I have a new enemy. His name is Tapeworm. (or Tape-dog, as no one calls him.) When I eat, he eats my food. Then he eats my stomach as retaliation for invading his space with my food. Thus I have two basic settings during the day – stomach pains from starving, or stomach pains from tapeworm attack. Tapeworm ruins my meals. He ruins my desserts. He makes me afraid to eat. He puts me in a foul mood. And, most importantly, he took our jobs. (‘E tuk er jaabs!)
What do we call such a foul creature, such a foreign entity invading a once-secure sanctuary, causing destruction and carnage with every movement, spewing filth with its pompous and brazen disrespect for the laws of common decency, and generally burninating the countryside? Rajeev? Close. We call him a terrorist. And I’m not talking a media scare-tactic/diversion-from-real-issues GOP style terrorist. I’m talkin’ the real deal.
Now, as I’ve tried to explain, it seemed cute when I bought him. I didn’t realize how big he would get. And now I can’t get rid him. I have tried probably 10 different medications over the years, plus the basic antacid tablets. I have had at least 5 major tests done. I even tried goddamn vegetables for a week. No results to speak of.
Anyone have any suggestions for how to counter such a threat?
(And please, save the actual medical suggestions. I don’t believe in real medical science - - like my good friend Mr. Christopher Diesel Zachar, I was brought up in the school of hard knock medial science. You heard me, fool.)
3 comments:
You, my friend, are gullible. But funnily so.
As a matter of fact, I absolutely have a tapeworm. This is the only logical medical explanation one can arrive at, if one completely disregards medical logic.
He doesn't really listen to me though, he mostly just eats me from the inside and then laughs at me about it afterward. Plus, even if he decided to move, I'd be worried about where he'd be moving to. It's bad enough I have to deal with the bastard, I don't want anyone else to have to.
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