I'm pleased to announce the emergency surgery on Zombie Rehnquist, a "comedy" sketch for our upcoming Law Revue variety show, was a complete success. As anyone who had the misfortune of reading it or hearing it performed will attest, that sketch was an unmitigated disaster waiting to happen. Even the first attempt by our show director did little to improve it. But I had an idea to completely revamp it, one which actually kept me up until 4am Tuesday night because ideas kept coming to me when I was trying to fall asleep. I ended up having to skip classes the next morning because I was too tired to go anywhere and I wanted to finish putting it together. But I finished it and sent it off for review, and we did our first read-through last night at rehearsal. Judging by the amount of laughter it received, as well as one joke that actually made everyone stop and applaud (which was, quite simply, the greatest feeling ever), the new version is leaps and bounds above the old.
All in all, the entire show is looking pretty good, especially without the gaping black hole that was Zombie Rehnquist. The other shows that were a little iffy are starting to gel, and the shows that were pretty good before are looking great. I won't go so far as to say it will be better than last year, which I thought was really good, but if we can perform it well, it should be awesome.
(Points to genitals)
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Monday, March 27, 2006
Blowing Shit Up For The Cause
As my first movie review was well-accepted by the populace, I have decided to review new movies regularly. So for the second in my series of movie reviews, I bring you
V for Vendetta
There are two main reasons I watch action and/or science fiction movies –
1) Kung fu fighting and general bad-assery
2) Metaphorical renditions of the conflict between good and evil, between right and wrong, and between justice and injustice.
Admittedly, this leads me to watch a great deal of absolutely horrendous movies (re: Ultraviolet). I generally don’t mind watching a terrible movie now and then, because I can see what goes wrong, and why. But more importantly, it makes me appreciate a good action/sci fi movie done well. The Matrix trilogy. The Lord of the Rings trilogy. The Star Wars trilogies (minus Episode I). Serenity. The Spiderman and Batman franchises, especially the last offerings of each. Ambitious, compelling movies with heroic characters dealing with difficult issues of politics, religion, individual rights and liberties, philosophy, etc. The plots of these movies are premised in fantasy, which allows the fighting and adventure to be exciting while wholly unrealistic. But the conflicts, and the basic themes and ideas behind them, can easily be transposed to actual issues we face today. The common theme running through each is that good people take action against injustice, and by doing so become heroes, regardless of whether or not they succeed. And when done well, a movie like this dazzles me visually with action while engaging me intellectually with ideas.
With this as a basis, V for Vendetta is a fantastic movie. The premise is that a totalitarian government has been elected in Great Britain after multiple terrorist attacks and other scares. This government cracked down on the threats of terrorism by introducing highly intrusive and restrictive methods of surveillance and control, such as phone taps on everything, color-coded curfews, and government vans driving around using devices to listen in on the conversations going on in private homes. Conformity is mandatory, and any type of behavior outside of the norm is strictly prohibited. They also control the media by having one television station with acceptable programming only, and using propaganda to assure the citizens the government has everything under control. The citizens have accepted these measures as necessary to combat the awful threats, allowing their civil liberties to be rolled back for the sake of security.
V is a hero, if not the hero of the piece. A masked man who believes in the use of symbols as a means of altering history and changing perceptions. He comes off as a dashing, heroic intellectual, who brazenly challenges the status quo. However, his methods involve, simply put, acts of terrorism. He blows up buildings, takes hostages, and assassinates those who oppose him. Of course, he takes pains to blow up only empty buildings and to not kill innocent people. But his methods are undeniably terroristic. And therein lies a provocative question of the movie - - is the use of terrorism acceptable to combat tyranny?
One minor qualm I have with V for Vendetta is that it makes the argument for V a little too easily. The villains he targets are, for the most part, unequivocally evil. Therefore, V’s actions seem not only just but entirely righteous. Sure, he’s killing people; taking human lives is absolutely central to his MO. But these people are so dyed in the wool evil, it’s hard to care that, ultimately, he is committing murder. The question of whether such acts of terrorism are acceptable would be a much more compelling question when the targets aren’t so clearly evil.
To be fair to the movie, some of V’s targets are more morally ambiguous. And though willing to kill for the cause, V does express remorse for his actions. And, after all, the movie is principally there to entertain, so delving any deeper into this question would most likely have detracted from the entertainment value. The fact that the movie raises such a powerful question and provides a thoughtful allegory to explore the issues involved is laudable in itself. Therefore, stacking the deck in favor of the hero isn’t much of a flaw.
I’m not going to go much further into the plot, as I did with Ultraviolet, because some of you may actually watch it at some point. And I’m still foggy on some of the exact details involving the back story, which weren’t all that clearly portrayed. But I will say that the movie is challenging and thought-provoking as well as exciting and enjoyable, and the themes are especially relevant now, in a time when clashes between liberty and security are at the forefront of politics. Overall, an ambitious film with ample vicarious thrills of fighting injustice, both physically and symbolically.
My score: A-
Recommendation: If you’re anything like me, this is a must-see
V for Vendetta
There are two main reasons I watch action and/or science fiction movies –
1) Kung fu fighting and general bad-assery
2) Metaphorical renditions of the conflict between good and evil, between right and wrong, and between justice and injustice.
Admittedly, this leads me to watch a great deal of absolutely horrendous movies (re: Ultraviolet). I generally don’t mind watching a terrible movie now and then, because I can see what goes wrong, and why. But more importantly, it makes me appreciate a good action/sci fi movie done well. The Matrix trilogy. The Lord of the Rings trilogy. The Star Wars trilogies (minus Episode I). Serenity. The Spiderman and Batman franchises, especially the last offerings of each. Ambitious, compelling movies with heroic characters dealing with difficult issues of politics, religion, individual rights and liberties, philosophy, etc. The plots of these movies are premised in fantasy, which allows the fighting and adventure to be exciting while wholly unrealistic. But the conflicts, and the basic themes and ideas behind them, can easily be transposed to actual issues we face today. The common theme running through each is that good people take action against injustice, and by doing so become heroes, regardless of whether or not they succeed. And when done well, a movie like this dazzles me visually with action while engaging me intellectually with ideas.
With this as a basis, V for Vendetta is a fantastic movie. The premise is that a totalitarian government has been elected in Great Britain after multiple terrorist attacks and other scares. This government cracked down on the threats of terrorism by introducing highly intrusive and restrictive methods of surveillance and control, such as phone taps on everything, color-coded curfews, and government vans driving around using devices to listen in on the conversations going on in private homes. Conformity is mandatory, and any type of behavior outside of the norm is strictly prohibited. They also control the media by having one television station with acceptable programming only, and using propaganda to assure the citizens the government has everything under control. The citizens have accepted these measures as necessary to combat the awful threats, allowing their civil liberties to be rolled back for the sake of security.
V is a hero, if not the hero of the piece. A masked man who believes in the use of symbols as a means of altering history and changing perceptions. He comes off as a dashing, heroic intellectual, who brazenly challenges the status quo. However, his methods involve, simply put, acts of terrorism. He blows up buildings, takes hostages, and assassinates those who oppose him. Of course, he takes pains to blow up only empty buildings and to not kill innocent people. But his methods are undeniably terroristic. And therein lies a provocative question of the movie - - is the use of terrorism acceptable to combat tyranny?
One minor qualm I have with V for Vendetta is that it makes the argument for V a little too easily. The villains he targets are, for the most part, unequivocally evil. Therefore, V’s actions seem not only just but entirely righteous. Sure, he’s killing people; taking human lives is absolutely central to his MO. But these people are so dyed in the wool evil, it’s hard to care that, ultimately, he is committing murder. The question of whether such acts of terrorism are acceptable would be a much more compelling question when the targets aren’t so clearly evil.
To be fair to the movie, some of V’s targets are more morally ambiguous. And though willing to kill for the cause, V does express remorse for his actions. And, after all, the movie is principally there to entertain, so delving any deeper into this question would most likely have detracted from the entertainment value. The fact that the movie raises such a powerful question and provides a thoughtful allegory to explore the issues involved is laudable in itself. Therefore, stacking the deck in favor of the hero isn’t much of a flaw.
I’m not going to go much further into the plot, as I did with Ultraviolet, because some of you may actually watch it at some point. And I’m still foggy on some of the exact details involving the back story, which weren’t all that clearly portrayed. But I will say that the movie is challenging and thought-provoking as well as exciting and enjoyable, and the themes are especially relevant now, in a time when clashes between liberty and security are at the forefront of politics. Overall, an ambitious film with ample vicarious thrills of fighting injustice, both physically and symbolically.
My score: A-
Recommendation: If you’re anything like me, this is a must-see
The Laws of the States
I have recently conducted intensive research into state law, and have created a list of my favorite state laws. Many are no longer in effect, but they were all valid at one point. So here they are, top ten state laws:
10. Oklahoma: Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
9. Massachusetts: Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
8. Iowa: Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes
7. Iowa: You may shoot Native Americans if there are more than five of them on your property at any one time.
6. Kentucky: It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
5. Tie - Louisiana - You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.
- Georgia: It's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
4. Illinois (Zion): It is illegal for anyone to give cats, dogs, or other domesticated animals a lighted cigar.
3. Maryland (Baltimore): It is not legal to take a lion to the movies.
2. Rhode Island: It's a misdemeanor to keep more than 11 inoperable vehicles in front of a house.
1. Alaska: It is illegal to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
Not surprisingly, most of these involve the regulation of animal activities. Of course, you've got to assume that some jackass took a lion to the movies, tied a giraffe to a telephone pole, or gave a lit cigar to a cat, and some other jackass spotted them and said "Hey, there oughta be a law against that!" You've got to love law in action.
These laws beg some questions - - for instance, is it legal to push a dead moose out of a moving airplane? Is the RI legislature really okay with someone having 11 inoperable vehicles on their yard, but once they put that 12th one out there it's like, "No no, this time you've gone too far." ? Well, one thing's for certain, passing laws like these are exactly why I want to go to Congress. My first act in office - sponsoring a bill which makes it illegal to kick, poke, tease, or otherwise harass any live whale, regardless of whether or not it is lying in your yard. This is an issue Wisconsinites are concerned about, and something they will no longer tolerate.
Remember, a vote for Cole Ruby is a vote against whale pestering.
10. Oklahoma: Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
9. Massachusetts: Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
8. Iowa: Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes
7. Iowa: You may shoot Native Americans if there are more than five of them on your property at any one time.
6. Kentucky: It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
5. Tie - Louisiana - You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.
- Georgia: It's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
4. Illinois (Zion): It is illegal for anyone to give cats, dogs, or other domesticated animals a lighted cigar.
3. Maryland (Baltimore): It is not legal to take a lion to the movies.
2. Rhode Island: It's a misdemeanor to keep more than 11 inoperable vehicles in front of a house.
1. Alaska: It is illegal to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
Not surprisingly, most of these involve the regulation of animal activities. Of course, you've got to assume that some jackass took a lion to the movies, tied a giraffe to a telephone pole, or gave a lit cigar to a cat, and some other jackass spotted them and said "Hey, there oughta be a law against that!" You've got to love law in action.
These laws beg some questions - - for instance, is it legal to push a dead moose out of a moving airplane? Is the RI legislature really okay with someone having 11 inoperable vehicles on their yard, but once they put that 12th one out there it's like, "No no, this time you've gone too far." ? Well, one thing's for certain, passing laws like these are exactly why I want to go to Congress. My first act in office - sponsoring a bill which makes it illegal to kick, poke, tease, or otherwise harass any live whale, regardless of whether or not it is lying in your yard. This is an issue Wisconsinites are concerned about, and something they will no longer tolerate.
Remember, a vote for Cole Ruby is a vote against whale pestering.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
St Etienne
Finally loaded my pictures from France into the computer. Just going to post a few - these pictures are of St Etienne's Cathedral (I think), which is quite possibly the most beautiful man-made place I have ever seen in my life. White marble as far as the eye can see - columns, spiral staircases, high arches, plus the requisite stained glass windows. It's somewhere in downtown Paris, and if you ever feel like visiting and/or conquering France, don't hesitate to swing by.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Apparently I'm a Schizoid
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid Disorder: | Low |
| Schizoid Disorder: | High |
| Schizotypal Disorder: | Low |
| Antisocial Disorder: | Low |
| Borderline Disorder: | Low |
| Histrionic Disorder: | Low |
| Narcissistic Disorder: | Moderate |
| Avoidant Disorder: | Low |
| Dependent Disorder: | Low |
| Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: | Moderate |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders -- | |
I didn't actually know what the term "schizoid" meant before, but now that I read the explanation, it seems a little more accurate than I'm comfortable with.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Spring Break Quotable
Spring break is over, of course, as one can tell from the lack of white sandy beaches and anything resembling civilized weather conditions. I'm not going to recount the trip, as my esteemed colleague Mr. Martinez has aptly done this on his own blog. You can find that here:
Here is No Why: Spring Break Index
However, as the Senior Administrative Partner of the firm, I have dutifully been keeping track of the memorable quotes and other moments that must be recorded for the sake of history. With that in mind, I present the Spring Break Quotable:
"That means Southern women with teeth have a lot of determination." - Chris Zachar
Context: On the drive down, Chris discussing the potential women we could meet.
"So you're saying the lake's filled with splooge?" - Chris
Context: Driving through Illinois, we passed by a sign advertising Clinton Lake.
"We will, we will cockslap you!!" - MZRM firm
Context: Driving down to Florida, listening to We Will Rock You by Queen. Someone had the brainstorm to alter the lyrics, and we gladly joined in the fun.
"Wait a minute - - is that a truck....hauling a bigger truck?" - Cole Ruby
Context: Me in a state of disbelief after having witnessed a small truck hauling a much larger truck behind it.
"Some birds are mammals, aren't they?" - Chris
Context: After driving straight through the night, now extremely tired, Mr. Zachar looked out the window, saw cows standing in a field, and asked, "What the fuck are those?" Someone pointed out that they were cows, and Chris said "I thought they were emus." We then had a discussion about whether or not pterodactyls could have been mammals, which only Chris believed was possible. This quote popped up somewhere in the discussion.
"What is your position?" - Dr. Goulino
Context: Cristina's father, trying to give us directions to his mansion.
"Laurence keeps challenging me to heads-up poker." - Cristina Goulino
"He probably means something else by that." - Ryan McNamara
"If he did, I'd be mildly interested." - Cristina
Context: On the beach, Cristina discussing her boyfriend's poker withdrawals.
"So...do you ladies know a nice clean place to stand?" - Cole
Context: After road-flirting with a two attractive girls in another vehicle, we pondered what would happen if they actually followed us back to our shithole motel room, and ways we could avoid that unfortunate possibility. This is one question we could have asked them.
"You've got half a thing in that gigantic box, which is the same thing Weston said." - Chris
Context: Refers to half a sandwhich inside a large styrofoam box in our refrigerator. Weston, of course, is our haggish, disgusting former Civil Procedure teacher, who I may or may not have had sex with, if you believe the unfortunate rumors.
"I've got to go with my friends." - Ryan
"Are they going to suck your dick tonight?" - Hooker
Context: Walking down a South Beach street in Miami after bar time, Ryan was accosted and propositioned by a hooker (who could possibly have been male - the jury's still out on that one). Ryan attempted to flee its clutches, and the hooker protested.
"I'm not even feeling it. I almost fell over, but that's besides the point." - Andy Martinez
Context: Drunk
"The Hand Formula for that would be If you want to smoke something, smoke this. (Points to genitals)." - Chris
Context: Ryan and Andy discussed whether they should carry a lighter at the bars, in case a pretty girl wanted to light a cigarette, as a possible means of starting conversation. I suggested that I didn't really want to meet a smoker, and Chris agreed, with this colorful comment. (And the Hand Formula, for any non-law readers, or law readers who don't remember, is a law formula which I cannot presently remember either.)
"Every morning I think of you and do a cock-pushup." - Chris, directed at Andy
Context: Self-explanatory
"I'm just really concerned that I'm always going to live in the shadow of Andrew W.K." - Andy
Context: Andrew WK is the singer that made the song "Party Hard," and coincidentally also attended school with Mr. McNamara. As for what prompted the comment.....you've got me.
"You don't like Five For Fighting?" - Chris
Context: Chris has a universally agreed-upon bad taste in music, and he asked this classic question in disbelief.
"That's like saying "What, you guys don't like Hitler?"" - Andy
Context: Response to Zachar's quote, as Andy apparently sees Five For Fighting as the musical equivalent of a Holocaust.
"It would be a long time before anyone finds your body. ...And by then, all the water in the crotch will probably have washed away the DNA evidence." - Andy
Context: In the men's bathroom at a convenience store, with only Andy and I present. This man sure knows how to creep the shit out of someone.
"So there's another person added to the list of people that thinks I'm a giant asshole." - Andy
"Isn't there a waiting list to get on that list?" - Chris
Context: After Andy inadvertently stared at the chest of a cashier at KMart while attempting to read her shirt.
"The woman that replaced me, she just about ate herself out of a job." - Gordon Bradley
Context: My grandfather, who served as a Wisconsin state representative for twenty years, discussing the woman that filled his seat after he retired.
"Cock-zilla!" - The Fucking Russians
Context: Apparently the phrase means "How's it going?" in Russian. Fucking Russians.
"I don't think I've met an old person I haven't met." - Andy
Context: After having met my grandparents, Andy tried to explain....something.....
"Cole, you benefitted from the fact that I'm a reasonable maniac." - Andy
Context: While playing a game of RISK, I broke a non-agression pact with Andy, and completely wiped him out of North America. This left many of my forces stretched thin, and Andy naturally wanted retribution. Deciding that going for a vengeance attack against me would not serve his ultimate objective, however, Andy decided not to.
"Come on Rajeev!" - Chris
Context: During RISK, Andy's China was attacking Chris's India, as Andy attempted to wipe Chris off the board. In his desparate attempt to remain alive, Chris called upon the strength of everyone's favorite Indian law student before rolling the die.
"To the left of the moon. It's the only one in the sky that's moving!" - Andy
"Do you mean the one that isn't moving?" - Ryan
Context: While lying on the beach very early in the morning, a possibly still-drunk Mr. Martinez pointed to an allegedly-moving satellite in the night sky, which, as it turns out, was in fact not moving at all, and was a star.
"But the Monaco still stands!" - Cole
- then later -
"That will be our war cry - Remember the Monaco!" - Cole
Context: Lying on the beach, early in the morning, discussing global terrorism. Andy suggested that we had been lying on the beach for over two hours, and in that time America could have fallen without us knowing it. I countered this assertion by pointing out that our monument to liberty, the Monaco Resort, had not yet fallen, but if it did, we would not go down without a fight.
"Cats are alright, as far as fighting them, but beach cats are by far the snobbiest." - Chris
Context: Our resident animal fighter, after twice attacking a stray cat on the beach and twice being thwarted.
"Not that I pass judgment on them.....well, yeah, okay, I do...." - Chris
Context: Something in reference to the Hmong people and crazy traditions he was forced to read about in his book, if I remember correctly.
"That guy would have sucked my cock if I was a dude. .....Oh, wait...nevermind." - Andy
Context: Referring to our waiter at a seafood restaurant who was overly friendly, and more than a bit pushy, but quite pleased by Andy ordering lobster.
"If anybody asks, we'll just tell them we're stupid." - Cole
Context: While driving aggressively down I-95 heading toward South Beach on St. Patricks day, we were all pretty excited, and some of us drunk.
"You can't be given the right of way - - you have to take it." - Cole
Context: My philosophy on driving, uttered moments after executing a particularly aggressive driving maneuver.
"Ryan, you're the intellectual, Cole's the natural, I'm the jackass, and we'll all do much better than him." - Chris
Context: Extremely drunk at a bar on St Patricks day, while contemplating whether we will make good lawyers compared to a certain douchebag who shall remain nameless.
"This is what it must have felt like when they attacked Pearl Harbor." - Andy
- then later -
"I feel like I just walked in on my wife having sex with another man." - Andy
Context: Andy, upon discovering that Ryan also has a RAZR phone, expressing his shock and disillusionment. Andy, of course, tends to molest his phone in public displays of affection to celebrate its greatness, after having coveted it for an entire year before finally buying one. Ryan, on the other hand, purchased his before Andy, but never told anyone.
"I went to buy a donut, and he said it was 74 cents for one, and only 55 cents for two." - Cole
Context: Explaining why I was holding two donuts after leaving a gas station in Georgia. To this day, none of us knows what the hell was going on there.
"It's my car, I can pee on the floor if I want to." - Andy
Context: While I expressed concern that Andy might get the sunflower seeds he just purchased all over the floor, Andy pointed out that it was his vehicle, and he can damn well do what he pleases in no uncertain terms.
This is a pretty good representation of our fantastic voyage to Florida and back.
Here is No Why: Spring Break Index
However, as the Senior Administrative Partner of the firm, I have dutifully been keeping track of the memorable quotes and other moments that must be recorded for the sake of history. With that in mind, I present the Spring Break Quotable:
"That means Southern women with teeth have a lot of determination." - Chris Zachar
Context: On the drive down, Chris discussing the potential women we could meet.
"So you're saying the lake's filled with splooge?" - Chris
Context: Driving through Illinois, we passed by a sign advertising Clinton Lake.
"We will, we will cockslap you!!" - MZRM firm
Context: Driving down to Florida, listening to We Will Rock You by Queen. Someone had the brainstorm to alter the lyrics, and we gladly joined in the fun.
"Wait a minute - - is that a truck....hauling a bigger truck?" - Cole Ruby
Context: Me in a state of disbelief after having witnessed a small truck hauling a much larger truck behind it.
"Some birds are mammals, aren't they?" - Chris
Context: After driving straight through the night, now extremely tired, Mr. Zachar looked out the window, saw cows standing in a field, and asked, "What the fuck are those?" Someone pointed out that they were cows, and Chris said "I thought they were emus." We then had a discussion about whether or not pterodactyls could have been mammals, which only Chris believed was possible. This quote popped up somewhere in the discussion.
"What is your position?" - Dr. Goulino
Context: Cristina's father, trying to give us directions to his mansion.
"Laurence keeps challenging me to heads-up poker." - Cristina Goulino
"He probably means something else by that." - Ryan McNamara
"If he did, I'd be mildly interested." - Cristina
Context: On the beach, Cristina discussing her boyfriend's poker withdrawals.
"So...do you ladies know a nice clean place to stand?" - Cole
Context: After road-flirting with a two attractive girls in another vehicle, we pondered what would happen if they actually followed us back to our shithole motel room, and ways we could avoid that unfortunate possibility. This is one question we could have asked them.
"You've got half a thing in that gigantic box, which is the same thing Weston said." - Chris
Context: Refers to half a sandwhich inside a large styrofoam box in our refrigerator. Weston, of course, is our haggish, disgusting former Civil Procedure teacher, who I may or may not have had sex with, if you believe the unfortunate rumors.
"I've got to go with my friends." - Ryan
"Are they going to suck your dick tonight?" - Hooker
Context: Walking down a South Beach street in Miami after bar time, Ryan was accosted and propositioned by a hooker (who could possibly have been male - the jury's still out on that one). Ryan attempted to flee its clutches, and the hooker protested.
"I'm not even feeling it. I almost fell over, but that's besides the point." - Andy Martinez
Context: Drunk
"The Hand Formula for that would be If you want to smoke something, smoke this. (Points to genitals)." - Chris
Context: Ryan and Andy discussed whether they should carry a lighter at the bars, in case a pretty girl wanted to light a cigarette, as a possible means of starting conversation. I suggested that I didn't really want to meet a smoker, and Chris agreed, with this colorful comment. (And the Hand Formula, for any non-law readers, or law readers who don't remember, is a law formula which I cannot presently remember either.)
"Every morning I think of you and do a cock-pushup." - Chris, directed at Andy
Context: Self-explanatory
"I'm just really concerned that I'm always going to live in the shadow of Andrew W.K." - Andy
Context: Andrew WK is the singer that made the song "Party Hard," and coincidentally also attended school with Mr. McNamara. As for what prompted the comment.....you've got me.
"You don't like Five For Fighting?" - Chris
Context: Chris has a universally agreed-upon bad taste in music, and he asked this classic question in disbelief.
"That's like saying "What, you guys don't like Hitler?"" - Andy
Context: Response to Zachar's quote, as Andy apparently sees Five For Fighting as the musical equivalent of a Holocaust.
"It would be a long time before anyone finds your body. ...And by then, all the water in the crotch will probably have washed away the DNA evidence." - Andy
Context: In the men's bathroom at a convenience store, with only Andy and I present. This man sure knows how to creep the shit out of someone.
"So there's another person added to the list of people that thinks I'm a giant asshole." - Andy
"Isn't there a waiting list to get on that list?" - Chris
Context: After Andy inadvertently stared at the chest of a cashier at KMart while attempting to read her shirt.
"The woman that replaced me, she just about ate herself out of a job." - Gordon Bradley
Context: My grandfather, who served as a Wisconsin state representative for twenty years, discussing the woman that filled his seat after he retired.
"Cock-zilla!" - The Fucking Russians
Context: Apparently the phrase means "How's it going?" in Russian. Fucking Russians.
"I don't think I've met an old person I haven't met." - Andy
Context: After having met my grandparents, Andy tried to explain....something.....
"Cole, you benefitted from the fact that I'm a reasonable maniac." - Andy
Context: While playing a game of RISK, I broke a non-agression pact with Andy, and completely wiped him out of North America. This left many of my forces stretched thin, and Andy naturally wanted retribution. Deciding that going for a vengeance attack against me would not serve his ultimate objective, however, Andy decided not to.
"Come on Rajeev!" - Chris
Context: During RISK, Andy's China was attacking Chris's India, as Andy attempted to wipe Chris off the board. In his desparate attempt to remain alive, Chris called upon the strength of everyone's favorite Indian law student before rolling the die.
"To the left of the moon. It's the only one in the sky that's moving!" - Andy
"Do you mean the one that isn't moving?" - Ryan
Context: While lying on the beach very early in the morning, a possibly still-drunk Mr. Martinez pointed to an allegedly-moving satellite in the night sky, which, as it turns out, was in fact not moving at all, and was a star.
"But the Monaco still stands!" - Cole
- then later -
"That will be our war cry - Remember the Monaco!" - Cole
Context: Lying on the beach, early in the morning, discussing global terrorism. Andy suggested that we had been lying on the beach for over two hours, and in that time America could have fallen without us knowing it. I countered this assertion by pointing out that our monument to liberty, the Monaco Resort, had not yet fallen, but if it did, we would not go down without a fight.
"Cats are alright, as far as fighting them, but beach cats are by far the snobbiest." - Chris
Context: Our resident animal fighter, after twice attacking a stray cat on the beach and twice being thwarted.
"Not that I pass judgment on them.....well, yeah, okay, I do...." - Chris
Context: Something in reference to the Hmong people and crazy traditions he was forced to read about in his book, if I remember correctly.
"That guy would have sucked my cock if I was a dude. .....Oh, wait...nevermind." - Andy
Context: Referring to our waiter at a seafood restaurant who was overly friendly, and more than a bit pushy, but quite pleased by Andy ordering lobster.
"If anybody asks, we'll just tell them we're stupid." - Cole
Context: While driving aggressively down I-95 heading toward South Beach on St. Patricks day, we were all pretty excited, and some of us drunk.
"You can't be given the right of way - - you have to take it." - Cole
Context: My philosophy on driving, uttered moments after executing a particularly aggressive driving maneuver.
"Ryan, you're the intellectual, Cole's the natural, I'm the jackass, and we'll all do much better than him." - Chris
Context: Extremely drunk at a bar on St Patricks day, while contemplating whether we will make good lawyers compared to a certain douchebag who shall remain nameless.
"This is what it must have felt like when they attacked Pearl Harbor." - Andy
- then later -
"I feel like I just walked in on my wife having sex with another man." - Andy
Context: Andy, upon discovering that Ryan also has a RAZR phone, expressing his shock and disillusionment. Andy, of course, tends to molest his phone in public displays of affection to celebrate its greatness, after having coveted it for an entire year before finally buying one. Ryan, on the other hand, purchased his before Andy, but never told anyone.
"I went to buy a donut, and he said it was 74 cents for one, and only 55 cents for two." - Cole
Context: Explaining why I was holding two donuts after leaving a gas station in Georgia. To this day, none of us knows what the hell was going on there.
"It's my car, I can pee on the floor if I want to." - Andy
Context: While I expressed concern that Andy might get the sunflower seeds he just purchased all over the floor, Andy pointed out that it was his vehicle, and he can damn well do what he pleases in no uncertain terms.
This is a pretty good representation of our fantastic voyage to Florida and back.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Parting Shots
Tomorrow. Miami. It's on.
Just to show you the proportions of on-ness it has reached, the following is an actual conversation I recently had with the spokesman for the United Organization of Unified Douchebags, who visited the MZRM offices this morning:
UOUD Spokesman Douchebag:
Uh, listen. We understand that your firm is planning a little trip over the next week, but several problems have arisen that will need your immediate attention, and...well look, I just came down here to tell you... Ih it's not on.
VICE:
Oh, it's on!
UOUD Spokesman Douchebag:
Nonono, it's not on.
VICE:
Whoo, it's on all right!
UOUD Spokesman Douchebag:
It isn't on. Nothing's on. It's off.
VICE:
[insistent] It's on!
UOUD Spokesman Douchebag:
I'm going to have to ask you guys to be here on Saturday. I just came by to let you know so you can... put a stop to all this. Good bye. [turns around and walks away]
VICE:
Hold on a second, clamhead! [catches him and blocks his way] You think you can just roll in here and tell us it's not on when it very clearly is on?!
At which point, I gave him a vicious roundhouse to the face, then wailed on my guitar, and swallowed a knife to show how seriously on it is.
See ya when I see ya.
Just to show you the proportions of on-ness it has reached, the following is an actual conversation I recently had with the spokesman for the United Organization of Unified Douchebags, who visited the MZRM offices this morning:
UOUD Spokesman Douchebag:
Uh, listen. We understand that your firm is planning a little trip over the next week, but several problems have arisen that will need your immediate attention, and...well look, I just came down here to tell you... Ih it's not on.
VICE:
Oh, it's on!
UOUD Spokesman Douchebag:
Nonono, it's not on.
VICE:
Whoo, it's on all right!
UOUD Spokesman Douchebag:
It isn't on. Nothing's on. It's off.
VICE:
[insistent] It's on!
UOUD Spokesman Douchebag:
I'm going to have to ask you guys to be here on Saturday. I just came by to let you know so you can... put a stop to all this. Good bye. [turns around and walks away]
VICE:
Hold on a second, clamhead! [catches him and blocks his way] You think you can just roll in here and tell us it's not on when it very clearly is on?!
At which point, I gave him a vicious roundhouse to the face, then wailed on my guitar, and swallowed a knife to show how seriously on it is.
See ya when I see ya.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Resolved:
Resolution 1: I intend to eat far fewer animal crackers today than I did yesterday.
Resolution 2: All "Hybrid entities" discussed in BizOrgs will hereby be referred to as "Mutants."
Resolution 2: All "Hybrid entities" discussed in BizOrgs will hereby be referred to as "Mutants."
Monday, March 06, 2006
So Pretty, Yet So Stupid
Since it has become clear that the only thing I’m good for lately is movies and television, I thought it’d be appropriate for me to do movie reviews on here. To that end –
Ultraviolet
You’ve seen this girl before. You think to yourself “Wow – you look absolutely gorgeous. I should take some time and get to know you.” Then you spend time with her, and you’re left with “Wow – you look absolutely gorgeous. Too bad you’re such a terrible, terrible person.” This is Ultraviolet. It’s set in the future, where all of the architecture is done with exotic colors. So the setting is really cool, compared to most futuristic movies where everything is dark and dreary. It starts out with narration of how we got there, then throws us into the action. Let me tell you, the action looks spectacular. Violet kills about twenty guys, gets what she came for, then runs for her life. Then she meets more people, then runs for her life. This, unfortunately, is the crux of the story.
I’m going to break this down in simplistic terms, since there is absolutely no depth to it whatsoever. Violet meets another room of twenty guys. These guys are Asian. They speak a language I don’t understand, and Violet talks with them for a bit. There are no subtitles, so I have no idea what’s going on, except that they don’t like each other. The guys pull out guns and start shooting. Violet is unarmed, but since these guys are arranged in a circle around her, she just ducks and dodges as the bullets sail by, and the Asian guys kill each other. So what’s wrong with this scene? For starters, I thought Asians were smarter than that. No, wait, the bigger problem? I thought movie writers were smarter than that. This scene is so brazenly stupid it just blows my mind. Would these guys really just start firing away when their comrades are right on the other side? Is standing in a circle and firing off bullets at a target in the center the best way to solve this problem?
Well, now she’s on the run again. No time for character development. No time for any semblance of story. Oh, there’s a plot, don’t get me wrong. Unfortunately, it’s incomprehensible, and only comes in to during the sparing moments necessary to set up the next action sequence.
Still, I haven’t lost hope quite yet. Moving on, Violet has to find out some secrets and protect this young boy who is dying. To do so, she has to take on this guy and his corporation. And his 45 billion soldiers, all dressed in black. In fact, he warns her against this by saying “I have 7,000 soldiers. What can you possibly do?” In what is perhaps the greatest moment of cinematic foreshadowing I have ever seen, she replies, “I can kill them.” So what does she do? She walks into the building and starts killing them, I swear to God.
So we get some mega-action sequences. Once again, the stunning visual beauty of the sequences is surpassed only by their staggering stupidity. The plot holes are so numerous I can’t even begin to describe them all, except to say they come together to form a monstrous plot black hole, causing the entire move to collapse unto itself in an incredible display of filmmaking ineptitude.
Synopsis - Violet pulls out some machine guns and starts shooting people. Once everyone in the room is dead, more soldiers rush in, machine guns in hand. Violet shoots them all. The only thing that could make this any better? If more soldiers rush in, and Violet shoots them. And do they ever. But after awhile, you start to wonder – are their machine guns just props? Never once do these soldiers use their machine guns to, oh, let’s say, SHOOT AT THE BITCH. They charge in, guns in hand, and….run at her. Apparently the thinking behind this is, if they stack up enough dead bodies in the room, there will be an impenetrable wall of dead bodies, and she’ll just have to turn around and call it a day. Somehow, this plan fails, and Violet continues on her way through the building. I guess the point of this is to show you that Violet can kill billions and billions of people, all without getting a scratch on her. Sometimes she even uses a sword.
Now, again, don’t get me wrong – I like seeing when one character takes one scores of bad guys. The Matrix Reloaded is probably my favorite movie, and Neo takes on everyone and their momma. But somehow it seemed infinitely more plausible than Violet doing it in this movie. For one thing, Neo occasionally took a hit. He’d get knocked down, then get up and keep fighting. This is what gave the scenes some drama – not only were the fights breathtaking, they were also dramatic in the sense that, while we know he’ll win in the end, it’s clearly going to be a struggle to get there. Violet may as well have been taking on cardboard cutouts for all the damage they were capable of.
But wait, doesn’t that just make her more bad-ass? Maybe I’m just a sexist. Clearly I am, and the reason I don’t like this movie is that there’s a woman in it, and that never once did she make me some pie. But that wasn’t it. In fact, I had a bag of Twizzlers with me, and that’s the only thing that kept me from walking out of the movie halfway through, and I never do that. Not even during Freddie Got Fingered, which attempted to destroy everything that was right and good with the world, and offended me as a human being.
No, this movie was just wrong. Why did the bad guys not shoot at her? Perhaps they saw what happened with the Asian guys. Even still, they weren’t in a circle, so that wouldn’t have been an issue. So why didn’t they shoot at her? Why didn’t they use grenades, or unleash a toxic gas? The bad guys couldn’t do this to Neo because he could stop bullets with his mind. (Or, on occasion, turn them into doves.) Implausible? Sure. But the movie’s premise was that he was in a computer-simulated world, and by understanding that the world wasn’t real, he could bend the rules of the world with his mind. So shooting at him wouldn’t do any good. There was no such problem with Violet, yet the bad guys respectfully declined. And quickly I tire of jumping over these plot holes.
Then she fights the main bad guy (or, the Boss Dog, in the world of Zachar). They fight with swords, not guns. Good, I think. Of course, this guy doesn’t have any real powers I’m aware of, besides being extremely rich. So why in the hell he thinks he can defeat her after his 45 billion mentally deficient soldiers couldn’t is beyond me, but I’m so tired of thinking at this point, let’s just watch a sword fight. It seemed cool, then the lights went out, and they fought with flaming swords. Again, it looked cool, then she killed him. Then she was reunited with the boy, who had already died. And oh yeah, she died once in the movie too. The bad guys surrounded her and the boy. The boy died of his disease, and she was so sad she didn’t fight back when they stabbed her. Then suddenly she was back with this one good guy, a scientist, who somehow brought her back from the dead. Of course, I’d like to ask why the bad guys so graciously delivered the body of their mortal enemy to this good guy. But then, they’ve proven themselves exceedingly stupid and self-destructive in all previous instances, so why not.
The boss dog falls over, and Violet reunites with the boy. But before their emotional reunion could commence, I grabbed my jacket and walked out of the theater. No need to spoil this with any moments of actual character development. The brilliant phrase “You’re not getting attached or anything, are you?” comes to mind here. I had spent 90 visually spectacular yet intellectually crippling minutes with her, and I didn’t feel like cuddling.
My score: D
Recommendation: Not unless you’re desperate
Ultraviolet
You’ve seen this girl before. You think to yourself “Wow – you look absolutely gorgeous. I should take some time and get to know you.” Then you spend time with her, and you’re left with “Wow – you look absolutely gorgeous. Too bad you’re such a terrible, terrible person.” This is Ultraviolet. It’s set in the future, where all of the architecture is done with exotic colors. So the setting is really cool, compared to most futuristic movies where everything is dark and dreary. It starts out with narration of how we got there, then throws us into the action. Let me tell you, the action looks spectacular. Violet kills about twenty guys, gets what she came for, then runs for her life. Then she meets more people, then runs for her life. This, unfortunately, is the crux of the story.
I’m going to break this down in simplistic terms, since there is absolutely no depth to it whatsoever. Violet meets another room of twenty guys. These guys are Asian. They speak a language I don’t understand, and Violet talks with them for a bit. There are no subtitles, so I have no idea what’s going on, except that they don’t like each other. The guys pull out guns and start shooting. Violet is unarmed, but since these guys are arranged in a circle around her, she just ducks and dodges as the bullets sail by, and the Asian guys kill each other. So what’s wrong with this scene? For starters, I thought Asians were smarter than that. No, wait, the bigger problem? I thought movie writers were smarter than that. This scene is so brazenly stupid it just blows my mind. Would these guys really just start firing away when their comrades are right on the other side? Is standing in a circle and firing off bullets at a target in the center the best way to solve this problem?
Well, now she’s on the run again. No time for character development. No time for any semblance of story. Oh, there’s a plot, don’t get me wrong. Unfortunately, it’s incomprehensible, and only comes in to during the sparing moments necessary to set up the next action sequence.
Still, I haven’t lost hope quite yet. Moving on, Violet has to find out some secrets and protect this young boy who is dying. To do so, she has to take on this guy and his corporation. And his 45 billion soldiers, all dressed in black. In fact, he warns her against this by saying “I have 7,000 soldiers. What can you possibly do?” In what is perhaps the greatest moment of cinematic foreshadowing I have ever seen, she replies, “I can kill them.” So what does she do? She walks into the building and starts killing them, I swear to God.
So we get some mega-action sequences. Once again, the stunning visual beauty of the sequences is surpassed only by their staggering stupidity. The plot holes are so numerous I can’t even begin to describe them all, except to say they come together to form a monstrous plot black hole, causing the entire move to collapse unto itself in an incredible display of filmmaking ineptitude.
Synopsis - Violet pulls out some machine guns and starts shooting people. Once everyone in the room is dead, more soldiers rush in, machine guns in hand. Violet shoots them all. The only thing that could make this any better? If more soldiers rush in, and Violet shoots them. And do they ever. But after awhile, you start to wonder – are their machine guns just props? Never once do these soldiers use their machine guns to, oh, let’s say, SHOOT AT THE BITCH. They charge in, guns in hand, and….run at her. Apparently the thinking behind this is, if they stack up enough dead bodies in the room, there will be an impenetrable wall of dead bodies, and she’ll just have to turn around and call it a day. Somehow, this plan fails, and Violet continues on her way through the building. I guess the point of this is to show you that Violet can kill billions and billions of people, all without getting a scratch on her. Sometimes she even uses a sword.
Now, again, don’t get me wrong – I like seeing when one character takes one scores of bad guys. The Matrix Reloaded is probably my favorite movie, and Neo takes on everyone and their momma. But somehow it seemed infinitely more plausible than Violet doing it in this movie. For one thing, Neo occasionally took a hit. He’d get knocked down, then get up and keep fighting. This is what gave the scenes some drama – not only were the fights breathtaking, they were also dramatic in the sense that, while we know he’ll win in the end, it’s clearly going to be a struggle to get there. Violet may as well have been taking on cardboard cutouts for all the damage they were capable of.
But wait, doesn’t that just make her more bad-ass? Maybe I’m just a sexist. Clearly I am, and the reason I don’t like this movie is that there’s a woman in it, and that never once did she make me some pie. But that wasn’t it. In fact, I had a bag of Twizzlers with me, and that’s the only thing that kept me from walking out of the movie halfway through, and I never do that. Not even during Freddie Got Fingered, which attempted to destroy everything that was right and good with the world, and offended me as a human being.
No, this movie was just wrong. Why did the bad guys not shoot at her? Perhaps they saw what happened with the Asian guys. Even still, they weren’t in a circle, so that wouldn’t have been an issue. So why didn’t they shoot at her? Why didn’t they use grenades, or unleash a toxic gas? The bad guys couldn’t do this to Neo because he could stop bullets with his mind. (Or, on occasion, turn them into doves.) Implausible? Sure. But the movie’s premise was that he was in a computer-simulated world, and by understanding that the world wasn’t real, he could bend the rules of the world with his mind. So shooting at him wouldn’t do any good. There was no such problem with Violet, yet the bad guys respectfully declined. And quickly I tire of jumping over these plot holes.
Then she fights the main bad guy (or, the Boss Dog, in the world of Zachar). They fight with swords, not guns. Good, I think. Of course, this guy doesn’t have any real powers I’m aware of, besides being extremely rich. So why in the hell he thinks he can defeat her after his 45 billion mentally deficient soldiers couldn’t is beyond me, but I’m so tired of thinking at this point, let’s just watch a sword fight. It seemed cool, then the lights went out, and they fought with flaming swords. Again, it looked cool, then she killed him. Then she was reunited with the boy, who had already died. And oh yeah, she died once in the movie too. The bad guys surrounded her and the boy. The boy died of his disease, and she was so sad she didn’t fight back when they stabbed her. Then suddenly she was back with this one good guy, a scientist, who somehow brought her back from the dead. Of course, I’d like to ask why the bad guys so graciously delivered the body of their mortal enemy to this good guy. But then, they’ve proven themselves exceedingly stupid and self-destructive in all previous instances, so why not.
The boss dog falls over, and Violet reunites with the boy. But before their emotional reunion could commence, I grabbed my jacket and walked out of the theater. No need to spoil this with any moments of actual character development. The brilliant phrase “You’re not getting attached or anything, are you?” comes to mind here. I had spent 90 visually spectacular yet intellectually crippling minutes with her, and I didn’t feel like cuddling.
My score: D
Recommendation: Not unless you’re desperate
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Days of Thunder
Cole Trickle here. Just made it back to Madison after a harrowing journey through the snow and slush. I saw probably upwards of 10 cars in the ditch, plus two two trucks and many cop cars out assisting people. And how did my driving skills fare on the road? I had one incident where I started fish-tailing, it got way out of control. Luckily I was on a straightaway and there was only one car nearby. It was still a little freaky because it was a two-lane road and the car was coming toward me, but he slowed down and I ended up doing about a 270, with my back end facing the opposite direction on the shoulder of the road. But I didn't go in the ditch, so I just turned around and kept going.
The big one came later. I got to Highway 151, which wasn't plowed (Which, by the way, what the hell??). I was going about 60-65, and seemed in control. Then a guy rolled past me in the left lane, and passing is always a tense situation because the left lane isn't nearly as clear as the right lane, since most people drive in the right lane in bad weather. So the guy starts passing me, and then we reach a curve in the road. All the sudden he starts sliding out of control, right up ahead of me. Then he skids sideways through my lane, so I cut over to the other lane, and just barely avoided him as he sailed by and slid backwards into the ditch. That was intense.
After that, I slowed down a little just to avoid ending up like that poor bastard, but I still had to pass pretty much everyone on the highway because they were all going like 45, and their lane was relatively clear by then. So it got a little scary trying to pass people when my lane was still slushy, but I got through okay. I think this demonstrates one point I've had problems convincing other people of - I really am a good driver. Not "good" in the sense of safe and rule-abiding, but "good" as in effective. Perhaps I'm just better suited to NASCAR-style venues.
And, in a related story, just as I was finishing this post, the guy in the next apartment over started shouting "Yes! Fuck you! Fuck you in your skanky, pregnant ass!" I can only assume he was talking to me.
The big one came later. I got to Highway 151, which wasn't plowed (Which, by the way, what the hell??). I was going about 60-65, and seemed in control. Then a guy rolled past me in the left lane, and passing is always a tense situation because the left lane isn't nearly as clear as the right lane, since most people drive in the right lane in bad weather. So the guy starts passing me, and then we reach a curve in the road. All the sudden he starts sliding out of control, right up ahead of me. Then he skids sideways through my lane, so I cut over to the other lane, and just barely avoided him as he sailed by and slid backwards into the ditch. That was intense.
After that, I slowed down a little just to avoid ending up like that poor bastard, but I still had to pass pretty much everyone on the highway because they were all going like 45, and their lane was relatively clear by then. So it got a little scary trying to pass people when my lane was still slushy, but I got through okay. I think this demonstrates one point I've had problems convincing other people of - I really am a good driver. Not "good" in the sense of safe and rule-abiding, but "good" as in effective. Perhaps I'm just better suited to NASCAR-style venues.
And, in a related story, just as I was finishing this post, the guy in the next apartment over started shouting "Yes! Fuck you! Fuck you in your skanky, pregnant ass!" I can only assume he was talking to me.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
It Was Good For Me
So I just got completely mindfucked by Contracts II, parol evidence, and partial integration. Do you ever have one of those days in class where you’ve read the material, you know the case, you know the ruling, you know what rule was applied, but once the class discusses it you find out its about a thousand times more complicated than you thought? That’s what happened. I had a vague understanding of what was going on, per usual, but today I paid attention in class. As it turns out, the rule of parol evidence isn’t quite so clear, and I spent about a half hour working through the differing interpretations in my head, trying to come up with exactly how they work, and the implications of each. You know how that is – you’ve got your logic bubble going full steam, and every time somebody speaks, the words invade your bubble so you try to tune them out, but then someone says something actually helpful, and you start all over. So yeah, it was one of those. And when I was finished, it felt like I really understood it. It felt like possibly my greatest intellectual achievement all semester. Suddenly this abstract concept had been screwed directly into my brain. So naturally I felt exhausted afterwards, and more than a little sated. I’m lighting up my mental cigarette right now.
Of course, this begs the question, has everything in law school been that complicated, except I never actually engaged with the material? That’s a frightening thought, but it would also explain a hell of a lot. Perhaps if I allowed concepts to mindfuck me now, I won’t get randomly bent over on the exams.
Of course, this begs the question, has everything in law school been that complicated, except I never actually engaged with the material? That’s a frightening thought, but it would also explain a hell of a lot. Perhaps if I allowed concepts to mindfuck me now, I won’t get randomly bent over on the exams.
Excellent.....
| You Are Mr. Burns |
 Okay, so you're evil... You have big plans to rule the world, and you'll destroy it in the process if necessary! You will be remembered for: the exploitation of the masses Life philosophy: "One dollar for eternal happiness? I'd be happier with the dollar." |
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