Health Food

Made the trip back to O-Town for Thanksgiving with my family. I've got a pretty small family, and many of them are in Florida this time of year, but there were more relatives in attendance than I had expected. That was a pleasant surprise.

My favorite part of Thanksgiving with my family may have been baking cookies. Dad had the great idea of having me, the fiancee, and my parents spend a couple hours after dinner making Christmas cookies. It was a nice activity, good chance to talk about wedding plans and everything else. But the cookies themselves left a bit to be desired. Being an avid cookie dough fiend, I sampled a little piece during the construction, and detected a distinct lack of sweetness. Now, I'm also a raging sugarholic, so lack of sugar to me is a pretty meaningless concept. So I didn't mention it to my parents, and continued on with the rolling and cutting. The dough was being a bit problemmatic in that regard, but eventually we got several trays of cookies done and into the oven.

But then the cookies came out of the oven, and one got eaten. Turns out I was right. Not a single cookie had even a smidge of sugar. Even slathering them with radioactive frosting couldn't save them.

Ultimately the entire batch made its way into the garbage. Only the frosting survived.

So you learn something new every day. I, for instance, now know how to make sugar-free Christmas cookies.

Acts of War

Just when you thought the ceaseless, seemingly never-ending cycle of war and violence was about to end, Axl Rose comes along and launches an all-out assault on China.

The blame lies with all of us, really. The signs were all there, but we just too naive. I mean, the reports have been coming out for over seventeen years. Everyone said Axl Rose was working on something devastating, and China would be the target. I, for one, didn't believe it. I thought it was a myth. He had been underground for so long. Every once in awhile, a new report of progress came out. I figured he was just blustering, like all those other world powers who retire and fade into the sunset, but fire off some jingoistic comments every now and then to keep their rep alive. Axl Rose didn't have that kind of power anymore, I was sure of it.

Boy, was I wrong. Out of nowhere, Axl finally launched "Chinese Democracy." And the effects have been devastating. China has denounced it has a "venemous attack," claiming that Guns 'N Roses had "turned its spear point on China," and that this was part of a plot to "grasp and control the world."

As of 7:00 eastern standard time, nearly 45 million Chinese have been killed and another 760 million wounded as a result of this shameless and unprovoked attack.

Return of a Classic

Saturday Night Live has always been one of my favorite television shows. As I've mentioned, the show inspired me to spend endless hours of high school and undergrad writing, acting and producing my own amateur version of SNL with my friends, and eventually go on to do the same in the Law Revue show at law school. The show has been on since the mid-70's and the quality has always varied dramatically from year to year, even episode to episode. Every once in awhile, a new cast of new up-and-coming comedians breathed fresh life into the show. Inevitably those stars left for bigger and better things, and the show stagnated. For every John Belushi and Chris Farley and Will Ferrell there was an Anthony Michael Hall and Chris Elliott and Chris Kattan. And since the depatures of Ferrell and Tina Fey, the show's ebb and flow has pretty much just ebbed.

However, I'm extremely pleased to say that the past couple of seasons have brought a bit of a renaissance, with fresh actors, fresh writing, and genuinely funny sketches. Sure, the 2008 election was a huge boon to the show, as Fey returned to do a viciously funny Sarah Palin, and the other actors playing the major political players (Hillary, McCain, Obama, and Biden) were all pretty spot-on. The joint press conference with Palin and Hillary, where Palin aw-shucksed her way into the contention for the white house, while Hillary practically frothed at the mouth over her oblivious counterpart taking her spotlight, was particularly hilarious.

But it's more than that. Not only have the political sketches been sparking lately, but the rest of the sketches have been pretty damn funny too. For instance, Christopher Walken's latest appearance provided a slew of quality sketches, including the gardener who was very scared of plants, as well as the Walken family reunion. The cast, though comprised of relatively unknowns, is pretty well-rounded with funny performers. Jason Sudekis, Bill Hader (a key player in the Judd Apatow comedies), Kristen Wiig, and Will Forte have all made great additions to the cast. The latest episode (first one post-election) was hosted by Paul Rudd, and the results were still pretty funny. With this type of format, there's always going to be a few great sketches, a few terrible sketches, and the majority in the middle as hit-or-miss. But even those hit-or-miss sketches have been more hit than miss lately.

Among my favorites -

Kristen Wiig's "Judy Grimes" travel-writer character who appears on Weekend Update, who speaks in a nervous, rapid-fire way, repeatedly adding "just kidding" to every statement, which ends up being a lot funnier than it sounds.

Beyonce attempts to shoot a music video to "Single Girls," but is extremely creeped out by her new back-up dancers, played by Justin Timberlake, Andy Samberg, and Bobby Moynihan - three dudes (obviously) wearing little black dresses and high heels.

An untitled series of sketches with four guys who reminisce about an old song, then talk about how it reminds them of some absurdly perverse memory, then they all go on singing as though it's perfectly normal. My favorite exchange:

Will: Well... I'll tell you who this song reminds me of.
Amie: Amie!
Bill: No -- Courtney.
Buddies: Aw, come on!
Bill: Did you finally ask her out?
Will: I did. I remember this song was playing that night. and I finally worked up the nerve to talk to her, and she just stonewalled me. And I said, "What's wrong?" and she said she could never go out with me. I asked why, and she said, "I found out you're a pedophile." And I was, like, "A pedophile? A pedophile?! That's a pretty big word for a ten year-old!"

Who knows how long the upswing will last, of course, but for now I'm digging me some SNL for the first time in a long time.

In Defense of the Thong Song

I've got a bone to pick with Charlie's Worst Song in the World competition. The competition pitted Tiny Tim's "Tiptoe through the Tulips" against Sisqo's "Thong Song," for the unenviable title of worst song ever. The link I provided has clips for each to help you decide. I can't find any information on this competition, other than these two songs squared off for #1 in terms of pure audio feces. I don't know if there were other songs in competition and these two made it to the finals, or if the station took a poll, or if someone just picked these two.

Whatever their methods, it appears that "Tiptoe" has pulled into a commanding lead, 67-33. Rightfully so, in my opinion. After listening to that song for the first time, I had to shut it off almost immediately because I could feel my internal organs on the verge of shredding themselves in protest. I literally felt nauseous for the next 10 minutes. I don't think I've ever had such a strong physical reaction to music before. I've read a series of fantasy books where a composer stumbled upon music that could be arranged in a way so as to kill all of the listeners, and I'm pretty sure that was based on this song.

By contrast, and I know I'll draw some heat for this, but "Thong Song" doesn't even remotely qualify as the worst song ever. Sure, the topic is ridiculous and banal. Sure the lyrics are simplistic and repetitive. I'll be the first to admit, "Dumps like a truck, truck, truck, Thighs like what, what, what" is straight up fucking retarded. And yes, the overall result is annoying beyond reproach, especially considering how overplayed it was for a dark period in history.

But I believe it has at least some positive attributes, which is more than can be said for songs like "Tulips" and a few others that come to mind. For example, strip away all of the lyrics and singing, and the song has a decent Timbaland-esque arrangement to it. In particular, I can appreciate the use of the violin melody, because at least it is a break from some of the painfully monotonous and uninspired beats that plagues modern R&B and hip hop. Most of the shit today has little more than a drum beat and a terrible rapper and/or singer. This has a flippin' violin. I have to give props for that.

Also, Sisqo has some pipes. Forgot the drivel that he's saying for a moment, listen to his voice. Especially compared to today's flavor-of-the-month R&B singers. You'll notice a stark difference: he doesn't sound like a robot chipmunk (I'm looking at you, T-Pain and Ne-Yo. For a related note, see this amusing video about the relationship between T-Pain and his vocoder.) Sisqo actually sounds like a person when he sings. More than that, he's a good-ass singer.

Well...that about exhausts the list of positive attributes for this song. Still, it's way out of the "Tulips" league, and definitely not the 2nd worst song ever.

No, my friends, the 2nd worst song ever is Federline's ode to d-baggery, "Popozao." This transcends even the "awesomely bad" label (see "Ice Ice Baby" or "Rock Lobster") and moves straight into terribly, horribly, atrociously bad territory.

Still, it's no "Tip Toe through the Tulips," and that's saying a lot.

NOANSWERS

As I was telling Ismael the other day, I really think the slogan "NOBAMA" is pretty much the quintessence of the McCain campaign, and a good indication of why he will and should lose the election. I've been following the election pretty closely, from the primaries to the conventions to the final weeks. I've seen countless advertisements, read hundreds of articles and polls, and watched all the debates (except the VP debate, since only one side chose to engage in actual debate). Having witnessed all of this, "NOBAMA" is the best that McCain can come up with to answer the question of why he should be president. And I think that's pretty sad.

Some amount of negative campaigning is always to be expected at this level. Some of the attacks are bound to be nasty and personal. The campaigns, and the candidates in particular, can't always be held at fault for the things that get said. But to a greater extent, campaigns should be about why one candidate should be elected, and not why the other candidate shouldn't. Before you can start tearing down your opponent, you need a clear, resounding answer to why you should be president. McCain started that way, touting his experience, and rightfully so. The man has undeniably impressive credentials.

But as soon as Obama began his meteoric rise on the winds of "Change," suddenly McCain co-opted the theme, and proclaimed himself the candidate of change. Okay, that's a little murkier, considering McCain largely supports the same agenda as Bush did. But McCain does have some notable policy differences from Bush the Lesser, so voters could let that one slide. The title of "Maverick" was well-earned over McCain's many years in public service, so I was willing to cut him a little slack on that, despite his recent forays into far-right rather than center-right. The man's got to appeal to his base, so some of that was to be expected.

And at first glance, the selection of Palin as his running mate seemed to bolster that idea pretty handily. If there is one thing she's accomplished in her short career in public service (there is -- I've counted. Exactly one thing, in fact...), then it's bucking the establishment. Of course, calling them "The Original Mavericks" was a pretty ridiculous stretch, considering Maverick from Top Gun was around a hell of a lot longer than Palin, but whatever. All in all, McCain made a pretty successful attempt at taking the change mantle from his opponent.

Then reality set in. Palin proved to be grossly underqualified. McCain's (new) true colors began to bleed through, particularly in the debates. While Obama began to convince independants that he had the chops and the knowledge necessary to be commander-in-chief, McCain did little to distinguish himself from Bush. Truth be told, other than McCain's respect for the constitution, there weren't many.

And over the past month, the campaign has shifted toward a ratification of Obama rather than a choice between two equally adept candidates. The question has become whether Obama is ready rather than who would make a better president. And since Obama's performance has been uniformly steady if not spectacular, McCain can't win like that.

Since he can't rise above Obama, he's got to try to tear him down with fear tactics. Ooh look - he's got questionable associations. He knows a guy who was a domestic terrorist thirty years ago. He must be a terrorist too. He went to a church where the pastor recently made some pretty incendiary anti-America remarks. He must feel the same way. His middle name is "Hussein," just like that dictator from Iraq. He must be a Muslim extremist.

Or the McCain supporters will just ridicule Obama's accomplishments. The mocking comments by Guliani and Palin regarding Obama's past as a community organizer were breathtakingly disrespectful, not just to Obama but to the thousands and thousands of Americans who hold similar positions and try to make positive differences in their communities. It's a sad day when major political candidates go on national TV and mock the public service efforts of their opponents. Notice that after Palin's blithely idiotic remarks, you didn't see anyone close to Biden or Obama getting up and mocking Palin for being mayor of a town of 8 people and governer of a state with 12 people. The comedy shows in the tank for Obama may have done that, but certainly not the candidate or any public servants that support him.

So when I'm driving around and see signs that say "NOBAMA," I'm both saddened at what the McCain campaign has devolved into, and heartened by the fact that none of these attacks are working. And well they shouldn't. McCain's campaign has effectively limited him to being the "not Obama" candidate. That's a bit like being "anyone but Bush," a phrase I heard a lot from democrats during the 2004 campaign. Unfortunately for McCain, that strategy doesn't work when your opponent is actually popular, much less wildly popular as Obama has become.

So go on, keep telling us about how you're not Obama. That just underscores why most of the country won't be voting for you.