Through a fantastic technological development, I have been able to procure a recording of my first trial this summer on behalf of the Winnebago County District Attorney's office. After having reviewed the proceedings on tape, I have drafted the official transcript. My first direct examination proceeded as follows:
Judge: Mr Vice, you may call your first witness.
Me: Sweet. The State calls (name omitted to protect somebody).
Can you please state your name and spell it for the record?
Witness: No thanks. I wish to remain mysterious.
Me: Fair enough. Do you know the defendent, Mr. Joseph Momma?
Witness: Yes, I have met him once before.
Me: Was this before or after you went to clown college together?
Defense: OBJECTION: Assumes facts not in evidence.
Me: No, you're assuming facts not in evidence!
Judge: Overruled.
Me: Thank you, your honor. As I was saying, you went to clown college with Mr. Momma?
Witness: No, I didn't say that.
Me: No, I said that. You agreed with me.
Witness: No, I didn't.
Me: So you admit to having worked as a clown?
Witness: No.
Me: Let me rephrase. So you admit to having worked as a clown?
Defense: OBJECTION: Asked and answered.
Me: No, you're asked and answered!
Judge: Sustained. Please move along, Mr. Vice.
Me: Now, at this party, where there may or may not have been any clowns, and you may or may not have been one of the possibly non-existent clowns, were you, in fact, attending this would-be party?
Witness: Huh?
Me: Your honor, would you please direct the witness to answer the question?
Judge: No.
Me: Very well. (pulls out a picture, shows it to witness) Mr. (witness), what did you see here?
Witness: Well, it looks like a little girl getting bitten on the leg by a fire hyrdrant.
Me: Excellent. When you see a girl getting bitten on the leg by a fire hydrant, what do you normally do?
Witness: Um, I suppose I would call the sheriff.
Me: And when you saw this and called the sheriff, what did he say?
Defense: OBJECTION: Hearsay.
Me: Your honor, the statements offered by the sheriff fall under the "irrational quotations" exception to the hearsay rule.
Judge: I'll allow it.
Witness: Okay, but I never called the sheriff. You just showed me the picture.
Me: So what, if anything, did you say or do, or think, or not think next?
Defense: OBJECTION - That question is vague and nonsensical.
Me: No, you're vauge and nonsensical!
Judge: (bangs gavel) Put down that trident, Mr. Vice! Objection sustained.
Me: Let me rephrase. What, if anything, didn't you say or not do next, if ever?
Witness: I'm not sure what you're referring to.
Me: But you admit that I am referring to something?
Witness: What?
Me: Mr. (witness), you testified only seconds earlier that you weren't sure what I was referring to. Is it your testimony now that you do know what I'm referring to?
Witness: Um, no?
Me: Aha! No further questions, your honor.
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1 comment:
This is clearly unrealistic, as you neglected to have the clerk mark your picture as an exhibit prior to showing it to the witness. Also, I'd sue you for negligence for failing to move for judgment as a matter of extreme badassedness at the conclusion of your examination.
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