The Promise of a Bright Tomorrow, and Some Crap

May has arrived in full force, and as a dedicated full-time graduate student who has spent the past 9 months of academia thinking about what lies ahead, you know what that means: blockbuster movie season is upon us. The light at the end of the tunnel. The rainbow after the storm. Spring after a long, cold summer. The knowledge that someday, Big Chief will perish in a mysterious tomahawk-to-the-face related death. The things that get us through.

Each year I make it through, this month rewards me with quality entertainment. In addition to the season finales of whatever TV shows I happen to be watching each year, there's always at least one major movie that doesn't disappoint. In 2003, it was Matrix Reloaded and X-Men 2. Last year it was Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. 2004 didn't have a big one in May, but it had Dodgeball in early June, and Spiderman 2 shortly afterward. With that in mind, I've taken a look ahead to what's coming. Here are the prospects:

Superman Returns - although this won't come until the end of June, this looks like it will be incredible. I haven't gotten into the Superman mythos as much as certain other of my counterparts - I didn't read the comics, and the older movies were a bit dated for me. (And, come on, spinning the earth back around to reverse time? Um.....) Plus, superheroes to me are compelling for their weaknesses just as much as their strengths, if not more. And Superman can basically do anything, so it's hard to imagine any situation where he wouldn't have at least one power that would defeat whatever he's up against. And I'd prefer an internal weakness of character over vulnerability to something external, ie kryptonite, because the internal weaknesses will have to be overcome in any situation, while external ones are only effective when present. However, I thought Smallville told some pretty good stories (despite uneven quality) and, well, it's SUPERMAN. So my expectations are high.

X-Men: The Last Stand - a few weeks til this comes out. I think it should be awesome. And from what I hear, a large portion of the plot was borrowed directly from Joss Whedon's plot in his comic series The Astonishing X-Men, which means the story won't suck. Although, I'm wary about the sheer quantity of characters involved. It's hard to tell a story with any character development when you've got 75 billion characters to develop. On the plus side, it's got Ian McKellen as Magneto leading the quasi-evil-doers again, and he's awesome. And, let's face it, I'd sell the souls of all my friends to have giant metal blades that eject from my hands at will.

Mission Impossible 3 - First off, I couldn't give a good goddamn what Tom Cruise believes. I don't care anything about celebrities' real lives. As long as they do a decent job on screen, then I'll watch. And I still don't mind Tom Cruise as an actor. He'll always have a free pass, as far as I'm concerned, because of A Few Good Men, which is why I decided to become a lawyer. Unfortunately, I actually liked the first two M:I movies; the first was convulted, but breaking into the CIA is cool in my book. The second was alright too. So, eh. I'll be there.

The Da Vinci Code - This one interests me, mostly because I haven't read the book. And I haven't read the book mostly because it's a book. I always figured when it became a movie, then I'd find out what the big deal is. Of course, the deal may not be as big in a movie, since I'm sure plenty has to get cut. But then, this way I don't have to read. Probably won't see it at the theater, but I'll catch it on the flipside.

Poseidon - Wait a minute, I thought the Titanic sank? Well, here's for originality. PASS.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - Yeah, the first one was very good. Kiera Knightly....mmmmm. And Johnny Depp was hilarious. But then, I'll have to check with the ninjas to see if attending this movie would be allowed. I don't want to put myself into the middle of a war.

Snakes on a Plane - the website described this movie as starring the ultra-hip Samuel L Jackson and a shitload of snakes. Well, I don't see how it could go wrong. Oh, wait, anyone remember "The Man" ? Yeah, me neither.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift - starring Josh Hartnett, Dakota Fanning, Busta Rhymes, and Kirby Puckett. Actually, I have no idea who's in it. But I imagine that it will have cars, chicks, and the obligatory rap star in it.

Nacho Libre - Jack Black plays a monk who becomes a masked Mexican wrestler. I'm not sure I understand how someone can convert to Mexicanism, I figured that was sort of an insular characteristic. Anyway, the guy that directed Napoleon Dynamite is running the show, so I'd imagine it will be ridiculous, in a good way.

RV - Robin Williams and a family in a giant RV. I imagine some movie executives will be drawn and quartered for this.

Click - Adam Sandler finds a remote control that works on everything.
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - Will Ferrell plays a NASCAR driver.
Either one could be good, or horrible.

Beerfest - the Broken Lizard team that brought the hilarious Super Troopers and the atrocious Club Dread made this one, so we'll see. Haven't caught a preview yet.

Clerks II - I'm not sure I remember the first one very well, but I hear it's good.

Stick It - a group of gymnasts in what promises to be a terrible, terrible movie.

The Break-Up - A romantic comedy with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston, where a couple breaks up but neither wants to move out of the apartment. Should be completely formulaic, but it's not a bad formula, and I like both of them.

A Scanner Darkly - Keanu in another twisty sci-fi flick. This one I'm not so sure about, but it looks interesting.

I'm sure there are others, but I'm cashed. Any votes on which you think will be the best? My money's on Little Man, which stars Marlon Wayans as a two-foot tall man who poses as a baby to get his stolen merchandise back, or something like that. I shit you not.