From the Front Lines

AP: Madison – “Absolute carnage.” That's the way one witness described the latest skirmish in the ongoing conflict in one residence over the past few months between the United States and the Animal Cracker Nation.

"It's a bloodbath out there. I've never seen anything like it. The Crackers get mowed down one after another - - heads, limbs, tails, entire bodies decimated. But they never stop coming."

Perhaps the greatest tragedy of the war is that no one knows for sure why it started, or why all of this death and destruction is necessary. The origins of the blood feud between these hostile nations is shrouded in secrecy; up until January of 2006, relations between the United States and the ACN seemed amiable and cooperative.

But as the rising death toll clearly indicates, this is no longer the case. Some estimates put the body count as high as 15-20 lbs. of Animal Crackers over the last 100 days.

The office of Mr. Vice, Commander of the Allied Forces and Leader of the Tactical Cracker Counterinsurgency Unit, officially downplayed such violent descriptions of the conflict, contending that the death toll was “artificially high,” and that “many of those crackers were in pieces right out of the bag.” In addition, Mr. Vice assured the troubled populace that further escalations will be unnecessary, and declined to call the situation a "quagmire." He also resented any implications that this campaign was an attempt at ethic cleansing.

However, he did admit that the Joint Chiefs may have "underestimated the resilience" of the Animal Cracker forces. He took full responsibility for his insufficient initial assessment, when he characterized Animal Crackers as "Small, fragile, low in calories, and relatively scrumptious," adding "We can take 'em."

The Commander was particularly candid at a press conference this week, saying he was confidant that this conflict will be brought to a close "with all deliberate speed."

Even more revealing, a technical gaffe after the conference caused a stir when Mr. Vice, believing his microphone to be off, turned to his chief advisors and muttered "I'll eat as many of those goddamned animals as I want." Despite public outrage at this comment, particularly from People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), Vice declined to retract his statements, and instead issued an official response: "Screw you, hippies."

However, a senior advisor in Mr. Vice’s administration went on the record as stating: "They just keep coming. By God, they just keep coming.... The tenacity of these little animals is frightening. I tell ya, we may have superior powers of destruction, we're losing the numbers battle. We'll be lucky to get out alive."

The overwhelming force of which the unnamed source speaks was bolstered significantly last Thursday by an influx of three one-lb. bags of reserve animal crackers.



At a press conference Monday morning, a spokesman for the Animal Cracker Nation, "Monkey," declared "We will not be defeated! Animals, march on!"

The prospect for peace between the two great powers seems bleak, as no negotiations have taken place since early February. So until they can bring their differences to a peaceful resolution, we can only expect more senseless killing, primarily of delicious animal crackers, in the coming months.