It's Official

To quote Flight of the Conchords, (in falsetto, singing) "It's business....it's business time!"

The legal supergroup MZRM's two greatest attorneys who still live in Madison will now be joining forces to create a partnership. Or an LLC. Or...one of those things. An L.L.Something. Just like L.L. Cool J. It'll be like Mama Said Knock You Out, At law.

So I don't know much about business. Fuck you.

Anyway, I've got a solid foundation for a client base, and Mr. Ismael is starting his as well. I've got money saved away that I forgot about, thus enabling me to not go broke immediately.

There's a lot to do, obviously. Finding office space. Finding office furniture. Developing a business plan. Developing a secret handshake. And most importantly, coming up with a name.

Community Justice Commandoes at Law, anyone?

Well I'll Be Damned

I didn't intend this to be a full movie review, but what the hell...

Evan Almighty

To my complete surprise, this movie didn't completely suck. Yeah, I know. It cost like $50,000 billion dollars to make, which is outrageous for a 90 minute comedy. I know, it's got Steve Carrell essentially playing Noah. And yeah, there's a flood. And Wanda Sykes. Re-fucking-diculous, I know.

Still, some of it was pretty good. For one thing, a movie that Steve Carrell signs off on can't be all bad. Logically, some of the writing had to be pretty funny, and.....it was. There were a few good jokes here and there. Also, the sheer absurdity of some the plot made it generally pretty amusing. And, I'll admit, it had some pretty cute moments, and a life-affirming story.

Granted, some of it was just lame. I'm kinda getting sick of the pro-environment plots coming out of some of today's comedies, and this was no exception. Not that I'm anti-environment, but a comedy with a pro-environment agenda bothers me along the lines of Shoot Em Up with an anti-gun policy. No thanks.

Also, there was an extended bit of slapstick humor during the ark-building scenes, where Steve Carrell injured himself in every way known to man, often repeating the same stupid mistake over and over, and often falling over for no apparent reason. I don't mind slapstick, but at least do it intelligently, and with a purpose.

All in all, I kinda liked the movie. Somebody got it for me for Christmas (not on my list), but I enjoyed it. So there.

My score: C+/B-
Recommendation: If you can step outside of your jaded, cynical selves and just try to enjoy it, it's not that bad. If you can't...well, I understand.

Road Rage

I'm not what one might call "tolerant" or "remotely patient" when driving. Though I have mellowed slightly in my old age (seriously, I have), I still feel the urge to scream at people a lot of the time. For example, people who slow down to look at car accidents. If you're slowing down because everyone ahead of you slowed down and you don't want to hit them, fine. But if you're slowing down to satisfy your own curiousity, fuck you.

Same with people who are already going the speed limit, then slow down when they see a cop. What the fuck are you afraid of, exactly? The police might start cracking down on people who drive less than five miles below the legal limit? Assholes.

Then today, when driving home on the Beltline, I encountered a vehicle driving 47 mph in the passing lane. All alone. No cars ahead of him, plenty of room to the side. I pulled pretty close behind him, and he kept puttering right along.

As far as I'm concerned, you want to drive slow, fine. But not in the far left lane. They don't call it the "passing lane" because of all the other drivers passing the people who drive in it. In some states, you're not even allowed to drive in the left lane for a certain distance when there are no other cars around. Where I come from, you can get shot for less.

Comic Books: Not Just For Dorks Anymore...Or I Have Become A Dork

I used to read comic books, way back in the day. If I had to guess, I'd say I was 7-8 years old. My older brother was the one who really liked them; I gave them a shot, and found they weren't too bad. If I remember correctly, I primarily read Batman comics; I doubt I read anything else. I never got too caught up in comics, though, because any interest I had was soon supplanted by my obsession for TV and movies. To me, they seemed infinitely more satisfying, and easier to follow. And they still do.

However, this year I've found myself going to the comic book stores more and more. Mainly because Joss Whedon, the creator of Buffy, Angel, and Firefly - possibly my three favorite fictional stories ever - has now expanded these universes into the comic book medium. Now, to be honest, there have already been Buffy and Angel comics floating around, and I never paid them any mind. Mostly because Joss himself wasn't writing them. At this time, the respective shows were still on the air (or in production of the movie, as with the continuation of Firefly). And Joss was involved in other comics, including a series called Fray and his take on the X-Men. But I never looked into those. Just not all that interested.

But then my shows ended. Firefly was taken off the air before I ever watched it; I caught it late on DVD, then saw the movie, which was awesome. Buffy ended the same year as Firefly, and went out in spectacular form. Angel was cancelled the following year, which was a travesty because it left all of the main characters in a precarious position in the final moments. Now, the TV series finale was awesome, and symbollicaly it was an excellent way for the show to go out, which made it less of a cliffhanger and more of an inevitability. However, myself and millions of others wanted to know what happend in that final battle, and got denied the chance. Similarly, although Firefly got made into a sweet-ass movie, it wasn't enough - there were so many stories left to be told, that just wouldn't, unless another movie comes out (which, at this point, doesn't seem all that likely.)

That is, until the comics came along. Not just comics telling side stories, actual canonical continuations written or supervised by Joss Whedon. Firefly came out with a three-issue set called "Those Left Behind" to bridge the gap between the end of the TV show and the start of the movie. Now a new series is set to come out in the spring called "Better Days," which I believe is also set prior to the beginning of the movie. In addition, a new graphic novel that tells the story of Book's past will also come out in the spring.

Joss also decided to continue Buffy in comics form, an official continuation referred to as Buffy Seaon 8, though it's not on television. So far there have been 8 issues, and have been relatively decent. I find that I still greatly prefer television to comics, and Buffy didn't really need to continue beyond its final TV episode, but...still good to see the familiar characters and universe that were so great on TV.

By contrast, I was extremely excited to hear the announcement of Angel: After the Fall, an official continuation of that show, which I felt really needed to continue so Joss could tell the story he intended. This isn't quite Angel Season 6, but something different - most of what was intended for that season is included, but the story is actually supposed to be much more epic in scope now, since there are no budget constraints on special effects, no problems with casting, none of the limitations a real TV show has. Of course, it has limitations specific to comics. The first issue was pretty good; rather than picking up directly where the season ended, it picks up in the near future, where some rather surprising issues with some of the characters have come up. It's still slightly hard to follow, as the writing isn't exactly "Point A, Point B, Point C." The writers (Joss and Brian Lynch) are trying not to reveal too much too early, and that's all well and good, but also leaves some genuine "What the fuck?" moments. All in all, good show, and issue 2 is out today.

So, although it's not perfect, comics have allowed the continuation of stories I love that got axed in television, which has led me into the world of comic book dorkery. It was inevitable, I suppose, but here I am.

Attention Motherfucker: Bring It

An open letter to the person who thought I hit their car, then left a profanity-filled note talking about how I was going to pay for it, which included no contact information or insurance information, and left before I got back:

Prove it.

I didn't hit your car. I had to park close to it because a snowbank had encroached on my spot. My door may have rested against your car when I opened it, but it did not scratch it. In fact, no part of my car scratched your car. You know how I can tell? Because there are no marks on my car whatsoever. If I had scratched up your car, as you claim, there would be some sort of mark on my vehicle. There's not. I've got the pictures to prove it.

You, on the other hand, have nothing. So come and get me, motherfucker.

The Most Nad-Mashing, Spine-Crunching Show on Television

I am referring, of course, to Ninja Warrior on the G4 channel, possibly the greatest thing to happen to television since "Dick in a Box." If you've never seen it (you poor bastards), let me break it down for you. Imagine an elaborate obstacle course testing your strength, agility, and endurance. Imagine four separate stages, and each is continually updated and revampted to further test the ability of the challengers. Imagine some absolutely incredible athletes in peak physical condition who become legitimate Ninja Warrior superstars through their repeated successes, who occasionally go nutty and build replica Ninja Warrior practice courses in their backyards for training purposes. Now imagine an assortment of other people from all walks of life who wish to challenge the grueling courses for themselves. Then throw in ridiculously enthusiastic announcer who exclaims every word in an overly-annunciated Japanese accent, and is not afraid to make vaguely inappropriate and often hilarious commentary.

Let me tell you, it's frickin' awesome.

Watching the true Ninja Warriors compete is amazing - the obstacles are ridiculous, and seeing them overcome is pretty sweet. Watching the common folk compete is generally pretty funny, because when someone fails, they plummet to the water in agony. And, for both the warriors and the commoners, there's always a fair amount of absolutely wicked-looking collisions and awkward tumbles. Some are funny, some are heart-breaking, especially when a competitor sinks to the water after nearly completing an obstacle.

G4 shows it like 12 hours a day, so it's hard to miss. I strongly encourage everyone to check it out.

When Calves Attack!

I've got massive calves. Let's not fuck around. I would estimate my calves to represent approximately 90% of my body mass (not including penis mass, of course. That's a whole separate entity). Now, generally my calves are a good thing. For one thing, they make a good conversation piece. Like when I go to the movies, and people behind me angrily ask why they can't see the screen, and I inform them it's just my calves. Then they're like, "Oh, yeah. Wow." Then they move away. Also, I've always been pretty athletic, and am pretty capable at most sports, despite my lack of technical skill in any of them. Being able to run fast or for long distances makes up for a lot, I've found. Particularly in soccer, which involves a whole lot of running and kicking.

However, every once in awhile, the calves revolt, as massive calves are wont to do. Specifically, they cramp up. Let me tell you, that's fucking scary shit. Once I was in a swimming pool at a YMCA, just kinda swimming by myself after a long day. I was just about to get out of the pool when all the sudden one of my calves cramped up. I literally could not move. I damn near drowned. I pretty much had to drag myself over to the wall and pull myself out of the water all by hand. Then, in my senior year of high school, I was playing in a soccer tournament, and I had not had enough water to drink that morning. Well, halfway into the second half I was chasing down an opponent who tried to dribble down the sideline. The moment I caught him, BOTH of my calves cramped up. I hit the floor. I couldn't move. My legs extended straight out, completely rigid, while the guy took the ball all the way down and scored.

It hadn't happened for awhile, but last night I had our last indoor soccer game of the season. We got through the game, a 9-1 shellacking because we did not have any substitutes. In other words, all six of us had to play all 50 minutes with no breaks except at halftime. Soon as the game was over, I walked to the sideline and attempted to remove my shoe. Only to have my left calve attack in force. Again, I was practically paralyzed from the waist down. I had to have my teammates drag me and all of my belongings out of the bench, then help me stretch my leg for like 10 minutes until it finally relaxed.

You know, it's kinda like having this giant pitbull, all bad-ass and powerful, who walks beside me and guards me against evil. I feed it, I strengthen it, and I'm damn proud of it. But every once in awhile the bastard turns on me and bites a chunk out of my unsuspecting ass.

Lesson the First

Things I've learned about the practice of criminal law so far:

1. Criminals make excellent return customers - Out of the approximately 20 clients I've had so far, most either start out with multiple cases or acquire an additional case (or 12) within a couple months.

2. DA's don't like to do any work - One of my clients had a preliminary hearing last week. When she had the audacity to go ahead with it rather than waive the hearing, the DA actually told that if she wanted the hearing he would go ahead and file another felony charge. True to his word, the bastard actually filed it. So, vindictive, lazy, or both?

3. Judges don't like criminals - Believe it or not. Especially those who commit 10 or more crimes, then whine when the judge wants them to sit in jail rather than on house arrest.

4. No one pays attention to motions - I'm still waiting on word regarding motions and demands I filed in September. I'm not keeping my fingers crossed. At this point, I feel like filing my "Motion to Dismiss Based on Imaginary Dragon," and see whether that gets me anywhere.

5. Criminals will lie to you - Either I'm an extremely trusting person, or my clients are damn convincing people. Either way, I've learned that every word a client says must be taken with a grain of salt that is approximately as large as your mom's hairy ass.

6. Caring about these people will ruin your life - Criminals or not, at the end of the day, they're just people. And people are sympathetic. Once you've heard their story, it's hard to say, "Yeah, you ought to sit in jail 'til your balls rot off." I don't like to see people lose their freedom, whether they deserve it or not. And when they do, I take it hard, as though I failed them somehow. Now I understand why criminal defense attorneys have to be assholes.

7. Disorderly Conduct can suck me - The most worthless statute I've ever seen in my life. It is the perfect law for prosecutors because absolutely any type of conduct they'd like to regulate can fall under 947.01. Let's break this bitch down a bit:
"Whoever, in a public or private place..." - This means it can occur anywhere on the face of the earth, including your own home.
"... engages in violent, abusive, indecent, profane, boisterous, unreasonably loud..." - Okay, so the law is limited to, well, pretty much any type of behavior when you're having a good time, including swearing, shouting, and cockslapping. But even if your particular behavior doesn't fall under one of those, it is still illegal if you can call it -
"...otherwise disorderly conduct..." - Otherwise disorderly? So, pretty much everything.
"... under circumstances in which the conduct tends to cause or provoke a disturbance." In other words, anything that provokes anyone in any way, or doesn't provoke someone but theoretically could, then it is illegal.
HOW THE FUCK IS THIS NOT OVERBROAD???

8. Being my own boss is as frightening as it is awesome - I set my own hours, I answer to no one. Bad-ass doesn't begin to describe that feeling. However, there is also no one to reign me in when I consider my "Motion to Dismiss Based on Imaginary Dragon" -type motions. No one to tell me that's a bad idea, or that I need to state certain things on the record, or that the outcome I'm looking for is probably illegal. It's just me. And it's kinda scary.

Well, anyway, that's what I've learned so far. Important lessons to take into my own business, where I shall continue my vendetta against disorderly conduct, file frivolous and outlandish motions, and try not to care when my clients (deservedly) go down in flames...

Favoritism

So I watch a lot of television. That's no secret. I've already reviewed my favorite shows - Buffy, Angel, the West Wing, Firefly, Veronica Mars, Battlestar Galactica, Lost, Alias, Smallville (kinda), and Heroes. Also, though I never reviewed it, the new version of Dr. Who on the BBC (the first season, anyway - the next DVD's havent' arrived yet). After watching these shows over and over and over, I have compiled a list of my favorite episodes of all time. My favorites, mind you, not the best episodes ever. Although, I chose these episodes with an eye toward what I felt best represented the strengths of each series.

Major spoilers abound if you haven't watched these shows, of course. Also, many of these are two-part episodes, and I included both parts (even though, generally, part 2 is always better and more important) because that's how the story was told. These are in no particular order, and not a complete list yet. I will probably put up 15 or so, and I will update this list as soon as I decide on my other favorites.

That said, here we go:

- Doctor Who - The Parting of the Ways - Season 1, Episode 12

For those of you unfamiliar with this British phenomenon, Dr. Who is a time-traveller who ventures back and forth through time to save humanity from various dastardly villains. Chief among them are the Daleks, a ridiculous-looking yet still terrifying race of robots, whom the Doctor had supposedly wiped out during the Time War. After a season's worth of thrills with his new companions Captain Jack and would-be love interest Rose, the Doctor learns that not only are the Daleks back, but they have Rose captive and are about to invade earth. The Doctor faces a choice of whether to wipe out the Daleks once more and destroy every single being on earth in the process in order to save all the other planets from the inevitable Dalek invasion. Heavy stuff, and well-acted as ever by the gleefully manic and intense Christopher Eccleston (also Claude on Heroes) as the Doctor.

- Angel - Lullaby (pts 1 & 2) - Season 3, Episodes 8 & 9

This show featured a vampire with a soul who, after a life of ruthlessly and sadistically killing humans, chose to atone for his crimes by protecting people from demons. The theme of redemption was prevalent throughout the 5 season this show aired, and none moreso than Season 3. Just when Angel had gotten everything on track, and finally had a glimmer of happiness come into his life, his horrific past came back to haunt him. Two centuries prior, Angel and his vampiric love, Darla, had terrorized a noble demon hunter and killed his children. Now, through some mystical miracle, Angel was about to have a son of his own. Queue the return of the demon hunter, who made a deal with a demon to travel two centuries in the future to finally exact his revenge, arriving just when Angel's own son was about to be born. The final moments are breath-taking.

- West Wing - Posse Comitatus - Season 3, Episode 22

The brilliant political drama's third season finale found Jed Barlett in the midst of a presidential re-election campaign, and tackled the heavy question of whether it is acceptable to use force in the absence of authorizing law. For a man dedicated to serving the people and upholding the law, Bartlett found himself struggling with the question of how to deal with a known terrorist who was essentially above capture by legal or diplomatic means. This episode also presented Jed's face to face meeting with his opponent for president, as well as the shocking murder of CJ's secret service protector, with Jeff Buckley's haunting rendition of "Hallelujah" in the background.

- Firefly - Serenity (pts 1 & 2) - Season 1, Pilot

For some ungodly reason, the FOX executives decided that the original pilot for Firefly did not have enough action, so they decided to air it out of order, skipping this two-part episode and airing "Train Job" first. This, of course, was the worst decision ever made by anyone since Hitler decided to launch a winter invasion of Russia (itself the worst decision ever made by anyone since Napoleon tried the same thing). To me, the original pilot for Whedon's space opera still stands as a perfect encapsulment of the show. Plenty of action, plenty of character development, and so many classic moments, it felt like a mini-movie unto itself. Mal shooting the horse. Mal shooting the Alliance agent without any hesitation. Mal pretending that Kaylee had died, as a wicked practical joke on Simon. Absolutely perfect.

More to come...

The Perils of Hunting Cheney

Here's to not knowing when to quit. Presidential candidate and noted leprechaun Dennis Kucinich has proposed a resolution to impeach Vice President Cheney. That resolution is now headed to the House Judiciary Committee for further deliberation. This impeachment resolution alleges "high crimes and misdemeanors" by Cheney in the events leading up to the Iraq war. For those of us who have been counting the minutes until the Bush/Cheney (debacle) ticket expires, this is great news, right?

Well, no. I'm not even talking about the fact that it won't work. Seriously, let's say it did - that Cheney was voted out on his ass. Big blow to the GOP, right? I mean, Bush is still in the high seat, but at least the devil on his shoulder is cast back to the pit where he belongs, right? If nothing else, it's a moral victory.

If I'm not mistaken, "moral victory" in this case would be about the equivalent of "Pyrrhic victory." Kicking Cheney out now won't do any good. We can't undo the past by tagging Cheney's fat ass. At this point, there is no point. Not only that, it could make things much, much worse.

What I'm more worried about, other than simply an empty victory, is the fact that the White House would need a new VP. That means some Republican would be elevated to the Vice Presidency. Is this what we want, now, at the beginning of a presidential election campaign when the GOP really doesn't have all that strong of a front-runner? It's still damn early in the campaign - anything can happen at this point. So forcing the current VP out runs the risk of elevating another stalwart Republican with eyes on the nation's throne into an executive office position of leadership. Good idea.

Now, say what you will about the whether there's actual power in the VP position. I don't think the VP's such an empty shirt role anymore. What more evidence do you need that the VP position has real power than Cheney? If he were just some guy waiting for the President to die so he could take the starting spot, would people really be out for blood right now trying to bring him down?

Maybe the GOP doesn't have anyone ready who could step into the VP spot, and would also be a legitimate presidential candidate. But I don't think that's a risk worth taking to find out. I say if you want a change in leadership, swallow the bitter pill of waiting for this one to expire and concentrate your efforts on ensuring that something better replaces them.

Felons!!

Vice just picked up his first felony (client) today. Preliminary Hearing set for Thursday morning. First evidentiary hearing I've had since I entered the defense game.

Also, I'll start posting more soon. I've been working much harder than I'd care to lately, leaving me little time. I'm readying a list of top 10-15 favorite television episodes, though. Be warned.

Vice Law Offices, S.C. : Serving Your Mom Since 2007

Well it's official - no one wants to hire me. That's fine. I say screw you guys, I'm going home. By "home," I am of course referring to my own business. I'm sorry it's come to this, but it had to happen sooner or later. So here's to being my own boss, setting my own hours, and hopefully working with a bad-ass partner.

25

Well, that was one bad-ass quarter of a century. It's a pretty amazing thing to be able to look back and say that each year has been better than the year before it, but that's where I'm at right now. And although the traditional Devil's Lake hiking trip didn't happen due to some inappropriately scheduled rain, the weekend was pretty sweet. Except, of course, for the ass-whipping the Bager received. But after that - a trip through a giganimous corn maze with Mr. Ismael, Dr. Utah, and Ms. PH, which was awesome. Then we played Dread Pirate, a game which basically consists of pillaging, skirmishing, and mounds of gold.

Yesterday, the assembled Superfriends (minus RPM and The San Who Shall Not Be Named, unfortunately) ate breakfast at Bluephies, played indoor minigolf at Vitense, played a massive game of RISK, watched the Packers defeat some sort of Indian tribe, and ate Butterfinger cake and ice cream. Then I spent some quality time with a bad-ass hippopotamus, read a (muh'fuckin') book, watched some Buffy, and called it a night.

The only downside about 25ism? No more health care. Assholes.

On the plus side, I can run for Congress now if I get bored doing other stuff.

Burn!

I called Charter today to see if they could help fix our internet connection, because we've had little to no signal for nearly a week. So when I get on the phone with the lady and give her my information, the first thing she says is "You're going to have to give me a moment, my computer's being slow."

I was this close to responding, "Ah, I see you also have Charter."

Watch Your Cornhole, Buddy

So for those of you who use gmail, do you know how when you're checking an email message, to the right of the message google has placed links to things that are similar to the contents of your message? For example, when I have messages that are law-related, it places links to law firms, or when one message discusses cats, there are links to cat declawing or cat rescue.

Well, in a recent message which made references to a corn maze, google gave me links to "cornhole4sale.com" and "cornholeoutlet.com."

Uh....thanks, but no thanks.....

Awesome and Great!

Here is the actual jingle that was just used on a promo for ABC:

"Make a man date
For Tuesday at 8
Cavemen and Carpoolers are
awesome and great!!"

I can't even begin to describe how much hatred is coursing through my veins right now. It's the kind of feeling that makes people start to think that genocide is an acceptable practice. Say, for example, if ABC ad executives could be considered a separate race of people. This jingle only has four lines, and three of them are atrocities against creativity. First of all, "man date?" Second, Cavemen? Third and finally, "awesome and great?"

I've got more creativity in a single strand of ball hair than these fuckers do in their whole advertising department.

Game On

Let the battle commence! If you've kept up, you'll know I'm referring to that big case I'm working on where we've been challenging the constitutionality of statutes left and right, and winning, surprisingly enough. Let me recap: first there was the defamation charge, which the State conceded was unconstitutional. Then we took a shot in the dark at the identity theft charge, and, to my utter astonishment, we won that too, and the judge dismissed. Apparently not knowing when they were completely outmatched, the State appealed immediately. While they worked on that, I set my sights on another charge, decided I didn't like that either (factual grounds, not constitutional), and filed a Motion to Destroy. Once again, the State conceded I was right. And thus fell three of six charges.

Don't call it a comeback, folks - the State filed its appellate brief about a month ago. Upon initial reading, I wanted to cry. They had two arguments, both of which seemed dead-on. But I preservered, and for the past couple weeks I have been busting my ass to, yet again, create the law I as I wish it.

Well, now it's done.

And let me tell you, it's actually pretty damn good. My last brief on this charge was pretty lame, to be honest - it was mostly misdirection and logic-leaping. Put another way, it was much like the Underpants Gnomes business plan:

Step 1 - The defamation statute is unconstitutional.
Step 2 - ???
Step 3 - Therefore, the identity theft statute is also unconstitutional.

This time, however, I was actually able to come up with something. For several reasons, I think - partially because of the trial court judge's unbelievably favorable ruling, partially because the way the statute applies to the facts is slightly more favorable than originally thought, and partially because I found some relatively decent caselaw. So now it's all set to go, with my name included on the cover and everything.

Now the AG gets another chance to reply, then it's off to the Court of Appeals. Possibly the Supreme Court, if they agree to bypass.

Time for Thunderdome. I don't really expect to win, but holy balls if we did.....

Good Enough For Me

(Sniff) What's that I smell? (sniff) Caselaw? (sniff sniff) Favorable caselaw? (sniff sniff) Relatively-on-point? You've got to be kidding me. (sniff) Published favorable relatively-on-point caselaw? Weird. Ooh, what's that? (sniff) Federal? Nice. Oh, wait... (sniff) New Hampshire? Thats...kinda like a state, right?

Fuck it. It's going in.

Beach Cats

It's official - after months of cat-not-having, we now have approximately two cats in the apartment. Their names are Emmy and Maggie, both are females. Emmy is a dark gray color, while Maggie is gray and white. They are both supercute, and friendly.

I have to say, the best part about having cats so far is having watched Maggie stare down a stuffed purple unicorn for nearly fifteen minutes. The unicorn, of course, never blinked, so Maggie became pretty unnerved, and repeatedly backed away in fear. Then she would peak her head back out, stare down the unicorn again, until again becoming wary of its fearsome appearance and backing away.

Charity

I took an appointed case for a young woman a couple months back, and that case is now resolved. Her mother was a codefendant in the case, and she was at her daughter's hearing. The mother did not have an attorney. Her own pretrial came up, and now she asked if I could represent her. This was two days prior to the hearing, mind you. I thought fuck it - I've read the police reports, I know the facts, I don't need to do any investigation. Just a phone call to the DA, a brief appearance at the hearing, and it would be over. I decided to take it pro bono.

I called the DA to negotiate. She couldn't talk to me because she thought I had a conflict of interest. Fine, that's fair. So I got a written waiver of conflict of interest from the mother.

Today I go to the hearing. Stand there for an hour, because the DA's can't find the file. Finally they get it, and ask to speak with me. Then the DA says she can't speak with me about the case because I have a conflict of interest. I told her I got a written waiver. She says I need one from the other client too, and explains how there could be all sorts of things that could happen if one testifies and says something against the other's interest, or I bring up something said in confidence said by one. Okay, I suppose that could theoretically happen, but how is that the DA's problem? Isn't that my problem?

Whatever. I tell them I can get the waiver no problem. They say I still might not be able to represent her. Nigga what? "You should call the Ethics Hotline," she says. Aw, helllllllll no. Don't fucking tell me I need to get waivers, but if I get waivers, you still can't speak to me.

Mind you, I'm just being a nice guy here. I'm not getting paid. I just wanted to help her out. Fact is, IF I do any more work on this case, and I get a waiver and the DA still won't talk to me, I'll cockslap her so hard her teeth fall out.

Lesson learned: Don't ever try to help people.

Worst of the Worst

I watch a lot of movies, as anyone who has read this blog knows. Admittedly, I watch a lot of bad movies in my search for the good ones. And in the realm of sci fi/fantasy, my personal favorite, there is no shortage of badness. Watching bad movies isn't always a bad thing, of course. You've got your "so bad it's good" category, which includes Snakes on a Plane and Doom, among others. As an aspiring writer in the field of sci fi/fantasy, I also benefit from seeing bad movies just so that I can learn from their mistakes (Underworld, Bloodrayne, I'm looking at you here).

Compare, for example, Grindhouse and Shoot 'Em Up. Grindhouse, as I've said, was amazing. Made with the specific intent to be laughably bad, these movies embraced the badness and went for sheer entertainment value. I can respect that. The action was over-the-top and often pretty cool (particularly with Planet Terror), the plots were intentionally terrible, and all of it was pretty funny. By contrast, Shoot 'Em Up was a movie I'd hoped would fall into the first category, but ended up firmly in the second. It looked like it would be a smart, hip take on the mindless action movie, both an ode to action and a satire of action. Instead, it was just a failure. First, it wasn't funny. For a movie that was clearly made tongue-in-cheek, the writers have little to no sense of humor. Bad puns and air-quote "witty" remarks abound. Sure, make a line or two completely groan-inducing; don't make EVERY FUCKING ATTEMPT AT HUMOR groan-inducing. It's like they wrote up a script with a bunch of "insert joke here" lines, filled them in temporarily with bad jokes, then forgot to revise them before filming. And don't get me started on the whole gun control message. This movie should have had no plot; it would have been much better for it. Don't give me a plot - not in this type of movie. Just put me in the middle of some whiz-bang action, and send me on my way. That's all they had to do. But instead they tacked on some leftist political crap. It's like they wanted to celebrate gun violence and admonish gun violence at the same time. Frankly, it was fucking offensive to me as a viewer. Still, I could learn from those mistakes, and some of the action was passable, even entertaining. That's why I wouldn't rate this movie below a C- or D+.

But there are other movies -- unspeakably bad movies, where the badness has no redeeming value. Sometimes, to borrow a phrase, the movie is simply an unmitigated crap-gargle. And today I will list the worst of the worst. My worst of the worst, mind you; there are many necessarily bad movies I have never seen, and will not be on this list. For instance, I have never (and will never) watched any of the following:

Gigli
Norbit
Little Man
Glitter
Big Mama's House 2
Daddy Day Camp

With that caveat, here are the worst movies I have ever seen:

5. Judge Dredd
Laughably bad. The thing was, I expected this to be pretty good at the time. I was way wrong. "I am the law!" still cracks me up, though.

4. Catwoman
Saw this in the theater against my will. If you haven't seen it, I can't begin to describe how bad the plot is. I mean you've got Catwoman, a superhero, essentially, taking on...what? Sharon Stone, evil cosmetics lady? Um...why? And how is this lady supposed to be able to fight Catwoman? Because the makeup makes her face really strong? Seriously, that's what they came up with. Snore.

3. Van Helsing
What do you get when you combine the greatest and most memorable monsters ever created, a legendary badass monster fighter, a couple of decent stars, and a huge budget? Gypped. If this movie had ANY semblance of decent plot, or ANY semblance of story development, this could have been awesome. Instead, it sucked mega balls.

2. Ultraviolet
Not much I can say that I haven't already said about this one. Suffice it to say, this was one of the most monumentally stupid and plothole-leaden movies ever made. I wanted to fashion a rope out of my Twizzlers and hang myself, but there weren't enough in the bag.

1. Freddy Got Fingered
Hands down, the worst I've ever seen. Descriptions fail me. Oh hell, I'll give it a shot. Imagine your grandmother, right? Imagine nailing each of her hands and feet to a wall, then stabbing her in the neck with a broken shard of glass until her head falls off, then having sex with her severed head. That's about what watching this movie is like. (And, I'm told, that is actually one of the deleted scenes) Tom Green's writing process on this movie must have been something like this: "What is the most horrifying thing I can think of? That will be the next scene. Then, what could possibly be worse than what I just came up with? That will be the following scene." And so on, and so on.

Never, ever, ever watch this movie.

I'm Just About to Revoke Your Face

Remember how nobody at the Division of Juvenile Corrections ever seemed to, oh, let's say, work? Well, you'll be pleased to know it's not just the juvenile division. I've got a probation revocation case, and I need to view the guy's probation file, because that's where absolutely everything I need to know about this case is located. So I call the guy's probation officer. No answer. Left a message. Didn't return my call. Called him a couple days later, left a message. Didn't return my call. Sent him an email. Didn't return my email. Called him again today, 10:30 am. No answer. Left a message. Tried his supervisor. Supervisor's out until Friday (when, I assume, he will return and will put in a full day's work, from 9-10 am, then call it the weekend). I called the main office where this guy works. No answer.

What the fuck is wrong with you people? I mean, do you do anything whatsoever?

So This is What My Life Has Become

What does it say about me when, the moment I get off the phone with my mom, I start calculating how many tenths of an hour the call lasted, then try to figure out who I can bill that time to?

Anyone?

Anyone know the name of that book, you know the one that has all the caselaw that is controlling authority, completely on point, and supports your position 100%? Because I could use that right now.

Hell, I'd take the name of the book with the caselaw that's marginally on point, makes vague statements that could plausibly be interpreted to support even one of my arguments, and is mildly persuasive. If anyone knows the name of that book, I'll take that too.

Hard Knock Life

If I just heard that correctly, my boss, who takes approximately 8 weeks of vacation per year, and who just got back from another week in sunny South Carolina, just complained that his vacation was too short, and that once he got back he had so much shit to do. He said that vacations really aren't worth it unless you can take 2-3 months off at a time.

And I'm like "Yeah, things are tough all over."

Suck On That!

Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I am free at last!! I have been working on TAXES for the past 5 hours, struggling desperately through form after form trying to figure out how much I owe in Estimated Taxes. Apparently if tax is not taken out of your income when you receive it, the government wants you to pay the tax in quarterly installments. This is particularly applicable to those who are self-employed or independent contractors (both of which I kind of am, as of August of this year). Also, it seems that once you're self-employed, you owe twice as much in taxes because the employer and employee each pay a share, and now you're both. Fuckin' A, right?

Plus I also collected a paycheck in January that didn't have tax taken out, and didn't realize that type of thing requires you to pay the tax quarterly, rather than at the end of the year. And if you don't pay quarterly, or if you don't pay enough, the IRS hits you with penalties. So already I have a problem - I didn't pay on that earlier amount. Great.

The next quarterly payment is due September 17, so I've been working diligently trying to figure out what I owe, and what to do about the other thing I owe. There's a 1040 form for Estimated Tax, complete with a worksheet. I got it, and started working on that. But then, they wanted equal payments across the four quarters, whereas I had an amount in the first quarter, nothing in the second quarter, another amount in the third, and I will probably have a lot more in the fourth. There is something called the Annualized Installment Method, which allows for an uneven dispersal, go I got that form. That form also has its own worksheet. So I start working on the worksheet...

And it is kicking my ass. Hardcore. I keep finding different little things I need to take into account. Like, there's a self-employment deduction of half your income. Then there's a social security tax, which may or may not apply. Plus, you're supposed to only take 92.35% of your income as your net income, rather than the whole amount. Then you multiply it by crazy figures called "Annualized Amounts," for each of the different periods. I shit you not, the numbers for the different periods in one category are 0.116, 0.0696, 0.0435, and 0.029. And you've got me by the balls if you want to know what the significance of any single annualized amount is. Then, after laboring through those numbers, you subtract other numbers, multiply by more numbers, add the last two numbers together, and take the cosign of the square root of the parafractor of your mom's maiden name, then stick that up your ass and carry the seven. Apparently that's how you calculate your adjusted gross income.

But then, when you take the outcome of that whole series of events and plug it into the next chart, do I add in the income that has already had tax withheld and include that in my calculations? Otherwise I start ending up with like -$8000 in some columns. I assume the IRS isn't looking for a -$8000 payment from me at any point, and things look wrong. Subtract your exemption amount, and your education expense -- but subtract that in every quarter? I only paid that once a year, and the deduction only gets deducted once a year.....

And then my mind explodes. The IRS wants my soul. They can't have it.

I've got this chart, right? And it's getting more and more ridiculous. I want desperately to figure this out myself - I've already invested so much time, plus I'm a lawyer, I'm intelligent, I can figure this shit out myself, right? Right...I've already considered breaking down and going to H&R Block. But I'm told they want money to help me. Plus I'd have to set up an appointment, with the deadline approaching. And that could take days. Days I don't have.

So then I think "Fuck it - I just won't pay now, and I'll get hit with the penalty when I file my regular taxes." But I imagine it won't be a small penalty. Plus, I already got hit with a parking ticket today for some bullshit, and I hate (HATE) giving the government money for penalties on principle. No way am I paying a penalty.

Back to the drawing board. These are the times that try men's souls, and I will not cede mine to some incoherent IRS computations and paperwork. So, as I start working my formula again, something catches my eye in the "Who has to pay" section. I've already read it a couple times, and it almost certainly applies to me, since about 3/4 of the tax I will owe won't be withheld. I check the first condition, and it still applies to me. Fine.

Second condition, and BOTH conditions have to apply in order for me to be required to pay Estimated Tax. Number 2 is a two-parter - I have to determine if my withheld income is smaller than the lesser of either (a) 90% of my 2007 tax or (b) 100% of my 2006 tax. Obviously it's not smaller than (a) -- again, only about 1/4 of my tax will be withheld this year. However, by a stroke of luck, the amount that's been withheld this year is already greater than the full amount of last year's withholdings.

Jigga what? That means.....

FUCK YOU, ESTIMATED TAX. GAME OVER.

To the IRS, I'll see you boys in April, just like usual. And if you try to jack me on this, I'm going to get the mop out.

Treason This! (Points to Genitals)

So every state has its share of anachronistic laws. Most the legislature just forgets about, then never makes an effort to change. For example, this state must have had a big problem with people stealing (or at least claiming title to) sunken logs on submerged state lands. How else to explain Wis. Stat. section 170.12? Or how about Wis. Stat. section 172.08, an entire section dedicated to the procedure for dealing with rams that escape their enclosures between July 15 and December 1 of the same year. And if you're interested, the owner of the stray ram has to forfeit $10 for every time that slippery bastard gets away and taken up by someone else. By the way, it's perfectly cool to take up an unclaimed ram, provided you post notice with the town clerk. The owner of the ram can then pay his $10 plus a hefty $0.50 (that's right, fifty cents) for the clerk's fees to get the bugger back.

With that in mind, I'm keeping an open eye for any other old school statutes. And on a hot tip from a hot lady, I checked out Wisconsin's treason statute. Yeah, you heard me, Wisconsin has its own treason statute. It reads as follows:

946.01 Treason.
(1) Any person owing allegiance to this state who does any of the following is guilty of a Class A felony:
(a) Levies war against this state; or
(b) Adheres to the enemies of this state, giving them aid and comfort.
(2) No person may be convicted of treason except on the testimony of 2 witnesses to the same overt act, or on the person's confession in open court.

So many questions.....let's start with these:

1. How do we know when we "owe allegiance" to this state? Do you have to be born here, or just move here, or have relatives here? What if you have none of the above, but you still root for the Bager?
2. Can individuals declare war against their own state? For that matter, can we declare war on other states? For instance, what if I wanted to send the calvary north west to sweep through and conquer Minnesota, while sumultaneously sailing my fleet across Lake Michigan and wiping those fuckers out?
3. What constitutes "war" for this statute? Can I bust out the nerf guns and paper airplanes, or do I need a real arsenal? Or will a war of words count?
4. What do they mean by "adheres to?" Like, physically sticks to? Like those shows where somebody gets propelled by a catapult and flung against a wall coated with some weird sticky substance? Because that's the image I'm getting.
5. Who constitutes "enemies" of the state of Wisconsin? Simply based on collegiate and professional athletics, at a minimum the Axis of Evil would include Michigan (UM), Ohio (Ohio State), Minnesota (Vikings), Illinois (Bears), Texas (Cowboys), and K-Fed. What about specific groups or specific people?
6. What does "giving them comfort" mean? It sounds kinda dirty. Like "Hey Minnesota, you look like you've had a hard day, what with Wisconsin consistently kicking your ass in everything, including number of lakes, sports competitions, and having fewer Minnesotans. Why don't you rest your head on my shoulder, and I'll make you feel good..."

Also, if you check this statute out, note that the Legislature updated it in 1993. That's right, this is the text approved by the legislature as recently as 14 years ago. So what did they change? The language in 946.01(2) which used to read "on his confession in open court," so that it is now gender neutral.

Huh. Seems like the statute has bigger problems than gender confusion. Such as the very fact of its existence. This is why I want to go into politics. So that one day I can say "Sure, this bill is nonsensical, anachronistic, and abundantly retarded, but at least it's politically correct."

Prior to that day, however, I declare war on the State of Wisconsin. Why? Well, uh...it's going to snow at some point, that pisses me off. Plus, the Boston Market on the West side closed, and the nearest one is now in fuckin' Brookfield. What kind of state leaves you at an hour's drive from the nearest BM? Assholes.

So that's it. The guantlet's been thrown. Come and get me.

Business As Usual

Suddenly I've got a bunch of new clients, as well as the potential for clients that would actually be paying me directly. Now I've got to think about the whole business aspect of things, like fee retainers, malpractice insurance, letterhead.....

Anyone want to go into business with me? First step is to start a company. I'm thinking something along the lines of "Chuck Norris Law Offices," or "Justice, Ltd."

Holy Cliched Claptrap, Batman!

Do not, do not, do NOT let anyone force you into watching High School Musical. I watched it last night with KH and little sister, and going in I kind of wanted to see it. I remember enjoying TV shows and movies about high school, and even now I can enjoy them, to an extent. And I can appreciate a good musical. So I thought that based on this show's popularity, it must be something witty and fresh and insightful.

Um, no.

It's from the Disney Channel. I did not know that beforehand. I also didn't realize how patently stupid it could be. I mean, I'll take this with a grain of salt -- it's aimed at people probably 10 years younger than me. But 10 years ago, I would still have found this insulting to my intelligence. Sure, high schools have cliques, and stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. But I've never seen such a ridiculously stereotyped view of high school. Ever.

Basically this story is about a bunch of one-dimensional characters desperate to prevent other characters from becoming two-dimensional. There's a whole theme of being who you are, but the portrayal is unrealistic to the point of laughable. Every character is assigned one trait. At more than one point in the show, the male lead actually laments, "I don't want to just be basketball guy." Seriously. In other shows, you get stereotypical labels, and the defining characteristics that go along with that label. Not here. All you get is what you do. Jocks play sports. Grunge kids dress like grunge kids. Smart kids participate in science competitions. And that about covers it.

So when basketball guy and science girl decide they want to try singing, the whole school flips out. Other people start to develop a second character trait. Random Jock also likes to bake. Grunge Kid #1 plays the viola. Fat chick likes hip hop dancing. Oooh...but that's all they do. It's like the writers thought they needed to boil this concept down to the most simple terms possible for their target audience to understand. Did kids get a whole lot stupider in the past decade or so? Judging by the rampant popularity of this movie (and its sequel), I'd have to say yes.

I'd love to sit and pick out the individual points I thought were really maddening, but I'd be here all day. I've already wasted too much time on this post. I really intended just to make it three lines long, but I felt it needed context. Anyway, don't watch the movie.

Once Again It's On

I applied to you once before. It was a position that I was more qualified for than any I've applied for. I was told the interview process would be simple, that anyone who's not a total idiot makes it past the first screening interview. I went to the screening interview, and it was probably the best interview I've ever had. Then I got a letter saying you were sorry, that I would not be getting another interview. Huh.

That was a pretty strong kick in the nuts, considering I know some of the people you've hired in the past, and, while there are some notably badass exceptions, more than a few are completely incompetent. I never found out for sure why I didn't get another interview; I was too bitter to call and find out.

Now you've begun accepting applications again. Best believe you can expect to see me. For real, this time.

Three Down

This just in - Attorney General Alberto "I Have No Respect For the Constitution" Gonzales has just resigned, adding to the list of key players in the Bush regime who have resigned this year, which includes former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, and former Puppetmaster General Karl Rove. Let's look back at the highlights of Gonzales's tenure as chief prosecutor for the United States:

a. Warrantless wiretapping and eavesdropping = okay.

b. Lying to the House and Senate Judiciary Committees = okay.

c. Civil rights for detainees of Guantanamo Bay = not okay.

d. Firing U.S. Attorneys for purely political reasons = okay.

e. Trying to manipulate a hospitalized and barely coherent former AG into reauthorizing the wiretapping bill over the acting AG's orders = okay.

f. The right of habeus corpus = nonexistent.

So why resign now? I guess if you take all your orders from Karl Rove and Rove resigns his post, there just isn't much left for you to do. Or maybe Gonzales figured his assault on the rule of law just wasn't working as well as he had hoped.

Anyway, to you Mr. Gonzales, farewell and good riddance.

What Are You Still Doing Here?

At this point, complaining about President Bush's screwups has become pretty pointless. There will be no impeachment; driving around with an "Impeach Bush/Cheney" bumper sticker is akin to driving around with an "elect Dukakis/Bentsen in '88" sticker. In other words, get over it -- it's not happening. Even with election season just around the corner, the hard reality is that we've still got 14 more months of him (19 if you count the two months until the newly elected president gets sworn in and Bush officially leaves). So we've got a solid year left of Bush continuously one-upping himself in making the worst decisions possible. Every time I hear the latest Bush policy, I think to myself "That's the worst idea I've ever heard," but then he always does himself one worse the next time. So it's hard to complain about each one, because you know the next will be that much worse.

Today, however, I find the need to say something. This isn't the worst thing ever, but it's pretty damn insulting. I'm referring to a recent Bush speech where he argued that we ought to stay in Iraq, and as his support, reasoned that we should have stayed longer in Vietnam. No wait, there's more. He gave this speech in front of the Veterans of Foreign Wars.

There are several ways you can interpret those statements, no doubt. But personally, if I had been one of the veterans at that speech, I probably would have interpreted it thusly: "If only we had stayed in Vietnam.....more of you fine folks would be dead right now."

I'm not sure I've ever witnessed such a brashly selective view of history. First, he ignored practically every lesson to be learned from Vietnam (such as don't engage in foreign wars based on political ideology rather than an actual security threat), downplayed the whole "quagmire" possibility and charged into an ill-prepared and ill-designed war. Then, once the whole thing goes to shit, when we're stuck without any real solution, when hundreds of thousands of lives have already been lost - THEN he looks at Vietnam. I'll be damned.

I'll admit, the American withdrawal from Vietnam was poorly executed, and resulted in some pretty serious problems such as destabilization and countless refugees that needed to flee the area. And yes, it does have a strong paralell to what is happening in Iraq today. And by no means am I saying we ought to be high-tailing it out of Iraq, because I have no idea what the best solution is. But for the love of Christ, is he really that ballsy to bring Vietnam out NOW and throw it in our faces as a reason to support him, after we've practically shouted VIET-FUCKING-NAM at him for years and years? Apparently, yes.

Maybe it doesn't matter at this point. Maybe, like the article says, it's just a last ditch gambit for a president with nothing to lose. I guess there's no such thing as negative-credibility. But still... I never ceased to be amazed at the depths this man is willing to sink to.

A Reason To Watch Heroes Again

Last year's abysmal season finale of Heroes left many of us contemplating whether we would even watch the next season, or at least left us looking forward to the season with a disinterest bordering on complete apathy. For one thing, they were rumored to not be starting the season until January or February like many other serialized shows (Lost, Battlestar Galactica, 24, Your Mom's a Horcrux, etc.). Apparently that's changed, and they will be starting up this fall again, but still....I, for one, was losing interest real fast.


Now, however, I have a reason to watch. Heroes has announced that they have just added Kristen Bell to the cast as an enigmatic new character. For those of you unaware, Kristen Bell was the titular star of the recently cancelled series Veronica Mars. She also happens to be my favorite actress on television. Or possibly anywhere, for that matter. For starters, she has serious acting ability, and can be play anguished and dramatic equally well as hilarious and goofballish. She's got mad sarcasm skillz, and is damn cute to boot.

So, you can bet I'll be watching when Heroes picks back up for Season 2. Let's just hope they give Bell a character worth playing, and the viewers an apology for spitting on us during the finale.

Wanted: Experienced Lyger Trainer

Cruising the job bank today, I found a posting by the Department of Corrections for an Administrative Specialist. Now, this is a non-legal position so I figured I wouldn't apply, but I decided to at least look at it since it is tangentially related to criminal law. The posting is pretty standard, until you get to the listing of job knowledge and abilities they want. At this point, you find out that whoever drafted this posting is a big Napoleon Dynamite fan. The following is an excerpt from the requirements:

"Job Knowledge, Skills and Abilities:

Extensive skills in using and maintaining confidential information.*
Extensive telephonic skills.*
Skills in oral communication sufficient to relate to professionals, managers and the general public.*
Conflict resolution skills.*
Organizational skills.*
Skills in written communications to prepare well organized and coherent correspondence.*
Skills in using automated information systems.*
Skills in hunting centaurs.*
Skills in using software, including Microsoft Word and Excel.*
Skills in using data to prepare reports.*
Record keeping skills.*
Computer hacking skills.*
Problem solving skills.*
Time management skills."

Okay, so I threw in a couple extra there, and sure, they didn't spell "skills" with a 'z.' But I love the fact that, rather than just giving a general "Job Skills" heading and listing X, Y, and Z, they give a general "Job Skills" heading and still make sure to include the word "skills" in every requirement. So either the DoC places a premium on redundancy or the poster had a little fun on this one.

For the Record

If you notice a fairly large bruise under my chin, the giant bandage on my knee, and the band-aids on my palm and finger, to be clear, these injuries were all sustained in a recent ninja attack. I did not receive them while rollerblading way too fast down a hill, spinning around and smashing my jaw into the concrete in an astonishing display of rollerblading ineptitude. Any reports you here to the contrary are lies, all lies.

Forward

Having read Mr. Ismael's reflections on moving, I have to agree, the process is awful. Sorting through your old stuff, wondering why on earth you have most of that crap, deciding what needs to be kept, boxing it up and throwing out the rest, cleaning out the disgustingness, loading the boxes into a moving contraption, then unloading and unpacking everything you just boxed up - I can hardly think of a bigger pain in the ass. You're basically being forced to uproot your whole existence and move on in search for a better place. It's kinda like being a Native American, except without all the drinking.

The upside? I no longer live in a place I'm ashamed of, that I don't care what it looks like, and that I dread having to show to anyone. I now live in a place that I'm proud of, that I actually want to clean and keep nice, and that I'd love to have people over to see. Most of it is due to my girl's interior design mad skillz (for instance, getting things that match other things -- genius), which tend to make the apartment look pretty sweet. We're still lacking some furniture and other minor touches, but it is coming together nicely.

Even cooler -- everything works. Other than my parents house, I've lived in three dorms and two tiny apartments. (Plus KH's old apartment, which I frequented like a common squatter for awhile, before quasi- moving in, which I don't really count in my analysis.) I would always be lacking things, or things would break, just the basic modern conveniances, and it would be frustrating as hell. Even at KH's place, the lack of a dishwasher was maddening, and the shower was either haunted or just vindictive with the consistently freezing or scalding water temperature. Now, however, we have pretty much everything we need, except an in-home washer and dryer. But we've got plenty other amenities to make up for it, like the unbelievably handy patio door, and the fact that I can accidentally (and repeatedly) leave the car or apartment doors unlocked without worry of having it stolen/transientized.

So yeah, moving is exhausting, and it casts a depressing light on part of your life that is ending, but there is plenty to look forward to once the move is completed. Not just with the apartment, but with life in general. Just think of it this way -- you're leaving behind the parts of you that are unnecessary, carrying the best parts of you forward, and hopefully moving to a better place.

I Think I Need a Wheeliebag

So the strap on my computer case broke today. This makes five computer cases I've had, and on each one, either the clip holding the strap broke, or the clip physically ripped out of the lining of the case, making it impossible to use the strap. At this rate, I go through computer cases almost as fast as your mom goes through horsecock.

(Normally I would point out how badly I just burned your mom right now, but from what I hear, she's already burning.)

Apparently computer cases aren't meant to hold anything in addition to the laptop. Which is a problem for me, because I need it to hold several files, random papers, additional notebooks, some Rolos, my keys and wallet, and other things from time to time. Now, it may be my fault for putting all of this stuff in the case, but if I don't, where else will I put it? I need these things with me. I'm not going to carry a backpack in addition to my computer case. I've tried that, and its just awkward. As far as I'm concerned, I shouldn't have to haul multiple bags around when one should suffice.

I guess I'll just go back to carrying my laptop in my backpack, if I can clear some room. That, or I'll become part of the problem. I'll get a wheeliebag. No problems with straps breaking off there. I could even get like two or three bowling balls and drag them suckers around, smashing into people's legs, rolling over people's feet, and making sure to disrupt the flow of all pedestrian traffic in my wake.

Of course, I'd have to keep my guard up, because wheeliebags are a gateway drug to greater assholery. First wheeliebags, then I start spoiling the ends of movies, then I stop shaving and start ordering people not to eat meat, and next thing you know its pink shirts all over the place.

Ah yes. The path to the dark side takes one step at a time.

Read a Book, N*gga!

As an avid fan of hip hop, I'd be the first to admit that rap has really hit the skids lately. And by lately, I mean the past several years. To be perfectly honest, I've never really cared that much for the genre's lyrics -- the production is what hooks me. This is why I've never gotten much into the underground scene; the lyrics may be much more intelligent, but the production is comparatively lacking. I'll admit that I mostly listen to the mainstream -- Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube, etc., and although I think my favorites are better than the vast majority of mainstream rap, they're still mainstream, which equals a general lack of substance and often dumbed-down lyrics. So I tend to take the blatant violence, misogyny, criminal references, drug references, and straight-up stupidity with a grain of salt. If the beat knocks, I can generally overlook quite a bit of asinine lyrics.

For me, rap is all about the attitude -- confidence, charisma, defiance. Everyone's got an internal rhythm, and mine happens to be set to the beats of Dr. Dre, Timbaland, and Just Blaze. I don't know why; maybe it stems from a subconscious rebellion against the music of the area I grew up in (country) and the music of the people I grew up with (alternative and metal, primarily); or maybe its something deeper. I don't know. It's just a part of me.

Over the past couple of years, I've branched out a bit in my tastes and listen to a broader selection than I used to. However, I still tend to refrain from participating in discussions of music with my friends, primarily because (a) I don't know what music they're talking about, or (b) I don't understand it in the same way they do. Same way with my music - I don't talk to other people about it for those reasons. I also shy away from playing it around them for this reason, but another reason is that, as I've explained, most rap sounds stupid. If people don't feel the beats the same way I do, they'll just listen to the idiotic lyrics and dismiss it as terrible music. Which, of course, they have every right to do.

Still, I've got a recommendation for everyone. Check out the song "Read a Book" by Bomani "D'Mite" Armah. Better yet, check out the video for it on YouTube. At first glance, you'd swear this is by Lil Jon, and I had thought it was until this morning when I did a little digging. It's actually a parody of Lil Jon, or at least a parody of the Chappelle Show's take on Lil Jon.

So what's the song? Fucking brilliant, that's what. Rather than following the usual rap stereotypes, talking about dealing drugs, buying expensive cars, and having sex with as many women as possible, this song advises its listeners, among other things, to read a book, buy some land, raise your kids, and wear deoderant. Simple, certainly, but a positive message for once. Basically, the song is meant to be a satire of how terrible rap has become.

More importantly, the style of the song is brilliant. He does it in exactly Lil Jon's style - short, repetitive, and obscene lyrics. He even throws in the trademarked "Okaaaay!" at a choice moment. Plus, the song is set to a really cool orchestral arrangement. It's got these clashing elements of positive messages and orchestral backdrops versus seemingly dumbed-down and repetitive lyrics filled with obscenities. It's amazing.

I won't tell you the lines here; out of context it wouldn't be as funny, plus I wouldn't want to ruin the effect for if and when you hear it. But please, everyone, check it out.

World News Update

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan (AP) — On Friday, Pakistan criticized the U.S. government for the continued funding of NASA's Phoenix Mission, a Mars lander that is headed to the red planet to look for water and carbon compounds that could signify life on Mars. Top Pakistan officials said continued support of this program was irresponsible and will likely lead to invasions from hostile alien nations.

"It's a very irresponsible action, that's all I can say," Pakistan's Foreign Minister Khusheed Kasuri told AP Television News. "As global terrorism becomes an increasing threat to all nations, this is no time to be meddling in the affairs of extra terrestrial life forms. Suicide bombers will seem like a minor threat compared to weaponized space lasers that any invading race will likely possess."

In protest to the Phoenix Mission, 1,000 tribesmen rallied in Miran Shah, the main town in North Waziristan tribal area, condemning the American government by burning an American flag and chanting slogans against the United States. "Down with America! Down with outer space! Death to all space invaders!" local cleric Maulvi Mohammed Roman cheered, spurring on the rally.

After this demonstration, the Taico Corporation of Japan asked whether the protestors intended

to condemn the video game "Space Invaders" and its isometric depictions of death-ray wielding alien life forms, originally developed for the arcade and Atari gaming platforms.

In response, protestors reassembled in Miran Shah on Monday and burned another American flag.

A confused spokesman for Taico then issued a statement asking for clarification on what exactly the American flag had to do with whether Pakistan condemns the "Space Invaders" game.

When reached for comment, Pakistani Foreign Minister replied, "Because." He later added, "Death to America!!"

Question

So what do you do when you know your client is the victim, but everyone involved in the incident, including the five people that jumped her, the "friend" that set up the encounter, the neighbors who saw it happening and opted to steal from her purse rather than stop the fight, and the cops who came in at the last second and only saw her fighting back, will say that she was the one who committed a crime?

High Tech

Apparently my RAZR's got powers beyond anything mentioned in the sales pitch, specifically the ability to call people of its own accord. Yesterday I went to pick up my girl after she was done with work, and I left my phone at home. As I was pulling in, she was on the phone checking a missed call. The missed call had come from me, only moments before. When I got home, I checked my phone -- true indeed, my phone placed a call to hers that lasted 1:41 long. It usually takes about 3-5 minutes to get from my apartment to her work, depending on traffic, and last night was no different. Therefore, it appears that, after I left the apartment, my phone decided to call hers. My only conclusion can be that my phone is trying to hit on my girl behind my back.

The other thing is, now every time I set my phone down for a bit, I have to check it again to make sure it's not making calls in my absence. So if anyone tries calling me in the near future and my phone seems to be turned off at an unusually early hour, assume its because I don't want my phone to stay up making calls all night.

An American Hero

CNN talk show host Glenn Beck ought to get an award for his show last night. Commenting on the steam pipe explosion that occurred this week in New York City, Beck first chided the witnesses, most of whom panicked when it happened. Then he suggested this shows a greater problem, that we are all completely unprepared for the next terrorist attack. Then he and a couple of guys discussed how to be prepared for such an attack.

If I may be so bold, on behalf of the citizens of New York, I say thank you, Glenn Beck. Where would we be without people like you? By "people like you," I of course mean "fat, rich television pundits who sit behind their cushy news desks hurling criticism down the mountain at people who actually experience these events first hand." Thank you, Mr. Beck, for pointing out exactly who among us is letting the terrorists win.

First of all, some massive explosion occurs in the middle of Lexington Avenue in downtown Manhattan, and the first thing people do is panic? What the hell is the matter with them? Are these people so easily frightened that all it takes to upset them is a massive explosion? Do they think they're doing a service to anyone by running for their lives and ensuring their own safety? What cowards. If Glenn Beck had been standing there that day and a steam geyser shot up higher than the 77 story Chrysler Building, creating a deafening roar as it rained soot and chunks of concrete down on bystanders, and putting a giant crater in the middle of the street, you know he would have stood firm and looked to rescue other people.

Second, this just goes to show that when you don't spend every minute of every day waiting for a terrorist attack to occur, the minute one actually does, you're probably screwed. The next big attack could come at any moment; it could kill hundreds, thousands even. It could happen anywhere, by any means, from anyone. And if that isn't enough to make you afraid, and if you don't spend every day living in fear, then clearly, you may as well be a terrorist yourself. For shame, America. For shame.

Finally, everyone should go out an get themselves a "Go Pack" for when the next strike happens. Sure, go out and get a backpack, and fill it with a flashlight, a first-aid kit, some rope, some basic food supplies, a blanket, and you'll be the most prepared citizen in case of an attack. That way, if you're standing on the street and a building next to you explodes, surrounding you in a firestorm complete with shattered glass, ruptured concrete, and twisted steel, you'll be able to...um...eat an energy bar, and clean up some minor cuts and bruises. Just hope you don't have a massive slab of concrete smash down on your skull, because then you'll be just as unprepared as anyone else.

So here's to Glenn Beck, a real American hero, for pointing out the faults and inadequacies of others in a crisis, while not ever having to face a real crisis himself.

Score!

So while the State is working on its appeal of the dismissal in that big case I've mentioned, I took a moment to look at some of the other charges, which seemed pretty much indefensible. Lo and behold, I found a little problem with one -- a fairly subtle twist on one of the elements, because the case law actually narrowed the statutory language quite a bit. To the point where our client didn't actually do what the statute was designed to prohibit.

Last week I knocked out a motion to dismiss, and this week we found out the State moved to dismiss the charge without a fight.

Boo-yah, bitches! (Oh yes, I'm taking boo-yah back.)

For those of you keeping score at home, that's 3 out of 6 charges dismissed.

Yes, Mom. Yes They Do.

I was having lunch with my parents the other day, trying yet again to explain the difference between my taking appointments for the SPD and trying to get an actual SPD job, as well as what other opportunities are out there for me. The conversation moved in the direction of personal injury law, because I had said that there aren't really any big criminal law firms to my knowledge, mostly smaller firms, and I was asked about Habush Habush and Rottier, which I said dealt more with PI cases. My mom said that she read in a John Grisham novel that you don't want to be a tort lawyer, and I replied that is pretty much what personal injury lawyers work on - tort cases. Mom asked if that was like the term "ambulance chasers," and I said yeah, they would be personal injury lawyers.

Then, God's honest truth, my mom asked me, "So how the firms get those cases? Do they just send someone down to the hospital to look around?"

How Do I Get That Job?

Next to being His L-Ness, playing World of Warcraft, Online poker, and doing just about whatever he feels like at any given time, I'd have to say the second best job might have to be working at the Division of Juvenile Corrections. Their office is only staffed weekdays from 8:30-11:30 am (15 hours a week). I've called there before around 11:15 am and got no answer. Today I called at 10:20 am, and also got no answer. So, when your office is open only 15 hours a week and no one's there to answer the phones, what the hell are they actually doing? And how can I get in on that racket?

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Lawyer

This is a time of transition, of graduation, of moving on to bigger and better things. All my law friends are somewhere on this spectrum -- all have graduated, some have jobs, some do not, some are studying for the bar, some are not, some are practicing, and some are not yet. But we've all accomplished a great deal, and I think it's worth taking a moment to celebrate that achievement. We're lawyers now, or close enough. And having experienced a taste of what it's really like, I'd say it has been worth the effort.

So, to celebrate what comes next, I thought I would share a ceremonial song, a rite-of-passage, if you will. To the tune of "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta" by the Geto Boys - you all know how it goes:

Verse 1

Damn it feels good to be a lawyer
Cuz real lawyer-ass niggas never lose
A real lawyer-ass nigga always runs his fuckin mouth
Cuz real lawyer-ass niggas talk smooth
And real lawyers always rock the fly suits
Pimped out like a straight-up gangsta mack
Like a real lawyer I don’t gotta brag much
Though I’ve got a chair made out of money stacks
And everythings cool in the mind of a lawyer
Cuz lawyer-ass niggas think deep
Working 24/7 ‘til our loans paid
Then we’ll only work three days a week

And all I gotta say to you
Wannabe, gonnabe, law students livin’ that torture
When you finally get admitted it be worth the fuckin’ wait
Damn it feels good to be a lawyer

Verse 2

Damn it feels good to be a lawyer
Getting clients, charging up the massive bills
I used to spend my days in a classroom
But now I’m in the courtroom makin deals
Damn it feels good to be a lawyer
I mean one that everybody know
Ridin around town with my rimz not spinnin
Hittin corners in my Ford Escort
Now real-ass lawyers come in all shapes and colors
Workin’ business law, real estate, and crim
Litigators, public interest, I-to-tha-P
Livin’ lavish ‘cause our pockets never slim

Now all I gotta say to you
Wannabe, gonnabe, 1Ls who wish you’d never entered
Those three years of bullshit will pass by quick
And then damn it feels good to be a lawyer

Verse 3

Damn it feels good to be a lawyer
A real lawyer-ass nigga gets respect
You can call my secretary, set up an appointment
Cuz ain’t nobody that speaks to me direct
And we never have to worry bout the little things
Cuz a real lawyer makes his own rules
We just hire peeps to do our shit for us
And then we never have to tie our own shoes
And the laws of the world don’t apply to us
Because a real-ass lawyer’s above the law
Drive a hundred miles an hour, dead hookers on the roof
Then chase a cop away with a chain saw
And that’s just another day in the life of a lawyer
Cuz real lawyer-ass niggas got it made
And real lawyers never got to worry bout cash
Cuz real lawyer niggas always get paid

Now when you see me you had better get the name right
I’m the motherfuckin court room destroyer
And now I got the world swingin from my nuts
Damn it feels good to be a lawyer.

Date with Destiny

Upon venturing forth to Wendys yesterday, I encountered a sign bearing a portrait of the next great Sandwhich I must acquaint myself with 'ere too long: The Baconator. Now, this Baconator (or "Nator," as its oft referred) contains two beef patties, two slices of cheese, SIX slices of bacon, what appears to be mayonnaise, and a sesame seed bun.

But ho - you may say Vice, ye of the puny stomach and terrible chest pains, how can you expect to tame such a behemoth? 'Tis true, my powers of burger rangling have diminished greatly from my youth, when I regularly conquered Monster Burgers and Ultimate Bacon Double Cheeseburgers with ease. Now I oft recoil from such a feat, as even ruminating upon a burger of this stature can render my pitiful stomach into a quivering, useless wretch.

But to this I say "No more." I shan't cower from the Baconator; this is my solemn vow. And, when the day is passed, and the Baconator is no more, all who witnessed this feat shall say, "Behold, there goes a man in severe chest pain. Alas, he should have listened to reason, and gotten the 5 piece chicken nuggets and small fries."

By the Seat of My Ass

Here you go - Vice's tips to prepare for a successful court hearing:

1. Incorrectly assume that the date of the hearing is two days from now, rather than today

2. Put on some shorts and a t-shirt, wander up to the school to do a little preparation

3. Before you can start preparing, get a phone call from your supervising attorney asking if you're going to show up for the hearing, which starts pretty much right now

4. Grab the case files, sprint from the school to your car

5. Speed over to your apartment, and haphazardly throw on a suit and tie

6. Run over to the courthouse and head up to the floor, now dripping with sweat

7. WIN THE HEARING, in total badass fashion.

Newswhore

I could never lower myself to work in broadcast journalism. Know why? I couldn't ever be successful at it. People would come at me with stories, and I'd say no -- we're not covering that. That's not news. Of course, no one would watch my show, because I wouldn't cover the things that most people want to read.

Case in point - Paris Hilton gets out of jail today. I know this because CNN was on at the SERF while I was running yesterday. They advertised today as "Paris's Day of Freedom!!!" I'm not kidding - I saw the headline and thought there would be two exclamation points to convey just how exciting it was -- turns out I underestimated CNN. So Paris gets out of jail after serving her relatively innocuous sentence. Now she's free, and every single news source in the US will be clamouring outside of the jailhouse doors to cover this. They've already fought over who will have her first exclusive interview upon release, and that (dubious) honor goes to Larry King.

Judging by the news coverage, you'd think she was fuckin' Nelson Mandela, finally getting out of prison after the end of apartheid. But no -- she's just a dilitante of reality TV and amateur porn fame. (And, of course, Smashing Pumpkins single cover fame.)

I don't get it. I just don't get it. How is this news? How is this newsworthy? Say what you will about bad things happening to bad people, but I can't see why on earth I (or anyone else) should possibly care about this.

But we do. Clearly we do, otherwise the news wouldn't cover it, because it wouldn't be profitable. So the question is, whose fault is that?

Pop Quiz, Hotshot

What was the weirdest thing I saw yesterday?

(a) Old man doing what looked like jumping jacks on Regent St. yesterday, although he was barely moving his legs, and appeared to be doing them less for exercise purposes and more for "I don't remember my own name or where I am, dear God somebody help me" purposes

(b) The ambiguously gendered figure walking down the Square wearing purple pants, neon green socks, and a blue and white polka dot shirt

(c) The drunken girl that nearly stumbled to the floor on her way to the elevator of the courthouse, then incoherently slurred which floor she wanted to get off at and laughed like it was the funniest thing ever

Answer: Probably (a), although (c) was probably the stupidest. Seriously people, going drunk to court never ends well.

Look Out Below...

Your old pal Vice has a State Bar number, bitches!

I shall not reveal it here, for the dark power contained within those seven digits would blind even the most malevolent eyes. Soon will be the day the minstrels sing of this number, which will go down in infamy as "The number that would be Mr. Vice's State Bar number, bitches!"

Milestones

Tomorrow I get sworn in. Know what that means? It means that when people ask what I do, I can say "I'm an attorney" as opposed to "I'm a law student." That's pretty badass.

Although, the next question, "Where do you work?" is still giving me some problems.

The Glory of Stupidity

As far as satisfying moments go, there just isn't one quite like when you do something you know is stupid and it turns out beautifully. I'm talking about when you make a plan, realize that its a really terrible idea that could go wrong in hundreds of ways, then implement it nonetheless. It's kind of a "Wow...for some reason, this isn't going nearly as bad as I expected it to. I am awesome!" type of feeling.

Today I had one of those moments. I was cleaning out my old apartment, transporting the few things I have worth saving to a storage shed, when I came up against the futon. The decision had been made to keep the futon and put it in the office/guest bedroom of our new apartment. The problem for me was a) taking the frame apart, as I'm not exactly a handy man, or particulary handy, and b) transporting it to the storage shed with my 2001 Ford Escort. At my apartment I have one (1) screwdriver with several different attachments. I have zero (0) wrenches. Beyond that, I have a futon machete, if worse comes to worse. There are other tools at my disposal as well, as (oddly enough) my girl owns a pretty tricked out tool set. She's even got saws and shit. She doesn't really use them much, but still, it's kinda hot.

Anyway, I initially planned to take the futon apart, and hope the pieces (some approximately 6 feet long) would fit inside my little car. I don't know anyone within 90 miles of here who owns a pickup truck or van that could lend assistance, so that's out. So I look at the futon's frame, think about how I put it together in the first place, get frustrated and impatient because it didn't disassemble itself under the heat of my angry glare.

Then a thought occurred to me - maybe I could just drag the whole frame down, still assembled, and stick it to the roof of my car. Monumentally stupid idea. What happens when it slips out of my makeshift ropes and falls off mid-transport, then either a) gets run over by another car and smashed up, or b) gets run over by another car, gets smashed up, and causes an accident that is entirely my fault. Sounds like a winner to me. I found a few pieces of rope and extension cords, and hauled the bitch downstairs. I was able to lift it up and set it on the roof without a problem. I tied it down through the windows, then rolled up the windows to make sure the ropes and cords held tight.

And with that, I set out to the storage shed. Mid way through, it hadn't fallen off yet, and I started to get the feeling that maybe it would actually work. I ultimately arrived at the storage shed without incident and plopped the sucker in the shed, still assembled. Now, maybe I'll still have to disassemble it when we move, but maybe not. Maybe I saved myself a bunch of work through a pretty dumb idea.

I feel pretty good about that.

Assholes Don't Die, They Just Become Old Assholes

For those of you currently entertaining thoughts of "Now that law school is over, I won't ever have to see (insert random douchebag here) again for the rest of my life," here is a sad wakeup call. You may not have to see that particular douchebag, but rest assured, you will have to see plenty of others. Law school may have been the sun of our d-bag solar system, but venture out into space a bit, I guarantee you run up against, at the very least, satellite douchebags, and at worst, a whole douchebag meteor shower.

Take today for instance. Public Defender's Office has a training seminar. Our speaker has gone on five minutes past her allotted time, and the next period was supposed to be our break, which was supposed to give us fifteen minutes respite from all the mind-numbing "learning." When she stops, and most of us are just about to bolt for the door, Old Asshole raises his hand to ask a question. Speaker lady provides a thorough, 5 minute time suck of an answer. Anyone else? Old Asshole raises his hand, asking another pointless question. And these questions weren't even directed toward anything she had said - just anecdotes about the different failures in his career, and how one might go about avoiding those problems. I don't know what kind of answer that one got, because I stood up and left the room.

Just goes to show you, assholes never really leave for good, they just linger and became crotchety old assholes. Until you escape this profession, you will never escape the d-bag solar system.


*And for those of you who inserted your old pal Vice into the "random douchebag here" blank, you're right -- you won't see me. Not even when I creep out of the shadows, sneak up behind you, and decapitate you with a whale machete. Take comfort in that.