has been acting up. By lately, I mean the past week or so. It's not a stress thing, because I've been done with finals for about 10 days now. For about the past year, I've tried to eat healthier and get in better shape, and I've done this by basically changing from a terribly unhealthy diet to a mildly unhealthy diet. (Hence my ongoing struggle with junk food, though less unhealthy forms) Despite these changes, I have still refused to invite any vegetable menace into my home.

However, this morning, shit hit the fan. I had a poptart for breakfast. One poptart. And some water. And about thirty minutes later, the heartburn/tapeworm struck hard. I was in pain for at least an hour as a result of such gluttony. This was inexcusable. My stomach had officially declared war on me.

Not one to shy away from senseless combat, I had to throw down. I went to the grocery store, bought myself the materials to make (gasp!) a salad. Now, I'll eat an occasional salad before meals, granted. However, the key is that this is before meals, aka real food. Today, I had a salad for lunch, and nothing else. My stomach wants to fuck with me, I'll starve the bitch into submission. I'll feed it all sorts of plants and shrubbery until it can't take anymore. The logic is simple. I hate my stomach. My stomach hates plants. Therefore, I ally myself with the plant kingdom. Now, I know that, ultimately, I'll be suffering as well, but sacrifices must be made in a time of war. And you bet your ass, I didn't have any heartburn/tapeworm flareup this afternoon. I went running, just to rub it in.

The goals are simple. No more debilitating pain due to going all out and devouring half a flippin' pop tart. No more going to a restaurant and being unable to order something because I'm still in too much pain from the last meal I had 5 HOURS AGO.

Now, by no means will this drive me toward vegetarianism. I'm thinking one salad or equally awful shrub-like meal a day, and actual flavor the rest of the time. But perhaps I can finally put one of my all time favorite statements into effect: "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."

Stomach this.
(points to genitals)

Oh Yes Ladies, It Is Clearly On

Top 10 Pick-up Lines in the History of the World:

10. "Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?"
9. "If I had to choose between one night with you or winning the lottery...I would chose winning the lottery...but it would be close...real close..."
8. "Hey baby. I'm single. Do you believe that shit?"

7. "Can I impregnate you with my Demon spawn?"

6. "Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore....my face should be among them."
5. "So....I heard you wanted to fight me."
4. "If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you."
3. "I'm bigger and better than the Titanic..... only 200 women went down on the Titanic."
2."Roses are red, violets are blue, I have warts, so will you."
And finally...
1. "Excuse me, have you seen my enormous jar of "Penis Reducing Cream"?"

Bonus Round:

Top 1 Pick-up Line for Chuck Norris
1. "Now."

BOOM!

Your Power Level is: 84%

You have all the tools you need to be a success - both professionally and personally. You'll probably go beyond reaching your goals. You'll change the world (at least a little).

How Powerful Are You?

This sounds like me from 2 years ago. Wherefore art thou, my ambition?

Also, I didn't see a Killing Power test on there. Someone (cough* cough* Elise) ought to create one.

It's Mega-Maid - - She's Gone From Suck To Blow

Wait a minute, are vacuums with negative suction power really a good idea? I mean, at some point during the production process, isn't there one lonely hand raised to point out the problem with this? Between the product engineers, the scientists, and the consumer groups, won't anyone chime in? And, even if the product hits the shelves, shouldn't there be labels on the side saying "This piece of shit you're about to waste your money on will not only refuse to suction any of the unwanted matter from your carpet, it will actually increase the crap/carpet ratio by about 300%" ? Apparently not, since I just spent about forty-five hellish minutes pleading with mine, only to be brutally rebuffed. So now my parents are coming for lunch, and they'll probably stop by. When they ask me "Didn't that carpet used to be blue?" what am I supposed to say - "Originally yeah, but, um....erosion, and.....fuck you." ? Thank you, Dirt Devil.

We Don't Need No Stinking Thermostats

There are several reasons why I don't invite people to my apartment. First, it's pretty small, so not many people would fit comfortably up here, and the problem's only getting worse now that I don't have room in the closet to stack all of the corpses. Second, I'd prefer it to remain a mystery. What type of operation have I got up here - - a meth lab? Illegal trafficking of endangered species? A microwave? Probably, but no one's really sure, and I'm not telling. Third, I don't want any of you cheap bastards trying to swipe my GANGSTA ring. No. Way. In. Hell. Bitches.

But beyond that, the biggest problem is the tempestuous weather conditions. Currently we're rocking the subzero temps, and I'm desperately trying to find a pair of snowpants in case I need to brave the ten foot trek necessary to go answer my phone. And I can't turn the heat on because it's switched over to the AC. Now, in the winter, I never have to touch the heat because somehow it's always a flippin' sauna in here. Generally when I'm just sitting at home, if I wear any clothes at all, I'm in constant danger of spontaneously combusting. Then if I turn the air on, it goes straight from sweltering to frigid, stopping only for a brief moment in between for my air conditioner to point and laugh. But not today. Now it just sits there, mocking my entire lack of practical knowledge, because apparently I don't know how to work the one dial to change it anymore.

One question worth asking is why I still live here, I suppose. Truth is, my parents told me they'd cover my rent throughout law school if I kept it within a certain price range. Which is no small consideration, since I'm probably going to make it through law school and graduate without having any debt whatsoever. So here I sit, shivering, hoping the sun decides to get its lazy ass out of bed so I can shed the winter wear and go back to being slowly broiled. Unlikely as that is, if the next time you see me it appears that I have fewer toes than normal, there's at least a 65% chance that they froze off in the interim, a 2o% chance they were mauled be certain specii who don't like being caged up here anymore, and a 15% chance I lost them in 'Nam.

Zombophobes

It appears that the Haitiii have finally made an official denouncement of zombies. Let me be the first one to say it: it's about damn time. I've never been a fan of zombies, despite Hollywood's attempts to make them seem cool. The only good thing a zombie ever did was bite known terrorist Leonard Kaplan in the face, which only happened because I made it so. Don't be fooled by groups like People for the Ethical Treatment of Zombies and Undead Americans (PETZUA), or Scraggly-ass Hippies Uplifting The Undead Peoples (SHUT UP) - - zombies aren't good people. In fact, well over half of the medical experts I have consulted on this sound pretty confidant that zombies are NOT people.

Need further proof the uncoolness of zombies? Zombies are the number one cause of osteoperosis, because the first part of the body they bite is usually the spine. I know I've been the minority on this issue for years, but it seems like public opinion is finally changing. Perhaps one day I can finally shed the cruel term "Zombophobe," which my older cousin tagged me with after I expressed my undying hatred for Zimbabwe.

Existence in the Balance

AP: Madison - The following is an official press release from the offices of Mr. Vice, Commander of the Allied Forces and Leader of the Tactical Cracker Counterinsurgency Unit:

"My fellow Americans, I wish I could tell you the war against the Animal Cracker Nation is over. I wish I could strap on my fightin' pants, stand on Abe Lincoln's lap at the top of Bascom Hill and declare victory over crackerhood. But I cannot do that in good conscience. You may have heard reports that tensions have decreased, and that the battle appears to be over. It gives me great pleasure to confirm the fact that there have been no fatalities on either side for nearly two weeks now. Indeed, there have been no new movements of animal crackers into the region, primarily because Walgreens is crazy if they think they can charge me $2.20 for a 1 lb. bag I can get elsewhere for under $1.

On this front, it appears the battle is over; we have stormed the castle, we have taken the field, we have run up the flag, we have seized the day, and we have done any number of other patriotic things. Yes, the battle may be over, but lo, the war appears far from it. As much as it pains me to admit, we appear to have misjudged our enemy. This war is more than just an armed hostility against Animal Crackers; it is an ideological confrontation against the entire Junk Food species. For when a cautious detente was struck with the Animal Crackers, the Cadbury Mini Eggs stepped into the fight. While our armed forces had little trouble dispatching these "eggs," we were then confronted by rabid bands of Chex Mix, Jolly Ranchers, and Tootsie Rolls. And, in one of the most horrific displays of carnage I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing, multiple scoops of "Cookie-Doughn't You Want Some" ice cream in a waffle cone ambushed a courageous squadron of American troops outside of a local Cold Stone Creamery. They never had a chance.

So, regrettably, the fight rages on. Now, some of you may call me a warmonger. Some of you will say that we should accept our victory and try to maintain peace with all junk food-kind. But I respectfully disagree. We cannot be content with our apparent victory over the Animal Crackers while endless armies of chocolates, candies, and potato chips wait in the wings to annihilate our entire way of existence.

But do not be mistaken - - I believe we will win this war yet. For every bloodthirsty brand of junk food on the market, we have soldiers willing to risk everything for life and country. And let me assure you, heroes are in no short supply. Who can forget the inspiring tales of Colonel Sanders, Captain Crunch, General Tsao, and Sergeant Slaughter? And the heroism extends to the private citizens as well as the enlisted men, women, and fictional entities. You should all have witnessed the sacrifices made by the Easter Bunny; while he has been MIA for several weeks now, I know he's somewhere attacking people at random, spreading the message: We will persevere.

And on that note, I bring you another heartwarming tale of an American hero. Witness and behold freedom in action:

We do not know this soldier's name, and we don't know his rank, but we do know this: A coward dies a thousand deaths, but a crazed kitten with a dagger and a rifle is not to be fucked with.

So fear not, good citizens. This fight is one worth winning, and we have no intention of giving up. After all, this isn't France.

God bless America."

Incentives, or Not

So the law school sends out the email reminding us to renew our lockers for next year, and the date we're supposed to do this by is May 14th. Oddly enough, that's the same day we have to clean out our lockers or face fines. For some of us, this means cleaning out every single book we've had from first semester on (ie hundreds and hundreds)

Does anyone else think this is a little like your apartment company begging you to renew your lease, and then telling you to pick up all your shit so they can kick you out of the building as soon as you sign it?

The Promise of a Bright Tomorrow, and Some Crap

May has arrived in full force, and as a dedicated full-time graduate student who has spent the past 9 months of academia thinking about what lies ahead, you know what that means: blockbuster movie season is upon us. The light at the end of the tunnel. The rainbow after the storm. Spring after a long, cold summer. The knowledge that someday, Big Chief will perish in a mysterious tomahawk-to-the-face related death. The things that get us through.

Each year I make it through, this month rewards me with quality entertainment. In addition to the season finales of whatever TV shows I happen to be watching each year, there's always at least one major movie that doesn't disappoint. In 2003, it was Matrix Reloaded and X-Men 2. Last year it was Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. 2004 didn't have a big one in May, but it had Dodgeball in early June, and Spiderman 2 shortly afterward. With that in mind, I've taken a look ahead to what's coming. Here are the prospects:

Superman Returns - although this won't come until the end of June, this looks like it will be incredible. I haven't gotten into the Superman mythos as much as certain other of my counterparts - I didn't read the comics, and the older movies were a bit dated for me. (And, come on, spinning the earth back around to reverse time? Um.....) Plus, superheroes to me are compelling for their weaknesses just as much as their strengths, if not more. And Superman can basically do anything, so it's hard to imagine any situation where he wouldn't have at least one power that would defeat whatever he's up against. And I'd prefer an internal weakness of character over vulnerability to something external, ie kryptonite, because the internal weaknesses will have to be overcome in any situation, while external ones are only effective when present. However, I thought Smallville told some pretty good stories (despite uneven quality) and, well, it's SUPERMAN. So my expectations are high.

X-Men: The Last Stand - a few weeks til this comes out. I think it should be awesome. And from what I hear, a large portion of the plot was borrowed directly from Joss Whedon's plot in his comic series The Astonishing X-Men, which means the story won't suck. Although, I'm wary about the sheer quantity of characters involved. It's hard to tell a story with any character development when you've got 75 billion characters to develop. On the plus side, it's got Ian McKellen as Magneto leading the quasi-evil-doers again, and he's awesome. And, let's face it, I'd sell the souls of all my friends to have giant metal blades that eject from my hands at will.

Mission Impossible 3 - First off, I couldn't give a good goddamn what Tom Cruise believes. I don't care anything about celebrities' real lives. As long as they do a decent job on screen, then I'll watch. And I still don't mind Tom Cruise as an actor. He'll always have a free pass, as far as I'm concerned, because of A Few Good Men, which is why I decided to become a lawyer. Unfortunately, I actually liked the first two M:I movies; the first was convulted, but breaking into the CIA is cool in my book. The second was alright too. So, eh. I'll be there.

The Da Vinci Code - This one interests me, mostly because I haven't read the book. And I haven't read the book mostly because it's a book. I always figured when it became a movie, then I'd find out what the big deal is. Of course, the deal may not be as big in a movie, since I'm sure plenty has to get cut. But then, this way I don't have to read. Probably won't see it at the theater, but I'll catch it on the flipside.

Poseidon - Wait a minute, I thought the Titanic sank? Well, here's for originality. PASS.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - Yeah, the first one was very good. Kiera Knightly....mmmmm. And Johnny Depp was hilarious. But then, I'll have to check with the ninjas to see if attending this movie would be allowed. I don't want to put myself into the middle of a war.

Snakes on a Plane - the website described this movie as starring the ultra-hip Samuel L Jackson and a shitload of snakes. Well, I don't see how it could go wrong. Oh, wait, anyone remember "The Man" ? Yeah, me neither.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift - starring Josh Hartnett, Dakota Fanning, Busta Rhymes, and Kirby Puckett. Actually, I have no idea who's in it. But I imagine that it will have cars, chicks, and the obligatory rap star in it.

Nacho Libre - Jack Black plays a monk who becomes a masked Mexican wrestler. I'm not sure I understand how someone can convert to Mexicanism, I figured that was sort of an insular characteristic. Anyway, the guy that directed Napoleon Dynamite is running the show, so I'd imagine it will be ridiculous, in a good way.

RV - Robin Williams and a family in a giant RV. I imagine some movie executives will be drawn and quartered for this.

Click - Adam Sandler finds a remote control that works on everything.
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - Will Ferrell plays a NASCAR driver.
Either one could be good, or horrible.

Beerfest - the Broken Lizard team that brought the hilarious Super Troopers and the atrocious Club Dread made this one, so we'll see. Haven't caught a preview yet.

Clerks II - I'm not sure I remember the first one very well, but I hear it's good.

Stick It - a group of gymnasts in what promises to be a terrible, terrible movie.

The Break-Up - A romantic comedy with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston, where a couple breaks up but neither wants to move out of the apartment. Should be completely formulaic, but it's not a bad formula, and I like both of them.

A Scanner Darkly - Keanu in another twisty sci-fi flick. This one I'm not so sure about, but it looks interesting.

I'm sure there are others, but I'm cashed. Any votes on which you think will be the best? My money's on Little Man, which stars Marlon Wayans as a two-foot tall man who poses as a baby to get his stolen merchandise back, or something like that. I shit you not.

Go Away, Monkey

Movie review the fourth. Though not a new release, I thought it worthy of review.

King Kong

It’s only fair to be skeptical about this movie. After all, as Mr. Martinez pointed out on several occasions, it’s a movie about a giant monkey. But it had a lot of things going for it that made me want to watch. First, several critics chose it as the best movie of last year. Although I don’t watch movies by what the critics say, its worth taking into account. Second, Peter Jackson directed. He directed the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and I think those movies were incredible. Third, it has Jack Black and Colin Hanks, two actors I really enjoy. And fourth, I didn’t really know much about the story of King Kong. So I gave it a shot.

Like LotR, this movie is absolutely epic. It’s over three hours long, and as I watched it progress, it felt like it was three different movies in one. Of course, that’s not necessarily a good thing. It’s set in the 1930s; the first hour was the setup for a movie within the movie – a struggling director hustles away a crew and its actors on a ship just in time to not get caught by the movie executives who want their money back. They’re heading to a supposedly uninhabited island, all the while shooting a romantic film on the seas. I found this part relatively entertaining, though not my usual cup of Ronald F Mexico.

This means the titular Mr. Kong didn’t make an appearance until nearly halfway through the movie. There’s some problems with the ship, then some problem with the inhabitants of the uninhabited island, who are creepy as all hell, and like to ritually sacrifice people. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. So, long story long, they capture the lead actress, and put her up on the chopping block for Senor Kong. The film and ship crews try to rescue her, but, well, they mostly fail.

This is where the movie really gets cool. Kong is on the loose, and he’s got the actress (Anne) held hostage. In true Guns and Roses fashion, the crews get a warm reception in the jungle, from various DINOSAURS and other messed up creatures. I was a little iffy on the dinosaurs idea, until they got spooked and decided to stampede. Now, if you’ve never been privy to a stampeding herd of brontosauri before, it’s quite an experience. As far as I’m concerned, you can shove the Running of the Bulls, I’ll take the Running of the Saurs any day. And in what I can only assume was an ode to the Blues Brothers, Peter Jackson chose to end the stampede in a 75 brontosauri pile-up. I’m not kidding. The whole thing as incredible.

Then some more stuff happens, Anne and Kong start bonding as women and stupid apes always do. But Kong’s no garden variety douchebag, no sir. Kong goes from giant monkey to action star pretty quickly, in what I’d say is probably the greatest extended cinematic action sequence I’ve seen since the freeway chase/ battle at the Merovingian’s Chateau in the Matrix Reloaded. Basically it involves Kong protecting Anne from three Tyrannosauri. First you’ve got the hand to hand combat, which is incredible. Imagine a gigantic Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking and body slamming dinosaurs, then ripping their heads off, and you’ll get the idea. Then Kong and two dini roll down a giant cliff, and while Kong fights off the saurs, he always has to make sure Anne is safe. They all fall off the cliff and end up hanging on a bunch of vines between two cliffs. My favorite part is where Anne is safely hanging by herself on a few vines, swinging around while Kong fights a Saur below on some more vines. But then she looks over and sees the other Saur just kinda hanging there, chilling on his own vines. The action continues on as Kong has to defeat these two, then squares off with the boss Saur down below.

After defeating the final Saur, Anne is just standing there, marveling at the good Kong, so rather than going to her and making sure she’s okay, he just kinda stands there, preening. This is funny ‘cause it’s like he’s showing off; he doesn’t go to her, he just stands there saying “Come on baby, the pimp train’s leaving with or without you, so hop on.” She does, and they roll out.

After that, we go back to the crews, who are now seriously thinned out in numbers. Then they have to face off with some seriously fucked up bug creatures, and I start to cringe. Fuckin’ hate spiders. Well, whatever. The bugs are eventually overcome, and….well, Anne gets rescued from Kong.

Obviously I’m skipping over some pretty important stuff, but this is how I saw the movie.

Then we hit the last portion of the film, where the ship crew brings Kong back to New York. I’m not going into the details of that, because….it seems pretty unlikely that their plan could possibly have worked to me. The point is, he’s NY bound. Then he’s a prisoner for theater performance, and exploited for profit. Bad move. Sure enough, Kong starts tearing shit up, and it’s on like Donkey Kong now. He rips up the theater, cars, buildings, and your mom before finding Anne. So happy together…..

I shit you not, next thing you know, they’re ice skating. Well, no skates, just spinning around on the ice. It’s kinda funny, but…well, I suppose that’s what Brian Boitano’d do.

Then Kong has to escape the army, and he runs up the Empire State Building. This was all pretty cool; he takes on some air planes, then he gets into a fistfight with Reginald VelJohnson, the guy who played Carl Winslow from Family Matters, and the cop from the first Die Hard. Or maybe it was just more airplanes. Either way, he fights some planes, and/or Carl Winslow. Then he dies, and it’s all sad and/or romantic.

Overall, I thought it was good. I loved the jungle scenes, especially the battles with the Saurs, which were breathtaking. But to me, it was just too long. I understand why the whole first hour was required, and it was good in its own right. But then the second hour is pretty intense, and it’s night and day from the first. Then the last hour is good, but…. I don’t know. It just felt like something was missing. Or way too much was included.

Or, it was just a giant monkey. Monkey did well for himself, but there’s only so much you can do with a giant monkey. And the movie was so many different things - - noir, action, romance, monkey, tragedy - - it accomplished a lot, and it was a great movie, but…really, the sum of its parts was better than the whole.

My score: B
Recommendation: It’s definitely worth seeing, especially if you like monkeys fighting dinosaurs, and if you’ve got 3 hours to spare.