Finally, a Movie Named After My Penis

Starting the summer off right, I bring you (official) movie review numero 10:

Iron Man

Comic book superhero movies have always been pretty hit or miss. Anyone remember Superman 4 or Batman and Robin? Me neither. Then the 2000's saw a re-emergence in quality superhero movies, led by the first two Spiderman movies, the first two X-Men installments, and a reset of the Batman franchise in Batman Begins. However, as the genre became more lucrative, everyone started jumping on the bandwagon. All comics became fodder for movies, whether worthy or not. Ghostrider happened, and the death toll is still rising. The Fantastic Four and Incredible Hulk franchises seem to be in a deadlocked race to see which offering blows the most goats. Even the third installments of Spiderman and X-Men were noticeably weaker than their predecessors. And to top it all off, Lex Luthor tried his hand at yet another real estate scheme.

But there seems to be no end in sight to the superhero movie trend, as every third rate superhero is still getting his or her own movie. 2008 seems to be no different, with new Incredible Hulk, The Punisher and Hellboy offerings on the way. July will bring us The Dark Knight, which should provide the Batman franchise's pinnacle if Spiderman 2 and X-Men 2 are any indication.

Then there's Ironman. I never read this comic. I never read anything about this character. The concept is pretty self-explanatory, and kinda silly - man wears suit of metal, blows shit up. Hey, worked for Robocop, right? Except, at this point, we demand a lot more of our superheroes than simple mindless destruction and badassery. Some skepticism here was clearly warranted.

The trailers gave me hope, however. Robert Downey Jr. was cast as the lead. Not the typical buffed up pretty boy, by any stretch. Downey's got some read comedic chops, when he's not languishing in a gutter strung out on crack. To me, comedy is an essential element of any superhero movie. I mean, we're watching some completely unrealistic shit, often involving a cape and tights clad wackjob running around trying to stop the end of the world. Without some serious levity, there's only going to be laughter for the wrong reasons. (See, e.g., Attack of the Clones. "Oh Amidala, last time I saw you I was like 8 years old and you were much older, but ever since then my loins have throbbed for you. Look at how serious my expression is! Our love is so epic!" And scene.) Thankfully, Iron Man has comedy to spare. It comes at all the right moments. The first attempts at flight are particularly laugh-out-loud hysterical.

Then you've got characters. Iron Man, aka Tony Stark, is an incredibly arrogant and equally brilliant billionaire playboy who designs and glibly markets military weaponry without stopping to consider the consequences. His transformation toward having a conscience and concern for stopping the global bodycount is fairly believable, and he remains the same likeable jackass from beginning to end. Plus, the plot offers a valid criticism toward today's profiteering off of warmongering, while never actually getting preachy. A tough balancing act, but this movie pulled it off pretty well.

The action is generally pretty strong, if not spectacular. The final battle is pretty much what you'd expect, but avoids descending into outright lameness, which was a definite possibility given the setup. Overall, a rock solid effort all around, considering it's a guy in a metal suit.

And the best part - I didn't even realize there was a comic book superhero named after my penis. You see, on my first and only trip to Washington D.C. I attended a sort of young leader's conference. The students were all arranged into groups of 25, and as an introductory game we all gave our names and our favorite hobby. One member of our group, who would later become one of my best friends in the history of the universe, informed us that, as a rule, each man's penis should have a nickname based off of his hobby. The only names I can remember are "Rocky," for a rock climber friend of mine, and my own member's name - "Iron Man," based on my love of golf. I thought it fairly appropriate. And I knew Ozzy did a pretty badass tribute song back in the day, which was used to good effect in both the movie trailer and the movie itself. But now I've got a whole movie I can point at -- a damn good movie, no less -- and say, "My schlong inspired that phenomenal piece of filmmaking."

Although, to be fair, as far as tributes go, I'll always be partial to the People's Republic of China and their aptly named "Dragon Tower."

My score: A-
Recommendation: Hellz fuckin' yeah.