Existence in the Balance

AP: Madison - The following is an official press release from the offices of Mr. Vice, Commander of the Allied Forces and Leader of the Tactical Cracker Counterinsurgency Unit:

"My fellow Americans, I wish I could tell you the war against the Animal Cracker Nation is over. I wish I could strap on my fightin' pants, stand on Abe Lincoln's lap at the top of Bascom Hill and declare victory over crackerhood. But I cannot do that in good conscience. You may have heard reports that tensions have decreased, and that the battle appears to be over. It gives me great pleasure to confirm the fact that there have been no fatalities on either side for nearly two weeks now. Indeed, there have been no new movements of animal crackers into the region, primarily because Walgreens is crazy if they think they can charge me $2.20 for a 1 lb. bag I can get elsewhere for under $1.

On this front, it appears the battle is over; we have stormed the castle, we have taken the field, we have run up the flag, we have seized the day, and we have done any number of other patriotic things. Yes, the battle may be over, but lo, the war appears far from it. As much as it pains me to admit, we appear to have misjudged our enemy. This war is more than just an armed hostility against Animal Crackers; it is an ideological confrontation against the entire Junk Food species. For when a cautious detente was struck with the Animal Crackers, the Cadbury Mini Eggs stepped into the fight. While our armed forces had little trouble dispatching these "eggs," we were then confronted by rabid bands of Chex Mix, Jolly Ranchers, and Tootsie Rolls. And, in one of the most horrific displays of carnage I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing, multiple scoops of "Cookie-Doughn't You Want Some" ice cream in a waffle cone ambushed a courageous squadron of American troops outside of a local Cold Stone Creamery. They never had a chance.

So, regrettably, the fight rages on. Now, some of you may call me a warmonger. Some of you will say that we should accept our victory and try to maintain peace with all junk food-kind. But I respectfully disagree. We cannot be content with our apparent victory over the Animal Crackers while endless armies of chocolates, candies, and potato chips wait in the wings to annihilate our entire way of existence.

But do not be mistaken - - I believe we will win this war yet. For every bloodthirsty brand of junk food on the market, we have soldiers willing to risk everything for life and country. And let me assure you, heroes are in no short supply. Who can forget the inspiring tales of Colonel Sanders, Captain Crunch, General Tsao, and Sergeant Slaughter? And the heroism extends to the private citizens as well as the enlisted men, women, and fictional entities. You should all have witnessed the sacrifices made by the Easter Bunny; while he has been MIA for several weeks now, I know he's somewhere attacking people at random, spreading the message: We will persevere.

And on that note, I bring you another heartwarming tale of an American hero. Witness and behold freedom in action:

We do not know this soldier's name, and we don't know his rank, but we do know this: A coward dies a thousand deaths, but a crazed kitten with a dagger and a rifle is not to be fucked with.

So fear not, good citizens. This fight is one worth winning, and we have no intention of giving up. After all, this isn't France.

God bless America."