Midnight Pruning

No, the title is not referring to some catchy new euphemism. It refers, instead, to a story of unsurpassed ridiculousness, courtesy of your old pal Vice. And I promise you, every word of it is the truth.

Our satellite has been having problems for a couple weeks now, with the signal cutting in and out. It goes out for long stretches of time, causing us to miss programming on occasion. I've been trying to get someone out here to look at the problem. It hasn't been easy (e.g. the first person told me to call back when it wasn't cloudy, to which I wanted to say how about I just call back when you're done going and fucking yourself), but we finally got someone out to the house yesterday. Naturally, they have you block off a 5 hour period in which they might arrive, and then arrive half an hour past the 5 hour period. But he got here, and checked things out.

Ultimately he concluded that foliage was blocking our receiver. Whether or not this is the entire problem, I'm not sure. But he did show me this cool device where I could look up into the sky and see the exact spot our signal was coming from for both receivers. Sure enough, there was a patch of branches and leaves that was blocking both the upper and lower receivers. The repair guy told me there wasn't anything he could do, because we'd have to either (a) have the satellite moved, which our landlord probably won't go for, or (b) have the offending branches cut down, which we'd have to consult our landlord about.

Problem was, we didn't want to wait. We've been screwing around with this damn thing for weeks, and we wanted it fixed. So I got a picture of the offending branches, and decided to cut them down myself. We went to Target and bought some shears, labelled (I shit you not) "The Lopper." It was bad-ass. We brought it home, and contemplated when to do the deed. I decided on doing it late at night, so people wouldn't see me and contact the landlord. As it got later, pH asked me when I was going to do it, and I hadn't quite got the nerve yet. Ten pm rolled around, and we made the decision to just go to bed and deal with it another time.

3:45 am. I woke up, checked out the scene, and decided to give it a go. I figured nobody would be out at that time, and we just got new stadium lights outside our complex which would make it easy to see. So I grabbed the camera with with picture of the branches, our mini step ladder, and the Lopper, and headed outside.

As I suspected, no one was around. I walked over to the satellite, took a look up at the tree, and tried to find the branches. But it didn't look right. In the picture, there was one big clump in the middle, with one little solitary branch hanging above. Now it looked more like two big clumps, and I wasn't sure which was the right clump, or if all of it was. I thought fuck it, I'll hack 'em all down. So I walked my mini step ladder over and took a look.

Now, those of you familiar with your old pal Vice knows I'm not the tallest individual in the world. Abundant heighth is actually a serious disadvantage in the world of ninjaing. So let's just say I roll with a pretty low center of gravity. The mini step ladder I was using gave me about an extra clearance of maybe 1 1/2 to 2 feet. The Lopper had a handle over a foot long. The branches, on the other hand, were about 15+ feet off the ground. In other words, I couldn't come close to reaching those branches. I wouldn't have been able to reach those branches even with a tall ladder.

Buckle up, because this is where things get retarded.

At this point, I had a decision to make. I envisioned several options. 1. Go back to bed, call the landlord in the morning, have them deal with it. 2. Go back to bed, buy a bigger ladder, buy a bigger Lopper, and try again another time. 3. Scale the tree, climb out onto the branches, and start lopping. 4. Rip the tree out of the ground by its roots with my bare hands.

I passed on all of those options, for several reasons. It was like 4 am. I was already awake, and no one was around. I didn't have to get up early the next day. I didn't want to wait for the landlord. I had my Lopper. I am a man. I don't climb trees well, and probably worse while holding the Lopper. And I saw no reason to destroy the entire tree at that point. So I did the only thing I could do. If I couldn't go to the tree, I had to make the tree come to me.

My first thought was that a few well-thrown ninja stars would do nicely, buzzing the branches right off. My second thought was that a few poorly-thrown ninja stars would crash into the nearby cars, buzzing the car parts right off. I passed on that.

Then I decided that a little rope might do the trick. My thinking was if I could throw the rope over the branch, I could pull down on both ends, which would lower the branch toward the ground. Recognizing this as the stroke of brilliance that it was, I came inside to look for rope, while trying not to disturb my light-sleeping fiancee who had to get up early. The only rope I had was a small bit of rope I used while tying things to my car once while moving. I decided that wouldn't be long enough, so I kept looking. Then I found a pair of extension cords. One was about 15 feet long, the other about 5. I thought, this is perfect - tie them together, and away we go.

Got outside, tied the cords together, and tossed them at the branch. Missed. Tossed them again. Missed. My goal was to toss it far enough over so that enough cord hung down on both sides so I could just grab them both and tug. The first time I got the cord up there, I flung the whole thing too far. The entire cord got stuck on a branch much higher up than the original branch.

So there I was, with my whole plan stuck in a tree. At this point, I had a decision to make. I envisioned several options. 1. Forget the cord, go to bed, landlord, etc. 2. Forget the cord, go to bed, taller ladder, etc. 3. Find some way to get my extension cord down, then cut my losses and go to bed. 4. Find some way to get the extension cord down, then continued what I'd set out to do. I think you know where I'm going with this.

As I started trying to think how to get the cord down, a car rolled into the parking lot. I stopped, walked around a bit, got a bottle of water from my car, and came back when the person was safely inside, a couple buildings away. I decided if I could find something long enough I could poke the cord or hook it and pull it down. Not wanting to risk one of my golf clubs (which I've been known to bust in half over foliage), I grabbed the Swiffer Sweeper. Only problem with that was the head wobbles. Without giving it much thought, I grabbed a clotheshanger and the Swiffer, and brought them both outside.

By this time it was starting to sprinkle. But a little rain never hurt anybody, right? So I took the mini step ladder and the Swiffer and tried to prod my extension cord out of the tree. No dice. I could reach one part hanging down, but the Swiffer couldn't latch on. So I took the clotheshanger, bent it so the whole wire part was vertical except for the hook, and attempted to position the thing on the Swiffer. After a few minutes, I got something workable, and I tried again. Success! I got the extension cord down. Then I set back about trying to throw it over the branch.

Occasionally I'd get the cord up on the branches, but the other end wouldn't hang far enough down so that I could reach it. That didn't help, so I just had to tug it back down and try again. Deciding I wasn't putting enough mustard on the toss, I reared back and gave it a solid heave. Success! An almost perfect throw, with plenty of cord hanging down on both sides.

Before I set about attempting to do some lopping, I felt something strange on the back of my head. I reached back to feel it. It was blood. My fingers were sticky with blood. My scalp was bleeding. I vaguely recalled something hitting me. Turns out, when I tossed the cord up, the bottom plug struck me in the skull on the way up. I kept rubbing the spot, and wiped the blood off on the grass.

At this point, I had a decision to make. This task had cost me a half hour worth of sleep already. I hadn't cut off any branches. It was raining. And now I was bleeding from the head. I envisioned several options. 1. Screw the cord, go inside, wipe the blood off, go to bed, landlord, etc. 2. Screw the cord, go inside, wipe the blood off, go to bed, taller ladder, etc. 3. Wipe the blood off, keep working. 4. Screw the blood, keep working.

So...I set up my ladder, grabbed the lopper, and started tugging on the cord. Sure enough, the branches bent to my will. I started trying to cut. It still wasn't easy, as I had to bend the branches a long way down. I cut off a few bits, and then the cord dislodged. I took a look back up at the tree. Didn't look like I'd done enough damage (to the tree, at least). So I scooped up the branches, tossed them in the dumpster, and took a moment to reflect.

Another car came by. This time, it parked closer to my building. Plus, the guy didn't go inside right away - he stayed outside and had a cigarette. Asshole. I decided to take this opportunity to go inside and wipe some of the blood off with a paper towel. That seemed to help, so I went back out and kept working. As I kept tossing the cord, I made sure to hang on to the other end so as not to (a) get the whole thing stuck in the tree again, or (b) let it impale me in the skull again. I gave it a few good tosses. I was getting better, and routinely got it at least partially stuck in the tree. Then I got a really good one, as both ends were nice and long on each side, and the middle was stuck firmly in the trees. I positioned my ladder and Lopper, and tried pulling. But I was having trouble trying to lower the branches and raise my Lopper at the same time since I'd gotten more brances tangled this time. I tried tying the ends of the cord around the tree trunk, and I almost got there when the point where the two cords met came apart, and the cords fell down. No branches cut that time.

So I kept going, and made sure to tie the cords in a loop around where they met so when I started pulling, I'd be pulling on the loop rather than directly on the connection between the cords. That seemed to work better. The next time I got the cord stuck, I got a few more branches, but not many. Another car rolled past, so I took a short break. Then I set back at it. After a few close misses, I got it caught tenuously. I decided to give it a shot, and if it came down when I tugged, so be it. But the cord held on the branch, and brought it close enough for me to do some lopping. This time I got a good amount of foliage, and a nice thick branch before the cord slipped and the larger branch returned skyward.

I cleared the lopped foliage away and took another look. Quite frankly, I couldn't tell if I'd gotten the right branches. I know I got some of it, but the whole thing looked so different from when I took the picture earlier, I couldn't be sure.

It had taken me an hour, and I was sweating and tired, and I didn't know if I could do any better with the tools at my disposal. Given that I hadn't completely failed, I decided to call it a night (morning). I grabbed the mini step ladder, the Swiffer Sweeper, the bent clotheshanger, the extension cords, and the Lopper, and wobbled inside. Washed up a bit, and crawled back into bed at 4:55 am.

Couldn't sleep, of course. I was pretty awake, and struggling not to laugh at my own stupidity. Plus, the back of my head was still sore, and it hurt to lay it on the pillow. Eventually I drifted off, followed by dreams of even more stupidity.

That, my friends, is what they call midnight pruning.

BTW - I've now checked the television. I'm not sure if I did any good or not. One of the satellites still seems blocked, but the other is free and clear now. But we're getting programming at least. Yay me.

Why I Own Cats

Scene: I set a sandwich down on the arm of the couch, wrapped in a paper towel.

K1 was sitting on the back of a nearby chair.

K2 was sitting by the patio door, looking out the screen.

As I walk out of the kitchen, I see K1 creeping over toward the sandwich, very slowly. I get closer, and K1 still doesn't notice. Finally she spots me and freaks out. K1 leaps over the back of the couch, directly at K2. K2, thinking she's under attack, freaks out, and goes tearing out of the room. K1 rushes head first into the screen door, then sits there in a daze.

For the next half hour, anytime the kitties see one another, they all have puffy tails and fur standing up on their backs, and they keep hissing and chasing one another around the room.

Classic.

1,000 Words