Chicago's Finest

I shared this one with Kristin already, but I thought this was worthy of publication for all to see. We celebrated Penis Day at the DA's office the other day. This involved a discussion between two of the attornies, myself and the other intern, where the attornies shared their best penis-related legal stories. My favorite came from a guy who used to work in Chicago, where they had a couple of cops who were notoriously crazy and fun-loving. On this particular story, there was a sexual assault case where there wasn't any physical evidence to back up the victim, and the DA told the cops he wasn't going to be able to prosecute the case without a confession. The cops told him not to worry, they would handle it. So the cops found the suspect and asked if they could have his "pecker print." When he asked what this was, they said that every phallus has its own unique pattern, just like fingerprints. The guy went along with it, so the cops took him into the station and had him lay his penis on a copy machine. They scanned the penis, and sent him back to another room to wait. Then they took the scanned copy, made a photocopy of the penile image, and then returned to the room. They told the guy that the scanned copy was his pecker print, and the photocopy was the one they got from the victim's vagina, and the two were identical. The man confessed.

The other penis stories weren't as funny, but there were two other stories about these renegade cops. The next story I'd dedicate to Andy. The cops knew that one particular subway was rife with pickpockets. So they set up a guy pretending to sleep, with his watch and other items sticking out. A pickpocket passed by, grabbed the items, and took off running. The sleeper stood up and shouted, then radioed the suspect in. What the suspect didn't know was that the cops had another officer waiting - he was absolutely huge, like a bodybuilder, and very tall. He was waiting behind another wall, where the cops had loosened the hinges on a door. And --- he was dressed as Superman. So the suspect runs toward this wall, and all the sudden the officer kicks down this door, steps out in his superman gear, grabs and lifts the suspect into the air, and lets him dangle there for awhile. The cops arrive quickly, and Supercop then hands the suspect over to the officers. Then, at trial, the suspect says he wasn't caught by the cops, he was caught by Superman. He was later referred for a psych evaluation.

And finally, the cops had been investigating this warehouse where robbers had been storing stolen merchandise for a long time. So one night the cops disable all the lights in the warehouse, and wait for the guys to return. That night the robbers came back with more stuff, and found all the lights out in the warehouse. So they got out their flashlights and crept through the building, until they came upon something unusual - one of the cops had dressed up as Wolfman, in full wolf costume with a mask and hair and fangs. He was crouched on some shelf like 8 feet off the ground, and as soon as they saw him he started snarling, then leaped down at them. Other cops, who were positioned elsewhere to watch, described it as the funniest thing they ever saw - all the sudden the flashlights clatter to the ground and the robbers took off screaming. One ran directly into a large metal pole and knocked himself unconscious.

Of course, they're not allowed to do stuff like that anymore. But still, the fact that someone can take law enforcement and have fun with it - - that's just fantastic, and something to aspire to.