I'm not going to be prosecuting homicide cases this summer. I understand that. We're all better off that way, because I'm not sure I'd want that kind of burden this early, with the possibility where my own mistakes or inexperience could allow a murderer or rapist to go free. (Of course, even if they did, I would hunt them down afterward and administer some street justice. But still, I do that anonymously, and it doesn't help my legal reputation).
However, there is a good possibility I will be prosecuting ridiculous cases this summer. For instance, today in our final Trial Advocacy class there was a case where a college guy went into a store, took some donuts, and ate them without paying. Then he tried to escape the store, and when the police were called, he resisted arrest. So, today we were practicing opening and closing arguments. The first guy got up and gave a short but pseudo-heartfelt and tearful plea to prosecute this terrible man who went in and ate $2.59 worth of bakery. Straight-up fucking hilarious. The next guy was a little more serious, but he did come up with a classic line about the store: "They were just trying to protect their donuts." Whether he was trying to be serious or not, this had everyone laughing.
Kempinen assured us that these cases are somewhat rare, but they do happen. So now I'm imagining myself in this role for the summer. I'm the guy that lays down the law on the bizarre and trivial. So if you're thinking about rolling through Winnebago County this summer and taking a magic marker and doodling on all the bananas, or hunting squirrels with Nerf guns, or assaulting an officer with a tube of chapstick, I'm all over your ass.
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5 comments:
Crap, and I had every intention of hunting bear from an aircraft in your county...then I was going to throw a dead Moose from my airplane and bike while intoxicated.
Oops, I meant to pay for these, donuts. Thanks for reminding me, sir. Here's my $1.50 for two $0.75 donuts. What? It's only $0.50 for two? Ok, but how?
Well, I guess your job would be different if you were in Georgia. In your jurisdiction, I'd be forced to pay the mathematically correct amount. Stupid solid education...
Ryan, you're a blood brother 'til the end of space and time. You can steal as many donuts and kill as many hookers in my jurisdiction as you want without penalty.
Wow, those are some sweet privileges. Next time I'm in Oshkosh...I'm definitely taking a donut.
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