Falling Apart

So I've been on a massive streak of awesomeness lately, simply put. I can't remember the last time I was this happy with my life. And yet, my health appears to be deteriorating in direct proportion to my increased happiness. Starting with the tapeworm, who has made a major reemergence during the past two months, after nearly two years of relative inactivity. At this point, that bastard is pretty much flamethrowing after every meal. The suggested solution is to eat smaller meals more often, but if the meals I eat become any smaller, there won't be any actual food being consumed. On the plus side, I could fulfill one of my major life's goals -- becoming Skeletor. On the down side, everything else. So I've got that going for me.

Then I've got some new battle wounds, mostly from playing soccer. Strictly speaking, I don't have any air quote "skill" at soccer - - I was more of a badass defender that outran people for the ball, and hit anyone I couldn't outrun. This more than made up for my lack of technical skill, as I was team captain for two years and actually made all conference one year. But now that I've started another outdoor rec league for the summer, my smashmouth style of play has backfired a bit. In my first game, I got knocked around a lot, mostly by other people getting frustrated and going after me. At any other time, this would have been fine, because I like that type of game. But this time I wasn't wearing my titanium exoskeleton for protection, and I'm pretty sure I bruised a rib pretty badly, because I've been in serious chest pain for the past 10 days. It makes it painful to sneeze or blow my nose. It even cut into my golf game, which is absolutely unacceptable.

I had another soccer game two nights ago, and thought perhaps I should try to avoid taking any hits this time. So that's what I did. But both of my quads were on the verge of cramping up the entire game, from the very first line I ran. So I sat out half of the first half just stretching, and came back in the second half, but had the same problems. They never actually locked up, thankfully, but the threat was always there. And in the past couple days, one of the muscles is still really tight and painful.

In one word, I can officially be described as "decrepit." I'm putting serious thought into getting a cane, to go along with my unintentional pimp strut. What's really embarassing is that putting on my right sock has turned into a death match lately, between my cramped up leg muscle and my bruised rib that won't allow me to lean down.

I hate to say it, but pretty soon they're gonna have to ship me off to the old ninja's home.