The Promise of a Bright Tomorrow, and Some Crap

May has arrived in full force, and as a dedicated full-time graduate student who has spent the past 9 months of academia thinking about what lies ahead, you know what that means: blockbuster movie season is upon us. The light at the end of the tunnel. The rainbow after the storm. Spring after a long, cold summer. The knowledge that someday, Big Chief will perish in a mysterious tomahawk-to-the-face related death. The things that get us through.

Each year I make it through, this month rewards me with quality entertainment. In addition to the season finales of whatever TV shows I happen to be watching each year, there's always at least one major movie that doesn't disappoint. In 2003, it was Matrix Reloaded and X-Men 2. Last year it was Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. 2004 didn't have a big one in May, but it had Dodgeball in early June, and Spiderman 2 shortly afterward. With that in mind, I've taken a look ahead to what's coming. Here are the prospects:

Superman Returns - although this won't come until the end of June, this looks like it will be incredible. I haven't gotten into the Superman mythos as much as certain other of my counterparts - I didn't read the comics, and the older movies were a bit dated for me. (And, come on, spinning the earth back around to reverse time? Um.....) Plus, superheroes to me are compelling for their weaknesses just as much as their strengths, if not more. And Superman can basically do anything, so it's hard to imagine any situation where he wouldn't have at least one power that would defeat whatever he's up against. And I'd prefer an internal weakness of character over vulnerability to something external, ie kryptonite, because the internal weaknesses will have to be overcome in any situation, while external ones are only effective when present. However, I thought Smallville told some pretty good stories (despite uneven quality) and, well, it's SUPERMAN. So my expectations are high.

X-Men: The Last Stand - a few weeks til this comes out. I think it should be awesome. And from what I hear, a large portion of the plot was borrowed directly from Joss Whedon's plot in his comic series The Astonishing X-Men, which means the story won't suck. Although, I'm wary about the sheer quantity of characters involved. It's hard to tell a story with any character development when you've got 75 billion characters to develop. On the plus side, it's got Ian McKellen as Magneto leading the quasi-evil-doers again, and he's awesome. And, let's face it, I'd sell the souls of all my friends to have giant metal blades that eject from my hands at will.

Mission Impossible 3 - First off, I couldn't give a good goddamn what Tom Cruise believes. I don't care anything about celebrities' real lives. As long as they do a decent job on screen, then I'll watch. And I still don't mind Tom Cruise as an actor. He'll always have a free pass, as far as I'm concerned, because of A Few Good Men, which is why I decided to become a lawyer. Unfortunately, I actually liked the first two M:I movies; the first was convulted, but breaking into the CIA is cool in my book. The second was alright too. So, eh. I'll be there.

The Da Vinci Code - This one interests me, mostly because I haven't read the book. And I haven't read the book mostly because it's a book. I always figured when it became a movie, then I'd find out what the big deal is. Of course, the deal may not be as big in a movie, since I'm sure plenty has to get cut. But then, this way I don't have to read. Probably won't see it at the theater, but I'll catch it on the flipside.

Poseidon - Wait a minute, I thought the Titanic sank? Well, here's for originality. PASS.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - Yeah, the first one was very good. Kiera Knightly....mmmmm. And Johnny Depp was hilarious. But then, I'll have to check with the ninjas to see if attending this movie would be allowed. I don't want to put myself into the middle of a war.

Snakes on a Plane - the website described this movie as starring the ultra-hip Samuel L Jackson and a shitload of snakes. Well, I don't see how it could go wrong. Oh, wait, anyone remember "The Man" ? Yeah, me neither.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift - starring Josh Hartnett, Dakota Fanning, Busta Rhymes, and Kirby Puckett. Actually, I have no idea who's in it. But I imagine that it will have cars, chicks, and the obligatory rap star in it.

Nacho Libre - Jack Black plays a monk who becomes a masked Mexican wrestler. I'm not sure I understand how someone can convert to Mexicanism, I figured that was sort of an insular characteristic. Anyway, the guy that directed Napoleon Dynamite is running the show, so I'd imagine it will be ridiculous, in a good way.

RV - Robin Williams and a family in a giant RV. I imagine some movie executives will be drawn and quartered for this.

Click - Adam Sandler finds a remote control that works on everything.
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - Will Ferrell plays a NASCAR driver.
Either one could be good, or horrible.

Beerfest - the Broken Lizard team that brought the hilarious Super Troopers and the atrocious Club Dread made this one, so we'll see. Haven't caught a preview yet.

Clerks II - I'm not sure I remember the first one very well, but I hear it's good.

Stick It - a group of gymnasts in what promises to be a terrible, terrible movie.

The Break-Up - A romantic comedy with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston, where a couple breaks up but neither wants to move out of the apartment. Should be completely formulaic, but it's not a bad formula, and I like both of them.

A Scanner Darkly - Keanu in another twisty sci-fi flick. This one I'm not so sure about, but it looks interesting.

I'm sure there are others, but I'm cashed. Any votes on which you think will be the best? My money's on Little Man, which stars Marlon Wayans as a two-foot tall man who poses as a baby to get his stolen merchandise back, or something like that. I shit you not.

Go Away, Monkey

Movie review the fourth. Though not a new release, I thought it worthy of review.

King Kong

It’s only fair to be skeptical about this movie. After all, as Mr. Martinez pointed out on several occasions, it’s a movie about a giant monkey. But it had a lot of things going for it that made me want to watch. First, several critics chose it as the best movie of last year. Although I don’t watch movies by what the critics say, its worth taking into account. Second, Peter Jackson directed. He directed the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and I think those movies were incredible. Third, it has Jack Black and Colin Hanks, two actors I really enjoy. And fourth, I didn’t really know much about the story of King Kong. So I gave it a shot.

Like LotR, this movie is absolutely epic. It’s over three hours long, and as I watched it progress, it felt like it was three different movies in one. Of course, that’s not necessarily a good thing. It’s set in the 1930s; the first hour was the setup for a movie within the movie – a struggling director hustles away a crew and its actors on a ship just in time to not get caught by the movie executives who want their money back. They’re heading to a supposedly uninhabited island, all the while shooting a romantic film on the seas. I found this part relatively entertaining, though not my usual cup of Ronald F Mexico.

This means the titular Mr. Kong didn’t make an appearance until nearly halfway through the movie. There’s some problems with the ship, then some problem with the inhabitants of the uninhabited island, who are creepy as all hell, and like to ritually sacrifice people. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. So, long story long, they capture the lead actress, and put her up on the chopping block for Senor Kong. The film and ship crews try to rescue her, but, well, they mostly fail.

This is where the movie really gets cool. Kong is on the loose, and he’s got the actress (Anne) held hostage. In true Guns and Roses fashion, the crews get a warm reception in the jungle, from various DINOSAURS and other messed up creatures. I was a little iffy on the dinosaurs idea, until they got spooked and decided to stampede. Now, if you’ve never been privy to a stampeding herd of brontosauri before, it’s quite an experience. As far as I’m concerned, you can shove the Running of the Bulls, I’ll take the Running of the Saurs any day. And in what I can only assume was an ode to the Blues Brothers, Peter Jackson chose to end the stampede in a 75 brontosauri pile-up. I’m not kidding. The whole thing as incredible.

Then some more stuff happens, Anne and Kong start bonding as women and stupid apes always do. But Kong’s no garden variety douchebag, no sir. Kong goes from giant monkey to action star pretty quickly, in what I’d say is probably the greatest extended cinematic action sequence I’ve seen since the freeway chase/ battle at the Merovingian’s Chateau in the Matrix Reloaded. Basically it involves Kong protecting Anne from three Tyrannosauri. First you’ve got the hand to hand combat, which is incredible. Imagine a gigantic Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking and body slamming dinosaurs, then ripping their heads off, and you’ll get the idea. Then Kong and two dini roll down a giant cliff, and while Kong fights off the saurs, he always has to make sure Anne is safe. They all fall off the cliff and end up hanging on a bunch of vines between two cliffs. My favorite part is where Anne is safely hanging by herself on a few vines, swinging around while Kong fights a Saur below on some more vines. But then she looks over and sees the other Saur just kinda hanging there, chilling on his own vines. The action continues on as Kong has to defeat these two, then squares off with the boss Saur down below.

After defeating the final Saur, Anne is just standing there, marveling at the good Kong, so rather than going to her and making sure she’s okay, he just kinda stands there, preening. This is funny ‘cause it’s like he’s showing off; he doesn’t go to her, he just stands there saying “Come on baby, the pimp train’s leaving with or without you, so hop on.” She does, and they roll out.

After that, we go back to the crews, who are now seriously thinned out in numbers. Then they have to face off with some seriously fucked up bug creatures, and I start to cringe. Fuckin’ hate spiders. Well, whatever. The bugs are eventually overcome, and….well, Anne gets rescued from Kong.

Obviously I’m skipping over some pretty important stuff, but this is how I saw the movie.

Then we hit the last portion of the film, where the ship crew brings Kong back to New York. I’m not going into the details of that, because….it seems pretty unlikely that their plan could possibly have worked to me. The point is, he’s NY bound. Then he’s a prisoner for theater performance, and exploited for profit. Bad move. Sure enough, Kong starts tearing shit up, and it’s on like Donkey Kong now. He rips up the theater, cars, buildings, and your mom before finding Anne. So happy together…..

I shit you not, next thing you know, they’re ice skating. Well, no skates, just spinning around on the ice. It’s kinda funny, but…well, I suppose that’s what Brian Boitano’d do.

Then Kong has to escape the army, and he runs up the Empire State Building. This was all pretty cool; he takes on some air planes, then he gets into a fistfight with Reginald VelJohnson, the guy who played Carl Winslow from Family Matters, and the cop from the first Die Hard. Or maybe it was just more airplanes. Either way, he fights some planes, and/or Carl Winslow. Then he dies, and it’s all sad and/or romantic.

Overall, I thought it was good. I loved the jungle scenes, especially the battles with the Saurs, which were breathtaking. But to me, it was just too long. I understand why the whole first hour was required, and it was good in its own right. But then the second hour is pretty intense, and it’s night and day from the first. Then the last hour is good, but…. I don’t know. It just felt like something was missing. Or way too much was included.

Or, it was just a giant monkey. Monkey did well for himself, but there’s only so much you can do with a giant monkey. And the movie was so many different things - - noir, action, romance, monkey, tragedy - - it accomplished a lot, and it was a great movie, but…really, the sum of its parts was better than the whole.

My score: B
Recommendation: It’s definitely worth seeing, especially if you like monkeys fighting dinosaurs, and if you’ve got 3 hours to spare.

Balls of Steel

My hat is off to Steven Colbert. I've always thought he was pretty funny, but right now I'm watching him at the White House Correspondent's Dinner, where he is giving a speech in front of pretty much every important person in the US, including Bush himself, sitting just two feet away. I caught it in the middle, and Colbert was subtly riffing on everything Bush has ever done. First he's looking at Bush saying "I love this man, I love this man so much, I'm so happy to be here. Somebody pinch me. No, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, somebody shoot me in the face." Then "Oh, is he here?" (re: Cheney)

He starts talking about how Bush and he each make decisions from the gut, because the gut doesn't get its answers from facts. He brought up religion, how he's a Christian like Bush, and he also believes that everyone - Buddhists, Hindus, Jews - all should have the opportunity to find Jesus Christ as their lord and savior. He started talking about Bush's approval rating - 32 %. He shouldn't listen to the people who tell him the glass is half empty, because actually, the glass is 2/3 empty. And he shouldn't drink the last 1/3, because that's usually backwash. Then he says Bush is like Rocky fighting Apollo Creed, because Bush always comes back. Then he went into this long analogy about how Bush comes back, then he says...Oh wait, Rocky lost that one. Well....then Bush is like a guy who keeps getting punched in the face.

He says he also believes that government is best which governs least. And by that standard, we've set up fabulous gov't in Iraq. He said he likes how Bush stands for things, and how he stands on things. Particularly an aircraft carrier, or a flooded city. This shows Americans that we have the greatest staged photo ops in all of history.

Then he went on to point out other notables in the crowd. He pointed out Scalia, then said hello by flicking him off under his chin, a la what Scalia did to someone a few months back. Then he pointed out John McCain, saying he's glad to have him back in the Republican fold, and next time he's in South Carolina giving a speech at Bob Jones University, he should look him up, and that it's great that he's seen the light.

Colbert also pointed out that "reality has a strong liberal bias."

Half the time only a few brave souls were laughing, and most of the people were cringing. Bush was smiling during parts, but I don't think he was too amused.

Steven Colbert, a true American hero.

The Wrath of Chuck

Well, it appears the cows have come home to roost. Due to the failure of anyone to successfully complete the CNAD Challenge and assert "Chuck Norris" as the answer to a legitimate legal question, the good Chuck himself as decided to take punitive measures against the UW law students. As a punishment for our extreme cowardice, Chuck has paid a visit to the school, and roundhouse kicked us straight out of the space-time continuum. As a result, we will no longer have any functioning clocks in the building until further notice, or until someone mans up and gives the good Chuck his due.

I would say we should have seen this coming, but no one ever does.

Fair Warning

The next person I hear utter the phrase "hunker down" is going to get bitch-slapped.

Mergers and Acquisitions

Doing a little BizOrging today, and I was looking over the notes Mr. Mad Dog so graciously provided, when I discovered something odd. Not with the notes themselves, which are phenomenal, but with the law of corporations in general. The topic for today (or Monday, I suppose) is "Minority Shareholder Oppression." This addresses the problem in corporations where the majority of shareholders control the power in a corporation because they elect the board of directors and dominate all matters subject to a shareholder vote.

One of the examples of such oppression was the following note:

d. Majority puts “squeeze” on minority to sell shares at low price (or eat them)

Now, I don't know that much about business, and I really don't know much about the law that governs it. But somehow it just seems morally objectionable for majority shareholders to eat minority shareholders as a means to maintain control over a corporation. I'm not a fan of cannibalism in general, but to employ it as a business tactic? Sure, it reduces competition, but surely we have to draw the line somewhere.....

Say Hi to the Bad Guys

Cinematic review the third:

Thank You For Not Smoking

I love a good villain. Good villains, to me, are absolutely essential to a good story. No matter how compelling the protagonist is, if the villain is flat and clichéd, the story rarely rises above mediocrity. Think Neo and The Matrix. Let’s be fair - - Neo had no personality. He had incredible powers and cool outfits, but….yeah, that’s about it. Now, set him against Smith – indomitable, charismatic, and mechanically sinister. Someone who revels in their villainy, someone who chews the scenery and dominates every frame their in. Now you’ve got a story.

Now picture an entire movie populated by Smiths. The protagonist, Nick Naylor, is a villain. Everyone he works for is a villain. Everyone he associates with is a villain. And, to be honest, everyone that opposes him is a villain.

Nick Naylor is the top lobbyist for the tobacco companies. He loves his job. He knows cigarettes are deadly, and, well, he just doesn’t mind. He pushes the product on television, in Washington, even on career day in his son’s grade school classroom. He’s not evil; he’s good at what he does, and he firmly believes in what he does. He sees himself like a lawyer who represents criminals -- everyone's entitled to a defense, and he's the best at defending the indefensible.

More than that, he’s a likeable guy. Charismatic to no end, which serves him well in arguing any point. He believes in freedom of choice, and he believes it’s not a right and wrong issue. These are the values he preaches to his impressionable son, and to a disbelieving public, which perceives him to be the devil incarnate.

All of which makes for brilliantly subversive entertainment. For instance, he goes on a talk show, facing off against three people who represent education and health care, plus “Cancer Boy,” the sympathetic young boy who is bald from chemo after having smoked most of his life. Nick is all alone in the lions' den. So he says that cigarette companies aren’t the bad guy – they don’t want this kid to die. After all, a dead kid can’t buy his product. Crass, but logical. Then he says the health care guy wants the kid to die, because then his funding will increase. Therefore, Nick reasons, the health care guy ought to be ashamed of himself.

This exemplifies the humor of this movie - - I’m laughing my ass off, and at the same time, I’m horrified. So many terrible people, so many brilliantly subversive lines.

Nick goes and meets with his company, led by actor JK Simmons, who portrays the love-to-hate newspaper mogul Mr. Jameson in the Spiderman movies. He’s just as awful here, bitching about how terrible the people that oppose big tobacco are and how they need to make cigarettes sexy and cool again. He mentions environmentalists, and the word “Pussies” flashes briefly on the screen. I love it.

From here, Nick goes on a virtual tour of villainy, meeting with characters played by Robert Duvall and Rob Lowe, both perfectly cast, both horrible and funny. The best may be the “MOD Squad” meetings between Nick, the head lobbyist for alcohol companies, and the head lobbyist for firearm companies. The title “MOD Squad” is self-given, as they refer to themselves as “Merchants of Death,” and have regular lunch dates. This is ingeniously subversive, particularly where Nick, whose product kills far more people than either of theirs, makes them feel inadequate, at one point asking the firearms guy (David Koechner, also perfectly cast) what, his products only kill 30 people a day? “Oooh, that’s tragic.” And once again, I die laughing.

Of course, the “good guy” in this movie – a US Senator and fierce opponent of tobacco (played by William H Macy) – is only a marginally better person, and only by comparison. So, really, it’s bad guys, bad guys everywhere. The beauty of this movie is just that - - we’re watching a cast full of villains, doing their evil deeds, and loving every minute. The script is razor sharp, and doesn’t exactly demonize either side, so it doesn’t come across as mere propaganda. Mostly, it’s funny because it’s true.

My Score: A-
Recommendation: A refreshing change of pace from most movies, I’d recommend it to anyone who likes their humor painful and their villains villan-ey

The Challenge

The challenge is as follows:

I will give $5 to anyone who, while in the middle of class discussion, gets called on to answer a serious legal question, and who boldly pronounces the answer "Chuck Norris."

I will give $10 to anyone who, while in the middle of a class discussion, VOLUNTEERS the answer "Chuck Norris" to a serious legal question.

The following example may be helpful:

In BizOrgs, Ohne was discussing a case where the court wanted to dissolve a corporation, but there was no law saying they could. Ohne asked one student "What was stopping them?" Now, I knew the answer, but at any given time and in any given class, I may not know the answer. So I decided that, if put on the spot where I was going to crash and burn anyway, I may as well offer the Good Chuck as an affirmative defense to my stupidity.

Context matters, of course. And when I say "serious legal question," I mean it. It can't be just a casual class discussion. It has to be a scenario where the CNAD (Chuck Norris Affirmative Defense) would be entirely inappropriate. It has to be the type of scenario where the CNAD would completely kill the discussion. Like a roundhouse from the Good Chuck, one might say.

Any takers?

Repository of Knowledge

1. Time of starting? Go time
2. Were you named after anyone? Yes, Muhammed Ali
3. Do you wish on stars? No, but I once wished on an ironing board. That was a disaster
4. When did you last cry? I try to start weeping randomly once every hour and a half to keep people on their toes
5. Do you like your handwriting? Well, I wouldn't say that I "like" like my handwriting...but yeah, it's kinda pretty
6. What is your favorite meat? Spam
7. What is your most embarrassing CD on your shelf? I have the collaboration CD between Was (Not Was) and The Bangles, where they did the song "Dinosaurs Walk Like Egyptians." Trust me, it's not as good as it sounds.
8. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Good question. If I was another person, then there would be two of me, and if I ever met myself, I would probably cease to exist. Considering I can't stand most people, myself most likely wouldn't like myself, so I'd be better off avoiding myself to be safe.
9. Are you a daredevil? If you mean by "daredevil" am I blind, do I wear skin-tight red leather, do I jump around the city using my enhanced powers of hearing to fight crime, look like a douchebag, occasionally make movies with Matt Damon and/or Kevin Smith, and have sex with Jennifer Garner? Then yes. Yes I am.
10. Have U ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Yeah...its kind of embarassing, but one time I was in the army and I was flying a helicopter over Danang, shooting down stray roosters with a pellet gun, but I had to stop for an ice cream bar. So I pulled into a Citgo and asked the man at the counter if he knew of any place where they sold surfboards. He told me that the only place in Danang that had surfboards was a little bodega run by a Russian pharmacist named Roger. We agreed to disagree.
11. How do you release anger? Usually through the air vents in the form of a green, toxic gas
12. Where is your second home? I live in the hearts and minds of every man, woman, and child on this earth. ...The evil ones, anyway
13. Do you trust others easily? Depends on what you mean by the word "Do."
14. What was your favorite toy as a child? Your mom.
15. What class in school do you think is totally useless? It's a toss-up between "Civil Procedure" and "Civil Procedure 2: Civ Pro With A Vengeance."
16. Do you use sarcasm a lot? I wouldn't say I "use" sarcasm. Sometimes I fondle it obscenely
17. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? Once. I was trying to find a movie theater in Prague. I accidentally stumbled upon a Dido concert, where a nice young woman with several pigtails pointed to the west. I took the monorail, and needless to say, I ended up in a mosh pit.
18. What do you look for in a guy/girl? Multiple shoulders
19. Would you bungee jump? Bungee jump this (points to genitals)
20. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Nope. When I want my shoes removed, I just bash my feet against the walls until they cry 'uncle.'
21. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Who are you calling a racist?
22. What are your favorite colors? Answer me, fool!
23. What is your least favorite thing? Your face. Burn!
24. How many PPl do U have a crush on right now? No crushes, but I've got one in a pretty decent headlock
25. What do you miss most right now? My ambition.
26. What color is your computer chair? Ooh....you just had to go and bring that up, didn't you? My computer chair ran away from me just last week, and took my floor fan with it. It left a goodbye letter, which said, in no uncertain terms, "Goodbye, and thanks for the floor fan."
27. What are you listening to right now? The police scanners. They haven't found my bags of play-doh yet, but it's only a matter of time.
28. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Obscure Caucasian.
29. What is the weather like right now? Sunny and mild, with a 94% chance of reindeer.
30. Last person you talked to on the phone? Ice Cube
31. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? The middle finger
32. Do you like the person who sent you this? No one sent this to me. In fact, I've never read this survey. I've never read any survey. I can't even read. This conversation never happened.
33. How are you today? Skanky
34. Favorite drink? the blood of the innocent
35. Favorite alcoholic drink? Ronald F. Mexico
36. Natural hair color? If you're asking what I think you're asking, then you should be ashamed of yourself.
37. Eye color? Blue or Green, depending on which crayon I choose each morning
38. Wear contacts? No, but sometimes I smoke them
39. Siblings? Nah, I'm fine, thanks
40. Favorite months? Are there different types of moths? I don't know....probably the big ones with the laser beams
41. Favorite food? That reminds me of the time I went fishing for watermelons with a harpoon gun. The girl at the watermelon store said "Hey, you can't bring that in here!" Needless to say, no one in the watermelon store dares to question me anymore, and I ate me some watermelon that night. Yes indeed.
42. Last movie you watched? Last of the Mohicans 2: More Mohicans.
43. Favorite day of the year? National Take Your Platypus To Work And Watch Him Piss On The Fax Machine Day
44. Have you ever been too shy to ask someone out? Nope. They're always too shy to be asked out by me.
45. Scary movies or happy endings? I think they can coexist. Once I saw a movie where a guy was afraid of stepping on puddles for fear of drowning, so they shot him.
46. Summer or winter? I don't like to play favorites. I love all my seasons equally. (Except winter....I fucking hate winter)
47. Hugs or kisses? That's a little presumptuous.
48. Do you want your friends to write back? I am not a racist!
49. Who is most likely to respond? Corey Feldman's been calling me about once a day for the past several weeks, so I imagine I'll hear from him one way or the other.
50. Who is least likely to respond? The maintenance guy who said he'd fix my garbage disposal then took off without doing a damn thing.
51. What book/magazine are you reading? Puddle Jumping, the novel
52. What's on your mouse pad? A severed head. Just kidding! It's still attached. ....Barely.
53. What did you watch on TV last night? A documentary about the time Thomas Jefferson wore a fake moustache to church
54. Favorite Smell? Your mom
55. Favorite Sound? Id.
56. Do you regret ever breaking up with someone? No, but sometimes I regret mutilating their corpses afterward
57. Favorite actor/actress? Mr and Mrs Roboto
58. Time of finishing? Hammer time

Bringing Out the Big Guns

A powerful new ally has joined us here, at the turn of the tide. If anyone has yet to see Katherine's link, I'm reposting it here, just so everyone sees it. The battle is far from over.

And, this is quite possibly the greatest thing I've seen in forever.

Excellent work, Captain Smith.

We Have Met the Enemy, and He Is Chocolatey

Once again, the battle lines are shifting. Tensions between the United States and the Animal Cracker Nation have diminished dramatically over the past few days due to the unwitting assistance of several squadrons of animal crackers in the battle against the Legal Process Paper. This uneasy alliance has proved fortuitous so far, pointing toward a future of peaceful coexistence, if not outright cooperation.

However, a new threat has arisen in the east, replacing the Animal Cracker menace. They are known to the world as Cadbury Mini Eggs, but due to the insidious and irresistably chocolately nature of this new adversary, I have officially designated it Public Enemy #1.

Somebody pray for me.

Damn you and your much-appreciated need to spoil me, mom.


The enemy.

Look-Alikes

The basis

I too tried to match my smiling face with that of celebrities. Rather than my top 3 matches, I decided to include most of my top matches, because they get hilarious as they go on.


Matt LeBlanc


Sugar Ray Robinson


Owen Wilson

Okay, so far so good. I actually get mistaken for Sugar Ray Robinson quite a bit, but that's usually from punching people out.


Bob Dylan

Clearly this was taken in Dylan's "pre-Dylan" phase.


Janis Joplin

Ditto.


Seann William Scott

Stiffler? The Stiffmeister? Nice!


Mark Wahlberg

Marky-frickin' Mark? Oh God.

And, finally....


David Hasselhoff

BAM! Germans love me. I doesn't get much better than that.

From the Front Lines

AP: Madison – “Absolute carnage.” That's the way one witness described the latest skirmish in the ongoing conflict in one residence over the past few months between the United States and the Animal Cracker Nation.

"It's a bloodbath out there. I've never seen anything like it. The Crackers get mowed down one after another - - heads, limbs, tails, entire bodies decimated. But they never stop coming."

Perhaps the greatest tragedy of the war is that no one knows for sure why it started, or why all of this death and destruction is necessary. The origins of the blood feud between these hostile nations is shrouded in secrecy; up until January of 2006, relations between the United States and the ACN seemed amiable and cooperative.

But as the rising death toll clearly indicates, this is no longer the case. Some estimates put the body count as high as 15-20 lbs. of Animal Crackers over the last 100 days.

The office of Mr. Vice, Commander of the Allied Forces and Leader of the Tactical Cracker Counterinsurgency Unit, officially downplayed such violent descriptions of the conflict, contending that the death toll was “artificially high,” and that “many of those crackers were in pieces right out of the bag.” In addition, Mr. Vice assured the troubled populace that further escalations will be unnecessary, and declined to call the situation a "quagmire." He also resented any implications that this campaign was an attempt at ethic cleansing.

However, he did admit that the Joint Chiefs may have "underestimated the resilience" of the Animal Cracker forces. He took full responsibility for his insufficient initial assessment, when he characterized Animal Crackers as "Small, fragile, low in calories, and relatively scrumptious," adding "We can take 'em."

The Commander was particularly candid at a press conference this week, saying he was confidant that this conflict will be brought to a close "with all deliberate speed."

Even more revealing, a technical gaffe after the conference caused a stir when Mr. Vice, believing his microphone to be off, turned to his chief advisors and muttered "I'll eat as many of those goddamned animals as I want." Despite public outrage at this comment, particularly from People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), Vice declined to retract his statements, and instead issued an official response: "Screw you, hippies."

However, a senior advisor in Mr. Vice’s administration went on the record as stating: "They just keep coming. By God, they just keep coming.... The tenacity of these little animals is frightening. I tell ya, we may have superior powers of destruction, we're losing the numbers battle. We'll be lucky to get out alive."

The overwhelming force of which the unnamed source speaks was bolstered significantly last Thursday by an influx of three one-lb. bags of reserve animal crackers.



At a press conference Monday morning, a spokesman for the Animal Cracker Nation, "Monkey," declared "We will not be defeated! Animals, march on!"

The prospect for peace between the two great powers seems bleak, as no negotiations have taken place since early February. So until they can bring their differences to a peaceful resolution, we can only expect more senseless killing, primarily of delicious animal crackers, in the coming months.

Wait a minute - - no Mothra? Gypped!!

Your results:
You are Superman

Superman 90% Robin 70% The Flash 70% Spider-Man 60% Green Lantern 55% Supergirl 50% Hulk 50% Batman 45% Wonder Woman 40% Iron Man 40% Catwoman 15%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

The Limits of Civility

Okay, the idiots writing on the elevators are at it again. I've commented on this before - whenever the elevator doors in my apartment get repainted, some troglodytes feel the need to scratch comments into the paint. These comments are usually of the "Fuck you" or "I need sex" variety, and sometimes they descend far below the level of crude and offensive I'm willing to tolerate. For instance, there's a girl that works at the building - a very nice, cute, 20-something girl - and our esteemed residents often make her the target of their comments. The latest was the simple assertion that someone had sex with her, followed by the other commentators asking certain questions like "Did she moan with pleasure?" Every time there is a fresh coat of paint, this poor girl becomes a target all over again.

At times like this, I'm moved with the righteous indignation to want to write something back to chastise these bastards. Something along the lines of "Every single one of you is fucking pathetic, and deserves to be shot in the face. Repeatedly." But then, wouldn't I be sinking to their level? Sure, I want the comments to stop, but wouldn't I just be continuing the cycle? Of course, any comment I would make would only draw an increasingly asinine and vulgar response. After all, in the words of the great poet Jay-Z (and someone before him), "A wise man once told me 'Don't argue with fools, because people from a distance can't tell who is who." And if not to comment myself, I at least want to scratch the shit out.

Occasionally there are other people that do this - comment themselves or scratch it out. But I just can't bring myself to do it. Something inside says that anything I do to that door puts me down at their level. So, I leave it alone.

Any thoughts?

-- Also, one comment on the door I found interesting. One particularly brilliant person wrote "I like butt sex" on the door about a week ago. Then someone added two letters, changing it to "I like button sex." Somehow, the concept of 'button sex' made me smile. It's kind of like the phrase "nipplefucker." Is it wrong somehow? Maybe, but...it's just so weird.....

Revue to the Infinity, Part II

5. The Big Show.

Here’s my rundown of the show itself:

Dickey Poetry – Ryan had Dickey’s gruff demeanor down, and it set a nice, offbeat tone for the show. “Read the statutes. Read the statutes. Read the statutes. …Read the statutes.” So true.

Althouse blogging: I wasn’t a big fan of this - - mostly it just tied things together.

Family Feud: Other than a few unnecessary expletives, this worked well. Macauley is hilarious, Clauss was disgusting, but also hilarious. Overall this had a lot of energy to it, and it worked well to start off the sketches.

--- An aside here: Don’t get me wrong - - I’m all for swearing when it’s funny. But it’s not funny when it’s repeatedly used as a joke in itself. Throwing in the F-bomb in each line to get a cheap laugh is just that - - cheap. It should be used sparingly, to make the jokes where it is used more of a surprise, and to give them more weight. For instance: Last year, Sean Penn scornfully glaring at the audience and saying: “You people are all fuckin’ pathetic.” Or this year, with the Community Justice Commandos: - Smash Bob Kasieta in the face, then: “Justice is served, motherfucker.” Anyways…

Kidwell Juice: I liked the use of this. A little breather in between the larger sketches. My favorite line: “Did I ever tell you ladies about Ambrose Bearse?”

Vying For Tenure: This one I was pretty iffy about throughout rehearsals, because it was kinda awkward and the jokes didn’t seem that great compared to other sketches. Still, it worked much better in the performance - - this was one of those that just gelled toward the end. Once again we had great performances from Ryan and Chris as Dickey and Palay, although their jokes were better used in other sketches. I absolutely loved Smith running in and out though, and the audience did too. Plus, I got a cameo as Cliff Thompson, randomly wandering in, informing everyone I was off to Indonesia, then wandering off - - classic Cliff. By far my favorite character to play.

Hardball/Zombie Rehnquist: I loved this sketch, and everybody seemed to enjoy it, though I was a little dissatisfied because I asked the wrong person a question, which screwed up the order of the lines. As a result, a couple of my favorite jokes got cut because we were scrambling to cover for it. Oh well - - I still got in a solid amount of shouting and insults. And there’s one thing you can’t argue with: “Sometimes you can’t be afraid to lift up the hood and see who’s tickling the Chinaman.”

Being Ruth Robarts: This one was a little more esoteric - - a play on an offbeat comedy movie, with a concept that might have been a little tricky to grasp. But Hendrix’s Ohnesorge was great - - of course his play on “Office Space” and his speed trip about the LLLLLLLP’s were great, but my favorite part was more subtle. This exchange always cracked me up: “Hey, Professor Ohnesorge?” “No….yeah.”

Brokeback Hill: A great idea all around. The lunchbox, the herd (with Kreple as the stray, and Stacey breaking down into tears), the tender scenes at base camp. I don’t know if the audience responded as much as the show deserved. My favorite part: Hendrix as Dean Davis: “Bring ‘em home…(looks toward sunset, wistfully) Bring ‘em home.”

Community Justice Commandos: This was a lot of fun. Andy got a star turn, with a 12(b)(6) to be reckoned with. More than anything, this sketch was cathartic – smashing the rolling backpack, beating the crap out of Kasieta (and pointing out that he drinks the blood of children), finding actual undergrads with actual graphing calculators in the library, who were gracious enough to allow us to destroy them. Favorite lines: “Why do you wear the ski masks and sunglasses? Because justice is blind. ….And black.”
*There was a big snafu here though, which was disappointing – the tech guys started rolling up the screen too early, cutting off the ending, where we saw a slow motion replay of Andy and I going to town on the rolling backpack. Still, I’ve had several people say this was their favorite sketch out of everything.

Faculty Sketch: Eh…this was alright. Mike Hall fumbling with those pants forever, I couldn’t tell if that was staged or just a problem, but I think it was staged. Still, pretty funny.

Gunners in Love: This was easily my favorite sketch (that I didn’t write – I’m partial to MZRM), and I figured this was going to be great all along. Zachar has the Palay mannerisms down cold, and this was a great sketch for Palay. So many great lines - -“I would also like to comment on the sexiness of your bowtie.” “The grading is anonymous…and completely random.” “Let’s spend the next 30 minutes graphing the Hand Formula…incomprehensibly.” And for writing the Hand formula, he just wrote “HAND FORMULA” in giant letters – genius. Becky and I-Chi were great as the gunners, and the final collapse on Ryan’s lap…everything about this sketch was perfect.

Real Evaluation Party: Great moments here too – Dean Davis taking a phone call from his flask. Pretty accurate statements about Palay. “Entrap me, Walter.” The scary-accurate Weston, especially her outfits. Good performances from everybody, particularly Joel.

Becky dancing: Becky is just hilarious. It takes so much courage to even get out there, but to go out and dance all by yourself, I don’t know if I could do that. She was so good at it too – she got a lot of comments saying she must have spent hours choreographing it, trying to get all the Napoleon Dynamite moves. In reality, she just went out there and did it, which is all the more impressive.

Anything Goes: Ryan, I have to give you props here – this was a phenomenal idea. Once I heard Kristen singing in Weston’s voice, I was just dying. Especially when she hit the notes at the end of each, and her voice was really low – like “pimpin gigoloooooos.” Kristen was awesome as Weston, and the phone call was great too. Favorite part: “Oh, you’re calling about the dog-sitting job. Well how many years of legal experience do you have?”

MZRM: Absolutely flawless. This sketch worked so well, and it sounded like the audience loved it. Chris, Ryan, Texas Scott and I each hit the partners’ lines perfectly, and Stacey played the righteous indignation perfectly. Even Andy got into the act, reading the rejection letter for us. We had threats of cockslapping, we had accusations of “ragging it,” we had Paul Bunyan and Johnny Fuckin’ Appleseed founding America, we had Ben Franklin blowing away foreigners with rocket launchers, we had the rights of women according to Texas Scott, we had killing power, we had questions about killing wild animals, robots, and ninjas, and we had a live ninja fight. We called out the douchebags one after another. And, oh yes, we had an alleged vagina. It was glorious.

More Dickey Poetry: Ryan closed out the show on a high note, swearing at the audience and storming off. So very Dickey.

Overall, this was the greatest experience I’ve had in law school so far. My problem now is that I’m going to be having ideas hitting me left and right, keeping me awake for the next few weeks. I’ve already got several ideas for shows, including a CJC sequel, a full sketch devoted to Crazy Cliff, a search for lost grades, and many others. Plus Chris came up with a great idea about a religious sketch involving our Crim Law professors that is sure to offend everyone.

If somehow I could do this for a living, I would give up law and politics completely, without hesitation. But since that’ll never happen…..here’s looking at Law Revue ’07.

Oh yes, one more promise: Next year, there will be much more Mothra.

Revue to the Infinity, Part I

The show’s over. I’m going to miss Law Revue something fierce for a long time to come. This was the first time I’d gotten into acting/comedy since the last Saturday Night Live show ended about a year and a half ago, and I loved it. This time, instead of my high school friends, I had my law school friends along side me – Chris, Ryan, Kristen, and Andy (who was there in spirit, as well as in person for part of it), and I made some new friends through it - - Mackenzie, Becky, Jon, and others. Last night was the big show, and I think it went beautifully. But for those of us who were in the show, it was an entire process, not just the one performance. So rather than reviewing the performance, I’ll give my thoughts on the show in its entirety.

1. The producers – Jon Hendrix, Mackenzie, Becky, and Kristin – all did a great job. They had a much harder job than anyone realized - - all the administrative details like fund-raising and coordinating the performance that most of us didn’t see. They also had the unpleasant job of telling the performers what works, what doesn’t, and what’s not funny. We didn’t always agree with what they said, but someone had to be there making that type of hard decisions, and overall they did an excellent job, as evidenced by the performance.

2. The firm’s contributions – MZRM rocked the shit, simply put. We all contributed in big ways, and were integral to the entire show being as funny as it was. The MZRM sketch, for instance – I may have compiled it, but that was a team effort all the way. From the rejection letter that started it all, to the numerous Zacharisms, to Real Ultimate Power, to the multitude of gender, ethnicity, and race jokes throughout – we all had a major hand in it. That being said, I have to take credit for “alleged vagina.”

Ryan had an absolute stroke of genius to have Kreple as Weston singing “Anything Goes.” To have her belting that out in Weston’s gravel voice - - that just killed me every time. And the “Step one: Clickers. Step Two: Hmmm? Step Three: Profit.” That may have been borrowed from South Park, but hearing the “Hmmm?” was hilarious.

Zachar gave us “Saved By the Bell: The Law School Years,” which was unfortunately nixed by the producers. I thought it was great, and others will attest to this (particularly the Cliff joke and the student lounge reference – brilliant). With a little revision, it should be back next year though.

My other contributions – Community Justice Commandos and Hardball. Others came up with the Commandos idea, and I ran with it. It turned out beautiful, but more importantly, it was cathartic – beating the crap out of all the people and things in law school that ruin the experience - - let me tell you, there’s something to be said for vigilantism. And Hardball was great because I took a potentially show-killing sketch and turned it into something sharp and funny at the last minute.

Then there were the characters – Ryan’s Walter Dickey. Chris’s Tom Palay. My Cliff Thompson. Chris’s Leonard Kaplan. Solid gold.

I only wish Andy could have been more involved, but alas, he was doing something ambitious and academic. Still, he was always there with ideas, as well as a wicked 12(b)(6) for that ass.

3. The cast – with one glaring exception that I’ve already voiced privately and will not go into, I think the entire cast was phenomenal. Hendrix as Church and Ohnesorge, Kristen as Weston, Beidelschies as Smith and Clauss, Chris Anderson as Macauley, Mackenzie as Althouse, Stiles as Erlanger – all very funny. And they all provided great ideas throughout, particularly “Joel” (the life-sized Peter Griffin cardboard cutout). And Texas Scott stepped in for Andy in the MZRM sketch admirably. We all had our doubts about him, but at the final performance he was flawless. Fantastic jobs, all-around.

4. The Big Day. I thought having an entire day of rehearsal was going to get tedious and pointless. In reality, that was the best part of the entire thing, I think. By then we all had everything down, so we’d run through the shows, and suddenly realize how funny everything was really going to be. Before it was all ideas – things we were kicking around, things we had seen a million times. But to the audience, this was all going to be new and exciting. And during these rehearsals, I was starting to see it through their eyes. Like the ninja fight in MZRM – we had never practiced it before – it was all on paper. So when suddenly there was an actual ninja fight going on, that’s a whole different ballgame. And we knew the material so well, we started throwing in ad-libs and little things to keep it fresh. Little moments like Mackenzie pretending to lick the microphone in “Family Feud,” the reactions to Palay’s statements about grading in “Gunners in Love,” that type of stuff was all kinda last minute, and it made the shows even better.

Next up: The Performance

Process Stories

Before I comment on this year’s Law Revue, I’d like to make two initial observations:

Firstly, I’d like to congratulate Mr. Mad Dog / Soft Hands Martinez on begin elected as Senior Managing Editor of the Law Review (or Señor Managing Editor, for the Spanish-speaking readers). I wish you the best of luck with that, with the caveat that it had better not cut into your MZRM related duties (poker games, social drinking, offending people, cockslapping the insolent, etc.)

Second, I’d just like to point out the strangeness of last night’s after-Revue experience. At a dinner with several close friends, all of whom drink much more than me, I was the only one who had a drink with dinner. Then, at the bar afterwards, each of them went home around midnight. In a bizarre turn of events, I actually ended up staying there until bar time, shooting the shit with Jon Hendrix, Mackenzie, Becky, Kristen, and Jon Beidelschies. I still only had the two drinks total, and I was exhausted by the end of it, but I had a damn good time...in the Twilight Zone.

Success!

I'm pleased to announce the emergency surgery on Zombie Rehnquist, a "comedy" sketch for our upcoming Law Revue variety show, was a complete success. As anyone who had the misfortune of reading it or hearing it performed will attest, that sketch was an unmitigated disaster waiting to happen. Even the first attempt by our show director did little to improve it. But I had an idea to completely revamp it, one which actually kept me up until 4am Tuesday night because ideas kept coming to me when I was trying to fall asleep. I ended up having to skip classes the next morning because I was too tired to go anywhere and I wanted to finish putting it together. But I finished it and sent it off for review, and we did our first read-through last night at rehearsal. Judging by the amount of laughter it received, as well as one joke that actually made everyone stop and applaud (which was, quite simply, the greatest feeling ever), the new version is leaps and bounds above the old.

All in all, the entire show is looking pretty good, especially without the gaping black hole that was Zombie Rehnquist. The other shows that were a little iffy are starting to gel, and the shows that were pretty good before are looking great. I won't go so far as to say it will be better than last year, which I thought was really good, but if we can perform it well, it should be awesome.

(Points to genitals)

Blowing Shit Up For The Cause

As my first movie review was well-accepted by the populace, I have decided to review new movies regularly. So for the second in my series of movie reviews, I bring you

V for Vendetta

There are two main reasons I watch action and/or science fiction movies –
1) Kung fu fighting and general bad-assery
2) Metaphorical renditions of the conflict between good and evil, between right and wrong, and between justice and injustice.

Admittedly, this leads me to watch a great deal of absolutely horrendous movies (re: Ultraviolet). I generally don’t mind watching a terrible movie now and then, because I can see what goes wrong, and why. But more importantly, it makes me appreciate a good action/sci fi movie done well. The Matrix trilogy. The Lord of the Rings trilogy. The Star Wars trilogies (minus Episode I). Serenity. The Spiderman and Batman franchises, especially the last offerings of each. Ambitious, compelling movies with heroic characters dealing with difficult issues of politics, religion, individual rights and liberties, philosophy, etc. The plots of these movies are premised in fantasy, which allows the fighting and adventure to be exciting while wholly unrealistic. But the conflicts, and the basic themes and ideas behind them, can easily be transposed to actual issues we face today. The common theme running through each is that good people take action against injustice, and by doing so become heroes, regardless of whether or not they succeed. And when done well, a movie like this dazzles me visually with action while engaging me intellectually with ideas.

With this as a basis, V for Vendetta is a fantastic movie. The premise is that a totalitarian government has been elected in Great Britain after multiple terrorist attacks and other scares. This government cracked down on the threats of terrorism by introducing highly intrusive and restrictive methods of surveillance and control, such as phone taps on everything, color-coded curfews, and government vans driving around using devices to listen in on the conversations going on in private homes. Conformity is mandatory, and any type of behavior outside of the norm is strictly prohibited. They also control the media by having one television station with acceptable programming only, and using propaganda to assure the citizens the government has everything under control. The citizens have accepted these measures as necessary to combat the awful threats, allowing their civil liberties to be rolled back for the sake of security.
V is a hero, if not the hero of the piece. A masked man who believes in the use of symbols as a means of altering history and changing perceptions. He comes off as a dashing, heroic intellectual, who brazenly challenges the status quo. However, his methods involve, simply put, acts of terrorism. He blows up buildings, takes hostages, and assassinates those who oppose him. Of course, he takes pains to blow up only empty buildings and to not kill innocent people. But his methods are undeniably terroristic. And therein lies a provocative question of the movie - - is the use of terrorism acceptable to combat tyranny?

One minor qualm I have with V for Vendetta is that it makes the argument for V a little too easily. The villains he targets are, for the most part, unequivocally evil. Therefore, V’s actions seem not only just but entirely righteous. Sure, he’s killing people; taking human lives is absolutely central to his MO. But these people are so dyed in the wool evil, it’s hard to care that, ultimately, he is committing murder. The question of whether such acts of terrorism are acceptable would be a much more compelling question when the targets aren’t so clearly evil.

To be fair to the movie, some of V’s targets are more morally ambiguous. And though willing to kill for the cause, V does express remorse for his actions. And, after all, the movie is principally there to entertain, so delving any deeper into this question would most likely have detracted from the entertainment value. The fact that the movie raises such a powerful question and provides a thoughtful allegory to explore the issues involved is laudable in itself. Therefore, stacking the deck in favor of the hero isn’t much of a flaw.

I’m not going to go much further into the plot, as I did with Ultraviolet, because some of you may actually watch it at some point. And I’m still foggy on some of the exact details involving the back story, which weren’t all that clearly portrayed. But I will say that the movie is challenging and thought-provoking as well as exciting and enjoyable, and the themes are especially relevant now, in a time when clashes between liberty and security are at the forefront of politics. Overall, an ambitious film with ample vicarious thrills of fighting injustice, both physically and symbolically.

My score: A-
Recommendation: If you’re anything like me, this is a must-see

The Laws of the States

I have recently conducted intensive research into state law, and have created a list of my favorite state laws. Many are no longer in effect, but they were all valid at one point. So here they are, top ten state laws:

10. Oklahoma: Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
9. Massachusetts: Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
8. Iowa: Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes
7. Iowa: You may shoot Native Americans if there are more than five of them on your property at any one time.
6. Kentucky: It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
5. Tie - Louisiana - You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.
- Georgia: It's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
4. Illinois (Zion): It is illegal for anyone to give cats, dogs, or other domesticated animals a lighted cigar.
3. Maryland (Baltimore): It is not legal to take a lion to the movies.
2. Rhode Island: It's a misdemeanor to keep more than 11 inoperable vehicles in front of a house.
1. Alaska: It is illegal to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

Not surprisingly, most of these involve the regulation of animal activities. Of course, you've got to assume that some jackass took a lion to the movies, tied a giraffe to a telephone pole, or gave a lit cigar to a cat, and some other jackass spotted them and said "Hey, there oughta be a law against that!" You've got to love law in action.

These laws beg some questions - - for instance, is it legal to push a dead moose out of a moving airplane? Is the RI legislature really okay with someone having 11 inoperable vehicles on their yard, but once they put that 12th one out there it's like, "No no, this time you've gone too far." ? Well, one thing's for certain, passing laws like these are exactly why I want to go to Congress. My first act in office - sponsoring a bill which makes it illegal to kick, poke, tease, or otherwise harass any live whale, regardless of whether or not it is lying in your yard. This is an issue Wisconsinites are concerned about, and something they will no longer tolerate.

Remember, a vote for Cole Ruby is a vote against whale pestering.

St Etienne

Finally loaded my pictures from France into the computer. Just going to post a few - these pictures are of St Etienne's Cathedral (I think), which is quite possibly the most beautiful man-made place I have ever seen in my life. White marble as far as the eye can see - columns, spiral staircases, high arches, plus the requisite stained glass windows. It's somewhere in downtown Paris, and if you ever feel like visiting and/or conquering France, don't hesitate to swing by.

Apparently I'm a Schizoid

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Disorder:	Low
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	Low
Dependent Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

I didn't actually know what the term "schizoid" meant before, but now that I read the explanation, it seems a little more accurate than I'm comfortable with.

Spring Break Quotable

Spring break is over, of course, as one can tell from the lack of white sandy beaches and anything resembling civilized weather conditions. I'm not going to recount the trip, as my esteemed colleague Mr. Martinez has aptly done this on his own blog. You can find that here:
Here is No Why: Spring Break Index

However, as the Senior Administrative Partner of the firm, I have dutifully been keeping track of the memorable quotes and other moments that must be recorded for the sake of history. With that in mind, I present the Spring Break Quotable:

"That means Southern women with teeth have a lot of determination." - Chris Zachar
Context: On the drive down, Chris discussing the potential women we could meet.

"So you're saying the lake's filled with splooge?" - Chris
Context: Driving through Illinois, we passed by a sign advertising Clinton Lake.

"We will, we will cockslap you!!" - MZRM firm
Context: Driving down to Florida, listening to We Will Rock You by Queen. Someone had the brainstorm to alter the lyrics, and we gladly joined in the fun.

"Wait a minute - - is that a truck....hauling a bigger truck?" - Cole Ruby
Context: Me in a state of disbelief after having witnessed a small truck hauling a much larger truck behind it.

"Some birds are mammals, aren't they?" - Chris
Context: After driving straight through the night, now extremely tired, Mr. Zachar looked out the window, saw cows standing in a field, and asked, "What the fuck are those?" Someone pointed out that they were cows, and Chris said "I thought they were emus." We then had a discussion about whether or not pterodactyls could have been mammals, which only Chris believed was possible. This quote popped up somewhere in the discussion.

"What is your position?" - Dr. Goulino
Context: Cristina's father, trying to give us directions to his mansion.

"Laurence keeps challenging me to heads-up poker." - Cristina Goulino
"He probably means something else by that." - Ryan McNamara
"If he did, I'd be mildly interested." - Cristina
Context: On the beach, Cristina discussing her boyfriend's poker withdrawals.

"So...do you ladies know a nice clean place to stand?" - Cole
Context: After road-flirting with a two attractive girls in another vehicle, we pondered what would happen if they actually followed us back to our shithole motel room, and ways we could avoid that unfortunate possibility. This is one question we could have asked them.

"You've got half a thing in that gigantic box, which is the same thing Weston said." - Chris
Context: Refers to half a sandwhich inside a large styrofoam box in our refrigerator. Weston, of course, is our haggish, disgusting former Civil Procedure teacher, who I may or may not have had sex with, if you believe the unfortunate rumors.

"I've got to go with my friends." - Ryan
"Are they going to suck your dick tonight?" - Hooker
Context: Walking down a South Beach street in Miami after bar time, Ryan was accosted and propositioned by a hooker (who could possibly have been male - the jury's still out on that one). Ryan attempted to flee its clutches, and the hooker protested.

"I'm not even feeling it. I almost fell over, but that's besides the point." - Andy Martinez
Context: Drunk

"The Hand Formula for that would be If you want to smoke something, smoke this. (Points to genitals)." - Chris
Context: Ryan and Andy discussed whether they should carry a lighter at the bars, in case a pretty girl wanted to light a cigarette, as a possible means of starting conversation. I suggested that I didn't really want to meet a smoker, and Chris agreed, with this colorful comment. (And the Hand Formula, for any non-law readers, or law readers who don't remember, is a law formula which I cannot presently remember either.)

"Every morning I think of you and do a cock-pushup." - Chris, directed at Andy
Context: Self-explanatory

"I'm just really concerned that I'm always going to live in the shadow of Andrew W.K." - Andy
Context: Andrew WK is the singer that made the song "Party Hard," and coincidentally also attended school with Mr. McNamara. As for what prompted the comment.....you've got me.

"You don't like Five For Fighting?" - Chris
Context: Chris has a universally agreed-upon bad taste in music, and he asked this classic question in disbelief.

"That's like saying "What, you guys don't like Hitler?"" - Andy
Context: Response to Zachar's quote, as Andy apparently sees Five For Fighting as the musical equivalent of a Holocaust.

"It would be a long time before anyone finds your body. ...And by then, all the water in the crotch will probably have washed away the DNA evidence." - Andy
Context: In the men's bathroom at a convenience store, with only Andy and I present. This man sure knows how to creep the shit out of someone.

"So there's another person added to the list of people that thinks I'm a giant asshole." - Andy
"Isn't there a waiting list to get on that list?" - Chris
Context: After Andy inadvertently stared at the chest of a cashier at KMart while attempting to read her shirt.

"The woman that replaced me, she just about ate herself out of a job." - Gordon Bradley
Context: My grandfather, who served as a Wisconsin state representative for twenty years, discussing the woman that filled his seat after he retired.

"Cock-zilla!" - The Fucking Russians
Context: Apparently the phrase means "How's it going?" in Russian. Fucking Russians.

"I don't think I've met an old person I haven't met." - Andy
Context: After having met my grandparents, Andy tried to explain....something.....

"Cole, you benefitted from the fact that I'm a reasonable maniac." - Andy
Context: While playing a game of RISK, I broke a non-agression pact with Andy, and completely wiped him out of North America. This left many of my forces stretched thin, and Andy naturally wanted retribution. Deciding that going for a vengeance attack against me would not serve his ultimate objective, however, Andy decided not to.

"Come on Rajeev!" - Chris
Context: During RISK, Andy's China was attacking Chris's India, as Andy attempted to wipe Chris off the board. In his desparate attempt to remain alive, Chris called upon the strength of everyone's favorite Indian law student before rolling the die.

"To the left of the moon. It's the only one in the sky that's moving!" - Andy
"Do you mean the one that isn't moving?" - Ryan
Context: While lying on the beach very early in the morning, a possibly still-drunk Mr. Martinez pointed to an allegedly-moving satellite in the night sky, which, as it turns out, was in fact not moving at all, and was a star.

"But the Monaco still stands!" - Cole
- then later -
"That will be our war cry - Remember the Monaco!" - Cole
Context: Lying on the beach, early in the morning, discussing global terrorism. Andy suggested that we had been lying on the beach for over two hours, and in that time America could have fallen without us knowing it. I countered this assertion by pointing out that our monument to liberty, the Monaco Resort, had not yet fallen, but if it did, we would not go down without a fight.

"Cats are alright, as far as fighting them, but beach cats are by far the snobbiest." - Chris
Context: Our resident animal fighter, after twice attacking a stray cat on the beach and twice being thwarted.

"Not that I pass judgment on them.....well, yeah, okay, I do...." - Chris
Context: Something in reference to the Hmong people and crazy traditions he was forced to read about in his book, if I remember correctly.

"That guy would have sucked my cock if I was a dude. .....Oh, wait...nevermind." - Andy
Context: Referring to our waiter at a seafood restaurant who was overly friendly, and more than a bit pushy, but quite pleased by Andy ordering lobster.

"If anybody asks, we'll just tell them we're stupid." - Cole
Context: While driving aggressively down I-95 heading toward South Beach on St. Patricks day, we were all pretty excited, and some of us drunk.

"You can't be given the right of way - - you have to take it." - Cole
Context: My philosophy on driving, uttered moments after executing a particularly aggressive driving maneuver.

"Ryan, you're the intellectual, Cole's the natural, I'm the jackass, and we'll all do much better than him." - Chris
Context: Extremely drunk at a bar on St Patricks day, while contemplating whether we will make good lawyers compared to a certain douchebag who shall remain nameless.

"This is what it must have felt like when they attacked Pearl Harbor." - Andy
- then later -
"I feel like I just walked in on my wife having sex with another man." - Andy
Context: Andy, upon discovering that Ryan also has a RAZR phone, expressing his shock and disillusionment. Andy, of course, tends to molest his phone in public displays of affection to celebrate its greatness, after having coveted it for an entire year before finally buying one. Ryan, on the other hand, purchased his before Andy, but never told anyone.

"I went to buy a donut, and he said it was 74 cents for one, and only 55 cents for two." - Cole
Context: Explaining why I was holding two donuts after leaving a gas station in Georgia. To this day, none of us knows what the hell was going on there.

"It's my car, I can pee on the floor if I want to." - Andy
Context: While I expressed concern that Andy might get the sunflower seeds he just purchased all over the floor, Andy pointed out that it was his vehicle, and he can damn well do what he pleases in no uncertain terms.

This is a pretty good representation of our fantastic voyage to Florida and back.

Parting Shots

Tomorrow. Miami. It's on.

Just to show you the proportions of on-ness it has reached, the following is an actual conversation I recently had with the spokesman for the United Organization of Unified Douchebags, who visited the MZRM offices this morning:

UOUD Spokesman Douchebag:
Uh, listen. We understand that your firm is planning a little trip over the next week, but several problems have arisen that will need your immediate attention, and...well look, I just came down here to tell you... Ih it's not on.

VICE:
Oh, it's on!

UOUD Spokesman Douchebag:
Nonono, it's not on.

VICE:
Whoo, it's on all right!

UOUD Spokesman Douchebag:
It isn't on. Nothing's on. It's off.

VICE:
[insistent] It's on!

UOUD Spokesman Douchebag:
I'm going to have to ask you guys to be here on Saturday. I just came by to let you know so you can... put a stop to all this. Good bye. [turns around and walks away]

VICE:
Hold on a second, clamhead! [catches him and blocks his way] You think you can just roll in here and tell us it's not on when it very clearly is on?!

At which point, I gave him a vicious roundhouse to the face, then wailed on my guitar, and swallowed a knife to show how seriously on it is.

See ya when I see ya.

Resolved:

Resolution 1: I intend to eat far fewer animal crackers today than I did yesterday.

Resolution 2: All "Hybrid entities" discussed in BizOrgs will hereby be referred to as "Mutants."

So Pretty, Yet So Stupid

Since it has become clear that the only thing I’m good for lately is movies and television, I thought it’d be appropriate for me to do movie reviews on here. To that end –

Ultraviolet

You’ve seen this girl before. You think to yourself “Wow – you look absolutely gorgeous. I should take some time and get to know you.” Then you spend time with her, and you’re left with “Wow – you look absolutely gorgeous. Too bad you’re such a terrible, terrible person.” This is Ultraviolet. It’s set in the future, where all of the architecture is done with exotic colors. So the setting is really cool, compared to most futuristic movies where everything is dark and dreary. It starts out with narration of how we got there, then throws us into the action. Let me tell you, the action looks spectacular. Violet kills about twenty guys, gets what she came for, then runs for her life. Then she meets more people, then runs for her life. This, unfortunately, is the crux of the story.

I’m going to break this down in simplistic terms, since there is absolutely no depth to it whatsoever. Violet meets another room of twenty guys. These guys are Asian. They speak a language I don’t understand, and Violet talks with them for a bit. There are no subtitles, so I have no idea what’s going on, except that they don’t like each other. The guys pull out guns and start shooting. Violet is unarmed, but since these guys are arranged in a circle around her, she just ducks and dodges as the bullets sail by, and the Asian guys kill each other. So what’s wrong with this scene? For starters, I thought Asians were smarter than that. No, wait, the bigger problem? I thought movie writers were smarter than that. This scene is so brazenly stupid it just blows my mind. Would these guys really just start firing away when their comrades are right on the other side? Is standing in a circle and firing off bullets at a target in the center the best way to solve this problem?

Well, now she’s on the run again. No time for character development. No time for any semblance of story. Oh, there’s a plot, don’t get me wrong. Unfortunately, it’s incomprehensible, and only comes in to during the sparing moments necessary to set up the next action sequence.

Still, I haven’t lost hope quite yet. Moving on, Violet has to find out some secrets and protect this young boy who is dying. To do so, she has to take on this guy and his corporation. And his 45 billion soldiers, all dressed in black. In fact, he warns her against this by saying “I have 7,000 soldiers. What can you possibly do?” In what is perhaps the greatest moment of cinematic foreshadowing I have ever seen, she replies, “I can kill them.” So what does she do? She walks into the building and starts killing them, I swear to God.

So we get some mega-action sequences. Once again, the stunning visual beauty of the sequences is surpassed only by their staggering stupidity. The plot holes are so numerous I can’t even begin to describe them all, except to say they come together to form a monstrous plot black hole, causing the entire move to collapse unto itself in an incredible display of filmmaking ineptitude.

Synopsis - Violet pulls out some machine guns and starts shooting people. Once everyone in the room is dead, more soldiers rush in, machine guns in hand. Violet shoots them all. The only thing that could make this any better? If more soldiers rush in, and Violet shoots them. And do they ever. But after awhile, you start to wonder – are their machine guns just props? Never once do these soldiers use their machine guns to, oh, let’s say, SHOOT AT THE BITCH. They charge in, guns in hand, and….run at her. Apparently the thinking behind this is, if they stack up enough dead bodies in the room, there will be an impenetrable wall of dead bodies, and she’ll just have to turn around and call it a day. Somehow, this plan fails, and Violet continues on her way through the building. I guess the point of this is to show you that Violet can kill billions and billions of people, all without getting a scratch on her. Sometimes she even uses a sword.

Now, again, don’t get me wrong – I like seeing when one character takes one scores of bad guys. The Matrix Reloaded is probably my favorite movie, and Neo takes on everyone and their momma. But somehow it seemed infinitely more plausible than Violet doing it in this movie. For one thing, Neo occasionally took a hit. He’d get knocked down, then get up and keep fighting. This is what gave the scenes some drama – not only were the fights breathtaking, they were also dramatic in the sense that, while we know he’ll win in the end, it’s clearly going to be a struggle to get there. Violet may as well have been taking on cardboard cutouts for all the damage they were capable of.

But wait, doesn’t that just make her more bad-ass? Maybe I’m just a sexist. Clearly I am, and the reason I don’t like this movie is that there’s a woman in it, and that never once did she make me some pie. But that wasn’t it. In fact, I had a bag of Twizzlers with me, and that’s the only thing that kept me from walking out of the movie halfway through, and I never do that. Not even during Freddie Got Fingered, which attempted to destroy everything that was right and good with the world, and offended me as a human being.

No, this movie was just wrong. Why did the bad guys not shoot at her? Perhaps they saw what happened with the Asian guys. Even still, they weren’t in a circle, so that wouldn’t have been an issue. So why didn’t they shoot at her? Why didn’t they use grenades, or unleash a toxic gas? The bad guys couldn’t do this to Neo because he could stop bullets with his mind. (Or, on occasion, turn them into doves.) Implausible? Sure. But the movie’s premise was that he was in a computer-simulated world, and by understanding that the world wasn’t real, he could bend the rules of the world with his mind. So shooting at him wouldn’t do any good. There was no such problem with Violet, yet the bad guys respectfully declined. And quickly I tire of jumping over these plot holes.

Then she fights the main bad guy (or, the Boss Dog, in the world of Zachar). They fight with swords, not guns. Good, I think. Of course, this guy doesn’t have any real powers I’m aware of, besides being extremely rich. So why in the hell he thinks he can defeat her after his 45 billion mentally deficient soldiers couldn’t is beyond me, but I’m so tired of thinking at this point, let’s just watch a sword fight. It seemed cool, then the lights went out, and they fought with flaming swords. Again, it looked cool, then she killed him. Then she was reunited with the boy, who had already died. And oh yeah, she died once in the movie too. The bad guys surrounded her and the boy. The boy died of his disease, and she was so sad she didn’t fight back when they stabbed her. Then suddenly she was back with this one good guy, a scientist, who somehow brought her back from the dead. Of course, I’d like to ask why the bad guys so graciously delivered the body of their mortal enemy to this good guy. But then, they’ve proven themselves exceedingly stupid and self-destructive in all previous instances, so why not.

The boss dog falls over, and Violet reunites with the boy. But before their emotional reunion could commence, I grabbed my jacket and walked out of the theater. No need to spoil this with any moments of actual character development. The brilliant phrase “You’re not getting attached or anything, are you?” comes to mind here. I had spent 90 visually spectacular yet intellectually crippling minutes with her, and I didn’t feel like cuddling.

My score: D
Recommendation: Not unless you’re desperate

Days of Thunder

Cole Trickle here. Just made it back to Madison after a harrowing journey through the snow and slush. I saw probably upwards of 10 cars in the ditch, plus two two trucks and many cop cars out assisting people. And how did my driving skills fare on the road? I had one incident where I started fish-tailing, it got way out of control. Luckily I was on a straightaway and there was only one car nearby. It was still a little freaky because it was a two-lane road and the car was coming toward me, but he slowed down and I ended up doing about a 270, with my back end facing the opposite direction on the shoulder of the road. But I didn't go in the ditch, so I just turned around and kept going.

The big one came later. I got to Highway 151, which wasn't plowed (Which, by the way, what the hell??). I was going about 60-65, and seemed in control. Then a guy rolled past me in the left lane, and passing is always a tense situation because the left lane isn't nearly as clear as the right lane, since most people drive in the right lane in bad weather. So the guy starts passing me, and then we reach a curve in the road. All the sudden he starts sliding out of control, right up ahead of me. Then he skids sideways through my lane, so I cut over to the other lane, and just barely avoided him as he sailed by and slid backwards into the ditch. That was intense.

After that, I slowed down a little just to avoid ending up like that poor bastard, but I still had to pass pretty much everyone on the highway because they were all going like 45, and their lane was relatively clear by then. So it got a little scary trying to pass people when my lane was still slushy, but I got through okay. I think this demonstrates one point I've had problems convincing other people of - I really am a good driver. Not "good" in the sense of safe and rule-abiding, but "good" as in effective. Perhaps I'm just better suited to NASCAR-style venues.

And, in a related story, just as I was finishing this post, the guy in the next apartment over started shouting "Yes! Fuck you! Fuck you in your skanky, pregnant ass!" I can only assume he was talking to me.

It Was Good For Me

So I just got completely mindfucked by Contracts II, parol evidence, and partial integration. Do you ever have one of those days in class where you’ve read the material, you know the case, you know the ruling, you know what rule was applied, but once the class discusses it you find out its about a thousand times more complicated than you thought? That’s what happened. I had a vague understanding of what was going on, per usual, but today I paid attention in class. As it turns out, the rule of parol evidence isn’t quite so clear, and I spent about a half hour working through the differing interpretations in my head, trying to come up with exactly how they work, and the implications of each. You know how that is – you’ve got your logic bubble going full steam, and every time somebody speaks, the words invade your bubble so you try to tune them out, but then someone says something actually helpful, and you start all over. So yeah, it was one of those. And when I was finished, it felt like I really understood it. It felt like possibly my greatest intellectual achievement all semester. Suddenly this abstract concept had been screwed directly into my brain. So naturally I felt exhausted afterwards, and more than a little sated. I’m lighting up my mental cigarette right now.

Of course, this begs the question, has everything in law school been that complicated, except I never actually engaged with the material? That’s a frightening thought, but it would also explain a hell of a lot. Perhaps if I allowed concepts to mindfuck me now, I won’t get randomly bent over on the exams.

Excellent.....

You Are Mr. Burns

Okay, so you're evil... You have big plans to rule the world, and you'll destroy it in the process if necessary! You will be remembered for: the exploitation of the masses Life philosophy: "One dollar for eternal happiness? I'd be happier with the dollar."

The Simpsons Personality Test