File this under the "Enemy of my enemy is my friend" department. Anyone that knows me can attest that I am no fan of vegetables, and I actively avoid any food with a vegetable-type substance involved. (Except french fries, which I still adamently believe qualify as health food). However, as many of you may know, I also have some sort of stomach condition - mostly likely heart burn - that forces me to eat only about half a real portion at any meal. Otherwise I get this terrible pain in my chest, a burning that can last for several hours. The reason I'm not certain it's heartburn is because it doesn't respond to any heartburn medications. I've had countless tests done (including a sonogram, which I highly recommend - very relaxing) and nothing has ever been discovered. So, could be heartburn, could be a tapeworm. Point is, it sucks. It's been an on and off thing for 6-7 years now, growing worse during high stress periods. And it makes it both hard and painful to enjoy eating, which is pretty damn infuriating.
So lately my heartburn/tapeworm has been acting up. By lately, I mean the past week or so. It's not a stress thing, because I've been done with finals for about 10 days now. For about the past year, I've tried to eat healthier and get in better shape, and I've done this by basically changing from a terribly unhealthy diet to a mildly unhealthy diet. (Hence my ongoing struggle with junk food, though less unhealthy forms) Despite these changes, I have still refused to invite any vegetable menace into my home.
However, this morning, shit hit the fan. I had a poptart for breakfast. One poptart. And some water. And about thirty minutes later, the heartburn/tapeworm struck hard. I was in pain for at least an hour as a result of such gluttony. This was inexcusable. My stomach had officially declared war on me.
Not one to shy away from senseless combat, I had to throw down. I went to the grocery store, bought myself the materials to make (gasp!) a salad. Now, I'll eat an occasional salad before meals, granted. However, the key is that this is before meals, aka real food. Today, I had a salad for lunch, and nothing else. My stomach wants to fuck with me, I'll starve the bitch into submission. I'll feed it all sorts of plants and shrubbery until it can't take anymore. The logic is simple. I hate my stomach. My stomach hates plants. Therefore, I ally myself with the plant kingdom. Now, I know that, ultimately, I'll be suffering as well, but sacrifices must be made in a time of war. And you bet your ass, I didn't have any heartburn/tapeworm flareup this afternoon. I went running, just to rub it in.
The goals are simple. No more debilitating pain due to going all out and devouring half a flippin' pop tart. No more going to a restaurant and being unable to order something because I'm still in too much pain from the last meal I had 5 HOURS AGO.
Now, by no means will this drive me toward vegetarianism. I'm thinking one salad or equally awful shrub-like meal a day, and actual flavor the rest of the time. But perhaps I can finally put one of my all time favorite statements into effect: "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
Stomach this.
(points to genitals)
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6 comments:
Hating everything works for omnivores like me. Next up, I'm going to eat every landlord and tenant in the city of Chicago. The landlords will be eaten at work. The tenants will be eaten because I will be homeless.
Holy balls, this isn't going well. Judges have the score at My Stomach: 35, Me: 4. I had a good afternoon yesterday with the salad, and today I did the same. However, a frappucino at Starbucks is currently murdering me. I don't drink caffeine hardly at all anymore, so I thought nothing of it. I know I'm supposed to eat smaller meals and more of them, but that hasn't worked either. I had a SMALL bowl of Mac'n'cheese at Noodles, and HALFWAY through, I was ready to die. I haven't eaten any sort of beef/red meat in a long time. I've had live fruit and vegetables in my apartment for the past few days. I don't know what else to do.
Two final points:
1. I don't know how to roast vegetables. I don't know how to roast anything.
2. Apparently I will not be watching Innerspace.
And still, I say stomach this.
Jesus fucking christ, Vice. I never thought I'd see the day when your blog became a forum for healthy cooking advice. Wow.
Still, I hope you find some way of beating your heartburn. Eating is really one of the things I enjoy most in live (I know, huge surprise) and I can't imagine not being able to eat anything at will. That would suck fat cock.
Yes, this is Vice's forum, and if he wants innovative ways to hate plants, we can only support him. Yeah Katherine, steamed vegetables are good only if you really hate plants so much that they taste good no matter what. Maybe after Vice hates roasted veggies enough, he can start hating steamed and then raw vegetables. Eat 'em while they're still screaming. Take that, vegetables.
You're clearly going through alcohol withdrawal, so here is what I would recommend: Take said vegetables, blend them with alcohol. Consume. If my experience is any indicator, you'll become infinitely more intelligent, and a fantastic dancer.
Thank you all for your suggestions and support. However, I agree with Andy - allowing my blog to turn into a forum for vegetables run amok would have disastrous consequences for my dignity and self respect.
I appreciate the roasting instructions very much, but for now I prefer to remain lazy, and see if I can beat this without having to over-vegetablitate myself and my home. But I will always have them if I need them.
And I've got a new thought about this whole situation, posted in the next entry, so I'll leave it at that.
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