Dude, Stop Fucking Calling Me

Look, I know you don't want to go to jail. But you're going to. And there ain't a goddamn thing I can do about it.

Not that I want to, of course. I think you should go to jail. You committed like 10 different crimes, then flipped your shit when you found out the judge wanted you to spend some time in jail. What the fuck did you expect?

Now you want me to try to do the impossible. File the Magic Motion. Convince the judge to put you on house arrest. Never mind the fact that I already asked the judge to put you on house arrest, and in no uncertain terms, he basically gave the legal equivalent of "Fuck you, you lowlife, stupid piece of shit. Rot in jail. Peace!" Remember how, after going on a tirade about how you went on a crime spree, the judge actually apologized for how worked up he got? Guess what? He wasn't apologizing to you. He was apologizing to everyone else in the court that witnessed him showing how he really felt, rather than being objective and level, as a judge is supposed to.

You know why it happened in the first place? Because you're a fuckup, and you fucked up, over and over. Then, after we worked out a sentence where half of your jail time would get stayed if you successfully completed alcohol treatment, then you go and ask him to give you a break on the rest of it. Like yeah, you really got a raw deal. I feel sorry for your sorry ass.

Guess what? You don't want to go to jail? STOP BREAKING THE LAW!

If you call me tomorrow, and I'm there to take the call, this is what I'm going to say:
"I'm sorry, Mr. ______. There's nothing more I can do for you. Take care."

Now, since you're so goddamned dense that you can't take a fucking hint, here's what it means:
"I hope you die. No, seriously. I hope you get pulled over by the police, just for being an asshole. I hope the cop comes up to your window and asks you a question. I hope you look at him and say something retarded, like you always do. And I hope that cop whips out his baton and bashes in your fucking skull. You know why I'd like to see that happen? Because I'm a man who appreciates justice. So fucking die already, you worthless, witless piece of human excrement."

Talk to you tomorrow, pal.