Mr. Utah's post about the suggested measures to combat the recent school shootings reminded me of a breathtakingly asinine idea I saw on the news last night, reportedly being contemplated by the Wisconsin legislators - giving teachers guns in the classroom. Now, while this approach worked wonders in the movie The Substitute and its 13 sequels, I can't think of a much stupider way to deal with the weapons influx in schools than arming our teachers. Isn't that like saying "Well, we can't stop the guns from getting in there, so we might as well allow the teachers to shoot back." Sure, let's just concede the fact that guns will be a standard school supply now. All students reporting to sixth grade or higher are required to bring a binder, wide-ruled looseleaf paper, number 2 pencils, and, at minimum, either a glock or a 9mm. Those reporting to 9th grade or higher will also be required to bring a T-89 graphic calculator and a scope; T-92's and silencers will not be allowed until one has attained junior status.
Maybe I'm wrong; maybe giving teachers guns would help them keep order in the classroom. Shit, I might think twice about shooting a spitball at a teacher who has a hair trigger on an AK-47. But then we might be heading a bit too far in the other direction. Pretty soon Mr. Spanish Teacher is engaging the class in discussion, and he stops at the desk of little Timmy. "Timmy, I want you to go up to the board and conjugate that verb." But Timmy doesn't want to. "Timmy, you have two options. Conjugate the verb, or deal with a sawed-off blast to the face. Your call." But Timmy's a rebel, and he shakes his head, and pulls out his beretta. But Mr. Spanish Teacher ain't playin'. He gets a nutty look in his eye, whips out his mack ten, and says "Who you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco??"
You just can't beat reactionary legislation.
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Yeah, if mature law students like us can make Dickey and Weston leave the classroom in a storm of rage, imagine what a group of seventh graders could do to a new teacher.
However, don't discount the idea of guns in the classroom completely. Where would we have been if Detective John Kimble hadn't been packing on the fateful day Crisp and his mother tried to kidnap Dominic? So maybe the problem is this: guns in the classroom alone are dangerous, but guns COMBINED with ferrets are lifesavers.
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