Spring Break Quotable

Spring break is over, of course, as one can tell from the lack of white sandy beaches and anything resembling civilized weather conditions. I'm not going to recount the trip, as my esteemed colleague Mr. Martinez has aptly done this on his own blog. You can find that here:
Here is No Why: Spring Break Index

However, as the Senior Administrative Partner of the firm, I have dutifully been keeping track of the memorable quotes and other moments that must be recorded for the sake of history. With that in mind, I present the Spring Break Quotable:

"That means Southern women with teeth have a lot of determination." - Chris Zachar
Context: On the drive down, Chris discussing the potential women we could meet.

"So you're saying the lake's filled with splooge?" - Chris
Context: Driving through Illinois, we passed by a sign advertising Clinton Lake.

"We will, we will cockslap you!!" - MZRM firm
Context: Driving down to Florida, listening to We Will Rock You by Queen. Someone had the brainstorm to alter the lyrics, and we gladly joined in the fun.

"Wait a minute - - is that a truck....hauling a bigger truck?" - Cole Ruby
Context: Me in a state of disbelief after having witnessed a small truck hauling a much larger truck behind it.

"Some birds are mammals, aren't they?" - Chris
Context: After driving straight through the night, now extremely tired, Mr. Zachar looked out the window, saw cows standing in a field, and asked, "What the fuck are those?" Someone pointed out that they were cows, and Chris said "I thought they were emus." We then had a discussion about whether or not pterodactyls could have been mammals, which only Chris believed was possible. This quote popped up somewhere in the discussion.

"What is your position?" - Dr. Goulino
Context: Cristina's father, trying to give us directions to his mansion.

"Laurence keeps challenging me to heads-up poker." - Cristina Goulino
"He probably means something else by that." - Ryan McNamara
"If he did, I'd be mildly interested." - Cristina
Context: On the beach, Cristina discussing her boyfriend's poker withdrawals.

"So...do you ladies know a nice clean place to stand?" - Cole
Context: After road-flirting with a two attractive girls in another vehicle, we pondered what would happen if they actually followed us back to our shithole motel room, and ways we could avoid that unfortunate possibility. This is one question we could have asked them.

"You've got half a thing in that gigantic box, which is the same thing Weston said." - Chris
Context: Refers to half a sandwhich inside a large styrofoam box in our refrigerator. Weston, of course, is our haggish, disgusting former Civil Procedure teacher, who I may or may not have had sex with, if you believe the unfortunate rumors.

"I've got to go with my friends." - Ryan
"Are they going to suck your dick tonight?" - Hooker
Context: Walking down a South Beach street in Miami after bar time, Ryan was accosted and propositioned by a hooker (who could possibly have been male - the jury's still out on that one). Ryan attempted to flee its clutches, and the hooker protested.

"I'm not even feeling it. I almost fell over, but that's besides the point." - Andy Martinez
Context: Drunk

"The Hand Formula for that would be If you want to smoke something, smoke this. (Points to genitals)." - Chris
Context: Ryan and Andy discussed whether they should carry a lighter at the bars, in case a pretty girl wanted to light a cigarette, as a possible means of starting conversation. I suggested that I didn't really want to meet a smoker, and Chris agreed, with this colorful comment. (And the Hand Formula, for any non-law readers, or law readers who don't remember, is a law formula which I cannot presently remember either.)

"Every morning I think of you and do a cock-pushup." - Chris, directed at Andy
Context: Self-explanatory

"I'm just really concerned that I'm always going to live in the shadow of Andrew W.K." - Andy
Context: Andrew WK is the singer that made the song "Party Hard," and coincidentally also attended school with Mr. McNamara. As for what prompted the comment.....you've got me.

"You don't like Five For Fighting?" - Chris
Context: Chris has a universally agreed-upon bad taste in music, and he asked this classic question in disbelief.

"That's like saying "What, you guys don't like Hitler?"" - Andy
Context: Response to Zachar's quote, as Andy apparently sees Five For Fighting as the musical equivalent of a Holocaust.

"It would be a long time before anyone finds your body. ...And by then, all the water in the crotch will probably have washed away the DNA evidence." - Andy
Context: In the men's bathroom at a convenience store, with only Andy and I present. This man sure knows how to creep the shit out of someone.

"So there's another person added to the list of people that thinks I'm a giant asshole." - Andy
"Isn't there a waiting list to get on that list?" - Chris
Context: After Andy inadvertently stared at the chest of a cashier at KMart while attempting to read her shirt.

"The woman that replaced me, she just about ate herself out of a job." - Gordon Bradley
Context: My grandfather, who served as a Wisconsin state representative for twenty years, discussing the woman that filled his seat after he retired.

"Cock-zilla!" - The Fucking Russians
Context: Apparently the phrase means "How's it going?" in Russian. Fucking Russians.

"I don't think I've met an old person I haven't met." - Andy
Context: After having met my grandparents, Andy tried to explain....something.....

"Cole, you benefitted from the fact that I'm a reasonable maniac." - Andy
Context: While playing a game of RISK, I broke a non-agression pact with Andy, and completely wiped him out of North America. This left many of my forces stretched thin, and Andy naturally wanted retribution. Deciding that going for a vengeance attack against me would not serve his ultimate objective, however, Andy decided not to.

"Come on Rajeev!" - Chris
Context: During RISK, Andy's China was attacking Chris's India, as Andy attempted to wipe Chris off the board. In his desparate attempt to remain alive, Chris called upon the strength of everyone's favorite Indian law student before rolling the die.

"To the left of the moon. It's the only one in the sky that's moving!" - Andy
"Do you mean the one that isn't moving?" - Ryan
Context: While lying on the beach very early in the morning, a possibly still-drunk Mr. Martinez pointed to an allegedly-moving satellite in the night sky, which, as it turns out, was in fact not moving at all, and was a star.

"But the Monaco still stands!" - Cole
- then later -
"That will be our war cry - Remember the Monaco!" - Cole
Context: Lying on the beach, early in the morning, discussing global terrorism. Andy suggested that we had been lying on the beach for over two hours, and in that time America could have fallen without us knowing it. I countered this assertion by pointing out that our monument to liberty, the Monaco Resort, had not yet fallen, but if it did, we would not go down without a fight.

"Cats are alright, as far as fighting them, but beach cats are by far the snobbiest." - Chris
Context: Our resident animal fighter, after twice attacking a stray cat on the beach and twice being thwarted.

"Not that I pass judgment on them.....well, yeah, okay, I do...." - Chris
Context: Something in reference to the Hmong people and crazy traditions he was forced to read about in his book, if I remember correctly.

"That guy would have sucked my cock if I was a dude. .....Oh, wait...nevermind." - Andy
Context: Referring to our waiter at a seafood restaurant who was overly friendly, and more than a bit pushy, but quite pleased by Andy ordering lobster.

"If anybody asks, we'll just tell them we're stupid." - Cole
Context: While driving aggressively down I-95 heading toward South Beach on St. Patricks day, we were all pretty excited, and some of us drunk.

"You can't be given the right of way - - you have to take it." - Cole
Context: My philosophy on driving, uttered moments after executing a particularly aggressive driving maneuver.

"Ryan, you're the intellectual, Cole's the natural, I'm the jackass, and we'll all do much better than him." - Chris
Context: Extremely drunk at a bar on St Patricks day, while contemplating whether we will make good lawyers compared to a certain douchebag who shall remain nameless.

"This is what it must have felt like when they attacked Pearl Harbor." - Andy
- then later -
"I feel like I just walked in on my wife having sex with another man." - Andy
Context: Andy, upon discovering that Ryan also has a RAZR phone, expressing his shock and disillusionment. Andy, of course, tends to molest his phone in public displays of affection to celebrate its greatness, after having coveted it for an entire year before finally buying one. Ryan, on the other hand, purchased his before Andy, but never told anyone.

"I went to buy a donut, and he said it was 74 cents for one, and only 55 cents for two." - Cole
Context: Explaining why I was holding two donuts after leaving a gas station in Georgia. To this day, none of us knows what the hell was going on there.

"It's my car, I can pee on the floor if I want to." - Andy
Context: While I expressed concern that Andy might get the sunflower seeds he just purchased all over the floor, Andy pointed out that it was his vehicle, and he can damn well do what he pleases in no uncertain terms.

This is a pretty good representation of our fantastic voyage to Florida and back.