So every state has its share of anachronistic laws. Most the legislature just forgets about, then never makes an effort to change. For example, this state must have had a big problem with people stealing (or at least claiming title to) sunken logs on submerged state lands. How else to explain Wis. Stat. section 170.12? Or how about Wis. Stat. section 172.08, an entire section dedicated to the procedure for dealing with rams that escape their enclosures between July 15 and December 1 of the same year. And if you're interested, the owner of the stray ram has to forfeit $10 for every time that slippery bastard gets away and taken up by someone else. By the way, it's perfectly cool to take up an unclaimed ram, provided you post notice with the town clerk. The owner of the ram can then pay his $10 plus a hefty $0.50 (that's right, fifty cents) for the clerk's fees to get the bugger back.
With that in mind, I'm keeping an open eye for any other old school statutes. And on a hot tip from a hot lady, I checked out Wisconsin's treason statute. Yeah, you heard me, Wisconsin has its own treason statute. It reads as follows:
946.01 Treason.
(1) Any person owing allegiance to this state who does any of the following is guilty of a Class A felony:
(a) Levies war against this state; or
(b) Adheres to the enemies of this state, giving them aid and comfort.
(2) No person may be convicted of treason except on the testimony of 2 witnesses to the same overt act, or on the person's confession in open court.
So many questions.....let's start with these:
1. How do we know when we "owe allegiance" to this state? Do you have to be born here, or just move here, or have relatives here? What if you have none of the above, but you still root for the Bager?
2. Can individuals declare war against their own state? For that matter, can we declare war on other states? For instance, what if I wanted to send the calvary north west to sweep through and conquer Minnesota, while sumultaneously sailing my fleet across Lake Michigan and wiping those fuckers out?
3. What constitutes "war" for this statute? Can I bust out the nerf guns and paper airplanes, or do I need a real arsenal? Or will a war of words count?
4. What do they mean by "adheres to?" Like, physically sticks to? Like those shows where somebody gets propelled by a catapult and flung against a wall coated with some weird sticky substance? Because that's the image I'm getting.
5. Who constitutes "enemies" of the state of Wisconsin? Simply based on collegiate and professional athletics, at a minimum the Axis of Evil would include Michigan (UM), Ohio (Ohio State), Minnesota (Vikings), Illinois (Bears), Texas (Cowboys), and K-Fed. What about specific groups or specific people?
6. What does "giving them comfort" mean? It sounds kinda dirty. Like "Hey Minnesota, you look like you've had a hard day, what with Wisconsin consistently kicking your ass in everything, including number of lakes, sports competitions, and having fewer Minnesotans. Why don't you rest your head on my shoulder, and I'll make you feel good..."
Also, if you check this statute out, note that the Legislature updated it in 1993. That's right, this is the text approved by the legislature as recently as 14 years ago. So what did they change? The language in 946.01(2) which used to read "on his confession in open court," so that it is now gender neutral.
Huh. Seems like the statute has bigger problems than gender confusion. Such as the very fact of its existence. This is why I want to go into politics. So that one day I can say "Sure, this bill is nonsensical, anachronistic, and abundantly retarded, but at least it's politically correct."
Prior to that day, however, I declare war on the State of Wisconsin. Why? Well, uh...it's going to snow at some point, that pisses me off. Plus, the Boston Market on the West side closed, and the nearest one is now in fuckin' Brookfield. What kind of state leaves you at an hour's drive from the nearest BM? Assholes.
So that's it. The guantlet's been thrown. Come and get me.
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3 comments:
If I was going to prison for life anyways, I would just plead to treason. That way when some murderer tries acting tough and asks me what I was in for, I'd say "treason." Since I would have an entire state as my victim, that murderer would probably cry like a bitch, because he'd be afraid of my treasonous tendency to shank everyone in the state, or give aid to those that intend to shank everyone in the state.
As far as wild rams go, that statute was the sole reason I put up double fences on my property. All it takes is one loose ram running around and you lose out on a really good meal from Qdoba. Not only could you get a burrito, but you could get guac, a cookie, and drink for ten bucks.
If you like BM but are too cheap to drive to Milwaukee, try Kipp's down on Monroe and Regent:
http://www.narotisserie.com/
Been eating their good eats since the mid-'90s.
You know, I've heard Kipps is really good. Every time I drive past it I remember that I'd like to eat there sometime. Then when I'm thinking about where to eat, that never comes to mind. I'll try to remember it now that the sudden dearth of BM has left my life a void and empty place, as far as rotisserie chicken is concerned.
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